Adoptees On Podcast-Pamela Karanova

Yesterday was an awesome day for me!

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I was interviewed for Adoptees On Podcast by friend, fellow adoptee AND Sister in Christ Haley Radke. I was honored and humbled to be able to share my story with the world.

You might ask my reasoning?

Well…

God gives us ALL a testimony, a story. It’s up to US to share it with those around us. I took this opportunity for many reasons, but the main reason was to share with my fellow adoptees and the WORLD what GOD has done in my life. How he’s transformed me and healed my broken heart. I was so stuck and in such a deep dark hole and I know many of my fellow adoptees are still stuck! I was stuck for 41 years!

God has literally saved me from myself.

I wanted to share this message of HOPE! 

Recovery is a huge part of my adoptee journey. I know there are tons of hurting adoptees who are either in recovery, or in addiction as a result of abandonment and rejection from their adoption experience. Grief, Loss & Trauma go along with this.

THERE ARE SO MANY HURTING ADOPTEES OUT THERE!

(i love you and you are NOT alone!)

God has given me a message of HOPE for them and this is why I decided to do the podcast. Less than 24 hours after the podcast aired I’ve received tons of positive feedback from many who were impacted by this. Many tears have been shared and I know crying is healing. I’m so glad those listening are healing by crying! That’s a good thing! 🙂

Thank you all for the love, support, prayers and encouragement!

I hope and pray anyone listening is inspired in some way.

Please let me know your thoughts?

Blessings and LOVE.

Pamela Karanova

adopteeson

Here is the link.

Adoptees On Season 1 Episode 11- Pamela Karanova

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Where is God in the middle of my hopelessness?

Well… I truly believe He’s one of the only ones I can say 100% is walking along side of me. He knows my struggles and He knows my pain.

Lately, it’s taken everything in my to just get through day to day life, let alone be online engaging in any communication or conversation.

I had to withdraw. For many reasons.

Many of my blog followers and a few of my close friends knew about my journey to present my DNA connection to my biological father to once and for all prove I’m His daughter. You can read about it here Delivering the DNA results with grace.

I’m briefly catching everyone up with an update.

Well there really is no update.

After all Father Felix shared with me he has stopped responding to my emails and I haven’t heard one word from Him sense March 5th.

Just like that… The one and only Hope I had in my Birth Father changing his mind and maybe wanting to get to know me is OVER. Just like the snap of a finger.

Over the last few months my hope has diminished to nothing.

I can’t help but come to a place of acceptance in order to be able to move forward with my life but it has been the most sorrow I think I have yet to experience regarding my adoptee journey.

If everyone thinks the cute little baby you adopt won’t have lifelong grief, loss and trauma they are wrong. I am 4 1 years old and some days the pain is too much to get me out of bed in the am..

BUT GOD..

Because of God I am here.

I am alive.

Aside from other life’s mountains that have come my way the realization that Father Felix has also abandoned and rejected me is a lot for me to take in. In his words, “Your days of rejection are over. I am old enough to be your father, I would be happy to be your Father if J.J doesn’t!”

The part that is SO HARD for me is that PEOPLE are so QUICK to SPEAK WORDS and they don’t follow through. I DON’T NEED ANY MORE BULLSHITTERS and LIERS in my life!

I MEAN WHAT I SAY!

What has this done for me? Made me feel like everyone in the world is just full of it. Anytime someone says something I make a mental note that says, “Let’s see if their actions line up with their words!”.

So where am I at today?

Extremely hurt deep down and trying to pick up the pieces of what I find to be the last chance of ever meeting my biological grandmother. Of ever having one memory with her. Of ever hearing about her life. This is IT for me to ever be able to make any memories with any of my family on my biological fathers side. This is IT for ever being able to celebrate their lives with them and hear about their childhoods and what their life was like growing up. This is IT to ever feel that sense of belonging, the one only DNA connections can provide with any of my biological family.

I have felt extremely guilty for coming with a message that is filled with pain. I have felt I have to always bring a message of HOPE for my fellow adoptees. That is why I haven’t said much at all and that is part of the reason I got off Facebook. I just can’t handle the external weight that comes with being on Facebook right now.

I would write more.

But I won’t. It’s nothing anyone would understand unless they have gone through it.

Today, I am thankful I have my kids because without them I would not be here.

Plain and Simple.

Thank God for my relationship with Him, because although I feel like the world has failed me, He has not. He’s been along side of me helping me put one foot in front of the other.

Every. Single. Day.

I will be approaching my 42nd “Birth”day which is dooms day for me. Think about that day, and what happened that day! There is nothing to smile about for me. No not even LIFE! I have prayed and prayed for God to help me celebrate this day and I just can’t. But I will do my best to put on a smile for those I might see. My sobriety birthday of 4 years is also coming up. That’s def something to celebrate but the pain to go along with being a sober adoptee.. It’s been the hardest 4 years of my life!!!!

But I wouldn’t change my recovery journey for anything. My kids deserve a happy healthy mom and my future grandkids deserve a happy healthy grandmother!

Pamela A. Karanova

Healing. Through. Writing

HDIFTBA Photo Challenge

Lies Are Never Okay, Everyone Deserves To Know Where They Come From..

Why is lying okay when it comes to adoption? In some cases adoption isn’t part of the equation, but children are constantly lied to about who their biological family is and people actually think that’s okay.
It’s NOT okay to LIE to a child period. It’s NOT okay to lie to them about who their biological family is. Lies destroy and they ruin relationships. How would you feel if you were lied to about something so important? You wouldn’t like it.
Unless this has happened to you, you can’t comprehend how it makes you feel but you know how it feels to be lied too right? It hurts, imagine someone lying to you about who your mother or father is, or withholding such personal information.  I can only speak for my experience and how it made me feel. My adoptive mom lied to me my whole life about finding my birth family. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to find my birth mother. She lied over and over and said “Once we get enough money for an attorney we will get the sealed records opened and we will find her”. This gave me comfort in knowing that one day it might really happen. I might find my birth mother. When I was in my early 20’s that all changed. My adoptive mother told me she had been keeping something from me. She knew who my birth mother was, and my adoptive dad had her name. So all those years she lied to me and I would never trust her again. She put her insecurities about not wanting me to find my birth mother in front of my needs and wanting to know. She knew it tore me up deep down and she didn’t care. I know what you’re thinking. “You should be glad she told you at all!”. Yeah? Well I am glad she told me, but she didn’t need to tell me a LIE all those years! She could have just said the truth or just expressed that she understood my feelings and consoled me in some way. But no, she lied to me over and over. I have forgiven her, but I will never forget it. One more list to add to the things she took from me, along with my child hood. Thank God I can make up for it and be a better mom for my kids.

I know a lot of people who are keeping secrets from their kids so they can cover up their irresponsible actions, and people that are lying to their kids because they don’t want to tell the truth. Because they will have to face reality and it will be too hard on them. Let me just say, the truth is ALWAYS better than discovering that you are living a LIE. Lying destroys people. It tears them down and lies hurt people. When people keep secrets and they are ashamed of the truth it will always come out in the end. 9 X out of 10 it’s always so much harder to discover you are living a lie, than if someone would have told you to begin with.

 

If you are keeping a secret or lying to a child or a person about their identity, who they are, who their REAL parents are, or where they come from, I beg you to reconsider and tell the truth. I suggest some counseling so you can get some advice on how to make it right. Its never too late to make it right! No matter how painful, the truth is always better than pretending and living a lie. Everyone deserves to know where they come from, and their history. 
Pamela Karanova