Trust & Adoptee in Recovery

“The Bible doesn’t command we trust people, it commands we trust God. It’s critical we know the difference.” – Unknown

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How does it feel to live a life based on marginal deception?

Ask an Adoptee!

Trust is something many people struggle with, but me being an adoptee I am sharing from an adoptees perspective.

My perspective.

Having your life based on shame and secrecy, never knowing your [His] Story or [Her] Story left me feeling isolated, alone and unwanted. It left me feeling like there was something wrong with me because if there wasn’t why wasn’t I getting the truth about WHO I WAS? Why did I have to come up against the world and the closed adoption laws in order to find my truth only leaving me with more feelings of lonesomeness, unwantedness and isolation.

I never received the full TRUTH, nothing but the TRUTH, so help you God…

WHY?

Why was the person closest to me lying to me to benefit herself?

Why was there such sugar coating going on? 

Was it to make me “FEEL BETTER?” or protect me? 

I was getting watered down versions of why I was adopted in the first place. I was fed lies about my birth mother and how she “Loved me so much, she gave me away to be raised by someone else”.

I made that “Someone Else’s” dreams come true at being a mother, and she was very clear how happy she was I was adopted by her, and my birth mother gave me away for her to raise specifically because she couldn’t have babies of her own. I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

“Your birth mother loved you so much, I love her too because she made my dreams come true to be a mother. This is why she gave you to me to raise.” – Adoptive Mom,1979

I was purchased at a cash price for $24,000.00 so someone’s dream could come true. 

The lies associated with this transaction have hurt me deeply.

As early as I can remember my adoptive mom was talking to me about how she never wanted to go to a nursing home and how my birth mother made her dreams come true. As I grew up and grew into my own woman, things started falling into place as to what her motives were in adopting in the first place. Not only did adopting give her a ticket to being a mother, but it also gave her a ticket to never having to go to a nursing home. This is something she never stopped talking about, it’s almost like she obsesses over it.  During my history with her, (see this blog post for details) The Narcissistic Manic Depressive Schizophrenic Adoptive Mom it’s clear that her intentions to adopt were not for me the child, but to only benefit herself. This has left me feeling even more used and lied too, manipulated and the whole 9 yards when it comes to feeling like a piece of property than a human being. I was a child that needed a mothers love, but I never did recieve it.

My trust for people on this earth is limited to very few people, let me share why. 

When I trust, it has to be earned. Once you earn  and prove you are trust worthy we are good. One thing I see people, (adopted or not) fretting about is “I don’t trust people, I have trust issues!”.. Well, I don’t see whats so wrong with that considering our lives experiences have brought us to this point.

Which brings me to my next point. 

As long as I trust God, I am good.

I don’t need to trust everyone.

Who says we need to trust everyone anyway?

Who believes that?

Who’s rule is that? 

Closed Records in Adoption Laws have a lot to do with this. How can a LAW prevent me from knowing MY TRUTH and how can the WORLD support such activity? This lets me know that so many people all around are supporting a corrupt industry and this has hurt me DEEPLY as well as thousands and thousands of my fellow adoptees.

Yes I am an advocate for CHANGE for adoption laws to let adoptees have access to their Original Birth Certificates but more so I’m an advocate for TRUTH. What is the opposite of TRUTH?

Lies & Fiction…

How would you feel if your life was surrounded by lies & fiction and those closest to you supported it?

When your life is surrounded by lies and fiction it’s almost impossible to trust people so our trust issues stem from something we had no control over but I find them to be very legitimate and valid.

I say to my fellow adoptees, don’t beat yourself up because you have trust issues. It’s natural to have them considering our circumstances.

I will share that trusting God is more important than trusting people any day.

When I trust people and they break that trust it’s next to impossible to trust again. I am speaking for myself. I consider myself a very honest and trust worthy person and I expect the same in return, especially anyone that is close to me. If you lie to me, I will forgive you and even give you another chance but if you lie again you might as well forget ever having a chance to lie again. Reconciliation is next to impossible. I can’t tolerate liers and lying hurts me very deeply.

I speak a lot about the Rally adoptees are fighting to receive our Original Birth Certificates. This is HUGE to so many of us, and I still see so many people cast judgement on us (adoptees) for embarking on the fight for TRUTH and so many say we need to just get over it, move on and let it go.

If shame, secrecy and lies and dishonesty surrouned your entire life, and it impacted you greatly and continues to impact not only you, but your children and your future grandchildren would you just move on and get over it?

NO! 

You would join the fight in the rally for truth. So you see so much secrecy and lies, shame and guilt and lies in adoption, even down to us fighting for what is rightfully ours, yet our society who is filled with non-adoptees haven’t even taken a stand with us to find our truth. How could this be? How can so many people know that the adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non adoptees, yet sit back and do NOTHING?

This is why I share my voice and experience. Someone has to speak up for the hurting adoptees who haven’t found their voice yet, the adoptees who are in such pain they are on the brinks of SUICIDE and they can’t TRUST ANYONE because the WORLD keeps lying to them.

This is serious folks.

While I don’t trust people unless they earn it, I TRUST GOD!

John 8:32 says “Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free!”.

You are either for TRUTH or you are against it!

Falsifying documents, changing names and identities, and keeping medical records a secret is not rallying for TRUTH.

I will gain more trust in people as people begin to help adoptees bring the TRUTH to LIGHT.

Until then, I will focus my trust on God, because Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Thanks for reading.

Pamela A. Karanova

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Adult Adoptee, Reunited

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Facebook: Pamela Karanova

Photo Credit: freedigitalphoto.net

By: Stuart Miles

The Value of a Memory

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory” – Dr. Suess 

The holidays have passed and I’m thankful they are over. I feel like 2015 was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life which means 2016 is probably going to be OUTSTANDING!

I can only hope and I’m expecting nothing LESS! It’s nice to have a new year to start over with new things, but I would like to think I have that chance every single day, because I do. We all do. But there is something about turning over a YEAR to a NEW YEAR that is fascinating to everyone.

New hopes, new dreams, new goals, new memories to be made, with hopefully some new and old people.

NEW BEGINNINGS.

That’s exciting, right? Or at least it should be.

What happens when you don’t have the memories like most people do? What happens when there are no memories? What happens when you have a few memories and look forward to making up for lost memories but that is shattered with lies being uncovered for TRUTH. There is no future for some memories. What happens when you see other people gloat over their memories with loved ones, and you have nothing to gloat over?  Do they realize how much a memory means? Just one memory is EVERYTHING to some of us, yet others have years and years of memories, yet they are mourning because someone is gone, yet they have all the memories to remember them by?

How do I mourn over someone when I have many memories with them? At least I have the memories to cherish. At least I have something to hold onto. Yet I’m supposed to cry invisible silent dry tears for those who I didn’t get any memories with? Or wait, my right to cry dry invisible tears for my first family was taken from me, because I spent 38 years being told I should be thankful, grateful and I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

For me a memory is everything. Having memories that are nonexistent have made me cherish the memories that do exist, and it’s helped me to learn that TIME makes MEMORIES and some TIMES we are denied TIME with those who should be the closest to us.

It’s hard to see people mourn about the loss of loved ones when at least they have MEMORIES with them. Some of us don’t get that and we aren’t allowed to mourn the loss. Let me just say, today and for the rest of my life I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my losses and mourn for all the lost memories that never will be and all the time that was stolen never to return. Crying over memories that don’t even exist?

YES! That’s right! I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my loss of memories that will never exist. Since no one else in the world would allow me this right, I’m giving it to myself. I have a right to mourn the loss of never having one Sunday dinner with my grandparents. I have the right to mourn the loss of never having a generational picture of my birth mother, and her mother and her mother. I have the right to grieve the loss that I will never have a memory of having my grandmother teach me her favorite recipes, or having special talks about life and love.  I’m giving myself the right to mourn the memory of spending one mothers day with my birth mother or a fathers day with my birth father. I mourn the loss of never having a memory to celebrate one single birthday in my life with my birth parents, the 2 who created me. I have a lot of mourning to do.

I cherish the memories I have with people because to me, in the end that’s all that matters.

There is nothing more valuable on the earth to me than time, and memories. There really is nothing of monetary value in this world that excites me. I could have the biggest most expensive house, car and watch and clothes, or the least of all those things and still feel the same way. None of it makes me happy.

Memories with those I love make me happy. Memories with those close to me makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Pictures that are a reminder of memories make me happy. Sharing feelings and thoughts make me happy. Talks make me happy. Sunrises and sunsets make me happy. Spending TIME makes me happy. There is nothing of monetary value that makes me as happy as time which makes memories. Another thing that makes me happy is when people share feelings about me, us or life. Life talks make memories.

I saw a quote once, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”- Author Unknown

Adoptees are left with no treasures. 

So much lost in adoption, but the memories has been hard for me to just “GET OVER”. But I have learned NOTHING in ADOPTION is something we can just GET OVER. We have to process things, so here I am processing.

At least with so much LOST never to return, I DO KNOW THE TRUE VALUE OF TIME AND MEMORIES. Holidays are always a reminder there will never be a holiday with my birth mother or birth father or biological grandparents. Not one memory exists and it never will.  If you have even ONE memory with your FAMILY even when you fight, carry on and can’t stand one another remember some of us never get even one memory with our biological parents, or biological grandparents.

The memory bank is zero. 

This is why I know the TRUE Value of a MEMORY. 

Yes people can say, “Oh, so and so is like family”. Nice thought but it’s not the same. I love you for hoping it is, but until you experience it you can’t compare.

Today I remain thankful for my kids, my church family, my far away adoptive and biological family I have relationships with. I hold you all close to my heart.

For my adoptee family, I love you all! I know you get it! 

I can say learning the true value of time and memories has helped me in many ways. I’m content with the simple things in life. I don’t need fancy things. I love simplicity and “things” don’t make me happy. I would say that’s a pretty good quality to have. My kids say I’m cheap, they make fun of me for being frugal. But I say why buy something at the mall for 3x as much money when I can buy it at Goodwill for $4 and it all brings me the same amount of happiness? Why shop at the mall when yard sales are much more exciting?

So you see, the value of a memory has pros and cons. TODAY I will focus on the PRO’S because focusing on the CON’S doesn’t bring me happiness.

Time and memories bring me happiness.

For those who have memories with loved ones, never underestimate the value of time and a memory. We can’t take the rest with us. Some of us aren’t so fortunate to have something so many take for granted.

Are you an adoptee and have a special value for time and memories? What about pictures? Am I the only adoptee who feels this way? Have you allowed yourself the right to grieve over the loss of so many memories you will never have that so many others take for granted?

Allow yourself to grieve and mourn what will never be. What was lost never to return. You have every right to grieve over the family and memories you lost. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. And remember, time does NOT heal all wounds. Grieving your losses in healthy ways, sharing feelings and acknowledging your feelings allowing yourself the right to grieve heals your wounds. It does take time, but it’s not going to go away by letting time pass and not addressing these things.

Yes, I’m in my feelings but that’s OK!

Join our all adoptee group for Grief, Loss & Trauma by sending me a message. The only way to join is invite only, I would be happy to invite you!

Thanks for reading.

P.Karanova.

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Best Articles for Adoptees- 2015 Round Up

Excited that I was featured in adoption.com and nominated as one of the best articles for adoptees for 2015.

CAN YOU CELEBRATE WITH ME?!

CHEERS TO RINGING IN 2016

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I must admit the end of 2015 had turned out pretty somber for me. A future blog post will explain why, yes it is adoptee related. More heartache and heartbreak to add to the list of “WHY?”.

But God had a way of bringing things back to light for me by a fellow adoptee pointing out I was featured on adoption.com for the second time this year! The article shares my previous interview with adoptive mom, Denalee Chapman back in Feb 2015.

“In the adoption community, adoptees are celebrated! But not every adoptee feels like celebrating. Some grew up knowing they were adopted, others were shocked when they were told. An advocate for the truth and for healing, Pamela is an adoptee who is now in “recovery.”  She shares the importance of honesty—regardless of the emotions it may evoke—from the beginning. Having had to search and research, dig, and work hard, Pamela has only ever wanted the truth. She knows that finding the truth is the impetus to beginning the healing process.” – Denalee Chapman, Writer Adoption.com

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I can tell you I have so much to be thankful for but receiving some really tough news a few days after Christmas I was pretty down. This gave me a glimmer of hope and lifted my spirits in a way that only my fellow adoptees might understand. It let me know my pain is not going to be wasted and that YES people are reading, listening and learning and most importantly adoptees that have difficult stories are getting heard and our feelings are getting acknowledged, finally. It seems for centuries the only adoptee stories that were welcome by the world were the happy stories, and there was no room left for our grief, loss and trauma involved.

I’m honored to be the voice for so many adoptees that haven’t found their voice yet, especially the young adoptees who have no choice in sharing their voice. I’m honored to be not only on a rally for our OBC but it’s also a rally for TRUTH. We all deserve to know our truth. We all deserve to know where we come from. I love connecting with adoptees all over the world! Remember you aren’t alone, you matter and your feelings matter! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Lexington, KY

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