Away, but still processing…

I haven’t written in awhile…

My adoptee emotions have still been going crazy, and I really am doing everything just to make it through another day. No one gets it, no one understands but my fellow adoptees. Many of us share some feelings and it takes everything in us to just make it through it. I find myself retreating away from this “world” because it’s so much to handle on top of LIFE itself.

I’m a Christian, and I live every day trying to be more like Jesus. I’m by far not perfect and I have many flaws! I spend my spare time watching Todd White videos. I LOVE TODD WHITE! If you aren’t familiar you should look him up on YouTube. He’s amazing! I want to learn from him. I have a reading disorder and it’s super hard for me to remember what I read, and retain it (TODD HAS THE SAME THING!) but when I watch or listen to audio it’s easier for me. Todd has a way with words, straight to the point so I listen to him as a way to gain hope and understanding of LIFE & what it’s like to walk like Jesus.

I had a melt down about a week ago. It was actually in front of 2 of my kids. I had a small piece written about me that was uploaded at and even when it was a GOOD THING it sent me into some emotional havoc that I wasn’t expecting. Let me share the link to the article. Then I will share my feelings associated with WHY I had a light weight melt down.

Going my entire life hiding my TRUE feelings to protect those around me, and well…. I was simply groomed that my heartache didn’t matter, but being thankful was in order for losing my first family. So for me to be at a place in life where a journalist was willing to invest in me, and write something on my behalf, and share it with the world.. IT’S A PRETTY BIG DEAL! Yes, it’s small… But it’s all about me. I believe this to be one of the most awesome things I’ve experienced since I’ve come out of the fog regarding my adoption journey.

You may ask, “Why would this be so emotional?”. Do you realize that I had to keep this a secret, hidden from my adoptive parents? Of course my biological parents aren’t in my life but I was deeply saddened that something so close to my heart had to be kept secret for fear of hurting their feelings! Being adopted, we are born into a situation where we are put in the middle, worrying about everyone elses feelings and never being able to share our own. FINALLY I’m able to share my feelings, and they are recognized by a major adoption website, yet I can’t share it with my “Parents”.

I wonder if they saw it how they would feel? I wonder if they would make it about them and their feelings? Would their feelings be hurt? Would they be even a little happy for me? Would they be upset with me?

The truth is, I will never know because I have to keep this “world” private from them. Just because I’m adopted I’m automatically placed into a situation where I’m torn in the middle. Torn in the middle of what? My adoptive family, my biological family & my true self. I wish I could say I fit in with everyone but the best place I feel like I fit in is with my “Family of Choice” , my children & with my newly found biological brother and his family, and of course by myself. What is my Family of Choice? My church family. You have no idea how special they are to me. They’ve bridged the gap between me feeling like I’m all alone on an island & feeling like I belong somewhere. Every day I thank God for what I have, but that doesn’t change what was lost.

I find that retreating away from this “world” gives me time to breathe and process things. I’ve learned to find that balance between this world, and my real world. Isn’t it crazy how we have to live a double life? WOW! It just amazes me sometimes. Shush… We have to keep our feelings a secret for fear of hurting others! Every day I wake up I’m thankful for my truth, as hard as it was to learn it. As disappointed as I was to learn that all I was told my whole life was a lie, and my birth parents really didn’t love me at least now I know the truth. They never did love me. Now, I have trust issues based on being lied to, and It’s next to impossible for me to believe anyone loves me. Thank GOD I’m in Celebrate Recovery working on my issues because I know God has more planned for me in my time on earth!

I know the more I share, the more I speak, the more I’m inspiring someone else to do the same. Writing is SO HEALING for me. I want to start writing more regarding my LIFE in general, in regards to my recovery, and my kids, family and such and tie it in with my adoptee journey. Most of you read and notice there is so much hurt here, but it’s necessary for me to identify the hurt, in order to move forward to heal. Healing is my goal, and I trust GOD so I believe I’m right where I need to be.

Being adopted isn’t for sissies and being in recovery isn’t for sissies. This makes me one strong cookie!!!! (POW)

I love you ALL and thanks for reading my blog!

More to come later! Time to prep for snow storm #2!

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

Frank Ligtvoet, This Post is for YOU!

It’s been on my heart to do this for awhile now, but time has been getting away from me. So today, as I have a little time before church I decided it would be a great time to share a few things.

Frank Ligtvoet, Adoptive Parent

How many of you know who Frank Ligtvoet is?

He’s an adoptive father who has his eyes and ears open to learning how adoptees feel. That’s right. He’s in total support of the adoptee community, and he’s receptive to continued learning because he wants to understand his adoptive child better. This means learning and listening to adult adoptees who have lived with being adopted.

Frank doesn’t make us feel ungrateful. He doesn’t put us down for making us feel the way we do. He acknowledges our pain, and shares our stories with the world.

Do you all know how much this means to the adoptee community?

Frank also supports the other side of the coin, and that’s the biological mothers & fathers who have relinquished children for adoption. Some of them had no choice in giving their babies/children up. Frank wants to hear their voices. Frank wants to learn what could have been done differently. He wants to know what he can do to better assist his adopted child.

Frank is not closed off to the one side of adoption that impacts him the most, and that’s being an adoptive parent. Frank has opened his heart to learning the truth from so many adoptees and first parents, even when that truth is very painful to learn. Not all adoptees have a wonderful story to tell. Not all first parents have a wonderful story to tell. This is the truth. Because of Frank learning how we feel, he’s better equipped to assist his adopted child when the curve balls start coming. How awesome is that? The tools (adult adoptees & first parents) are right at his fingertips and he’s using them to gain a better understanding.

Can you imagine how many adopted children would be impacted if ALL the adoptive parents out there were like Frank?

I just want to say a warm THANK YOU to Frank, for magnifying our voices, for standing by us and for not letting your own fears get in the way of supporting adoptees and first parents all across the globe. You are appreciated! You are loved by this community! And all you do does not go unnoticed!



Does anyone else have anything they would like to say to Frank? I know I’m one of many who appreciates his support! Leave him a message here if you would like.

You can follow Frank: @frank_ligtvoet

Pamela Karanova


What Can Be Done By Society and Our Adopters to Make Our Journeys Not So Painful?

Adult adoptees views are often ignored but we hold a very valuable view because only we know how it feels to be adopted. Adoptee voices are the voices that SHOULD be listened too.

 We’ve lived it & our voices matter.

As a way to help bring awareness on how adoptees feel, I asked them one question in a poll.

“What do adult adoptees feel can be done by society and our adopters to make our journeys not so painful? How can they HELP US?”

Here are over 30 responses.

To all the brave adult adoptees, thank you for sharing your feelings with the world so we can help others understand how it feels to be adopted.

  • Please don’t tell adoptees like me to be grateful and that we should thank our lucky stars that we were “rescued” from a life in an orphanage. Please don’t say we are “hurting” our adopters by seeking the truth of our origins. After being in reunion for 6 years and after a lifetime of lies about my blood ties, I have learned the truth and I realize the lengths to which adopters and adoption trafficker$ will go to procure a newborn. My adopters were (and still are) abusive, self-absorbed alcoholics who only wanted the appearance of normal couple with a child: the perfect family. The RCC helped and continues to help adopters at the expense of the blood family. I have nothing to be grateful for and nothing to feel guilty about. People who use those lines to make adoptees stop looking for and/or having healthy relationships with their natural/bio families are manipulative baby trafficker$ living in a fantasy world. The “As if born to” and “In the best interests of the child” are myths perpetrated to cover up the real motives of these slick business people. Take the money and lies out of the system and it will disappear.
  • I agree with what everyone else says about helping existing adoptees. But going forward I will dare suggest that the best way to help future adoptees is to not create adoptees in the first place. Focus on family preservation. Also, perhaps even offer better/more birth control education and free birth control in high school. If you’re not going to take care of your child, don’t create one. As someone who was very careful and never once had an accidental pregnancy, I really don’t understand how some people can be so careless, especially repeatedly. It’s not fair that the child pays for the irresponsibility of others.
  • There should be provisions in the law to UN-adopt oneself as an adult; especially if there was abuse or they are deceased. Otherwise we feel like slaves. As adults we should have the right to define who is our family when a legal contract was made about us when we were a minor. It is like gay people not allowed to marry. I have a 25 year reunion, both my adopted parents have passed away, but I don’t legally belong to my birth parents. We should have he right to define who is family as an adult. It is the only legal contract as an adult that one cannot get out of. It is a human rights violation. As ‘if born to’ is a big lie.
  • Acknowledge that we suffered a loss.
  • I wrote a book about it and out in public talking and talking to raise awareness…come on….why hide.
  • Don’t make us feel guilty for wanting to know where we come from.
  • Grief and loss needs to be part of the discussion from the start!! most of us are born into grief yet it is ignored. Talking about being adopted cannot be a onetime discussion. Acknowledging adoption is not the same as acknowledging the grief and loss. Adoptees are a special needs population in my opinion and we have different needs than non-adoptees
  • Society can try to acknowledge our pain and loss, and stop telling us we should be thankful we weren’t aborted, and someone took us in when our own families didn’t want us. Help is grieve our losses at an early age, so we aren’t numbing the pain as we grow up with substances, and develop unhealthy ways to cope. We don’t know what to do as children. Read THE PRIMAL WOUND. Get educated and keep reading this page on how we feel.
  • You can’t teach your children not to lie, but expect adoption lies to be okay. Lying is never okay.
  • After a certain age…adoptees should have access to the adoption records…
  • Talk, talk talk. Don’t assume – or expect the child to be first to raise the subject! Too many exclaim ‘she didn’t say anything’ well, you know what? Kids need help to articulate the feelings they have.
  • There needs to be transparency with adoption. Agencies aren’t as open as they should be, and put the BM before the adoptee when it comes to information, the lack of which inhibits closure.
  • The MAIN and most important thing that society can do to help us is to RECOGNIZE that adoption means LOSS, is painful, that it is NOT a win-win arrangement, and that it should be a LAST RESORT.
  • Society needs to recognize the fact that in order to be adopted, we had to lose EVERYTHING, and that our loss and our pain are REAL, even if we don’t remember the adoption process or what happened prior to it.
  • They need to recognize that their attitudes towards adoptees needs to change. We are NOT perpetual children who should never have the right to make our own life decisions, and expectations that we OWE it to our adoptive parents never to search, reunite, and know or embrace our TRUE identities is a form of slavery!
  • They need to stop telling us that we were given up because we were unloved or unwanted, or because our mothers were selfish, or because our mothers loved us so much that they wanted better for us. They DON’T KNOW why any of us were given up, so they need to STOP MAKING IGNORANT ASSUMPTIONS.
  • They need to stop telling us to be grateful. They need to stop telling us that our adoptive parents’ feelings are more important that our happiness. They need to stop telling us that our natural parents’ anonymity is more important that our happiness. They need to stop telling us that we have an obligation to go along with the secrets and lies. They need to stop telling us how they think we should feel.
  • Then, they need to recognize that MOST adoptions are NOT necessary. They need to know how most of us are acquired through coercion, or force, or because our natural mothers were not given enough help to allow them to keep us and how so very few are actually aware of all of their options. And they need to know that we deserve the right to know and embrace our own true identities from the very beginning, regardless of who raises us and regardless of whether or not we have contact with our natural families.Once society realizes and begins to accept that our loss and pain are real. they will also begin to see all the travesties that are done to adoptees, and will begin to see current adoption practices as offensive and barbaric.
  • Awareness of society to not call us special and lucky and tell us we should be grateful towards our adoptive parents because otherwise we would have been homeless without them. This puts such a stigma on us and piles on the guilt if we are experiencing any trauma or troubles with our adoptive families and causes us to feel at fault when we should not be made to feel this way. Better counseling for the birthparents and adoptive parents to make them aware of the identity issues that adoptees go through, perhaps some mandatory reading even before things are final of books that resonate with adoptees such as the primal wound to ensure that they all understand a little more of the perspective of the unborn child who cannot speak for themselves. Meetings with adult adoptees for the birthparents and adoptive parents so that they can hear an adult adoptees perspective as well. In general more education for everyone. Extreme encouragement for more identity type information to be made available as the adoptee grows up and for the birthparents to keep in touch with the adoptive parents and vice versa to help everyone with the trauma that they experience which will also help the birthparents know that their child is ok and healthy and thriving.. Adoptive parents to be implored to not ever put the children in the position to be made to feel like they shouldn’t ask questions or want to search for their origins and birthparents. The adoptive parents should aid the child in their search and put the child’s feelings first, regardless of whether it feels like betrayal to them. The adoptee had no choice in their destiny and they should be allowed to make choices unimpeded and without guilt and shame laid upon them. Support from adoptive parents towards movement of more open records for adoptees rather than the shroud of secrecy and shame that adoption was based on when I was born (1977).
  • Adoptees should have identity rights. We should know our cultural and medical history at time if adoption so we don’t feel like aliens. Adoptive parents need to normalize and facilitate adoption conversations throughout developmental milestones. Be supportive of openness, it makes us feel more loved, that you love everything we belong to, our history, culture, connections; understand our life began before we met you.
  • Open adoptions and acknowledge adoption as a last resort and a sad thing for the child.
  • Please stop treating us like were a piece of property. We aren’t YOURS! We are human beings.
  • Adoptive parents could support us by putting more emphasis on family preservation whenever possible, with the understanding that adoption always has far-reaching consequences that are best avoided. It would ease my mind a lot to see society finally trying to do better for children. As far as how they could help those of us who have already gone through it, just listening and not discounting what we say would be a huge start. Recognize us as the *true* adoption experts and learn from us.
  • Adoptive parents could support us by validating our feelings.
  • I was lied to when I was told by family that I was willingly gave up for adoption, when I was actually a forced adoption. To me that’s a pretty big lie. Adoptive parents can support us by stopping the lies.
  • “I’m so sorry you lost your family’” would have gone a long way. That kind of acknowledgment would have meant so much.
  • Firstly, the “adoption industry” as we know it needs to be abolished. The money needs to be taken out of adoption. A complete overhaul with family preservation as the main focus with adoption being an act of last resort. As a society, if we started to view adoption as a last resort, an option that is painful and fraught with problems and lifelong issues for the adoptee, the nuclear option so to say- i think we could make strides. Instead the adoption industry pushes an agenda of “it’s about love” when in reality that is just a marketing propaganda.
  • Society: open records, which, whether we choose to search or not, gives us the freedom as adults to decide. My biggest annoyance was feeling controlled by society/ adults in general. Feeling made to feel like a worthless child by the law. Adoptive parents: no judging of birth family who may have a diff lifestyle/ set of norms. Being open and honest without being condescending toward us would help us.
  • Get them to therapy for infancy abandonment issues as soon as feasibly possible. It’s the buried trauma that needs to be addressed.
  • Open records, medical records and health history given to adoptee at time of birth. Mandatory parenting classes for the A-parents, as well as for the adoptee. Counseling and support groups etc. should be continued throughout the life o Tell us the truth, as much of it as you know. Accept that we are grieving, we have suffered a loss that you can’t replace. We don’t want replacement parents so much as we need caregivers – especially applicable to older children who can remember our original parents. Give us a safe place to be alone and don’t try to force attachment if we don’t want the adoptee.
  • Adoptive parents need to realize that we’re adopted to be almost as good as a natural born baby & it just isn’t that easy. As soon as you tell the child he/she is adopted that separates the family.
  • Industry/money out of adoption, open records at age 18 at the latest, adoption as a last resort and for the CHILD, not because adopters think they’re entitled to be parents. If we’re wishing big, we need to change society so people don’t feel like they have to have a child. Infertility rates are increasing at an incredible speed. We know there’s already an incredible amount of demand for babies, or even older kids as people get more desperate. That demand is only going to get worse over the next decade plus. I fear we are heading back into baby scoop era theft of children. Only this time they’re using “child protective services” and they’re reaching above the newborn age to try to meet demand.
  • Demand an end to the secrecy and lies in adoption. No person should ever have their name and history removed from them. Ever. If .the want to be adoptive parents knew this going in that would take so much of the pain away/ Then again, the majority of them would not want to adopt thus “orphans” would not be created to meet their demand.
  • Give all of us our Original Birth Certificates (OBC’S) already!!
  • Please stop saying “Love is all we need” & “Love trumps all”. Love is not all we need. We need our history, our OBC, our TRUTH, and acknowledgement of our losses in order to feel WHOLE as a person & to be able to heal and move forward with our lives.

If you are an adoptee and have anything you would like to share or add your voice matters, please email it to:

-Pamela Karanova


Secrets & Lies: TRUST

I remember it like it was yesterday. My birth mother was avoiding my calls. She lied to me. She didn’t keep her word on reaching out to me, or sending me the letters and pictures she promised. I waited, and waited. Months and months went by and they turned into years. I never received anything from her. She lied to me.

I decided I had nothing to lose by calling her house and asking her to PLEASE tell me who my birth father was. I NEEDED TO KNOW. I NEEDED TO SEE HIS FACE AT LEAST ONE TIME!

The phone rang, and rang… A deep masculine voice picked up, and said “Hello”. I said, “Is Irene there please?” He said, “No she’s not, can I ask who is calling?”… I explained who I was & he let me know who he was. He was my birth mothers current husband. He proceeded to tell me he knew about me, and seemed to be a pretty friendly voice. I took a chance in asking him if he knew who my birth father was.

Some might not agree with this, but from the experience I had with my birth mother rejecting me, I knew this might be my ONLY chance at finding out who my birth father was. I took that chance. I didn’t care about “outing” her or her feelings associated with me going around her to find out who my birth father was. I deserved to know my truth & I was going to find out my truth at all costs.

As I asked the question with high hopes of a name in return. Instead I got, “Yeah, He’s dead!” I said, “He’s dead?” He said, “Yes, your mother told me he died many years ago.”

My heart sank. Was this information true? Was it accurate? Was it right? So I asked, “How did he die? What’s his name? Did he know about me?”

He said, “I don’t know anything but I know he’s dead”.

That was it.


My spirit didn’t sit well with this. If he’s dead, then I want to see his grave stone. I want to see an obituary. I want some proof he’s dead. And even if he’s dead I still might have siblings out there somewhere. Right?

I was told my birth father was dead in 1996.

No matter what I was told, I never gave up hope in finding out my truth. I had to fight the world it seems this way for my truth. Even if my birth father was dead, I still deserved to know who he was, and where I came from. I needed to complete my puzzle. I needed to be able to look in the mirror and not feel like an empty shell. I needed to know where I came from. I needed to know who I looked like. Even if he was dead, I still needed my answers.


After a 14 year search to receive my truth, on November 10, 2010 I laid eyes on the man that gave me life, my birth father.

I drove to his door in the country of Leon, Iowa and introduced myself. He knew nothing about me. He looked at me and said, “Who’s your mother?”

I explained, he acknowledged the relations they had many years earlier. He told me I had a half-brother, but he isn’t 100% certain he’s his child. They hadn’t had contact in many years. I received his name, and my search to complete my puzzle continued. I found him almost a year to date later. He was the best part of my search and reunion.





My birth father wasn’t dead. They lied to me. Why did they have to lie to me?

John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free”

Knowing my truth has been the key to my healing, but I resent the fact that so many people lied to me, and stood in the way of me finding my truth.

My adoptive mom lied to me my whole life.
My birth mother lied to me my whole life.



I know, I know.. It’s my resentment to have. But I also know that NO CHANGE WILL BE MADE AS LONG AS WE ARE KEPT SILENT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER TO US.

This is why I write. This is why I share my journey. No one, ADOPTED OR NOT should be lied to about their history, or where they come from.


Why all the secrets and lies in adoption?


Because of LIES & SECRETS in adoption, I missed out on my nieces and nephews being born. I missed out on my brother getting married. I missed out on ever spending a Christmas or Thanksgiving with those who are MY DNA. MY BLOOD. I missed out on the relationship with my brother for 37 years of my life. I LOST!

This has hurt me. It has caused me more pain than anyone can imagine. I’ve accepted this lifetime of pain, but I’m having a hard time accepting PEOPLE LYING TO ME are the reason I lost so much of my relationship with my brother. Self-seeking, self-serving PEOPLE.

“Why can’t you just move on and be thankful?”

Because if I could just move on and be thankful I would have done it by now! Instead I’ve had society and those in “adoption” tell me how to feel my whole life, and I should just be thankful.

I’ve LOST & I’ve been LIED to.

Now I’m healing from this experience because society denied me my right to heal my entire life. You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there..


So much has been taken never to return. Maybe I want to share my TRUTH, and if I just “GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON” I will have no story to tell? Future adoptees will never discover their voice, and the lies and secrets will continue on. People will think adoption is the “BEST OPTION” and no adoptees will ever get their history.

What about that?

That’s why I write. That’s why I share. That’s why I speak about how it feels to be adopted.


If you are someone that’s holding the KEY (answers) to someone’s history and you have kept this vital information from them, WHAT IS YOUR REASON?

Let me say it again, SECRETS AND LIES DESTROY!

Today, I’m in recovery and one of the issues I’m working on is TRUST. It came to my attention that even when my heart wants to trust people, I DON’T TRUST THEM UNTIL THEY PROVE THEIR TRUSTWORTHY!

In relationships people have to earn my trust. If I feel like I’m being lied to it marks my trust for that person. I cannot and will not tolerate people that lie in my life. If people don’t keep their word or lie to me why would I want them in my life? No one wants a lier around them.

If you lie to me I’m done with you. That even means little lies too!

I have a lot of work to do, and admitting our issues is the first step to overcoming them.

All the way back to the beginning, starting with the moment I was born was the minute the lies and secrets started. That’s 40+ years of recovery that’s taking place based on everyone lying to me about my history, my truth.


I would like to share with all the adoptees that may come across my blog, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE IN FINDING YOUR FAMILY. No matter what you are told, never stop searching. Never stop looking for your truth. I’m sorry so many of you have to fight like hell to get what’s rightfully yours.


I do “get it”. I understand what that feels like. I understand what it feels like to be lied to by the people who say they love you the most. I understand what this can do long term as adoptees, and the damage it can cause. I’m living proof that we can make it out of this situation stronger. We have a story to tell. We have our truth to discover. We owe it to future generations of adoptees to never stop speaking our truth. We owe it to adoptive parents who just “Don’t get it” but who are trying to understand. We owe it to ourselves to be heard.




I woke up today with this really heavy on my mind. God helps me with what to write about!

They lied to me, and told me my birth father was dead. I know many other adoptees have been lied to in this way. You aren’t alone in how this has made you feel. Today, I’m working on my trust issues, and it’s not easy. This journey isn’t easy.

Discovering our truth is the only way to healing and freedom.

Thanks for reading! Can you relate?

– Pamela Karanova


Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?


If we can’t learn from one another, what good is our existence? We understand their are adoptive parents and others who truly want to try to understand us better. As a way to assist them on learning how it feels to be adopted, I decided to ask one question to generate some responses.  Why are so many adoptees angry or hurt by their adoption experiences? These responses have been kept anonymous for confidentiality reasons. Each person that participated knew their response was going to be posted on a blog and shared with the world.

To my fellow adoptees, thank you for sharing such a personal piece of your hearts to help others understand us better. If we don’t who will? Also, remember you are never alone. The way you are feeling is natural for a not natural situation. Much love from me to you!<3

I asked one simple question, “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?”


100 adoptees chimed in.

Here are their responses.

  • Lack of identity. Lack of origin. Adoption being about our adoptive parent’s pain which eclipses our own. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling helpless. Bullying. Discrimination. Systematic discrimination. Legal discrimination. Being forced to lead someone else’s life and not my own. Searching for an identity in all we know. Having to identify with painful back stories of pop culture icons who’s worlds have been destroyed (superman, Mr. Spock, starlord, the punisher the list goes on). Feeling like your life is a movie because we’ve been introduced as a supplemental character in our own story with no history. Having to grow up too fast. Being told we’re lucky. Being asked about our ‘real’ parents. Being looked at like an alien. Being told there’s a reason for our suffering without being told the reason. Feeling worthless because nobody values OUR needs. Feeling like there’s no end in sight. An inability to believe in ourselves because we believe there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Having to constantly wonder if the people you may know on Facebook are somehow related. Feeling the same feeling when walking down the street. Having to wonder when starting a new relationship whether or not they’re your sibling or cousin. Never being able to feel 100% comfortable in said relationship because of that. Feeling like love is someone leaving you. Never finishing anything because of a lack of closure.
  • There are SO many reasons, I probably can’t list them all in one go. But the things that come to mind are:
  • My own FAMILY gave me away to strangers.
  • My own grandmother lied to and coerced my mother so that she felt she had no other choice, and all because my grandmother cared more about what the neighbors thought than she cared about my mother or me.
  • The government colluded with my grandmother to ensure that my mother wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone unsupervised by my grandmother, so she had no opportunity to discuss or truly discover what SHE wanted.
  • Even though the government KNEW full well that my father wanted to raise me even if my mother didn’t, they told him he had no rights to me, and gave me to strangers when they COULD EASILY have allowed me to be kept within my own family.
  • The government TOLD my adoptive parents that they shouldn’t tell us we were adopted, that we never need know, AND told them that even if we did know, that if they were good parents, we’d never wonder about our pasts.
    The government LIED to me when I tried to get information.
  • The manager of the government’s post adoption registry LIED to me, and acted like he was god by flaunting all the information that he had about me that he wasn’t going to share with me.
  • Some members of my adoptive family always treated me like an outsider.
  • I never fit into my adoptive family. I’m not like the rest of them – even the ones who have been nice to me.
  • All the other kids at school knew I was adopted, and would tell me that their parents had said that my real mother didn’t love me and didn’t want me.
  • Other people have always acted like THEY know better, and have told me how I should feel, and what I should or should not do.
  • Other people gave me search advice that I wish I hadn’t taken, because my mother DIED before I found her, and if I’d just called around, I’d have found her before that.
  • Other people told me what to call my natural family, and I wish I hadn’t felt obligated to listen, because it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
  • People do not allow us to grieve. Try telling someone your mother died and hearing “It’s just as well.” or “You’re over reacting. You didn’t even know her.”
  • I’m angry because my right to grieve was stolen along with my history. If I was allowed to grieve and share my feelings as a child I may not be as angry as an adult. Unfortunately I’m just now grieving my losses… And yes, ANGER is a stage of that grief.
  • I’m angry because I was told a lie most of my life by my adoptive parents. Why are we raised to tell the truth and not lie but adoption lies are okay? Lying is not okay. I would rather know my hard core history [My truth] than be lied to my entire life by those who are supposed to love me the most.
  • Could it be we have not been allowed to grieve our loss? From our birth mother. In Grieving anger is one of the stages in grief. People have not allowed us to share our loss and validate loss. People dismissed our loss as important.
  • I personally am angry because I was not told I was adopted until I was in my 30s and it’s very disempowering, plus quite a shock to find out at that age.
  • I’m angry because I grew up feeling completely out of place and have ALWAYS wondered about where I came from, and here I am- a grown adult who is STILL being denied that knowledge by other people. I am angry because I have had to put myself (and private information) out there for the world to see for only a tiny CHANCE of finding my biological identity. I am angry because I have feelings that get poo-pooed by other people who have never been in my shoes. I am angry because I am being treated like a perpetual child. Like I’m not “allowed” to want to know and that I don’t deserve to know and most of the people with those thoughts get to know exactly where THEY came from!
  • I’m angry because I’m in my 50s and still not allowed access to my own birth certificate – even though I found all of my family member’s years ago. I’m angry that there is still a lack of support for family preservation in favor of adoption. I’m angry that having more money allows certain adopters to pull wanted children away from their families. I’m angry that so many childless people that claim to care about children really only want to get themselves a baby and not actually help older children in foster care or even just vulnerable families in their own community. I’m angry that whenever adoptees attempt to speak their truth and call for changes in the system they are silenced, called “ungrateful” and “angry” and told they just had a “bad experience.” I’m angry that the industry is pulling in thousands of dollars at the expense of vulnerable children. I will continue to be “angry” in order to try to affect change for today’s children and those yet unborn.
  • I’m angry because everyone expected me to forget my first family & expected me to be thankful for the biggest loss of my life. An entire family.
  • I’m angry because of my adoptive parent’s gain I lost a lifetime of memories that can’t be replace with my biological family members.
  • I’m angry because I was taken away from my country, my culture and my native language. Not only that but I was lied to which was pretty stupid as I was transracially adopted! My name was taken away from me I was taken away from me and I was renamed if they had used my Chinese name as a middle name that would have been fine but I wasn’t even afforded that option. What makes me even more angry is I see 21st century white adoptive parents making exactly the same “mistakes” or decisions as my unenlightened 60s adoptive parents did. At least they had an excuse ideas about culture and identity had yet to be formed etc. But today what’s the excuse there is none.
  • I’m not angry. I’m hurt. I’m hurt that my birth Mother thinks the system failed her. I’m hurt that my natural citizenship from Canada was taken away from me. I’m hurt that I was taken away from my birth father. I’m hurt that I was discarded both as a baby and as an adult after reunion… I’m hurt that my birth mother cares more about what others think than how I feel. I’m not angry please don’t mistake hurt for anger.
  • I’m angry because I’ve found and been reunited w. Both birth parents but the state of Iowa continues to keep my birth records sealed. Why am I unable to get my information? There is no reason behind this. I want MY OBC!
  • I’m angry because if we feel any negativity towards being taken from our roots, our heritage, our FAMILIES, it’s seen as anger and dismissed. Why can’t we just be sad that we have lost so, so much?….so mostly I am sad, but I am very, very angry that the government decided I would be better off with a married couple without any other support than my loving single mother who was capable of raising me herself, yet had a HUGE extended family. I’m angry that no checks were done, other than to check their marriage cert. That certificate didn’t take away the dysfunction and abuse in the marriage.
  • It gets me angry that I fucking don’t know the beginning of my own life! How am I supposed to live a life when I don’t know how it started!
  • I am angry that we are made to feel ashamed if we express anger because we should be grateful. That our anger is seen as unjustified and that we must have some mental health problem if we are so angry; rather than a normal reaction to a tragedy.
  • I am an angry adoptee because not only was I given up for adoption, but so were my 4 siblings, thankfully I did find them all.
  • Well, I have struggled with anger my entire life. I am a 48 year old adoptee and my Adoptive Father was also an adoptee. We BOTH had/have anger issues. It stems from fear of abandonment, I believe. Anger can creep up at the strangest places. I call these “triggers.” Because we have experienced abandonment at birth, we may not remember it, but it is imprinted on our psyche and we carry that with us our entire lives. Our brains are also hard wired around this event. I also believe that we somehow intuitively know that we do not want to be abandoned ever again and so we will do everything humanly possible to avoid anything we perceive as abandonment.
  • I have read tons of books on the subject of adoption and its effects on the adoptee and this is the conclusion I have come to for today. Our brains are not fully developed at birth. When we babies are taken away from our birth mother, we immediately go into fight or flight mode. Our brains at this age are not able to regulate and handle all the stress that we are experiencing and our systems become overloaded with cortisol and it actually changes how the pathways in our brand-new brains are wired. As a result, I also believe that experiencing this at birth tells us that we are not worthy, capable, entitled, to basic necessities and comforts in life.
  • Anger is also a mask for other emotions that we “believe” we cannot or are not allowed to feel for fear of abandonment. I “can” become angry whenever I am feeling sadness, fear, loneliness, STRESS, being left out, (This is a HUGE, HUGE trigger for me…) or many other feelings. If I stop and think, “What is the underlying emotion that I am feeling right now” or “What is causing me to feel anger right now?,” I can most times avert the anger and deal with what I am really feeling – not always though. Asking for help is another HUGE trigger for me simply because I have three teenaged children who do not always want to help out at home. I f I am having a low energy day and cannot follow through with asking for what I NEED help with, I often become angry. I become angry when I am overwhelmed. The thoughts in my head also tell me incorrect ideas that lead me to believe: I cannot ask for help – for fear of abandonment. I am learning to overcome this, thankfully, after many, many years of hard work. My thoughts also tell me that I cannot do nice things for myself because 1. I cannot afford it, 2. I do not have time, 3. My chores are not done. Etc., Etc., Etc. I also have a VERY bad habit of reading into the thoughts and feelings of others. I f these people do not read my mind and act the way I “Need” then to, I become angry.
  • I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man who is patient and kind. I STILL, to this day, become very angry over silly little things – all because I do not communicate my needs, feelings or wants (in a healthy way) AND I am able to provide myself adequate “Down time” on a consistent basis due to fear of abandonment. Here is one example. My husband is a hunter and every year he plans two hunting trips. Every year we talk and put the trips on the calendar. Every year I become angry at him during this time for several reasons: 1. He is preoccupied with planning for and packing for the trip. (I feel left out) 2. I have not planned a “Get away” for myself in YEARS! (This makes me feel guilty and sad and worn out etc., etc.)
  • In a nutshell, I think we adult adoptees have hidden triggers that creep up in several predictable and sometimes unpredictable places in our lives. These triggers cause us to feel anger because we are covering up emotions that we do not feel we should feel for fear of abandonment.
  • The bottom line is that we had no voice & no choice. It left most of us feeling disenfranchised. It affects every aspect of our lives & our sense of self-worth.
  • It’s as though we were just thrown away to be bought & sold to fulfill someone else’s needs, rather than ours. Even as adults we have to fight to gain any knowledge of our own personal health & family history, our nationality & religious backgrounds, much less to know if we have biological relatives, & to claim our own birth certificates. To get anywhere on our searches costs money & we have to face the potential for rejection from both our adoptive & biological families for doing it.
  • People who were raised in their own family of origin get to take all of that for granted.
  • I’m angry because I don’t have the basic right to be who I am and I have a law that prevents me most of my life from talking to my own mother and father, while strangers who were married took me because they wanted to and because adoption is a form of slavery and child trafficking.
  • Ambiguous grief. Why can’t you be grateful? Most adoptees are.
  • Coercion. *No one* offered to help my first mother raise me. So much for helping “widows and orphans”
  • Hijacking holy writ for personal or financial gain. Interesting that “orphans and widows” are more often than not mentioned together in sacred text, implying vulnerable mothers and children. I remember one important man turning over some tables, or something, with the money changers.
  • Hijacked identity. Give me my OBC.
  • Decades lost with my siblings that wouldn’t have been without closed adoption.
  • I’m angry that the state feels I’m incapable of knowing who my biological parents are, that the adoption industry is profiting by human trafficking and that so many adoptive parents are so insecure that they are threatened by us wanting to know our truths.
  • I’m an angry person … Not sure what it is .. I think people expect you to be thankful, to a certain degree, yes I am but they forget the impact that adoption has on people… All adoptees have issues growing up
  • I am not angry…. I am at loss because I cannot live up to the expectations of the family who adopted me and I can’t go backwards into my biological family because they also had/have certain expectations … who am I
  • I am not angry I am hurt. I grew up in complete filth. I was abandoned at the hospital when I was born.
  • My adoptive mother was in and out of psych wards by whole life and my adoptive father was Satan in disguise.I had no upbringing. I searched not for wants for my health I was told by my adoptive mother I would not be able to walk when I hit my thirties and at 34 I lost some vision and live with extreme muscle pain.
  • I have a hard time because at 78 my birth mother and I am 36 what is the problem….
  • I am angry because I sound desperate. I almost feel like a person begging for food.
  • Am I wrong because I want to know where I come from?
  • Am I wrong because for once I want to feel like I belong?
  • I am more desperate now than ever I wonder all the time looking at my 17 and 14 year old. R they ok. I cry secretly because I wish I could be a better mom like I used to be without these health issues.
  • Anger is a part of the grief & loss process. No one told me I could grieve my losses growing up, so I’m doing it now. I’m 62.
  • Every day is a struggle. I just want to know. I will not burden my birth mother. I would never blame or yell I just want answers a right to know.
  • Because anger gives me energy to handle all the hurts, if I were to just feel my sadness I would fall into a depression. A bit of anger helps me keep my head above water to fight for adoptions laws to change for adoptions to be open, ethical and more support services. I work in adoptions because I am angry with people not doing adoptions correctly and I want to be a part of the solution and help change, influence those around me. I am angry because I did not get a say, my loss was and still not validated. I still don’t get a say. Reunion 24 years. Adoptive parents died 20 years ago; yet I cannot unadopt myself. I cannot legally be my mother’s daughter or my father’s daughter. This makes me angry that I do not have the same self-determination than non-adoptees.
  • Sometimes I have no idea why I am angry, self-worth and abandonment seem to be at the center of the feelings that do not always make sense.
  • Angry because we are told how we should feel, but our own feelings are not validated, even in our own families.
  • What causes me anger as an adoptee was having to hold back my feelings as a child, and of course still now as an adult, with my adoptive parents in order to protect their feelings, as if theirs were the only ones that mattered, and they certainly made it loud and clear that theirs mattered more than mine when it came to wanting to search for my birth mom and asking too many questions about her because they made it very clear from the get-go that they would be very hurt if I searched for her (which I did anyway in secret and found her as an adult)…..I am also angry that the adoptees voices count for nothing, even when they get older, even though it is their fate that is decided by others, and then if we as adoptees want to search, we often have to pay for our own records or in order to search for our birthparents. I am angry that adoptees are now being denied passports; I would have been one of them due to how my birth certificate was filed had I not already had a passport prior to 2011 when they changed the criteria. I am angry that the stark truth is coated with sugar to make everyone feel better when all it does is suppress a lot of feelings in everyone that fester and come out in other ways. I am angry that adoptive parents are told and believe and preach that they can and have loved the adoptee like their own. They have loved to the best of their ability, some of them, but it will never be the same as their own biological child, and everyone knows that somewhere deep inside. We as adoptees were most of their second choices after they tried and failed at having a biological child of their own. We were their second choice and we will always feel second best through the rest of our lives for everything. And at the same time we were their savior, saving them from childlessness which is a huge burden to place on a child, and they do place a lot on our shoulders. I am angry that so many people think we as adoptees should be grateful because our adoptive parents saved us so we should shut our mouths to any gripes we have about them and be eternally thankful towards them. I am angry that I never felt like I fit in and that I had a huge identity crisis my entire life until I found my birthparents to confirm what I did internally know about myself so that I felt explained and I felt like I understood why I was the way I am so I didn’t feel so out of place, I finally feel accepted and finally know why I was drawn to all I was drawn to, why I react to things as I do and where my talents and interests and values and quirks come from. I am angry that I have to live a double life as a 37 year old to hide from my adoptive parents that I have found my birth mom to protect their feelings because it’s all about them (which as a parent of my own biological child, it should never be that way imho)…….
  • I’m angry that when I say these things I get told I just had a bad adoption, angry that adoption truth is hidden along with my identity and family. The most sacred bond of family is destroyed by adoption, cruel and barbaric, extreme, insanity; imagine preventing family association, absolutely disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I’m angry because the government says I have no right to know who I am or where I came from….that the 14th amendment doesn’t apply to me.
  • I’m angry because I’m expected to be grateful for losing my mother. Non adoptees take so much for granted and are not willing to understand our loss and our grief. If one more fucking person tells me I’m lucky I’m about ready to give them an earful. I had to disguise my grief so as not to upset my adopters. I’m angry that I was given to people old enough to be my grandparents who thought a shed was an appropriate home. They didn’t legally adopt me till I was 16 and they kept that a secret, although all my ‘friends’ knew. I’m angry that I don’t belong with either my adoptive or birth families. They’re aliens to me. I didn’t search till it was too late. My mother was dead. I delayed because I didn’t want to hurt my adopters! My male adopter (wouldn’t dignify him with the title father) was an abusive drunk. They were totally insensitive to my feelings. They never talked about my adoption… Well there wasn’t one when I was growing up. They were totally clueless that I was seriously depressed. I hate them and I hate my birth relatives. They too are totally insensitive. My cousin showed me a ring of my mothers, never thinking that I’m her daughter and it should be mine. Why am I angry???? Sheesh!
  • I think frustrated is a better descriptor than angry. Frustrated and over being silenced, lied to and treated like wayward children.
  • I’m angry because I’ve never seen my own birth certificate.
  • I’m angry because I was lied to for 34 years. I didn’t discover I was adopted until I was an adult when my birth mother found me. The “better” family I went to was emotionally and physically abusive. I’m angry that I missed knowing my biological family for so long. Birth mom searched for ten years before finding me. Numerous relatives including birth father died during that time. Health history that would have been very valuable (and thus avoiding several tests I “needed” based on adoptive family history) to me. I’m angry because no one supported my mother in raising me instead of making me out to be a shameful secret. I’m angry that my adoptive family denied my mental health issues when they would have been addressed openly in my bio family (all my siblings have some kind of issue that the family deals with openly and honestly). I’m angry that my birth mom didn’t make the cake at my wedding. I’m angry that we have missed so many important days together.
  • I’m not angry as much as hurt. I believe I was discarded and sold (that’s the way adoption agency’s work)I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family and as a result I feel like I can’t speak the truth to my bio-family as to how I was raised, bottom line I don’t think anyone has ever loved me, wanted me, cared about me without ulterior motive. I’ve been alone my whole life. I’m hurt because I people use words like we know what’s best for you, and that’s a lie they know what’s best for them or what they want. And now I lie-to my adopted family, that it’s ok that I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and I lie to my bio-family that I had a childhood(I’m trying to protect them) The truth is I was born alone and will probably die alone and everybody will say they did their best.
  • I was told as a 9 year old when my ‘adoption issues’ first presented, that adoption had nothing to do with any of my issues. A lock step of denial that adoption had any ill effects at all was the party line in my AP’s house after that. My adoptive mother abused and neglected me and my adoptive father did nothing to stop it. Yes I have anger at the adoption industry that continues to profit.
  • I’m angry because I’m in-between two females being my mother yet when I met ones family they all say I look like them and to top it off I can’t have my obc adoptive parents know what lady it is and her last name but will not tell me . I’ve been lied to abused and I’m down right sick of the lies.
  • I’m angry because my birth fathers rights were stripped. In the 1970’s things were much different, but it’s still happening today! This makes me angry. I missed out on a lifetime with him, and my sibling. This can’t be undone, or replaced.
  • I’m angry, because the government does not deem me worthy of having my original birth certificate. Even my dogs have their original birth certificates; I, however, am not allowed to. I would NOT change anything about my life insofar as being adopted, my adopted parents – who were the best parents anyone could have ever have — the only thing I ask for is be treated with respect as a human being – I have the right to know who I am, where I come from and who I come from and my ancestry – I don’t think that’s asking too much.
  • My parents adopted me, and then treated me like shit. People always ask me “Why did they adopt you?” It’s the million dollar question. The closest I could come to was that I was a lemon for them and they had buyer’s remorse. For some reason I still hung on, from the fringes and it wasn’t until I read this page that it occurred to me that I could simply let go and just walk away from the pain of being an outcast in my adoptive immediate family. I haven’t yet let go, and maybe I won’t but it really sucks to feel like you were rejected twice and still feel a connection to people who for all insensitive purposes…don’t want me. It does give me some measure of comfort that at some point, should I chose to I can decide to divorce my family and just be me, not defined by them and all that I endured as their “Mistake”.
  • I’m angry that my adopted Mother was so desperate for a child that she ignored the wishes of my natural Mother. I know she knew. I’m angry that my natural Grandmother was a coward who sent the Doctor in to pull me away. I’m angry at my natural Grandfather who said he’d throw my mom out on the street if she kept me. I’m a angry that there was no advocate for her and me and that it wasn’t anyone her family. I’m angry at the pain she went through, enough to experience the feeling of not wanting to be because I love her.
  • I’m angry because I was robbed of my culture and heritage, and I’m not a transracial adoptee. I was adopted to a couple who were not good parents – they were extreme narcissists who demanded a culture of denial. I figured out early that it was my job to meet their needs (not the other way around).  They allowed a grandfather to sexually abuse me, and although they knew it was going on, they kept that man as a member of the family. Just another indignity an 8 year old had to endure to keep the peace. I was verbally ridiculed and minimized, and physically abused. I kept quiet until I was in my 50s. Now old family friends don’t want to believe it and want to cast me as an ungrateful adoptee. Ungrateful for what??
  • I’d like to add that I don’t thank my biomother for giving me life. I don’t know why this is part of the social myth of adoption. Either have us and keep us or don’t have us, but don’t have us and give us away, and try to claim some moral high ground. Being abandoned and left to strangers creates deep wounds that last a lifetime, and are passed to the next generation. Many times I considered suicide, after all, my history, culture, and identity were killed, what part of me is left?
  • This is the anger talking, which comes from the deep well of hurt we carry. We may be fortunate enough to find our strength and self esteem, but we often don’t feel valued by the world, so our self-worth sucks. I am angry that we have to work so hard to overcome adoption in order to survive and thrive. I’m angry that many of us can’t.
  • I’m angry because a social worker shut down my search when I was 15 by telling me that my biomother probably wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her. Forty years later, I searched again, only to find both parents dead.
  • I’m angry because the loneliness and genetic confusion of adoption is passed down to the next generation when our kids don’t know who their true ancestors are unless we undertake a financially and emotionally costly search that is fraught with obstacles, rejection, and ignorant “experts”.
  • I’m angry because the non-adoption community is so bloody ignorant, yet full of self-righteous opinions. I’m angry because adoption is child trafficking pure and simple, and has become glamorized by Hollywood and the powerful – so that adoptees don’t have a voice.
  • I’m now in my 50s. I am still angry (that’s not the right word – I’m furious, enraged, deeply saddened, distraught) about being given away. My adoption was miserable. I felt disconnected, filled with self-loathing, inferior. I was told I was special, but how could I be special when inside I felt dirty and bad. My adoptive mother was abusive and completely dominated my adoptive father. Looking back, I think she was probably a narcissistic personality – she wanted children because it was part of her perfect package, but couldn’t accept my sister and I for the people we were. I wasn’t their child, I wasn’t what they wanted. I was their last resort. The other week, I suddenly burst into tears in public, at the thought that my birth mother had abandoned me in a children’s home at four weeks old. I’ve never done that before. I suppose that was grief showing itself – and I’m scared that so much grief is still inside me. Unlike many adoptees, I found my birth parents. And for me, this was the twist in the tail. Both my birth parents are self-absorbed and irresponsible. Much to my disbelief, I discovered that my birth mother had the choice to keep me – a former boyfriend who still cared about her, wanted to marry her and raise me as his own child. But she chose not to, telling me it wouldn’t have been right because she didn’t love him. A year later, she went ahead and married him anyway. And on top of that, when I met her, she used me to try to re-establish contact with my birth father. I understand that losing a child to adoption caused her irreparable pain. But I have no words to describe what I’ve lived with throughout my life, and what that discovery did to me – the self-doubt, the hatred, the isolation blew up almost out of control. Adoption is destruction. Ties are broken and can’t be fixed. A baby’s development, emotional and mental, is radically altered by the adoption experience. Why, when so many ‘minority’ groups can have a voice in society, are the voices of adoptees still smothered? I detest the hypocrisy that human life is sacred – if we truly believed that, adoption as it is now would no longer exist. Don’t have a child and give it away. Keep it, or don’t go through with the pregnancy.
  • I have said I choose who is my family. The thing about that is, they don’t feel the same about you. People always treat their blood differently. They care about them more. They will do more for them. On top of that I ended up in a family I don’t mesh with. I struggle to socialize with them. I don’t know how. My parents love me as their own, the extended family doesn’t. I also feel I have a right to know who I am. I am stuck in this never ending identity crisis.
  • You really hit the nail on the head. I am angry that the court, which symbolizes justice, approved and arranged for me to live out my life as a secret (it was a closed adoption) even from myself. I am angry that I normalized being a secret to the point that I was willing to participate in other relationships where I was required to be a secret. I couldn’t see the selfishness and the lack of respect these people were showing me. Like a child I still believed I was still being protected by being kept a secret! I am also angry about being a receptacle for the shame, resentment, and disappointment both my mothers feel about their own actions. Lastly I am angry about how non-adopted people responded when I searched. Eventually I experienced a secondary rejection from my birthmother. People asked about the well-being of both sets of parents at this time. Some expressed sorrow and compassion for my birthmother who rejected me. Others praised my adoptive parents for their patience and support. No one asked me how I was doing or how I felt about being rejected again. When I tried to voice my feelings someone said, “Hey, this isn’t a competition you know.”
  • Angry; because since my older sister turned 17 and decided to seek out our biological mom, my adopted mother believes that she is a victim.. in some cases, she may be, but that didn’t give her the right to treat me any different because I wanted to know where I came from. Now it is years later; and I do NOT even talk to my biological family, none of them. In my adopted families eyes; I am now an adult and on my own which I agree with, but please, let the past go. No matter what decision I made, It was “MY” decision.  Some information for anyone thinking about adopting; NOT everyone will want to meet their biological’s, but if they do, don’t hold it against them; or think they do not love you.
  • I was having a bad day and finally I journaled and what I am most angry about and hurt about adoption is why I could not be loved? What was so difficult about loving a child? I was never told. My life in a lot of ways “mirrors” yours. I too am angry that the government or anyone else who helped keep me a “secret”. I do love my adoptive parents and always will. (They both passed 3 years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was mistreated finally made sense. I don’t know what it’s like to have that “unconditional” love. I was always looking to be a part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was told “NO”. I have no contact with my siblings. Everything was always in my “head”. I was also raised in the military. My biological father was KIA before I was born. So many lies & secrets. I always used to feel like I wasn’t good enough. “It’s my fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of triggers. I need to start talking about how adoption hurt me and how many times I have been wounded. How the hell am I going to make it through this? I have my faith back, even more so and even though I have my struggles. It’s not half as bad as what I went through. There is just so much I don’t understand right now and for my sanity, I WANT FU*&IN answers damn it!! I do understand and no matter how hard I search I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some and when I did see myself and some “prominent” features in a picture it floored me because I was so unprepared. I called back “home” wanting to talk to my sister and I told my other sister that I’m pretty sure my dad confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because how could I not trust my gut instinct? I’m learning to trust now, but those abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling a part of a family. I’m scared shitless though and because I have made mistakes before domestic violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I f’ing know why the f*&k people would question me when I told them I was Hispanic. My whole f’ing life I’ve been checking the “Hispanic” block because although raised military my “parents” were Hispanic. I have dark hair, so now I check the “Other” block. This would have been easier when I was younger, maybe. I have gone a long time being a secret and a lie. One day at a time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My ANGER comes from the abuse, lies, cover ups, feeling like the reason why I could not be truly loved was my fault. I’m able to give love, by the grace of God. I can always feel when I see a child if they are hurting. I have children and they loved their grandparents a lot and are close to my siblings. This is another journey I feel I’m taking on my own. – Adult Adoptee
  • I was having a bad day today and finally I journaled and what I am Most Angry About and Hurt is Why Could I not be Loved? What was so difficult about Loving a Child? I was Never Told. My Life in a lot of ways “Mirrors ” Yours. I too am Angry at the Government or anyone else who helped keep me a ” Secret”. I do Love my Adopted Parents and I always will ( They both passed away three years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now Understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was Mistreated finally Made Sense. I Don’t know what it’s like to have that ” Unconditional ” Love, I was always looking to be part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was Told “No”. I have no Contact with My Siblings. Everything was Always in my ” Head”. I was also raised in the Military. My bio Father was KIA before I was Born. So Many Lies, So Many Secrets. I Always used to feel like I wasn’t Good Enough. I was Abused too. I have to fight that old Recorder that tells me ” I am Not Good Enough”, ” It’s My Fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their Behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of Triggers. I need to start talking about how Adoption hurt me and how many times I have been Wounded thinking, ” How The Hell Am I Going To Make Through This ?” I have my Faith Back, even more so and even though I have my struggles, It’s not half as bad as What I Went Through. There is just so Much I don’t Understand right now, And For My Sanity……. I want Fuckin Answers Damn It!!!! So, I do Understand and no matter How Hard I Search, I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some, and when You do see Your Self and some ” Prominent” Features in A Picture, It Floors You because I was so unprepared. I called back ” Home” wanting to talk to my sister, and I told My other Sister that I am Pretty Sure My Dad Confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because How could I Not Trust My Guy Instinct. I am Learning to trust it now, but Those Abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling part of A Family. I am Scared Shitless Though and because I have Made Mistakes before Domestic Violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I Fucking Know Why the Fuck People would question Me when I told them I was ” Hispanic”. My Whole Fuckin Life I have been Checking the ” Hispanic ” block because Although raised Military, My ” Parents ” were  Hispanic. I have Dark hair. So now I Check ” Other”. This shit would of been Easier when 100% I was Younger ( Maybe).I have gone A Long Time being A ” Secret” and A Lie”. One Day At A Time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My Anger Comes From The Abuse, The Lies, The Cover ups, Feeling like The reason why I could not be truly loved was because it was My Fault. I am able to give Love ( by the grace of God) and I can Always feel when I see a Child if they are hurting. I have Children and They Loved their Grandparents A lot and are close to My Sibs. This is Another Journey that I feel like I am Taking on My Own. Thanks For Posting These. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I agree with the statements above.Loneliness, stigma, trauma, abuse, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders, sleep hyper vigilance, distrust from others, nature, nurture and the environment and being rejected by everyone, mocked at and humiliated for being different.People around either neglect or despise the facts, call me boring and are totally insensitive and never listen to an adoptee’s reasons. The Primal wound, that is, the separation from mother is a disintegration of the self and no one cares about us.We are faced with terror and abuse and no one cares because usually (I wasn’t even adopted, I think ,I was stolen from my mother dying from hunger and depression),.It’s a life of lies and lots of repressed rage which we are forbidden to express. adding to this I was hated by my adoptive family.It’s very hard to survive after all that.Nothing seem credible, long lasting or possible.It’ s torture and only through an immense amount of self-sacrifices (tragic sacrifices, self-victimization, etc) did I survive? – Adult Adoptee
  •  I am angry because when I was in my 20’s and was talking about some feelings concerning my adoption my adoptive mother replied: “I would have thought that you were over that by now”. When I was 25 and lost my job and therefore couldn’t pay my rent I came back to their home, the only place I had to go and my father said that I couldn’t stay because my adoptive mother couldn’t handle it, so I left with enough money to buy a train ticket and luckily ended up staying with the girl I had known for 10 days – it might not have worked out but she then became my wife. This is strange because my adoptive sister went back there and stayed long enough to get a new job and move into a flat. My adoptive brother moved back there and ended up staying for 25 years! All I wanted was some time at my parents’ place to destress and get my head together. I am also angry that when my adoptive parents passed away they left all of their assets in a trust with the trustees being my two adoptive sisters and adoptive brother. They made my adoptive other brother who is mentally impaired a discretionary beneficiary, which is very understandable as he has special needs that his three sibling trustees need to meet. What I am angry about is that my adoptive parents in their will also made ME a discretionary beneficiary. I could only put this down to the fact that I was adopted and also perhaps to keep my adoptive mentally impaired brother ‘company’ so that he didn’t feel left out – in effect I was sacrificed for his benefit. A discretionary beneficiary is someone with mental problems, unable to deal with finances and daily life on his own or of a young age, needing to be aided and guided by the trustees. None of these apply to me: When I learnt of my discretionary beneficiary status I was 46 years old. Now I am 52 years old and have been married for 26 years, have two adult children, a home owner and joint owner a limited company and yet was selected to be the only other discretionary beneficiary. This means that I am not a part of the adoptive parents’ ongoing legacy and am an owner of none of their assets. The trustees cannot disclose anything to me and I am simply informed, when appropriate, of any monies that they decide can be given to me. This makes me angry and sidelined, especially as I was brought up to be made to believe that I was the same as my adoptive siblings – made to believe that I was of equal status. What also makes me angry is that although I was always made to believe that I was adopted I dug deeper to ask if it was reasonable that I should be made a discretionary beneficiary with social services and when they looked at my case history they found that I was never actually adopted, just fostered. My adoptive siblings talk of my parents and great grand parents, i.e. their biological ancestors as if they are all mine and have a big family tree with me at the top, but none of these people have anything in common with me genetically and now that I know that I was never adopted I am not even legally bonded to them either, having just really lived in limbo between my adoptive and biological families. – Adult Adoptee
  • I am angry because I am 52 years old and have been brainwashed all of my life to believe that I was “chosen” while the fact that I was torn away from my natural mother was swept under the rug like it didn’t matter or wouldn’t have an impact on me for the rest of my life. I am angry because if my 15 year old mother had received the support she needed to keep me, instead of being judged, shamed and beaten down, I might have known what it’s like to feel whole. I am angry because my adoptive parents weren’t educated on the problems I would have as a result of being torn away from my natural mother and I did not receive the validation, recognition or support I needed to deal with that trauma. I am angry that even though I have met and been in connect with my natural family for 34 years, I still don’t fit or feel whole. I am angry that these things are still happening in 2018 to other innocent babies and children who are expected to fulfill everyone else’s needs while being ‘trained’ to ignore and bury their own needs. Needs that go unrecognized, unacknowledged and unsupported by the vast majority of society, medical and mental health professionals, religious institutions, child welfare agencies, and discriminatory laws.
  • Why do we have to be labeled as Angry. That makes me Angry. I’m lost in pain. I should be i was rejected in the womb and ripped away from the womb and placed in unfamiliar surroundings as an baby . It’s haunting. I’m tired of all the labels placed on me mental, angry, angry adopted child…. I’m not mental and I’m not angry I’m hurt….. it hurts me that they give so much attention to the parents…. and not the baby or child… I get it that it’s got to be hard giving your baby away but it’s a 100 times harder on the baby… come on we all know what it takes to make a baby.. if you don’t want to deal with the pain of giving a baby away don’t make one… I have to live with all my mistakes… we all make them… but dam… why can’t we have a chance in life to be free of the haunting experience of being ripped away from what has been familiar for 9 months… if i want to be hurt or angry I have that right… it doesn’t make me bad …
  • I am angry because my mother never believed that her family (cousins) said racist things to me “She’s not really our cousin look how dirty her skin is.” (5 years old) She made blood more important. I’m angry because she made me compete with a child who never existed “You’re the only fat family member” . I am angry because the parent that understood me and loved me as me died and I am left with a dependent abusive alcoholic narcissist who can hide her true self to everyone else. Everyone allows her to drink and when she’s at the point where she’s no longer fun they dump her onto me and I hear about how I am a “disappointing alien child. Go find your real parents cause you’re a selfish ungrateful thing I regret.”
  • I don’t really know why I am so angry. Every time I come with a reason that makes sense to me I immediately contradict my own self with “plugged in” responses that I have heard my whole life therefore my inner self talk becomes plagues by doubt about my feelings & I end up repressing my feelings & go on with the same daily routine burying the attempt to expose what is making me angry. I am many time my own victim.
  • There are three of us , that my parents adopted. Could not have had better. I was very sick as a child, my parents took me to every Dr, within the area, where I grew up. But my siblings, stayed with and Aunt, that did not treat them well. We grew up not ever calling my parents brothers and sisters, Aunt and Uncle. Strange, everyone else did. Odd, one Aunt that lived far from us, we called them Aunt, and Uncle. We would go for Christmas the odd year, and gifts would be exchanged. I Loved them very much, the only one on my fathers side. And the very opposite on my Mothers side, to my Fathers, everyone treated us like we belonged. When my Grandparents passed, everyone of them, we were very young, not knowing at that time we were adopted, let alone what that meant, did not receive a memento from any Grandparents , that was very hard , knowing other Grandchildren did. We didn’t know any difference, we loved them, they were our Family, or so we thought. At a family reunion once, an issue occurred, I stepped up to defend this Uncle, my Aunt, on my fathers side, looked at me, and right out said, head back, shoulders stern, said to me, and who do you think you are? Well I cried, told my Father, and to my surprise, said nothing. That following day, I said to my adopted sister what took place, and said I think I’m adopted, she said no, you look to much like Mom, but I’ll tell you, I am, she found out two years prior. Well that following work day. On got on the phone and looked into my adoption, sure enough, within weeks I got a call, then the paperwork. Yes I did find my birth family. My situation was different, one I’m not sure my story to tell. But parents split, Mother on her own, no income, two older sisters , my father took to raise. My parents all, round, did what was best. I do have continuing health issues, I am Doctoring for, and greatful for a sister whom has offered to be tested to see if she can help. So the issue is not always with the parents, but other family members. Their loss.
  • I am angry because I have no idea who I am or where I come from. I’ve met my biological mother, absolutely no connection there. I asked her who my father was, she told me she didn’t remember…..Bullshit! When I tell my wife about things like this, she says ” Did you consider how she feels?” I say it’s not about her, remember…she had a choice. My biological mother has never made any attempts to tell her story, so again I don’t know. I remember growing up and people telling me how ” lucky ” I was because I was chosen? Oh, yea? give a try some time, and tell yourself how lucky you are. I’m 48 years old and still feel at odds with everything around me. I feel like I’m either 10 years ahead or 10 years behind. I have serious trust issues, even with friends. I wonder if I will ever have peace in my life.
  • I’m adopted and can certainly relate to many reasons why to be angry. Life goes on and I’m more angry of how I get treated like an outsider by my adopted family now as an adult. Snobs can all go jump in a lake for all I care.
  • I am justifiably angry that adoptive parents and society put so much effort into being saviors, in turn meeting their own needs and not ours and as a result expect us to be eternally grateful. Why not have placed more effort in helping my family stay together and keep me as a part of it. For that I would not only have been grateful, I would also be functional with none of the burden of the primal wound I carry today from not only being separated from my parents but from being sexually and emotionally abused for eight years by the family I was given to. Better off, I beg to differ.
  • I am angry because for 57 years I wasted my time thinking I had to fit in with my adopted family, I am angry because no matter what my adoptive parents say when they had their own kids I was treated as an outsider. I am angry that the government made it almost impossible for me to connect with my biological mother. I am angry when I think back to incidents where I desperately needed my adoptive mother to just hug me and she never did, when I needed my adoptive parents just to listen and they never did, I am angry that they always treated me differently that they then went on to totally reject me when I was a teen. But mostly I am angry that it took me this long to realize that these people are not worth my time or effort.
  • I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress.
  • I’m angry because most adoptive parents don’t have the willingness to read something like this to help understand adoptees better. They label us and say “we just had a bad adoption experience” Adoption in itself is a bad experience, yet they refuse to listen to us! The world refuses to listen to us! Well someone better be angry because of all the voiceless adoptees who haven’t made it on this earth. Who’s going to stand up for them? Adoptees who attempt suicide are 4x more likely than non-adoptees. When are you people going to start listening to adult adoptees? We have to make lists like this so you won’t shut us down? WAKE UP. I will continue to be angry until you WAKE UP! Someone has to be angry for change to happen! #ihaveavoice I will use it!
  • As a 46 year old adult who was adopted in 1975 I’m angry at the system which failed to perform thorough psychological evaluations on my prospective adoptive parents. Turns out one is a narcissist and the other has Asperger’s syndrome. Quite the one-two punch for a child growing up in an unfamiliar genetic environment. I believe the prevailing wisdom of the day was “adopted kids are a blank canvas, and will grow up to be however you make them to be…” Like I was some sort of mini-Mr. Potato Head or something. The couple who adopted me were nice enough people to the rest of the world but they constantly treated me like some type of malfunctioning machine. I demonstrated high intelligence and musical talent from an early age, yet was told pursuing my life as a musician was out of the question. They steered me instead towards their own interests (religion & science), neither of which I cared for. All I ever heard was “we know what’s best for you”, even as the loneliness, ostracizing, and lack of personal identity drove me into crime, heavy drug abuse and suicidal thoughts. Nobody appeared to care about ME, they only cared about how I measured up to their expectations – which I failed at basically every time. I’m a grown adult now, lonely as hell, looking back on a childhood of regrets. I don’t speak with them anymore and likely never will. After an exhaustive search I finally managed to uncover the identity of my birth mother – she died almost 30 years ago.

Can any adoptees relate to these posts?

For any adoptees who read this that would like to be added to this poll, feel free to enter your feelings below. Please allow 4-6 weeks for your submission to be added to this list.

Many Blessings to all, and thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova AKA @pamelakaranova

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google PodcastsiTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Genealogy & Me.. My Crack Pipe Mystery

Crazy title, I know…

I was trying to describe what it feels like to SEARCH for genealogy clues and tips on I don’t know if other adoptees can relate, but I have the strongest desire deep in the core of my being to SEARCH FOR PEOPLE! I truly believe that I began searching from the moment I found out I was adopted, and that was 5 years old.

I began to search for my birth mother all over the place. Looking back over my childhood and my life, I really don’t think anyone understands the heartache and trauma this causes on a child. How would you feel if you searched for your own mother every where you went? I remember distinctly how it felt, and all the places I looked for her. I remember seeing someone who might be “her”, but I never had enough guts to ask anyone until I reached my early teens. Of course, then I sounded like an idiot, “Are you my mother?”. SMH. That book makes me cry by the way, every time I see it or read it. 

My mind was filled with fantasies about who she was, where she was, and I knew in my heart of hearts this “Adoption Thing” was all a big mistake. There was no way possible a mother would truly give their baby up, would they? I dreamed my birth mother was looking for me, and any day she would pull up in her car and take me back home where I belonged. Every day I waited. Every day I was disappointed when she didn’t come. I never accepted the fact that it was real.

As I got older, I got angry. At 21 my adoptive mom told me she had been keeping something from me, and she lied to me my whole life. She knew who my birth mother was. Feeling betrayed, I began the search for my birth mother because now I had her name. Within days I found her, and the search was over.

During that time (1995) the internet wasn’t big at all. I couldn’t get online and do anything, but I did learn to be resourceful. I was born in Iowa, but I lived in KY. I called the Iowa library in the city I was born, and was super extra nice to the librarian who answered the phone. I really needed her help since I was so far away! I explained to her why I was calling, and she was more than happy to help me. I asked her to look up my birth mothers name in the 1974 directory. She did, and she found my birth mother and her address. Then I asked her to look in the 1995 directory. My birth mothers name wasn’t there, but there was another person that had the same last name as my birth mother that was listed in 1974 AND 1995. The librarian gave me this persons name, and I called her. She happened to be my birth mothers sister-n-law through marriage. Within minutes I had my birth mothers number, and called her.

I’m sharing this because all the way back to my early childhood I began searching, trying to put pieces of my puzzle together. Once I turned 21 and found my birth mother, and I had a name to go off of it took me 16 years and a road trip to finally meet my birth father, then I had 2 siblings I finally met. PUZZLE COMPLETE. ( I was rejected, which was and still is the biggest heartache of my life, but I believe it adds value to my testimony because I have survived being rejected by the woman who SHOULD love me the most!)

Over the years, I have helped many friends & family search for long lost loved ones. Again, the deep desire I have to help others connect their puzzle pieces is almost indescribable. It’s so strong, and now as an adult at 40 years old searching is something that truly makes me happy. I get excited with a new challenge, and I am always ecstatic when I help someone fill in some missing pieces. Little by little mysteries are being solved. Little by little people are bridging the gap between fantasy and reality when it comes to WHO THEY ARE AND WHERE THEY COME FROM?

Could it be that God helped me make it through this life so I could be here on earth to help others find their missing links? My title “Genealogy & Me, My Crack Pipe Mystery” as my title because once I get going on solving a mystery, I am addicted to it, and it’s extremely hard for me to stop! LOL

Some people don’t have this desire in them at all, so that leaves me to believe it’s a gift. I have helped a friend who gave a baby up for adoption find her son. They were reunited a few years back. I have helped a guy find his birth parents, and he had never spoke to his father his whole life. I helped a childhood friend find her brother who was given up for adoption when they were children. The list could go on and on. It’s something that truly makes me happy. I remember not knowing, and no one being anywhere to help me. Maybe God has put me here to support others in their search and reunions, and to be someone who can assist them in what to do next? I’ve been searching for over 20 years now. I’m pretty good at it, and I believe God is using me to help others connect with long lost family members.

I recently subscribed to Wow.. You would think I was on crack for real! ( LOL.. Those who know me know I’m living in recovery, 2 years 5 months!) I get addicted to searching for clues and cues. It’s insane. I literally have to pry myself away from the computer. I can spend hours and hours searching.

What is this big thing I have with searching? Does it come from searching for my birth parents at such a young age, even before I had a name? Do any other adoptees have this desire to search for their long lost loved ones? Even for others? To help them find their missing pieces?

Please share your thoughts & experience!

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

How Do You Feel About The Day You Were Born & Why?

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”- Mark Twain…

Does this quote make other adoptees squeal deep down inside or is it just me? I’ve been seeing more and more of this quote and each time I read it I’m reminded of the 2 most important days of my life and many other adoptees being hijacked, stolen gone forever. It feels like a knife stabs me in the gut each time I read this. I would suspect non-adoptees can’t even grasp WHY this quote would hurt so badly.

Let’s face it… There was no celebration that day. It was dooms day for my birth mother and I. I believe the day she surrendered her newborn baby was the hardest day of her life & I believe that day set the tone for the rest of her life. She died an alcoholic all alone at 63 years old.  I believe the day I was born was the day I experienced the biggest loss of my life, my entire first family and everything to go along with it.

For the day I was born to be one of the top 2 most important days of my life, AND for me to experience the biggest trauma of my life on that day by being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life is an oxymoron. So this leads me to believe this quote counts for everyone, BUT adoptees.

Does the world truly not see why adoptess views of themselves may or may not be so distorted? We were born into a difficult situation. We’re left to process this alone. We’re expected to celebrate something that should be grieved.

I don’t know about you, but this whole adoption thing is the most backwards experience of my entire life. How can I grasp that the 2 most important days of my life were the day that I was born and they day I found out why? I know why I was born… So I could fill a void in a woman’s life who couldn’t have children. She always dreamed of being called “Mother”. That’s why I was born. I was born because my birth mother had a sister who was deformed at birth because her mother tried to give herself an abortion, but didn’t succeed. This is the only reason my birth mother didn’t have an abortion. That’s why I was born. I was born and handed to strangers because my birth mother wanted to get rid of her problem. Her reminder of her affair with a married man who’s wife was dying of terminal cancer at the time I was conceived.

I don’t feel any comforting thoughts about the day I was born, only tragic. I don’t feel anything GOOD or warm fuzzy about anything to do with that day. I don’t feel HAPPY about being given LIFE instead of aborted. I would have rather been aborted because I wouldn’t feel any of this heart breaking pain day in and day out!  If you walked one day in my shoes and felt what I felt you just might feel the same way, so don’t judge me! I don’t feel great about anything to do with being born on this earth, used for the benefit of someone else. I don’t feel great at ALL about all that was taken from me. There is nothing GOOD to say about anything to do with the day I was born, or the reason WHY.

This isn’t saying I’m not thankful for certain aspects of my life or being born. I’m thankful I was a healthy baby. I was born with all my fingers and toes, etc. But for me to be happy or joyous about the day I was born, or the reason WHY I was born is crap. I had to fight like hell to find out my truth about WHY I WAS BORN. The truth hurt, but at least I found out. Thousands of adoptees will never find out their truth. They will never find out why they were born. Does this make them LESS THAN? It sure makes them feel like their foundation is missing.

Mark Twain- Your quote is crap for adoptees around the world.

That is all. I had to get this off my chest, because if I see that quote one more time I might just scream. How does this quote impact you if you are an adoptee? Am I alone here? Only ranting because this is my place to rant and share my feelings without being interrupted.

I wish I was excited about the day I was born. 

I wish I felt happiness on the day I was born. 

Thank you very much.

Happy New Year ALL!

Pamela Karanova @pamelakaranova

2014 in Review: Adoptee In Recovery

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,600 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 43 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Just Listen… That is all…

Each day I wake up, I say a prayer and thank God for allowing me to see another day on earth. Even when it’s hell on earth. I get out of bed, and muzzle through the morning. I play my worship music, I have some time with God. If time permits I do some writing, or journaling. Writing seems to be my escape. I can share my real feelings here, when no one else in the world seems to want to know how I feel. Part of me doesn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my “REAL” world. I’m afraid it would hurt them, then once again it would be about me worrying about others feelings before my own.  Being adopted, that’s how it’s been since day one.  I’m mentioning this because part of me wishes the people in my life close to me cared enough to want to read my feelings, and the other part feels like I need to protect them. People generally want to start giving unsolicited advice, and I’m just not ready to receive it from those who have no idea how it feels to be adopted. I wish more people would just LISTEN. That’s all I need.

Complicated, huh? I want people to understand me and if they try I will feel like they at least care. I also want to protect them from knowing how I really feel, so I don’t want to share it. I say “Protect them” because I have found that those close to me feel like because I have such deep rooted sadness due to my adoption experience (I have hope it will get better!) they feel as if they aren’t enough to make me happy. In reality, it has nothing to do with them, nothing at all. It has everything to do with losing so much by being adopted.

I’ve found most people who aren’t adopted can’t even comprehend how we feel. They might try, some of those close to me listen to me and I love them for that. That’s really all I need. But generally it’s on my mind every single day. Every single day I keep my feelings locked up in my mind, I pray and ask God for help to get through each day. It’s not easy. This holiday has been very trying. I’m so glad it’s over. I literally had to pull myself away from “Adoptee Land” and stay away from my computer, adoption sites, etc. It was extremely difficult to make it through each day aside from adding extra to it. Holiday’s are full of triggers. I hate the holidays. I found myself putting on a fake smile for everyone around me. If they only knew how I really felt, they would want to leave my like everyone else has. I think that’s a another reason I don’t really want them knowing my true feelings. They would never understand, and they would label me as an angry adoptee like the rest of society. Just so happens my story is one of heartbreak after heartbreak. There really is no happy ending for me. Not when it comes to my adoption story. I just have to learn to navigate through the emotions, even when they come souring like a tsunami. I must  continue to work on healing, sharing how I feel, and moving forward. The hardest for me, is acceptance. I have accepted a lot of my adoption experience. There are so many aspects to it. I kept thinking as I go through year after year of healing, that one day a light was going to click and my pain would be all gone. Or much less than it is now. It’s actually worse since I’ve been living in recovery. My feelings aren’t being masked by alcohol and drugs. They are very real & raw but it’s not getting easier. Treading through the unknown of working through past adoptee abandonment & rejection issues has been scary and some days I want to give up. It would be so much easier to just give up. But my inspiration is my kids, and future grand kids. I want to be a happy grandma for them, and a healthy mother for my kids. Not just on the outside but on the inside as well. Accepting this pain is here to stay was hard. I don’t think I will ever feel whole. Too much was lost, never to return. Too much was stolen, and the beginning of my life was just too messed up to be able to feel normal like everyone else might. What is normal anyway?  Who knows. I just know even after finding all my biological family, being rejected by my birth parents, and closing the door on that chapter of my life I am still a broken woman. Finding everyone was a HUGE success in my journey, but it didn’t end there. You never know what you will find, and you never know how the reunions will turn out. Mine failed. It’s been beyond difficult. I know other adoptees can feel my pain.

Next one up that’s difficult for many adoptees is Mother’s Day but thankfully I have a few months to even have to worry about it.

For those out there who aren’t adopted who might be reading this, if you can just listen when someone adopted is sharing their feelings to you, that’s the best thing you can do. Please don’t try to fix us, or say anything that could be taken the wrong way. We don’t need to hear things like, “Aren’t you glad you are alive and not aborted?” or “You were a gift from God”. Spare us… That only minimizes our pain, and we need our pain validated. The safest place you can be is to remain an active listener. That’s all I need anyway.

I will be writing more later.


Pamela AKA Adoptee In Recovery

I pray God helps me find my purpose in this world.

Smiling Through the Pain..

My oldest daughter let me know the other day she “KNEW I HATED THE HOLIDAYS”, and if I hate the holidays they will hate the holidays. It made me feel pretty bad. I guess I let my truth surface for awhile, where I’ve had to hide it my whole life.

I try REALLY hard to muzzle through but as soon as Fall approaches I start to dread the time of year where everyone talks about spending time with their “FAMILIES” when adoption has left me robbed of most of mine. It’s a REALLY tough time, and I know my kids don’t understand it. It’s left me in another situation where I feel bad, and it honestly takes everything in me just to get through another day. I never want them to feel my pain, but I know they feel it when I fail to pretend like I’m happy all the time.

The problem I’m having is that I don’t want those close to me like my kids, and my significant other to feel like they aren’t enough to make me happy. They are definitely enough to make me happy, but it’s more of an outside layer of happy.  They are the reason I get up every day.  The inside layer is still the broken hearted little girl searching for her mommy. In reality she’s never coming back. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I know she’s not coming back. She’s dead for God’s sake so why do I still keep feeling this way?

“LET IT GO!”… Well let me just say, if it was that easy for me don’t you think I would love to just LET IT GO! Society takes away my right to grieve growing up, and as an adult I had to do the work and GET SOBER ( speaking for myself) and decided I was going to FEEL THE PAIN of losing my first family and everything that goes along with it, we’re told by the world to just “GET OVER IT”. Do you not understand this only causes pain to our already unrecognized TRAUMA?  Loss is LOSS, and everyone deserves to grieve their loss. I write. I share my story. Don’t think for a minute all I do is sit around and cry all day long about being adopted and how much it sucks! I have a life, I have a career, I have my kids, my man, my church family & friends. On the outside I’m happy but I want to be happy on the inside too. That is why I’m in recovery. That’s why I write. That’s why I’m on a healing journey. I’ve been on this journey for 3 years, and it’s not getting ANY EASIER! Only harder, but no one said it would be easy. The more I step forward, the more layers are pealed. The more messed up I think I am. Why would anyone really want to be bothered with me? I just can’t believe anyone would really want to “keep me” knowing all the deep rooted emotional issues I have with this adoption experience. This way of thinking is challenging because it’s hard to build relationships when I feel like EVERYONE is going to THROW ME AWAY!

I think the inside layer of trauma that occurred at the beginning of life, and the added pain of being told she “loved me SO much” & believing she would come find me has all left me flat on my face since I’ve been living in recovery. The real truth is surfacing. Lies are being exposed and my TRUTH is being revealed.

My birth mother didn’t love me and she was NEVER coming back!

It’s the holidays, and many people have trouble during the holidays… Not just adoptees. I recognize this. But I speak from an adoptee in recovery’s standpoint so that’s why I write about what I do. I know other adoptees can feel my pain.

So today, and every day I will continue to smile through the pain for those around, and take comfort in the fact that God knows my broken heart. He knew it when I was a little girl, and he knows it now. Smiling through the pain is hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry, I cry when I drive because I’m alone. I know the people driving next to me think I’m crazy, I don’t care. I cry at work, I cry when no one is looking. God knows my cries. I’m asking him for healing. I know he can do it.

I just had to get this off my chest. Today, I’m still the broken hearted little girl wishing her mommy would come back and there isn’t usually a 5 minute period I don’t think about HER!…  But I will continue to smile through the pain for others.  It’s so exhausting, but my kids are worth it and they deserve a happy mom. I long for the day where I’m happy inside. Thank GOD I have HOPE!

Can any of my fellow adoptees relate? How do you make it though the holidays?. XO

-Pamela Jones

2 Years 4 Months SOBER!


The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother

It’s amazing to finally be able to put a name to the way this lady is. I’ve always had an extremely difficult time explaining her characteristics over the years and when I do almost everyone I know can’t fully grasp what I’m explaining unless they experience it themselves. It makes it rather challenging to explain WHY I can’t have a relationship with her today but none the less I’ve let go of my need to explain it, unless someone specifically asks.

After doing some research on “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” I was overwhelmed in a sort of a good way with the similarities that my adoptive “mother” has with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I say overwhelmed, because finally I’m able to understand better. I needed these answers to be able to put some pieces together as to why she is the way she is. This has helped me gain a better understanding of why my childhood and life was the way it was when she was in it.

Here are some questions that were asked to me and almost every one fits my adoptive mother to the perfect description.

Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:

(X)= This is something I continuously experienced with my adoptive mother over my lifetime.

  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? (X)- ALL THE TIME!
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own? (X) – 100% OF THE TIME!
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you? (X) YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER!
  4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? (X) – ALL ABOUT HER!
  5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?” (X) YES! SHE BELIEVES SHE GETS CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE. GOD GET’S MY GLORY. NOT HER. SHE DROVE ME INSANE MY WHOLE LIFE.
  6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother? (X) – YES YES YES! WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL.
  7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you? – (X) YES! SHE USED ME FOR ENTITLEMENT REASONS, AND FOR ME TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BE HER SLAVE.
  8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see? (X)- YES, THEN BRAGS ABOUT IT!
  9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel? (X) – YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER! ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
  10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? (X)- YES, SHE’S NEVER IN THE WRONG, EVER.
  13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? (X)- YES AND I HAD TO PAY FOR THIS FOR 31 YEARS OF MY LIFE UNTIL I ESCAPED.
  14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? (X) I KNOW I WAS A SLAVE TO HER! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON SHE ADOPTED ME.
  15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? (X) YES, SHE WAS AND STILL IS SICK EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE AND IT WAS ALWAYS PROJECTED ON ME AS A CHILD AND GROWING UP. I WAS RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.
  16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child? (X) ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!  ADD EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL TO THIS LIST!
  17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother? (X)
  18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you? (X)
  19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? (X) I FEEL HORRIBLE AROUND HER!
  20. Are you shamed often by your mother? (X) NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH.
  21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you? (X) NO, SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY.
  22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her? (X) YES, ALWAYS HAS! CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SINGLE SITUATION!
  23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother? (X) GROWING UP, YES. NOW, NO..I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY!
  24. Does your mother appear phony to you? (X) YES!
  25. Does your mother want to control your choices? (X) YES!
  26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood? (X) MORE DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME. DRAINING TO ME. AGAIN ALL ABOUT HER.
  27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child? (X) YES! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!
  28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother? (X) YES!
  29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are? (X) YES! IT’S ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE CAN “GET” OUT OF YOU.
  30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr? (X) VICTIM MENTALITY ALL THE WAY ALL THE TIME.
  31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel? (X) SHE DID GROWING UP, NOW I’M MY OWN PERSON AND I CAN SHARE MY FEELINGS SINCE I ESCAPED HER WRATH.
  32. Does your mother compete with you? (X) OF COURSE! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  33. Does your mother always have to have things her way? (X) YES!
  34. A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others). (X) YES! ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT IS HER SELF!
  35. Is obsessed with him- or herself. (X) YES!
  36. Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated. (X) YES! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  37. Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships. (X) YES, SHE HAS MY WHOLE LIFE!
  38. Becomes furious if criticized. (X) YES YES YES! SHE TURNS INTO A 2 YEAR OLD LITERALLY!
  39. Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
  40. Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
  41. Requires extreme admiration for everything. (X) YES, AND FOCUSES SOLY ON HER SELF.
  42. Feels entitled – has unreasonable expectations of special treatment. (X) YES, AND REFERS TO WHAT SHE’S DONE FOR YOU AS TO WHY SHE SHOULD GET IT.
  43. Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs. (X) ALWAYS! SHE DOES NOTHING UNLESS SHES GETTING SOMETHING IN RETURN.
  44. Has zero empathy – cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others. (X) ITS ALL ABOUT HER!

Note: All of these questions related to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.

Narcissistic Parent Glossary and Terms:

Narcissistic Attachment: is the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as a particular status.

Parentification: is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.

Infantilization: using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the Narcissistic Parent.

Triangulation: a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. For example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the Narcissistic Parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic Supply: is a term used to designate the manner in which narcissists require, feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a Narcissist. Children, small children, of narcissists are used as an ongoing source of this attention.

Gaslighting: a way in which Narcissistic Parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is actually green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

Narcissistic Rage: Narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a Narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children.

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Let me just say that no matter how my adoptive mom was, I still experienced the trauma of being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life. So many people say, “Oh, she had a bad adoption experience…That explains it all” Well…….That “Bad Experience’ more like a nightmare began the day I was born. The moment I was swept away from my birth mother and I laid in a nursery for 4 days all alone. That moment I experienced the biggest trauma of my life. That moment my history was erased, my weight and height didn’t matter. My biological roots were a mere part of my past that no one wanted to recognize. I was never supposed to find out where I came from. The moment I was separated from my birth mother I was considered a blank slate. My little body was just in existence, waiting to be formed and molded into what “THEY” wanted me to be. It didn’t matter that I just lost my mommy, the woman who carried me for 9 months in her belly.

The home where I stayed with my adoptive mom felt like I was living in a world that’s almost indescribable. It’s very difficult for me to explain to people all the hell I went through in her home. After her and my adoptive dad divorced when I was a year old, my adoptive sister and I were the center of her world. She wanted to be a mother SO BAD, yet failed to deliver in providing us with a loving home. Everything from day one was about HER. Now that I’m 40 years old and I look back over my childhood I feel as if I was almost kept captive in her home. Formed and molded into what she wanted me to be. She caused every problem there ever was in that home. I never had 5 minutes to JUST BE A KID. Every time I would run off to play, she would shout my name. She had more tasks and cleaning for me to do- EVERY SINGLE DAY! This was the same when I would try to go outside to play, or turn the T.V. on to a kid station. She was so overly emotional, and cried every single day of my life. She was addicted to prescription pain pills, stayed in bed all the time, depressed. Her moods changed in an instant, and she was often suicidal and made sure my adoptive sister and I knew she was attempting to kill herself so we would cry and BEG her not to. I remember being hysterical on multiple occasions thinking she was going to die, including the time she laid in the middle of the street while we watched in horror from our 3rd floor apartment window. I will never forget these things. She made sure we knew all of her adult problems, she talked about everyone, she started trouble between everyone in her family and she absolutely THRIVES ON BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SITUATION!

One of the biggest reasons I lost respect for this lady is because she ALWAYS spoke negatively about my adoptive dad. In my 40 years of life, he has never said one word about her negatively to me, neither has his wife. I was always faced with situations where she was speaking bad about him. He was a great adoptive father, and he provided for us, paid child support, and did all he was supposed to do. I supposed she was trying to gain brownie points for all the negative talk about him but all it did was make me feel even more alone, and worse than ever. She took her personal feelings and made them my business when I shouldn’t have ever known about their issues. I see a lot of mothers do this about fathers, not even in adoption and little do they know it makes the child feel negatively about themselves. That’s their father, you had a child with him no matter how it came about. Kids are NOT responsible for ADULT consequences. She always made her issues our issues. This was a heavy load to carry as a child and I remember this happening as far back in my childhood as I can remember.

My adoptive mom played my adoptive sister and I against each other. We never stood a chance at being sisters, because she always had one of us who was the “Good Kid” and the other was “The Bad Kid”. This created a constant battle field in our home. My adoptive sister (she came from a different family) has always hated my guts because her and my adoptive mom used to fist fight all the time, and I was the odd ball out who was always trying to rescue and comfort my adoptive mom. She would cry hysterical and I didn’t know what else to do besides sit there, next to her and take care of her. I would rub her back, and say “It’s okay mommy, everything’s going to be okay”. Just typing those words makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH. This wasn’t once in a blue moon, this was every single day of my childhood. This created a deep rooted resentment in my adoptive sister because she felt like the “Bad Kid” and I was the “Good Kid”. This is described in the narcissistic information above, and it describes my childhood to a tee. It was hell living in that home.

My adoptive mom was a horrible housekeeper. She couldn’t cook a hot meal and serve it all at once. Everything was always a mess, and her adoptive kids more like little house slaves were in charge of catering to her every need. I remember over and over she would call us from far away to go fetch things for her, and this happened even if she was closer than we were. Yeah, I know. Lots of kids “fetch” things for their parents, but she was overly excessive with it! Every five minutes we were fetching things.

Her life was consumed with us and what we could do for her. If we tried to do what kids do, she put an end to it. We would get up extra early on a Saturday morning to try to watch cartoons, as soon as she would wake up she would make us turn the TV off and she had a list of chores for us to do the size of a poster board. I’m not kidding! This started at a very early age. If we tried to go outside to play she had more chores for us to do, so on occasion we would sneak. I remember the feeling so vividly because we wouldn’t be outside 5 minutes and she would come screaming for us to get in the house, but that few minutes of FREEDOM was the best feeling in the world, even when I knew it was only going to be a few minutes before it was over. Back inside living in hell, serving and catering to this lady who I’m supposed to call “Mom”. When things didn’t go her way, she would tie us to chairs with dish towels. I remember this very clear and I never understood what I did that was so bad to deserve this. I will never forget being tied to those chairs as a little girl. She would make us give her massages, all over her body. She said her body hurt all the time, so our job was to help her pain go away, (even when she was loaded on prescription pain pills). Every single day we had to rub her back, her feet & her legs. She even had us pop pimples & black heads on her back, and this traumatized me for life! She used to lie on the bathroom floor and make us give her enemas. What normal human being makes their kids do these things? This woman is truly disgusting and I will never forget the things she made us do. These things are NOT NORMAL.

Things got rocky when things didn’t go her way. As we got older the fights escalated and got out of hand. Why was there so much fighting going on in this home? I mean physical fighting between my adoptive mom and my adoptive sister AND between my adoptive sister and I. As I’ve gotten older it’s been made apparent to me that this woman never should have been allowed to adopt children.

I sat my adoptive dad down one day a few years ago. I had a heart to heart with him. I asked him “WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?!! WHY WAS SHE ALLOWED TO ADOPT CHILDREN? WHY DID YOU LEAVE US WITH HER WHEN YOU DIVORCED?” I needed these answers!!!

He sat at my dining room table, and held my hand and said how sorry he was. He said she fought him tooth and nail in court to get custody, and all the judge would give him was visitation & holidays. He said that I came REAL close to not being adopted. My older sister was adopted a year earlier, and my adoptive mom had an extremely difficult time taking care of her, and struggled each day to parent her as a new born baby and the weeks, and months to follow. She could barely take care of her. Then they got the call for me. My adoptive dad said my adoptive mom had to go to a psychiatrist before they agreed they wanted to adopt me. For whatever reason they decided she would be able to parent me, on top of a 1 year old so the adoption was granted from a private attorney and granted. I went home with them 4 days after I was born and they divorced when I was 1 year old. I know for certain I could have never bonded with this lady. As much of a basket case as she was as far back as I can remember, I know she was even worse when I was a newborn baby. I’m glad I have some answers, but I wish my adoptive dad would have fought harder to get custody of us!!!

As we grew into our early teen years, things got worse. Fighting got worse, everything got worse. My adoptive sister escaped and went to live with my adoptive dad. I got stuck in my adoptive moms home because I felt sorry for her, and I knew if she was left alone she very well may commit suicide as she had tried this so many other times. She made sure to manipulate us, and she always made it known that her feelings are something we are responsible for. I learned later in life, that’s ridiculous. All the way from being a young girl, I never had a healthy relationship around me and I never had a mother/daughter relationship or a bond. I could never share my feelings with her, because it was ALWAYS about her, her feelings, her drama, & her issues. I was just in existence to cater to her needs, her wants and her desire to be labeled “MOTHER”. That seems the only purpose I served in her life. When I was in my early teens I remember her talking about never wanting to go to a nursing home. She would explain over and over all the “bad things” she saw in nursing homes, and would constantly bring up the fact that she never wanted to live in a nursing home. She mentioned me being her POA, and would throw hints my way over and over that her intentions were for me to be her POA and for her to live with me as she grew into an elderly woman, and then she wouldn’t have to go to a nursing home. As I got older, I realized her speaking about this would increase, as well as all her health issues, sickness, and emotional hang ups. She was sick every single day of my life. I never remember her saying, “I feel great today!”. NEVER! There was always a reason for her to take pills, and stay in bed, depressed. Pills were everywhere lying all over the place. I hated it!

Nothing changed as I got older, and I had kids. She just began to project her misery onto my children, and started to find ways to manipulate my own kids against me. They saw her unhealthy and sleeping all the time. She made them give her massages. They saw her messy lifestyle, with bottles of pills laying all around. It was up to me to save them from what I had to experience growing up.

I’m glad her dreams were fulfilled, at least for 31 years, until I got up enough courage to pack up a 22 foot U-Haul and move my kids and I across the country. I’m 40 now.   This was the hardest decision of my life, because at that moment I knew I had to do this for my kids, not just for myself. My adoptive mom Mommy Dearest was a professional at creating co-dependent relationships, and she thrived on me needing her for different things. She knew I needed her help babysitting, but when I started seeing her treat my kids the same way she did us growing up, I knew I had to come up with an escape plan. I know this may sound dramatic to some, but I truly felt like I had to ESCAPE her WRATH once and for ALL!

I began planning the move across the country. She began to play mind games with my kids, talking bad about me behind my back. I remember the day I loaded the 22 foot U-Haul with no support from anyone in the whole wide world, accept my best friend. I could have never done it without her!! I planned to drive across the country, drop our stuff off in storage, and fly back to pick up my kids. I wanted to talk to them every day so they wouldn’t think I left them or abandoned them. This fucking bitch turned her ringer off and wouldn’t let me talk to my kids AT ALL the entire 3 days I was gone. Finally she answered my call from someone else’s phone, and I let her have it! That was the last straw for me, with her and her sick minded manipulation games. I will never forget it, because I wanted to make sure my kids knew exactly what I was doing, and where I was. I wanted to tell them I loved them every day, but she stopped it from happening.

I have forgiven this lady, but in the process of me forgiving her, I have had to accept the fact that she stole my one chance at having a decent mother. She stole my childhood, and any happiness I would have had as a child. Now, she thinks she has some “Grandparent” rights to my kids. She wants to come visit them, and continue on with a sick and unhealthy relationship with them. Every time she visits, she turns my flipping house upside down. It’s like the devil shows up and my door, and comes whipping through my home like a tornado. It’s insane how ONE PERSON can cause so many problems. After her last visit, she’s not welcome around me, or in my home. She’s a VERY BIG trigger to me, actually the biggest in my life. I’m living in recovery going on 2.5 years from alcohol abuse, and drug abuse for numbing my LIFES ISSUES, ADOPTION BEING THE ROOT! I can’t chance my recovery and have someone in my life whos a huge trigger like she is. My Christian counselor has told me its okay to not have her in my life. I don’t owe her ANYTHING! Now, I have to try to do my best to explain all this to my kids, who ARE impacted by my adoption experience. They are VERY MUCH IMPACTED!

My adoptive moms family has recently disclosed to me that they feel like “SHE WAS BORN WITH EVIL IN HER BODY!.” After discovering I believe she’s suffering from extreme narcissism, and bipolar disorder, depression and an addiction to prescription pain pills It’s has brought me some understanding on how ONE PERSON can do so much damage. If I was to sit and try to have a calm talk with her about all the damage she’s done to me in my life, she would turn into a 2 year old literally! She has never admitted when she was wrong, or made any changes to get help for her behavior. She’s sick, and mentally ill and I have to keep her away from me. The thought of her coming back into my life sends complete and total FEAR into my body. It takes me back to my childhood, and being that scared little girl who needed a mommy, but I was too busy caring for her and her needs, I was robbed of a mother all together but left constantly taking care of her needs. She never adopted for me, she adopted for her selfish desires, and today I have no mother.

Every day I’m reminded of this. When I found my birth mother, I sat and had one talk with her. I wanted for this day my entire life. Her question to me was, “So tell me about your life?”. I remember not having much good to say. I told her my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. My adoptive mom and I never got along, I was in and out of group homes, and juvenile lock up. I guess she wanted me to share some “WONDERFUL STORY”. But because I didn’t have one, this is something she took deeply to heart. I know because I was told she was REALLY upset that she was promised I would have 2 parents and my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. If that was the case, she would have raised me herself! She was VERY upset about this, and after this meeting she shut me out and never spoke to me again. I can’t help but try to put myself in her shoes, and feel the shame, guilt and sorrow she must have felt when she learned the life that she had planned to be so much “BETTER” than the one she could give me wasn’t better at all. I was told this crushed her. She passed away, and rejected a relationship with me after meeting that one time. I can’t help but hold my adoptive “mom” somewhat responsible because once again, she stole so much from me. Even the one chance I had at beginning a relationship with my birth mother was STOLEN because my adoptive “mom” FAILED at being a MOTHER!

Where has this left me? MOTHER-LESS! My kids are GRANDMOTHER-LESS. I was forced to make a decision where I felt I had to move across the country from this unhealthy sick human being, and then it leaves us all with constant reminders of what adoption has taken. I have no relationship with my adoptive sister today. My narcissistic adoptive “mom” made sure she ruined any and all chances of us ever being close by playing us against each other all the way back to the beginning of my life. That;s another loss, and my kids have had to experience this loss also. Bottom line, I can’t have UNHEALTHY relationships in my life!!! There is no hope that my birth mother will be in my life, or my kids. Adoption made sure of that.

My adoptive mother fits all these things perfectly.

 Maternal Narcissism

Every single day, every holiday, every minute I’m reminded of what adoption has taken from me. I’m on a healing journey, and more and more is revealed daily. I’m thankful God is revealing it, but I hope some adoptive parents, and biological parents, and adoptees can read this and learn that adoption isn’t all rainbows for some of us! I’m thankful for my blog. I’m thankful for this place where I can share my feelings, even when some of my entries are entirely too long! This is the ONLY place I have to share it. And not one single person in my life, adoptive or biological family reads this place. I don’t think they could handle the truth, and if they did read it I would be left once again defending myself as to WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO. I’m thankful God has given me my adoptee VOICE. I’m thankful for all of my church family God has put in my life who may not “Get it” but they listen to me, and support me no matter what. I’m thankful for my relationships with my kids, and a very special man I have in my life. They all tell me, that when they look at me they can see my mind never stops racing. If only they could experience the thoughts in my mind for a 5 minute period, they would understand me so much better. I don’t believe there’s any way they could handle it, because almost all the thoughts in my head are FEAR related to my adoption experience. Fear of people leaving me, fear of EVERYTHING! I guess I need to keep reminding myself when I’ve lost EVERYTHING there isn’t much else I can lose, even when it feels like it. You see, even in the middle of living this nightmare of a life I didn’t have any control over, I ESCAPED & I’M THANKFUL FOR THAT! But let me say, I will never be able to be THANKFUL for being ADOPTED. Adoption has stolen too much from me. I hate being adopted with every bit of my being.

 I would have rather had my REAL MOTHER and lived in a CARD BOARD BOX than been assigned to my ADOPTIVE MOM and lived in HELL ON EARTH in her home. IJS!

 Now I have a choice what I’m going to do with all of this pain. God has let me know that our pain is someone else’s gain. So here I am, sharing my journey in hopes to reach other adoptees so they know they aren’t alone. I have so much more to say, but TODAY I have to head out to work.

If you made it this far, THANKS FOR READING!

Let me know you were here and if you can relate to any of what I’ve experienced or my feelings. Did you have a narcissistic adoptive parent? Was it the adoptive father or adoptive mother? Or both? How did this make you feel?

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google PodcastsiTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Thank you for reading! 

Pamela A. Karanova

Adoptee Controlling Me…

One of the things I’ve recently discovered about myself is my need to control my life and the fact that it’s increasingly becoming an obsession and an issue as I recover on this healing journey. I would love to know if any other adoptees can relate to what I’m about to share?

The most important step is me admitting that this is becoming an issue for me. I know that this symptom of controlling my own life is rooted in FEAR. I shared in my previous blog post my revelations on my life I’ve had over the last few weeks. It’s been a pretty tough time, but I’m trying to remember that God reveals things as he sees fit. Not as PAMELA sees fit. I’m peeling layers of the onion back, and those layers didn’t get there overnight so they will take TIME to heal and be peeled.

I’ve always known that when I have something planned, I get a  level of anxiety about the event until it’s over. I start to obsess over it and my mind races just anticipating the event. I’ve done this for a long time. I now realized that this is based on my FEAR of losing control over something associated with the event and my life. It takes over my mind, but as soon as the event is over I’m at peace. I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about fear losing control over these events and my life. Over the last year or so I have noticed I start to plan my day before the day even comes. Time & planning has become a MAJOR factor in me controlling my own life. I think being on time is a great quality to have, and planning is another one. I am TOP NOTCH in these areas. Where I see my problem at is when this begins to impact me in a negative way, and in return it impacts those around me in a negative way. I’ve even realized that I’m 100% self employed because I want to CONTROL that area of my life also! Hey, it works for me!

LISTEN UP: I do NOT have a need to control other’s lives. I do NOT care what other people are doing with their time. What I care about is MY TIME and MY LIFE and MY NEED TO CONTROL IT. The problem is when others innocently conflict with me controlling my time and my life. This has been such a weird revelation to me, but makes total sense at the same time. I get a lot of anxiety because OTHER PEOPLE don’t live up to my expectations on time and they innocently not even knowing it, cause a rift between me controlling my own life and MY TIME. I MEAN ANXIETY! Fear takes over my body, and I get angry, upset and feel like I’m losing control and it’s a scary feeling. This is rooted in FEAR.

When I say this obsession is rooted in FEAR I mean that when I was born, and all these decisions were made for my life it impacted me in a negative way. Other “people” controlled everything about EVERYTHING to do with my life. They controlled how I looked, where I lived, my feelings, who I could act like, who I could LOVE, all of my medical records, my ancestry, my roots, heritage, my history was all controlled by others. Every aspect of being an adoptee was controlled by others. I have learned that I’ve sheltered myself from most close relationships and I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone for fear of losing some control over my life, because when there are more people that’s less of a chance that I can control things for MY LIFE, MY WAY!


Let me just say that I believe most people may want to be in control over their lives, BUT when it’s causing me problems I know I’ve gone overboard. I’ve uncovered this past week that my life is rooted in FEAR. That fear is paralyzing. Fear of people leaving me, fear of losing control of my life when I FINALLY have CONTROL over something. I’m in FEAR of people abandoning me. I’m in FEAR that people don’t really love me. I’m in FEAR that if I let people in I will lose control over controlling my life.  FEAR FEAR FEAR. I never would have thought that of all my issues God would reveal my entire life is being controlled by fear. One of these “fear” episodes can ruin an entire day for me & it’s exhausting!

I know FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. It’s one of his number one tactics to take us under. He wants me to isolate myself, to have bad relationships and to be alone. He wants me to be haunted by FEAR and to be PARALIZED by it. He’s done a pretty good job so far, but THE DEVIL IS A LIE. I refuse to live in this bondage of FEAR and I am now at a place where this is the next step I’m going to work on.

It took me the first 2 years of my recovery journey of living in sobriety to finally come to a place of acceptance of my adoptee journey, I’ve forgiven my birth mother when I was so ANGRY at her. I have accepted that I will never have a mother. These were all very difficult things to work through and God is still healing me daily. But now that another layer of the onion has been peeled, and I realize I still have more to work on I feel like I’m at the bottom of the mountain again. Each day I will wake up and focus on conquering the devil who’s trying to control my mind, my thoughts and my life! FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. The closer I get with God, the more my fear will fade. I have accepted this may take a lifetime.

When our entire lives are traumatized by our adoption experience I’ve accepted it may take an entire lifetime to heal. My next move is documenting and identifying my triggers that result in these fear episodes. It literally paralyzes me! My entire body and mind locks up and I get REALLY quiet, and my mind totally races, I get sick to my stomach, I can’t think of anything else but what FEAR I’m experiencing. Keep in mind this is mentally exhausting!!!  I’m still in AWE that God has revealed this to me. I’m honestly THANKFUL because I do NOT WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FEAR OF PEOPLE LEAVING ME AND LOSING CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!

Today, I’m thankful for Celebrate Recovery, and for the tools to work through these deep rooted emotional issues that stem from my adoption experience. I do have hope, but I know this isn’t going to be an easy fix. It’s a process.

“When God brings you to a new level be ready to experience a whole new devil!” – Joyce Meyer

This speaks volumes to me! I know as I grow, the devil is out to destroy me.The great thing is I’m suited up in my spiritual armor and I’m learning that each time I’m in fear of anything it IS the devil, so that means I need to SPEAK LIFE OUTLOUD and let the devil know he’s not in front of me, he’s behind me. He’s under my FOOT. He has NO POWER or control over my life.

My journey is one of healing and hope. I hope and pray that adoptees all over understand they aren’t alone and there is HOPE in healing from our adoption experiences. I’ve also experienced abuse in all forms aside from the adoption trauma I face daily. My hope comes from God because I know he alone is the one who can help me recovery.

I have many more examples of fear I’m going to share in future blog posts. Can any adoptees here relate to the FEAR I’m experiencing? Do you have a increased desire to control your own life?

-Pamela Jones AKA Adoptee In Recovery

Discovering My Fears…

I’m a pretty positive person. I am thankful every day I’m able to HEAR the alarm, SEE the clock, and my feet are PHYSICALLY able to hit the floor. Not once in a while, but every day!  When you care for elderly who are more than humble with physical limitations it helps you see what many people take for granted. I don’t take those simple things for granted. When I arrive at my home on a cold winter day, walk inside and the warm air hits my face I’m humbly reminded that so many don’t have a home to go to, let alone a warm one. Bottom line is, I’m thankful.

Most of my heartaches in life I save to share here in my blog, and at Celebrate Recovery, (CR). At CR I share some of my biggest hurts because it’s a safe place where I’m able to do this without judgment and condemnation. My blog is also a safe place for me, because no one tells me how to feel here. It’s all me, my feelings based on my life’s experiences.

As I pray and ask God to REVEAL things to me, that I need to work on one thing that God has brought to my attention this past week is that I’m operating in complete FEAR of abandonment & rejection based on my history and the things I’ve been through in life. It’s been a “AH-HA” week for me, and a rather emotionally exhausting one. I have always said, “I don’t live in FEAR because I have FAITH”. Well that is a lie. I uncovered some truths about myself and why I am the way I am, and living in FEAR is a big part of my life. I never realized it until now. I know this is in part because I spend my whole life numbing my pain with alcohol. From 12-37 I drank to cope, and on August 12, 2012 I started a recovery ministry. I have 2 years sobriety now and feelings are REAL! Feelings I never felt before because alcohol was a big part of my life. I never faced my issues until I stopped drinking. Many people, and adoptees depend on substances to numb the pain! This is hardcore deep rooted pain we experience!

You see, when we start a recovery journey it’s like peeling back layers of an onion. But we have to recognize how those layers got there. One by one, event after event, the layers built up over time, over our lives and we have YEARS OF LAYERS to work through. This is no QUICK FIX. The first 2 years of my recovery journey I worked on forgiving my birth mother, accepting my adoption experience, and forgiving my adoptive parents for lying to me my whole life. I still have work to do, but it took me 2 whole years just to address those few issues.  I’m just now healing at 40 years old because I spent 38 years being told I should be grateful for being adopted. Because of this I always feeling like something was wrong with ME because I was far from grateful for losing my first family and my history. So here I am, healing slowly. After I processed much of my feelings the first 2 years, and asked God to come in and heal me by working the 12 Steps in Celebrate Recovery (similar to AA but biblically based) God began to reveal more to me. Little by little he keeps revealing more. He knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! I also heard Joyce Meyer say in a CD series I’m listening to about fear, “When God takes you to a new level, you’re about to see a NEW DEVIL!”.  Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy so he doesn’t want to see us overcome! He doesn’t want us to HEAL! He will throw as much FEAR at us as possible! So it’s critical to recognize it and WORK ON IT! I don’t know about YOU, but I’m TIRED OF LIVING IN FEAR!

By God revealing that I am living in FEAR it’s opened up the door way for me to step on into a place of processing WHY I’m in FEAR and acknowledge that my FEAR is NORMAL for a life that has had some things happen that are NOT NORMAL. Let’s me be clear, HEALING IS ON MY MIND! I’m not going to sit up here and write in this blog and be ALL NEGATIVE about my PAST HURTS, without healing in mind. I’m sharing my feelings because I need this place for validation, and a release. I also want other adoptees to know they aren’t alone.


Now you may ask what am I in fear of?  I will go in more details in some of my next posts, but I’m in paralyzing FEAR of people abandoning me!  I’m in FEAR of people rejecting me! I’m in FEAR of people HURTING ME! I know, I know… Many people might say, “We all live in FEAR of some kind.”  I believe you are right, but the difference is I REFUSE TO CONTINUE TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! These fearful CRAZY episodes are WAY TO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. I do NOT want to live the rest of my life in bondage from FEAR based on my past situations. It’s critical I learn the triggers, and there is a list a mile long!

I will write in my next blog post about what this fear feels like to me. The fear from abandonment & rejection that have impacted EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE are ROOTED from being given up for adoption at the beginning of life. It’s rooted in being rejected by my birth parents, and when I found them they rejected me again. This is where my root issues stem from. In Celebrate Recovery we get to the ROOT ISSUES, so we call PULL THEM UP and ask God to heal them and move forward.

I’m also suffering with a increased desire to control my life, and it’s having a negative impact on me so that’s something else I’m about to work on and write about. When adoptees go their entire lives controlling NOTHING about decisions that were made for our lives THAT IMPACTED SO MUCH we want to CONTROL. The biggest thing I’ve noticed lately that’s having a negative impact on me is TIME and PLANNING. Surprisingly, I can also discover this having a root issue from my adoption experience. I WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE! ADOPTION CONTROLED EVERYTHING, NOW IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!! But as you can imagine, this has negative side effects. I will be sharing some in future blog posts.

I’m thankful for God bringing these things to my attention, and for the strength to share some of my struggles. Fear, Control, Abandonment & Rejection are tactics from the devil. He doesn’t want me to be free, but I’m determined to break out of these negative and dysfunctional thought patterns that have developed from my adoption experience & lifes experiences. It will take time but I’m excited to share my journey with you!

For the adoptees here, have you discovered you operate in FEAR? Or am I alone here?

-Adoptee In Recovery

**Adoptees will never be able to HEAL unless they DISCOVER their TRUTH**

When I Found Out I Was Adopted

My life changed in a major way when I found out I was adopted. I will never forget watching a TV program with my adoptive mom and seeing a woman who gave birth to a baby. Being curious as kids are, I made a comment to my adoptive mom, “Mommy, did I come out of your belly like that?”. I remember her response was something like this…

“No you didn’t come out of my belly. You came out of another woman’s belly. She loved you so much she wanted you to have a better life so she gave you to me to raise.”

This was a moment I will never forget. I never understood how you love something but you give it away. I think back now and try to think of what my adoptive mom COULD have said that wouldn’t have had such a negative impact on me. As a 5 year old child I couldn’t comprehend this. I whole heartedly believe she did the right thing by telling me but the WAY she said it was something that had a negative impact on me my entire life.

I’m an adoptee who can say “I always knew I was adopted” because she did tell me. I believe back in the 70’s adoptive parents weren’t anywhere near equipped in how to tell your child their adopted, like they are now or how to handle “what to do” being adoptive parents. I’m not saying she meant to hurt me, but the way she told me would forever taint my view of love. When you love something you keep it, you don’t give it away. “She gave you to me to raise.”… I felt disposable, unlovable, and like a piece of property. This was the first moment in my life I began to search for my birth mother. I began to ask questions. Who was she? Where was she? How do I find her? I never EVER stopped asking about my birth mother.

As a 40 year old woman I look back over my journey, and I’ve tried to think of a way my adoptive mom could have told me that I was adopted that didn’t confuse me on such a deep level. I feel like giving something or someone away and associating it out of “Love” is far too confusing for a child to understand. It was total abandonment to me. This still has a deep rooted impact on me today. I feel like everyone in my life is going to abandon me.

I wish she would have said, “You have a biological mommy who couldn’t take care of you, so she found someone who could. That someone was me.” But see that type of answer would have come with more questions behind it. “Why couldn’t she take care of me?” is what I would have asked. And then the TRUTH would have come out. But I know from experience in living it, adoption secrets and lies are a big part of the adoption experience and a huge part of my pain. Everyone was “protecting” me from my own history. The fight to find my history all alone has caused me more heartache and pain than anyone could imagine.

I wish I was never told my birth mother loved me. She didn’t love me. The adoption industry as a whole seems to always want to speak for birth mothers. Once I acknowledged this TRUTH it was easier of me to let go of the pain and move forward and heal.

“You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there” (Jeremiah 6:14)


That’s not love. The shenanigans of her “Loving me so much she gave me away” could have saved me a whole lot of heartache if the truth was told. I’m not saying they could have told me she didn’t love me. Of course everyone would like to think she did. It is definitely a more pleasant thought. But her actions after I found her and she rejected me after meeting one time showed me otherwise. The entire story of how I was conceived was my TRUTH and after learning that, I was able to gain a better understanding of WHY she chose to give me up for adoption. I needed my truth to move forward with my life and to be able to accept it for what it is.


Let me add, I will always be thankful my adoptive mother was honest about telling me. If she didn’t tell me it would nothing short of holding someones identity hostage, and if it were me I could never live with myself or do that to someone. For the adoptive parents who make the choice not to tell their adoptive kids their adopted, I feel you are making a huge mistake. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. Adding the trauma of being lied too your whole life is beyond devastating on the adoptee. Being adopted is hard enough on it’s own.

For the adoptive parents who may be reading; How did you tell your adopted child they were adopted? Where did you get your advice from? If you haven’t told them, what are you waiting for?

For the adoptees here, how were you told you were adopted? How did it make you feel?

-Adoptee In Recovery


Somewhere Out There..


This picture totally hit home for me…

I share quite frequently how much the SKY means to me. It’s the closest thing I ever had to my birth mothers love and comfort and as a little girl the sky brought me that closeness I always desired to have with her even when she was so far away.

I remember having a deep desire to have her close to me… But where was she? I remember searching for her everywhere I went.

I was visiting my adoptive aunt when I was about 5 years old, not long after I found out I was adopted. I remember feeling so out of place as I usually did and this particular day I was feeling an “extra” deep sense of sadness longing for my birth mother. I just wanted her close to me. I remember taking off walking out the door with the intentions to never return. My plan was that either my birth mother would find me OR the police would find me and return me to the right person, my real mommy. I remember thinking “They have to know who my real mommy is so they can return me to her.” I walked blocks which seemed like miles for a 5 year old. I remember a woman approached me asking me where I was headed and soon after the police were called but instead of being returned to my birth mother,  my adoptive mother was contacted and she arrived to pick me up. I didn’t dare express what the shenanigans was all about. She wouldn’t understand anyway. She scolded me for “running away” and told me to never do it again. I suffered in silence because no one understood my pain.

From that moment forward I remember always wanting to be outside because the SKY brought me something special. Something I wasn’t able to get anywhere else, not even from the woman that adopted me. Day after day I dreamed of the woman that gave me life. I longed for her touch, her words, her comfort. I fantasized what she may look like and smell like. What were her favorite things in life? What kind of personality did she have?  Did I take after her and look like her? Was she tall and skinny like me? I would almost always daydream about my birth mother but almost always I was staring at the SKY when this would happen. It brought me a sense of peace knowing my birth mother was somewhere out there under the same sky I was.

The sky was my baby blanket. It was my comforter. Through my childhood the SKY gave me hope that one day my birth mother was going to come find me. I never gave up on this hope as a little girl.

Once I reached my teen years It was made apparent to me that my expectations were based on a false hope, and I became angry & mad at the world. I became hopeless and I felt as if my birth mother didn’t really love me because if she did she would have come to find me. This discovery was the biggest heartache of my life. Of all the people who love you in this world, your MOTHER should be #1 on the top of your list. Your MOTHER loves you the most and unconditionally when everyone else fails you. Your MOTHER teaches you everything you know and she’s supposed to be your best friend and someone you run to when you need advice and encouragement. But not my M O T H E R…

She passed me over to strangers…
She didn’t want a relationship with me…
She didn’t want to get to know me…
She didn’t love me or she would have wanted me in her life…
She died not even acknowledging me as her daughter. I didn’t count for ANYTHING. ..

I’ve had to accept this. But sugar coating the truth ONLY prolonged my chance to heal. I have a VERY hard time accepting the fact that PEOPLE stood in the way of my healing all by holding my TRUTH HOSTAGE. Who on earth can truthfully say that it’s okay to withhold information about an adoptees HISTORY?

But now as a 40 year old woman I’m living my life for me and my kids. The pain is still there…But my love for the sky is stronger than ever. As a Christian woman, I believe God reveals us things through the sky. Looking back over my life I believe all the way back to being that 5 year old little girl God was speaking to me through the sky. It was HIM providing me with all the comfort I was experiencing. It wasn’t just a coincidence. I wholeheartedly believe his comfort and love is what was shining down on me. Every time I look at the SKY I’m reminded of all those years as a little girl, dreaming of my birth mother and the SKY bringing me comfort when nothing else in this world could. It still think of my birth mother looking at the beauty in the SKY but now the hope is gone, faded into the day or night. The hope died when my birth mother died.
Now I’m reminded that no matter what life’s circumstances bring us GOD’S LOVE continues forever and ever. His love is the love that’s unconditional & he loves us with no conditions.  It’s the beginning and the end. It expands to every depth of our lives no matter what our earthly parents choose. Today, looking at the SKY I have a different kind of hope. The kind input in God and he’s the ONE PERSON WHO’S NEVER LET ME DOWN. That’s a comforting thought and brings me peace.



Here are some pictures I’ve taken of the sky..