“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out whey they’re falling in.” – Desmond Tutu
Desmond Tutu’s powerful quote reminds us that addressing the root causes of a problem is crucial in creating lasting change. As an adoptee, I have often felt like I am constantly trying to pull myself out of the emotional waters of grief, loss, and sadness that come with being separated from my birth family and my adoption experience.
But just like Tutu suggests, it’s not enough to address the symptoms of our pain – We also need to look upstream and understand why we are feeling this way in the first place.
Being adopted is a complex and multifaceted experience that involves a deep sense of loss and longing for connection. As adoptees, we often find ourselves struggling to navigate the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss, and it can feel overwhelming at times. But by delving into the root issues of our emotions, grief, and loss, we can begin to heal and move forward more meaningfully.
By exploring why we feel the way we do, we can start to make sense of our adoptee experiences and find ways to cope with our feelings of sadness and loss. This may involve seeking therapy, connecting with other adoptees, or using The Grief Recovery Method to understand our identities better. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a necessary one if we want to truly heal from the wounds of adoption.
So, let’s take Tutu’s wise words to heart and begin going upstream to find out why we are falling into the waters of grief and loss. By addressing the root causes of our pain, we can start to build a stronger foundation for our emotional well-being and create a more meaningful connection to ourselves and our experiences as adoptees.
I am excited to share that I have become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® via The Grief Recovery Institute® so I can be a lifeline in helping my fellow adoptees navigate the muddy waters of adoption, grief, and loss. If we’re being transparent, all adoptions are rooted in loss first. I genuinely believe adoptees shouldn’t have to grieve alone. So, let’s go upstream and get to the root of our loss together.
Why is adoptee grief work so important to me as an adult adoptee?
Let me first start by sharing with you what life has been like as an adoptee grieving, with no adults or professionals in my life helping me identify that I was grieving, let alone have the tools to work on such complex grief.
I invite you to imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine me alone in a little white room with no one else in sight. Imagine me wearing a straight jacket, with duct tape over my mouth and a bandage over my eyes, so I can’t see anything, move, or speak.
This exercise is a representation of no one in my life helping me identify that I was grieving and that I had every right to grieve the loss of my biological mother, first family, ethnicity, medical history, etc. The tape resembles no one listening, even when I have been talking about how it feels to be adopted for well over a decade and a half.
I have had big adoptee feelings my whole life that have felt like a dark cloud hanging over my head, mixed with a hollow and empty feeling inside, not knowing who I was or where I came from. The blindfold over my eyes resembles having no tools, help, or road map on how to heal.
Imagine this: I begin to share my heartbreak with the world, but instead of HELP ME, they turn the lights out, close the door of the little white room, and walk away as if I don’t matter, nor do my feelings on how adoption has impacted me. Imagine me being in this dark room all alone, from the time I was born, separated from my birth mother, to my mid to late 40s.
Next, picture me throwing myself into the wall and even banging my head up against the wall. Despite the duct tape being over my mouth, I scream, “HELP ME!”
No one comes.
No one helps me.
Not the countless counselors or therapists I saw starting at age five up until 2024 helped me understand I am grieving. None of my adoptive parents or birth parents helped me process or acknowledge I was grieving, and the way I was feeling was entirely normal for a not-normal situation, like being separated from my biological family at the beginning of life.
I have been entirely alone in that little dark room, with a straight jacket on, duct tape over my mouth, and a blindfold over my eyes, banging my head and body up against the wall, screaming, HELP ME! my entire life.
During the duration of my life, I have been labeled with countless labels, been prescribed medications to alter my outlook on life, and been in and out of group homes, detention centers, jail cells, mental health facilities, and even drug and alcohol rehab and not one professional helped me identify that I was grieving. Even in my darkest moments, on the edge of planning to leave the world, not one person helped me identify I had been grieving.
We have a grief crisis going on in the adoption community.
I have tried everything under the sun to fix myself, heal, and find internal wholeness and happiness. The minute I made the connection on my own, that I had been grieving since the moment I took my first breath after being separated from my birth mother, was the minute my whole world changed.
It was like the sun came out and shone brighter than ever. The flowers started to bloom immediately, my broken heart slowly healed, and I began to walk in my truth like never before. Once I made this lifesaving connection for myself, I knew it would be the key for many adoptees to find healing and wholeness that has never been available to our community.
From a lifetime of inner turmoil, torment, and heartbreak, I knew that there was a missing link in truthful and authentic conversations about adoption when it comes to illuminating the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss. This was when I started to research grief about my adoption experience, and I discovered many grief recovery tools, but none stood out as The Grief Recovery Method did. I knew The Grief Recovery Method would be a significant healing modality to not only help me heal but something I could share with my fellow adoptees to help them as well.
Adoptees shouldn’t be ending their lives because their grief is too much to carry with no tools, but they are, and I know why. I was one of those adoptees for most of my life. Making the grief connection and working on the emotional wounds that relinquishment and adoption caused has saved my life.
If you are an adoptee reading this, I hope the same for you. I am here to help you implement The Grief Recovery Method into your life so you can finally feel the freedom you deserved all along.
Adoptee grief work through the Grief Recovery Method is essential to me because it provides a safe and supportive space for me to process and heal from the unique losses and traumas that come with being adopted. This is why I became a Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist because this is an area I am exceptionally passionate about. So many things about GRM that I love, but one of them is it gives us the ability to recovery. I am always leery of programs that don’t and there are many out there.
By acknowledging, accepting, addressing and working through my grief, I can better understand and navigate the complex adoptee emotions and experiences that have impacted me throughout my life. This process allows me to honor and acknowledge my adoptee past while creating space for growth, healing, and a sense of peace and acceptance.
Adoptee grief work through the Grief Recovery Method is an essential tool for me, as an adoptee to heal and move forward in a healthy and empowered way. If you are adopted, I would love to take you on this journey with me. I am offering one-on-one workshops for fellow adoptees. Please visit my website’s Grieve, Grow, Glo tab to learn my workshop details, times, and dates, and sign up as soon as possible – they will fill up fast.
Are you wondering if the Grief Recovery Method is for you?
Click here to set up a 30-minute discovery call with Pamela. She can answer any questions and help you register if you think the workshop might benefit you!
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®
Pamela A. Karanova – Adult Adoptee
Pamela A. Karanova is an adult adoptee with a heart for helping her fellow adoptees and those in the adoption constellation illuminate the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss. Several years ago, Pamela thought she was going to die from a broken heart from her adoption experience and has struggled with grief, loss, sadness, and a broken heart for most of her life. She believes the sooner the grief component is addressed in adoption circles, specifically for adoptees, the sooner the adoptee and adoptive families begin to heal. Pamela is a Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist® and personal experience as an adoptee who is well versed in her adoption journey, will assist countless adoptees in healing so that, eventually, they can find freedom from the heartbreak adoption brings so many of us.
Do you need support sooner than later?
Booking a one-on-one table talk session below with Pamela while on the waiting list for a workshop can be an excellent way to connect and get to know one another. The Table Talk provides a lifeline for adoptees eagerly waiting to dive into the workshop content. During these intimate sessions, there is a unique opportunity to share personal experiences, ask questions, and receive guidance from someone who has been in your shoes. It’s a chance to build a supportive relationship and gain valuable insights that can help navigate the challenges of the adoptee journey. These sessions offer a sense of connection and understanding that can be genuinely empowering while waiting for the workshop to begin, and the insights gained can bring a sense of hope and optimism to your journey.
Here are some of my favorite articles I have written on The Real Adoptea Moxie Substack about adoption, grief & loss:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We’ve Learned About Adoptee Grief by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoptee Holiday Grief, The Gift That Keeps on Giving by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption, Grieve, Grow, Glo, Ready, Set, Go by Pamela A. Karanova
Acknowledging Immeasurable Adoptee Grief, The Real Mother by Pamela A. Karanova
When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love by Pamela A. Karanova
I’m Adopted, HELP ME! by Pamela A. Karanova
Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is experiencing a serious mental health event, such as suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please dial 911 and seek immediate help by contacting a licensed therapist or reaching out to the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text #988 for assistance and support.
Please note that we are not licensed therapists or mental health professionals, and therefore, we are not liable for any actions taken based on the information provided on this platform. Your mental health and safety are of utmost importance, and we encourage you to seek professional help in times of crisis.
Recommendations
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Rating: 5 out of 5.
“Pamela A. Karanovas has been an absolute lifeline for me as an adopted adult. Her advocacy work and ability to provide personalized support have truly made a difference in my life. Through one-on-one Table Talk sessions, she has offered valuable tools and resources that have helped me navigate my unique journey of adoption. Her understanding of grief and loss in the adoptee journey has been incredibly insightful and comforting. I highly recommend connecting with her for anyone in need of validation and support.” – Jeanette M. Boston, MA. USA.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Rating: 5 out of 5.
“I cannot thank Pamela A. Karanovas enough for the support she has provided me as an adopted adult. Her personalized approach to advocacy and her ability to tailor resources to fit my specific needs has been invaluable. Through our one-on-one Table Talk sessions, she has offered validation and understanding that have truly made a difference in my healing process. Her expertise in grief and loss has been a guiding light for me, as well as attending my local Adoptees Connect group. I highly recommend reaching out to her for anyone in need of a compassionate lifeline.” – Wendy L. Davenport, IA. USA.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Rating: 5 out of 5.
“Pamela A. Karanovas is a true gem in the world of advocacy for adopted adults. She has spent so much time and energy in creating resources for adult adoptees. Her ability to provide personalized support and resources based on individual needs is unmatched. Through my one-on-one Table Talk sessions with her, I have found validation and understanding that have been crucial in my healing journey. Her expertise in grief and loss has provided me with a sense of comfort and guidance, and learning about The Grief Recovery Method as an adoptee has been life-changing. I highly recommend connecting with her for anyone in need of a supportive lifeline. She truly is a beacon of light in the adoption community.” – Michelle T. – Sydney, AU.
Pamela A. Karanova 