When I Found Out I Was Adopted

My life changed in a major way when I found out I was adopted. I will never forget watching a TV program with my adoptive mom and seeing a woman who gave birth to a baby. Being curious as kids are, I made a comment to my adoptive mom, “Mommy, did I come out of your belly like that?”. I remember her response was something like this…

“No you didn’t come out of my belly. You came out of another woman’s belly. She loved you so much she wanted you to have a better life so she gave you to me to raise.”

This was a moment I will never forget. I never understood how you love something but you give it away. I think back now and try to think of what my adoptive mom COULD have said that wouldn’t have had such a negative impact on me. As a 5 year old child I couldn’t comprehend this. I whole heartedly believe she did the right thing by telling me but the WAY she said it was something that had a negative impact on me my entire life.

I’m an adoptee who can say “I always knew I was adopted” because she did tell me. I believe back in the 70’s adoptive parents weren’t anywhere near equipped in how to tell your child their adopted, like they are now or how to handle “what to do” being adoptive parents. I’m not saying she meant to hurt me, but the way she told me would forever taint my view of love. When you love something you keep it, you don’t give it away. “She gave you to me to raise.”… I felt disposable, unlovable, and like a piece of property. This was the first moment in my life I began to search for my birth mother. I began to ask questions. Who was she? Where was she? How do I find her? I never EVER stopped asking about my birth mother.

As a 40 year old woman I look back over my journey, and I’ve tried to think of a way my adoptive mom could have told me that I was adopted that didn’t confuse me on such a deep level. I feel like giving something or someone away and associating it out of “Love” is far too confusing for a child to understand. It was total abandonment to me. This still has a deep rooted impact on me today. I feel like everyone in my life is going to abandon me.

I wish she would have said, “You have a biological mommy who couldn’t take care of you, so she found someone who could. That someone was me.” But see that type of answer would have come with more questions behind it. “Why couldn’t she take care of me?” is what I would have asked. And then the TRUTH would have come out. But I know from experience in living it, adoption secrets and lies are a big part of the adoption experience and a huge part of my pain. Everyone was “protecting” me from my own history. The fight to find my history all alone has caused me more heartache and pain than anyone could imagine.

I wish I was never told my birth mother loved me. She didn’t love me. The adoption industry as a whole seems to always want to speak for birth mothers. Once I acknowledged this TRUTH it was easier of me to let go of the pain and move forward and heal.

“You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there” (Jeremiah 6:14)

NOT ALL BIRTH MOTHERS LOVE THEIR BABIES.  SOME OF THEM JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THE PROBLEM. THIS IS A FACT. THIS IS WHY IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE ANYONE ON EARTH LOVES ME. YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR OWN CHILD & GIVE IT AWAY & REJECT IT AFTER IT COMES TO FIND YOU.

That’s not love. The shenanigans of her “Loving me so much she gave me away” could have saved me a whole lot of heartache if the truth was told. I’m not saying they could have told me she didn’t love me. Of course everyone would like to think she did. It is definitely a more pleasant thought. But her actions after I found her and she rejected me after meeting one time showed me otherwise. The entire story of how I was conceived was my TRUTH and after learning that, I was able to gain a better understanding of WHY she chose to give me up for adoption. I needed my truth to move forward with my life and to be able to accept it for what it is.

DO ADOPTIVE PARENTS UNDERSTAND THEY ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF OUR HEALING BY WITHHOLDING OUR TRUTH FROM US?  

Let me add, I will always be thankful my adoptive mother was honest about telling me. If she didn’t tell me it would nothing short of holding someones identity hostage, and if it were me I could never live with myself or do that to someone. For the adoptive parents who make the choice not to tell their adoptive kids their adopted, I feel you are making a huge mistake. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. Adding the trauma of being lied too your whole life is beyond devastating on the adoptee. Being adopted is hard enough on it’s own.

For the adoptive parents who may be reading; How did you tell your adopted child they were adopted? Where did you get your advice from? If you haven’t told them, what are you waiting for?

For the adoptees here, how were you told you were adopted? How did it make you feel?

-Adoptee In Recovery

@freesimplyme

Turning the Page…

I thought the way I was had to be typical but I’ve learned recently the “WAY I AM” has a lot to do with experiencing trauma being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life. It also has a lot to do with traumatic events I have experienced in my life as a child, and a woman.

I went through a few days this past week where some emotions were triggered and A LOT was revealed to me! Although the revelation was very difficult, and draining I’m thankful that God revealed these things so I can begin to work through these things and move forward with the expectations of healing as the outcome.

Over the next few weeks & months, I’m going to put a spin on my blog posts. I’m not only going to include some of the deep issues I have had with my adoption experience, but I’m also going to share some of the deep rooted & traumatic situations that I experienced as a child, and growing up into my adult life. I haven’t written much about detail of certain events. I still experience a certain level of shame when it comes to certain things but I feel like God is tugging at my heart to share so I can continue to heal in these areas and maybe inspire someone else who has been in similar situations.

Please check back as I continue to turn the page on my healing journey. Thanks for reading & thanks for being here!

Blessings,

Adoptee in Recovery

Somewhere Out There..

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This picture totally hit home for me…

I share quite frequently how much the SKY means to me. It’s the closest thing I ever had to my birth mothers love and comfort and as a little girl the sky brought me that closeness I always desired to have with her even when she was so far away.

I remember having a deep desire to have her close to me… But where was she? I remember searching for her everywhere I went.

I was visiting my adoptive aunt when I was about 5 years old, not long after I found out I was adopted. I remember feeling so out of place as I usually did and this particular day I was feeling an “extra” deep sense of sadness longing for my birth mother. I just wanted her close to me. I remember taking off walking out the door with the intentions to never return. My plan was that either my birth mother would find me OR the police would find me and return me to the right person, my real mommy. I remember thinking “They have to know who my real mommy is so they can return me to her.” I walked blocks which seemed like miles for a 5 year old. I remember a woman approached me asking me where I was headed and soon after the police were called but instead of being returned to my birth mother,  my adoptive mother was contacted and she arrived to pick me up. I didn’t dare express what the shenanigans was all about. She wouldn’t understand anyway. She scolded me for “running away” and told me to never do it again. I suffered in silence because no one understood my pain.

From that moment forward I remember always wanting to be outside because the SKY brought me something special. Something I wasn’t able to get anywhere else, not even from the woman that adopted me. Day after day I dreamed of the woman that gave me life. I longed for her touch, her words, her comfort. I fantasized what she may look like and smell like. What were her favorite things in life? What kind of personality did she have?  Did I take after her and look like her? Was she tall and skinny like me? I would almost always daydream about my birth mother but almost always I was staring at the SKY when this would happen. It brought me a sense of peace knowing my birth mother was somewhere out there under the same sky I was.

The sky was my baby blanket. It was my comforter. Through my childhood the SKY gave me hope that one day my birth mother was going to come find me. I never gave up on this hope as a little girl.

Once I reached my teen years It was made apparent to me that my expectations were based on a false hope, and I became angry & mad at the world. I became hopeless and I felt as if my birth mother didn’t really love me because if she did she would have come to find me. This discovery was the biggest heartache of my life. Of all the people who love you in this world, your MOTHER should be #1 on the top of your list. Your MOTHER loves you the most and unconditionally when everyone else fails you. Your MOTHER teaches you everything you know and she’s supposed to be your best friend and someone you run to when you need advice and encouragement. But not my M O T H E R…

She passed me over to strangers…
She didn’t want a relationship with me…
She didn’t want to get to know me…
She didn’t love me or she would have wanted me in her life…
She died not even acknowledging me as her daughter. I didn’t count for ANYTHING. ..

I’ve had to accept this. But sugar coating the truth ONLY prolonged my chance to heal. I have a VERY hard time accepting the fact that PEOPLE stood in the way of my healing all by holding my TRUTH HOSTAGE. Who on earth can truthfully say that it’s okay to withhold information about an adoptees HISTORY?

But now as a 40 year old woman I’m living my life for me and my kids. The pain is still there…But my love for the sky is stronger than ever. As a Christian woman, I believe God reveals us things through the sky. Looking back over my life I believe all the way back to being that 5 year old little girl God was speaking to me through the sky. It was HIM providing me with all the comfort I was experiencing. It wasn’t just a coincidence. I wholeheartedly believe his comfort and love is what was shining down on me. Every time I look at the SKY I’m reminded of all those years as a little girl, dreaming of my birth mother and the SKY bringing me comfort when nothing else in this world could. It still think of my birth mother looking at the beauty in the SKY but now the hope is gone, faded into the day or night. The hope died when my birth mother died.
Now I’m reminded that no matter what life’s circumstances bring us GOD’S LOVE continues forever and ever. His love is the love that’s unconditional & he loves us with no conditions.  It’s the beginning and the end. It expands to every depth of our lives no matter what our earthly parents choose. Today, looking at the SKY I have a different kind of hope. The kind input in God and he’s the ONE PERSON WHO’S NEVER LET ME DOWN. That’s a comforting thought and brings me peace.

GOD KNEW MY HEART ALL THOSE YEARS AND HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE THE SKY BECAUSE IT WAS MY FIRST LOVE. ♡

Here are some pictures I’ve taken of the sky..

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