Mother May I…

Mother May I
Mother, I’ve been tied to this pain for so long and each day I awake I desire for it to be gone.
It’s like a dark cloud hanging over my head.
It starts each morning as soon as I rise out of bed.
You never leave my mind.
How can I let it go?
 It’s all I have of you, you know?
It’s deep in my soul and always appears when I’m low, usually nobody knows.
When there is nothing to hang on to, no memories and no history, all I have is the pain.
Is that why I’m hanging on to this pain so long?
In your memory, it’s clenched tight.
 I know deep down its blocking some of God’s light.
It’s been 40 years now.
It feels like a bag of bones and it’s heavy to carry.
But if I let it go, what will I have?
There are no memories to remember, no future, and no forever.
I thought of saving a piece, folding it up and putting it away.
Then I can take it out on a rainy day.
Because then you will know I never forgot you. I never want you to think I forgot about you.
But God said, “NO, you are my child, and I want your heart to be healed. You’ve had enough rainy days”
Mother, I’m tired of carrying this pain.
 I know I have to let go, but there are a few things I need you to know.
Just because I let go of the pain, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold you close to my heart.
It doesn’t mean I’m trading you for anything.
It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you, because I do.
It just means that I’ve made the choice to move forward with my life, and let go of the pain.
I need this for myself, my kids and for my future.
I will ALWAYS hold you close to my heart, because you are the woman I dreamed of knowing from the very start.
So let me ask
 Mother May I?
 Let go of the pain?
Because holding it so tight, I know I have nothing to gain.
Mother May I let go of the pain?
Mother:  “YES YOU MAY” 
Healing by discovering my truth & sharing it with the world one blog post at a time…
Pamela Karanova
Lexington, KY
Reunited Adult Adoptee

7 thoughts on “Mother May I…

  1. Yes, I have let go of the pain from the birther. I have chosen to move forward after finding out what a hateful person she is. Yes, I still have pain, but it's different now. I am making memories with my bio family now. It helps, but it will never fully take the pain away from adoption. We all should have our OBC! We need to know our medical history, our roots, we need to know our family!Just another adoptee, Holly. Searched for years and years to find the truth. It shouldn't be like this, but it is. Lets get these laws changed!

  2. Holly, So blessed to have you in my life! I wish I was one of the adoptees who looked at my birth mother as my “Birther”, because I've heard others state the similar as well. It may be easier for me to just close the door and move on? Not sure, but I have always had the deep rooted sadness that's really hard to describe to non adopted people, I know you get it, and most other adoptees get it. No matter what I found out about my birth mother, I still wanted her in my life. But, she wasn't hateful to me so maybe that's why It's been so hard to let go of her. But the great thing is, God gives us a new day everyday. And after writing this I've made the decision I needed to let go of her, because it's truly holding me back from many areas of my life. It doesn't mean I don't love her and wish things were different. Another crazy part is, I have searched and found every single biological family member, yet I'm still restricted from receiving my Original Birth Certificate (OBC). Totally makes no sense what so ever. I'm been praying about trying to go get mine, and fighting that good fight for other adoptees, who may not be so fortunate as me. I know everything, so why can't they give me MY OBC? Totally ridiculous. It's difficult for me, because I live in a different state than where I was born, so I'm not sure if I wanna get on the AR bandwagon in the state I reside, or the one I was born in, which would be a distance to do anything. So I'm just sitting still right now, doing what I can online. I have a story to tell, and I won't stop speaking until all adoptees are treated fairly. Blessings lady! XO

  3. I have read this poem before, probably when you first posted it. This time it has affected me differently. Maybe because I am working harder on myself and getting freer. Or I am feeling much more than I ever have it is probably both. I felt it, feel this way, but could never put words to what was going on in me, why I was not getting any better. Even after dealing with my abuse issues. I still felt a deep sadness, depression. My therapist asked me today, what do I do to get out of the dark hole of depression, I have to admit I don’t think I have completely gotten out if the whole. I am still searching, right now u am starting to think she does not want to be found. So my question is, is it possible to let go even without answers. Oh man I with I was somewhere alone and can cry.

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