You Can’t Heal A Wound By Denying It’s There…

I want to share a little about my recovery journey. As you already know my blog and writing are all a part of healing for me. I made a vow to blog more in 2014. I really find this is a safe place, and I can get my feelings out and no one can interrupt me or tell me how to feel. Why didn’t I discover this earlier? I might not have had so many emotions and feelings built up and they came out in other ways like anger, resentments, and rage, confusion, low self-esteem, etc.
I always say I’m in recovery from LIFE. What this means is that all life’s experiences have made me into the person I am today. I will say all the way back to being in my birth mother’s womb and being given away to strangers after I was 4 days old. This is part of me, it’s my history. I want to write about it because it’s mine to write. It’s the truth. I heard an adoptive mom say recently “You should never say “Given UP”; you should say “Given a Better Life”. This frustrated me a bit, because you can’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t say. What I say is based on what I feel and what I feel is based on my experience. Who is to say I had a “BETTER LIFE” anyway? I believe that’s the stereotypical statement that most people are lead to believe. That’s what the adoption industry want’s you to believe. “ADOPTION IS BETTER”. I have news for you, many adoptive families are FULL of dysfunction and have homes that aren’t fit for anyone to live in, let alone a child that has been paid for at a very hefty price. A price that’s based on LOSS all the way across the board.  I have always felt like I was abandoned at birth, because I was. My birth mother gave birth to me, and left the hospital and left me there. I was placed 4 days later by strangers. People I didn’t know.  This is abandonment. Whatever her intentions were she still gave up every right to parent me, and gave me away. I don’t care what anyone says, this is abandonment. This is where it all started for me.
It’s been proven that adopted kids separated from their mothers for any reason or kids separated from their birth mothers at the beginning of life endure a trauma. When a trauma occurs and it’s not grieved or tended too in the proper way, it will come at other stages of life. To ignore the trauma only adds pain to that trauma. When a child is adopted or separated from their mother the beginning of life this needs proper grieving at the right age so the adoptee or child can heal in the proper way. This might seem foreign to some people. But take it from an adoptee that turned to drugs, alcohol, sex and violence, anger and rage 27 years of my 39 years of life. I have been living in VICTORY for almost 17 months. I’ve been in recovery from abandonment & rejection issues for 17 months. I’ve been sober for 17 months and during this time, I have been able to uncover what has been covered my whole life. That’s its okay to grieve the loss of my first family. Its okay to cry about the family I never grew up with. It’s okay to grieve the fact that my birth mother didn’t want to parent me. It’s okay at 39 years old to feel abandoned and rejected by the two people who should love me the most, my birth parents. It’s okay to feel the way I do and not have anyone else tell me how I should feel.  Do I feel like an idiot sometimes grieving something some people don’t even comprehend? Sometimes, but unless you have been left at the hospital by the woman that gave you life you will never understand how we, the adoptees feel. It’s been the biggest heartache of my entire life.
What do I think can be changed for future adoptees and those who have been adopted at the present time? I think that allowing the adopted child, or child who has been separated from his or her mother to grieve and encouraging them to grieve is a great way to start. This can’t be done by living in the “Fog” about what is really going on. Adoptive parents need to come out of the fog, and accept the truth about their adoptive child. As hard as it may be, read what adult adoptees are writing. Learn from them. We aren’t sharing our experiences for them to be kept in silence. Ask questions, and have an open mind. At 39 I’m grieving the biggest loss of my life, and that’s my first family. Until you grieve that loss it will always be an open wound deep down and it will never heal until grieving that loss takes place. Healing is possible but it will never happen by denying the issue is there.
In my recovery journey and giving up all substances and giving my life to God, I have learned that it’s not an easy journey. But I didn’t want to keep living with the pain from my past any longer. I feel all adoptees need to grieve their losses in order to live a healthy productive life. For some adoptees, they don’t feel they have any adoptee issues. That’s wonderful but certain things in life can trigger these issues, and they may very well come out at some point. My adoption issues have had an impact on every aspect of my life. The way I raise my kids, my relationships, bonding with people, letting people close to me, my work, my self-esteem, my happiness, and the list could go on and on.
I believe that God uses our pain for his gain. We each have a journey and we are called to share our experiences with the world. We have to share our struggles so they can help someone else heal. That’s what my blog is about. Maybe that’s what my journey is all about?
Healing is possible, but denying the problem or issue exists will never benefit the adoptee or the child separated from their mother.
Thanks for reading.

Adult Adoptee Support Group-Lexington, KY

I have thought so many times about finding an adoptee support group in my area, but there is none.
This is no good. I have done so much healing just by being in contact with other adoptees online, and via my blog and twitter. What about those that don’t know about those things? What about those that are just as confused as ever with their adoption feelings but they don’t know where to begin with the healing process? Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a place to go to be able to share those things, and meet and fellowship with other adult adoptees? I sure think it would be
If anyone would be interested in participating in a support group for Adult Adoptees in Lexington, KY please email your information to:

Revelation ESV 21:4
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

When I look in the mirror who do I see…

I think its safe to say that my whole life I never knew who I was, so when I looked in the mirror all I saw was someone that was lost, and didn’t have an identity because I didn’t have any idea who I looked like or who I was. This had some lifelong affects for me.

Now that I’m 37 years old, and I have completed my search and found my biological family I can tell you who I see when I look in the mirror. My birth father. We have some major similarities. When I see myself he is who I see. Everyday when I look in the mirror I think of him. Crazy how that works!

Now that my biological father has rejected me, it makes me sad to know that my own blood wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know if that’s something that I will just “Get over”.  But one thing I can rejoice on is now I know who I look like. I got to meet my biological father face to face two times. Some people go a lifetime never knowing, and never seeing the faces of those who created them. I don’t know what I would do if I never completed my puzzle. I know how I felt all those years not knowing, and now that I know who I am I feel at peace with that area. I’m so beyond thankful that God has made it all possible.

Now being able to talk about my feelings with being an adoptee I find it a healing tool and I feel like I have to share my adoption journey with others. God put these things in our lives for a reason, and we must share our experiences because I feel that’s what God intends for us all.

Of all the things I have been through, I am now learning that being given away at birth has had the most lifelong effects on me than anything else. When I started the healing process, I started working on feelings that went along with childhood sexual abuse brought on by a step brother. Then it went into being in abusive relationships my whole life, until I was 31.. Then I started working on my adoption and the issues I have had with being adopted. In the last 6-8 months I have been working on the root of some emotional issues I have carried around an entire lifetime, and I can honestly say I have never felt more FREE than I do today.  Who gets the credit? God. It’s as simple as that. He has given me the strength and courage to conquer each thing one by one. God has put certain people in my life to help me realize my true worth as well. Some situations harder than others, but each and every one I have learned so much from.

So now when I look in the mirror I know who I see. I love the person I am, and I know that no matter what happens in my life that my past is just that, my past. God doesn’t judge us by our past, so why should we judge ourselves or worry about what others think of us?

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?