THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE – REVISED
by Pamela Karanova
August 13, 1974, the fight began,
The minute I was born, my birth-mother ran.
Conceived out of a drunken one-night stand with a married man,
Did my tiny body ever feel her warm, soft hands?
A sacred bond would be broken too soon,
I can imagine the sorrow in the delivery room.
I spent the next four days in the nursery all alone,
But I’ve always wanted to know,
Did she name me?
Did she hold me?
Did she love me?
Did she think about me?
Who was she?
Just like that, at the stroke of her pen,
She never wanted to see me again.
She signed the dotted line robbing me of the history that was mine.
My birth father knew nothing of my existence.
During her pregnancy, my birth mother was persistent in keeping her distance.
My history is to be forgotten.
THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE
I was born fighting, the fight of my life.
Will I ever know my birthright?
What was the beginning of my life like?
August 13, 1974, the fight began.
The minute I was born, my birth mother ran.
She snatched up my truth, and she took it and fled.
“She loved you so much” is all that was said.
How do you love someone and leave?
I’ve accepted love is a topic that isn’t for me.
Baby Girl A was looking for a forever home,
Adopted by a couple who couldn’t have kids of their own.
An outsider looking in is all I’ve ever known.
My truth is kept captive,
Did they forget that one day I would be grown?
Who’s fingers and toes do I have?
Why am I so tall?
When she signed the dotted line, she took it all.
It’s time for me to take back what was taken from me.
I’m going to fight for what’s mine.
My birth mother is the woman I’ve dreamed about knowing since the beginning of time.
After spending a lifetime of searching all around,
I experienced the biggest letdown.
My biological parents didn’t want to be found.
My heart shattered in a million pieces all over the ground.
Abandoned and rejected not once but twice.
By the two people who should love me the most.
For many years, I was a walking dead woman, invisible like a ghost.
Most of my life feeling hollow and empty inside.
A dark cloud followed me everywhere I went,
Most days, it wasn’t easy to get out of bed.
Alcohol took the pain away for 27 years.
As long I was running from the tears,
The pain will never disappear.
I have children to live for,
And I wanted to preserver.
August 13, 2012, was the day I put that alcohol back on the shelf.
Now it’s time to start the lifelong process of finding myself.
It’s been almost nine years of processing pain, living alcohol-free.
I’ve been able to embrace the journey of finding me.
Fighting for my truth has been the fight of my life,
This has been one hell of a fight.
Now that I have my truth,
I can see the light.
None of us can control the hand we were dealt.
But I recognize adoption has caused me the most pain I’ve ever felt, no doubt.
I’ve accepted these were the cards I was dealt.
I’m tired of being sad, and I’m tired of being mad.
I’ve learned the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
What’s the key to healing for me?
I needed to be the one to SEE instead of everyone else telling me.
Adoption has caused me the most pain of my life but turning this pain into purpose is the only way I’ll survive.
TODAY I’m an adoptee in recovery, and I deserve to thrive.
THIS IS MY ADOPTEE REALITY
THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE
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