She Loved You So Much…

It has been more and more on my mind that my birth Fathers rights were taken from my biological father and this is the reason he knew nothing about me until I was 37 years old. This has had a major impact on my life.
  The first and last time I met my biological mother, I asked her about my birth father. Her words were “He knew nothing about you and he wouldn’t want too.” I wonder why I couldn’t just take her word for it. I always believed  my birth mother “Loved me so much” because I was told this over and over again growing up. Hearing these words contradicted her actions. She shut me out after meeting just one time and wanted nothing to do with me after. What this has lead me to believe is that she truly didn’t love me at all. I honestly feel like it always made my adoptive mother feel better saying that because she wanted to make me feel better as well as society in general. In all honesty this only made my pain worse. I will never understand how you love something and hand it over to strangers. I can’t comprehend that. I don’t believe it. When my birth mother shut me out this was heart wrenching to me because I will never understand how a mother does that to their child. My heart will always have a missing piece, and I’m finally able to emotionally deal with this as an adult because I don’t have society and my adoptive parents telling me how to feel. I’m able to express my own feelings.
Thinking about my birth father and only getting to meet him two times, so many emotions come to mind. He too has shut me out, and this has also left me heart broken. I can’t help but wonder about how things might have been different if times were different and adoption laws in earlier years acknowledged the birth father as having parental rights. Would he have wanted to keep me? Based on his current actions maybe my birth mother was right? I know he was married at the time, and he had a drunken affair with my birth mother. That was the end of the story from what I was told. She was ashamed and he knew nothing about my existence. I have had to accept this is the truth about my conception. I was not planned. I was not created out of love of two people. I was a mistake. This is the truth I know, God planned me. But I needed to truth about my birth parents so I could accept this and move forward at a chance to heal.

WHY WAS THE TRUTH KEPT FROM ME FOR SO LONG? WHY DID I HAVE TO FIGHT AND DISCOVER IT ALONE ON MY OWN? If everyone “Loved” me why didn’t they HELP ME THEN?

If my birth mother kept me chances are I would have ruined a marriage just by simply being born. I feel now after knowing the TRUTH that she made the best decision she knew how but that doesn’t mean she loves me. Her actions after I found her show me otherwise. I think this is what has had me so messed up for so long. She gave me away to strangers and shut me out after I did locate her because I was a reminder of her pain. Of her shame and guilt. Not because she loved me. Love is patient and love is kind. She showed none of that and I have come to a place of acceptance that she didn’t love me at all. She wanted to get rid of her dirty little secret she hid from everyone.

I can’t be mad at my birth father, but I am going to write him one final letter and let him know how I feel. His irresponsible actions still play a major role in my life. He needs to take accountability. I am not holding onto any hope I will even get a reply but at least I am working up enough courage to share with him how I feel.

The adoption industry led my birth mother to believe she was making a selfless decision and the best decision for her baby. In the 70’s unwed mothers were less common than they are today but they increased in years to come. The truth is her shame and guilt for her actions and the stigma of that ear was greater than her love for me. She just wanted to get rid of me. I truly believe she never wanted me to find her or return into her life. The part I was struggling with is HOW SHE LOVED ME SO MUCH but SHE SHUT ME OUT AND REJECTED ME. I kept thinking about it and everyone else around told me she loved me, but she never did. Everyone in society is speaking for her but that is more lies to add to the pile of lies in adoption. Adoptees can’t heal from living a life of lies. I have had to uncover every single detail about MY LIFE ALONE. But the best part is; now I am able to heal because the LIES are exposed and I have found out the TRUTH on my own. God heals. I know this, but you can’t heal living a lie.

Maybe adoptees who had good reunion stories have a different way to look at their experience. But for me, I don’t think anything in life can top the pain from being rejected by your biological mother and father. That’s just the after effects of the original trauma of being separated from my first family at the beginning of life. Then another aspect is being raised in an abusive home that was not a better life. With adoption no one can promise a better anything. You can’t heal unless you know the truth!

Have you been lied too about your adoption? Were your biological father’s rights considered? How has this impacted you? What ways have you been able to heal?

The Adoptee Pendant

I can’t even begin to express  my excitement about Tracy Hammond making this beautiful pendant for adoptees.

I was blessed to say that I was one of the first to purchase this as a 20 limited edition collection. Since making these Tracy has had an overwhelming amount of responses of adoptees and birth mothers requesting for her to make more.

This pendant symbolizes so much. Finally. I have seen “Adoption” pendants so many times over the years. Adoption symbols, and none of them fit my feelings about my journey. I believe there is a triangle with a heart in it, symbolizing that adoption is based on the “Triad” where there are 3 equal sides. That’s the birth family, the adoptive family and the adoptee. This symbol doesn’t not fit me or my experience. Nothing about the adoptee’s loss is EQUAL to the adoptive parents. We loose an entire family, and for me (and many other adoptees) that leaves us feeling broken in many ways. Tracy mentioned being “Beautiful inside and out BUT broken”. This describes it perfectly. This is reality, and the truth about what my adoption experience has brought me.

Some people have mentioned us focusing on the negative, but let me just say. The REALITY is, it is a negative experience for so many of us. Why should we have to continue to hide our true feelings about how we feel? If someone lost their entire family in a tragic car wreck and they wore this necklace as a symbol of the family they lost, and their heart being broken because of it, I believe no one would give them any static about wearing this necklace. It’s the same for adoptees. This doesn’t mean we are pondering or focused on the “Negative”. For me it means that I have stepped out of denial, and the guilt that my adoptive parents have made me feel for having any feelings about my first family. I have come to terms that my adoption TRUTH is this very damaged tainted, broken heart. That is the TRUTH.

It’s important to know that you can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there. When we have been told our whole lives to be grateful and our right to express love for our first families has been taken from us. How do you think we will feel? BROKEN. I am feeling an extreme sense of loss today more than ever. Why? Because I’m finally grown up, and an adult who has developed my own feelings, and it’s clear to me that I’m just now grieving my loss because my adoptors denied me that right. I have forgiven them. But I hope for future adoptive parents they can learn by reading books, blogs, adoptee journeys that the way adoption has been handled in the past is just that, a thing of the past. You will destroy your adoptive children if you deny them the right to grieve their losses of their first families. You will destroy them if you keep secrets from them. You will destroy them if you speak negatively of their first family. There is so much more, but TODAY I’m totally ecstatic that I finally have something that represents an outward expression of how my adoption has impacted me.

Tracy Hammond, I will always be grateful for you and your creativity in this pendant. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for sharing this with adoptees. It means so much.

Thanks for reading!