Here I am again, searching.
(Please see previous blog post)
I must admit that when I learned I have another sister out there somewhere my entire being became overfilled with grief, anxiety, sadness & determination all mixed in one.
I can’t believe I’m at THIS PLACE…
AGAIN…
I can’t believe I’m searching…
AGAIN…
It’s like I’m entering the twilight zone and I have no idea if I will ever come out. Coming out would mean finding HER. And this has nothing to do with what I find.
What IF
What IF
What IF…
What if I find her and she rejects me? What if I find her and she’s in the grave? What if I find her and she is ______ or _____?
I’M TORMENTED BY NOT KNOWING!
I NEED THE TRUTH!
I described in my previous blog post a little of my feelings about navigating this new journey. For me, and many adoptees it’s like an open wound that won’t heal until the search is complete, if it ever completes. I have to face the facts that sometimes the search never completes, and then I would have this nagging torment I would deal with forever.
I hate the feeling that nags at my spirit and my soul that is searching for my people. The dark cloud has reappeared and it follows me everywhere.
I need to know who she is.
I need to see her face.
I need to know the TRUTH.
WHERE IS SHE?
WHO IS SHE?
HOW IS SHE?
How anyone on this earth can have a sibling or family and not know who they are is beyond me. I have always had this deep DEEP desire to find and know my people. I know my adoption journey has everything to do with it and my natural God given right to know my people, my tribe was taken from me. This has increased my desire to find them and TAKE BACK WHAT WAS STOLEN from me.
I will never stop searching. What I’m having a hard time doing now is finding that balance between my life before I found this news out and my current state of mind. My current state of mind is unsettled. Adoptees like things CERTAIN, BLACK AND WHITE. With this missing link out there somewhere my spirit is uneasy. It’s causing me major agitation and I can’t get it off my mind. I’m obsessed with finding HER! Just like I was with my birth mother and my birth father and my other siblings.
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
I’m obsessed with finding HER yet I have no information on HER.
It’s honestly pissing me off! I’m angry once again, that I have to experience this. Those close to me will be impacted because they will be able to tell something is different. I’m not sugar coating my feelings HERE. I pray daily God give me grace to navigate this journey. It’s HEAVY!
My fear…
WHAT IF I SEARCH FOREVER AND I NEVER FIND HER?
I can’t stay in this place forever.
I NEED TO FIND HER.
Things feel out of control.
I’m not okay with it.
My mind hasn’t stopped racing since I found out about HER. So now I have to put some action behind this. I mailed my DNA test off to Ancestry DNA. I’m praying I make some high DNA matches and possibly making a connection to my sister.
I decided to make my search public so other’s could see what adoptees experience when we don’t have our truth. I also want other adoptees to know they aren’t alone in feeling the way they do.
I’ll update more later. For now, I’m waiting on my ancestry results to come back. Please pray for me and I will pray for you too!
Can any adoptees here relate to the way I feel regarding searching? Pre- search and post-search are both mixed bags or emotions. How has searching made you feel?
Pamela Karanova
Pamela Karanova 
Two Octobers ago, I learned I have a younger brother. This is after being told I was an only child all through my reunion–5+ years–with my (bio) mother.
This is what I wrote in my journal that day:
“I searched for my families for 35 years total. Most of my life. I’ve spent SO much energy and time and money searching. I thought I was finally done. I was so happy and so relieved to
FINALLY
BE
DONE.
But I’m not. Now I have to find my brother.
I’m so sick, so tired, so discouraged, so overwhelmed. So angry. I guess I’ll always be searching. I guess that’s just my shitty lot in this shitty fucking life.
It’s not right. It’s not right.”
I did find him–or rather, he found me–via DNA testing. We’re building a relationship, and I’m thrilled.
Am I finally done searching? I hope so. But at this point, I never assume.
I know you’ll never give up. I never would have. What’s more important than finding lost family? Seriously.
Renee,
Thank you for THIS. I needed to read it. Your words are exactly how I feel. EXACTLY. Those close to me who aren’t adopted have no clue at all the dynamics of what we carry. I think I’m the most pissed I can’t stop thinking about this and before this I was actually at a pretty good place in life, and now it’s taken over. you are right I will never give up and my feelings aren’t the least bit associated with HER. It’s not her fault at all. She’s totally worth it. I just hate the feeling of searching and it’s very triggering to me.
But you are right, what’s more important than finding long lost family?
N O T H I N G… Let the journey begin! AGAIN & AGAIN if need be. ❤