Category: Blog. Lexington

A Whirlwind But Coming Out On Top

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova3 Comments

What does “On Top” mean?

Well for me it means I’ve decided in my mind I’m working on moving forward from this previous season of my life.

My whirlwind has been more like a tornado.

It’s been a difficult season, but life is difficult right? What I’m finding out that yes, life is difficult but having things happen in life that are difficult are HARD for many people but this adoptee “thing” is also hard. So for me being in recovery and dealing with this adoptee “thing” and the “life in general” thing it’s extremely difficult and the last few months it’s been extra heavy.

I found myself slipping into a depression after I came back from Iowa from meeting biological family for the first time on my birth fathers side. My amazing cousin was so welcoming and it’s honestly the first time anyone on my birth fathers side welcomed me. I was overwhelmed with emotions not so much during the 2 trips to Iowa, but after I returned and settled back from the trip.

It’s strange to me that my entire life I have dreamed of being welcomed by them, someone, anyone and when that dream happens I’m overwhelmed with emotions I didn’t expect… The journey has been pain for me all the way back to being a 5 year old child learning of my “adoption status”. Confusion and mental torment took over and essentially, it’s never left.

So finally I’m embraced by my cousin, her father and his wife, (my aunt and uncle). On the flip side my birth father still refuses to acknowledge me and has disregarded I’m his daughter. Mixed emotions about this. I’m so thankful for my new found cousin, but reality is I still have to process what was lost.

This is easier said than done.

I know my fellow adoptees get it.

I’ve shared in a previous blog post Being Born a Burden my experience on my trip so I won’t share all the dynamics.

Basically a few months ago, when I returned from these trips depression began to set in. No motivation, and other life issues just took me down. I didn’t drink, thank God but at times I felt like I wanted too. Not for the alcohol, just to not feel all the pain I was feeling. The surrealness of seeing my grandmothers house she lived in when I was a child was an overwhelming emotional experience for me. Something felt like I had never been there physically but my spirit had been there. It was almost like an out of body experience, hard to describe.

Finding out I have a sister out there, and my new Ancestry DNA sample and test didn’t bring any good hits on making a connection. This was another major disappointment for me that mixed with my emotions of finding I have a sister to begin with who knows nothing about me, and I have no information on her.

I called my birth father to see if he would tell me any information on this long lost sister. He said he didn’t know her name, her mothers name and he didn’t remember my mothers name! He said “She doesn’t bother me like you do!” and the conversation quickly fizzled. More disappointment and hurt of losing more from adoption.

Why the world things adoption doesn’t impact adoptees for a lifetime is beyond me.

It’s heartbreaking. 

NAAM17 Has been triggering! I literally had multiple adoptees lash out at me on social media!!! This is tragic! Hard to grasp and understand!

So emotions have been swirling, I’ve been taking sleeping pills to just sleep things off and obviously that’s not going to work for very long. Sleeping pills slowly turned into a cocktail of pills, anti depressant, muscle relaxer, and an anxiety medication all non-narcotic because my doctor knows I’m in recovery and I have a very addictive personality. Yet I slowly started to take more pills and more of these same pills just to be able to go to sleep and not feel things. I’ve been stuck in this depressive cycle for a few months now. I thankfully learned this was an unhealthy pattern I was experiencing and I needed to do something about it. Emotionally eating has taken hold. Seasonal Depression has set in, and holidays are EXTREMELY hard for many adoptees, including me.

There is no help for adoptees, not yet anyway.

Soon Adoptees Connect – Lexington, KY will connect and a support system will be built in my area.

I woke up a few days ago and decided if I was being honest with myself, and those close to me I needed to talk to my doctor about this issue I was having and tell her I wanted to discontinue all medications. I did just that.

Now, I’m weaning myself off a anti-depressant and stopped the other medications with no desire to take anymore.

Now I will be feeling again.

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This is daunting for a person who internalizes everything and a very deep thinker. All I can do is take one day at a time. I decided to share THIS because I know some people have missed me, missed my Facebook posts but I tend to isolate when I’m going through things but I’m always with God. He’s my sidekick working things out behind the scenes. I don’t want to burden people with my pain, sorrow or tormenting thoughts.

In recovery we learn we are only as sick as our secrets. My secrets are in this blog and this is why I write. I have to release these things somewhere, especially when there are very few adoptees in my local area I can talk too. I do have fellow adoptees far away and they have been lifesaving! But again, I don’t want to seem like a Debbie Downer, yet this is what my life feels like much of the time.

To be quiet honest, I’m tired of the struggle. I believe I could handle life issues better, if all the adoptee “STUFF” wasn’t also overflowing on my plate. This is why I always will say adoptees are STRONG, yet much of the time we don’t feel like it.

Today, I’m excited to stop taking these medications and hopefully have my life back a little bit. Adoption triggers so many emotions for adoptees, and when multiple things hit all at once it can be paralyzing.

This is all for now, but I wanted to share where I’ve been and what’s been going on. I know many of you can relate. Have you experienced anything like this before?

Blessings,

Pamela K.

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JUST BECAUSE…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

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Seeing adoption as a beautiful thing would mean I would have to ignore the original separation between mother and child before the adoption took place. It would mean I would put on a happy face about a mother and child being separated. It would mean I would celebrate children being taken from their homelands to AMERICA where they feel like aliens, and they had NO CHOICE in the matter. I have a very soft spot in my heart for every single adopted person because I KNOW that JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ADOPTED WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR LIFE AND WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY PAIN ATTACHED TO IT.

BUT WE DO AND MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH SIMPLY BEING ALIVE!

IT’S HARD TO FEEL ALIVE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE NEVER BORN!

For every adoption to take place, that child FIRST HAD TO LOOSE THEIR ORIGINAL IDENTITY, BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES, MEDICAL HISTORY ,and much more.

 I cannot ignore this and I will not ignore the loss, grief & trauma attached to adoption so the world can feel “comfortable” it doesn’t equate me as a mean angry person.

It just means I’m HONEST and I choose to look at the whole pie not just a piece of it.

I HAVE CHOSEN TO TAKE THE BLINDERS. YOU CAN DO THE SAME. 

IF ONE MORE NON-ADOPTEE STOPS AND LISTENS AND TRIES TO LEARN I AM COMPLETING WHAT I NEED TO HERE ON EARTH. Not to mention being there for my fellow adoptees!

My life has many beautiful aspects to it but being adopted is not one of them. I am thankful for many things in life but being adopted is not one of them.

The Sky is beautiful. Nature is beautiful. Colors are beautiful.

I’m thankful for my recovery. I’m thankful for my kids. I’m thankful God has rescued me. I’m thankful for the amazing people in my life.

But I don’t think adoption is beautiful and I am not thankful I was adopted.

My pain is too great to be able to celebrate that “thing” that is the cause of my pain. If you experienced the pain adoption brings to an adoptee you might agree. If you aren’t an adoptee, you have no idea.

JUST BECAUSE…

I searched and was reunited with my biological family doesn’t mean I love my adoptive family any less.

We are each born with a natural instinct to want to know who we are and where we come from. I believe it is inside each and every one of us, some stronger than others. For me, this desire was so strong it haunted me my entire life. It was torture not knowing. But my decision to search and find had absolutely no waver on loving or not loving my adoptive family. The 2 are totally separate. Unfortunately most adoptees feel we have to keep the 2 separate to make everyone feel “comfortable” when reality is we all have enough love to go around and we should be able to be comfortable blending our 2 families together because they are ALL a part of us. Sadly being born somewhere in the middle of 2 families many of us feel we can’t do that. We are made to feel guilty and from a very early age we are shamed in many ways about our first families. Mine was split. My adoptive dad is AMAZING, and his wife also. They have always been 100% honest about everything regarding my adoption. They are supportive but I have always felt I had to keep things separate, but this is not just my case. Many adoptees feel this way.  I have no relationship with my adoptive mom so she is not in my equation. My adoptive siblings and cousins who I communicate with are ride or die and I love them all. They have been supportive and I love them for that.

For those who are in my “family” whether it is biological or adoptive whom might be lurking on my page but we have no relationship- “HI, I hope life is treating you well!”

What if adoptees could have a family reunion with both our adoptive and biological families together?  Family reunions are another sad spot for me, but I won’t go there today. We could introduce everyone and share stories with each person on how life was, and talk about fun happy times and new beginnings. WOW. That is a rare find for us. I’m not sure if that has ever happened with my fellow adoptees? Has it? It certainly hasn’t for me.

 

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my story doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past, focused on the negative and one ungrateful angry adoptee.

I share my story so I can let my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once was. I share it for them. I share it because I want the world to know where God has rescued me from. GOD ALWAYS GETS THE GLORY IN MY STORY! Please believe I wouldn’t be here today without my Heavenly Father! I share this because I am no longer a victim but I live in VICTORY. I share it because adoption hurts and I am on a healing journey. I share it because there is freedom in sharing. I share it because my story matters and your story matters. Why don’t you share your story so you can tell the world what God has done for you? I share it because the most painful thing in my life happens to be from being adopted and I never had ANY resources available to ME to help me work through my pain until I found Celebrate Recovery in 2012 and I started writing in 2011.  Find a Celebrate Recovery; they are all over the WORLD! This ministry saved my life!  I share my story because for 37 years I drank alcohol to “COPE” with the pain because I had absolutely no tools to work through abandonment & rejection issues adoption has caused me. Today I live a sober life in recovery and I am not ashamed! I share my story because adoption is portrayed as a beautiful thing, and there has never been any room for my pain. I share it in writing because no one can interrupt me here, and tell me how to feel or that I should just be grateful I wasn’t aborted. I’m angry but I have every right to be, as so many of my fellow adoptees.

How would you feel if you were lied to your whole life about how you came into this world and simple answers to your history were kept a secret from you? Oh that’s right; you can’t imagine that because you aren’t adopted. And then to have the people who love you most or all the adoption supporters turn a blind eye to your heartache and pain because they simply can’t comprehend what you are experiencing not knowing your TRUTH or REALITY IS THEY DON’T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN because it’s simply uncomfortable to talk about grief, loss & trauma. Anger can be used in a healthy way and it can activate change depending on how you use it. Anger is a part of the grieving process so before you label me as an angry adoptee, please understand that we have much reason to be angry.

Am I really focused on the negative or are many aspects of adoption TRULY negative if you take your blinders off and quit pretending that the grief, loss & trauma is not there for adoptees? Can you take your blinders off and realize that secrecy and lies are NEVER OKAY? You can say I’m focused on the negative, or you can understand and stop denying that secrecy, shame, lies and all the grief, loss & trauma adoptees endure ALONE are very heavy burdens to bear making it a negative experience. Yes, it is negative! Unless you have experienced this, YOU HAVE NO IDEA at our day in and day out heartache and pain we carry. So please stop being so judgmental.

It just so happens I have stepped out of DENIAL and I have identified where my biggest source of pain has come from=ADOPTION. You can call it negative. I call it healing my hurts. In order to heal I have to share and be HONEST and I suggest everyone go through that process in life. GET HONEST.

Where does your biggest hurt come from?

Share it with the world. No better way to heal than share untold truths and have those who understand and get it know they aren’t alone.

One thing I know is I will always share the TRUTH.

MY TRUTH

No Lies. No Secrecy. No Half Truths.

JUST BECAUSE…

I keep you at a distance doesn’t mean I don’t love you or want you in my life. It just means I have spent my life so highly misunderstood and I have had to suffer through the pain, grief, loss & trauma 100% on my own ALONE I learned very young to be independent and to self soothe my hurts.

It’s different for me to call on people for help, but God is working on me in this area. I learned very young to self soothe when it comes to grief, loss and trauma and I am the most comfortable alone with God. I love being with my kids but I am not a needy clingy person and this is because of my adoption experience. I have experienced many symptoms of RAD & usually don’t share it much but I have some attachment issues I care to not make public. But they are there and they have always been there. Adoption is TRAUMA. Every time a mother and child are separated a trauma happens. Left untreated and unrecognized by society only adds to the trauma. If you see me you would never know, because God has given me a gift as he has with many of my fellow adoptees and that gift is to be able to put on a show and to be a giver in support for everyone around. I have an encouraging gift where I love to support people, and let them know God loves them and he’s never left them! By looking at me, and talking to me you would never know my struggles are invisible, internal very deep rooted that no one around can see. There is NO ONE on this earth besides my fellow adoptees that understand this pain. God understands it all. My blog is a reflection of the inside of my invisible wounds, inside my heart and this is a place where I can take my mask off and stop pretending that everything is perfect.

Life isn’t perfect for any of us, but what are you doing with your pain? Are you letting God use you so you can help others?

ALL IMPACTED BY ADOPTION PLEASE PURCHASE:

The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child

I was alone as a child suffering through the complexities of being adopted and I am still that way when it comes to my adoption experience. Thankfully I have some close friends who don’t understand but they support me and they TRY to understand. They are irreplaceable to me. I have a few close adoptive family members that try, and then there is my fellow adoptees that follow my blog and follow me on social media.

I live for you all!

I know you get it!

You all inspire me to keep sharing the complexities of this journey. Every time one of you reaches out to me and says, “WOW! You hit the nail on the head of exactly how I have felt my entire life but I just couldn’t share it!” you all inspire me to keep writing.

Remember feeling all alone as an adoptee?

Well those days are over. Every time an adoptee finds my blog they will hopefully know they aren’t alone after reading some of it. This is why I write, for my fellow adoptees.

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my adoptee journey doesn’t mean I don’t understand sometimes adoptions are 100% necessary. I base my opinion because I am adopted and I have more knowledge on the realities of many adoptions today than most people do. Because of this I can’t just leave that knowledge out of the equation to make the world feel comfortable.

I know that adoptions are sometimes necessary but I also know the trauma involved in each and every adoption so while the “world” celebrates “Gotcha Day” and “Homecoming Day” for adoptees I cry silent tears for that adoptee because I know what they had to lose to gain a family. I don’t deny the trauma involved in adoption while so many want to celebrate it. It’s like salt to a wound when our loss is celebrated. It’s hard for many adoptees and the pain is indescribable.

How would you feel if the WORLD celebrated the very thing that HURT YOU THE MOST? You would feel very isolated, alone and HURT!

I also know that yes, sometimes adoptions have to happen. But let me ask, was everything done to exhaust all options of this child being able to stay with its mother? Can someone in the family step up and take the child? Why does the name and birth certificate have to be falsified and changed? Did we have family preservation counselors trying to encourage her to keep her baby and that she is strong and good enough to raise her baby and material “goods” could never replace her love. Do we have someone in her corner encouraging her that YES SHE CAN do this! Is anyone encouraging her that she will be a great mother, and here are the resources to help her?  For the mothers on drugs or incarcerated can a family member step up and take this child until the mother gets her life together? If an adoption is necessary why do we have to change the child’s name and identity?  THIS HURTS!

What I see a lot of the time…

We have adoption counselors sowing seeds in this mother or doubt and disbelief that she can provide for her child and a stable “Adoptive Family” will be better? Does she have adoption agencies or pregnancy crisis centers using manipulation & coercion tactics on her because let’s just face it- There is big money to be made in adoption. It’s a business and people are profiting on mothers and babies being separated.

I am so sorry I find this “business” to be the most evil on the planet and

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my voice that I believe ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES should stay together doesn’t mean I’m a mean angry person. It means that I stand on

Mark 10:9- “Therefor what God has joined together, let no one separate”

But somehow because the adoption industry is a multi-billion dollar industry it’s okay for adoption agencies to prey on young vulnerable mothers and coerce them into giving their babies up? I can’t imagine having to go to bed each night living with that! They will have to answer to that one day! So will society and the world who supports and glorifies adoption as it has been transformed into today when they REALLY have been subjected to the rainbow farts and Kool-Aid of the adoption industry! They really know nothing about adoption but they support mothers and babies being separated?

Adoption TODAY is nothing like the Bible portrays adoption to be. There was no profit being made. There was no closed records, or secrecy and lies.

JUST BECAUSE….

Some adoptions have to happen doesn’t mean there needs to be a profit made. It doesn’t mean adoptees names have to be changed and their identities sealed in closed adoptions hidden away from them for centuries. It doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t happen.

I saw this amazing article I wanted to share.

I Don’t Want My Name on My Daughter’s Birth Certificate

WHY ARE WE LYING AND FALSIFYING LEGAL DOCUMENTS?

WHY ARE WE IGNORING THE TRAUMA?

If we lived in a perfect world all mothers and babies would stay together. Why am I so obsessed with mothers and babies staying together? Because I lost my mother! That’s why. I know what it feels like and I know the deep rooted impact this has had on my life and it has been the biggest hurt you could imagine. THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES SHOULD STAY TOGETHER! I had to experience losing my mother to experience the pain of it. If you haven’t lost your mother the minute you were born, you simply can’t relate.

Sadly, I know the world is not a perfect place but I believe whole heartedly that the world should try to support mothers and babies staying together at all costs before they even entertain the thought of supporting them adopting the child out to a “needy couple who wants to be parents”. There shouldn’t be adoption counselors encouraging separation of mother and child before there is someone stepping up trying to HELP that mother keep her baby, regardless of the circumstances. Finances should be the last reason a mother and child are separated. I always say I would have rather be with my birth mother dirt poor living in a card board box than handed over to a woman I didn’t know nor did I bond with. THAT IS REAL!!!!! Finances are temporary and things get better! Who is sharing with the birth mothers the reasons for adoption are a permanent solution to most of the time a temporary problem? Who is in her corner cheering her on, helping her and supporting her providing her with resources to KEEP HER BABY?

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my grief, loss, trauma and hurt and pain regarding my adoption doesn’t mean God is not healing me. Do you realize I went from an alcoholic mean, angry and very bitter adoptee who hated the world and everyone in it to a clean and sober adoptee that is almost 4 years in recovery who loves Jesus, who gives God the glory who is now filled with His grace in being able to share my story? I’m healing daily!

Never underestimate my blog posts or what I share just because you simply have a formed opinion about adoption and my story doesn’t line up with the beautiful picture you have painted.

Just so happens, MOST ADOPTEES STORIES don’t line up with the beautiful picture the world has painted about adoption, most of us have been shamed our entire lives and NEVER FELT WORTHY TO SHARE OUR STORIES because the WORLD only allows happy rainbow filled stories about adoption.

Well I am here today because my God is a GOD of truth and he knows my heart and he has been with me on my journey of life every step of the way. He WANTS me to share my story! Just because it doesn’t line up with yours doesn’t mean I should keep quiet! It means I should keep shouting until the world understands there is another side to adoption MOST ALL ADOPTEES FACE! A painful side, filled with grief, loss and trauma.

GOD HEALS!

But he can’t heal it if we aren’t allowed to feel it. The world might not care about my story, but God cares and when I share my story more and more adoptees are coming forward with sharing theirs. They are beginning to heal!

I had to step outside of the box and understand

MY STORY IS WORTH TO BE TOLD!

MY FELLOW ADOPTEES STORIES ARE WORTHY TO BE TOLD!

The next time an adoptee starts to share how they feel, how about cut it out with the silencer statements like “Aren’t you thankful you were given life?” or “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?”

I’m constantly silenced with scriptures, and spent many years being silenced because of it but today I have grown enough in my spiritual journey I will never be silenced by scripture because GOD is a God of TRUTH and he’s given me scriptures to throw right back!

IF YOU CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE MY PAIN PLEASE DON’T SILENCE ME WITH YOUR SCRIPTURES!

Most of us struggle majorly LIVING LIFE and many of us would rather have been aborted! The pain is THAT GREAT! I know this because I’m in touch with thousands of adoptees! I spent 37 years angry at my birth mother because she chose life!

So please STOP and JUST LISTEN!

“Pamela is just angry and she just had a bad adoption experience. Most adoptions are nothing like hers!”

REALLY?

Visit: How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?

Don’t forget the adoptee suicide rate is 4 xs more likely than non-adoptees!

WHEN IS THE WORLD GOING TO WAKE UP AND JUST LISTEN?

I bet if your child was one of the adoptees who committed suicide you would have WISHED YOU LISTENED CLOSER! My heart aches for anyone who has experienced this, but take it from an adoptee who has contemplated suicide MANY TIMES!

WE NEED THE WORLD TO LISTEN!

 

JUST BECAUSE…

You made it to the bottom of this post it means you are genuinely trying to learn and listen. Maybe you are an adoptive parent or a birth parent or impacted by adoption in some way?

Maybe you are an adoptee and you can relate too much of what I have shared?

Either way, I commend you for reading, listening and trying to take in what you can. I know this is not your average story but I am committed in sharing my truth as I see it and letting all my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone.

WE JUST NEED PEOPLE TO LISTEN!

WE NEED EQUAL ACCESS & OPEN RECORDS!

WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR STORIES WITHOUT BEING JUDGED AND WITHOUT PEOPLE TRYING TO SILENCE US, AND WITHOUT THEM MAKING US FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING WHATS RIGHTFULLY OURS; OUR BIRTH RIGHT.

JUST BECAUSE WE APPEAR TO BE FINE DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE OUR PAIN DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T HAVE IT.

JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES DON’T SHARE THEIR STORIES DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T SUFFER SILENTLY.

JUST BECAUSE OUR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE BEST MOST AMAZING FAMILIES IN THE WORLD DOESN’T MEAN WE STILL DON’T HAVE PAIN AND WANT ANSWERS TO OUR BEGINNINGS.

JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES ARE STRIVING TO FIND THEIR ANSWERS TO THEIR HISTORY DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T APPRECIATE WHO RAISED THEM NOR DOES IT WAVER ON HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM.

JUST BECAUSE…

I’m adopted and I am on a healing journey doesn’t mean I can’t pull some positive areas I have gained strengths from due to my adoption experience. I’m 100% independent, never ask for help. I have had to suffer alone my entire life. Why ask for help now? I can pretend really well. My heart can be ripping in shreds, but I can put my hurt and pain up on the shelf and help my fellow adoptees because God has given me this gift, as he has many of us.  I know the true value of time and memories when so many were lost, stolen never to return. I know the true value of creating our own “safe place” letting go of toxic relationships and situations. I’m a very strong person and I’m a huge fighter. I’m not weak AT ALL and although the devil tried to take me out God had big plans for me! God has given me the gift of compassion for my fellow adoptees where there is NO ONE ELSE that can be in my shoes who has experienced all I have in life aside from ME. I consider these things gifts from God. I have been able to pull good things out of my biggest tragedy in life. So please don’t think that JUST BECAUSE I’m sharing my journey God isn’t doing huge things in my life. God is the way to healing and freedom! I know the true value of TRUTH and how much damage secrecy and lies can cause someone, especially when they are from the people that are supposed to “Love you the most!”

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my pain doesn’t mean God is done with me yet!

Baby steps, I am a work in progress.

Adoptees, Remember you aren’t alone in feeling the way you do. The way you feel is natural for a not natural situation! It’s never natural to be separated from your biological families at any time in life!

Adoptees, Can you relate to any of my post? How do you feel people respond to you when you share your adoptee experience? Are you labeled ungrateful or told you are living in the past?

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In Adoption There is No Healing from Half Truths

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

I always pray about what I write about before I write it.

I say, “God, what would you like me to write about today?” Usually he highlights something clear as day and lately the highlight has been:

“TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH”

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It’s simple

1/2 Truth + 1/2 Truth = A WHOLE LIE!

When we are given HALF TRUTHS about where we come from we are ONLY able to HALF WAY HEAL. When we are given HALF TRUTHS we are only able to HALF WAY FEEL WHOLE. We are only able to feel like HALF a human being. We feel LESS THAN because our TRUTH is being kept hidden from us. When we are denied our basic human birth rights, and those close to us SUPPORT that it HURTS US.

Do they not understand that we can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there? Do they not understand that until we receive our entire TRUTH we can NOT fully heal? We can NOT heal from half truths, secrets, shame and lies.

I can NOT even give half truths, secrets, shame and lies over to GOD because I don’t know what I am giving him!! I can’t say, “Hey God, here is a lie I am giving you today, I don’t know what that lie is or what I’m going to ask for healing for but God here’s the lie!” Yet so many of us are put in positions where the WORLD acts like it’s so simple that we should just be able to heal from lies, secrets and half truths and because we are not releasing these things to God we are making the CHOICE to be STUCK in this spot.

Well let me tell you that healing is IMPOSSIBLE unless we know our TRUTH! 

My God is a God of TRUTH. We need our entire truth so we are able to move towards healing. I’m still fighting for my truth. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for adoptive parents, birth parent and all of society that supports adoption to understand that we have a right to know ALL OF OUR HISTORY. We have a right to know ALL OF OUR ANSWERS our heart desires as to how we came into this world.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO ALL THE KNOWLEDGE REGARDING OUR MEDICAL HISTORY, ANCESTRY, HERITAGE, GENETICS, FAMILY SURNAMES, PHOTOS OF OUR BLOOD RELATIVES, A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THEM, OUR SIBLINGS, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS, OUR FAMILY TREES. The list could go on and on, I think you get my point.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way,  the TRUTH, and the Life. No one comes through the Father except through me.”  – John 14:6

If Jesus is the TRUTH, and he is the way and the life, I can only believe that he stands for TRUTH. This lying, deception, manipulation, half truths and secrecy in adoption is NOT from GOD.

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN.

So why are adoptive parents, birth parents, and all who are involved with adoption supporting secrecy and lies? Why are the adoption agencies not telling the adoptive parents the TRUTH about the lifelong impacts and deep trauma adoptees face for their entire lives? Why are the adoption agencies ignoring the facts that the adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees?  Why are the adoption agencies not providing adult adoptees with resources on how to handle the trauma involved with being adopted?  

One word sums it up clear.

PROFIT

When I think of the word “Truth” I like to examine the pages of God’s word- The Holy Bible. This has helped me learn the truth of any subject of importance or significance. If you ask yourself what is “Truth” and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT) 

WOW!

Knowing the truth is wonderful, but it is not enough! God expects us to act on the truth as He helps us learn it. More important than knowing the truth is living the truth—walking in truth. God already knows if we are walking in truth to the best of our ability! He knows EVERYTHING!

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“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth.He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13

“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. 3 For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2

So my question is, for all those who might be reading who are involved in adoption, a part of the adoption equation or the adoption industry, for adoptive parents and biological parents:

ARE YOU WALKING IN TRUTH IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE REGARDING YOUR ADOPTION EXPERIENCE? 

Are you hiding the TRUTH in anyway and operating on HALF-TRUTHS? 

I can not and will not support the secrecy and lies in adoption today. None of them!  I urge anyone that is impacted by adoption to please pray about it and get alone with God. Ask him to search your heart and give you the courage to come clean in all areas of your life, not just the adoption equation. SECRECY & LIES IN ADOPTION STALLS OUR HEALING. THE ADOPTEE SUICIDE RATE IS 4X MORE LIKELY THAN NON-ADOPTEES FOR MANY REASONS. THIS IS ONE OF THEM. We have to fight the world for our truth, and spend most of our lives trying to figure this mess out on our own, because we have no resources. THIS HURTS!

GOD HEALS! 

But I can assure you from living with experience it is impossible to heal a wound by denying it’s there and by half truths and secrecy and lies.

WE NEED THE ENTIRE TRUTH TO BE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE FORWARD AND ASK GOD TO COME INTO OUR LIVES IT HEAL IT.

Please think twice before you keep secrets from adoptees, hid our history and feed us with half truths, secrets and lies. Please think twice before you participate in activities that keep secrets and hide our histories from us. When you participate in this YOU are only participating in prolonging our healing.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH. WE ALL DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO HEAL. 

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2016-01-10 18.04.25

A Weekend Away

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova4 Comments

I can write for hours about what the last 6 months of my life has been like. It has truly been the hardest 6 months of my life.

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It was clear to me I needed to take a weekend break away from the internet all together. It was clear I needed to get alone with God and restore some of what I had lost over the last 6 months. I don’t write much about some personal areas of my life but I do generally write about my life being adopted. That is my gift, it is my ministry, it’s been my biggest hurt in life. So that is what I write about. That doesn’t mean I don’t have other struggles, strengths, and hopes!

This past week I felt myself slowly sinking on a ship to NOWHERE! 

God put it on my heart to take a break from the internet! 

ALL OF IT!

I didn’t even go anywhere! I just stayed off the internet!

I’m so glad I was obedient to what God was telling me to do! 

It actually felt like a mini vacation not being pulled in 100 different directions which is what the internet seems to do these days. I am praying about whether I’m doing too much or whether I just needed a break to recoup.

My break really helped.IMG_20160215_084337

I know my fellow adoptees can relate to the heaviness we can sometimes feel regarding our adoption experiences. It seems the emotions, situations, and triggers come in waves. We never know when they are going to come, and we never know how sever they are or how high the wave might be. I wish it would all just go away, but so far I’m still working on finding out my truth so I can once and for all accept it and move forward with my life. Being stuck in limbo is no fun. Learning to ride the waves is the key, and keeping my eyes focused on God is a huge part of being able to do this.

Aside from my adoptee issues, what happens when regular life issues come and they come all at once or around the same time? We have no choice but to be strong, stronger than anyone can imagine. When life tries to knock us down, we have to make the choice to be STRONG and get back up and keep moving forward. Sometimes that means evaluating people, places and things we have in our lives or around us that are bringing us down and letting them go.

It’s not easy to let people go, but for our own peace of mind it’s critical. How can we heal from our adoptee experiences with negative situations around us? How do we even live life with negative or toxic people around us?

It’s impossible!

I’m on a healing journey and have been for over 4 years now. I have eliminated toxic people and worked really hard at not being a toxic person. It’s been critical that I really evaluate relationships in my life and gain an understanding if they are helping me or hurting me? This change hasn’t happened overnight. It’s taken a lot of dedication, hard work and sacrifice but if I ever wanted my kids and future grandkids to have a better life than what I did, it was essential I start to work on my deep rooted abandonment & rejection issues from my adoption experience. It’s been important to me I don’t continue to keep it a secret of where my pain has come from.

How can we help others if we keep it to ourselves?

How can I help anyone if I don’t take care of myself? 

For some of my readers who aren’t adopted, who simply can’t relate I commend you for reading this far. It means either you are interested in trying to learn or maybe you are a personal friend of mine? Not sure, but glad you are here.  That’s amazing in itself.  I know for most non-adoptees they simply can’t relate because they aren’t adopted but there are people out there who are generally interested in learning. I recently had a non-adoptee comment on comparing my life to theirs, when really there is no comparison. Their story is theirs, and mine is mind. No two stories are alike. I just chose to share my journey with the world, mainly to help my fellow adoptees understand they aren’t alone.

I WAS ALL ALONE!

For me, when life hands me lemons I have had to make the choice to get alone with God and work it on out! Besides my online adoptee community who I adore, there is no one in my real life close to me who can relate to my struggles. If they can, not many of them share or talk about it. I talk about it because I want to heal. I’m not keeping my feelings a secret anymore.

Taking a break from LIFE is sometimes necessary. Taking a break from the internet is a vacation long overdue. I need to do it more.  Cutting toxic people out of our lives is necessary. Not feeling bad about setting boundaries is critical. If you are adopted, you have already lost so much. It’s really important you take time for you to heal and be alone with God. He is where I get my strength and he is my comforter. I don’t get comfort in things of the world.  I get my comfort in the Lord.

With that being said, I’M BACK!

Thank you for being patient with me, supporting me and for reading!

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Adoptee, Addicted to Simplicity

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

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The older I get the more God has brought many things to my attention that the things of the world that excite most people have no waver on exciting me.

Not in this lifetime anyway.

Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me…

If I could pay for peace of mind regarding my adoption experience do you know I would set up a payment plan and pay it off until my dying days?

Unfortunately, we all know this is a silly thought to have but truth is if there was anything on earth I would love to pay for this would be it! Can you imagine the investment we could all make in our own lives?

The fact of the matter is, when I am 41 years old STILL trying to figure out the truth, still seeking answers, still FIGHTING to seek solace and peace regarding this experience it is one of my biggest goals in life, is to feel peace about being adopted. Sadly, I still don’t have much of my truth yet and have recently found some of what I was told was lies.

When I have spent 41 years fighting for the truth, it seems it has over powered SO MUCH OF MY LIFE that I still have yet to really enjoy LIVING!

I mean how can we live when we are still trying to figure out who we are and where we come from?

I can speak from my experience only, that this life has caused me to REALLY appreciate the SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE that so many people can take for granted.

I follow an adoptive parent on social media and one weekend she spent the entire weekend taking photos of old knickknacks she had around her house that she had collected from her parents, grandparents and great grandparents. It struck a chord with me because I wondered if she knew how valuable even one of those things would be to her adopted children if it was something from their biological families? Did she know most all adoptees are robbed of this simple gift most all non-adoptees get to take part in? Again, it’s not the material value, it’s the sentimental value that each of these things holds.

I can speak for myself that I have nothing from either of my biological families. I have nothing tangible that has no material value or anything that has sentimental value. Pictures mean the WORLD to me, but I have very few of them of my biological family, although I am grateful for the ones I have. So many of my fellow adoptees have none! Letters mean the world to me, but I don’t have any from my biological family. They promised they would write but they never delivered.

Let me also share MEMORIES hold a special place in my heart. I know most people who haven’t been adopted can’t have such an appreciation for memories that I have. The memories lost forever that can never be replaced cause me more sadness than anyone can ever imagine. And I’m sorry; I can’t just get over it and move on. Every time I see someone on social media post pictures with their biological family whether it be grandparents, parents, siblings or whoever it is a trigger for many of us. It is a reminder that we are somewhere between here and there and those memories are lost forever. While most people are grieving long lost family members when they pass, they have memories to cling onto. Not the adoptee. We have deep sadness because we WISH we had those memories.

This has added to me as a person, because my primary love language is QUALITY TIME. My least favorite love language is GIFTS. I think this is a gift in itself because most people that know me know I’m one of the most genuine sincere people they will ever meet. I most definitely won’t use you for your money, and I am clear about what makes me tick.

QUALITY TIME WITH THOSE I LOVE. TALKING TO THOSE I LOVE. MAKING MEMORIES WITH THOSE I LOVE. TAKING PICTURES WITH THOSE I LOVE. – It’s that simple for me!

One of my biggest desires in life is…

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH AND THIS IS SOMETHING I AM STILL FIGHTING FOR.  MOST PEOPLE DESIRE THINGS OF THE WORLD. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY. Nicer cars, nicer houses, nicer electronics, nicer clothes, promotions on their jobs, newer clothes, shoes, watches, and the list could go on. I WOULD SIMPLY BE HAPPY AND BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE IF I HAD ALL THE TRUTH TO MY HISTORY!

I could find myself just as happy living in a one room efficiency apartment as I would a huge 8 bedroom mansion.

WHY?

Because the things I desire money can’t buy!

The sweet gift of being an adoptee who keeps things simple and who enjoys the simplicity life brings is a different aspect that most non-adoptees can’t embrace. I consider that part of this life as a GIFT. I don’t have credit cards. I don’t usually make impulsive decisions with money. I get the same happiness from 1 shirt at Goodwill as I do 1 shirt from Macys. My kids make fun of me, but I don’t care. I am the most humble frugal spirited anyone will ever meet because the most important and valuable things that I could have, that most take for granted have been taken from me.

I haven’t given up on receiving these things. I still have hope!

For my Christian friends who might be reading, yes I believe Jesus paid it ALL! But I also know God wants me to have my truth, and once I obtain the ENTIRE TRUTH regarding my adoption experience I will have that Jesus peace about my entire adoption experience. Today I have Jesus peace in most areas of my life! This just happens to be the area shaded with secrecy and lies. Let’s face it, we can’t give it to JESUS unless we know what we are giving to Him! It’s kinda hard to hand him a question mark??!!! Have you ever thought about that? You can’t possibly thing I would be choosing heartache and pain for peace of mind if it were that simple? God is TRUTH and I know he wants ALL ADOPTEES TO HAVE THEIR TRUTH! Why are so many people in adoption standing in the way and supporting half truths?

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While I continue on my journey of seeking my TRUTH, I enjoy things that are free. Being outside, being alone with God, listening to worship music, reading my bible, writing, journaling, blogging and reaching out to my fellow adoptees, supporting them in their journeys, being on board for adoptee rights. I enjoy helping hurting people, I enjoy the sky and going to coffee shops, parks, thrift shops, garage sales, bon fires. I love eliminating all negative and toxic people, places and things out of my life. I love plants and colors. I love that I can control that aspect of my life, when so much has been uncontrollable. I love growing in my relationship with God, and my church family. I love spending time with my kids, and my adoptive family who I have relationships with. I love my career of caring for elderly, and find it a major gift in my life. So you see there is more to me than being adopted but this is what God has called me to write about so my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once felt.

If anyone comes into my life and tries to disrupt the peace I do have I have no choice to eliminate them. Because I have no time for relationships or people who do nothing but drain the life out of me. It’s taken me 41 years to get to be where I am. By God’s grace I am able to see the beauty in so many areas but I am still fighting for my TRUTH! I have no time or energy for toxic people! 

I’m wondering if any of my fellow adoptees can relate to anything I have shared in this post. What brings you happiness? What brings you peace of mind? What are you fighting for most people would take for granted?

Thanks for reading and for all your support! ❤

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The Waiting Game Lasts a Lifetime for Adoptees

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

I guess when you spend 41 years waiting on a piece of mail from your biological parents, waiting on an Catholic Priest to deliver DNA results should be a cake walk?

I’m 41 and I’m still waiting…

Which means I haven’t given up yet!

I am extremely thankful for Father Felix and his desire to have the willingness to help in this matter. I can’t even imagine how he is handling this or approaching it. All I know is he has ALL the information and God has him on an assignment. I am nervous. This is my last shot at ever having a chance at any of my biological family acknowledging me. With DNA proof they have 2 options. They either accept me and acknowledge me or they don’t. I can imagine it might take some time, but hasn’t enough time already been lost?

IMG_20160204_073344It reminds me of spending so much time waiting on my birth mother to keep her word in writing me. I spent over 20 years checking the mail and anticipating her letters and pictures. I wanted to read her feelings, see her hand writing, see a photo of her. In 1994 when I found her she PROMISED me she would write me. I wrote her. Would I be wrong for having a resentment about having to check the mail every day and being disappointed when I open the box and there never has and never will be anything from my biological mother or father? They have known my address but they had no desire to have a relationship with me but I still always had hope one day I would open the mailbox and get a letter from them. Sadly, every time I check the mail I still get disappointed.

Waiting, Waiting and more Waiting…

Praying, Praying & more Praying…

Adoptees, Never give up hope in finding your family & seeking your TRUTH! 

2016-01-10 18.04.25

Delivering the DNA Results with Grace

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova9 Comments

 

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Wow, hard to believe this is the next hurdle I will be experiencing.

It’s very emotional but I know God is with me!

It’s nerve wrecking considering what I have already experienced with my biological father and this adoptee journey!

The greatest part is that I have a new found cousin who I have connected with via DNA who is not only AMAZING but she is SO SUPPORTIVE of me through this journey. She seems to “Get it” and no one really gets it unless they are adopted, and she’s not adopted! I can’t help but KNOW God planted her in my life at the perfect time because I know I couldn’t do this alone. Thank you God for LINDA! Thank you LINDA for your help, support and new found friendship!  This is a really emotional journey for me as I know my fellow adoptees can relate.

So the story goes as I’m sure you read my last blog post. My birth father has always said, “What are we going to do, get a blood test 40 years later?” He knew nothing about me, lies and secrets prevented him from knowing so I don’t blame him for being skeptical all these years.

My new found cousin, Linda has showed me the ropes on all this. I have gotten a DNA test and it has linked me to his DNA and family line. He hasn’t had a DNA test done, but my DNA test has made DNA connections via 23andMe to his mother’s line, who is my biological grandmother. I don’t need HIS DNA to be linked to HIS DNA LINE. That’s the cool thing about DNA. There are so many ways to trace and confirm. There is no way I would share DNA with my distant cousin where our connection is our grandmothers are sisters, if J.J. (birth father) wasn’t my father. It wouldn’t be possible.

HE IS MY BIRTH FATHER

But he doesn’t know I am confirmed his daughter via DNA

Just YET…

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My new found cousin suggested I contact the local Catholic Priest to see if he will collaborate a “meeting” with J.J. and his wife to present the DNA results. Yes, they are catholic. The last time I spoke to my birth fathers wife, she mentioned them wanting to get back involved in the Catholic Church and she wondered if I knew the dates J.J. was married to his previous wives. I shared with her I would try to obtain that information to help her out. So this has let me know they are Catholic and reaching out to the local Catholic Priest seems to be the best idea so far. Thank you again, Linda!

GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!

With HIM all things are possible.

I know there are people out there that might be saying, “Why would she go through all this heartache. Why can’t she just accept it and walk away?” Let me share that until you have walked in my shoes or another adoptees for that matter you really have no idea what loss, grief and trauma is involved in this journey. I can share there is nothing that can be done to me that hasn’t already been done. I have already been rejected by this man, but if there is a little chance that DNA will make a difference than I am willing to take that chance. You see, being adopted we are constantly putting ourselves out there all for a chance to be loved, accepted and for a chance at a relationship with those who were STOLEN from us. My adoption was an illegal one because I was adopted without his knowledge or consent. I don’t blame him for being skeptical. There is a HUGE chance I will be getting the door slammed in my face again, but at least at the end of my life when my story is all said and done I won’t be saying, “ I WISH, I WISH”. My wish will be “I TRIED”. Who is anyone to tell me I should just give up HOPE and WALK AWAY? I am not a weakling, and am not a sissy. I’m not walking away. I am going to PROVE I am J.J.’s ONLY DAUGTER if my life depends on it. The next few months are going to be pretty nerve wrecking and significant in my life. This is a huge step.

I would like to say to all the people who think I’m crazy or nuts and who think I should just walk away and accept this as my life

WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY FAITH? WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY HOPE?

WHO ARE YOU?

ENOUGH HAS BEEN TAKEN! I’M NOT LETTING ANYONE TAKE MY HOPE AND FAITH AWAY.

GOD IS LOVE

GOD IS HOPE

GOD IS FAITH

GOD IS TRUTH

Every sense I was a little girl I have fantasized and had visions of “These People” meaning my biological family. I have spent my entire LIFE fighting to PROVE I am SOMEBODY regardless of my birth parents decision in rejecting me. Today, I don’t need them to prove WHO I AM. I know who I am. I’m God’s daughter, and that is the most important thing to me. This does NOT change the fact that I still need to TRY to prove what is TRUTH when there have been so many lies in my story.

WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BRINGING DARKNESS TO LIGHT?

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to the light and made known to all” – Luke 8:17

I know secrets and lies are not from God, they are from the enemy.

My God is a God of TRUTH and the TRUTH means NOTHING HIDDEN.

In 2010 my biological aunt who is my birth mother’s sister is the one who came clean and told me “MY STORY” as she saw it. She shared that my birth father was married at the time of conception, and this was a big part why my birth mother chose adoption. I was able to put myself in my birth mothers shoes, and have some compassion for her and her decision. It brought me healing to know this “TRUTH”. I have written about it many times, and I always encourage my fellow adoptees to TRY to put yourself in “Her” shoes in attempts to feel what she felt and try to understand WHY she made the decision she did. This has helped me gain acceptance and forgive her.

Recently I have believed to uncover that it is a lie that my birth father was married at the time of my conception. I have had to dig and dig and to find out this TRUTH. I don’t understand why people don’t understand how important it is to adoptees THAT WE RECEIVE OUR TRUTH!! So now I don’t know the truth and for me, it’s an important and critical part of my healing because

IF I DON”T KNOW THE TRUTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM HEALING FROM!!!

I CAN’T HEAL FROM LIES AND HALF TRUTHS!

“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” Jeremiah 6:14

WHY ARE ADOPTEES FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT TO HEAL BY SIMPLY WANTING OUR TRUTH?

Where are all my Christian friends at during this topic? Where are all the people who simply believe in RIGHT & WRONG? Why aren’t more people taking a stand that ALL ADOPTED PEOPLE DESERVE WHAT’S RIGHTFULLY THEIRS, THEIR Original Birth Certificates & their TRUTH & ANSWERS and ALL OF THEM.

½ Truth + ½ Truth = A WHOLE LIE

So here you have it, at 41 years old adoption loss and grief is still very strong in my life, and will always be strong in my life because I am still fighting for my truth. When I find my truth there are thousands of other adoptees who do not have theirs. I will never sit down and be quiet about this until all adopted people all over the world have their truth. God has given me GRACE and I plan on using it.

As I have decided to take the advice to contact the Catholic Priest in Leon, IA where my birth father lives, I made a few calls and left a few messages for him to get back to me. Finally we caught up with one another. I explained who I am and what I was calling for. After sharing I desired his help to deliver the DNA results to my birth father, he asks some questions and told me it was very important that I’m able to answer these questions. He said it appears J.J. has some knots that are tangled up and he wants to try to untangle the knots so he can figure out the truth as to why J.J. would deny me. My point is that he denied me before, but now I have the DNA results that prove I am his daughter. So regardless of the past, and why he originally denied me is really irrelevant because now DNA proves that any reasons he believed I might not be his are not valid.

TRUTH IS TRUTH

“It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail” – 1 Corinthians 13:6

I could tell by the accent of Father Felix that he is of African descent which leads me to believe he’s African American. I can tell you he was extremely friendly and was very comforting in his words to me. He said, “Mam I want to help you but one thing I need to share is I don’t want you to feel rejected.” I said, “Thank you sir, but I have felt rejected my entire life. In this situation it’s hard to not feel that way” He said “I’m so sorry you feel that way but I hope I can help you untangle this knot and be prepared it might take some time”. I was gracious for him talking to me. He gave me his email and asked me to email him all the information I have about J.J. and his marriages, and my biological mother. He said when he goes he needs the armed with the facts and the DNA proof. I let him know I would email it to him in the near future and we would be in touch.

I can’t help but believe that GOD is in the center of this because when my birth father found out I had bi-racial children he gave me a few choice words about his opinion regarding me having kids by a “black man”. I let him know I didn’t need his acceptance of my kids or I and that isn’t what I was there for. It wasn’t pretty and I will just leave it at that. He said conflicting things during my 2nd and final visit ever seeing him, but in the end his tone came around where he had compassion and he was interested in meeting my kids. That topic is a whole different blog post in itself. But I have prayed that God just change his heart and his mind on how he feels regarding this matter. I am NOT taking my kids to meet this guy, not yet anyway.

So thinking that the local Catholic Priest is an African American man I believe with my entire heart that God is behind this meeting that is about to take place. How else do you explain that? The town of Leon, IA is population is 1900 and it’s a very small town with little to no diversity. And he is willing to set up a meeting with J.J. and present him with the DNA results. WOW. I just get chills thinking of it. If anyone can change J.J’s heart it’s GOD!

In the next 24 hours I will have my email compiled to Father Felix and I will email it off to him. And the wait will begin. Seems us adoptees live our lives waiting. Its torture but I know that if God is behind it, I have nothing to worry about. I feel like once the DNA TRUTH is presented I will know at the end of my life that I tried, and I did all I could do. I can tell you this journey has been an emotionally and mentally exhausting one. I listen to the song “Happy” by Pharrell and I wonder when I’m going to experience happiness like that. Not just on the outside but on the inside too. I want to move past this place in my life, but as you see I still have some loose ends God is guiding me to tie up.

Some might say, “What if you present him with the DNA and it changes nothing?”

I would say, at least I tried. At least now I know it’s not a DNA matter with J.J. but it’s more of a heart matter. If he’s presented with the DNA TRUTH and he still rejects me I will be much more able to accept that as the TRUTH than him never knowing I’m his only living daughter and him never knowing I’m really his or not. He rejects me again, he has to live with that and he has to answer for that. My job is over.

See where the fight has come in at? I’m so sick of fighting and I’m NOT going to stop until I receive all my truth! Why would I give up now? Why would I let the devil have his way by discouraging me and taking my HOPE away? Why would I accept something when the truth hasn’t been presented yet? Once the TRUTH (DNA) is presented and nothing changes and ALL J.J.s family is made aware of the DNA results then I will be at a place where I am able to accept the truth because now there are no secrets.

I’m forever thankful for all my blog readers who are supporting me and who are on this journey with me. I couldn’t do it without God, my close friends and family that support me, my amazing new found cousin, Linda and those who I have a special place for tucked away in my heart of hearts- ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES WHO GET IT!

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If secrets and lies weren’t the ROOT of my life and where it all began I wouldn’t be uncovering the TRUTH at 41 years old.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MIGHT BE!

I will be sure to update you all on the outcome.

Thanks for reading and send me a word of encouragement if you have one!

PRAY FOR ME & I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TOO!

 With God all things are possible.

If you need prayers send me an email and I would be happy to pray for you! If you can relate to my story at all, please leave me a message.

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When the Wall Comes Tumbling Down…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova4 Comments

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You make the choice to pick up all the pieces, try to put them back together again.

Most people who know me or who have followed my blog will be familiar with my story but for those who aren’t aware I’m adopted. I was born in Waterloo, IA in 1974. I spent 20+ years searching for my biological family. Over the years I spent time battling an alcohol addiction and I suffered from anger, rage, low self-esteem, and lived a completely hopeless life.  I had abandonment & rejection issues from my adoption experience and I grew up in an emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive adoptive home. It’s taken me years to move towards accepting and acknowledging the truth, and asking God to come into my life and heal me from all these different “things” I have faced in my lifetime. Today I live in VICTORY. The devil had his way with me for far too long and TODAY because of GOD my life is on the mends. I share my story so other adoptees know they aren’t alone and with the world because adoption is much more than the label “A beautiful thing!” I desire to bring hope to the hopeless adoptees because having someone that UNDERSTANDS is HUGE!

Being adopted isn’t for sissies!

We are strong, resilient and we are fighters.

With that being said, as I was reunited with both my birth parents, they both met me and then rejected me. I hear people say, “You know, what feels like rejection is God’s way of protection!” I believe that to be true, but I also know in life especially in adoption I have always found people to want to silence my pain with reasons I should just be thankful for the circumstances I was born into. Let me just share that with this mentality I was never able to heal growing up. My healing was stalled, because the WORLD didn’t want to hear my pain, or acknowledge it in anyway.

Even the 20 counselors I saw growing up NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED MY ADOPTEE GRIEF, LOSS & TRAUMA!

Not even a little bit.

All I hear is, “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?” or “Aren’t you at least thankful for your life?” If you want to know the TRUTH, I spent 37 years being angry my birth mother didn’t abort me and I STILL struggle being thankful for my life! If I hear that one more time I think I might lose it.

Being transparent is the only way I can share things. I refuse to be marginally deceptive to make other people feel comfortable.

Spend some time RESEARCHING Complicated Grief, Loss & Trauma for adoptees. GOOD LUCK finding it because there are no resources ANYWHERE for us but if you find any please share them with me! A few books here and there and on a rare occasion one of us might come across a therapist that specializes in adoptee issues but that’s very rare. They aren’t common at all but there are adoption therapists for adoptive parents on every corner, not to mention agencies.

When you silence our pain with comments like that and refuse to acknowledge our pain you cause us more pain!

What does this mean?

When the walls come crumbling down we are left to figure it out on our own!

I have quickly learned that those close to me who WANT to learn how adoptees feel will make the choice to actively listen and try to understand that there is more to adoption than just a pretty little story.

JUST LISTEN!

As I was rejected by my birth parents, I was reunited with a half adoptive sister that relationship fizzled. She hated that I shared my less than perfect feelings on how adoption has impacted me and she has given a baby up for adoption. This caused an immediate clash between us and there seems to be no middle understanding. Her story is her story and mine is mine but she HATED that I shared adoption has been painful because she refuses to acknowledge her pain regarding losing her son to adoption. She lashed out on me and that was the end of that relationship.

I have had 3 biological family reunions and 3 fizzled reunions. Words can’t even begin to express the pain involved with these losses. I spent MANY years in denial, and really angry. Today I have gained acceptance but I had to step out of denial and the only way I could step out of denial is by learning my TRUTH! Shame and secrets stepped in the way so this is why I’m healing so late in life. The younger we learn our TRUTH the earlier we begin to heal. Secrecy and lies prevented me from healing. Today, as heart breaking as it has been at least I have my truth at least I’m healing!

Today I’m not as angry as I used to be but what fuels my anger is that society still fails to realize that adoption is loss & trauma which causes complicated grief, sadness, anger, rage and a lot of pain! Until this pain is acknowledged and understood on a deeper level the adoptee suicide rate will ALWAYS be 4 x more likely than non-adoptees. Check this article out if you don’t believe me. Preventing Adoptee Related Suicide

I have written for the last 5 years about how God saved the best for last. I didn’t find out I had a brother until 2010. I searched for him for a year in November 2011 I finally found my brother. We shared the same father. December 2011 was the first Christmas I ever spent with a biological family member. I can’t even tell you at the excitement and happiness to have finally found the BEST PART of my adoption search and the reunion was a great one. My brother was accepting, his siblings were accepting, and his children were accepting. We spent the next 5 years making up for lost time. I can tell you that he was and is the first person I ever felt like I had a biological connection besides my own kids. It was something only my fellow adoptees could appreciate because you had to grow up being denied that right, in order to understand how important it is.

FINALLY GOD SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST. MY BROTHER WAS AND IS THE POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW FOR ME.

Adoptees know that desire, that need to just feel like they belong, that deep desire to have that deep connection with their blood kin. Non-adoptees can’t relate because they haven’t gone without. It’s something most people take for granted.

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My brother has given me hope, that finally I will have some biological connections with someone somewhere. I imagined that one day when I get married he will be there at my wedding and he can meet all my adoptive family and they can finally see someone else that looks like me, acts like me and who has similarities as me. They will be able to see how awesome he is. I’ve been elated because my niece had her first baby, and I got a card in the mail that said “Auntie” with a Christmas picture with him in it. She kept me up to date about her pregnancy, and it’s been fun slowly building relationships with all of my brothers 4 kids and his siblings. They have all accepted us, loved us, and warmed us into the family. We traveled back and forth to Texas to his crawfish boil. He has been to Kentucky many times and celebrated a few Christmas’s with us. This past Thanksgiving 2015 we drove to Texas and my kids and I spent the first Thanksgiving in 41 years of my life with biological family. For me this has been a dream come true to a pretty tragic story.

God saved the best for last!

Indeed!

What feels like REJECTION is God’s way of protection might be true, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have pain, grief & loss associated with the situation. I know that God understands the pain because he too can feel the deepest parts of my heart, every little broken piece.

As the story unfolds, my biological father doesn’t claim me and he shared doubts with me about my half-brother. My brother is 10 years older than me. He was always told growing up that J.J.; our birth father is his father. Our birth father even acknowledged him at a few different times in his life but they hadn’t had a relationship in many years. I found my birth father in 1999 and mailed him a letter sharing with him who I was. I waited every day for the mail and had high hopes he would respond but after giving him 11 years I never had confirmation he received my letter, so I decided to drive to Iowa to see his face at least one time in my lifetime. 2010 was the year my birth mother died and we had only met one time. It was also the year I laid eyes on my birth father for the first time. During this visit he shared with me I had a half-brother, He said he had some doubts he was his or not, but he was believed to be in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, he gave me his name and off I went. The search was on.

In my heart I felt that if my birth father didn’t claim me, and he wasn’t for sure claiming my brother I would leave it up to my brother and I to determine if we were siblings because as soon as we saw one another’s childhood pictures, and pictures through life we just knew we were siblings. We spent some time together and our similarities are astonishing! We have so many of the same mannerisms, we’re both tall, we have the same complexion and if my hair was natural we would have the same hair color. We are so much alike, and in my heart I finally felt a connection to someone I shared DNA with, which was a connection I had never felt in my lifetime aside from my relationships with my kids. It was amazing to finally feel like I connected with someone! So over the years building this new found relationship has been challenging due to the distance, but we have made many phone calls and visits back and forth. We have done the best with the circumstances. I have struggled in my own personal way I know my fellow adoptees get this  with the fact that so much time has been lost. I get angry regarding this matter. I missed EVERYTHING with my brother, and I get emotional about it, thinking of missing his weddings, his kids being born, having that brother/sister relationship bond that is indescribable and PEOPLE chose to take our relationship away from us. Time is the most valuable thing in the world and 38 years gone, never to return. This has been one of the deepest parts of my hurt, and of course these feelings aren’t welcome anywhere because non-adoptees just don’t understand and they all say “Well aren’t you just thankful you found him and you having the future to look forward too?” Yes, yes of course I am but that doesn’t change the facts which have caused me a great deal of pain.

Thanksgiving 2015 I asked my brother if he would consider doing a DNA test so that I could present it to our birth father. Over the years he has said numerous times, “What are we going to do, get a blood test 40 years later?!” Well, actually that’s a great idea. If PROOF I am his child and my brother is his child might sway him into letting me meet my grandmother for the first time before she dies than for me it would be worth the hassle and cost of 2 DNA tests. (Mine was already uploaded to 23andme and GedMatch) My brother understood in my needs in wanting to do this due to my circumstances regarding my “Story”.  My only purpose was to upload my brothers DNA to GedMatch and we would be able to use the “One to One” compare feature comparing our KIT #’s and BOOM… I could print this out, and compose a letter and mail it to my birth father. Once and for all we would have proof and he couldn’t say we weren’t his. DNA doesn’t lie. Now that doesn’t mean anything would change with him, but I hung on to the little piece of hope that maybe DNA PROOF would maybe change something, after all he said over and over, “What are we going to do, get a DNA test 40 years later?”.

Well, as a matter of a fact…

 I mail my brothers DNA off to AncestryDNA and the waiting begins. 2 days after Christmas his results come in. Dec 27th I uploaded his DNA to Gedmatch and I waited a day to make sure they results were fully uploaded and in the system.

As I compare the “One to One” feature I couldn’t believe what I found.

“No shared DNA segments found”

I tried it again, and again and again.

“No shared DNA segments found”

I got the same thing every time.

“No shared DNA segments found”

NO WAY!

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My first thoughts were, “There is no way I’m believing this. This has to be a mistake” but deep down my heart sunk. I reached out to a few ladies I’m close with that were more familiar with DNA than I am and they both confirmed that the results are true.

I refused to accept this.

I called my brother a few days later, and I shared the news with him. HONESTY IS EVREYTHING EVEN IF IT HURTS! He also refused to accept this. We did not believe these results. I had many people say, “The DNA test could have been faulty”. Well, if there was even a TINY chance the DNA test was faulty I was running with that, and so was my brother.

I mean we are NOT ACCEPTING THIS!

All the adoptee “fears” come rushing in. Thoughts like “I knew I was going to lose him too” and “I always knew he was going to disappear too”. The enemy was having a field day with me. I was NOT accepting this.

It was obvious that the next move was the prove weather his test was faulty or not. So in order to do that, I started to contact his highest DNA matches on Ancestry DNA to find out some of their surnames and see if I can make connections to his mother’s side. If I was able to make DNA connections to his mother’s side, than that would mean the test is not a faulty one.

Of course we want the test to be faulty!!!

As a few days pass, and I explain to my brother what I’m doing and make sure he is okay with it, I uncovered his DNA has many ties to his mother’s side which indeed was proof his DNA was not a faulty one.

HEARTBROKEN AGAIN!

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS TAKEN FROM ME! EVERYTHING REGARDING MY ADOPTION EXPERIENCE EQUALS GRIEF, LOSS & TRAUMA!

Deep down I was…

And I still am…

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This is the most devastating news to me, and it seems there isn’t anyone in the world at this point that can relate to the deep level of pain and sadness I am experiencing regarding this matter. I cried for 3 days straight before I could even tell my brother.

So what does this mean? I was able to trace my DNA connections to J.J. my biological father which means if I share DNA with J.J. and my brother and I share no DNA J.J. is not his biological father. What turns out to be something that started out so simple turned into something far more that what we ever expected. I was not only experiencing my own shock and sadness, but I was also feeling some major sadness for my brother because now I had to tell him the TRUTH and I know the TRUTH might hurt.

So many dynamics to this situation but the end result is that the TRUTH is ALWAYS better than living a LIE.

I have sat and tried to figure out what God has taught me in this situation… I know there had to be a lesson and some areas I am going to grow in regarding many dynamics to this. One thing that comes to mind is that I have never experienced a DNA felt connection with anyone aside from my kids until I met my brother. Now, knowing he’s not actually DNA connected I can TRULY say I still have a connection to him and for me that’s a big deal. It has helped me learn that I can have a close connection with someone I am not DNA connected too. I had a few close connections growing up with a few of my adoptive family members I was close too, but I never felt similar to anyone until I met my brother.

The other thing that I feel God was teaching me is to share with ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES that DNA TESTING IS CRITICAL! Don’t just assume and go off of what you are told. Even if the reunion seems to be the PERFECT FIT like mine did with my brother, GET DNA TESTING ANYWAY!

I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! GOD HAS THIS HEAVY ON MY HEART TO SHARE! SO MANY LIES AND SECRETS IN ADOPTION, DNA TESTING IS CRITICAL TO CONFIRM! NO MATTER WHAT!

As far as I’m concerned he’s still my brother. I cried and was really upset for about 3 days, and I had to get myself together so I could share this information with my brother. I prayed and I called him.

My fellow adoptees understand the FEARS associated with reunions, and it seemed one of my greatest fears of my brother leaving might be coming true, but I knew I still have to share the truth. I have heard many people say, “Family isn’t always blood, family is what we make it!” and I find this to be true. But as an adoptee that has already lost so much it’s hard to not fear abandonment again. It has happened with every “reunion” I have experienced with ALL biological family members. I have LOST every single one. So naturally based on my experience I am in fear. Maybe my brother will not want to be my brother anymore? Maybe my nieces and nephews won’t want to be in my life anymore, even if they are all far away. I will once again feel all alone in life, and that happy ending wasn’t happy at all. My pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has been snatched away and God didn’t save the best for last, he took the best part of my reunion away. I have felt like this was some evil trick someone played on me.

I had to think about this for a few days. Process everything. I had to feel the emotions and allow myself the room to feel them. I had to cry. I had to cry out to God and ask him to SHOW ME what he is trying to teach me here. I knew there had to be some reasons. 

All those years of my hopes being high for these WONDERFUL DNA relationships, these fantasies of these AMAZING people that I would look like and act like and have so much in common with are really nonexistent and I can’t begin to describe the sadness and loss attached to this disappointment. Of course I had no other options than to believe it would be all wonderful to connect with DNA “Family” because I hadn’t ever experienced it and I always had such a longing to see where I came from and who I looked like. I had HIGH HOPES ALL MY LIFE! After all, “Your birth mother loved your so much” left the imprint deep in my mind all the way back to the first time I heard it that my biological family loved me, and why would they be anything less than wonderful?

Adoption stole A LOT!

I could go on ALL DAY about what has been stolen!

So what do you do when the wall comes tumbling down?

I’M NOT LETTING THE DEVIL STEAL ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME!

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” John 10:10

The devil is not taking my relationship with my brother, or my nieces and nephews. He’s not taking anything else from me. He’s taken my relationships with both birth parents and my birth sister and I’m NOT letting him take my relationship with my brother.

TO HECK WITH THE DEVIL!  HE IS A LIER!

I believe God started preparing this for me early, as I began to build my church family and I started to experience that type of “family” that I had never experienced before. There is nothing like it anywhere and I am not DNA related to any of them. Not DNA from the world anyway. I do share DNA with them regarding us being in the body of Christ together and I must say THEY HAVE SHOWED UP AND SHOWED OUT WHEN NO ONE ELSE HAS! They have shown me the true definition of love, loyalty and what a “Family” is all about. At my church, we call them “Family of Choice”. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I never knew how special and awesome they were until I experienced it. I can share how empty my life was without them. But learning and building these relationships I have TRULY understood and realized family isn’t always blood, but I had to experience this and experience that latter to actually “Get It”. People just telling me that wasn’t helping me. I had to experience it myself.

WE ALL HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THINGS ON OUR OWN!

So today, with the new found results in my life, I can say I’m still sad and I still have fears that my brother is going to disappear being an adoptee I have that fear anyway about everyone   and maybe “Change his mind” about wanting to be my brother. But our last words to each other were, “IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING” And if I have Jesus in me, I have his hope in me too. I am making the choice to hang onto his word and I am NOT letting GO of my relationship with my brother. He is still my brother and I don’t care what DNA says. YES, I am glad we know the truth now because what that means I need to help my brother find his TRUTH!

 “Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE” –John 8:32 is the verse I stand on!

I can’t help but wonder if that is one more reason God put my brother in my life 5 years ago?

As adoptees we receive every little puzzle piece about our lives, any little clue we can get. We piece it together as one overall goal..

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This has let me know that not only adoptees deserve their truth, but EVERYONE deserves their truth. We all deserve to know the answers to the question

“WHO AM I?”

“WHERE DID I COME FROM?” 

I will share as I end, that secrets and lies hurt and they destroy lives. If you are holding back sharing the TRUTH with someone please know that God is a God of TRUTH. Truth means NOTHING HIDDEN. This is why the Adoptee Rights Rally 2016 is so critical!  We all deserve to know our truth no matter how painful it might be. This has literally crushed me, but I would still rather know the truth ANY DAY! What we choose to do with it is our business. I’m praying for everyone involved with adoption realize that secrecy and lies HURT and TRUTH HEALS. We all deserve to know our truth and we all deserve our BIRTH RIGHT so we can move forward and HEAL!

You see, adoption is far more than adopting a beautiful baby to complete a family or to make someones dreams come true to be parents. For adoptees, adoption is rooted in grief, loss & trauma. We have to deal with the life long consequences for decisions that were made for us, decisions we had no choice over and we have little to no support in processing the grief, loss & trauma we face. I have found that societies ignorance to this grief, loss & trauma has only stalled and prolonged adoptees in receiving truth & healing. I’m praying more and more adoptees speak up and speak out and society starts to open their eyes, ears and hearts to receive what adoptees have to say.

If there is anyone on earth that is for TRUTH & HEALING it’s

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Thanks for reading.

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

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Never give up hope in finding your family. You aren’t alone! Can you relate to this blog post? If so please comment, share and let me know your thoughts.