Pam, great job!!!! Your blog looks great! I have said it before but i will say it again, finding you on Twitter, reading your story, then becoming your friend, and more changed my life!!!! You dragged me kicking and screaming to adress my life, past, & my pain. You not only have been on a journy, you help me and i know countless others begin and take our own journy in recovery!!!! I know i feel like i have seen you from early on bloom and grow into a person who helps people daily and has set up places where people connect, get help, & help others. Keep up the wonderful ministry you have through your blogg, Twitter, Facebook, and by being you!!!! What you have done is Nothing Short of Spimly Amazing!!!! Hugs! Love you girl!
Colt- Thank you so much! You are AMAZING! You have been my awesome far-a-way fellow adoptee friend for many years now. I remember you saying, “By my adoption is different. I was adopted within the family, I know who my people are denied knowing any of their history.” Sort of dismissing any pain you may feel compared to other adoptees who know nothing. I remember we talked and talked about how the ORIGINAL TRAUMA of being separated from your birth mother was still there, and that TRAUMA is very real, and your abandonment & rejection issues stemming from that trauma are no LESS just because you were adopted by family! Your pain is REAL, and it seems after you were able to grasp that you began to heal yourself. We have ALWAYS understood one another, and we have that gifted ADOPTEE LANGUAGE that’s so rare these days. You are my buddy FOR LIFE and I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do in your life for the future. It was just 2-3 years ago we had big talks about God sending you a woman just perfect for you.. Now look… LOOK! You hung on, never gave up hope and BAM………… You will be engaged soon! I couldn’t be happier for you and I cherish our friendship! Thanks for being an amazing friend! I LOVE YOU! – Pamela J.
I found your blog today after someone posted an article you wrote on an adoptee FB page. Wow, scary how much I can relate as an adoptee. Crying as I am going through some of your posts that I could have written. Thank you for writing so honestly. I am sure there are many more adoptees who can relate as well. You articulate what I feel so well.
I love your name. The spelling of it is BEAUTIFUL! 😀
SO glad you found my blog and you are able to relate to so much. That’s the reason I write and share my feelings. I know it means so much when you FINALLY find someone in your life that can say “I UNDERSTAND, I’VE BEEN THROUGH THAT!”. It makes a world of difference when we are told to feel a certain way growing up.
I have realized that once I finally found my root issues, and my adoptee voice and I’m able to share my experience it’s brought me the most healing I can imagine. Something about sharing our biggest hurts is one of the ways I feel my pain was worth it. If I can help one adoptee out and know their feelings are NORMAL for a NOT NORMAL situation my pain is worth it.
Have you thought about writing your journey? Are you post reunion? I would love to get to know you better! ❤
I have been reading your blog for a while now. I also use to be on how does it feel to be adopted. Never really wrote a whole lot just every now and then, to concerned with who will see it. I so enjoy your blogs. I always have a hard time expressing myself, which is why I never started blog.writing skills suck to. So I hope you continue to write. Ann
So glad you came across my blog. I recommend many adoptees to create a pen name, an anonymous name so you can write and share your feelings freely. You deserve to be heard! Your feelings are important and YOU matter! Maybe think about it… I would love to follow you!
Let me share something I never share with anyone. Most people in my life who are close to me don’t even know. . I have a severe reading disorder, and this went undetected my entire life. When I was reconnected with my biological family (my brother) he shared with me his struggles and it was awe striking to me because I too had the same exact struggle in school. I have dyslexia with math also. This was so difficult to struggle thru school because no one knew my struggle. I hid it from everyone but my grades suffered big time. I always hated school and dropped out of regular school in 9th grade and went to an alternative school. It was easier to skate by that way… I’m sharing this because even when you feel like you aren’t the best writer you can still share your feelings and be empowered by doing it! I have an extremely difficult time reading and retaining what I read but I can write and share my feelings easier. But I FEELS like my writing is more “basic” than most peoples, because I didn’t develope in alot of areas like some people did. God is still using me and he’s going to use you too!! Please think about writing. I would love to follow your blog if you set one up!
Many blessings and remember you are never alone! 😄😚
Tracy, Thank you so much! It’s been a long hard journey! I give God the glory, and NOW I am able to be more effective in reaching out to other adoptees. At least I can share what has worked for me and let them know they aren’t alone! If I didn’t make it to this point, my efforts would be less effective. PRAISE JESUS! So happy you are here! XOXO ❤
Hello Pamela,
I just finished listening to your story on Adoptees On and I was very moved by it. My fiancee is adopted and his journey is somewhat similar to yours. He also had a mentally ill adoptive mother and it was not a happy upbringing. Like you, he was close to his adoptive father. His mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she would fly into rages and beat my fiancee and his adoptive siblings, screaming a la Mommie Dearest. He was the black sheep and her prime target. I liked your reflections about church and religion and adoption. His parents were very prominent in the Catholic Church and his mother paraded the children around to elicit admiration from others – “Look at what a saintly adoptive mother I am with all these abandoned children.” Meanwhile the multiple adoptions were permitted by Catholic Social Services in spite of the clear evidence of child abuse. The first baby they adopted died under suspicious circumstances. She was very violent with the children.
Like you, my fiancee endured a lifelong struggle with addiction. His problem substance was drugs. The years of childhood abuse and unresolved adoption issues caught up with him in spite of his high IQ and many achievements. He has CPTSD and has struggled with anxiety and depression for years.
We are also Christians and truly the Hand of God was involved in our relationship. I met my fiancee in church after Mass one day. Eventually I became his “search angel” of sorts and I helped him to find his birth parents and family. He has reunited with his birth mother and some of her family. Like your mother, she struggles with alcohol and mental health issues I believe partly due to the shame and trauma of the adoption. So far, the person we believe to be his birth father is denying and rejecting, along with the family on that side.
Your message of hope and healing for adoptees through Christ was such an inspiration. I plan to share your interview with my fiancee. God bless you and your important work.
So honored you were able to tune into the Adoptees On interview via the podcast.
My heart aches for you and your husband. I know it’s no easy walk for either of you. Our journeys sound so similar its crazy! WOW WOW WOW! And all the way down to his birth father and his struggle with substances is similar. I know his pain all too well, and for me alcohol/drugs only prolonged my healing just like the denial of the real true “Primal Wound” & Trauma that adoption inflicts. I honestly had to figure it all out on my own and via my fellow adoptees who encouraged me and pushed me along the way. They validated my very real feelings and it changed everything for me. Unfortunately my experience with the church only left me feeling like I did something “wrong” because God wasn’t healing my broken heart, etc. I walked away from the church for many reasons, but their views on adoption is one of them. I have not walked away from God, but I did experience a major level of freedom and healing walking away. I don’t recommend that, and my situation is unique and extremely complicated but I got tired of people labeling me as the “Angry adoptee who just had a bad experience!” I felt like I was alone there too and I’ve felt that way my entire life. Anyway, not to get onto that tangent! LOL But please let me know if I can do anything for you or your husband. I don’t know what it’s like to be married to an adoptee but I always say we come with “Special Needs” and I’ve found most of the time the psychologists and therapists aren’t even aware of what they all are. ITS SO COMPLICATED! But I’m here if you ever need to talk! Email pamelakaranova@gmail.com and of course you can reach out to me via my blog. Please let me know how your husband responds to the interview. Is he living in recovery now? ❤ Hugs and blessings to you! Ty for your kind words! These type of messages are the reason I keep writing and sharing! ❤
Hope you are well, i came across your blog and love it!
I have started my own blog in search to find my birth parents.
My blog is http://www.twopagespending.com
I was wondering if you were interested in doing a post for my blog. A piece about your story and a summary of your journey. So people that might be interested from my blog might choose to come over and follow your story.
Hi Sara,
So glad you found my blog and have enjoyed it. I always love to hear that!
Thank you for this message. I would love to add your blog to my all adoptee blog roll if possible? Let me know when you can. It will be featured on my blog.
I would love to do a piece for you rblog. It might take me a bit but I will get it to you over the next few weeks. I would love to write something new. 🙂 We will be in touch and CONGRATULATIONS on starting your own blog. Hopefully you will find it a healing space! Blessings, ❤ P.K
I’m a first mom who found my daughter and reached out shortly after her 18th birthday. Even as I am SO GRATEFUL every second of the day that we are now in reunion, the truth of what my choice to be a “hero” by placing her with a family that I knew nothing about, sanctioned by two churches halfway across the country from each other has meant, has catapulted me into a near-constant search for information about adoption. I’m doing the research now about the adoption industry that I should have done 19 years ago. I’m also devouring adoptee perspectives just as fast as I can find them (lots via twitter – like I found you!) in order to better know my daughter. I wish this information was available to me then. I can only now try to do the best I can to meet whatever needs my daughter might have of me from now on. Thank you for being a part of what is *hopefully* making me better by sharing your experiences.
So glad you are in reunion with your daughter. That’s music to my ears. I think it’s wonderful you have the willingness to seek insight from adoptees perspectives. This is a huge deal. It’s interesting because I can take my mind back to being your daughters age, and I knew I had all these issues but I had absolutely no one validating my feelings or anyone to share they with to try to connect the dots. The reason I’m sharing is because it is very possible that as you read and learn you might begin to understand things your daughter hasn’t even scratched the surface on yet. It will allow you to help her and better understand her as she gets older. 🙂 I commend you for having that willingness, it’s far and few between in the adoption industry. For some reason we (adoptees) are treated like perpetual children and silenced in most situations which is very sad because we hold a lot of wealth and knowledge. Your daughter is lucky to have you, vice versa.
Reunion can be emotional so be easy on yourself. Hugs! ❤
Pam, Thanx for putting together this web site. It helps more than you know. God is using you to reach and help others in this situation. I am also a product of a closed adoption. Its nice to know there are others that share in this pain. Well maybe nice is not the right word. I have a story to share just I have to get the courage to put it all together. Your blogs help we all have so much in common.
Thank you,
Dave
You are more than welcome. I need to update a few things but it’s all here for you, and my fellow adoptees. At least as time progresses we can all learn we aren’t alone. That in itself is a huge thing for validation.
I totally get what you are saying about it being nice to know there are others who share our experiences, and then feeling weird about saying it because we hate others experience THIS but knowing they do is so validating.
I’m sorry you also experienced a closed adoption. I know first hand how traumatizing and painful that is. I always tell people if we can make it out alive through THIS, we can make it through anything. We are tough cookies! 🙂
I will be praying you get to a place where you can share your story. When I finally came to this place, it’s honestly been the most healing I’ve ever experienced BUT it was extremely hard to get to this place. I mean we are really conditioned at a very early age to NOT SHARE OUR REAL TRUE FEELINGS about how it feels to be adopted. So when our minds have so much going on regarding this topic, making the connection to share them and even make it public can be petrifying at best. It all takes time, and the more adoptee blogs and stories you read the more you heal by knowing you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do, and the way we feel is natural for a not natural situation. After a period of time, you will get stronger in your abilities to share your story! It will happen.
Sending you positive vibes and know you aren’t alone!
Wow, I must say that I am glad to know that I am not alone. Of course there are numerous of adoptees out there but adoptees that gone through the narcissistic abuse especial from the maternal adopted parent. I have gone and still is going through this pain as well and a load of other issues revolving being a adoptee. As needless to say it’s like the adopted parents fault you for them raising you and want you to dedicate your life to them and only them when you did not ask to be adopted by them. On the other hand with the biological parents, you feel that you are at fault for existing or you owe them for carrying their blood in your veins when you did not ask to come to this world. This is what it technically feels like. I will say despite of the toxicity from my adoptive side, I appreciate my upbringing because it could of been a lot worse and on my biological side, despite the toxicity, I was not aborted or thrown in the trash or etc. As an adoptee, I have to realize that rather you are raised by adoptive parents or biological, YOU are not here or obligated to your parents when it comes to your life or to change yourself as a person for their selfishness. You would think that parents regardless of adoptive or biological should love you unconditionally but it is not always the case. I personally believe we are here for GOD’s purpose and that is more than enough. I am stuck between a rock and a hard plate and am working hard to detach from the toxicity right now. I am thankful that you made this community for us adoptees that are emotionally and psychologically or even physical in some cases wombed to have hope and to enlighten non adoptees or others of what it’s like from our perspective.
Thank you so much for your message and kind words. I appreciate it more than you know. These are great words and a gentle reminder of the difference in our journeys we all walk them out. One of my main goals in sharing my journey and life is so that my fellow adoptees such as yourself, might stumble upon my story and learn they (you) aren’t alone. The aloneness that adoption brings is is something none of us have to experience. Adoption is hard enough without that to compact the complexities. Much of what you have shared here has echoed in my life at some point, so thank you for sharing. It’s validating on so many fronts. Many blessings! ❤
Hello,
I recently started to date an adoptee man. I have a psychology background I I am very familiar with the background issues of abused children, having been one, but I honestly had no idea how much people who were adopted were impacted by adoption. After dating for a month, jumped online to do research and I have been absolutely blown away by the silencing of the issue. This is one of the best sites I have spent a lot of time on, reading and reading, stories to understand how the pain has impacted your lives so I can better understand my guy. Thank you for this site, and please keep up the HONEST work. Some pains never heal, you just learn to live with them- that part I understand, so I empathize with you on that. Keep up the great work.
It puzzles me that adoptees are expected to be grateful to their adoptive parents. We generally don’t say that to biological children. Also, I don’t expect an adoptee to tell the first mother “thank you for having me,” just as I don’t expect any children not adopted to say “thank you for having me.” I do think empathy is important — putting oneself in the other person’s place, the other person’s circumstances, and learning about the era in which out-of-wedlock pregnancy was considered the most disgraceful thing that could happen to a family. Prior to the 1980s, paternity could not be proven through DNA. The man could always say the baby wasn’t his. And who could prove otherwise? The pregnant woman wore the scarlet letter, while the man could wash his hands of the entire situation. Nowadays, women are fighting for more equality — and some men aren’t liking it.
You mention the need for validation of feelings. I totally understand!
So blessed to have found your blog. This is a breath of fresh air to read that my feelings are normal. Thank you for speaking up and providing guidance to the adoptee community. Kudos, you are saving lives.
Thank u for this insight… my daughter is 11, adopted from China…. I was to help her find as much peace and guidance as possible …. I know there will be no complete peace- but anything I can help her with- I want to have the tools and guidance…
Thank you so much for your willingness to learn and help her. You have no idea how rare that is coming from an adoptive parent. Thank you so much, and hopefully that will in return help your daughter. 🤍
Hi Parela,
I was delighted to meet you on the Adoptees Connect Cromwell CT zoom call last night. I instantly enjoyed meeting you, hearing your herstory and how you started Adoptees Connect. Finding AC is one of the best discoveries in my life. I never fit in until I met Andy and the rest of the group. Now I know how the magic started. You have another friend in CT!
Thank. You. ❤️ Joyce Davis
Thank you so much for sharing this and you are more than welcome!
I was honored to show up, see you all and to share my story.
Aside from raising my kids, AC is the biggest accomplishment of my life, and I couldn’t be happier that it’s connecting so many adoptees around the world!
Like I shared last night, anytime I see you all together, it reminds me that my pain and life experiences were worth something so significant that’s helpful to the adoptee community. For that, I am forever grateful!
You never know, I might be able to see you all in person one day, because that’s the TRUE heart of AC. Hugs, hugs and lots of hugs. But virtually has definitely been wonderful through COVID!
Sending you much love and gratitude Joyce! Have a wonderful day ahead. And TY again! 🤍🤍🤍
Hi Pamela, I’m a birth father. I was in Vietnam in 1970 when my college sweetheart chose for adoption, and further not to tell me but just break up. I can’t speak for her exactly, but to paraphrase maybe she didn’t really choose. She drifted and by drifting let Catholic Charities Adoption Services call the shots. You’ve have to understand the culture then of unwed motherhood…pre Rowe v Wade, and pre Baby Richard. I learned our son 25 years after the fact when our live paths happen to cross. It took me about 6 months in 1996 to find him. Choosing to search was easy for me, but very stressful for her. Long story….that is both my happiest and my saddest. Thank you for doing all this. Every Tirade of A-Parents, B-Parents, and Adoptees share some common emotions but that said, every person is different and every reunion unique.
Hi Terry, Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I appreciate it. I hate what Catholic Charities has done to so many women, men and children. Some things are unforgivible and they are a prime example! I have done a lot of research on the baby scoop era, and also talked to many birth mothers so I could understand a glimpse of what unwed mothers went through. I also read the girls that went away. It changed my life, and also gave me compassion for the woman that gave me away 47 years ago. I am so glad you found your son!!! And you are welcome. Hopefully I won’t lose my fire, but when and if I do at least I left something hopefully helpful behind. Many thanks for your kind words! – PK
Terry, thank you for sharing your story. Catholic Charities did much harm to so many girls/women. Unwed, pregnant girls were considered “bad”; babies needed to be “saved” from the stain of illegitimacy; adoptive parents were considered “saviors.” The agency refused to put the name of fathers on records, even if the mother insisted. Many lies are in their records. Mothers, looking for their babies, were told there was a fire and records were destroyed. Sometimes, “records were water-logged from a flood.” Catholic Charites did not care about mothers. Catholic Charities was a business! Women “got themselves pregnant.” Surrendering one’s baby seemed to be a form of punishment for one’s “sin.”
This is so sad and so awful! I actually have a list of articles I’m wanting to write this year and one is titled, “Fires, Floods & Water Damage!” I hear this so much, and so do we all. Straight out lies!
Yes. I agree in part, but if Catholic Charities was not around it would have been some other org or orgs doing the same since they only mirrored white society at the time. I have to tell you if it weren’t for a wildly overworked Catholic Charities MSW, who was my case worker, it would have taken much much longer to find my son than what was the case. What surprised me was a physical and personality description of me as b-father included in the files for asist in a-parent selection. We were both Catholics. I was angry with them as perpetrators for a long time. I still smirk and struggle with the church image of Holy Family. Mary was an unwed mother.
This was very hard to read because it holds so much truth. I am feeling the sadness of a mother’s loss. It’s something that can’t be “fixed.” I’m glad you choose to understand the culture existing at the time. Validation of loss is helpful for those of us who lived with the trauma for decades.
Hi Pamela. I am birthfather. My college sweetheart gave birth to our son in 1970, I was in Vietnam flying combat. She chose for adoption…rather Catholic Charities chose for her. Since this was pre- Baby Richard I was kept out of the loop even tho the file had a personal description of me…height, weight, nationality. In 1996 our paths happened to cross and she told me then, adding that his surrender and her inability to tell me one way or the other after the fact was why she chose to breakup when I returned home. This was pre Rowe v Wade too. You would have to know the culture then and stigma of unwed motherhood was completely different from today. So were “shotgun” weddings. Even though we would have likely married, this would have been a real pall over the celebration. It took me 6 months to find him back in 1996. Every reunion is different. While every A-parent, every B-parent, and every adoptee might express or deny some of the common emotions, every tirade and every reunion is going to be different. Thank you for doing all this. Terry
Hello,
I too am an adoptee , I was relinquished in 1953 in S.F., CA. A very closed adoption. I only started struggling my bio roots after the birth of my 1st child in 1978 . So in early 1980’s I was introduced to ALMA , helpful & even b4 computers. Gallop ahead to Hummm 2018, my 2nd born gave me an Ancestory DNA kit & last year 2021 a 1/2 nephew found me !! Yay BUT because of the respect to my parents (Daddy died 2015) my Mom is 92 & lives with me I’ll never share with her ! Her worst fear of me finding…… because I believe adoptive Mother’s (well at least mine) never feel safe from loosing us to the B.M.
So far the I’ve gone from not really being very much Portuguese to being mostly Scottish & Irish ! Talk about an identity crisis ! lol as both of my parents were Portuguese , I threw out my basic white dinnerware & purchased the Castle’s of European dinnerware !! Lol
Bottom line raised an only to now 1 of 7 or 8 1/2 siblings 🥰
Hi Pamela, thank you for gathering and building a community for adoptees! I just found your website and am looking forward to connecting. I keep getting stuck at a certain spot in vulnerability and it always seems to come back to fear of rejection rooted to adoption. I think hearing about others’ experiences could be very healing. The loneliness during the pandemic took this fear of rejection and blew it up like a magnifier into panic about being vulnerable with people, making it hard to build and maintain relationships with family and friends.
I too was born in Lexington, KY and adopted within a month in Louisville. I moved to Oregon after graduate school and during a 23 & me search I learned of half siblings, my birth father, and exposed a secret affair that lasted for several years. How do I build relationships with them? How do I push through the fear of rejection and almost equally, fear of acceptance and moving closer.
I’m looking forward to others’ experiences and journeys to self-love and acceptance.
Hi My name is BarbaraJean. I am an adult adoptee. I am in the process of writing my memoir. Im very scared and excited at the same time. Sometimes the fear overwhelms me. I say things to myself like your story is not important or there are a millions stories out there why would someone read yours? I’m just going to push myself to do it. You have inspired me. Do you have any advice for a first time writer? Anything would help
I just came across your site and its gives encouragement to me to pursue a book or journal i want to write to help adoptees in my country. I am an adoptee with zero knowledge where i have been or who my parents are. a lot has been stolen and hidden from me. I will continue to browse your site to learn more and thank you for being an inspiration.
Hi Lia, So sorry for the delay. It sometimes takes me awhile to respond.
I am so glad you found this space and are able to gain something to take to use for the good! I believe writing and journaling are so healing in a million ways. I am so sorry for your grief, pain, loss and all of the secrecy and lies adoption has caused you! Just remember your feelings are normal for a not normal situation! Nothing is normal about being separated from your biological parents the beginning of life. Sending you lots of love! ❤ PK
Hi Adelaide, So glad you found me! I am now writing more on Substack, but I will still be writing here but anyone who subscribes to my Substack will get access to my articles first. Here’s the link if you might be interested. No pressure at all, and glad to have you here! https://therealadopteamoxie.substack.com/
Pamela Karanova
Pam, great job!!!! Your blog looks great! I have said it before but i will say it again, finding you on Twitter, reading your story, then becoming your friend, and more changed my life!!!! You dragged me kicking and screaming to adress my life, past, & my pain. You not only have been on a journy, you help me and i know countless others begin and take our own journy in recovery!!!! I know i feel like i have seen you from early on bloom and grow into a person who helps people daily and has set up places where people connect, get help, & help others. Keep up the wonderful ministry you have through your blogg, Twitter, Facebook, and by being you!!!! What you have done is Nothing Short of Spimly Amazing!!!! Hugs! Love you girl!
Colt- Thank you so much! You are AMAZING! You have been my awesome far-a-way fellow adoptee friend for many years now. I remember you saying, “By my adoption is different. I was adopted within the family, I know who my people are denied knowing any of their history.” Sort of dismissing any pain you may feel compared to other adoptees who know nothing. I remember we talked and talked about how the ORIGINAL TRAUMA of being separated from your birth mother was still there, and that TRAUMA is very real, and your abandonment & rejection issues stemming from that trauma are no LESS just because you were adopted by family! Your pain is REAL, and it seems after you were able to grasp that you began to heal yourself. We have ALWAYS understood one another, and we have that gifted ADOPTEE LANGUAGE that’s so rare these days. You are my buddy FOR LIFE and I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do in your life for the future. It was just 2-3 years ago we had big talks about God sending you a woman just perfect for you.. Now look… LOOK! You hung on, never gave up hope and BAM………… You will be engaged soon! I couldn’t be happier for you and I cherish our friendship! Thanks for being an amazing friend! I LOVE YOU! – Pamela J.
I found your blog today after someone posted an article you wrote on an adoptee FB page. Wow, scary how much I can relate as an adoptee. Crying as I am going through some of your posts that I could have written. Thank you for writing so honestly. I am sure there are many more adoptees who can relate as well. You articulate what I feel so well.
Danyell,
I love your name. The spelling of it is BEAUTIFUL! 😀
SO glad you found my blog and you are able to relate to so much. That’s the reason I write and share my feelings. I know it means so much when you FINALLY find someone in your life that can say “I UNDERSTAND, I’VE BEEN THROUGH THAT!”. It makes a world of difference when we are told to feel a certain way growing up.
I have realized that once I finally found my root issues, and my adoptee voice and I’m able to share my experience it’s brought me the most healing I can imagine. Something about sharing our biggest hurts is one of the ways I feel my pain was worth it. If I can help one adoptee out and know their feelings are NORMAL for a NOT NORMAL situation my pain is worth it.
Have you thought about writing your journey? Are you post reunion? I would love to get to know you better! ❤
I have been reading your blog for a while now. I also use to be on how does it feel to be adopted. Never really wrote a whole lot just every now and then, to concerned with who will see it. I so enjoy your blogs. I always have a hard time expressing myself, which is why I never started blog.writing skills suck to. So I hope you continue to write. Ann
Ann,
So glad you came across my blog. I recommend many adoptees to create a pen name, an anonymous name so you can write and share your feelings freely. You deserve to be heard! Your feelings are important and YOU matter! Maybe think about it… I would love to follow you!
Let me share something I never share with anyone. Most people in my life who are close to me don’t even know. . I have a severe reading disorder, and this went undetected my entire life. When I was reconnected with my biological family (my brother) he shared with me his struggles and it was awe striking to me because I too had the same exact struggle in school. I have dyslexia with math also. This was so difficult to struggle thru school because no one knew my struggle. I hid it from everyone but my grades suffered big time. I always hated school and dropped out of regular school in 9th grade and went to an alternative school. It was easier to skate by that way… I’m sharing this because even when you feel like you aren’t the best writer you can still share your feelings and be empowered by doing it! I have an extremely difficult time reading and retaining what I read but I can write and share my feelings easier. But I FEELS like my writing is more “basic” than most peoples, because I didn’t develope in alot of areas like some people did. God is still using me and he’s going to use you too!! Please think about writing. I would love to follow your blog if you set one up!
Many blessings and remember you are never alone! 😄😚
Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it. I will let you know if I decide to start one.
I did it I wrotey first post on my own blog. It is under marie15715blog.wordpress.com. yeah for me.
I am Happy for u that u are now at peace with some of the issues that held u angered for so long. Glad to meet u Pamela Karanova
Tracy, Thank you so much! It’s been a long hard journey! I give God the glory, and NOW I am able to be more effective in reaching out to other adoptees. At least I can share what has worked for me and let them know they aren’t alone! If I didn’t make it to this point, my efforts would be less effective. PRAISE JESUS! So happy you are here! XOXO ❤
Hello Pamela,
I just finished listening to your story on Adoptees On and I was very moved by it. My fiancee is adopted and his journey is somewhat similar to yours. He also had a mentally ill adoptive mother and it was not a happy upbringing. Like you, he was close to his adoptive father. His mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she would fly into rages and beat my fiancee and his adoptive siblings, screaming a la Mommie Dearest. He was the black sheep and her prime target. I liked your reflections about church and religion and adoption. His parents were very prominent in the Catholic Church and his mother paraded the children around to elicit admiration from others – “Look at what a saintly adoptive mother I am with all these abandoned children.” Meanwhile the multiple adoptions were permitted by Catholic Social Services in spite of the clear evidence of child abuse. The first baby they adopted died under suspicious circumstances. She was very violent with the children.
Like you, my fiancee endured a lifelong struggle with addiction. His problem substance was drugs. The years of childhood abuse and unresolved adoption issues caught up with him in spite of his high IQ and many achievements. He has CPTSD and has struggled with anxiety and depression for years.
We are also Christians and truly the Hand of God was involved in our relationship. I met my fiancee in church after Mass one day. Eventually I became his “search angel” of sorts and I helped him to find his birth parents and family. He has reunited with his birth mother and some of her family. Like your mother, she struggles with alcohol and mental health issues I believe partly due to the shame and trauma of the adoption. So far, the person we believe to be his birth father is denying and rejecting, along with the family on that side.
Your message of hope and healing for adoptees through Christ was such an inspiration. I plan to share your interview with my fiancee. God bless you and your important work.
Hi Anonymous,
So honored you were able to tune into the Adoptees On interview via the podcast.
My heart aches for you and your husband. I know it’s no easy walk for either of you. Our journeys sound so similar its crazy! WOW WOW WOW! And all the way down to his birth father and his struggle with substances is similar. I know his pain all too well, and for me alcohol/drugs only prolonged my healing just like the denial of the real true “Primal Wound” & Trauma that adoption inflicts. I honestly had to figure it all out on my own and via my fellow adoptees who encouraged me and pushed me along the way. They validated my very real feelings and it changed everything for me. Unfortunately my experience with the church only left me feeling like I did something “wrong” because God wasn’t healing my broken heart, etc. I walked away from the church for many reasons, but their views on adoption is one of them. I have not walked away from God, but I did experience a major level of freedom and healing walking away. I don’t recommend that, and my situation is unique and extremely complicated but I got tired of people labeling me as the “Angry adoptee who just had a bad experience!” I felt like I was alone there too and I’ve felt that way my entire life. Anyway, not to get onto that tangent! LOL But please let me know if I can do anything for you or your husband. I don’t know what it’s like to be married to an adoptee but I always say we come with “Special Needs” and I’ve found most of the time the psychologists and therapists aren’t even aware of what they all are. ITS SO COMPLICATED! But I’m here if you ever need to talk! Email pamelakaranova@gmail.com and of course you can reach out to me via my blog. Please let me know how your husband responds to the interview. Is he living in recovery now? ❤ Hugs and blessings to you! Ty for your kind words! These type of messages are the reason I keep writing and sharing! ❤
Hi Pamela,
Hope you are well, i came across your blog and love it!
I have started my own blog in search to find my birth parents.
My blog is http://www.twopagespending.com
I was wondering if you were interested in doing a post for my blog. A piece about your story and a summary of your journey. So people that might be interested from my blog might choose to come over and follow your story.
My email address is sara.saliba95@gmail.com if you are interested.
Thanks
Sara
Hi Sara,
So glad you found my blog and have enjoyed it. I always love to hear that!
Thank you for this message. I would love to add your blog to my all adoptee blog roll if possible? Let me know when you can. It will be featured on my blog.
I would love to do a piece for you rblog. It might take me a bit but I will get it to you over the next few weeks. I would love to write something new. 🙂 We will be in touch and CONGRATULATIONS on starting your own blog. Hopefully you will find it a healing space! Blessings, ❤ P.K
Hi Pamela!! Yes I would love for my blog to go on your roll. My site is http://twopagespending.com/ can’t wait to chat. Sara xx
Done! You will find it on both pages, http://www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.com AND http://www.adopteeinrecovery.com ❤ HUGS! 😀
I’m a first mom who found my daughter and reached out shortly after her 18th birthday. Even as I am SO GRATEFUL every second of the day that we are now in reunion, the truth of what my choice to be a “hero” by placing her with a family that I knew nothing about, sanctioned by two churches halfway across the country from each other has meant, has catapulted me into a near-constant search for information about adoption. I’m doing the research now about the adoption industry that I should have done 19 years ago. I’m also devouring adoptee perspectives just as fast as I can find them (lots via twitter – like I found you!) in order to better know my daughter. I wish this information was available to me then. I can only now try to do the best I can to meet whatever needs my daughter might have of me from now on. Thank you for being a part of what is *hopefully* making me better by sharing your experiences.
Greetings Rachel,
So glad you are in reunion with your daughter. That’s music to my ears. I think it’s wonderful you have the willingness to seek insight from adoptees perspectives. This is a huge deal. It’s interesting because I can take my mind back to being your daughters age, and I knew I had all these issues but I had absolutely no one validating my feelings or anyone to share they with to try to connect the dots. The reason I’m sharing is because it is very possible that as you read and learn you might begin to understand things your daughter hasn’t even scratched the surface on yet. It will allow you to help her and better understand her as she gets older. 🙂 I commend you for having that willingness, it’s far and few between in the adoption industry. For some reason we (adoptees) are treated like perpetual children and silenced in most situations which is very sad because we hold a lot of wealth and knowledge. Your daughter is lucky to have you, vice versa.
Reunion can be emotional so be easy on yourself. Hugs! ❤
P.S. I have a list of all adoptee blogs on my website. You can find the tab at the top of the page. 😀 Great resource and tool.
Pam, Thanx for putting together this web site. It helps more than you know. God is using you to reach and help others in this situation. I am also a product of a closed adoption. Its nice to know there are others that share in this pain. Well maybe nice is not the right word. I have a story to share just I have to get the courage to put it all together. Your blogs help we all have so much in common.
Thank you,
Dave
Hi Dave,
You are more than welcome. I need to update a few things but it’s all here for you, and my fellow adoptees. At least as time progresses we can all learn we aren’t alone. That in itself is a huge thing for validation.
I totally get what you are saying about it being nice to know there are others who share our experiences, and then feeling weird about saying it because we hate others experience THIS but knowing they do is so validating.
I’m sorry you also experienced a closed adoption. I know first hand how traumatizing and painful that is. I always tell people if we can make it out alive through THIS, we can make it through anything. We are tough cookies! 🙂
I will be praying you get to a place where you can share your story. When I finally came to this place, it’s honestly been the most healing I’ve ever experienced BUT it was extremely hard to get to this place. I mean we are really conditioned at a very early age to NOT SHARE OUR REAL TRUE FEELINGS about how it feels to be adopted. So when our minds have so much going on regarding this topic, making the connection to share them and even make it public can be petrifying at best. It all takes time, and the more adoptee blogs and stories you read the more you heal by knowing you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do, and the way we feel is natural for a not natural situation. After a period of time, you will get stronger in your abilities to share your story! It will happen.
Sending you positive vibes and know you aren’t alone!
Blessings! P
Wow, I must say that I am glad to know that I am not alone. Of course there are numerous of adoptees out there but adoptees that gone through the narcissistic abuse especial from the maternal adopted parent. I have gone and still is going through this pain as well and a load of other issues revolving being a adoptee. As needless to say it’s like the adopted parents fault you for them raising you and want you to dedicate your life to them and only them when you did not ask to be adopted by them. On the other hand with the biological parents, you feel that you are at fault for existing or you owe them for carrying their blood in your veins when you did not ask to come to this world. This is what it technically feels like. I will say despite of the toxicity from my adoptive side, I appreciate my upbringing because it could of been a lot worse and on my biological side, despite the toxicity, I was not aborted or thrown in the trash or etc. As an adoptee, I have to realize that rather you are raised by adoptive parents or biological, YOU are not here or obligated to your parents when it comes to your life or to change yourself as a person for their selfishness. You would think that parents regardless of adoptive or biological should love you unconditionally but it is not always the case. I personally believe we are here for GOD’s purpose and that is more than enough. I am stuck between a rock and a hard plate and am working hard to detach from the toxicity right now. I am thankful that you made this community for us adoptees that are emotionally and psychologically or even physical in some cases wombed to have hope and to enlighten non adoptees or others of what it’s like from our perspective.
Hi Mrs. Moore,
Thank you so much for your message and kind words. I appreciate it more than you know. These are great words and a gentle reminder of the difference in our journeys we all walk them out. One of my main goals in sharing my journey and life is so that my fellow adoptees such as yourself, might stumble upon my story and learn they (you) aren’t alone. The aloneness that adoption brings is is something none of us have to experience. Adoption is hard enough without that to compact the complexities. Much of what you have shared here has echoed in my life at some point, so thank you for sharing. It’s validating on so many fronts. Many blessings! ❤
Hello,
I recently started to date an adoptee man. I have a psychology background I I am very familiar with the background issues of abused children, having been one, but I honestly had no idea how much people who were adopted were impacted by adoption. After dating for a month, jumped online to do research and I have been absolutely blown away by the silencing of the issue. This is one of the best sites I have spent a lot of time on, reading and reading, stories to understand how the pain has impacted your lives so I can better understand my guy. Thank you for this site, and please keep up the HONEST work. Some pains never heal, you just learn to live with them- that part I understand, so I empathize with you on that. Keep up the great work.
It puzzles me that adoptees are expected to be grateful to their adoptive parents. We generally don’t say that to biological children. Also, I don’t expect an adoptee to tell the first mother “thank you for having me,” just as I don’t expect any children not adopted to say “thank you for having me.” I do think empathy is important — putting oneself in the other person’s place, the other person’s circumstances, and learning about the era in which out-of-wedlock pregnancy was considered the most disgraceful thing that could happen to a family. Prior to the 1980s, paternity could not be proven through DNA. The man could always say the baby wasn’t his. And who could prove otherwise? The pregnant woman wore the scarlet letter, while the man could wash his hands of the entire situation. Nowadays, women are fighting for more equality — and some men aren’t liking it.
You mention the need for validation of feelings. I totally understand!
So blessed to have found your blog. This is a breath of fresh air to read that my feelings are normal. Thank you for speaking up and providing guidance to the adoptee community. Kudos, you are saving lives.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it! ❤
Thank u for this insight… my daughter is 11, adopted from China…. I was to help her find as much peace and guidance as possible …. I know there will be no complete peace- but anything I can help her with- I want to have the tools and guidance…
Hi Chris,
Thank you so much for your willingness to learn and help her. You have no idea how rare that is coming from an adoptive parent. Thank you so much, and hopefully that will in return help your daughter. 🤍
Hi Parela,
I was delighted to meet you on the Adoptees Connect Cromwell CT zoom call last night. I instantly enjoyed meeting you, hearing your herstory and how you started Adoptees Connect. Finding AC is one of the best discoveries in my life. I never fit in until I met Andy and the rest of the group. Now I know how the magic started. You have another friend in CT!
Thank. You. ❤️ Joyce Davis
Hi Joyce,
Thank you so much for sharing this and you are more than welcome!
I was honored to show up, see you all and to share my story.
Aside from raising my kids, AC is the biggest accomplishment of my life, and I couldn’t be happier that it’s connecting so many adoptees around the world!
Like I shared last night, anytime I see you all together, it reminds me that my pain and life experiences were worth something so significant that’s helpful to the adoptee community. For that, I am forever grateful!
You never know, I might be able to see you all in person one day, because that’s the TRUE heart of AC. Hugs, hugs and lots of hugs. But virtually has definitely been wonderful through COVID!
Sending you much love and gratitude Joyce! Have a wonderful day ahead. And TY again! 🤍🤍🤍
Hi Pamela, I’m a birth father. I was in Vietnam in 1970 when my college sweetheart chose for adoption, and further not to tell me but just break up. I can’t speak for her exactly, but to paraphrase maybe she didn’t really choose. She drifted and by drifting let Catholic Charities Adoption Services call the shots. You’ve have to understand the culture then of unwed motherhood…pre Rowe v Wade, and pre Baby Richard. I learned our son 25 years after the fact when our live paths happen to cross. It took me about 6 months in 1996 to find him. Choosing to search was easy for me, but very stressful for her. Long story….that is both my happiest and my saddest. Thank you for doing all this. Every Tirade of A-Parents, B-Parents, and Adoptees share some common emotions but that said, every person is different and every reunion unique.
Hi Terry, Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I appreciate it. I hate what Catholic Charities has done to so many women, men and children. Some things are unforgivible and they are a prime example! I have done a lot of research on the baby scoop era, and also talked to many birth mothers so I could understand a glimpse of what unwed mothers went through. I also read the girls that went away. It changed my life, and also gave me compassion for the woman that gave me away 47 years ago. I am so glad you found your son!!! And you are welcome. Hopefully I won’t lose my fire, but when and if I do at least I left something hopefully helpful behind. Many thanks for your kind words! – PK
Hi Pamela, Here’s another chapter. I have a Distinguished Flying Cross for combat in Vietnam. I am a pilot. When I found Rob he was in combat pilot training w/ the USN in the F-18. That’s him photoshopped into an old pilot school photo of me. Jill is in the upper corner. That’s Rob and me post reunion in the lower corner. He was taken aback quite a bit at his A-father’s reaction to this news. Let that sink in a second or two on all members of the Triade. Let’s stay in touch, Terry Here a book for you. If the link doesnt open try “Wake up Little Susie”. https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/wake-up-little-susie-single-pregnancy-and-race-before-roe-v-wade_rickie-solinger/618095/item/11532969/?gclid=CjwKCAjw9LSSBhBsEiwAKtf0n7e6yiBRhCcbX7XLyz9DmShfZbzIIKo7Vx5OXZuSf7LBbnql6OsxoxoCt_UQAvD_BwE#idiq=11532969&edition=3595175
Here is another….The Other Mother…. https://www.amazon.com/Other-Mother-Carol-Schaefer/dp/1468053736
Terry, thank you for sharing your story. Catholic Charities did much harm to so many girls/women. Unwed, pregnant girls were considered “bad”; babies needed to be “saved” from the stain of illegitimacy; adoptive parents were considered “saviors.” The agency refused to put the name of fathers on records, even if the mother insisted. Many lies are in their records. Mothers, looking for their babies, were told there was a fire and records were destroyed. Sometimes, “records were water-logged from a flood.” Catholic Charites did not care about mothers. Catholic Charities was a business! Women “got themselves pregnant.” Surrendering one’s baby seemed to be a form of punishment for one’s “sin.”
This is so sad and so awful! I actually have a list of articles I’m wanting to write this year and one is titled, “Fires, Floods & Water Damage!” I hear this so much, and so do we all. Straight out lies!
Yes. I agree in part, but if Catholic Charities was not around it would have been some other org or orgs doing the same since they only mirrored white society at the time. I have to tell you if it weren’t for a wildly overworked Catholic Charities MSW, who was my case worker, it would have taken much much longer to find my son than what was the case. What surprised me was a physical and personality description of me as b-father included in the files for asist in a-parent selection. We were both Catholics. I was angry with them as perpetrators for a long time. I still smirk and struggle with the church image of Holy Family. Mary was an unwed mother.
This was very hard to read because it holds so much truth. I am feeling the sadness of a mother’s loss. It’s something that can’t be “fixed.” I’m glad you choose to understand the culture existing at the time. Validation of loss is helpful for those of us who lived with the trauma for decades.
Hi Pamela. I am birthfather. My college sweetheart gave birth to our son in 1970, I was in Vietnam flying combat. She chose for adoption…rather Catholic Charities chose for her. Since this was pre- Baby Richard I was kept out of the loop even tho the file had a personal description of me…height, weight, nationality. In 1996 our paths happened to cross and she told me then, adding that his surrender and her inability to tell me one way or the other after the fact was why she chose to breakup when I returned home. This was pre Rowe v Wade too. You would have to know the culture then and stigma of unwed motherhood was completely different from today. So were “shotgun” weddings. Even though we would have likely married, this would have been a real pall over the celebration. It took me 6 months to find him back in 1996. Every reunion is different. While every A-parent, every B-parent, and every adoptee might express or deny some of the common emotions, every tirade and every reunion is going to be different. Thank you for doing all this. Terry
Hello,
I too am an adoptee , I was relinquished in 1953 in S.F., CA. A very closed adoption. I only started struggling my bio roots after the birth of my 1st child in 1978 . So in early 1980’s I was introduced to ALMA , helpful & even b4 computers. Gallop ahead to Hummm 2018, my 2nd born gave me an Ancestory DNA kit & last year 2021 a 1/2 nephew found me !! Yay BUT because of the respect to my parents (Daddy died 2015) my Mom is 92 & lives with me I’ll never share with her ! Her worst fear of me finding…… because I believe adoptive Mother’s (well at least mine) never feel safe from loosing us to the B.M.
So far the I’ve gone from not really being very much Portuguese to being mostly Scottish & Irish ! Talk about an identity crisis ! lol as both of my parents were Portuguese , I threw out my basic white dinnerware & purchased the Castle’s of European dinnerware !! Lol
Bottom line raised an only to now 1 of 7 or 8 1/2 siblings 🥰
Hi Pamela, thank you for gathering and building a community for adoptees! I just found your website and am looking forward to connecting. I keep getting stuck at a certain spot in vulnerability and it always seems to come back to fear of rejection rooted to adoption. I think hearing about others’ experiences could be very healing. The loneliness during the pandemic took this fear of rejection and blew it up like a magnifier into panic about being vulnerable with people, making it hard to build and maintain relationships with family and friends.
I too was born in Lexington, KY and adopted within a month in Louisville. I moved to Oregon after graduate school and during a 23 & me search I learned of half siblings, my birth father, and exposed a secret affair that lasted for several years. How do I build relationships with them? How do I push through the fear of rejection and almost equally, fear of acceptance and moving closer.
I’m looking forward to others’ experiences and journeys to self-love and acceptance.
Apologies, you were born in Iowa & live in KY.
Hi My name is BarbaraJean. I am an adult adoptee. I am in the process of writing my memoir. Im very scared and excited at the same time. Sometimes the fear overwhelms me. I say things to myself like your story is not important or there are a millions stories out there why would someone read yours? I’m just going to push myself to do it. You have inspired me. Do you have any advice for a first time writer? Anything would help
I just came across your site and its gives encouragement to me to pursue a book or journal i want to write to help adoptees in my country. I am an adoptee with zero knowledge where i have been or who my parents are. a lot has been stolen and hidden from me. I will continue to browse your site to learn more and thank you for being an inspiration.
Hi Lia, So sorry for the delay. It sometimes takes me awhile to respond.
I am so glad you found this space and are able to gain something to take to use for the good! I believe writing and journaling are so healing in a million ways. I am so sorry for your grief, pain, loss and all of the secrecy and lies adoption has caused you! Just remember your feelings are normal for a not normal situation! Nothing is normal about being separated from your biological parents the beginning of life. Sending you lots of love! ❤ PK
I found you from the Neurodivergent Adoptee facebook page when they shared one of your articles/comments.
Hi Adelaide, So glad you found me! I am now writing more on Substack, but I will still be writing here but anyone who subscribes to my Substack will get access to my articles first. Here’s the link if you might be interested. No pressure at all, and glad to have you here!
https://therealadopteamoxie.substack.com/