The Fight of My Life Revised

THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE – REVISED 

by Pamela Karanova

August 13, 1974, the fight began,

The minute I was born, my birth-mother ran.

 Conceived out of a drunken one-night stand with a married man,

Did my tiny body ever feel her warm, soft hands?

A sacred bond would be broken too soon,

 I can imagine the sorrow in the delivery room.

I spent the next four days in the nursery all alone,

But I’ve always wanted to know, 

Did she name me?

Did she hold me?

Did she love me?

Did she think about me?

Who was she? 

Just like that, at the stroke of her pen,

She never wanted to see me again. 

She signed the dotted line robbing me of the history that was mine. 

My birth father knew nothing of my existence.

During her pregnancy, my birth mother was persistent in keeping her distance. 

My history is to be forgotten.

Adopted Unknown

Case Closed

Records- SEALED!

Parents unknown

THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE

I was born fighting, the fight of my life.

Will I ever know my birthright?

What was the beginning of my life like?

August 13, 1974, the fight began. 

The minute I was born, my birth mother ran.

She snatched up my truth, and she took it and fled.

“She loved you so much” is all that was said.

How do you love someone and leave?

I’ve accepted love is a topic that isn’t for me. 

Baby Girl A was looking for a forever home,

 Adopted by a couple who couldn’t have kids of their own.

An outsider looking in is all I’ve ever known.

My truth is kept captive,

 Did they forget that one day I would be grown?  

Who’s fingers and toes do I have?

Why am I so tall? 

When she signed the dotted line, she took it all.

It’s time for me to take back what was taken from me.

I’m going to fight for what’s mine.

 My birth mother is the woman I’ve dreamed about knowing since the beginning of time. 

After spending a lifetime of searching all around, 

I experienced the biggest letdown.

 My biological parents didn’t want to be found. 

My heart shattered in a million pieces all over the ground. 

Abandoned and rejected not once but twice.

By the two people who should love me the most.

For many years, I was a walking dead woman, invisible like a ghost.

 Most of my life feeling hollow and empty inside.

 A dark cloud followed me everywhere I went,

Most days, it wasn’t easy to get out of bed.

Alcohol took the pain away for 27 years.

 As long I was running from the tears,

 The pain will never disappear.

 I have children to live for, 

And I wanted to preserver.

August 13, 2012, was the day I put that alcohol back on the shelf.

Now it’s time to start the lifelong process of finding myself. 

It’s been almost nine years of processing pain, living alcohol-free.

 I’ve been able to embrace the journey of finding me. 

Fighting for my truth has been the fight of my life,

This has been one hell of a fight.

Now that I have my truth,

I can see the light.

None of us can control the hand we were dealt.

But I recognize adoption has caused me the most pain I’ve ever felt, no doubt.

I’ve accepted these were the cards I was dealt.

I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of being mad.

I’ve learned the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

What’s the key to healing for me?

I needed to be the one to SEE instead of everyone else telling me.

Adoption has caused me the most pain of my life but turning this pain into purpose is the only way I’ll survive.

TODAY I’m an adoptee in recovery, and I deserve to thrive. 

THIS IS MY ADOPTEE REALITY

THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE

Launching the Pamela A. Karanova Podcast – Finding Purpose in the Pain – One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing

I’m excited and honored to share a project I’ve been working on for a long while now, months to be exact. I consider this project a gift to the adoption community, and I hope somewhere along the path of life, it helps others. I know convenience usually wins, so my goal is to offer something that might otherwise be inconvenient specifically to my fellow adoptees.

I want to share a little backstory on how I got here. I’ve been working on a memoir for many years, but every time I start it, something happens, and I have to set it to the side. So after 10+ years of trying to write a memoir, I have concluded that memoir writing is not for me.

To be completely transparent, my life is busy and very active. The last place I seem to want to be these days is sitting in front of the computer, spending a lot of time on it. So small doses for short amounts of time seem to work better for me at this stage of my life.

My website has always been a place of freedom because I can share feelings here without anyone interrupting me and telling me how to feel. So many years of my journey are written and shared on my website in chronological order, back to an open letter to my birth mother I wrote in 2012.

It recently dawned on me that my website is my memoir. So I decided to spend some time transferring all of my old articles to audio via the Anchor FM platform via the Spotify platform. Talk about a time-consuming task! I have written over 200 articles since 2012.

This way, my friends, family, and supporters can tune into several mainstream platforms like Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Radio Public to listen to my articles. My words can reach adoptees and people in the adoption community all around the world. I know time is of the essence these days, and people don’t have time to sit and read as they used to. Listening to books on audio and podcasts has become increasingly popular with almost everyone because our lives are so busy we can fit them into the hustle and bustle of life and keep it moving.

One of the most excellent parts about this transition is the growth I can see in myself and my journey over time. In 2012 I wasn’t as seasoned as I am now, and I was beginning to articulate my feelings about being adopted. I was a baby finding my voice. You can tell I was transitioning out of the fog, and over time I’ve learned to spread my wings like a butterfly and continue to share my story. It’s not been easy, but I know I have reached adoptees all over the world, and they are the reason I keep writing. In healing myself by sharing my story, I am helping others heal and gain courage in sharing their voices and stories.

While I wholly support all the memoir writers out there, my dreams of writing a memoir have dissipated into nothingness. It’s not a sad thing or a bad thing. It’s the reality for me and where I am in my life. So I’m celebrating releasing this task from my plate. I hope you celebrate with me.

As I move forward with a new phase of creating the life I want to live, I hope to spend less and less time in front of electronics and more time out in nature, running wild and chasing waterfalls. Instead of writing a memoir, I want to live my future days filled with adventures and spending time with those I love. I want to take road trips and be living my life.

As a self-care technique, I have chosen to leave almost all online adoptee spaces as they aren’t healthy for me, and I am eliminating as many unnecessary commitments and responsibilities from my life as I can. Not just in the adoption community, but everywhere. As a result, you might see less of me online in adoptee-centric spaces, and you might hear less from me in the days to come. If you follow my social media, that will be the best way to keep in touch, but please understand as I distance myself from the online world, I might take longer than expected to respond, and sometimes I might not respond at all. It’s nothing personal.

Let me be transparent; being in the adoption community for over ten years it’s taken a toll on me. However, as I come to a healthier place as each day passes, I have to set new boundaries for myself. In that, I’m stepping away from many activities I have been a part of, and I’m writing a new life for myself. Adoption has taken so much, and it’s time I take it back and enjoy my life with my friends and family. I still plan on writing but that will be the main place you will hear from me so be sure to follow along if you are interested in keeping in touch.

While I share the launching of the Pamela A. Karanova podcast with you, please be advised that this article is my first recorded podcast in my unique voice. To pull this migration off semi-timely, I had to convert the first 200 articles over with a digital voice that is NOT mine. You would be surprised how long this took by itself. I knew there was no way possible I could record the last ten years of articles in my voice and get it done anytime soon. That would be dead, just like the memoir.

Moving forward, I hope to have all my articles uploaded to the podcast in real-time so they will be available in my voice for you to take a listen while you are on your way to work or working out at the gym.

Be sure to follow along on Spotify and share this gift with your friends, family, and followers. You never know who might be impacted by a country girl from Iowa sharing her story!

Thank you to each of you who has supported me this far! I thank you and appreciate you more than words can express.

To visit my podcast, visit here- Pamela A. Karanova Podcast

Here’s my most recent article on my Podcast.