Adoptee Healing Tools

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I’ve been on a healing journey for 5 years.

I should be DEAD right now! 

A good friend sang this song at church today, and it blew me away!

Listen Up. It’s for you too!

“You thought I was worth saving, You came and changed my life. You thought I was worth keeping, You cleaned me up inside. You thought I was to die for, So you sacrificed your life so I could be FREE, so I could be whole, so I could tell everyone I know!” -Anthony Brown

I’m telling everyone I know God get’s the GLORY!

Over that 5 year period little by little tools that have helped me heal have been brought to my attention. I have yet to find a place where  many of them are listed in one space for easy accessibility.

 What am I healing from?  Abandonment, rejection, grief, loss & trauma from my adoption experience and from LIFE. With little to no resources available for adoptees I was on my own in finding healing tools that would work for me.  I decided I would share the tools I have found to help me in hopes these tools can enlighten and help other adoptees somewhere out there.  I have come into contact with hundreds of adoptees all over the world who are seeking  HEALING & FREEDOM. I ask them all the time, “What has helped you heal?” Sadly most of the time I hear, “Nothing!” Some are completely hopeless but I am here to give you a message of HOPE.I find it takes HOURS for me to share all the resources and most of the time I never can share them ALL.  Now they are in one spot in hopes to sharing with MORE adoptees.

 I will share by stating the tool used and how it helped me. I will also share the link where you can find this information when applicable. Please share with your fellow adoptees and in your online communities. Please note I am not speaking for all adoptees as a whole. I say “Many of us” to eliminate categorizing all adoptees as having struggles. Some of us do and some don’t. It’s that simple. I’m sharing these healing tools for those adoptees that do struggle. I will also share, this is a lot. Please take your time and know that what has worked for me might not work for you.

To my fellow hurting adoptees-

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 This post is dedicated to you! ❤

We all deserve healing and freedom & Its available to each and every one of us!

I realize not all those who might read this will have the same spiritual Christian beliefs I do and that’s okay. I love you all the same.  ❤

Last but not least, if you are NOT an adoptee and you come across this page, feel free to apply these suggestions to any area of your life where applicable.These resources are definitely not limited to adoptees only. Please share with your communities because there are adopted people everywhere who could benefit. I know this is A LOT of information. Take baby steps. One at a time. Be easy on yourself.

Blessings & Love,

Pamela Karanova

Lexington, KY

  • First Thing First- You are STRONG! Please believe and know in your heart of hearts. I am here to tell you that YOU ARE STRONG. There is not one adoptee on the planet that isn’t a strong person. What we have experienced in life is nothing that a sissy could handle. IJS! I’m so serious about this. Write it down, put it all over your house. “I AM STRONG”. Repeat, Repeat, REPEAT. ❤ 🙂
  • You are NOT Alone!- I hear this from adoptees from almost every single one that crosses my path. I felt this way most of my life. I am here to tell you today that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That is one of the enemys # 1 tactics to make people feel alone. Well it is a lie. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly”. There are an army of adoptees out here to support you! You just hadn’t found them yet. We are here. We aren’t going anywhere. Please believe you are not alone. Start using hashtage #adoptee and you will see. We are here, and God is ALWAYS with you! ❤ Which brings me to my next point.
  •  God- God and His word have been the biggest and greatest healing tool I have yet to discover. He get’s the #1 spot in my world and he always will. This means I believe GOD is who He say’s He is, and He’s going to do what He said He was going to do. Why you might ask? Let me share a little of what it costs to me ME.  If you only knew all the places I’ve been in life. By looking at me now, YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE IT! I was abandoned by my birth mother when I was born, I was kept as her dirty little secret even from my own birth father. SHAME & REGRET I was raised in a home where I witnessed my adoptive mother trying to commit suicide in front of me multiple times. More Trauma She also tied us to chairs with dish towels, just to make us “behave”. Prescription pain pill addiction plagued this home. My adoptive mother had  manic depressive episodes and deep rooted depression that resulted in me being mother-less even when I was adopted. My needs were never met, I was her caretaker my entire life. Until I escaped in 2005. This resulted in feeling like the mother daughter bond was always broken, because it was. I had no security or safe place. I was stuck in this home with no way out. I was angry, rage filled as a teenager and many of my adult years. Sexually abused when I visited my adoptive dad every other weekend by a older step brother.  I was raped as a teenager. I ran away as a teenager, was in and out of alcohol and drug rehab, in group homes and learned very destructive patters at a very young age by being in the streets. I fought A LOT. Went to juvenile jail A LOT. I lost a baby at 15 because of the abusive relationship I was in. I was in many physically abusive relationships as an adult because I had no self love. I had a fractured chest bone, black eyes, a broken nose, stitches between my eyes, all from men.  As an adult I was in jail for assault for fighting,  I got a DUI and I was in the streets. I experimented with many drugs in my life, but alcohol was my thing.  That DUI cost me $355.00 a drink that night! I hated the world and everyone in it. I hurt people and people hurt me. I depended on alcohol to take all the pain away for 26 years of my life. Partying was the only escape for me.  [Only sharing because I want you to see I HAVE BEEN PLACES! DARK PLACES!]  BUT GOD- God saved me!  He has RESTORED ME! HEALED MY HURT! ERASED MY PAST! I live a brand new life now. 2 Cor 5:17 He wants the same for YOU! ❤ I’ve been living a SOBER LIFE on August 13, 2012.  I have made the choice to receive my Hope and Faith from God and the Holy Spirit and HIS WORD.  God has changed my life, forever!  I gave my life to Christ in 2009 and it was the best decision I have ever made. That was the first most important step. Many of us have baggage from past life’s hurts. It’s critical to HEAL those hurts, no matter what they are BEFORE we will ever be able to live the happy prosperous life God has for all of us! We can put a band-aid on it but that’s a temporary fix. It always creeps back. Healing takes HARD WORK and DEDICATION. You have to go THROUGH the pain again but God can help you do this. The only way to receive this help is by believing in Him and receiving Him today.  If you would like to receive Christ to live in your heart it’s the best decision you will have ever made. Healing and HOPE is possible. This is the ONLY way Healing is possible in my humble opinion. After this decision, God placed other tools, and resources available for me to work on my issues but receiving Him as my Lord & Savior is the #1 tool to move towards healing. It’s not about the religion, it’s about the RELATIONSHIP.

If you are interested in receiving Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior please reach out to me! Here is a helpful link with some great information in taking that very important step. Prayer of Salvation

  • God’s Word– The Bible has been an amazing tool for me in my healing process. I know I mentioned it above, but aside from my relationship with Jesus Christ the word of God is something I have stood on. It’s brought me great healing knowing that God knows my hurt, my pain and my tears. It gives me Faith and Hope that in His word he says we will all be healed and made whole AND he knows our pain. When we believe His word we must RECEIVE His word. This means everything in the Bible is true. I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried EVERYTHING this world has to offer to fill the void, ease the pain, numb my soul. Sex, drugs, alcohol, people, places and things; NOTHING has been  fulfilling aside from God and His word. The more you dive into the word, even when you don’t understand it the more you will begin to understand it. Here is a link to purchase a Bible that I have found to understand the best- The Message Version. The Message Bible The other GREAT thing, You can find this same version for FREE on the Bible App. Here is the link. The Bible App They even have audio! 🙂
  • Prayer- Prayer is simple. It’s communication with God. Sometimes pictures are painted where you have to pray a certain place and a certain way but God wants a relationship with you SO BAD, he will take prayer any way any time of day.  Prayer is very important. We must give God thanks through our prayers, share our hearts desires, what we are believing for and pray for others and our world. There really is no right or wrong way. Prayer has been a major healing tool for me and IT WORKS! Here is an article I found extremely helpful and it’s from the legendary Billy Graham. This will give you some more details on how to communicate with God. How Do I Talk To God?
  • Church Home- One of the most amazing healing tools I have found so far aside from the 3 listed above is my church. My church is a safe place for me. I am not a religious person, nor do I participate in any denomination. I believe religion separates and divides, that is not of God. IMHO My church is a place filled with love and most importantly God and the Holy Spirit. If you aren’t at a church where you have the presence of the Holy Spirit I am here to tell you that you are missing out on something more than wonderful! I don’t attend church for anyone other than God because I want to honor Him, and grow closer to Him and receive His word. I love my Pastor Marion Dalton and because of all His sermons I have finally been able to see things in a different light than what I ever have before. I am so thankful for my church and my pastor! If you don’t have a church home, I truly believe it will be an amazing healing place for you. It only takes some action on your part. I used to be one of the lukewarm Christians and I said, “Oh, I don’t need to go to church to have a relationship with God!” I am here to say it’s almost impossible to have a growing relationship with God and flourish in his Kingdom if we don’t find a church and attend and learn and grow. The Bible says the Church is the Bride of Christ so I KNOW the CHURCH is very important to God. We must go to honor Him and get planted so we can grow. The alternative is to become stagnant and not be rooted anywhere. When the crap hits the fan the devil will have a field day with us. So IMHO Church is extremely important and it’s a Hospital for the hurting people. IT IS A HEALING PLACE!  We’re ALL hurting people! ❤
  • Church Family- I know, I know.. All this churchy Christian advice. I promised I would tell you what has worked for me. ALL OF IT. So this is what has worked for me. These things have brought me healing. If you have never had a real true church family I promise you that you are really missing out. My church family is a VERY important part of my life and my kids lives. I promise I wouldn’t lie to you. I have spiritual mothers and father and spiritual brothers and sisters. They have been there when the crap hits the fan and came through when no one else was anywhere in sight. They have prayed relentlessly when crisis’s come and I have been able to build some of the most amazing life long relationships with them and that’s a GOD SEND. A church family is CRITICAL to healing. What’s your experience with a church family? Are you searching? What kind of church are you looking for?
  • Ask for Prayer from Spiritual Warriors & Elders in Your Church- It took me years to do this. I was living in a great deal of FEAR. I guess I liked living in the pain too much? I don’t know but finally when my misery outweighed my FEAR I reached out to my spiritual momma. Deanie Cinnamon prayed over me that the spirit of unwantedness & shame be removed from my body. I had to BELIEVE this prayer was going to work. I had to RECEIVE IT. And it worked. Another time I was expressing an agony about a situation regarding my adoptive mom. She prayed the spirit of TORMENT be removed from my body. I had to believe it and it worked! When I went forward to receive prayer from my pastor I had to BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT. I had to go forward, God was not going to chase me down. I share this because God gives us tools in the Bible and we all have the availability to use these tools to help hurting people! We all have the choice to go find our spiritual warriors and spiritual family and ask them to pray for us! Healing is POSSIBLE to those who believe. I believed it and it’s brought me GREAT HEALING! It can do the same for you!
  • Praise & Worship- This might be way out of the field for some people, and that’s okay. Remember, I’m just sharing what has worked for me. I have my praise and worship music on 24/7 where ever I am at making the CHOICE to tune into the Holy Spirit.  It is never turned off. Every room I am in, driving my car and even at work I listen to my Spotify Praise & Worship Playlist. It keeps the enemy at bay and he doesn’t stand a chance at getting into my thoughts as much as he would otherwise. This is a HUGE part of my life. I even play it when I go to sleep at night. Keeps bad dreams away.  I promise you it has brought me LOTS of healing, and it works!
  • Willingness & Surrender- If you truly want to heal you will have the WILLINGNESS to do whatever it takes to embark on a journey of healing. You will have the willingness to say “Okay God, I can’t do this on my own and I need your HELP! I surrender!”. We must all have the willingness or healing is not possible. For me, my pain became so great that I was desperate to do whatever it took to heal. I didn’t want to live with a broken heart my whole life.  I didn’t want to be sad forever. I didn’t want to be angry. So I had the WILLINGNESS to do whatever God put in my path and I started asking for help. Then God put more tools in my life. In order to heal the pain we have to feel the pain. This is for every hurt, habit or hang-up in life. Are you ready for that? Is your misery that bad? Mine was! I am not ashamed. I needed HELP! Are you willing to do ANYTHING to heal? Is your pain that great?
  • Faith- What is Faith? “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” – Hebrews 11:1. Ephesians 2:8-9 makes it clear that faith is a gift from God, not because we deserve it, have earned it, or are worthy to have it. It is not from ourselves; it is from God. We must have Faith that God can and will heal our hurts. If we believe it we will receive it. If you are at a place with no faith, I am here to tell you I have faith for you and I will stand in the gap for you until you are at a place of Faith. I believe we can all receive God’s healing. But Faith is a pivotal step in this process. How’s your faith these days?
  • Forgiveness- This is a major healing part of our journeys. I was angry at my birth mother, my adoptive mother and I absolutely despised 99% of adoptive parents I came into contact with. I had a deep seeded resentment against them. Why? For many reasons I won’t get into here. See Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?  for a look at why I and other adoptees might feel this way.  I’m being TRANSPARENT here because I know there are other adoptees that struggle with some if not all of these things. I HATED ADOPTION and THE ADOPTION INDUSTRY. I still struggle with much of this today.  Hey, I’m working on it and at least I can be transparent here.  I never said I was perfect, only moving daily towards making progress. I am in recovery and healing for the rest of my life. I do know forgiveness has been a HUGE key factor in my healing. WE HAVE TO FORGIVE! Have you read the links where unforgiveness and bitterness is linked to CANCER and SICKNESS?  Read This: The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness Not to mention the Bible commands us to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. WE MUST FORGIVE. Here is an EXCELLENT and highly recommended article on Forgiveness and what it means.
  • Acceptance- Have you accepted LIFE on LIFE’S terms? When we can’t accept things for what they are, we don’t truly process the emotions that go along with whatever it is we need to accept.  In order to TRULY FEEL IT TO HEAL IT. I had to accept it. It HURT but this was a KEY STEP in my healing process. No matter what happened in the past I can’t change the fact that I was adopted, or anything else for that matter. I would give anything to be NOT adopted but that’s impossible. I spent most of my life HATING it and being ANGRY and still feel that way sometimes.But my hate was/is only hurting myself and I didn’t want to carry that burden anymore. Adoption is rooted and grounded in LOSS then comes GRIEF and TRAUMA. It happened. The sooner we can accept it is a part of our lives and there is NOTHING we can do to change it the sooner we can move forward to heal from the pain adoption has caused. This promotes healing. Where are you on this topic?
  • Putting it on the SHELF- What in the world could this mean? LOL Well… I have a analogy I use. When something comes my way and I have no control over it and I can’t change it I take it and I visually put it up on the shelf. I do this daily, sometimes hourly!  It’s an imaginary shelf don’t judge me!  but for whatever reason the visualization of doing this HELPS ME A LOT. Why a shelf? Well the shelf is me giving it to God. I put it up there, it never gets filled up but it keeps going higher and higher and higher. I put “things” on the shelf ALL THE TIME! Things meaning issues, people, hurt feelings, decisions I can’t make, things out of my control, other peoples problems, etc.  Maybe another analogy will work better for you? I needed an action step behind praying and giving things to God. This has been great healing for me. You should try it! Do whatever works for you? Kick it in the closet? Throw it out the window? Put it in the dresser drawer? We are not designed to carry burdens without God helping us. Giving things to God has helped me tremendously.
  • Turning Anger into Something Positive- Anger is a natural response to many things in life. Grief, Loss, Trauma, Hurt, Pain can all cause anger. If you are quick to label an adoptee as an “Angry Adoptee” please stop. Many of us are hurting and we don’t  know of the tools to heal or have resources available. Try being understanding and listening without judgement. You just might learn something. Many people think anger is a negative force, but I must share I believe it to be a negative force when we respond to anger in a negative way. We all have a choice on what we do with this emotion. It can be a very motivating force to create change, promote healing and to push towards goals and fixing problems in our lives. We must understand that anger isn’t always bad, as long as its used for a positive purpose. I was angery most of my life, and still do sometimes but I also never had anyone pouring into me trying to HELP ME use it for God’s glory. TODAY things are different. I had to pray and ask God to help me do something positive with this anger. Many things were birthed because of this prayer and step in my life. We must find out what God wants to do to turn our anger into something positive. It’s critical to our healing process.
  • DNA Testing- The next time someone says “What do you want for your birthday or Christmas?” tell them a DNA kit from Ancestry DNA. I am telling you so many adoptees are finding out so many truths with DNA testing. I highly recommend it and found this to be an amazing avenue towards healing. I lived my entire life not knowing my nationality. I never knew my medical history. I had no DNA connections to anyone.Getting my DNA tested provided me with the answers my heart always desired. After you get your DNA testing done, you can download your raw data and upload it to Promethease and obtain a genetic testing report for $5. That’s IT! $5 can get you answers you have waited your entire life for. This brings major healing to find out our truth.
  • Transparency- Being adoptees, many of us are groomed by society in general that we shouldn’t be sad or upset about our adoption experiences. Some of us are in denial.  For many of us, there is no room for our grief, loss and sadness. Deep down many of us feel a deep unshakable sadness and a longing to know who we are and where we come from. As we reach our adult lives, many things can trigger us. Some adoptees aren’t bothered a bit, and some like me are bothered a lot. I have seen all variations. Holding things in and not sharing how you really feel is not healthy at all. Honesty and transparency on how we feel is critical to the healing process. Jeremiah 6:14 says “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” Please believe this is true. You are not alone in your feelings and being transparent is the ONLY way you will be able to heal.
  • Celebrate Recovery- Celebrate Recovery is the World’s leading Christ-centered Recovery Ministry and it’s designed to assist someone in overcoming life’s hurts, habits and hang-ups. This means abandonment, rejection, physical, sexual, emotional abuse, co-dependency, anger, rage, divorce, sexual issues, drugs, alcohol, control, self-esteem and any other issue big or small you can imagine. This means this ministry is an umbrella ministry that works miracles for everyone. I learned that abandonment, rejection and abuse of any kind are the root issues for peoples dysfunctional lifestyle habits and behaviors. For me, being adopted was one of my root sources of pain, alcohol use was just a symptom of that pain. The difference between Celebrate Recovery (CR) and many other recovery outlets available is CR names their higher power, Jesus Christ. CR is rooted and grounded in prayer. This ministry literally saved my life! It helped me with the tools I needed to be able to work on my issues and met me with love, compassion and acceptance and understanding. You can find a Celebrate Recovery ministry near you by clicking this link. Celebrate Recovery Locator
  • Blogging/Writing/Journaling- This has been a major healing tool for me and I hope and desire it will be a healing outlet for you as well. We all need a “Safe Place” to share our feelings on how it feels to be adopted. We need our OWN space. It can be a notebook, a private online blog, a public blog, writing a book or a memoir. I highly recommend blogging. What has blogging done for me? It’s created a healing place where I can read back in time and see how far I’ve grown. I can share it with other adoptees and they will know they aren’t alone. I will see I’m not alone. It’s a space where no one can tell me how to feel this is important to adoptees! and they can’t interrupt me. They can’t silence me with silencer statements. It’s a place of control for me which is another topic many adoptees struggle with. I can control all things that go in and out of my blog and what I share and don’t share. I actually use all 3 blogging, writing and journaling as healing tools. I recommend WordPress as a FREE online blogging source and it also has a wonderful APP that is easy to use from your cell phone. Templates are easy. Please consider setting up your own blog. I also have a blog/journal that’s my communication with God. This is one of my most healing and freeing places. WE MUST WRITE!  It’s a major healing source for many of us. See the Adoptee Blog Roll here on my page. I have listed over 6o adult adoptee bloggers and adding daily!  You aren’t alone!
  • Please Understand that If Someone Isn’t Adopted, They Don’t Understand Us- The quicker we can come to a place of acceptance of this the easier things will become. I remember back when I started my healing recovery journey. I was so frustrated that I would share my experience, pain, sadness, grief and loss and all I got from those around me was silencer statements like “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?” or “Aren’t you thankful she chose life?”. Adoptees understand this is adding insult to injury and avoiding the fact that we are TRYING to share a deep part of our lives but non-adoptees have no clue how they are hurting us. What’s a symptom of grief & loss? Anger, if the grief and loss aren’t acknowledged then it can come out in anger and rage.  That said; if someone isn’t adopted they can’t understand us because there are too many dynamics and without the experience it’s impossible.  Therapist that have years and years of training can’t truly understand us unless they are adopted. Adoptive parents or Birth Parents who “THINK” they know all there is to know about adoption can’t understand us. I am not saying they can’t TRY because there are some that TRY to sympathize and TRY to understand us. To fully understand us they would have to be one of us. I get great comfort in knowing that GOD understands us and knows our pain. It’s helped me be content with other’s not knowing or understanding. This brought me healing.  Most people (not all) honestly don’t know what to say to us. They have been groomed by society that adoption is a wonderful thing and sometimes it can be  but what they fail to acknowledge is that it is rooted and grounded in loss. Many non-adoptees don’t know what to say or what to do. People want us to feel better so without understanding they are hurting us further by not just listening, but offering unsolicited advice from a topic they simply can’t relate too they try to “FIX” us. I gave up many moons ago to try to get a non-adoptee to try to understand me UNLESS they are interested and WILLING to learn. There are very few! It’s sort of like me not knowing what its like to be divorced, because I have never been divorced. I have accepted this and forgiven them in advance. It was only hurting me to try to get them to understand, and acceptance they never possibly can has brought me healing.

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  • Back to the Womb Ministries-  OMG OMG OMG! I can’t even begin to express how AMAZING this healing exercise was for me! My spiritual momma Deanie Cinnamon came to my aide one day in 2015. I was in a state of misery. I was seriously suffering from a GREAT mother wound and a HUGE broken heart regarding my adoption experience. I had this huge feeling of wishing I was never born and being angry I was, wishing I was aborted. THE PAIN WAS THAT GREAT! I had a feeling of unwantedness attached to me that I was born with due to my birth mother not wanting me, rejecting the pregnancy and handing me over to strangers to raise. I lived with this most of my life. I obsessed with wondering if my birth mother ever held me when I was born, what was the room like that day and if she named me. I wondered if she cried or if she was happy to get it over with.  I know adoptees get it. Non-adoptees can’t possible understand. To them it’s just a “CHOICE” we choose to feel this way and ponder on the negative and past. In all honesty when traumas happen some people have to go through extensive therapy to work toward healing so until that happens for many people (not just adoptees) we feel like we are at a dead end and healing isn’t possible. Depression and Anxiety can set in ESPECIALLY when we don’t have any tools or the right ones that work for us. Nonetheless this HEALING TOOL was the most amazing experience. Ms. Deanie happened to get back from a training conference for 2 Hours to Freedom by Dr. Charles Kraft. She shared all the enlightening information with me about 2 Hours to Freedom and when I told her my feelings of the deep mother wound and I just couldn’t get out of this deep dark pit I was in she shared an exercise with me. This exercise is about 15 minutes long and I kid you not, after this exercise my life was changed! I don’t want to give it all away but I am sharing the link with you because hope and PRAY you are able to get the same healing as I did. Here is the link. Back to the Womb I also recommend purchasing Dr. Charles Krafts Books Here. He’s amazing and works a lot with healing. Please let me know if you watch the video and if it impacted you even a little bit. How did it make you feel? I will write about my experience soon in a blog post.
  • How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Community- I will never forget a moment in October 2012 where I was in a small group setting and it was the very first time in my life I spoke out loud about my birth mother. As I let the words “Birth Mother” come out of my mouth I immediately began to weep and cry. Before you know it snot was slinging and I was a hot mess. I had never shared with other people how it felt being adopted and my heart break for the loss of my birth mother. Before I could finish saying what I was going to say an adoptive mom interrupted me and said loudly “YOU DON’T KNOW ADOPTION LIKE I KNOW ADOPTION!” I was floored. I was not in any shape to battle or even discuss things any further. I shut down and never said another word. I left in tears. Distraught because it seemed to me all the equations in the adoption “triangle” seem to be able to share their voice EXCEPT the ADOPTEE. Our voice is silenced, shut down, and not welcomed and we are labeled “Angry” or “An adoptee that just had a “BAD EXPERIENCE“.We are treated like perpetual children in the world for many reasons. Although this experience was extremely difficult for me it sparked me to create a safe place for adoptees to share how it feels to be adopted.  This community has grown to close to 4000 “Likes” and its a very active online community. The unique thing about “How Does it Feel to Be Adopted” is that its a “ALL ADOPTEE COMMENTING ZONE” meaning adoptees are the only ones welcome to comment because we are the only ones who know how it feels to be adopted. The world can see and read our comments and how we feel which helps them LEARN from us, but they are no allowed to comment. This is the only setting I am aware of that is set up this way. It’s an open dialog for adoptees to ask other adoptees for support regarding certain topics regarding our adoptee journeys. It’s been a MAJOR source of healing and networking for adoptees all over the world. I know this because I have received countless amounts of messages, emails and communication with adoptees and they tell me how much this community means to them and how it’s helped them heal.  The more we band together with those who “Get It” the more we understand we aren’t alone. If you haven’t joined this community yet PLEASE do so today!
  • Share Your Story on the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Blog- We have a blog just for YOU! I created this blog because there are places adoptees have to share their stories, but there are guidelines or some are turned away. I have felt many times that being turned away was rejection and I know that hits pretty hard for adoptees. I decided to create the How Does it Feel to Be Adopted? – Blog so no adoptee is turned away. Click that link and it will take you to the about section. You will find a few very minor guidelines and what I would need. The next step is to get to writing. Your story matters and you matter. This page is set up for YOU!
  • The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier- This book is a MUST READ for adoptees. Really anyone impacted by adoption in anyway will greatly benefit but especially adoptees. I will never forget reading this book and all the “Aha” moments I had  as I turned the pages. It was the first time in my life where everything finally made sense. It made so much sense I had to put the book back down and pick it back up many times because I was so overwhelmed in a good way. When you spend your entire life not even understanding all the dynamics yourself it is extremely moving to finally have some understanding and clarity. It brought me a HUGE amount of healing. You can purchase this book on Amazon for under $10 used here: The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child
  • Adoptee Books & Memoirs- As a suggestion consider making an investment in starting a collection of adoptee books and memoirs. I have done this and not only am I supporting my fellow adoptees but I am also reading each one, understanding and absorbing each one. Every single story I have read so far I can resonate with much of it. It helped me realize I’m not alone, I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do and it gave me a broader perspective of what many other adoptees experience, not just myself. Lots of healing doing this. Soon I will have Adoptee Books & Memoirs listed here.
  • Use Your Experience to Help Non-Adoptees Who Seek Advice from Adoptees at “Ask An Adoptee”– I created Ask An Adoptee after How Does it Feel to be Adopted.  This page was ignited because we have a small population of non-adoptees who WANT TO LEARN FROM US. What better way to use our pain than to help adoptive parents and birth parents understand our perspective? We separated the 2 pages because questions from non-adoptees can be triggering to some adoptees. To create a safe place for adoptees this is also an “All Adoptee Commenting Zone”. Please check it out and read the “About Section” to learn more. If you are a non-adoptee reading please feel free to inbox us your questions. We are here to help.  Sharing our feelings and offering support to those who need it is part of the healing process. Here is the link to this page.Ask An Adoptee
  • Therapy- I highly suggest therapy from a therapist who understands complicated grief, loss and trauma and disenfranchised grief. Reach out to Nancy Verrier and she’s quick to get back to you in reference to adoptee therapists in your area.
  • Find Someone Who Will Listen Without Silencing You- I have found that through my journey most people who aren’t adopted can’t understand it nor comprehend it so when we share about it they don’t know what to say. That said, the quickest way to get out of the conversation is to either shut us down and most the time they don’t even realize they are doing it or they change the subject, or use silencer statements. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! But we all need that ONE PERSON or that ONE FRIEND that will listen without judgement. I had to research “Active Listener” because I came to a place where I desperately  needed someone in my life who would JUST LISTEN! We don’t need anyone to try to FIX US. I’ve found many people listen with the intent to reply and we really need them to listen with the intent to learn. It’s so frustrating for adoptees because no one wants to talk about uncomfortable topics so we shut down and keep everything inside. When that happens we feel extreme feelings that are not good. Sadness, anger, rage, low self esteem because we feel we aren’t important and our pain doesn’t matter. Anxiety and depression can set it.  PLEASE TRY TO FIND THAT ONE PERSON, THAT ONE FRIEND that will let you SHARE your heart without judgement. Ask someone if they will be your accountability partner regarding this topic. Of course if you could find an adoptee you would be winning all the way across the board, but sometimes that’s not possible.
  • Twitter & Social Media- I have a list on my Twitter of over 500 Adoptees. Why? Because we MUST connect with those who understand us and can relate to our journeys    Click Here= 500+ Adoptee List  Every time I connect with another adoptee I am able to tell them”YOU AREN’T ALONE!” I was alone for most of my life in this journey and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. The first adoptee I ever connected with online was Jessenia Arias You can find her on Twitter at @iamadopted I can’t even express how much it meant for me to find another living human being that GOT IT. She brought me out of my deep hidden shell and taught me it’s okay to feel the way I do. We all must do this for one another. Now, I am returning the Gift God has given me in finding Jessenia and reaching out to other adoptees all over the world. You can use hashtag #adoptee #adopted #adoption and connect with adoptees everywhere. You can find me on Instagram under @howdoesitfeeltobeadopted OR @pwishes. Social Media, especially Twitter are great places to connect with your fellow adoptees. Connecting with those who “Get It” is HEALING.
  • Start A Support Group- You notice I say “Start A Support Group” vs. “Find A Support Group”. This is because adoptee support groups are very rare to find. I have searched all over my area and there are none. I haven’t even found any in my state. We have got to change this. God has given me a vision and I am in the process of activating it. He told me over a year ago that I was not only going to have an online ministry reaching out to adoptees all over the world, I was going to reach out to them right here in my own community. Adoptees Connect-Lexington, KY is in the process of being rooted right here on my own comunity. You don’t need any qualifications to do it. Being adopted in itself is enough. You understand things that no one else understands. Read this over and over and consider starting an all adoptee support group in your city. If I can do it, so can you! I believe in you!

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  • Paul Sunderland- Lecture on Adoption & Addiction- This lecture blew me away when I first watched it and continues to do so each time. It is a major eye awakening video and a must see by everyone who is impacted by adoption. Learning is healing. Here is the lecture: Lecture on Adoption & Addiction
  • Searching for Birth Families- This can be a frightening process for some adoptees. I could go on forever about this topic, but I wanted to share that every single person on this earth deserves to know who they are and where they come from. There are resources available to HELP YOU search for FREE. Never EVER EVER pay ANYONE TO HELP YOU SEARCH! Not even any adoptees. There are FREE resources available. Please reach out to Priscilla Stone- Sharp on Facebook AND Join Search Squad on Facebook. I will get a link together for some more search resources because there are too many for this space. Never give up HOPE in finding your family. In order to heal we must know our TRUTH.
  • Understanding or Circumstances- I made the choice to start researching what birth mothers, first mothers went through in the baby scoop era and the years moving past it. WHY? Because I wanted to understand WHY? Why did my birth mother make this choice? Why did she reject me after meeting her? Many of us spend our entire lives living in the unknown and many of us never have been given the TRUTH as to WHY. By researching adoption as a whole I was able to gain a better understanding. I was able to put myself in my birth mothers shoes to have compassion for her and the decision she mad way back in 1974. The book The Girls Who Went Away was a wonderful healing tool for me. It takes you through countless stories of birth mothers and the era, and how they felt relinquishing their babies. Many were stolen. Another site I recommend is [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum Healing happens when we are able to understand better.
  • Adoptees On- My great friend, fellow adoptee AND sister in Christ Haley Radke started her very own podcast called Adoptees On. This podcast is truly a gift to the adoptee/adoption community. Consider reaching out to Haley and sharing your story. Also, listen to your fellow adoptees podcasts. Yours truly will be aired sometime in November. Remember, Sharing is healing. We must share our stories. Your story matters and you deserve to be heard.
  • Write Letters to Your Birth Parents- This is a great healing exercise. Some of us don’t even know who our birth parents are, yet this exercise can still bring us healing. Share in the letter how their decision has impacted you and how you feel about it. Share your feelings no matter what they are, good or bad. You can share this letter with an accountability person, a close friend or family member you trust or a therapist. Generally, most adoptees don’t send the letters but it does do wonders just to get the feelings off our chest. I wrote one to my birth mother years ago. The emotions were overwhelming but that’s a good thing. Remember, in order to heal it we must feel it.
  • Research Abandonment PTSD- Again, in order to heal I wanted to learn as much as possible of the impact on a baby when a mother leaves us. Please check both these articles out. I am sure there are many more. Abandonment from our birth mothers is a real live trauma. The more we understand it’s impacts the more we can heal. PTSD of Abandonment Part 1 AND PTSD of Abandonment Part 2 I’m positive there are more resources out there so RESEARCH Abandonment & PTSD! This is REAL for MANY ADOPTEES.
  • Research Attachment Theory & RAD-  Many adoptees experience both or one or the other. It’s pretty complicating but there are resources available to help you understand better and learn. Learning about these things can bring healing in understanding WHY we are the way we are.
  • Process Grief & Loss- I wrote a blog post about this one time. Here it is. Grief, Loss & Adoptees This is an extreme critical part of our healing process. The hardest part for many adoptees is society doesn’t acknowledge we should even go through this process. WHY? Because the world only has room for the glorifying adoption stories. The fact is, that we have lost A LOT. We ALL need to grieve those losses. What ever that looks like to you. Everyone is different. It’s a process and it doesn’t have a time frame. If someone lost a husband or a wife in a car wreck or to a horrible disease we wouldn’t tell them “Okay, it’s time you get over that and move on!”. But people say it to adoptees ALL THE TIME, or label us as dwelling on the past. Let me tell you something no one ever told me. We lost not one ENTIRE FAMILY but TWO. Our maternal side and our paternal side. THAT’S A LOT OF LOSS AND A LOT OF PEOPLE! Take your time, be easy on yourself and know that it’s all a process and things will get easier. But remember, WE HAVE TO FEEL IT IN ORDER TO HEAL IT. What has the healing process looked like  to me? Writing, Crying, Crying and more CRYING. Talking to those who care to listen, more writing and more crying. The key is not getting STUCK. The enemy has tried his hardest to keep me stuck but he’s a lier and I refuse to spend the rest of my life grieving my losses. It’s a PROCESS. I can’t say it enough. We move through it. Read my blog post I shared above. Research the grief and loss process. IT WILL HELP YOUR HEALING.
  • Identify Your Triggers- This is something I’m working on as we speak in therapy. Not just identifying them but working on them. This is a must. It’s better when we have a better understanding of all the things I have listed in this post. When we have an understanding of WHY we are the way we are, the triggers don’t seem so bad. We are actually NORMAL for having these triggers considering what we have experienced by being abandoned & rejected. Identifying triggers is a great part of the healing process, working on them brings more healing. I suggest this for everyone.
  • Get Involved in Adoptee Rights- Be an activist! We all deserve our OBC’s and we all should be on board for equal access for all adoptees all over to be able to have their OBC. Visit The American Adoption Congress and The Adoption ALARM Network to keep up to date with what’s going on. I know there are more sites out there. These just come to the top of my mind. GET INVOLVED. Use your pain for God’s GOOD.
  • Purchase Dr. Dan Siegel – The Developing Mind- Dan covers neurobiological reasons that early trauma affects our behavior, emotional responses, and neurological connections. It is hard for adoptees to know that we have suffered a trauma, when that trauma happened so early in our lives, and most of the world doesn’t recognize that trauma. This book was an eye opener for me. It also touched on nature vs. nurture topic. Please purchase a used copy for under $5 here. The Developing Mind- Dr. Dan Siegel. Understanding brings healing.
  • Adoption News & Events- This is a very informative page that shares national and international adoption news and events. It’s wonderful to get educated and learn all the things going on around the world on adoption. They share tons of helpful information. Please “Like” their Facebook page today. Adoption News & Events
  • Being Adopted is A Piece of Who We Are, But Not All Of It- Its so easy to get consumed with “Adoptee Land”. It’s critical to our healing, peace of mind and our overall happiness that we can pull away from our adoptee lives sometimes. Yes, we will always be adopted but God has also called us to LIVE LIFE and live it abundantly. We have to learn to be on our healing journey but also take time away for our families, for our selves and those close to us. I am 110% guilty and I’ve had to learn that adoption is just a piece of who I am, not all of me.Pulling away is sometimes a healthy thing and we must all do it.
  • Understand the Way You Feel is Normal for a Not Normal Situation- I remember the first time someone shared this with me, I was like “WOW!” So here I am sharing it with you. That’s right, being separated from our first families is NOT NORMAL. Our responses and how we feel are perfectly normal for experiencing such a trauma. Please believe this and be easy on yourself.
  • Purchase Baby’s Remember Birth- I remember hearing about this book and taking a leap of purchase. I was happy I did. I learned many things regarding being born and how babies store our memories in our subconscious memory and much more. I had a deep desire to put all the pieces together all the way back to before I was born. I wanted to learn everything possible about the mother and baby bonding and what happens when that bond is interrupted. Click here to order it used for $4.00 on Amazon. Baby’s Remember Birth by Dr. David Chamberland
  • Purchase The Secret Life of the Unborn Child- This book shares how mothers can give their babies wonderful lives in utero even before they are born. So what happens when our birth mothers mentally prepare to surrender the baby? When she mentally rejects the pregnancy? All of these things I wanted too research. I NEEDED TO KNOW all the details. This book helped me heal. I hope it helps you also. Click this link to purchase on Amazon used for $4. The Secret Life of the Unborn Child
  • Live Your Life- It’s so easy to get caught up in causes, our hurts, our pain. It’s easy to consume our lives with our struggles. I know first hand because I am in recovery and there is always work to be done on SELF! It’s a non stop journey of moving forward and improving ones self. I truly understand. I now look at my life as a pie. Why? Because I view my adoption experience as just a piece of the pie. For MANY years it was the entire pie. Why? Because I was in deep grief and loss processing through things I had never even touched before. That was a GOOD thing to go THROUGH it because remember we have to feel it to heal it. Do you see the letter “through” is KEY! I spent 4 years in that process and it’s 4 years I can never get back. I don’t regret it, WE ALL NEED TO DO IT in some form or fashion. It might take you 3 weeks but it took me 4 years. But God, he has shared with me recently that he’s ready for me to LIVE MY LIFE HE HAD INTENDED FOR ME ALL ALONG. The life he has intended for each of us. I will always be in recovery. I will always be healing. But it’s time for me to MOVE FORWARD and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. My Pastor & Spiritual Father Marion Dalton confirmed what God had put on my heart about a month ago. I went up to the altar for prayer and he prayed over me. He said many things but one of the things that stood out the most was, “God said the next PATH of your life is going to be NOTHING like the first part. NOTHING! It’s going to be a much easier path!” At that moment God gave me a vision of a beautiful path. This path was long and each side was filled with beautiful flowers in a bunch of greenery. Colors and green everywhere. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. I could see it very vivid. He continued to pray “YOUR BREAKING GENERATIONAL CURSES FROM FAMILY YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!” It was AMAZING at the word I got that night. I am sharing this with you because 1 week after this prayer I went to a park, on a walk. I turned the corner and you will never believe what I saw….

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Unbelievable because this is the exact path I saw in the vision God gave me. SO at this point I have 2 choices. I receive the word or I reject it. WHO WOULD REJECT SUCH A GREAT GOD GIVEN WORD? Not me. Living 42 years with pain, agony, sadness, depression, fear, anger, hate and unwantedness from LIFE and ADOPTION, I am here to tell you I am ready to move forward with my life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE and ENJOY the GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN ME IN MY LIFE. No person reading this is excluded from receiving the great Gift God has for you. Reach out to me. It’s time to go LIVE YOUR LIFE.

 I LOVE YOU! ❤

Please come back and share with me what has worked for you and what is familiar to you about these tools. Have any of them helped you?

What is Adoptee Limelight?

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What is Adoptee Limelight?

Launching Fall 2016

It’s a space dedicated to hearing the healing stories of adoptees from all around the world. It’s a space they can share their story, pain, hope and healing regarding their adoption journey. It’s a space where we can come together and read, share and learn from other adoptee experiences. It’s a space where non-adoptees can read and learn from those who understand exactly what it feels like to be adopted, the adoptee.  Adoptee Limelight is dedicated to share a place of hope and empowerment for adoptees so they can know there is something more out there for us, far beyond our adoptee status. We will recognize what it’s taken for us to get to that place of healing and hope and share it with the world.

Our first guest will be the amazing…

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Coming Soon!

I’ve learned through this journey the more adoptee stories I read and hear and learn about the more I feel complete. The more I feel like I’m not alone or crazy in this world. The more I feel validated. I desire this for every one of my fellow adoptees out there so I decided to ignite “Adoptee Limelight” as a way to SHARE SHARE SHARE! I know different healing tools have worked for all of us, and none have worked for some of us. My God given vision is we all come to a place where we share our healing tools via “Adoptee Limelight” so we can enlighten our fellow adoptees with the possibility that healing is possible for them. We all come from different backgrounds, place and beliefs and what works for some might not work for another. This is a place for adoptees to share.

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Click here to be redirected to the official “Adoptee Limelight” page on my blog.

All entries will be featured for 3-4 weeks and be posted on the blog to be shared.

There are a few guidelines to be introduced before submission of your story.  Please email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com for information.

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The Ailing Adoptive Mother

When you’re adoptive mom is ailing and you have no relationship with her…

I always knew this day would come.

I fill with FEAR even thinking about it!

11 years ago I packed my kids up in a 22 foot U-HAUL with all our belongings and we moved across the country far away from my adoptive mom where she couldn’t spin her sick and twisted mentality on my children and on my life any longer.

I consider it an escape.

I will never forget July 2, 2005

runaway

If you knew all I know about my life, my child hood, and the pain and anguish this lady has caused me you would consider it an escape also.

ALONE

I was alone when I made the biggest, hardest decision of my life. This one decision would impact the rest of my life and the rest of my kids’ lives. I had to make a choice. Move away and have no family ties in the state we were moving too, or stay and my kids would experience all the trauma, emotional manipulation and mental sickness that my adoptive mother is filled with.

If you are curious of all the dynamics please read The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother . I won’t go into all the details here because it would take too long.

This decision is one my kids still don’t quite understand because they escaped, and they didn’t experience all I did. I AM SO GLAD THEY DIDN’T EXPERIENCE ALL I DID! What they understand is they left the only grandmother they would ever know and one that they spent a lot of time with the first part of their lives. Because of this it has created a space of confusion for them and I hate being adopted because of this. Why should my kids have to suffer just because I got dealt a raw deal in the mother area?

Regardless, I do not regret moving them/us away so they could have a better life. I understand they might not fully understand because they didn’t experience the other side as much as I did but when I noticed my adoptive mom starting to make them rub her back, massage her body and do inappropriate things I knew it was time to go. We raise our kids to have compassion, and to be kind and to love others, especially their grandparents. Well it’s hard for them to understand and it’s something that I struggle with because I don’t ever want them to fully understand because that means they didn’t experience as much as I did. I’m thankful for that. The flip side is that in there little sweet hearts, they just want their grandma minus all the BS! It hurts them, and it hurts me to see them hurt. I had to make this choice for my kids and I and now that they are adults they can make their own choices. It was my job as their mother to PROTECT THEM. That’s exactly why I moved far away.

My adoptive dad and his wife have always lived far away and I have a little bit of a relationship with them. When I was 1 my adoptive parents divorced and my adoptive dad remarried.   As an adult in my 40’s I can’t help but question WHY. Why did he leave us with this lady and HE KNEW how crazy she was? THAT’S WHY HE DIVORCED HER! He KNEW what she was capable of, but to this day most of the trauma and drama that we experienced was kept hidden from him. Within the last few years I had a talk with him. I was curious what the beginning of my life was like. I said, “How was she as a mother when I was a baby?” If you do the research you will know how critical the bond between baby and mother is ESPECIALLY at the beginning of life. When the original bond is broken, a trauma occurs. For me, I always wondered if I bonded with her, because I didn’t feel like I bonded with anyone, especially not a mother figure. He said, “When we got the call for you to be adopted, you should have never been adopted. (He wasn’t being mean, he was just being truthful!) Your “Mother” couldn’t even take care of the first baby (my adoptive sister that was 11 months older) but she wanted another baby. She had to undergo a psychological evaluation but somehow she passed. And we were able to adopt you. After that everything went to hell in a hand basket!” — WOW. It’s unbelievable that this woman was able to adopt even after she couldn’t take care of the first adopted child.  And then my adoptive dad left got remarried and moved over an hour away.

My adoptive sister and I were left ALONE with this MANIC DEPRESSIVE NARCISSISTIC WOMAN who not only tied us to chairs with dish towels, but tried to commit suicide over and over and made us her personal slaves taking care of her day in and day out.

Through my child hood I went to my adoptive dad’s house to visit every other weekend for the duration of my child hood.  He took us on vacations; we camped and traveled a lot. He let me be a kid. He was always amazing in my eyes, aside from one thing. I remember about my adoptive dad’s house was that they have always favored and I have experienced the pain from this first hand. I was on the opposite side of the one child that was always favored, as well as the rest of my adoptive siblings. IT HURT!  I never wanted my kids to feel the pain from being favored. If you favor kids or grandkids you need to stop! It causes lifelong pain and trauma! STOP STOP STOP!  I was an adopted step child and many times I was treated as such. There always has been and always will be a favorite in their eyes, even with the grandkids. I spared my kids the pain from experiencing this and made the choice not to move where this was happening. I wanted better for them.

If we were in Kentucky all alone with no family I could protect my kids, give them a better life than what I had, no family drama and manipulation. We have a church family here. We have a church home. God has put some amazing people in our lives who are our family. We are thankful.

But there is this piece inside of me, and I’m certain my kids who are deep down sad we have no family here to spend holidays with, to have relationships with and to invite over for Sunday dinners. I still would rather have escaped than deal with the adoptive mother, but look at the alternative. WE ARE ALONE IN KENTUCKY WITH NO FAMILY. Yes, I chose that. I have to always remind myself I chose that. But I also am reminded what the alternate was…

Again, refer back to the Narcissistic Blog post.

There is no point in taking my mind to “I wish, I wish”. There is no wishing in this game of adoption. Not for the adoptee anyway! We have no wishes, no choices, and no say so. We have no rights. I had no choice in moving away if I wanted better for my kids.

Today I have 110% control over my life, and who I allow in it and who I allow to manipulate me and hurt me. I teach my kids the same thing.

My adoptive mom is at the top of the list of people who has hurt me, way before I grew up and started acting out on my pain and I began to hurt others out of hurt, anger and pain from my child hood traumas I experienced growing up. My adoptive mom is the biggest trigger I have in my entire life. I think of her coming close to me or my kids I fill with a fear I can’t even describe. The last time she was here it was literally like the devil showed itself up at my doorstep. I am not kidding either. She brought her pill addicted self to my home and tried to create drama and a wedge between my kids and I and was full force into her manipulation tactics, manic depressive episodes, and craziness that I grew up in. This was August 2012. When she left my home at this time I told her she was never welcome in my home again and if she wanted to see her grandkids she would need to get a hotel room. I NEVER want my kids to see their grandmother lying around lethargic clinging to her prescription pill bottles tighter than she is clinging to anything in this lifetime.

WHY CAN’T SHE JUST BE A HAPPY HEALTHY NORMAL GRANDMA?

I always have hope that people can change, but she is someone I don’t believe ever will. Her mental illness, pill addiction and manic depression is too severe and she has never been treated for any of the root issues regarding all these things or these things in general. Growing up I didn’t understand! Now that I am grown up I understand! She’s SICK. And in the process she has just kept destroying lives, and somehow in the middle managed to adopt 2 kids!

She always said, “Your birth mother made my dreams come true to be a mommy”.  Talk about a mental mind F$%K for a child. I wanted to know my birth mother, to see her to be near her. I wanted my birth mother to be my mother. But my biggest loss was my adoptive mother’s biggest gain. I hated her for many years of my life because of all the hell she put me through. She was never a mother, and I never bonded to her at all. She made my skin crawl and still does. I was always the one who took care of her, telling her “It’s going to be okay mommy!” as she cry day in and day out about everything you could imagine.

Let me share, I remember my entire life her having “Talks” with me about never wanting to go to a nursing home. These talks go back all the way to me being a little girl. I never understood how random this was until I grew into my adult life. One year after my escape, she drove to my door to visit my kids. She wanted to have another “talk” with me. She was only 60 years old at the time. She wanted to know if I would be her POA and agree to take care of her in her elderly years. She was trying to have this “serious” talk with me and try to manipulate me into being her POA. Does she even understand what that might look like coming from me? That’s a whole different blog post!

First of all, I have 3 SMALL children and I am a single mother barely making it back in 2005! I was on public assistance, welfare, didn’t even have a car at the time. BUT SHE- THE ADOPTIVE MOTHER drove all the way to KENTUCKY to have this “TALK” with me about HERSELF and HER ELDERLY CARE WHEN SHE WAS 60 years old! I was blown away! I told her there was no way under God’s green earth that I was going to agree to ANYTHING regarding her care! We shouldn’t even be talking about this with her being 60 years old. I was 30 for God’s sake! With 3 small children! I quickly caught on to her scheming and manipulation tactics. We hadn’t even had a relationship since I escaped! My hands were full with my kids, and I found it extremely offensive she never took anything into consideration but HERSELF.

I shut her down and her topic of conversation back in 2005. I believe wholeheartedly that as parents age, things happen naturally and one of your kids who you have a great relationship with should be the one to step up and WANT to be the POA for the ailing parents. I never have or never will expect my kids to “TAKE CARE OF ME!” as I get older! If they choose to than I would be forever thankful, but if they don’t all I ask is they make sure the nursing home where I am is providing me with the care I need, and they be a voice for me if I am unable to be a voice for myself. IT’S VERY SIMPLE but I am thinking about them and their lives and I don’t want to impose on whatever they might have going on. They might be married, raising kids, or even raising grandkids for all I know. They might be in college, or not in a financial position to take care of me. I AM OKAY WITH THAT! Truth be told, if we do what we are supposed to do in the parenting area, our kids should WANT to take care of us if they are able! We shouldn’t have to manipulate and force them at all!  I believe with my entire being that my adoptive mother ONLY ADOPTED KIDS FOR HER OWN SELFISH DESIRES AND NEEDS AND A BIG PART OF THAT WAS TO LOCK ONE OF THE 2 KIDS SHE ADOPTED INTO BEING HER POA AND MANIPULATING US TO CARE FOR HER IN HER DYING DAYS…

Not only did she get a ticket to “mother hood” by adopting, she got a ticket out of being in a nursing home when she got into her dying days…

OR THIS IS WHAT SHE THOUGHT

It has taken me 37+ years to forgive this woman. I have forgiven her back in 2012. I refuse to carry any hate towards her. I feel sorry for her. I pity her. She’s an addict and she’s mentally sick. Her doctors have completely failed her and she has manipulated every single person she has come into contact with, even churches and pastors! I have seen it with my very own eyes growing up and as an adult. I learned as a child to disassociate my child self to a grown up self. I had no choice. When I was dealing with a hysterical manic depressive “Adoptive Mother” what choice did I have?

Today, I am at a place of peace with moving away although I will always have sadness regarding having to make this choice. WHY WAS I EVEN ADOPTED IF THIS WAS GOING TO BE A CHOICE I HAD TO MAKE? I feel like an adopted orphan and there comes a lot of pain with this! Not just for me but for my kids. I still get angry sometimes knowing my kids have to experience even a little of the pain I do. I get sad, and I hate adoption because of it. Yes, I have a hard story and so do many of my fellow adoptees! But I have had to make the choice to move forward with my life! When the sadness comes, I acknowledge it because trust me, NO ONE ELSE WILL! Adoptees are ALIENATED in how we feel! There is no one to share it with aside from one another adoptee.

The point of this blog post is to ponder what to do when my ailing adoptive mother is having issues, is in rehab and she is “ANGRY” my kids or I haven’t run to the rescue. By way of a 3rd party to one of my kids her POA has given multiple messages which I believe are somewhat manipulative and of course my kids want to know “WHAT DO I DO?” At this point my kids are all adults. I do not want that lady anywhere around my kids because she’s extremely dangerous with her manipulation tactics and she has many times tried to create a wedge and start drama between my kids and I, not to mention do everything in her power to guilt my kids into feeling sorry for her. WE DON’T HAVE DRAMA UNLESS SHE’S HERE! When she rolls up it’s like my child hood flashing back accept it’s with my kids in it! It’s BAD! Very VERY BAD!

You all know I am in RECOVERY! I will have 4 years soon. Even thinking of allowing her 461b8dc93aa7a7cd596ba3b9589fde5cback in my life causes me great grief and stress and anxiety! I WILL RELAPSE if I allow her back in my life. Drinking was my escape!  Yes, I still have so many memories from my child hood that I just can’t allow her back in my life for many reasons. Mainly because she’s still extremely toxic and I have gotten SO MUCH HELP for my issues, been working for years towards healing from my childhood which she robbed from me! I am still working on myself and doing everything I can to be a better mother to my kids than what I got…

And then here she comes out of nowhere expecting my kids and I to drop our lives and come running. I am blown away! There is NOTHING I can do for her because she has done NOTHING to help herself. She is still addicted to prescription pain pills, and manipulating everyone around by her hypochondriac sickness, manic depressive episodes, sleeping all day being awake all night.

If I tap into the little girl that so desperately wanted a mommy back in my child hood I get pretty sad and part of me wishes I could do something for her. I wish she was the mother I always dreamed of. If she was a “GOOD” adoptive mother I would love to move her here, take care of her, and make sure she was taken care of! BUT SADLY I never got the mother I deserved, as many people in life don’t. I was never comforted, protected, or loved the way I needed to be loved. She said she loved me but her actions showed the opposite so I grew up never knowing what LOVE felt like. After all, when you LOVE SOMEONE “SO MUCH” you hand them over to strangers to raise?  As soon as I tap into that little girl who wants and misses her mommy, HER REAL MOMMY, I remove myself and come back to REALITY. THE TRUTH IS MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER HAS NEVER BEEN A MOTHER. SHE ISN’T CAPABLE OF BEING A MOTHER.  SHE ADOPTED ONLY SO HER KIDS COULD TAKE CARE OF HER.

What I have considered doing is that when she gets to the stage of not being able to destroy lives anymore, and when she is out of her mind I would consider it then. But as long as her mouth piece keeps running and manipulation keeps flowing from her lips I will have no part of her life. I just can’t. The first 31 years of my life were catering to her, moving her, caring for her, cleaning for her, slaving for her, everything was about HER HER HER!

Today at 41 years old, almost 42 I am putting myself first and my kids first. I have for the last 10 years and moving away was the most freeing thing I have ever done in my lifetime. I do not regret it for one minute. What I do regret is ever being adopted in the first place. I hate every bit of being adopted. I’m on the outside of 2 family trees not belonging to either of them. It’s heartbreaking

BUT GOD!

I am here and alive. I have 3 amazing kids and one of the biggest joys of my future is having my kids grow up and having wonderful relationships with them and having grandkids in the future. We are our own family. I encourage my kids to surround themselves with HEALTHY PEOPLE and HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! I encourage them to set boundaries with people if they aren’t healthy. If people can’t abide by your boundaries you have every right to cut them out of your life.

YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING!!!

I DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING!!!

I DIDN’T SIGN ANY ADOPTION PAPERWORK!

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I have prayed to God, asking Him if I am supposed to be the one to step up and do something to “CARE” for the woman who adopted me but never cared for me, only emotionally and mentally abused me I would like him to please SHIFT MY HEART back to the little girl who has compassion and love for this lady who stole so much. I have never felt FREER in my life than the moment I had that truck loaded, and drove all the way across the country and I had my babies with me. The FREEING feeling is something I can’t even describe. I believe the best way is the understand that I broke free from a toxic situation to FREEDOM but it was extremely difficult to get to that point. I had to have MUCH faith in God and put my hope and trust in him. When we arrived back in KY we had no home, no money, no bank account, no keys to anything, no car, no job, ONLY MY KIDS AND I AND OUR BELONGINGS! We stayed at my twin’s granny’s house for a few months; slowly God began to bless us. DON’T FORGET I HAD A LIFETIME OF TRAUMA DEEP INSIDE STILL BENEATH THE SURFACE. CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS SO DEEP I COULD MAKE A LIST! But GOD… He blessed us, I was able to get a job, a car, a place, and we have been doing well ever sense. I HAVE FINALLY ESCAPED AND MADE SOMETHING FOR MY KIDS AND MYSELF. On the outside things have been pretty good, but deep inside it’s taken me the last 4 years in recovery to scratch the surface on all the pain adoption has caused me! I am in acceptance mode that this recovery journey is going to last a lifetime and things might not get easier anytime soon. I have 31 years of conditioning I’m breaking FREE FROM. 31 years of anger, rage, hate, self-hate, abandonment, rejection, abuse, physical, sexual and emotional from my lifetime. 25+ years of my life I was a heavy drinker because I JUST COULDN’T FEEL THE PAIN OF MY PAST.

BUT GOD…

So today while my adoptive mother has fallen, gone to a rehab nursing home and she is making demands that she hates to be there and via a 3rd party is doing her best to manipulate my kids which in return she knows will get back to me I STILL FEEL NO OBLIGATION TO RUN TO HER AND START TO PICK UP WHERE I LEFT OFF WHEN I ESCAPED IN 2005 AND BEGIN TO TAKE CARE OF HER AGAIN. I TOOK CARE OF HER FOR 31 YEARS.

I am finally at a place where I am going to start living my life, all the life that was stolen when I was a child and up until I was 31 when I escaped. I have never started living life yet, and I have 3 amazing kids who are all adults now. I feel our relationships are about to get stronger and better. So far I’ve been mother and father to them, a role that is one that is TOUGH because a lot of times they don’t like me because I have to put boundaries into play. But if our kids like us all the time we aren’t doing something right! But I am already noticing a change in our relationships where we are getting closer because I’ve had to take a step back in some areas because they are ultimately going to choose what path they are going to take in life and now I believe we are going to become closer as friends, at least that’s what I feel and hope anyway. I PRAY A LOT FOR MY KIDS. GOD GETS THE GLORY EVERYDAY for bringing my kids and I where we are but I cannot and will not let the enemy come in and STEAL any more of my life than what he has already stolen! HE’S STOLEN A LOT! God is GOOD and GOOD things have happened since I escaped and he’s going to bring MORE GOOD as we move forward.

I pray for my adoptive mom and at this point that is truly what I feel God is leading me to do for her. Prayer is powerful and prayer changes things. I pray God help her heal from all the sickness she has had my entire life. I pray God change my heart if I am supposed to go help take care of her, or bring her where I am to take care of her. At this point even thinking about it causes me great stress, anxiety, and emotional and psychological wounds that aren’t fully healed come whaling back to my mind. I clearly don’t believe God is calling me to do anything at this point. She has blood family in Iowa. She has a sister, nieces and nephews; she has a power of attorney. She has friends, a pastor and the adoptive sister I grew up with has a relationship with her. So there are other people who have relationships with her who can step up and care for her.

I am deeply saddened that even from her nursing home bed she is still trying to manipulate and make others, including my children feel GUILTY she is there. We live states away and last I knew when people made responsible financial decisions in their life they SAVED THEIR OWN MONEY for their care as they got elderly. They didn’t EXPECT THEIR CHILDREN TO PAY FOR IT. She is at a rehab! The point of rehab is for her to GET BETTER and get back on her feet so she can go back home. I suspect a major part of her problem is that they are monitoring her medications and she’s addicted to pain pills. I have seen elderly in this position and I have had 31 years + experience with her addiction and I KNOW she can become impossible to deal with. She will have the most sane person in the world PULLING THEIR HAIR OUT! So she really has no say in where she is, when she is in the best place possible getting recovery hopefully going back to her apartment. Even if I went there, THERE IS NOTHING I COULD DO! I have a job, kids and a life here in Kentucky. She is in IOWA.

Today I am at peace that God is calling me to pray for peace and healing for her. I have no obligation to RUN TO THE AIDE of someone who stole so much from me. I haven’t seen or spoke to her in over 2 years aside from a brief visit in Sept 2015 and this is a view of what we arrived to, and the sad part.. She knew we were coming. Imagine being raised in this mess? THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD…

She stole my childhood, my chance at having a mother who REALLY loved me. I don’t even know what a mother is or what a mother does?? I don’t know how a mother is supposed to be. The only way I have seen it is through others, and every time I see it I cry inside. I can’t even grasp what it’s like to have that close relationship with a mother but the closest thing I will ever have is my relationships with my kids and for them I am forever thankful. Minus having a mother, I have done my best to be a good mother to my kids. YES, I’ve made mistakes. A LOT OF THEM. But I’m trying to do better for them than what was done for me and I’m  moving forward and for once I am putting myself and my kids first. My recovery depends on it!!

I have spent the last 4 years working on myself by working the 12 steps over and over and doing so many things to CHANGE my life, for the better. I have made amends to people I hurt and asked for forgiveness as well as extended forgiveness to those who hurt me.  My adoptive mother on the other hand, is never going to change and I’m 100% positive she will die the same way she is. She’s mentally sick, she ruins lives, and her own family says she was born with evil in her body.

I wish things weren’t the way they were but because they are I feel no obligation at this time in my life to go running to my adoptive mother’s aide. I feel if she was ever in a place where she could no longer try to destroy people’s lives I might be able to consider it, meaning the later stages of her life when she is no longer able to manipulate. Perhaps she will be bed ridden, and her memory will be gone? She won’t be able to control her pill addiction, and her memory won’t remember who I even am. Maybe then I would consider it, if God calls me to do that.

For now I will pass and know in my heart of hearts I can only give what I can give and right now all I can give is PRAYER! I am only 11 years into gaining my freedom back from being conditioned for 31 years of my life, and STUCK in a toxic disgusting relationship. I’m not ready to give my life up again for someone that took so much. I’m at peace with this decision. I do feel bad for my kids who have been robbed of a happy healthy grandmother, like I was robbed of a happy healthy mother. It never leaves my mind and I have deep rooted sadness regarding this loss, not only for myself but for my kids.

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For my fellow adoptees that have been in this situation, how did you handle it?

Thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova

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