My Future & My Flip Phone

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I’ve had a long time dream of being able to completely disconnect from electronics, and my smartphone but unfortunately a few things have stood in the way of this dream coming to life.

Until recently…

With the new Covid-19 coming to our communities, and peoples ignorance showing their true colors on social media has truly changed my life forever. I will never forget how many people posted 100x a day on their social media platforms regarding Covid-19 TELLING ME (and everyone else) what they need to be doing during this insane and intense time. I’m immediately turned off by these types of people, because it just so happens there is a possibility not everyone believes like you, so who are you to be TELLING OTHERS what they need to be doing? SMH. Disgusting!

In my opinion, social media has been designed to distract people from what’s really important and it has an addiction component to it. Social media is easiest accessible via our smartphones, smart tablets, computers, etc which are portable and we have become accustomed to taking them everywhere we go. I would suggest what’s really important to an individual person is different and we each have to navigate the path that best suits us at that present stage of our lives. Maybe social media is your only connection to the outside world, or maybe your smart devices keep you alive for various reasons? I get it. Everyone is in different spaces, I’m sharing where I’m at. 

One of the main reasons I’ve procrastinated on getting a flip phone and following my heart is because of how dependent we all become to our smartphone devices. Between GPS, Banking, Emails, Social Media, Music,  we’re truly on our phones sometimes hours a day. I don’t know about you, but especially during Covid-19 the obsession I’ve developed with checking my social media, emails, news, etc on my smartphone has increased greatly and become unhealthy for me. I realize this because I wasn’t giving my brain any “Down time” from processing information, and it was showing in my mental and emotional health. Time is the most valuable thing I have so I had to ask myself a question.  Do I really want to continue to waste the most valuable thing I have by sacrificing my time for my smartphone? 

I’ve learned over the last 5 years or so, that the most fulfilling times in my life are when I’m out in nature, either alone or with those I’m close too and I’m disconnected from all technologies all together. I’m sure you’ve noticed when you are around your friends and family, and even sitting at the doctor’s office almost everyone is on their smartphones. Even when you might only have one hour a month to actually sit and visit someone in person, they are still glued to their smartphones. I can raise my hand at being one of these people, but I can also raise my hand that things are changing for me and I no longer want to be that person. 

In respecting my time, I would like to respect the time of those I’m close to as well. 

I’m on call for work 24/7 so turning my smartphone off like most people can do, isn’t an option. I always have to have it right there, so this has caused me added stress and anxiety to feel like I have to be attached to this smartphone, and I have no choices like disconnecting from it like others do. My dilemma was how could I purchase a flip phone but still have my smartphone for small doses of use?  I finally found a solution in making this happen and I couldn’t be more happy with my decision. What it’s allowed me to do is keep my smartphone, but I keep it in airplane mode 95% of the time, and the other 5% is the only time I spend on it but using it for specific things that I’m not ready to sacrifice yet.  What would those things be? GPS to find hiking trails, my music, the little social media I still have, banking and email. As soon as I’m done, I turn it back off to airplane mode. 

My flip phone is basically for calls and text ONLY. Texting is only able to be done by voice command, because the only other option is typing each letter out the old school way which will take forever. 

I’ve been struggling with this internal tug-of-war regarding electronics for a while now. There is a true thing regarding addictions to electronics, and I’ve become increasingly aware of this over the last few months. However it’s something that’s been on my mind for years. As I grow in my personal journey, things shift and I hope they continue to shift, because that means I’m continuing to grow. Sitting around on the internet and being glued to smart devices and the television is not the life I want to live. I want to be free to be me, and the only way to do that is make significant changes in my mind, body and spirit. To be completely honest, social media and the internet give me significant anxiety and knowing this has allowed me to accept it and make changes. 

I’ve become increasingly turned off by turning the television on and I truly feel with my whole heart that it’s a blood sucker of time. If I’m completely honest, I hate the television. I hate to see others living their lives through the television shows. Not knocking any television watchers at all, it’s just not for me. I want to be out living my own life, and having amazing experiences in the process. To the root of my core, making memories is what pulls on my heart strings. 

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I want to be able to call my friends on the phone, and catch up with them like we used to do in the old school days. I want to be able to see them in real life, and to hug them like real friends do. I want to be able to make memories because in the end that’s truly all we have to hang onto, and when our memories fade hopefully we will capture memories in photographs that we can keep a lifetime. 

Another thing I’m investing in soon is a camera where I don’t become so dependent on my smartphone to keep my photos. You would be surprised at how social media sites, google, and anywhere on the internet want to keep your photos forever, and when you try to delete them they don’t allow you too. It’s happened to me a lot, and it’s really infuriating to me. So I’m making this change, so I have all my photos backed up on a camera and my laptop and I’m bypassing the smartphone as much as possible. 

 The other dynamic I’ve done much research on over the last few months is the RF EMF sensitivities that many of us have, but most people have no clue the symptoms they have might be related to Electromagnetic Frequencies that are everywhere around us at all times. There truly is no running from it, because our government is behind us being exposed to these toxic frequencies but we can ALL DO OUR PART in making changes in our personal lives for our health and happiness.  I’ve stopped using all bluetooth devices and I will be opting out at upgrading to any of these products in the future.

For inquiring minds, there are many negative symptoms of RF EMF exposure and they cause significant sensitivities in our bodies. Keep in mind – YOUR DOCTORS OR HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS ARE NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS. We have to do our own research. I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO THE RESEARCH! Your health and happiness depends on it. 

 How to Reduce Your EMF and RF Exposure is a wonderful article. It says, “Because the brain and the heart are intricately connected and function with the highest density of voltage-gated calcium channels (you can think of these as electrical control centers within cells) compared to the rest of the body, these organs are the most susceptible to the damaging effects of low-intensity EMFs. When the intracellular signaling becomes disrupted, biological functioning becomes disrupted, meaning our bodily functions and systems are disrupted, leading to hormonal changes, impaired fertility, oxidative stress, emotional dysregulation, DNA damage, disrupted melatonin, and the breakdown of the blood-brain-barrier, among others.” 

Within the same year of having our WiFi router in my bedroom, I was diagnosed with Melanoma (in March) and not long before this I started having heart issues. Both resulted in surgeries but I never made the connection until recently by researching RF EMF sensitivities that there could very well possibly be a correlation. Of course there are other factors that could play a role, but RF EMF exposure could also play a role. It also doesn’t help that the cell and WiFi towers are right outside my bedroom window where I live. 

The more I research this topic and learn the toxicities of smart devices, WiFi, and RF EMF radiation that is radiating our bodies, the more disconnected I want to be. Knowledge is power, and I challenge you to start researching RF EMF sensitivities and eliminating as much as possible from your life. Document the changes you see. I plan on using my website to document my changes with my followers. 

Earthing and grounding has come to the forefront while I navigate this new chapter of img_9165my life. Not only is it healing to my mind, body and spirit but it’s something natural that’s been around for as long as the earth has been around. Go outside, take your shoes and socks off, and walk around in the grass, dirt, or sand. Connect with the earth and research the healing properties this will bring. Who I recommend you research is Clint Ober – Ultimate Longevity. Clint is the innovator behind the earthing and grounding movement. This movement has literally changed my life. I now sleep grounded at night, and I can notice a significant change in my health. Click the link above to learn more.

My future & my flip phone is only the beginning for me. While I move forward in life, I’m going to come up with more ways to disconnect from the electronic world as we all know it while increasing my connections with Mother Earth, and my close friends & family who I have in my life. I still want to share my nature adventures, because they have been the true pathway of healing for me in hopes to inspire other adoptees and anyone else that might follow my journey. Nature has been my #1 recommended resource for healing so please consider getting outside. You won’t know the healing benefits of this, until you try. 

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Over the last few weeks, I’ve been able to talk to some of my close friends on the phone using my old school flip phone, and I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome it’s been to hear their voices, and talk trash like friends do! That’s what I want at the forefront of my life in my relationships. I don’t want to live through social media anymore. Of course I will post some, really to inspire others but life is not to be lived through smart devices. It’s to be lived by going outside and living it. As always, I’m continuing to set more boundaries for myself, my life and my future. People don’t have to understand it, which is totally okay. My heart desires true, organic, intentional friendships. I won’t settle for the fake illusion that social media gives any longer. 

I do challenge you to try to step into a new way of life by entertaining the thought that too much time on smart devices might just be what’s standing in the way of you living your best life. For me, I tried to create a healthy balance for years on limiting time on my smartphone and electronics by setting reminders on time, etc. It didn’t work for me. So my future & my flip phone will be an adventure to be had and I’m excited to navigate the newness of this amazing shift in my personal and professional life. I’m determined to be true to myself, even when the rest of the world might not be able to relate. I’m following my heart and making no excuses along the way. 

Be adopted, many of us dance to the beat of our own drums because that’s all we’ve known since the beginning. I’ve learned to embrace this, be excited about it and continue to set the boundaries in life that work best for me. 

What boundaries have you set for yourself lately? How have they impacted the relationships with those close to you? Have they understood and respected your boundaries? 

Sending you sunshine, adventures, love & light from the bright side.

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When Adoptive Parents Have the Willingness to Listen…

 

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Let me explain my recent change of heart on this topic.

I’ve discovered over the last few months I’ve been selling myself short in speaking to adoptive parents. For those who know me, they know I’ve always said my passion and gifting is for adult adoptees. The ones who are broken, hurting, isolated, and alone. They need someone who understands them, and they are my motivation, my reason to keep sharing and keep writing.

On the other hand, I’ve also backed it up on many occasions that my gifting is NOT in speaking with Adoptive Parents. I’ve shouted this loud and clear and let the adoption/adoptee community know that it’s just not my strong suit. It’s not my area of expertise.

Why you might ask?

Because I find them to be triggering to the max on many fronts. A lot of crossing paths with them have been in online settings, and it’s hard to tell if I was inserting my option when it was asked for or if I was simply sharing my views. Most all times it’s been triggering is when they refuse to listen, learn and acknowledge my truth, even if they don’t understand it or agree with it.

Over the last 7 years of sharing my journey, I’ve found that more times than not Adoptive Parents don’t have the willingness to LISTEN & LEARN from Adult Adoptees which defeats the purpose of sharing all my knowledge based on lived experiences being an adoptee. This has caused me to put my wall up with them and retreat solely with networking and focusing on my fellow adoptees. The wall has been up for years!

Something amazing happened a few months ago. I will leave names out for privacy, but a long-time friend reached out to me and said she would love if we could meet so we could talk about some things. She’s now an adoptive mom. At first, I was a little reluctant because in my mind, I don’t have a gifting for speaking to Adoptive Parents. But there was something different about her. Not only did I know her and have known her for along time but she actually WANTED TO LEARN AND LISTEN.

What I had based my views on regarding not having gifting to speak to adoptive parents is because so much of my experience is them wanting to talk over me, shut me down, silence me, or better yet have no intention to LISTEN, but always wanting to be heard. Sadly, these experiences outweigh the good experiences in interacting with adoptive parents in my world. Unfortunately, this is the reason I have excluded Adoptive Parents from my inner circle. They have only caused more damage to me by the attitude they have, and I can no longer allow those type of people to be inside my very valuable space.

My views have shifted after meeting with my friend who is now an Adoptive Parent. I love her. She loves me. We have a mutual respect for one another and have known one another for at least 25 years. She genuinely wanted some advice, and I was honored and elated she would seek me out to receive it.

RECEIVE IT.

Let’s say it again…

RECEIVE IT…

That’s right. It’s been highlighted to me that my friend wanted to receive what I had to share, and this is exactly what the difference is between her and so many other Adoptive Parents I’ve come across. So many of them don’t want to receive what Adult Adoptees have to say even when we hold the most valuable experience in the adoption equation. There is no therapist, or counselor who understands this thing like we do, unless they are adoptees themselves. I promise you this is the TRUTH!

In my 7 years of being out of the fog, networking in the adoption/adoptee community I have only come across a small handful of Adoptive Parents who have reached out to me and supported me, who have had the willingness to listen and learn. A VERY SMALL HANDFUL. If you are one of them, I will share I appreciate you more than you know and thank you for having the willingness to listen and learn to help understand your adoptive child better.

I say to myself all the time, “If only ALL adoptive parents were that way, adoptees wouldn’t be 4x more likely to attempt suicide. Adoptees wouldn’t be over populated in the prisons, jails, treatment facilities and mental health facilities. If only more adoptive parents had the willingness to LISTEN AND LEARN from Adult Adoptees they could HELP US, adoptees all over the world wouldn’t be so broken” And yes, adoptees all over this world are broken, hurting and they have no where to turn. Some of them are in their 60’s and 70’s and they’ve lived their entire lives suffering in silence because our world won’t acknowledge the pain they have had to carry their entire lives.  I’ve seen too much, and I know too much. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen or unknow what I know.

If you don’t believe me visit my Facebook pages Ask an Adoptee and How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? You could also visit the website I created for adoptees to share their stories at How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? If you have networked with as many as adoptees as I have and heard their stories, listened to them and validated them you would see why the adoptee community is so important to me and my number one focus and cause in life. You would understand why we need Adoptive Parents to listen & learn.

Having many years of experience and my new turn of events in having the grace and willingness to share with my friend who is an adoptive parent, it’s helped me realize that I DO HAVE THE GIFT to talk to adoptive parents but there is a stipulation. It’s the adoptive parents who have the willingness to listen and learn.

I’ve found that it’s not my job to educate adoptive parents because I simply don’t owe anyone anything in that area. On the other hand, when an adoptive parent comes to me like my friend did, and they sincerely want to listen and learn I will do my best to share my experience with the utmost respect and truth and present it with the most understanding way possible. I appreciate my friend coming to me more than she will ever know, and she was so brave to have the willingness to listen and learn. I hope and pray the same for all Adoptive Parents all over the world. When the Adoptive Parents want to listen and learn, it helps their Adoptive Child because they begin to understand better.

In talking to my friend I learned she was very rare Adoptive Parent in wanting to listen and learn. Our time together was priceless, and we shared from our hearts our experiences and we both welcomed questions and had the willingness to speak gracefully about the unexpected situations that come from raising an adoptive child, especially the ones the Adoption Agencies don’t tell you about.

I’ve decided that I do have the grace and the gift, but each situation in me connecting with an adoptive parent will be unique in my choosing in who I want to engage with. Being an adoptee, I lost all choices for most of my life, and still losing some today so today I CHOOSE.

For the Adoptive Parents who don’t have the willingness to listen and learn, I have absolutely no time for them nor will I waste my time on trying to connect because they are EXTREMELY triggering to me. It’s simple.

In the future I have a vision of incorporating a discussion panel into our Adoptees Connect Small Groups (separate from our monthly meetings) where Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents would be able to come ask Adult Adoptees questions. The key is, they are coming to RECEIVE what we are willing to share. I feel this will be a game changer for the Adoption Communities all over the place. I hope to put this vision into action Spring 2019 and Adoptees Connect will have been planted for a little over a year. By then I will have some Adult Adoptees who are on board for being on the Discussion Panel. Lot’s in the works for Adoptees Connect!

I’ve had it on my heart to share this article for some time, but life has been crazy, but things are slowing down a bit.

My question is, if you are an Adoptive Parent do you have the willingness to listen and learn from Adult Adoptees? If you answered “YES” to that question I commend you. Every time I get questions from Adoptive Parents & Birth Parents on the “Ask an Adoptee” page on Facebook I commend them! They are seeking the valuable voices of Adult Adoptees who have the lived experiences to back it up.

Things are changing, and things are looking up, but we still have so much work to do!

If you answered “NO” to this question I would like to encourage you to seek deep in your heart and ask yourself “WHY?”. Is it fear? Fear of the truth? It will eventually come to surface as all truth does, and I would much rather you be prepared and ready for whatever is to come than to live in denial and your adoptive child live a life like I did and so many other adoptees. Isolated. Alone. Disconnected. Hurt. Traumatized. Many Adult Adoptees have the willingness to share our perspectives with you, but you must meet us half way and have the willingness to listen and learn.

For my fellow Adoptees, how do you feel about speaking to Adoptive Parents? As I shared, it’s not our responsibility but if you have chosen to navigate this into your adoption/adoptee advocacy, do the adoptive parents you are speaking to have the willingness to listen and learn? I would love to learn your experiences?

Thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova | Adult Adoptee

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Wishing I Was Aborted & Wanting to Die…

I’m glad I was able to get your attention for a few moments…

Over the years, I have written a bit regarding certain times in my life where I wished my birth mother aborted me. I’ve also written other times about wishing I would die or wishing I was dead.

This doesn’t mean I promote abortion.

This doesn’t mean I promote suicide.

This means, this is how I have felt at certain times of my life and I have had enough courage to share my feelings with the world. Sometimes it might be in this blog or in online communities, or in real life.

It’s hard to have value for “life” when every day of my life has felt like I’m in a living nightmare in my mind regarding my adoption journey. How do you live everyday of your life with a broken heart? It’s hard to value LIFE when the woman that should love you the most not only abandons you but rejects you when you find her. It’s hard to value life when you feel like your entire existence on earth was to fill a void in someones life, but they never really cared about me. I was purchased for a price to the next adoptive parents in line. It was never about me. It’s hard to value life when no one on earth has ever given a shit about my feelings about the trauma, grief, loss and all the issues adoption has brought my way.

IT’S A EVERYDAY STRUGGLE FOR SOME OF US!

“Oh you just had a bad adoption experience!”

My views are, If we’re completely honest, every adoption experience is rooted as a bad experience because what any adoptee has to go through to get adopted is grounded in trauma and loss.  The fact we are severed from our roots, history, medical history, ethnicity, birth parents, siblings, etc. is enough reason for us to say it’s a bad experience.

If you can view adoption as “beautiful” you aren’t acknowledging the trauma that comes with it, and that is a problem. I’ll save that for my next blog post.

Trauma is not beautiful, it’s hard and complicating, and painful.

Do all adoptees feel like their adoption constitutes as a “Bad Experience?” Absolutely not. I can’t speak for all adoptees, I can only speak for myself and knowing hundreds of adoptees all over the world, I know MANY of us feel this way.

If I dig a little deeper and share why at times I’ve felt like I wanted to die I can assure you I was at a very dark place regarding my adoption journey. More than likely if I shared something like this online or in my blog it’s because I didn’t have any “safe space” in my real life to share these feelings. It’s because not only did I feel like I wanted to die, but I have always carried the burden for feeling this way on top of feeling how I felt.

As if feeling like I wanted to die wasn’t enough…

The feelings of wanting to die are usually triggered by different seasons of my adoptee experience. It comes in waves, and when feelings associated with abandonment, rejection, trauma, complicated grief & loss come flooding in it can easily take me out. What does take me out mean? I can slide into a depression, and during this time things are dark and grim. There has never been any help for me, (for many of us adoptees) so it can feel like a dark cloud is hanging over my head and there is nowhere to turn.

ALONE.

HELPLESS.

On occasion I’ve shared how I was angry at my birth mother for choosing life. It’s the truth and if you can’t understand it or grasp it consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. You also might be someone who doesn’t have the willingness to TRY to want to learn why I have felt this way or to try to learn why other adoptees might feel this way? Either way, I had to go through the emotions I was feeling. A few years back I worked on some areas of healing as I continue to do. One of the areas I was mad as hell about was wishing my birth mother aborted me.

THE PAIN HAS BEEN THAT GREAT!

Writing about it was one of the biggest healing tools I have yet to discover. Sharing it with others is also another healing tool. It takes it from a deep hidden secret of feeling this way,  to a release by sharing my feelings that are very real with others who can hopefully understand, validate and let me know I’m not alone. In no way sharing these feelings was I ever advocating for abortion and I don’t appreciate anyone saying otherwise.

Situations like this that happen it’s another layer of what adoptees have to go through. Not only do we feel the way we do which is hard enough in itself, but we’re shamed by society for feeling that way. Our words can be easily twisted by someone who has never thought twice about reaching out to us in a caring, humane and concerning way. To top it off, there is usually no help for us, or no safe spaces to share these feelings so a lot of time online is our only source to share. Thank God Adoptees Connect is popping up in many cities and other adoptee support groups as well. Things are changing for the good but it hasn’t always been this way.

There are those who don’t agree with with others say and they can’t just move along. They have to make sure they point out why they don’t feel that way and why it’s horrible we do. “My friend who’s adopted doesn’t feel that way at all!” or “My husband is adopted and he never has felt that way” – Or better yet, and the most damaging of all, a fellow adoptee saying, “I’m so sad and disappointed so many adoptees have no value for life, and talk about wishing they were aborted or dead. I have never felt that way and I have made the choice to make something of my life. I wish they would do the same”

Don’t you think if we could just turn the switch on to be one of the “Happy well-adjusted” adoptees, we would do it? Don’t you think we would rather feel happy all the time than deal with these emotions? I think most adoptees would rather not have these issues, but when we are dealing with so many complexities and layers of trauma it doesn’t happen that way for many of us.

TRAUMA TAKES TIME TO HEAL AND EVERYONE HEALS AT DIFFERENT STAGES

The fact of the matter is, when people share their feelings online or in real life, it’s really best to try to validate their feelings and listen to what they have to say. Just because you don’t feel this way and you never have doesn’t mean you need to point it out to someone and disregard how they are feeling because it doesn’t line up with how you feel.

When people process emotions about wishing they were aborted or having feelings of wanting to die, and you happen to be on the receiving end of hearing them share these words please consider yourself honored. If someone is actually sharing something like this they may have kept deep inside for what can be a very long time. Your response is critical!

Don’t silence them, and try to make them feel guilty for feeling this way. Shaming them and making them feel guilty because you have processed your adoption issues, and they haven’t isn’t going to help, only hurts them.

“It makes me so sad to see so many adoptees talk about wishing they were aborted and wishing they were dead!” – Well HELLO!

It seems to me this world we live in might want to take a wake up pill because if so many adoptees are saying these things IT’S FOR A REASON. Many reasons actually.

For me, I had to face the pain of the TRUTH of adoption, MY ADOPTION and come out of the FOG and acknowledge the realities of how my life played out. Some days the pain has been SO GREAT I would rather DIE than deal with another day of this pain. Does that mean I’m suicidal? NO, for me I wasn’t suicidal although I have been in the past when I was younger. It means that at that moment in my life, dying seems like a better plan than facing the pain of ADOPTION. That’s how great my pain was. I never had a suicide plan as an adult, but that doesn’t mean some adoptees don’t. For me, I have a ton of reason TO LIVE and there are so many areas in life I love, my kids mainly. But there is far more to it than me just saying I wanted to die.

Does that mean other adoptees aren’t suicidal when they say they want to die or they would rather die? I can’t comment on that but because adoptees attempt suicide 4x more than non adoptees.  I think it’s time society as a whole stop ignoring these staggering facts.

BE CAUTIOUS HOW YOU RESPOND TO HURTING ADOPTEES!

We really can’t afford to not listen to Adoptees.

If you are an adoptee and have been fortunate enough to move beyond your depression, and you’re wanting to die, and your issues with being adopted and you have come to a place of peace regarding your adoption journey that’s wonderful. But let me share, those adoptees who aren’t at that place yet don’t need YOU, their fellow adoptee telling them how sad and sorry you are they feel that way and minimize their feelings by sharing how you don’t feel that way at all. This only adds shame to how they already feel.

We don’t need it, especially from our fellow adoptees.

Never look down on someone unless you’re helping them up. – Jesse Jackson

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I have a question for anyone reading, adopted or not.

If you learn of an adoptee or anyone for that matter share feelings in real life or online, about wishing they were aborted or wishing they would die have you reached out to them on a personal level? Have you said to them, “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. My heart hurts for you. Can you tell me more about why you are feeling this way? How can I help you?” Do you have the willingness to reach out to these people and try to understand where they are coming from? Do you have the willingness to LISTEN without the intent to reply? Do you have the willingness to try to put yourself in this persons shoes, even when you can’t relate to what they are saying because “That wasn’t my experience!”

My reason for writing this blog post is to share I have had times in my life where I have felt anger towards my birth mother because she didn’t abort me, and I have felt like I wanted to die many times but this does not define who I am. It’s all been a part of my healing process. If I didn’t have so many deep-rooted adoptee issues, I honestly would be doing great in life. Just so happens, the pain from adoption has been the very same pain that has been my reason for starting Adoptees Connect and Adoptee Merch. It’s that same pain that God is going to turn around and use it for His good.

Are you meeting people where they are?

Pain and all?

Aside from adoption and the trauma it’s caused me I consider myself a survivor and I’m surviving daily. Adoption tried to kill me, but I’m here and alive. I have so many things to be thankful for. Some days I wonder why it’s so hard for me to be thankful for my life, which is something I feel guilty about daily. The best way I can describe it is that I’ve never until recently (out of the fog) ever felt like I was alive to begin with. I felt like the walking dead. I have no birth story. I have no roots grounded in anything. I don’t feel connected to anything other than my kids. I’ve spent my entire life grieving what should have been and what was lost. The same tears I cried in grief are the same tears the world celebrates because adoption is viewed as “beautiful”.

This adds more pain on pain on pain…

What has changed everything for me and given me a reason to live is my kids. They are the reason I’m thankful for my life because I’m thankful for them. They are the reason I get up daily because they are my motivation. They are the reason I’m still alive. It’s not for myself. If they weren’t here I wouldn’t be alive. I would have been dead many years ago. I would have no purpose and that’s MY TRUTH.

Now that I am processing through my pain, and I’m out of the fog, I’m at a place where I’ve learned my passion in life. Healing is happening, but it wouldn’t be happening if I could never share my feelings.

IN ORDER TO HEAL IT WE HAVE TO FEEL IT!

 Even those adoptees who are sharing online they want to die and wish they were aborted!

God has placed a calling on my life to do what I’m doing in the adoptee community. If I’m able to frame it this way, being adopted has been the hardest experience of my life, but I know God is going to do amazing things and my pain will be used for good. In order to frame it this way I had to feel validated, heard, listened too.

So my question is…

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ARE YOU LISTENING?

Because if you are inserting your opinion without ever asking a person why they feel the way they feel you really are out-of-order.

Do I still wish my birth mother aborted me? Sometimes those thoughts come over my mind, but they come and go like a vapor. Usually its the times when my pain is so great, I see no light and no way out. When I stay busy in life, the less time I have to think about the realities of adoption and the damage it has done in my life. Every day I can move forward towards healing is a new day I have to discover who I am and what I enjoy doing in life. There is more to me and my life than being an adoptee. I love being a mom. I love nature, hiking, chasing waterfalls. I enjoy the simple things in life-like sunrises, sunsets, bonfires, hot tea and coffee. I’m a caregiver by career and absolutely love what I do for a living. I have a small host of close friends and a few family members I am in touch with. Adoptee issues still surface and will always surface, for me it’s learning how to ride the waves.

So please, the next time you are around someone who is sharing their heart, no matter how your experience was or is, no matter who you know that was adopted who had a wonderful experience, know it doesn’t give you the right to tell us how we should feel. Also, please understand that just because you are at a peaceful place of your adoption, not all of us are. Let’s learn to embrace one another exactly as we are, not as you think we should be.

We’re already in a world that glorifies our trauma, we don’t need it from our fellow adoptees. Please, be kind and in that have compassion for others who are nothing like you. Try to understand them and put yourself in their shoes. Listen more.

Empathy goes along way.

Thanks for reading.

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