A Weekend Away

I can write for hours about what the last 6 months of my life has been like. It has truly been the hardest 6 months of my life.

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It was clear to me I needed to take a weekend break away from the internet all together. It was clear I needed to get alone with God and restore some of what I had lost over the last 6 months. I don’t write much about some personal areas of my life but I do generally write about my life being adopted. That is my gift, it is my ministry, it’s been my biggest hurt in life. So that is what I write about. That doesn’t mean I don’t have other struggles, strengths, and hopes!

This past week I felt myself slowly sinking on a ship to NOWHERE! 

God put it on my heart to take a break from the internet! 

ALL OF IT!

I didn’t even go anywhere! I just stayed off the internet!

I’m so glad I was obedient to what God was telling me to do! 

It actually felt like a mini vacation not being pulled in 100 different directions which is what the internet seems to do these days. I am praying about whether I’m doing too much or whether I just needed a break to recoup.

My break really helped.IMG_20160215_084337

I know my fellow adoptees can relate to the heaviness we can sometimes feel regarding our adoption experiences. It seems the emotions, situations, and triggers come in waves. We never know when they are going to come, and we never know how sever they are or how high the wave might be. I wish it would all just go away, but so far I’m still working on finding out my truth so I can once and for all accept it and move forward with my life. Being stuck in limbo is no fun. Learning to ride the waves is the key, and keeping my eyes focused on God is a huge part of being able to do this.

Aside from my adoptee issues, what happens when regular life issues come and they come all at once or around the same time? We have no choice but to be strong, stronger than anyone can imagine. When life tries to knock us down, we have to make the choice to be STRONG and get back up and keep moving forward. Sometimes that means evaluating people, places and things we have in our lives or around us that are bringing us down and letting them go.

It’s not easy to let people go, but for our own peace of mind it’s critical. How can we heal from our adoptee experiences with negative situations around us? How do we even live life with negative or toxic people around us?

It’s impossible!

I’m on a healing journey and have been for over 4 years now. I have eliminated toxic people and worked really hard at not being a toxic person. It’s been critical that I really evaluate relationships in my life and gain an understanding if they are helping me or hurting me? This change hasn’t happened overnight. It’s taken a lot of dedication, hard work and sacrifice but if I ever wanted my kids and future grandkids to have a better life than what I did, it was essential I start to work on my deep rooted abandonment & rejection issues from my adoption experience. It’s been important to me I don’t continue to keep it a secret of where my pain has come from.

How can we help others if we keep it to ourselves?

How can I help anyone if I don’t take care of myself? 

For some of my readers who aren’t adopted, who simply can’t relate I commend you for reading this far. It means either you are interested in trying to learn or maybe you are a personal friend of mine? Not sure, but glad you are here.  That’s amazing in itself.  I know for most non-adoptees they simply can’t relate because they aren’t adopted but there are people out there who are generally interested in learning. I recently had a non-adoptee comment on comparing my life to theirs, when really there is no comparison. Their story is theirs, and mine is mind. No two stories are alike. I just chose to share my journey with the world, mainly to help my fellow adoptees understand they aren’t alone.

I WAS ALL ALONE!

For me, when life hands me lemons I have had to make the choice to get alone with God and work it on out! Besides my online adoptee community who I adore, there is no one in my real life close to me who can relate to my struggles. If they can, not many of them share or talk about it. I talk about it because I want to heal. I’m not keeping my feelings a secret anymore.

Taking a break from LIFE is sometimes necessary. Taking a break from the internet is a vacation long overdue. I need to do it more.  Cutting toxic people out of our lives is necessary. Not feeling bad about setting boundaries is critical. If you are adopted, you have already lost so much. It’s really important you take time for you to heal and be alone with God. He is where I get my strength and he is my comforter. I don’t get comfort in things of the world.  I get my comfort in the Lord.

With that being said, I’M BACK!

Thank you for being patient with me, supporting me and for reading!

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Adoptee, Addicted to Simplicity

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The older I get the more God has brought many things to my attention that the things of the world that excite most people have no waver on exciting me.

Not in this lifetime anyway.

Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me…

If I could pay for peace of mind regarding my adoption experience do you know I would set up a payment plan and pay it off until my dying days?

Unfortunately, we all know this is a silly thought to have but truth is if there was anything on earth I would love to pay for this would be it! Can you imagine the investment we could all make in our own lives?

The fact of the matter is, when I am 41 years old STILL trying to figure out the truth, still seeking answers, still FIGHTING to seek solace and peace regarding this experience it is one of my biggest goals in life, is to feel peace about being adopted. Sadly, I still don’t have much of my truth yet and have recently found some of what I was told was lies.

When I have spent 41 years fighting for the truth, it seems it has over powered SO MUCH OF MY LIFE that I still have yet to really enjoy LIVING!

I mean how can we live when we are still trying to figure out who we are and where we come from?

I can speak from my experience only, that this life has caused me to REALLY appreciate the SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE that so many people can take for granted.

I follow an adoptive parent on social media and one weekend she spent the entire weekend taking photos of old knickknacks she had around her house that she had collected from her parents, grandparents and great grandparents. It struck a chord with me because I wondered if she knew how valuable even one of those things would be to her adopted children if it was something from their biological families? Did she know most all adoptees are robbed of this simple gift most all non-adoptees get to take part in? Again, it’s not the material value, it’s the sentimental value that each of these things holds.

I can speak for myself that I have nothing from either of my biological families. I have nothing tangible that has no material value or anything that has sentimental value. Pictures mean the WORLD to me, but I have very few of them of my biological family, although I am grateful for the ones I have. So many of my fellow adoptees have none! Letters mean the world to me, but I don’t have any from my biological family. They promised they would write but they never delivered.

Let me also share MEMORIES hold a special place in my heart. I know most people who haven’t been adopted can’t have such an appreciation for memories that I have. The memories lost forever that can never be replaced cause me more sadness than anyone can ever imagine. And I’m sorry; I can’t just get over it and move on. Every time I see someone on social media post pictures with their biological family whether it be grandparents, parents, siblings or whoever it is a trigger for many of us. It is a reminder that we are somewhere between here and there and those memories are lost forever. While most people are grieving long lost family members when they pass, they have memories to cling onto. Not the adoptee. We have deep sadness because we WISH we had those memories.

This has added to me as a person, because my primary love language is QUALITY TIME. My least favorite love language is GIFTS. I think this is a gift in itself because most people that know me know I’m one of the most genuine sincere people they will ever meet. I most definitely won’t use you for your money, and I am clear about what makes me tick.

QUALITY TIME WITH THOSE I LOVE. TALKING TO THOSE I LOVE. MAKING MEMORIES WITH THOSE I LOVE. TAKING PICTURES WITH THOSE I LOVE. – It’s that simple for me!

One of my biggest desires in life is…

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH AND THIS IS SOMETHING I AM STILL FIGHTING FOR.  MOST PEOPLE DESIRE THINGS OF THE WORLD. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY. Nicer cars, nicer houses, nicer electronics, nicer clothes, promotions on their jobs, newer clothes, shoes, watches, and the list could go on. I WOULD SIMPLY BE HAPPY AND BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE IF I HAD ALL THE TRUTH TO MY HISTORY!

I could find myself just as happy living in a one room efficiency apartment as I would a huge 8 bedroom mansion.

WHY?

Because the things I desire money can’t buy!

The sweet gift of being an adoptee who keeps things simple and who enjoys the simplicity life brings is a different aspect that most non-adoptees can’t embrace. I consider that part of this life as a GIFT. I don’t have credit cards. I don’t usually make impulsive decisions with money. I get the same happiness from 1 shirt at Goodwill as I do 1 shirt from Macys. My kids make fun of me, but I don’t care. I am the most humble frugal spirited anyone will ever meet because the most important and valuable things that I could have, that most take for granted have been taken from me.

I haven’t given up on receiving these things. I still have hope!

For my Christian friends who might be reading, yes I believe Jesus paid it ALL! But I also know God wants me to have my truth, and once I obtain the ENTIRE TRUTH regarding my adoption experience I will have that Jesus peace about my entire adoption experience. Today I have Jesus peace in most areas of my life! This just happens to be the area shaded with secrecy and lies. Let’s face it, we can’t give it to JESUS unless we know what we are giving to Him! It’s kinda hard to hand him a question mark??!!! Have you ever thought about that? You can’t possibly thing I would be choosing heartache and pain for peace of mind if it were that simple? God is TRUTH and I know he wants ALL ADOPTEES TO HAVE THEIR TRUTH! Why are so many people in adoption standing in the way and supporting half truths?

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While I continue on my journey of seeking my TRUTH, I enjoy things that are free. Being outside, being alone with God, listening to worship music, reading my bible, writing, journaling, blogging and reaching out to my fellow adoptees, supporting them in their journeys, being on board for adoptee rights. I enjoy helping hurting people, I enjoy the sky and going to coffee shops, parks, thrift shops, garage sales, bon fires. I love eliminating all negative and toxic people, places and things out of my life. I love plants and colors. I love that I can control that aspect of my life, when so much has been uncontrollable. I love growing in my relationship with God, and my church family. I love spending time with my kids, and my adoptive family who I have relationships with. I love my career of caring for elderly, and find it a major gift in my life. So you see there is more to me than being adopted but this is what God has called me to write about so my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once felt.

If anyone comes into my life and tries to disrupt the peace I do have I have no choice to eliminate them. Because I have no time for relationships or people who do nothing but drain the life out of me. It’s taken me 41 years to get to be where I am. By God’s grace I am able to see the beauty in so many areas but I am still fighting for my TRUTH! I have no time or energy for toxic people! 

I’m wondering if any of my fellow adoptees can relate to anything I have shared in this post. What brings you happiness? What brings you peace of mind? What are you fighting for most people would take for granted?

Thanks for reading and for all your support! ❤

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The Waiting Game Lasts a Lifetime for Adoptees

I guess when you spend 41 years waiting on a piece of mail from your biological parents, waiting on an Catholic Priest to deliver DNA results should be a cake walk?

I’m 41 and I’m still waiting…

Which means I haven’t given up yet!

I am extremely thankful for Father Felix and his desire to have the willingness to help in this matter. I can’t even imagine how he is handling this or approaching it. All I know is he has ALL the information and God has him on an assignment. I am nervous. This is my last shot at ever having a chance at any of my biological family acknowledging me. With DNA proof they have 2 options. They either accept me and acknowledge me or they don’t. I can imagine it might take some time, but hasn’t enough time already been lost?

IMG_20160204_073344It reminds me of spending so much time waiting on my birth mother to keep her word in writing me. I spent over 20 years checking the mail and anticipating her letters and pictures. I wanted to read her feelings, see her hand writing, see a photo of her. In 1994 when I found her she PROMISED me she would write me. I wrote her. Would I be wrong for having a resentment about having to check the mail every day and being disappointed when I open the box and there never has and never will be anything from my biological mother or father? They have known my address but they had no desire to have a relationship with me but I still always had hope one day I would open the mailbox and get a letter from them. Sadly, every time I check the mail I still get disappointed.

Waiting, Waiting and more Waiting…

Praying, Praying & more Praying…

Adoptees, Never give up hope in finding your family & seeking your TRUTH! 

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