I was supposed to forget he existed but I have a biological father. His name is Jimmie Jones from Leon, Iowa. I’ve gotten to meet him 2x which is more than most adoptees will ever get. Although I’m extremely happy I finally got to see his face I still have many emotions associated with finding him, the reunion and post reunion. I truly feel the long term effects of adoption on the adoptee are negative consequences that we have to face ALONE are all based on others decisions for our lives. This is so not fair. Yeah, I know. Life isn’t fair!
I met my biological father for the first time in 2011. He knew nothing about me. I drove to his door step and introduced myself. I visited him about an hour, took his picture and off I went. FINALLY I got to see who I looked like. I’m writing today because even when I met him, and even went back a second time to meet him I am not settled with this. Every day he crosses my mind in some way. I think about the fact that he wants no relationship with me. He isn’t interested in getting to know me, not even a little bit. I scramble with the thoughts of “How can someone be so cruel?” How does a biological parent just dismiss their child like that? The world may wonder why so many adoptees have backwards views of love. When your own FLESH & BLOOD just tosses you to the side like a bag of garbage it’s really hard to comprehend anyone loves you. If everyone wants to get honest, let’s face it… Your mother and father of the world should love you the MOST out of everyone. For adoptees, that love is nowhere to be found. Their actions of handing us over to strangers, is all we know.
I know, I know… God loves me, he planned me, and he has a purpose for my pain. I do not deny this. But I also believe it’s critical to my healing that I identify my root issues. This whole adoption thing has a million little jagged edges to it. It’s not just a happy beautiful baby to complete a family. I have to live daily with the long term effects of others actions over my life.
Do you know how it feels to have a biological father out there, who you have been told has less than 5 years to live? But he doesn’t want you in his life? He could care less if I lived or died. My mind is swamped daily about “What If’s”. What if I was in his life, I would go visit him every year, and get to know him better and maybe one day take care of him? Maybe he would come to KY and visit my children and I? I will never know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. It truly crushes me that he would rather die without his only biological daughter in his life, just like my birth mother did. I will not be listed in his obituary either. I’m non-existent in their lives. This makes me feel invisible, like I shouldn’t even be here. No one understands how this feels unless you are an adoptee, and you have had to live through it. I know it’s coming.
Going to my birth mothers funeral and not being listed in her obituary was probably the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. And the fact that I know I will eventually have to go through it again with my birth father is just sickening to me. I wonder if my adopters thought about all these things when they adopted me? Did they even care? Or were they just out to get “THEIR BABY”. None of them has acknowledged my pain and I am resentful about that. It always has been and always will be about them and them taking me in when my own biological family didn’t want me.
My birth father has been on my mind a lot lately, so this is why I’m writing about it. My biological grandmother who I will never get to meet is also on my mind. Acceptance in this journey is a hard pill to swallow. I have accepted things, but I am still healing. I believe it will take a lifetime.
Thanks for reading!
Pamela Karanova 
Sometimes I think this gets worse as one ages. I can relate to most of this.
James- I’m still trying to figure all this out. Certain things “seem” to be getting easier, and other things not so much. It’s hard for me to fathom a MAN having a child and wanting absolutely nothing to do with it, and just flat out not caring. I remember the first and only time I met my birth mother, I asked her about my birth father. She was very stern in saying, “He didn’t know anything about you and he wouldn’t want too.” It’s amazing we go our whole lives believing that our biological parents “Love us so much” yet once we figure out our TRUTH it’s the polar opposite. I wish I would have known the TRUTH from the beginning, because it would have been many moons ago I would have been able to accept this and heal and move forward. Society’s idea of “Protecting the Adoptee” has done more harm than good. Today I can be thankful I fought like H*LL to find my TRUTH, and I will spend the rest of my life speaking on behalf of adoptees, and helping other adoptees find their truth. I will continue to share my journey with the world because when it’s all said and done, YOU CAN’T HEAL FROM ANYTHING IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR HEALING FROM… Lies and Secrets prevent healing. This is a fact. Thanks for being here James and for reading my blog!
How old are you if I may ask? Did you find all your family?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this. Growing up I always new I had a birth dad but he didn’t really cross my mind as much as my birth mum but when I did get in contact he wanted a dna test and didn’t want much to do with me and it killed me more than ever and still hurts every time I think of it. Was it so hard for him to see how much I hurt? No he called me childish! I didn’t have a childhood was that to hard for him to understand? I just wanted him to want me but it was to much to ask 😦
Sounds like our stories are so similar! No one should be rejected by their own parents! I think anything is better than feeling like you aren’t worth anything, even a relationship with your birth parents. Both rejected me and it’s been the biggest heartache of my life. I’m working hard at acceptance but I’m also going through the grieving process because I was denied growing up… It’s so hard!!!! I keep praying it will get easier but it’s only gotten harder.
So glad to have you here and I’m looking forward to sharing our journeys! That alone is healing! 🙂
I do agree I do think our stories are simular and I think it will help us realise that the way we do feel is ok to feel. Just wish they all understand the pain we go through “/ it’s so hard and we didn’t choose it. My adoptive parents understand it’s hard but it hurts them I have been searching for my birth parents xx
Yes, always remember our feelings are NORMAL for a NOT NORMAL situation. It’s NEVER NORMAL for a child to be ripped from their biological roots for whatever reason. That is NOT normal. Adoption is so complicated, so many different views, and complexities involved.
It’s unfortunate your adoptive parents are hurt by you wanting to search for your biological family. Just remember you deserve to know your answers. All of them. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it. They are adults in charge of their own feelings. They will be okay. 🙂 ❤
Thank you I just hate hurting other people because when I was little before I got taken away I was only up until I was 5 but I tried to keep everything together and I am doing the same now “/ but trouble is my body gets stressed out and I get in pain xxxx
I can’t find the option to leave a comment on your blog posts on your blog… you may have to play with the settings? ??
I will have a look xxx