Category: Letting Go.

Mother, I’ve been tied to this pain for so long and each day I awake I desire for it to be gone.

It’s like a dark cloud hanging over my head.

It starts each morning as soon as I rise out of bed.

You never leave my mind.

How can I let it go?

 It’s all I have of you, you know?

It’s deep in my soul and always appears when I’m low, usually nobody knows.

When there is nothing to hang on to, no memories and no history, all I have is the pain.

Is that why I’m hanging on to this pain so long?

In your memory, it’s clenched tight.

 I know deep down its blocking some of God’s light.

It’s been 40 years now.

It feels like a bag of bones and it’s heavy to carry.

But if I let it go, what will I have?

There are no memories to remember, no future, and no forever.

I thought of saving a piece, folding it up and putting it away.

Then I can take it out on a rainy day.

Because then you will know I never forgot you. I never want you to think I forgot about you.

But God said, “NO, you are my child, and I want your heart to be healed. You’ve had enough rainy days”

Mother, I’m tired of carrying this pain.

 I know I have to let go, but there are a few things I need you to know.

Just because I let go of the pain, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.

It doesn’t mean I don’t hold you close to my heart.

It doesn’t mean I’m trading you for anything.

It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you, because I do.

It just means that I’ve made the choice to move forward with my life, and let go of the pain.

I need this for myself, my kids and for my future.

I will ALWAYS hold you close to my heart, because you are the woman I dreamed of knowing from the very start.

So let me ask

 Mother May I?

 Let go of the pain?

Because holding it so tight, I know I have nothing to gain.

Mother May I let go of the pain?

Pamela Karanova

Lexington, KY

Reunited Adult Adoptee