I remember it like it was yesterday. My birth mother was avoiding my calls. She lied to me. She didn’t keep her word on reaching out to me, or sending me the letters and pictures she promised. I waited, and waited. Months and months went by and they turned into years. I never received anything from her. She lied to me.
I decided I had nothing to lose by calling her house and asking her to PLEASE tell me who my birth father was. I NEEDED TO KNOW. I NEEDED TO SEE HIS FACE AT LEAST ONE TIME!
The phone rang, and rang… A deep masculine voice picked up, and said “Hello”. I said, “Is Irene there please?” He said, “No she’s not, can I ask who is calling?”… I explained who I was & he let me know who he was. He was my birth mothers current husband. He proceeded to tell me he knew about me, and seemed to be a pretty friendly voice. I took a chance in asking him if he knew who my birth father was.
Some might not agree with this, but from the experience I had with my birth mother rejecting me, I knew this might be my ONLY chance at finding out who my birth father was. I took that chance. I didn’t care about “outing” her or her feelings associated with me going around her to find out who my birth father was. I deserved to know my truth & I was going to find out my truth at all costs.
As I asked the question with high hopes of a name in return. Instead I got, “Yeah, He’s dead!” I said, “He’s dead?” He said, “Yes, your mother told me he died many years ago.”
My heart sank. Was this information true? Was it accurate? Was it right? So I asked, “How did he die? What’s his name? Did he know about me?”
He said, “I don’t know anything but I know he’s dead”.
That was it.
My spirit didn’t sit well with this. If he’s dead, then I want to see his grave stone. I want to see an obituary. I want some proof he’s dead. And even if he’s dead I still might have siblings out there somewhere. Right?
I was told my birth father was dead in 1996.
No matter what I was told, I never gave up hope in finding out my truth. I had to fight the world
it seems this way for my truth. Even if my birth father was dead, I still deserved to know who he was, and where I came from. I needed to complete my puzzle. I needed to be able to look in the mirror and not feel like an empty shell. I needed to know where I came from. I needed to know who I looked like. Even if he was dead, I still needed my answers.
I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE IN GETTING MY ANSWERS BUT IT WAS A LONG LONELY DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO WALK ALONE!
After a 14 year search to receive my truth, on November 10, 2010 I laid eyes on the man that gave me life, my birth father.
I drove to his door in the country of Leon, Iowa and introduced myself. He knew nothing about me. He looked at me and said, “Who’s your mother?”
I explained, he acknowledged the relations they had many years earlier. He told me I had a half-brother, but he isn’t 100% certain he’s his child. They hadn’t had contact in many years. I received his name, and my search to complete my puzzle continued. I found him almost a year to date later. He was the best part of my search and reunion.
HE IS MY BROTHER!
I WAS NEVER GIVING UP HOPE IN FINDING MY FAMILY.
My birth father wasn’t dead. They lied to me. Why did they have to lie to me?
John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free”
Knowing my truth has been the key to my healing, but I resent the fact that so many people lied to me, and stood in the way of me finding my truth.
My adoptive mom lied to me my whole life.
My birth mother lied to me my whole life.
THIS PROLONGED MY HEALING. DO THEY UNDERSTAND THAT?
I RESENT THAT. I RESENT THOSE WHO LIE IN ADOPTION.
I know, I know.. It’s my resentment to have. But I also know that NO CHANGE WILL BE MADE AS LONG AS WE ARE KEPT SILENT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER TO US.
This is why I write. This is why I share my journey. No one, ADOPTED OR NOT should be lied to about their history, or where they come from.
LIES DESTROY. SECRETS DESTROY.
Why all the secrets and lies in adoption?
Because of LIES & SECRETS in adoption, I missed out on my nieces and nephews being born. I missed out on my brother getting married. I missed out on ever spending a Christmas or Thanksgiving with those who are MY DNA. MY BLOOD. I missed out on the relationship with my brother for 37 years of my life. I LOST!
This has hurt me. It has caused me more pain than anyone can imagine. I’ve accepted this lifetime of pain, but I’m having a hard time accepting PEOPLE LYING TO ME are the reason I lost so much of my relationship with my brother. Self-seeking, self-serving PEOPLE.
“Why can’t you just move on and be thankful?”
Because if I could just move on and be thankful I would have done it by now! Instead I’ve had society and those in “adoption” tell me how to feel my whole life, and I should just be thankful.
I’ve LOST & I’ve been LIED to.
Now I’m healing from this experience because society denied me my right to heal my entire life. You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there..
So much has been taken never to return. Maybe I want to share my TRUTH, and if I just “GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON” I will have no story to tell? Future adoptees will never discover their voice, and the lies and secrets will continue on. People will think adoption is the “BEST OPTION” and no adoptees will ever get their history.
What about that?
That’s why I write. That’s why I share. That’s why I speak about how it feels to be adopted.
WE ALL DESERVE TO KNOW OUR HISTORY NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT IS.
If you are someone that’s holding the KEY (answers) to someone’s history and you have kept this vital information from them, WHAT IS YOUR REASON?
Let me say it again, SECRETS AND LIES DESTROY!
Today, I’m in recovery and one of the issues I’m working on is TRUST. It came to my attention that even when my heart wants to trust people, I DON’T TRUST THEM UNTIL THEY PROVE THEIR TRUSTWORTHY!
In relationships people have to earn my trust. If I feel like I’m being lied to it marks my trust for that person. I cannot and will not tolerate people that lie in my life. If people don’t keep their word or lie to me why would I want them in my life? No one wants a lier around them.
If you lie to me I’m done with you. That even means little lies too!
I have a lot of work to do, and admitting our issues is the first step to overcoming them.
All the way back to the beginning, starting with the moment I was born was the minute the lies and secrets started. That’s 40+ years of recovery that’s taking place based on everyone lying to me about my history, my truth.
I DO HAVE HOPE. HEALING IS POSSIBLE.
I would like to share with all the adoptees that may come across my blog, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE IN FINDING YOUR FAMILY. No matter what you are told, never stop searching. Never stop looking for your truth. I’m sorry so many of you have to fight like hell to get what’s rightfully yours.
I’M SO SORRY!
I do “get it”. I understand what that feels like. I understand what it feels like to be lied to by the people who say they love you the most. I understand what this can do long term as adoptees, and the damage it can cause. I’m living proof that we can make it out of this situation stronger. We have a story to tell. We have our truth to discover. We owe it to future generations of adoptees to never stop speaking our truth. We owe it to adoptive parents who just “Don’t get it” but who are trying to understand. We owe it to ourselves to be heard.
I woke up today with this really heavy on my mind. God helps me with what to write about!
They lied to me, and told me my birth father was dead. I know many other adoptees have been lied to in this way. You aren’t alone in how this has made you feel. Today, I’m working on my trust issues, and it’s not easy. This journey isn’t easy.
Discovering our truth is the only way to healing and freedom.
Thanks for reading! Can you relate?
– Pamela Karanova
5 thoughts on “Secrets & Lies: TRUST”
Yes, I too can relate. Lies and secrets DO destroy lives.
In late 2011 (after being reunited with both of my natural parents for over 20 years), I finally came to the realization that the only way I would be able to complete my puzzle was to search on my own for those few missing pieces (my paternal half-siblings…there are four of them). I knew “about” them because during my periodic connections with my natural father, he would openly discuss them by name but refused to tell them about me….you know “the secret” child. He had been long divorced from the mothers of my siblings but his need to save face trumped my need to know about my biological family members.
Probably because I feared losing a connection with him, I put my needs on the back burner, as I mentioned, for over 20 years until I could no longer. I asked one more time if he could/would facilitate introducing me to my brothers and sisters but he refused. So…I embarked on my own to find them. It wasn’t too difficult because I knew from things he’d shared with me their names, general locations where they lived, and a tiny bit of information about their occupations as well.
I am here to share with you that I did indeed find and contact all four of them. I’ll be honest…the relationships have not evolved at all but my hope for that happening is not the only reason I searched. It’s like you wrote about….I/we need our stories. I still hold out hope that one day (maybe after our father passes away) that my brothers and sisters will want to get to know me.
I did lose “the relationship” with my natural father for going against his wishes but when I truly evaluate what we had together….I realize it was a relationship based on his needs and what I brought to the table for his advantage and I’ve grown so tired of those types of relationships (I’ve had many).
I pray for all of us struggling ❤
So glad you can relate to my post but so sorry for all the loss you have encountered. All because we were born, and put into a situation we had no control over. It’s so not fair, but I can say I feel your pain.
It seems our journeys are so similar. Now we are left to pick up the pieces, and move forward with our lives. Do you ever regret searching? I never have. Despite the rejection from my birth parents, I never thought twice about regretting the search. I have always felt the hard core truth is better than secrets and lies any day.
Now we know… So sorry you lost the natural relationship with your father by simply wanting to know your siblings. I will never understand how our own flesh and blood can do something like that.
One thing I keep reminding myself, when I start thinking about my birth father, and our relationship (there is none) is that God has placed so many other people in my life who love me for me, they have accepted me and my children. Some days its so hard, because it’s just not the same. But I know God knows every tear, every area of my heart that’s broken, and I know I was given this life because I’m strong enough to live it. Even when some days it doesn’t feel like I am.
Many blessings and HUGS to you!!!! You aren’t alone!! ❤
Beautifully written in truth! Thank you for sharing.
I understand so well.
To the comment above, the very same thing happened to me with my natural father. We had a close relationship from 2003 til 2012 until I went against his demands not to contact ” his children”. He no longer claims me and is furious that ” his children” speak to me.
Secrets and lies… We try to clean up the messes from our ancestors just to be accepted and loved.
I was adopted because my natural father is of a different race than my natural mother. I was completely unaware of my ethnicity until she told me the truth in 2002. That gave me enough anger to pursue the truth and hate the lies. God Bless you all in your journey and never give up on the value of what others don’t see nor understand in you.
So glad you are able to understand and relate to what I wrote! Thank you for the kind words! ❤
So sorry this happened to you. The pain that this causes is just heartbreaking. So many secrets and lies involved, and that's the exact reason I keep sharing my journey.
What would make someone think its OKAY to cause a wedge between biological siblings? Do they understand how it makes us feel? Maybe I should do a POLL on that question? (Good Idea!, Look on How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Later Today)
I'm so glad your biological mother decided to tell you the truth. We all deserve our truth. I'm so sorry the pain you have had to experience to get your truth. It's like a double edge sword we go through that lingers on and on and on. I understand, and I get it.
I've found speaking about it through writing is healing for me. Do you write at all?
So happy to have you here!!! ❤
My half brother has also been the best part of my adoption reunion. He is the only biological family member so far (I haven’t found my biological father yet) who has accepted me from day one. His unwavering acceptance and love means everything to me. You are correct – it is the insanity of secrets, lies and illusions of adoption that cause so much destruction to the infant everyone claims they are trying to save.