The Girl in the Grocery Store

I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to write about this but it’s been on my mind pretty heavy dd3b937b1788b74f542f5891f1128b73--drawings-of-eyes-crying-sad-face-drawing-sketchesso I decided to get it off my chest. I’m also curious if any of my fellow adoptees have experienced anything similar?

Let me share, I’m a 43 year old adult adoptee. I’ve been single for many years, I’ve raised my kids as a single mom. I’ve had a lot of alone time and I’ve embraced it and I actually love to be alone because it seems to be the safest space for me. After many years I recently ventured out into the dating world and I’m currently seeing someone. As we’ve gotten to know one another over the last few months, I have shared a little of my adoption experience with Him. He’s listened and taken in what I have shared, but he doesn’t seem to have much to say in response which seems to be the norm for most non-adoptees. I can dig it because what is there to say? Usually one has to be able to relate to an extent so a conversation dialog is created and there the conversation goes.

In all honesty I haven’t shared all the dynamics of what it’s like to date an adopted person, me specifically. I have only shared with him a few details and some of the things on my list of “Special Needs”. O_O

One of the main things is COMMUNICATION. I made sure in the beginning I let him know how important communication is to me because areas of UNKNOWN are a area of FEAR for me. Maybe I didn’t say “Communicate with me at all times because if you don’t I start to freak out inside and my mind goes haywire and I need you to communicate with me!”… But chances are I said similar, but in a nicer way that said “Hey, communication is important to me so please communicate with me as much as possible”.

Do you have any idea how daunting it is to explain to someone all your adoptee issues? The great thing about this handsome man is I haven’t even had to tell Him all of these issues and one by one they seem to play themselves out. I want to be honest with him, yet what is too much especially in the beginning of a dating relationship? Again, FEAR of sharing too much is always at the forefront and wondering if he will leave like everyone else has, is on my mind so not saying much at all until the situation arises seems safer?

I think in time things reveal themselves so the need for me to vomit all my adoptee issues all over his lap is not necessary. I must say I’m rather sad and somewhat depressed I can’t seem to just forget all about this adoptee crap and get on with my life. As soon as I feel like I’m on top of the world, boom I crash and fall. If you read my blog years back you will see I have done the work! I have tried EVERYTHING! The highs and lows from this adoption thing seem to follow me all over and chances are they will follow me for the rest of my life.

It’s sad and depressing to me.

When I get to this “Space” all I want to do is sleep. I lose my MOJO and go into what I call a “FUNK”.

I never know when the sadness is going to rear it’s ugly head. All I know is when it comes I have to embrace it and KNOW that my response to current situations that might happen are based on the little girl that was abandoned as a baby and child. A non-adoptee reading might have no clue what I’m taking about and might just think I need to check myself into a mental ward, which might not be a bad idea. BUT I promise you if you do the research like I have, and understand that many of our responses to current situations are based on unprocessed stored memories from the beginning of conception and on, you will see that my responses as well as many adoptees aren’t all that “OFF” for the situation at hand.

I know this is A LOT.

Being adopted is A LOT

I hate being adopted.

“Well why are you so negative and why can’t you find the good in being adopted?”

I will save that answer for a totally different blog post because I’m not trying to go off today.  Stay tuned.

Back to the girl in the grocery store…

I turned into a little girl in the grocery store!

Laugh while you can!

It was humiliating!

I went with my guy to the grocery and I had to use the rest room. He was just getting a few things and we walked to the back of the store and found the rest room. I said “I’ll be right back” and walked on in. A few minutes later I came back out and I didn’t see Him. Where did he go? I just knew he had to be right around the corner. I walked a few steps and didn’t see him. I walked a few more steps and didn’t see him.



My heart starts to do some flips because now I know he’s gone. I didn’t see Him anywhere. My mind starts racing and I started to walk up and down the isles and as I passed each isle, my panic button was being triggered more and more. Every step I took where I couldn’t see Him my fear increased. I felt like I was split in two. The real me KNEW he had to be there somewhere, but the little girl in me knew I was lost. The FEAR from the little girl was much MUCH stronger than the reality of Him being there somewhere.  I was in a full blown panic episode at 43 years old in the damn grocery store!

I walked to the front of the store, and even looked out the front window and thought, “Maybe he went to the car and he’s waiting on me?” or “Maybe he’s hiding around one of these corners trying to play a trick on me?”.

Up and down the isles, faster and faster, searching… I was so upset that he left me. I got tears in my eyes, and I kept looking for Him. In my mind he left me. I continued to search, but I hated the way I was feeling. As I walked all the way to the opposite side of the store I got tears in my eyes. I kept searching. I was frantic.

After many minutes and a dissecting the store in search of HIM I finally laid eyes on Him. A sigh of relief came over me.

He’s here after all and he didn’t leave me…

By this time my mind was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m pretty sure I was pouting as I got closer to Him and my eyes were tearful. I’m pretty sure if I said what I was feeling he would have been totally taken back by my reality and considerably shook at my revelations.

I remember saying, “Why did you leave me?” He said, “I told you I was going to find the milk and chicken”. Obviously I didn’t hear that part.  I’m pretty sure he could tell I was visibly upset. I told him I didn’t hear him.  I’ve been beating myself up ever sense then and I am still upset about it because I feel like as far as I am on my healing journey I should have been able to flip the switch on that one.

He said, “Do you really think I would leave you?”. I just looked at Him. I couldn’t even say anything after that because me feeling what I felt at that moment I felt LEFT & LOST. Knowing he would never leave me in the grocery was at a parallel ends of the spectrum of how I was feeling at that moment.   I  had the feeling like I had been abandoned in the grocery at 43 years old by my BOO! WTF! At that time, I either wanted 1 of 2 things to happen. I wanted Him to hug me tight and tell me he’s never gonna abandon me or leave me in the grocery store or ever for that matter, OR I wanted to go crawl in my bed and pull the covers up and never come out again.

I couldn’t do either. I had to just pretend that this episode didn’t happen and I didn’t share with him my feelings about it because I thought it would be just too much for anyone to take in. I do love to communicate and I would like to share it with Him. This is one of the many “Special Needs” that many adoptees might face that our significant others need to know about so they know how to help us and handle us better.

REALITY= I was at the grocery store in the town where I live. I knew where I was. I wasn’t lost but that isn’t how I felt.  I felt abandoned and lost, like the little girl I always was searching for her birth mother.

My thing is who the hell wants to deal with this crap? Seriously? It’s something so small to so many but to me it was a huge deal. I’m disappointed and I’m sad in myself for responding this way, although I feel had no control over it. It was a much deeper psychological episode than I felt I could control. I’ve been working on triggers and how to respond when I have them which is ALL THE TIME but this one swooped up on me and I felt helpless in my response. It was almost like the feeling of coming down on a drug, terrible terrible feeling.

I would rather DIE than feel this way!

I’m not freaking kidding either!



 I was about 5 years old around the time I found out I was adopted.

After this I had a reoccurring dream as a little girl and through much of my life. I was in a hospital around 5 years old wearing a hospital gown. I remember the long hallways going on forever and ever and I was running up and down the hallways looking for my birth mother. I could very vividly remember being frantic, running and pulling the curtains back on each hospital room searching for HER. It went on forever, and I never did find her in the dream. Again, I had this dream over and over through out my life.

This searching FEAR is the exact same way I felt in the grocery when I felt like I was LEFT & LOST.

I’ve always been triggered by feeling lost, and I definitely associate this to adoption. If I can’t find my car parked coming out of the grocery store and I have to walk all over looking for it, I feel lost and I start to panic inside and get tears in my eyes. Worst feeling ever.

The feeling of your mother abandoning you and never coming back, ever. A deep homesick feeling and nothing or no one can help it.

That’s how it feels.

Let’s turn the coin and talk about living real life searching for my biological mother everywhere I went my entire life. Most adoptees can relate 100%. This isn’t a dream. This is real life. I mean today, September 7, 2017 I know where my birth mother is.

She’s dead.

I no longer search for her  but these episodes sparked by FEAR of being abandoned and rejected, LEFT & LOST take me back to the unresolved emotional wounds that are under the surface from being an adoptee.

It’s scary!

It’s complicated.

Adoption is complicated.

All adoptees are different.

Not all adoptees can sympathize with this type of issue, yet some can.

It seriously messed me up and I still haven’t gotten myself back right yet.

I want to tell my guy, but I don’t want to burden him or anyone else with my issues so I have shared it here instead. Maybe one day I’ll get up enough courage to share this blog post with him, until then I will keep it to myself for fear of……

To me, this is one example of so many I could share how adoptees are tormented by emotional and psychological issues we carry regarding being adopted. It might seem small to some, but this type of thing happens daily for many adoptees, and sometimes hourly and more. It’s a constant mental struggle and it’s exhausting just to be alive most days.

Adoption is a permanent solution to what is most of the time a temporary problem and adoptees are the ones doing the life sentence. We pay the price for life, while the rest of the world glorifies how they think we should feel, gratefulness.

I’m sick of adoption. Because of all the real true dynamics, I know and feel and live regarding all the pain, grief, loss and trauma that happens when a child is adopted is why I am deeply saddened anytime a child is adopted and separated from their first families. I am me alone, yet I see and hear the pain and heartache from hundreds of adoptees all over the world that I’m acquainted with. Please believe I am not singing this tune all alone. We create our own army and support one another and validate one another.

If you are an adoptive parent and you have made it this far I commend you for reading. I appreciate it. It takes courage to make the choice to try to learn from adult adoptees. Please look up my tab that says “Adoptee Blogs” and save it as a favorite and you will have never ending knowledge based on real TRUE experience from those who know adoption the most- The Adoptee.

Adoptees, can you relate?

Have you ever had anything like this happen?

How did you diffuse out of it?

Thanks for reading,

Pamela A Karanova



11 thoughts on “The Girl in the Grocery Store

  1. I SOOOOO needed this today! THANK YOU for sharing! I’m a 57 year old adult adoptee. I’ve had a remarkably great few months as I’ve been involved in some different therapies than previously and was, I THOUGHT, in a very different place. Today I was asked by my adoptive mother to come and visit after six years and my inner child flipped the hell out all over the place. Fortunately she only flipped out at home and didn’t spill over onto anyone else but she flipped just the same and I now feel very defeated and sad and totally like a failure AGAIN. It IS a life-long process. I’m so sick of feeling like the only ones in the world that are damaged are US. But it SO feels like that. Thanks so much again for sharing your posts. This one was a total gift to me today. Lot’s of hearts and hugs.

    1. Hi Michelle,

      So glad this post was helpful to you. I wasn’t sure when writing it if it was something I wanted to even share because it’s so personal and I’m always afraid of being misunderstood by others AND I’m afraid people will think I’m playing the victim, when that is not the case. You are so right at adoption damaging us and I’ve felt that defeated feeling you are speaking of so many times.

      So sorry for your experience in your inner child flipping out. That’s something I’m interested in learning more about, and I have done some research on. It’s fascinating to me how so much is tied to our inner child. I’m sure it was refreshing it didn’t spill to anyone else, yet traumatizing in it’s own way. 😦 So sorry.

      About 2 years ago, I came to a place of acceptance of adoption pain is always something that’s going to linger on and impact me in a negative way for the rest of my days on earth. It was not easy but necessary for my mental health and well being. I was involved in a religious organization, more like a CULT that convinced me I was going to be Healed. They made me feel like I wasn’t doing something right, needless to say this only stalled my healing and being able to accept this crap shot and move forward. Sharing because I know when I have episodes like I did at the store, it’s all a part of being adopted, like your episode was.

      I’m so glad I decided to share my traumatic event and that you found it. There is a lot of validating in connecting stories and knowing we aren’t alone. Thank you for reaching out to me and please believe you are not alone. Our responses are natural for a not natural situation, nothing about adoption is natural.

      Blessings to you! ❤

  2. Oh my gosh. I could never understand why I felt that way but you just nailed it. Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t talk to my man about it either because he can’t fathom it. I just feel more alone when I have to explain it.

    1. Hi Sherri,

      So glad you could resonate with this blog post, yet also sad anyone else deals with these issues. 😦 It’s so validating to know we aren’t alone. My fellow adoptees (You) are the reason I keep sharing because the days we feel isolated and alone are over.

      I totally get it when you don’t talk to your man about it. I’ve always been so bent out of shape if whomever I’m dating or in a relationship with doesn’t want to TRY to learn about how I feel but with all this nonsense, who would want to be burdened with such nonsense? I feel like I sound crazy to non-adoptees because like you said, they can’t fathom. There is really no point in trying to explain because they will never be able to comprehend but I do wish there was one person in the world that would sit down and say, “Hey, I want to know about that. Can you share your feelings with me?”. I feel that’s what significant others should do for one another regardless if we’re talking about adoption, divorce, rape, etc.

      I agree with you in feeling more alone when I have to explain it. It’s a strange feeling when a non-adoptee is looking at you while your sharing something regarding adoption and they just look at you… They are in fear of saying the wrong thing, and generally want to change the conversation because it gets uncomfortable so they say something like “Well it’s wonderful your birth mother gave you life, aren’t you thankful?”.

      At that point I only want to gouge the persons eyes out so all is def pointless. lol ❤

    1. Hello Beautiful,

      You are so right on this and needed the reminder. Hugs right back to you!!!!!!!!!!! Love! ❤

  3. Hi Pamela, I just want to say…”I can relate”. This hit so close to home, it made me cry. I have been there, more times than I can say or admit. The trauma of being abandoned stays with you always. It takes an extremely strong significant other to live through this, when I found mine, it made a world of difference. After almost 30 years, my husband still tells me where he’s at, etc, because of the panic I will feel when I can’t find him. My kids???? This is even a different story than him, but we’re not even opening that can of worms (fyi: it’s a happy story). The hubby knows I have abandonment issues, rejection issues, along with many other issues, stemming from being adopted. It’s sad, but true. I have learned to tell myself I’m being silly, acceptance of the fear is very helpful…….I hope you find your fear acceptance…it’s hard, I’m still looking, it’s a work in progress. I’m giving you a huge hug, thank you for being so open. We are in this “life sentence” together.

    1. Hi JC,

      I needed your message today like you needed to read my post and know you aren’t alone.

      I’m so glad you have found someone who is willing to walk this out with you. I know that panic you are speaking of all too well and I’m working on finding the switch between reality of the here and now and my response being from the past abandonment. It seems easy to say, but when an episode is triggered it seems impossible for me anyway to flip that switch. I wish I could find a good therapist and get back in therapy soon. This entire year has been so overwhelming to me.

      Thank you for the hug and I send it right back to you! Glad to know we are in this together! ❤ XOXO P

  4. My dear friend,
    This makes so much sense and I completely validate you in your feelings like you were abandoned and fear that followed. Its an reenactment of your child being abandoned. I carry around this fear daily. I mean daily! I refuse to believe it makes me feel as though I haven’t arrived in healing process.
    It just means that every day I have a certain fear that grips me of what kind of day I will have, what surprises with take place, etc… It’s all trauma, reenactment, and then feeling like an idiot because of the false message that weve been given when we have feelings of abandonment and fear.
    Your writing shows how much progress your actually achieving. Speaking about it, writing about it and sharing with us . Getting it all out so that shit (fear) isn’t just sitting there tormenting us more than what we already have experienced.

    1. Hi Steph,

      Thank you so much for THIS.

      I’m always glad to know I’m not alone, and then the other part is sad others experience the same or similar because I know how hard it is. But it is extremely validating and we all need that, this is one of the reasons I write.

      I’ve come to the understanding that FEAR is the root of almost all of my issues, and it comes in waves. You are so right that getting it out is so important! I guess I just feel disappointed it keeps popping up. I mean I have accepted it’s here to stay, because the damage is primal and the wounds are so deep but knowing I will have this struggle forever is discouraging and emotional in itself.

      I do have hope that as time passes it will hopefully get easier…

      TORMENT is my experience daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute. It’s at the forefront and I despise it. I try to stay busy so I don’t have to think but as you and I know it follows us. I can only do what I keep doing.

      Moving forward, one step at a time. ❤

      HUGS TO YOU!!!

  5. Hey, I’m not an adoptee but my grandparents have actually taken me under their wing because my parents gave up on me. I can’t imagine how it feels to have been adopted (or to have been given up for adoption), but I feel like I can’t come to terms with the fact that my parents just. stopped. caring. So even though we’re going through 2 different things, I wish you all the best and to stay strong. 🙂

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