Knowing she was suffering from alcoholism had absolutely no impact on me wanting to meet and know and love my birthmother.
Never for the life of me will I understand why an adoptive parent would share negative things with their adoptive child about their birth families? Why do they do this? From my experience in my journey and hearing other adoptees share their stories it’s almost as if the adoptive parents get some self-satisfaction about sharing some dark points about the biological families in hopes to create a wedge or a negative feelings from the adoptee about their birth families. I find this appalling.
Our birth families are who we are. They are a big part of us and no one can say or do anything to change that. I hear over and over, “But she was addicted to drugs, and she was a prostitute, or she was an alcoholic.” Those things don’t make her our mother any less. I know some adoptees may feel different but for me, I never had a chance to know the woman that gave me life. But after finding her and being reunited with her one time I learned a lot about her. I wish I was given more time to get to know her. I learned from those around and of course my adoptive mom loved to throw it in my face that she was an alcoholic. She would mention this because I was a drinker for 25 years of my life. I drank to escape the pain and heartbreak of my birth mother giving me away. My adopted mom said “You act like she would have given you a better life”.
You know, I really resent that statement to a major degree. Let’s see. Would I have rather had my REAL mother who was an alcoholic OR a FAKE mother that was addicted to prescription pain pills and depressed who battled mental illness my whole life. For me the answer to that is simple. I WOULD HAVE RATHER HAD MY REAL MOTHER! At least she would have been my REAL mother, not some stranger that wanted me for her own selfish reasons. Families have dysfunctions, and families have issues. I fully understand this. But when my adopted mother started speaking negatively about my birth mother it only drew me further away from her. It felt like I had to choose a side. And in the end I was left with nothing. Because it just so happened my birth mother didn’t want me in her life. I struggle with this adoptee battle daily!
I’ve learned to accept these things but it hasn’t been easy. I would like to share that any time an adoptive parent speaks negatively about a birth family member of the child they are raising they are speaking negatively about the child. This has a reflection of the adoptee thinking badly about oneself and starting to feel as if something is wrong with them. Why would any parent want that for their child? If there are traumatic events that happened and they are the reason why the child was separated from their original family there is no reason the child needs to hear that in a demeaning way. They can hear the truth at age appropriate times, but what about speaking love about the first family? Telling that child it’s okay to cry, and grieve because of those reasons. Instead of speaking badly about their very own roots.
It’s not what you say it’s how you say it. Let me make this clear, it was only my adoptive mother that spoke negatively. My adoptive father never said a negative word about anyone. He never talked about it ever.
I will just say I commend all the adoptive parents who have nothing but love for their adoptive child’s first family and don’t speak badly about them or talk down on them. I know there are many out there that don’t do this. For those that do, or for those that are raising adoptive children. I plead with you to please not speak negatively about your child’s first family. This can and will have lasting long term side effects that will damage the child’s inner being and make them feel terrible about themselves. It will not make them feel more grateful they were adopted if those are your intentions. It will only confuse them more. Take it from an adoptee that’s experience this.
Thanks for reading.
Pamela Karanova 
Why do they do it? Because they are jealous, possessive and insecure. Any wedge that can be created due to this childish and cruel behavior is for the sole purpose and satisfaction of the adoptive family; for all loyalty, love and devotion to go to all of them while the natural family gets nothing. In more modern times, I wonder how many adoptive parents met, spent time with and got to know the natural mother before they obtained her infant? How many of them were so sweet to her face, only to turn on her after they got her child so they could demonize and degrade her to her own child? I know one person it happened to personally… ME. I hope many young vulnerable women take heed to the warning of what can and many times does happen after the adoption takes place. There is a “before and after” and they are nothing alike. Before she is a selfless saint. After, insert degrading, derogatory and dehumanizing comments here ______________________________________.
Anonymous, So sorry you have had to experience this. I know sorry can't even compare. I totally agree there is a “before and after” and they are so very different. I know the emotions and feelings I have struggled with my whole life, and still do to this day. I have read books, and gotten insight from many natural mothers and I KNOW that side is just as devastating as ours is. WE BOTH LOOSE! It sucks and I hope as my children grow up, and one day my grand kids are born and they will all know the truth about adoption. As we speak our journeys, and share our feelings people will read. They will listen, they will hear us. Little by little our voices are starting to matter. I can't help but rejoice in that fact that 18 years of being separated from our first families that one day adoptees will gain HOPE to find their roots, heritage, natural mothers, etc. No matter what they were TOLD. I believe alcoholism killed my birth mother and she drank to numb the pain of giving her child up for adoption. No one can ever tell me differently. I believe in she made the choice to “give me a better life” and when she found out my amother was a horrible mother, and my aparents divorced when I was a year it made her feel extremely sad and upset that the life she wanted me to have wasn't better at all. I believe the separation of giving her child up for adoption truly had an impact on her life and after that she was never the same. It's such a mess. My heart goes out to you! ((( Hugs )))
“I believe alcoholism killed my birth mother and she drank to numb the pain of giving her child up for adoption. No one can ever tell me differently.”I believe you, 100%. I self destructed after losing my child and am surprised I am still among the living. After getting my life together and having another child that gave me a reason to live, I awoke from the adoption fog so disgusted and angry at what is done to natural mothers and their children; all so others can gain from that loss. What makes me most angry is that no one cares what we all live through, as long as the baby brokers pockets are lined and the adoptive family is happy. It is a true crime of humanity and it has to stop.Unfortunately, my own child lost to adoption was so brainwashed by his adopters that he believes it was all “god's will”. They had that planned all along too, right after planning to con someone out of their child via lies and false promises. This is one more think I am now enduring, on top of the years spent without my child. I hope many women take heed to the warnings from so many of us who have endured this. DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILD. You are right, however. Our voices are being heard and they are starting to matter. Thanks for speaking out-
I couldn't agree with you more. It has to stop. I will never in my life believe that's it's in “God's Will” to separate mothers and their children. That's so wrong. I believe that there are situation where a child is in danger or an abusive situation where adoption is necessary, but there is a big difference in that and the adoption industry of buying and selling babies. I have a desire to work at a pregnancy crisis center where young unwed mothers may come in the door and I can build them up and express how keeping their babies is the absolute best decision they will ever make. And provide them with the resources to make it. But the flip side is most places like that support adoption and I just can't have a part in that. I believe one day God's going to use me for the good and he already is. Every single chance I get to express my journey people are listening. It's awesome! Blessings and HUGS to you. The pain you must feel is indescribable. I know it's hard for me to describe my feelings but I'm learning how. Do you blog at all? I've found this to be a place of healing! One day your child is going to wake up from the fog, and you will have a chance to share the true side. ❤