I can write for hours about what the last 6 months of my life has been like. It has truly been the hardest 6 months of my life.
It was clear to me I needed to take a weekend break away from the internet all together. It was clear I needed to get alone with God and restore some of what I had lost over the last 6 months. I don’t write much about some personal areas of my life but I do generally write about my life being adopted. That is my gift, it is my ministry, it’s been my biggest hurt in life. So that is what I write about. That doesn’t mean I don’t have other struggles, strengths, and hopes!
This past week I felt myself slowly sinking on a ship to NOWHERE!
God put it on my heart to take a break from the internet!
ALL OF IT!
I didn’t even go anywhere! I just stayed off the internet!
I’m so glad I was obedient to what God was telling me to do!
It actually felt like a mini vacation not being pulled in 100 different directions which is what the internet seems to do these days. I am praying about whether I’m doing too much or whether I just needed a break to recoup.
My break really helped.
I know my fellow adoptees can relate to the heaviness we can sometimes feel regarding our adoption experiences. It seems the emotions, situations, and triggers come in waves. We never know when they are going to come, and we never know how sever they are or how high the wave might be. I wish it would all just go away, but so far I’m still working on finding out my truth so I can once and for all accept it and move forward with my life. Being stuck in limbo is no fun. Learning to ride the waves is the key, and keeping my eyes focused on God is a huge part of being able to do this.
Aside from my adoptee issues, what happens when regular life issues come and they come all at once or around the same time? We have no choice but to be strong, stronger than anyone can imagine. When life tries to knock us down, we have to make the choice to be STRONG and get back up and keep moving forward. Sometimes that means evaluating people, places and things we have in our lives or around us that are bringing us down and letting them go.
It’s not easy to let people go, but for our own peace of mind it’s critical. How can we heal from our adoptee experiences with negative situations around us? How do we even live life with negative or toxic people around us?
It’s impossible!
I’m on a healing journey and have been for over 4 years now. I have eliminated toxic people and worked really hard at not being a toxic person. It’s been critical that I really evaluate relationships in my life and gain an understanding if they are helping me or hurting me? This change hasn’t happened overnight. It’s taken a lot of dedication, hard work and sacrifice but if I ever wanted my kids and future grandkids to have a better life than what I did, it was essential I start to work on my deep rooted abandonment & rejection issues from my adoption experience. It’s been important to me I don’t continue to keep it a secret of where my pain has come from.
How can we help others if we keep it to ourselves?
How can I help anyone if I don’t take care of myself?
For some of my readers who aren’t adopted, who simply can’t relate I commend you for reading this far. It means either you are interested in trying to learn or maybe you are a personal friend of mine? Not sure, but glad you are here. That’s amazing in itself. I know for most non-adoptees they simply can’t relate because they aren’t adopted but there are people out there who are generally interested in learning. I recently had a non-adoptee comment on comparing my life to theirs, when really there is no comparison. Their story is theirs, and mine is mind. No two stories are alike. I just chose to share my journey with the world, mainly to help my fellow adoptees understand they aren’t alone.
I WAS ALL ALONE!
For me, when life hands me lemons I have had to make the choice to get alone with God and work it on out! Besides my online adoptee community who I adore, there is no one in my real life close to me who can relate to my struggles. If they can, not many of them share or talk about it. I talk about it because I want to heal. I’m not keeping my feelings a secret anymore.
Taking a break from LIFE is sometimes necessary. Taking a break from the internet is a vacation long overdue. I need to do it more. Cutting toxic people out of our lives is necessary. Not feeling bad about setting boundaries is critical. If you are adopted, you have already lost so much. It’s really important you take time for you to heal and be alone with God. He is where I get my strength and he is my comforter. I don’t get comfort in things of the world. I get my comfort in the Lord.
With that being said, I’M BACK!
Thank you for being patient with me, supporting me and for reading!
Pamela Karanova 
Hi Pamela – I relate to so much of what you have to say and feel except for the fact that I’m not adopted. But we find ourselves in a club that we need to speak up about but that many don’t want to hear. I’ve had to cleanse my life of toxic people too who were too emotionally shallow to appreciate someone in trauma from separation of a loved one whether through adoption or suicide. (Sorry if this analogy is clumsy.) They’d demean and belittle my experience is if it was no big deal. “Everyone has tragedy.” “Quit making it about you!” In other words suck it up and quit whining.
J. Brooks,
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m glad you can relate and I’m not alone. Adoptee or no adoptee! 😀
Your analogy is perfectly clear to me. It seems exhausting to be in the positions we are in by trying to share our experiences, raise awareness and try to get people to understand. All while many demean and belittle our experiences. That is happened to me my entire life so I can sure relate to it. Then you have those who say, “Your just stuck in the past” or “You just had a bad experience!” as if our feelings are isolated and we are the only ones that have experienced this. That’s the great part about sharing our stories, although they are very different ends of the spectrum they are very much a like. We both have experienced great pain, and if it was that easy to “JUST GET OVER IT” wouldn’t we have gotten over it by now? I mean seriously, I would love to wake up one day and take a “Deep Down Happy Pill” and erase all the pain, trauma and grief & loss. But for now, until that pill exists I choose to share my grief, loss and strengths and hopes here in my blog, as you do in our blog. I mean what better way to heal and also help others at the same time. People are reading, and although our audiences might be different I am sure there are MANY adoptive parents that reach out to you who are desperate to try to understand as I have that coming from adoptees, and some adoptive parents as well.
It’s all part of the healing process. Sharing is healing. I feel we are right where we need to be considering our circumstances. I keep writing for those who just don’t seem to “Get it”. I keep writing for my fellow adoptees who truly feel alone. My heart breaks for them, because that was once me. No resources to help us, and just very deep lonely feelings of sadness, no amount of love or money can mend. Hard to describe but healing is possible, but only if we are allowed these places where we can share.
So glad we have connected! You aren’t alone! ❤
We all need a break sometimes. I’m so glad you recognized when you did. I need to do the same…and soon.
AstridBeeMom- I am glad you can relate to this. I have never had this unshakable feeling like I just needed to “GO AWAY” from the online world for a few days like I did this past weekend. It was AMAZING at the peace I received from it. I feel its essential we find the balance for our own sanity! And we aren’t afraid to step away when that time comes. Hope you get that time away soon, and do something nice for yourself. 🙂 ❤