2021 – A New Year, A New Chapter

It’s time to turn the page

We’re winding up 2020, which could very well be the worst year of many of our lives. It’s been so weird, in so many ways, that most of the time, I don’t even have the right words to share how this year has made me feel. Today I will do my best to try.

It’s been a year of feeling for me. It’s been a year of independence, growth, and prioritizing commitments. It’s been a year of pruning relationships out that no longer serve a purpose. It’s been a year to focus on being true to myself. It’s been a year to set boundaries and to bring visions to life. It’s been a year of isolation and aloneness. This year has been so complicated and filled with a million layers. I’ve experienced highs and lows and just about every emotion in between, as I’m sure many of us have.

But if you’re reading this, you made it, and I made it. We’ve survived. But I never want to forget all the people who didn’t. So many people have lost so much, and my heart truly aches for them and their families.

One of the things I can share is that this year, personally, hasn’t been a year that was much different for me than most years when it comes to feeling alone and isolated. I’ve been feeling that way my entire life, from adoption. I’ve talked to many adoptees, and they feel the same way. We’re the kings and queens of adaption. We’ve handled it like a camp, just blending in, in the background. Other’s of us completely lost our sh*t. I’ve experienced a mixture of both.

While this new transition has rocked the world of many, it’s not new for many of my fellow adoptees and me. I’ve learned to adapt to this way of life from as far back as I can remember. My adoptee experience is described as being alone on an island, and it’s just the way it is because it’s the way it’s been for my entire life.

While 2021 is right around the corner, I have several new topics I plan to write about this year. I’ve been slacking on writing on my website, but only because I have so many other things going on with Adoptees Connect, Inc. It’s hard to find the time, but writing is one of the most therapeutic healing tools I have yet to find, so I am making a recommitment to myself to pick back up on writing as a healing tool for myself.  

Some topics I hope to write about:

  • Religious Trauma Syndrome
  • Open Adoptions being Closed by AP’S
  • Religion & Adoption
  • Relinquishee vs. Adoptee
  • Adoptee in Recovery/AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery
  • Dual Mother Wounds for Adoptees
  • Healing Tools for the Mother Wound
  • Adoptees & Mental Health
  • Deconversion & Religion
  • Articles to Birth Parents & Adoptive Parents
  • Mother Nature AKA Mother Earth & Healing Adoptee Pain
  • Adoptee Attachment vs. Adoptee Connection
  • Generational Relinquishment & Adoption Trauma
  • Being Brave – Sharing Your Adoptee Story

These are just a few things that come to my mind. I’ve never written about some of these topics, yet only shared my feelings with a small circle of close friends. It’s taken me years of self-reflection and processing to get to a space where I feel comfortable sharing some of my feelings associated with these topics.

Adoption isn’t the only thing in life we come out of the fog about.

When adoptees come to a place in their journeys where they embrace a journey of sharing their voices, it’s so important the adoption community come together to support them. Getting to this space can take a lifetime for many of us.

This year has been one of the most challenging years of many of our lives, and I hope we exit out of 2020 with a newfound hope that 2021 has to be better. I haven’t set myself up for the false hope that as soon as midnight hits on 12/31/20 like a magic wand, everything will be back to “normal.” I don’t think the normal as we once knew it will ever return.

However, hope is on the horizon that things will be better. At least that’s what I’m hanging onto, a sliver of hope I’ve found among the fear, heartache, and pain I’ve experienced this year.

What are you looking forward to this year?

For me, I’m hopeful that in the early spring, our Adoptees Connect – Lexington, KY group will be back at meeting in person again.  I’m confident that I will have many more outdoor adventures, and my soul will be filled with the great outdoors, which brings me great joy. I’m hopeful love will continue to knock on my door, and be an experience that I’ve never had before. More memories with my kids will be made, and I feel I will cherish my health more, and I will continuously be consciously aware of what I consume, and put in my body. I will focus on my health, and happiness and not just what everyone sees on the outside either. I will continue to set hella boundaries, and I will stop explaining these boundaries to others, as well as stop explaining myself and my reasoning when most of the time, people could care less. I will take my time in responding, being on time and accurate because I can allow myself grace to make mistakes. I will tap the breaks when new people come into my life, so I can learn them before I make a decision to just let them in my life.

Not everyone deserves to be in our lives.

I feel the sorrow we’ve experienced in 2020 will linger on for a lifetime, however a new day will bring new joys. A new year will bring new goals. New people will bring new memories. Turning the page will allow us to embrace new challenges, new fears and new hopes for 2021. As you see, I’ve accepted that it might not be all rainbows and unicorns, and things won’t likely ever get back to “normal” however, I’ve also accepted that I have many things to look forward too and that’s where I hang my hat. Hope 2021 will be better than 2020.

I hope the same for you!

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my article. I wish you and your family a peaceful transition as we roll into 2021. A special THANK YOU to each of you who support my work, writings, and missions. Without you, I wouldn’t be here because your support means everything!

National Suicide Prevention Month, Mental Health Awareness Month & Positive Culture

September is National Suicide Prevention Month; October is Mental Health Awareness Month and I can’t help but put an emphasis on the adoptee community as these occasions approach. I’ve learned in my own personal journey, that one day I can be sitting on the mountains, living life to the fullest and the next day I can be navigating a downhill battle that last for hours, days, weeks and sometimes months.

Whatever I experience in life weather it be hardships, or things to celebrate I like to share them with people, especially the adoptee community. Let me be clear, I can’t even sit here and act like I have all my sh*t together. I don’t and the last 4-6 weeks of my life have been exceptionally difficult. I tend to stay to myself, I get quiet, I withdraw, and I embrace a season of solitude so I can “get myself together.”

As an adoptee, I can pour myself into areas where other people “need me” but when I need the same services, “Everything is fine.” I have no idea how to ask others for help when I’m down and out. I have learned by being adopted, suffering in silence is what feels natural and normal to me because I’ve been doing that my whole life.

It is my normal.

However, I recently am trying to change things to be an example to others. I know it will be easier said than done, because I’ve been isolating and embracing seasons of aloneness for 46 years when I have adoptee problems. It’s hard to just “step out of the boat” and say, “EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! I AM NOT OKAY.”

We’ll today I decided I want to be transparent with a few areas I have been struggling with, and it’s not easy for me to do. I just hope it will help another adoptee be “okay” with the space they are at, and embrace all the season in our lives, not just the upbeat, happy and positive ones. One way I’m working on changing things for myself, is I’m going to write about it but first things first.

I AM CURRENTLY NOT OKAY.

MORE THAN LIKELY, MANY OF US AREN’T OKAY.

It’s okay to not be okay…

I will write about it soon, but for now I want to touch on another topic.

When so many people are spinning “Positive Culture” narratives, it doesn’t leave room for anyone’s heartache, mental health issues, and pain. Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for the positive culture vibes, but we’re in the middle of a pandemic and all the racial tensions, and the elections coming. Covid-19 is here and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, nor are the other circumstance so many are going through. We really must save space for others to sit at our table who are having real true struggles. Adoptee struggles and non-adoptee struggles. Let me be honest, most of the time people need a listening ear from someone who won’t cast judgement. Believe it or not, that’s so hard to find these days.

For those who don’t seem to be struggling like others, please, please, please don’t forget to save space for others who are having a hard time. We can’t fix other people, or their circumstances, but we can listen, be there and be an ear for them to share their hearts. It could be life or death.

I have significant struggles not wanting to be a burden to anyone and reaching out to other for help in a typical way is almost always nonexistent. I have a few select close people who I know I can be transparent with, but even then, it’s hard to actually “Ask for help.” What asking for help looks like to me is sharing with those I’m close too that we need to talk on the phone or in person so we can “TALK TRASH!” What does talk trash mean? Having a huge b*tch session. Whatever we are going through at that time, we save space to b*tch about it with no judgement. I need those kinds of friends in my life, and I have a hard time allowing anyone in my life where I can’t be myself. B*tching about our realities is a new way of life! Especially in the middle of a pandemic. I can assure you, that after you release all the things being held inside, you will feel better! It’s a matter of finding the right people to allow you to have a relationship where b*tching is welcome.

As National Suicide Awareness Month Approaches as well as National Mental Health Awareness, I want to start writing about some of my experiences and struggles I’ve been having over the last few months. I want to b*tch. I want to be real, raw, and transparent because I know so many of my fellow adoptees will be able to relate to these struggles, and non-adoptees as well. Sometimes writing is the easiest way for me to share my feelings, because no one can interrupt me, shut me down or try to tell me how to feel. This is something that’s happened to adoptees since the beginning.

Writing changes the game for that.  As I wrap this up, I would love to challenge you to find a way to share your feelings regarding all we are going through in our current lives. It might be starting a blog, where you can pour your thoughts out or even starting a v-log. It might be creating a public Facebook page or website where you can share your thoughts. It might be finding that one friend you can call and TALK TRASH WITH!

Please believe that you aren’t alone in feeling the way you do, and you can and will inspire others when you share your struggles, strengths, and experiences. Especially now.

Let’s get to b*tching.

Adoptee Transparency, If no one else in your life is saving space for you to b*tch, I’m saving space for you to b*tch.

Ready, set, go…

Adoptee Love Forever,

My Future & My Flip Phone

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I’ve had a long time dream of being able to completely disconnect from electronics, and my smartphone but unfortunately a few things have stood in the way of this dream coming to life.

Until recently…

With the new Covid-19 coming to our communities, and peoples ignorance showing their true colors on social media has truly changed my life forever. I will never forget how many people posted 100x a day on their social media platforms regarding Covid-19 TELLING ME (and everyone else) what they need to be doing during this insane and intense time. I’m immediately turned off by these types of people, because it just so happens there is a possibility not everyone believes like you, so who are you to be TELLING OTHERS what they need to be doing? SMH. Disgusting!

In my opinion, social media has been designed to distract people from what’s really important and it has an addiction component to it. Social media is easiest accessible via our smartphones, smart tablets, computers, etc which are portable and we have become accustomed to taking them everywhere we go. I would suggest what’s really important to an individual person is different and we each have to navigate the path that best suits us at that present stage of our lives. Maybe social media is your only connection to the outside world, or maybe your smart devices keep you alive for various reasons? I get it. Everyone is in different spaces, I’m sharing where I’m at. 

One of the main reasons I’ve procrastinated on getting a flip phone and following my heart is because of how dependent we all become to our smartphone devices. Between GPS, Banking, Emails, Social Media, Music,  we’re truly on our phones sometimes hours a day. I don’t know about you, but especially during Covid-19 the obsession I’ve developed with checking my social media, emails, news, etc on my smartphone has increased greatly and become unhealthy for me. I realize this because I wasn’t giving my brain any “Down time” from processing information, and it was showing in my mental and emotional health. Time is the most valuable thing I have so I had to ask myself a question.  Do I really want to continue to waste the most valuable thing I have by sacrificing my time for my smartphone? 

I’ve learned over the last 5 years or so, that the most fulfilling times in my life are when I’m out in nature, either alone or with those I’m close too and I’m disconnected from all technologies all together. I’m sure you’ve noticed when you are around your friends and family, and even sitting at the doctor’s office almost everyone is on their smartphones. Even when you might only have one hour a month to actually sit and visit someone in person, they are still glued to their smartphones. I can raise my hand at being one of these people, but I can also raise my hand that things are changing for me and I no longer want to be that person. 

In respecting my time, I would like to respect the time of those I’m close to as well. 

I’m on call for work 24/7 so turning my smartphone off like most people can do, isn’t an option. I always have to have it right there, so this has caused me added stress and anxiety to feel like I have to be attached to this smartphone, and I have no choices like disconnecting from it like others do. My dilemma was how could I purchase a flip phone but still have my smartphone for small doses of use?  I finally found a solution in making this happen and I couldn’t be more happy with my decision. What it’s allowed me to do is keep my smartphone, but I keep it in airplane mode 95% of the time, and the other 5% is the only time I spend on it but using it for specific things that I’m not ready to sacrifice yet.  What would those things be? GPS to find hiking trails, my music, the little social media I still have, banking and email. As soon as I’m done, I turn it back off to airplane mode. 

My flip phone is basically for calls and text ONLY. Texting is only able to be done by voice command, because the only other option is typing each letter out the old school way which will take forever. 

I’ve been struggling with this internal tug-of-war regarding electronics for a while now. There is a true thing regarding addictions to electronics, and I’ve become increasingly aware of this over the last few months. However it’s something that’s been on my mind for years. As I grow in my personal journey, things shift and I hope they continue to shift, because that means I’m continuing to grow. Sitting around on the internet and being glued to smart devices and the television is not the life I want to live. I want to be free to be me, and the only way to do that is make significant changes in my mind, body and spirit. To be completely honest, social media and the internet give me significant anxiety and knowing this has allowed me to accept it and make changes. 

I’ve become increasingly turned off by turning the television on and I truly feel with my whole heart that it’s a blood sucker of time. If I’m completely honest, I hate the television. I hate to see others living their lives through the television shows. Not knocking any television watchers at all, it’s just not for me. I want to be out living my own life, and having amazing experiences in the process. To the root of my core, making memories is what pulls on my heart strings. 

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I want to be able to call my friends on the phone, and catch up with them like we used to do in the old school days. I want to be able to see them in real life, and to hug them like real friends do. I want to be able to make memories because in the end that’s truly all we have to hang onto, and when our memories fade hopefully we will capture memories in photographs that we can keep a lifetime. 

Another thing I’m investing in soon is a camera where I don’t become so dependent on my smartphone to keep my photos. You would be surprised at how social media sites, google, and anywhere on the internet want to keep your photos forever, and when you try to delete them they don’t allow you too. It’s happened to me a lot, and it’s really infuriating to me. So I’m making this change, so I have all my photos backed up on a camera and my laptop and I’m bypassing the smartphone as much as possible. 

 The other dynamic I’ve done much research on over the last few months is the RF EMF sensitivities that many of us have, but most people have no clue the symptoms they have might be related to Electromagnetic Frequencies that are everywhere around us at all times. There truly is no running from it, because our government is behind us being exposed to these toxic frequencies but we can ALL DO OUR PART in making changes in our personal lives for our health and happiness.  I’ve stopped using all bluetooth devices and I will be opting out at upgrading to any of these products in the future.

For inquiring minds, there are many negative symptoms of RF EMF exposure and they cause significant sensitivities in our bodies. Keep in mind – YOUR DOCTORS OR HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS ARE NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS. We have to do our own research. I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO THE RESEARCH! Your health and happiness depends on it. 

 How to Reduce Your EMF and RF Exposure is a wonderful article. It says, “Because the brain and the heart are intricately connected and function with the highest density of voltage-gated calcium channels (you can think of these as electrical control centers within cells) compared to the rest of the body, these organs are the most susceptible to the damaging effects of low-intensity EMFs. When the intracellular signaling becomes disrupted, biological functioning becomes disrupted, meaning our bodily functions and systems are disrupted, leading to hormonal changes, impaired fertility, oxidative stress, emotional dysregulation, DNA damage, disrupted melatonin, and the breakdown of the blood-brain-barrier, among others.” 

Within the same year of having our WiFi router in my bedroom, I was diagnosed with Melanoma (in March) and not long before this I started having heart issues. Both resulted in surgeries but I never made the connection until recently by researching RF EMF sensitivities that there could very well possibly be a correlation. Of course there are other factors that could play a role, but RF EMF exposure could also play a role. It also doesn’t help that the cell and WiFi towers are right outside my bedroom window where I live. 

The more I research this topic and learn the toxicities of smart devices, WiFi, and RF EMF radiation that is radiating our bodies, the more disconnected I want to be. Knowledge is power, and I challenge you to start researching RF EMF sensitivities and eliminating as much as possible from your life. Document the changes you see. I plan on using my website to document my changes with my followers. 

Earthing and grounding has come to the forefront while I navigate this new chapter of img_9165my life. Not only is it healing to my mind, body and spirit but it’s something natural that’s been around for as long as the earth has been around. Go outside, take your shoes and socks off, and walk around in the grass, dirt, or sand. Connect with the earth and research the healing properties this will bring. Who I recommend you research is Clint Ober – Ultimate Longevity. Clint is the innovator behind the earthing and grounding movement. This movement has literally changed my life. I now sleep grounded at night, and I can notice a significant change in my health. Click the link above to learn more.

My future & my flip phone is only the beginning for me. While I move forward in life, I’m going to come up with more ways to disconnect from the electronic world as we all know it while increasing my connections with Mother Earth, and my close friends & family who I have in my life. I still want to share my nature adventures, because they have been the true pathway of healing for me in hopes to inspire other adoptees and anyone else that might follow my journey. Nature has been my #1 recommended resource for healing so please consider getting outside. You won’t know the healing benefits of this, until you try. 

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Over the last few weeks, I’ve been able to talk to some of my close friends on the phone using my old school flip phone, and I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome it’s been to hear their voices, and talk trash like friends do! That’s what I want at the forefront of my life in my relationships. I don’t want to live through social media anymore. Of course I will post some, really to inspire others but life is not to be lived through smart devices. It’s to be lived by going outside and living it. As always, I’m continuing to set more boundaries for myself, my life and my future. People don’t have to understand it, which is totally okay. My heart desires true, organic, intentional friendships. I won’t settle for the fake illusion that social media gives any longer. 

I do challenge you to try to step into a new way of life by entertaining the thought that too much time on smart devices might just be what’s standing in the way of you living your best life. For me, I tried to create a healthy balance for years on limiting time on my smartphone and electronics by setting reminders on time, etc. It didn’t work for me. So my future & my flip phone will be an adventure to be had and I’m excited to navigate the newness of this amazing shift in my personal and professional life. I’m determined to be true to myself, even when the rest of the world might not be able to relate. I’m following my heart and making no excuses along the way. 

Be adopted, many of us dance to the beat of our own drums because that’s all we’ve known since the beginning. I’ve learned to embrace this, be excited about it and continue to set the boundaries in life that work best for me. 

What boundaries have you set for yourself lately? How have they impacted the relationships with those close to you? Have they understood and respected your boundaries? 

Sending you sunshine, adventures, love & light from the bright side.

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