Mother May I…

Mother May I
 
Mother, I’ve been tied to this pain for so long and each day I awake I desire for it to be gone.
It’s like a dark cloud hanging over my head.
It starts each morning as soon as I rise out of bed.
You never leave my mind.
How can I let it go?
 It’s all I have of you, you know?
It’s deep in my soul and always appears when I’m low, usually nobody knows.
When there is nothing to hang on to, no memories and no history, all I have is the pain.
Is that why I’m hanging on to this pain so long?
In your memory, it’s clenched tight.
 I know deep down its blocking some of God’s light.
It’s been 40 years now.
It feels like a bag of bones and it’s heavy to carry.
But if I let it go, what will I have?
There are no memories to remember, no future, and no forever.
I thought of saving a piece, folding it up and putting it away.
Then I can take it out on a rainy day.
Because then you will know I never forgot you. I never want you to think I forgot about you.
But God said, “NO, you are my child, and I want your heart to be healed. You’ve had enough rainy days”
Mother, I’m tired of carrying this pain.
 I know I have to let go, but there are a few things I need you to know.
Just because I let go of the pain, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold you close to my heart.
It doesn’t mean I’m trading you for anything.
It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you, because I do.
It just means that I’ve made the choice to move forward with my life, and let go of the pain.
I need this for myself, my kids and for my future.
I will ALWAYS hold you close to my heart, because you are the woman I dreamed of knowing from the very start.
So let me ask
 Mother May I?
 Let go of the pain?
Because holding it so tight, I know I have nothing to gain.
Mother May I let go of the pain?
Mother:  “YES YOU MAY” 
Healing by discovering my truth & sharing it with the world one blog post at a time…
Pamela Karanova
Lexington, KY
Reunited Adult Adoptee
 

Birth Father Blues

I was supposed to forget he existed but I have a biological father. His name is Jimmie Jones from Leon, Iowa. I’ve gotten to meet him 2x which is more than most adoptees will ever get.  Although I’m extremely happy I finally got to see his face I still have many emotions associated with finding him, the reunion and post reunion. I truly feel the long term effects of adoption on the adoptee are negative consequences that we have to face ALONE are all based on others decisions for our lives. This is so not fair. Yeah, I know. Life isn’t fair!

I met my biological father for the first time in 2011. He knew nothing about me.  I drove to his door step and introduced myself. I visited him about an hour, took his picture and off I went. FINALLY I got to see who I looked like. I’m writing today because even when I met him, and even went back a second time to meet him I am not settled with this. Every day he crosses my mind in some way. I think about the fact that he wants no relationship with me. He isn’t interested in getting to know me, not even a little bit. I scramble with the thoughts of “How can someone be so cruel?” How does a biological parent just dismiss their child like that? The world may wonder why so many adoptees have backwards views of love. When your own FLESH & BLOOD just tosses you to the side like a bag of garbage it’s really hard to comprehend anyone loves you. If everyone wants to get honest, let’s face it… Your mother and father of the world should love you the MOST out of everyone. For adoptees, that love is nowhere to be found. Their actions of handing us over to strangers, is all we know.

I know, I know… God loves me, he planned me, and he has a purpose for my pain. I do not deny this. But I also believe it’s critical to my healing that I identify my root issues. This whole adoption thing has a million little jagged edges to it. It’s not just a happy beautiful baby to complete a family. I have to live daily with the long term effects of others actions over my life.
Do you know how it feels to have a biological father out there, who you have been told has less than 5 years to live? But he doesn’t want you in his life? He could care less if I lived or died. My mind is swamped daily about “What If’s”. What if I was in his life, I would go visit him every year, and get to know him better and maybe one day take care of him? Maybe he would come to KY and visit my children and I? I will never know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. It truly crushes me that he would rather die without his only biological daughter in his life, just like my birth mother did. I will not be listed in his obituary either. I’m non-existent in their lives. This makes me feel invisible, like I shouldn’t even be here. No one understands how this feels unless you are an adoptee, and you have had to live through it. I know it’s coming.
Going to my birth mothers funeral and not being listed in her obituary was probably the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. And the fact that I know I will eventually have to go through it again with my birth father is just sickening to me. I wonder if my adopters thought about all these things when they adopted me? Did they even care? Or were they just out to get “THEIR BABY”. None of them has acknowledged my pain and I am resentful about that.  It always has been and always will be about them and them taking me in when my own biological family didn’t want me.
My birth father has been on my mind a lot lately, so this is why I’m writing about it. My biological grandmother who I will never get to meet is also on my mind. Acceptance in this journey is a hard pill to swallow. I have accepted things, but I am still healing. I believe it will take a lifetime.
Thanks for reading!

2 Years After The Healing Begins…

I wanted to write a little bit on the last 2 years of my life and all the healing that has taken place.
When I started my recovery journey 2 years ago, I couldn’t even let anything about my birth mother come out of my mouth without sobbing like a new born baby. I was angry and I was hurt when it came to her. I was expected to keep quiet my whole life so when I finally was sitting around a group of women in my Step Study for Celebrate Recovery, and everyone was going around sharing about their life and all of a sudden it was my turn it was very emotional for me. I remember everyone looking at me, and I shared with them that I wrote a letter to my birth mother as a healing exercise and in that letter I expressed all the hurt and pain I have experienced from her making the decision to give me up for adoption, to strangers, and to a woman that couldn’t raise me. I was angry with her, and the letter shares all of my anger. All of these years my anger was flaring in every way imaginable, and I was happy to finally be able to have the tools to get to the root issue, dig up the root and lay it down at the cross.
This doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, because every day I struggle. It just means that God has given me the gift of forgiveness and because of this gift, I’m able to begin to heal and move forward with my life. Acceptance has been a key for me but the question is, what am I accepting? You can’t accept anything if the truth is being kept from you. My entire life, I was lied too, the truth was covered to protect me, but in the long run it has caused me more harm than good. This is not fair for adoptees and I will never stop speaking about something that has hurt me the most in life.
I prayed for grace, and God has given me grace. I was someone who was mad at the world, and when you are told your entire life that the feelings you have about your first family, no matter what kind of people they were should be that of non-existence but you want so badly to know who they are and where you come from it definitely plays some tricks on you. How can I learn to share feelings in life, but never speak of those who are a part of me, my own flesh and blood, and my biological roots.  I will never be FOR adoption because it has taken so much for me and caused me so much pain and at the same time I see the need in certain situations that adoption is necessary. I believe adoption needs massive reform and every adoptee on this earth deserves to know where they come from. I believe the lies, secrets, and all the hurt that comes from adoption are based on man’s decisions and people on this earth and an industry that is very corrupt has caused unthinkable pain for adoptees who have their identities locked in a filing cabinet, never to be discovered. Why should we have to fight for something that is already ours?
When I was able to receive every bit of what was already mine to begin with, is when my healing began. I had to search alone, and fine all of my biological family alone. No one supported me, and no one helped me. No matter what the outcome, searching and finding everyone and seeing their faces on my own has been my ticket to healing and freedom. Instead of believe what everyone had been telling me all these years, (which was lies) I was able to be filled with peace in seeing things on my own, and being able to form my own conclusion about my biological family members.  This has been critical to my healing.
If you look at my writings 2 years ago, you will see the anger. You can read the letter to my birth mother and feel my anger. You can read her letter I wished she wrote back to me and see there was healing in writing that. Next, I will be writing a letter in response to what I wished she wrote me. I had to do the work and uncover the truth, so I could work on my deep seeded emotional issues with abandonment and rejection before I could write the next letter or move forward with my life. This healing journey is a process, and I had to accept the fact that this pain may never go away, but processing my feelings like I need to are helping me and I pray that in time things get easier, most important I need to believe with my heart that it will get easier.
I will be 40 in about 6 weeks. I wish I could figure out how to be happy on my birthday. Don’t you know if I could I would? I’m learning that now I can cry, and talk about my feelings and that’s okay.  Does anyone really want to hear it? I honestly don’t think so and that’s why I write. This is a healing place for me. I feel like if only I would have gotten that letter from my birth mother, like she promised I could take it out on my birth day and read it and maybe it would make me feel better.  But instead, I have nothing. I wish everyone close to me would write me letters for my birthday, but I wonder if they will think I’m crazy for this one simple request?  I feel like if I ask, it won’t be sincere or true so no need to bother. If I could open up a basket or a box full of letters I think I would ball like a baby. No one on earth but God understands the depths of my pain in this area. I’m so thankful I can share it with my blog readers.
Every day in every way I am reminded of the loss of my first family. I’ve accepted the loss, and I have recently accepted the pain that may never go away. I’m so thankful that my healing started before my kids moved out of my house. I don’t think I could do this alone, or without them here to take my mind off of it on occasion. Mother duties call daily, and this gets my mind away from reality.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Learning the TRUTH is the ONLY way to healing and freedom.
Now, as I go get ready for church I feel great I got all this off my chest and I’m thankful for this place that is healing for me.
Thanks for reading!