This has been an interesting year for me. Lot’s of challenges, up’s and down’s and changes. The older, more mature I get the more I learn about the fundamentals of life, MY LIFE. 

Interestingly, I’ve come to the realization that no matter what happens in this life, MY LIFE people continue to disappoint me and  let me down. I suppose that’s everyone’s life to an extent, right? This means we all get a choice to handle things as they come as we see fit. What is best for each of us. For me, I have made the choice to pull back from doing “so much” and having “so many” people in my “circle”. I’m at a place of feeling so many ways, I’m afraid of putting it all down in this “Space”. You all would probably have me committed to a psychiatric hospital. So I will spare you. That wouldn’t help me anyway, sharing my feelings would help me. But now that I have come out public to my TRUE self, for many reasons now I feel like I have to keep many of my feelings to myself, off my blog and tucked away somewhere no one knows. WHY?

I feel like I have to share a message of HOPE and when I’m having a hard time I don’t want to let any of my readers down so I RETREAT. I keep to myself, I withdraw and I isolate. I’m not alone, because God is always with me but the less people I have around me the less nonsense I have to deal with. I know God understands, he’s with me and he cares. I’ve made commitments to journal more, read the word more and worship and pray more. I’m learning to RELAX and learn how to embrace being alone, hanging out with myself. I like myself pretty well and I truly believe I’m the best company I will ever have. Smile.

I know this is all grounded in FEAR and HURT from loosing so much in life from adoption.My fellow adoptees understand where I am coming from. There comes a point in life where you have just had enough. I am at that place. If I don’t retreat I will break. What is break to me? Relapse.

What is the big problem, Pam? Well my mind races all day everyday thinking of my birth mother, birth father, my adoptive parents, and how I was raised, or NOT raised rather. The hurt and pain I have experienced, and I also think of good things. Where God has brought me from and how much I’ve overcome. Most day’s the hurt overpowers the good in my mind and heart. I still wake up daily feeling brokenhearted. I wish I didn’t. I have tried everything in the last 4 years, and I believe some things are better but the pain is still there and it creeps it’s ugly little head and knocks me off my feet sometimes. It takes everything in me to put one foot in front of the other. I’m still after all this time trying to find out who I am and what I stand for. I also have REAL LIFE issues aside from adoptee issues. We all do right? I just makes it A LOT!

I know some things I stand for:

I’m a caregiver. I’m a nurturer. I’m a lover. I’m a hugger. I have compassion for others. I have a lot of love to give. I love simple things in life. I love outdoors. I love colors and the sky. I love Jesus. I love my kids and the happiness they bring. I love my animals. I love my fellow adoptees who understand. I love advocating for them. I love rallying for adoptee rights. I love sharing my story. I love hearing other adoptee stories. I love coffee, hot tea, worship music and the best for last, JESUS! 

There are a lot of things I love and enjoy doing.

There is still such a disconnect  almost as if I’m floating through life not connected to anything. I know I have attachment issues and I know it’s related to adoption. I have anger about a lot of things that are surfacing and I am working on that. Thankfully I don’t act on my anger, I pray about it!

National Adoption Awareness Month took a lot out of me. A LOT!  But I wouldn’t change a thing about my participation in it.

I’m still trying to learn to live with a broken heart daily. It’s hard. I’m not a good faker. Never have been. I don’t want to burden anyone with my nonsense so I don’t share with most people. If you see me or talk to me, I will tell you “I’m fine”. I’m learning I’m becoming stronger just in order to handle this pain, where they pain seems to be here to stay. I was under the impression it was going to get better at some point, but 4 years into recovery it’s stills strong. I can say my “episodes” aren’t as long as they used to be and as often so that’s something great that’s happening.

2016 has been a hard year but there have also been many blessings!

I’m still alive.

I’m still healing.

I’m still in recovery.

I’m still growing!

I have amazing kids!

I have an awesome career!

I’m believing 2017 will be a better year! 

Pray for me and I’m going to pray for you too!

Pamela A. Karanova