Category: Adult Adoptee

Dear Perpetual Adopted Children and Everyone Who Knows and Loves Them

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

Per-pet-u-al – Never ending or changing, continuing forever.

Depending on where you live, most people gain the legal status of being an adult between 18 and 21 years of age. 

For all the “Adopted Children”  between the ages of newborn and 21 years old, I hope by the time you might stumble across this article and reach the legal age of adulthood, things have shifted concerning the topic of this article. I hope those who know you and love you will allow you the space to grow up and stop confining you to the box of being a perpetual child. This article is for you and those who love you!

For all the “Perpetual Adopted Children” who are 18+ to 110+ years old, I’m writing this article for you and those who know and love you as well! 

Recently, I have been in several conversations where I have been referred to as “The Adopted Child,” or I have witnessed one of my fellow ADULT adoptees referred to as an “Adopted Child.”  Each time, this strikes my nerves and grinds my gears in a way that has been so significant that it’s sparked me to want to write an article about it. 

My goal is to validate the experiences of my fellow adoptees who are well into adulthood, even some being seniors (over 65) who are still being referred to as “THE ADOPTED CHILD.”  

This article is also to help our loved ones understand that the time is OVER when it comes to speaking for adopted adults and referring to them as “ADOPTED CHILDREN or THE ADOPTED CHILD.” I want to explain why this is damaging and hurtful to the adult adopted people who are no longer in a state of childhood.

If we are being authentic, adoption has deceived, manipulated, and bamboozled many people. We have groups of people who are convinced removing babies from their mothers is “God’s Will.” We have groups of people who PRAY for trauma to happen to a mother and a child, which is the trauma that occurs when a mother and a child are separated, and they believe when it happens, it’s “GOD’S WILL.” We have groups of people who think paying $27,000.00 for a white newborn infant or $7000.00 for a black newborn infant isn’t legalized human trafficking. We have groups of people who assume that adoption provides a better life. We have groups of people who think adoption is always a blessing, and if the adoptee feels anything less than positive feelings, they are labeled ungrateful and even tossed out of wills and disowned.

I could go on and on, but today I want to highlight individuals who continue to refer to ADULT ADOPTED INDIVIDUALS as ADOPTED CHILDREN and THE ADOPTED CHILD. 

In 1974, I was a newborn entering the world and immediately experienced a traumatic experience by losing my biological mother. On August 13, 1992, I became a legal adult in this game we call “Life.”

I entered into a space where I have fought like hell from the beginning to find my truth, heal, and find happiness and wholeness within myself. Spending 47 years on earth, I am at a place where I have spent a lot of time learning, sharing, healing, recovering from ALL THINGS ADOPTION and life in general. Somewhere along the lines of life, I have put my big girl panties on and gotten authentic with myself. It has taken a lot of willpower and determination to do this.

Aside from adoption, I have given birth to three human beings, all adults now. I raised them as a single mother. I fought through the stigma and did the best I could based on the tools I had present at the time. I have a whole career in the healthcare field, and I also founded a national nonprofit organization. I have walked through the recovery journey and experienced the highs and lows of that process. Finally, I am currently living an alcohol-free lifestyle, and I now share my journey from a space of being RECOVERED.  I have put in the blood, sweat, and tears and will soon CELEBRATE 10 years alcohol-free. 

Let me be as honest as I can, I grew the FUCK UP, and it wasn’t easy. I have many scars to prove it. But, I have the knowledge and a drive most people never experience in their lifetimes. A significant portion of my knowledge comes from lived experiences, which fills my tank up when stepping into a space of ADULTHOOD. I have earned the right to remove the mindset that I am a perpetual child in the eyes of those who view “THE ADOPTED CHILD” as never growing up. I am sure most of my fellow adoptees over 18 years of age would say the same. 

Why has society not grasped the TRUTH that I am no longer a child? I haven’t been a CHILD since 1992 when I turned 18 years old. And even then, I was a teenager, growing into my own person. To be continuously referred to as a perpetual child my whole life has caused damage to my personal experience and self-esteem. It has belittled and invalidated my feelings and emotions as if I currently respond from a child’s space. It also gives the impression I am immature and inexperienced in life.

It’s an INSULT in its most profound form. 

I would love the world to put some respect on my journey and put some respect on the adoptee journey altogether. I realize wholeheartedly that society at large has been conditioned with this perpetual child mindset when it comes to adopted children. Still, I am here to challenge anyone reading this article to ponder your beliefs and consider changing the words you use when speaking about any adopted person.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt on topics like this. However, maybe people genuinely don’t understand how their words impact adopted people. For those people, I ask you to open up to the willingness to learn that it’s never been okay to refer to adopted adults as “ADOPTED CHILDREN,” and it’s never going to be okay.

This is because so many of us rightfully take offense to it, and we will start calling people out on it, even people we are close to whom we have relationships with who we know and love. So from this day forward, I am standing up for myself to anyone who refers to me or any other adopted adult I know as a perpetual child.

In truth and wisdom, I am coming for you!

Hopefully, anyone who has made it this far has gained some knowledge and understanding of the damage that comes from this line of thinking, and maybe they will make the conscious choice to choose their words wiser. 

Additionally, I hope any adopted adults reading can gain validation that they aren’t alone when they are continuously faced with this reality of being looked at like a perpetual child in our adoption journeys.

Once we know better, we do better, and we have to do better. 

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Thanks for reading. 

Love, Love

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova

Winding Up 2016

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

This has been an interesting year for me. Lot’s of challenges, up’s and down’s and changes. The older, more mature I get the more I learn about the fundamentals of life, MY LIFE. 

Interestingly, I’ve come to the realization that no matter what happens in this life, MY LIFE people continue to disappoint me and  let me down. I suppose that’s everyone’s life to an extent, right? This means we all get a choice to handle things as they come as we see fit. What is best for each of us. For me, I have made the choice to pull back from doing “so much” and having “so many” people in my “circle”. I’m at a place of feeling so many ways, I’m afraid of putting it all down in this “Space”. You all would probably have me committed to a psychiatric hospital. So I will spare you. That wouldn’t help me anyway, sharing my feelings would help me. But now that I have come out public to my TRUE self, for many reasons now I feel like I have to keep many of my feelings to myself, off my blog and tucked away somewhere no one knows. WHY?

I feel like I have to share a message of HOPE and when I’m having a hard time I don’t want to let any of my readers down so I RETREAT. I keep to myself, I withdraw and I isolate. I’m not alone, because God is always with me but the less people I have around me the less nonsense I have to deal with. I know God understands, he’s with me and he cares. I’ve made commitments to journal more, read the word more and worship and pray more. I’m learning to RELAX and learn how to embrace being alone, hanging out with myself. I like myself pretty well and I truly believe I’m the best company I will ever have. Smile.

I know this is all grounded in FEAR and HURT from loosing so much in life from adoption.My fellow adoptees understand where I am coming from. There comes a point in life where you have just had enough. I am at that place. If I don’t retreat I will break. What is break to me? Relapse.

What is the big problem, Pam? Well my mind races all day everyday thinking of my birth mother, birth father, my adoptive parents, and how I was raised, or NOT raised rather. The hurt and pain I have experienced, and I also think of good things. Where God has brought me from and how much I’ve overcome. Most day’s the hurt overpowers the good in my mind and heart. I still wake up daily feeling brokenhearted. I wish I didn’t. I have tried everything in the last 4 years, and I believe some things are better but the pain is still there and it creeps it’s ugly little head and knocks me off my feet sometimes. It takes everything in me to put one foot in front of the other. I’m still after all this time trying to find out who I am and what I stand for. I also have REAL LIFE issues aside from adoptee issues. We all do right? I just makes it A LOT!

I know some things I stand for:

I’m a caregiver. I’m a nurturer. I’m a lover. I’m a hugger. I have compassion for others. I have a lot of love to give. I love simple things in life. I love outdoors. I love colors and the sky. I love Jesus. I love my kids and the happiness they bring. I love my animals. I love my fellow adoptees who understand. I love advocating for them. I love rallying for adoptee rights. I love sharing my story. I love hearing other adoptee stories. I love coffee, hot tea, worship music and the best for last, JESUS! 

There are a lot of things I love and enjoy doing.

There is still such a disconnect  almost as if I’m floating through life not connected to anything. I know I have attachment issues and I know it’s related to adoption. I have anger about a lot of things that are surfacing and I am working on that. Thankfully I don’t act on my anger, I pray about it!

National Adoption Awareness Month took a lot out of me. A LOT!  But I wouldn’t change a thing about my participation in it.

I’m still trying to learn to live with a broken heart daily. It’s hard. I’m not a good faker. Never have been. I don’t want to burden anyone with my nonsense so I don’t share with most people. If you see me or talk to me, I will tell you “I’m fine”. I’m learning I’m becoming stronger just in order to handle this pain, where they pain seems to be here to stay. I was under the impression it was going to get better at some point, but 4 years into recovery it’s stills strong. I can say my “episodes” aren’t as long as they used to be and as often so that’s something great that’s happening.

2016 has been a hard year but there have also been many blessings!

I’m still alive.

I’m still healing.

I’m still in recovery.

I’m still growing!

I have amazing kids!

I have an awesome career!

I’m believing 2017 will be a better year! 

Pray for me and I’m going to pray for you too!

Pamela A. Karanova

The Ailing Adoptive Mother

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova9 Comments

When you’re adoptive mom is ailing and you have no relationship with her…

I always knew this day would come.

I fill with FEAR even thinking about it!

11 years ago I packed my kids up in a 22 foot U-HAUL with all our belongings and we moved across the country far away from my adoptive mom where she couldn’t spin her sick and twisted mentality on my children and on my life any longer.

I consider it an escape.

I will never forget July 2, 2005

runaway

If you knew all I know about my life, my child hood, and the pain and anguish this lady has caused me you would consider it an escape also.

ALONE

I was alone when I made the biggest, hardest decision of my life. This one decision would impact the rest of my life and the rest of my kids’ lives. I had to make a choice. Move away and have no family ties in the state we were moving too, or stay and my kids would experience all the trauma, emotional manipulation and mental sickness that my adoptive mother is filled with.

If you are curious of all the dynamics please read The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother . I won’t go into all the details here because it would take too long.

This decision is one my kids still don’t quite understand because they escaped, and they didn’t experience all I did. I AM SO GLAD THEY DIDN’T EXPERIENCE ALL I DID! What they understand is they left the only grandmother they would ever know and one that they spent a lot of time with the first part of their lives. Because of this it has created a space of confusion for them and I hate being adopted because of this. Why should my kids have to suffer just because I got dealt a raw deal in the mother area?

Regardless, I do not regret moving them/us away so they could have a better life. I understand they might not fully understand because they didn’t experience the other side as much as I did but when I noticed my adoptive mom starting to make them rub her back, massage her body and do inappropriate things I knew it was time to go. We raise our kids to have compassion, and to be kind and to love others, especially their grandparents. Well it’s hard for them to understand and it’s something that I struggle with because I don’t ever want them to fully understand because that means they didn’t experience as much as I did. I’m thankful for that. The flip side is that in there little sweet hearts, they just want their grandma minus all the BS! It hurts them, and it hurts me to see them hurt. I had to make this choice for my kids and I and now that they are adults they can make their own choices. It was my job as their mother to PROTECT THEM. That’s exactly why I moved far away.

My adoptive dad and his wife have always lived far away and I have a little bit of a relationship with them. When I was 1 my adoptive parents divorced and my adoptive dad remarried.   As an adult in my 40’s I can’t help but question WHY. Why did he leave us with this lady and HE KNEW how crazy she was? THAT’S WHY HE DIVORCED HER! He KNEW what she was capable of, but to this day most of the trauma and drama that we experienced was kept hidden from him. Within the last few years I had a talk with him. I was curious what the beginning of my life was like. I said, “How was she as a mother when I was a baby?” If you do the research you will know how critical the bond between baby and mother is ESPECIALLY at the beginning of life. When the original bond is broken, a trauma occurs. For me, I always wondered if I bonded with her, because I didn’t feel like I bonded with anyone, especially not a mother figure. He said, “When we got the call for you to be adopted, you should have never been adopted. (He wasn’t being mean, he was just being truthful!) Your “Mother” couldn’t even take care of the first baby (my adoptive sister that was 11 months older) but she wanted another baby. She had to undergo a psychological evaluation but somehow she passed. And we were able to adopt you. After that everything went to hell in a hand basket!” — WOW. It’s unbelievable that this woman was able to adopt even after she couldn’t take care of the first adopted child.  And then my adoptive dad left got remarried and moved over an hour away.

My adoptive sister and I were left ALONE with this MANIC DEPRESSIVE NARCISSISTIC WOMAN who not only tied us to chairs with dish towels, but tried to commit suicide over and over and made us her personal slaves taking care of her day in and day out.

Through my child hood I went to my adoptive dad’s house to visit every other weekend for the duration of my child hood.  He took us on vacations; we camped and traveled a lot. He let me be a kid. He was always amazing in my eyes, aside from one thing. I remember about my adoptive dad’s house was that they have always favored and I have experienced the pain from this first hand. I was on the opposite side of the one child that was always favored, as well as the rest of my adoptive siblings. IT HURT!  I never wanted my kids to feel the pain from being favored. If you favor kids or grandkids you need to stop! It causes lifelong pain and trauma! STOP STOP STOP!  I was an adopted step child and many times I was treated as such. There always has been and always will be a favorite in their eyes, even with the grandkids. I spared my kids the pain from experiencing this and made the choice not to move where this was happening. I wanted better for them.

If we were in Kentucky all alone with no family I could protect my kids, give them a better life than what I had, no family drama and manipulation. We have a church family here. We have a church home. God has put some amazing people in our lives who are our family. We are thankful.

But there is this piece inside of me, and I’m certain my kids who are deep down sad we have no family here to spend holidays with, to have relationships with and to invite over for Sunday dinners. I still would rather have escaped than deal with the adoptive mother, but look at the alternative. WE ARE ALONE IN KENTUCKY WITH NO FAMILY. Yes, I chose that. I have to always remind myself I chose that. But I also am reminded what the alternate was…

Again, refer back to the Narcissistic Blog post.

There is no point in taking my mind to “I wish, I wish”. There is no wishing in this game of adoption. Not for the adoptee anyway! We have no wishes, no choices, and no say so. We have no rights. I had no choice in moving away if I wanted better for my kids.

Today I have 110% control over my life, and who I allow in it and who I allow to manipulate me and hurt me. I teach my kids the same thing.

My adoptive mom is at the top of the list of people who has hurt me, way before I grew up and started acting out on my pain and I began to hurt others out of hurt, anger and pain from my child hood traumas I experienced growing up. My adoptive mom is the biggest trigger I have in my entire life. I think of her coming close to me or my kids I fill with a fear I can’t even describe. The last time she was here it was literally like the devil showed itself up at my doorstep. I am not kidding either. She brought her pill addicted self to my home and tried to create drama and a wedge between my kids and I and was full force into her manipulation tactics, manic depressive episodes, and craziness that I grew up in. This was August 2012. When she left my home at this time I told her she was never welcome in my home again and if she wanted to see her grandkids she would need to get a hotel room. I NEVER want my kids to see their grandmother lying around lethargic clinging to her prescription pill bottles tighter than she is clinging to anything in this lifetime.

WHY CAN’T SHE JUST BE A HAPPY HEALTHY NORMAL GRANDMA?

I always have hope that people can change, but she is someone I don’t believe ever will. Her mental illness, pill addiction and manic depression is too severe and she has never been treated for any of the root issues regarding all these things or these things in general. Growing up I didn’t understand! Now that I am grown up I understand! She’s SICK. And in the process she has just kept destroying lives, and somehow in the middle managed to adopt 2 kids!

She always said, “Your birth mother made my dreams come true to be a mommy”.  Talk about a mental mind F$%K for a child. I wanted to know my birth mother, to see her to be near her. I wanted my birth mother to be my mother. But my biggest loss was my adoptive mother’s biggest gain. I hated her for many years of my life because of all the hell she put me through. She was never a mother, and I never bonded to her at all. She made my skin crawl and still does. I was always the one who took care of her, telling her “It’s going to be okay mommy!” as she cry day in and day out about everything you could imagine.

Let me share, I remember my entire life her having “Talks” with me about never wanting to go to a nursing home. These talks go back all the way to me being a little girl. I never understood how random this was until I grew into my adult life. One year after my escape, she drove to my door to visit my kids. She wanted to have another “talk” with me. She was only 60 years old at the time. She wanted to know if I would be her POA and agree to take care of her in her elderly years. She was trying to have this “serious” talk with me and try to manipulate me into being her POA. Does she even understand what that might look like coming from me? That’s a whole different blog post!

First of all, I have 3 SMALL children and I am a single mother barely making it back in 2005! I was on public assistance, welfare, didn’t even have a car at the time. BUT SHE- THE ADOPTIVE MOTHER drove all the way to KENTUCKY to have this “TALK” with me about HERSELF and HER ELDERLY CARE WHEN SHE WAS 60 years old! I was blown away! I told her there was no way under God’s green earth that I was going to agree to ANYTHING regarding her care! We shouldn’t even be talking about this with her being 60 years old. I was 30 for God’s sake! With 3 small children! I quickly caught on to her scheming and manipulation tactics. We hadn’t even had a relationship since I escaped! My hands were full with my kids, and I found it extremely offensive she never took anything into consideration but HERSELF.

I shut her down and her topic of conversation back in 2005. I believe wholeheartedly that as parents age, things happen naturally and one of your kids who you have a great relationship with should be the one to step up and WANT to be the POA for the ailing parents. I never have or never will expect my kids to “TAKE CARE OF ME!” as I get older! If they choose to than I would be forever thankful, but if they don’t all I ask is they make sure the nursing home where I am is providing me with the care I need, and they be a voice for me if I am unable to be a voice for myself. IT’S VERY SIMPLE but I am thinking about them and their lives and I don’t want to impose on whatever they might have going on. They might be married, raising kids, or even raising grandkids for all I know. They might be in college, or not in a financial position to take care of me. I AM OKAY WITH THAT! Truth be told, if we do what we are supposed to do in the parenting area, our kids should WANT to take care of us if they are able! We shouldn’t have to manipulate and force them at all!  I believe with my entire being that my adoptive mother ONLY ADOPTED KIDS FOR HER OWN SELFISH DESIRES AND NEEDS AND A BIG PART OF THAT WAS TO LOCK ONE OF THE 2 KIDS SHE ADOPTED INTO BEING HER POA AND MANIPULATING US TO CARE FOR HER IN HER DYING DAYS…

Not only did she get a ticket to “mother hood” by adopting, she got a ticket out of being in a nursing home when she got into her dying days…

OR THIS IS WHAT SHE THOUGHT

It has taken me 37+ years to forgive this woman. I have forgiven her back in 2012. I refuse to carry any hate towards her. I feel sorry for her. I pity her. She’s an addict and she’s mentally sick. Her doctors have completely failed her and she has manipulated every single person she has come into contact with, even churches and pastors! I have seen it with my very own eyes growing up and as an adult. I learned as a child to disassociate my child self to a grown up self. I had no choice. When I was dealing with a hysterical manic depressive “Adoptive Mother” what choice did I have?

Today, I am at a place of peace with moving away although I will always have sadness regarding having to make this choice. WHY WAS I EVEN ADOPTED IF THIS WAS GOING TO BE A CHOICE I HAD TO MAKE? I feel like an adopted orphan and there comes a lot of pain with this! Not just for me but for my kids. I still get angry sometimes knowing my kids have to experience even a little of the pain I do. I get sad, and I hate adoption because of it. Yes, I have a hard story and so do many of my fellow adoptees! But I have had to make the choice to move forward with my life! When the sadness comes, I acknowledge it because trust me, NO ONE ELSE WILL! Adoptees are ALIENATED in how we feel! There is no one to share it with aside from one another adoptee.

The point of this blog post is to ponder what to do when my ailing adoptive mother is having issues, is in rehab and she is “ANGRY” my kids or I haven’t run to the rescue. By way of a 3rd party to one of my kids her POA has given multiple messages which I believe are somewhat manipulative and of course my kids want to know “WHAT DO I DO?” At this point my kids are all adults. I do not want that lady anywhere around my kids because she’s extremely dangerous with her manipulation tactics and she has many times tried to create a wedge and start drama between my kids and I, not to mention do everything in her power to guilt my kids into feeling sorry for her. WE DON’T HAVE DRAMA UNLESS SHE’S HERE! When she rolls up it’s like my child hood flashing back accept it’s with my kids in it! It’s BAD! Very VERY BAD!

You all know I am in RECOVERY! I will have 4 years soon. Even thinking of allowing her 461b8dc93aa7a7cd596ba3b9589fde5cback in my life causes me great grief and stress and anxiety! I WILL RELAPSE if I allow her back in my life. Drinking was my escape!  Yes, I still have so many memories from my child hood that I just can’t allow her back in my life for many reasons. Mainly because she’s still extremely toxic and I have gotten SO MUCH HELP for my issues, been working for years towards healing from my childhood which she robbed from me! I am still working on myself and doing everything I can to be a better mother to my kids than what I got…

And then here she comes out of nowhere expecting my kids and I to drop our lives and come running. I am blown away! There is NOTHING I can do for her because she has done NOTHING to help herself. She is still addicted to prescription pain pills, and manipulating everyone around by her hypochondriac sickness, manic depressive episodes, sleeping all day being awake all night.

If I tap into the little girl that so desperately wanted a mommy back in my child hood I get pretty sad and part of me wishes I could do something for her. I wish she was the mother I always dreamed of. If she was a “GOOD” adoptive mother I would love to move her here, take care of her, and make sure she was taken care of! BUT SADLY I never got the mother I deserved, as many people in life don’t. I was never comforted, protected, or loved the way I needed to be loved. She said she loved me but her actions showed the opposite so I grew up never knowing what LOVE felt like. After all, when you LOVE SOMEONE “SO MUCH” you hand them over to strangers to raise?  As soon as I tap into that little girl who wants and misses her mommy, HER REAL MOMMY, I remove myself and come back to REALITY. THE TRUTH IS MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER HAS NEVER BEEN A MOTHER. SHE ISN’T CAPABLE OF BEING A MOTHER.  SHE ADOPTED ONLY SO HER KIDS COULD TAKE CARE OF HER.

What I have considered doing is that when she gets to the stage of not being able to destroy lives anymore, and when she is out of her mind I would consider it then. But as long as her mouth piece keeps running and manipulation keeps flowing from her lips I will have no part of her life. I just can’t. The first 31 years of my life were catering to her, moving her, caring for her, cleaning for her, slaving for her, everything was about HER HER HER!

Today at 41 years old, almost 42 I am putting myself first and my kids first. I have for the last 10 years and moving away was the most freeing thing I have ever done in my lifetime. I do not regret it for one minute. What I do regret is ever being adopted in the first place. I hate every bit of being adopted. I’m on the outside of 2 family trees not belonging to either of them. It’s heartbreaking

BUT GOD!

I am here and alive. I have 3 amazing kids and one of the biggest joys of my future is having my kids grow up and having wonderful relationships with them and having grandkids in the future. We are our own family. I encourage my kids to surround themselves with HEALTHY PEOPLE and HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! I encourage them to set boundaries with people if they aren’t healthy. If people can’t abide by your boundaries you have every right to cut them out of your life.

YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING!!!

I DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING!!!

I DIDN’T SIGN ANY ADOPTION PAPERWORK!

freedom

I have prayed to God, asking Him if I am supposed to be the one to step up and do something to “CARE” for the woman who adopted me but never cared for me, only emotionally and mentally abused me I would like him to please SHIFT MY HEART back to the little girl who has compassion and love for this lady who stole so much. I have never felt FREER in my life than the moment I had that truck loaded, and drove all the way across the country and I had my babies with me. The FREEING feeling is something I can’t even describe. I believe the best way is the understand that I broke free from a toxic situation to FREEDOM but it was extremely difficult to get to that point. I had to have MUCH faith in God and put my hope and trust in him. When we arrived back in KY we had no home, no money, no bank account, no keys to anything, no car, no job, ONLY MY KIDS AND I AND OUR BELONGINGS! We stayed at my twin’s granny’s house for a few months; slowly God began to bless us. DON’T FORGET I HAD A LIFETIME OF TRAUMA DEEP INSIDE STILL BENEATH THE SURFACE. CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS SO DEEP I COULD MAKE A LIST! But GOD… He blessed us, I was able to get a job, a car, a place, and we have been doing well ever sense. I HAVE FINALLY ESCAPED AND MADE SOMETHING FOR MY KIDS AND MYSELF. On the outside things have been pretty good, but deep inside it’s taken me the last 4 years in recovery to scratch the surface on all the pain adoption has caused me! I am in acceptance mode that this recovery journey is going to last a lifetime and things might not get easier anytime soon. I have 31 years of conditioning I’m breaking FREE FROM. 31 years of anger, rage, hate, self-hate, abandonment, rejection, abuse, physical, sexual and emotional from my lifetime. 25+ years of my life I was a heavy drinker because I JUST COULDN’T FEEL THE PAIN OF MY PAST.

BUT GOD…

So today while my adoptive mother has fallen, gone to a rehab nursing home and she is making demands that she hates to be there and via a 3rd party is doing her best to manipulate my kids which in return she knows will get back to me I STILL FEEL NO OBLIGATION TO RUN TO HER AND START TO PICK UP WHERE I LEFT OFF WHEN I ESCAPED IN 2005 AND BEGIN TO TAKE CARE OF HER AGAIN. I TOOK CARE OF HER FOR 31 YEARS.

I am finally at a place where I am going to start living my life, all the life that was stolen when I was a child and up until I was 31 when I escaped. I have never started living life yet, and I have 3 amazing kids who are all adults now. I feel our relationships are about to get stronger and better. So far I’ve been mother and father to them, a role that is one that is TOUGH because a lot of times they don’t like me because I have to put boundaries into play. But if our kids like us all the time we aren’t doing something right! But I am already noticing a change in our relationships where we are getting closer because I’ve had to take a step back in some areas because they are ultimately going to choose what path they are going to take in life and now I believe we are going to become closer as friends, at least that’s what I feel and hope anyway. I PRAY A LOT FOR MY KIDS. GOD GETS THE GLORY EVERYDAY for bringing my kids and I where we are but I cannot and will not let the enemy come in and STEAL any more of my life than what he has already stolen! HE’S STOLEN A LOT! God is GOOD and GOOD things have happened since I escaped and he’s going to bring MORE GOOD as we move forward.

I pray for my adoptive mom and at this point that is truly what I feel God is leading me to do for her. Prayer is powerful and prayer changes things. I pray God help her heal from all the sickness she has had my entire life. I pray God change my heart if I am supposed to go help take care of her, or bring her where I am to take care of her. At this point even thinking about it causes me great stress, anxiety, and emotional and psychological wounds that aren’t fully healed come whaling back to my mind. I clearly don’t believe God is calling me to do anything at this point. She has blood family in Iowa. She has a sister, nieces and nephews; she has a power of attorney. She has friends, a pastor and the adoptive sister I grew up with has a relationship with her. So there are other people who have relationships with her who can step up and care for her.

I am deeply saddened that even from her nursing home bed she is still trying to manipulate and make others, including my children feel GUILTY she is there. We live states away and last I knew when people made responsible financial decisions in their life they SAVED THEIR OWN MONEY for their care as they got elderly. They didn’t EXPECT THEIR CHILDREN TO PAY FOR IT. She is at a rehab! The point of rehab is for her to GET BETTER and get back on her feet so she can go back home. I suspect a major part of her problem is that they are monitoring her medications and she’s addicted to pain pills. I have seen elderly in this position and I have had 31 years + experience with her addiction and I KNOW she can become impossible to deal with. She will have the most sane person in the world PULLING THEIR HAIR OUT! So she really has no say in where she is, when she is in the best place possible getting recovery hopefully going back to her apartment. Even if I went there, THERE IS NOTHING I COULD DO! I have a job, kids and a life here in Kentucky. She is in IOWA.

Today I am at peace that God is calling me to pray for peace and healing for her. I have no obligation to RUN TO THE AIDE of someone who stole so much from me. I haven’t seen or spoke to her in over 2 years aside from a brief visit in Sept 2015 and this is a view of what we arrived to, and the sad part.. She knew we were coming. Imagine being raised in this mess? THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD…

She stole my childhood, my chance at having a mother who REALLY loved me. I don’t even know what a mother is or what a mother does?? I don’t know how a mother is supposed to be. The only way I have seen it is through others, and every time I see it I cry inside. I can’t even grasp what it’s like to have that close relationship with a mother but the closest thing I will ever have is my relationships with my kids and for them I am forever thankful. Minus having a mother, I have done my best to be a good mother to my kids. YES, I’ve made mistakes. A LOT OF THEM. But I’m trying to do better for them than what was done for me and I’m  moving forward and for once I am putting myself and my kids first. My recovery depends on it!!

I have spent the last 4 years working on myself by working the 12 steps over and over and doing so many things to CHANGE my life, for the better. I have made amends to people I hurt and asked for forgiveness as well as extended forgiveness to those who hurt me.  My adoptive mother on the other hand, is never going to change and I’m 100% positive she will die the same way she is. She’s mentally sick, she ruins lives, and her own family says she was born with evil in her body.

I wish things weren’t the way they were but because they are I feel no obligation at this time in my life to go running to my adoptive mother’s aide. I feel if she was ever in a place where she could no longer try to destroy people’s lives I might be able to consider it, meaning the later stages of her life when she is no longer able to manipulate. Perhaps she will be bed ridden, and her memory will be gone? She won’t be able to control her pill addiction, and her memory won’t remember who I even am. Maybe then I would consider it, if God calls me to do that.

For now I will pass and know in my heart of hearts I can only give what I can give and right now all I can give is PRAYER! I am only 11 years into gaining my freedom back from being conditioned for 31 years of my life, and STUCK in a toxic disgusting relationship. I’m not ready to give my life up again for someone that took so much. I’m at peace with this decision. I do feel bad for my kids who have been robbed of a happy healthy grandmother, like I was robbed of a happy healthy mother. It never leaves my mind and I have deep rooted sadness regarding this loss, not only for myself but for my kids.

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For my fellow adoptees that have been in this situation, how did you handle it?

Thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova

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Adoptee, Addicted to Simplicity

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

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The older I get the more God has brought many things to my attention that the things of the world that excite most people have no waver on exciting me.

Not in this lifetime anyway.

Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me…

If I could pay for peace of mind regarding my adoption experience do you know I would set up a payment plan and pay it off until my dying days?

Unfortunately, we all know this is a silly thought to have but truth is if there was anything on earth I would love to pay for this would be it! Can you imagine the investment we could all make in our own lives?

The fact of the matter is, when I am 41 years old STILL trying to figure out the truth, still seeking answers, still FIGHTING to seek solace and peace regarding this experience it is one of my biggest goals in life, is to feel peace about being adopted. Sadly, I still don’t have much of my truth yet and have recently found some of what I was told was lies.

When I have spent 41 years fighting for the truth, it seems it has over powered SO MUCH OF MY LIFE that I still have yet to really enjoy LIVING!

I mean how can we live when we are still trying to figure out who we are and where we come from?

I can speak from my experience only, that this life has caused me to REALLY appreciate the SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE that so many people can take for granted.

I follow an adoptive parent on social media and one weekend she spent the entire weekend taking photos of old knickknacks she had around her house that she had collected from her parents, grandparents and great grandparents. It struck a chord with me because I wondered if she knew how valuable even one of those things would be to her adopted children if it was something from their biological families? Did she know most all adoptees are robbed of this simple gift most all non-adoptees get to take part in? Again, it’s not the material value, it’s the sentimental value that each of these things holds.

I can speak for myself that I have nothing from either of my biological families. I have nothing tangible that has no material value or anything that has sentimental value. Pictures mean the WORLD to me, but I have very few of them of my biological family, although I am grateful for the ones I have. So many of my fellow adoptees have none! Letters mean the world to me, but I don’t have any from my biological family. They promised they would write but they never delivered.

Let me also share MEMORIES hold a special place in my heart. I know most people who haven’t been adopted can’t have such an appreciation for memories that I have. The memories lost forever that can never be replaced cause me more sadness than anyone can ever imagine. And I’m sorry; I can’t just get over it and move on. Every time I see someone on social media post pictures with their biological family whether it be grandparents, parents, siblings or whoever it is a trigger for many of us. It is a reminder that we are somewhere between here and there and those memories are lost forever. While most people are grieving long lost family members when they pass, they have memories to cling onto. Not the adoptee. We have deep sadness because we WISH we had those memories.

This has added to me as a person, because my primary love language is QUALITY TIME. My least favorite love language is GIFTS. I think this is a gift in itself because most people that know me know I’m one of the most genuine sincere people they will ever meet. I most definitely won’t use you for your money, and I am clear about what makes me tick.

QUALITY TIME WITH THOSE I LOVE. TALKING TO THOSE I LOVE. MAKING MEMORIES WITH THOSE I LOVE. TAKING PICTURES WITH THOSE I LOVE. – It’s that simple for me!

One of my biggest desires in life is…

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH AND THIS IS SOMETHING I AM STILL FIGHTING FOR.  MOST PEOPLE DESIRE THINGS OF THE WORLD. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY. Nicer cars, nicer houses, nicer electronics, nicer clothes, promotions on their jobs, newer clothes, shoes, watches, and the list could go on. I WOULD SIMPLY BE HAPPY AND BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE IF I HAD ALL THE TRUTH TO MY HISTORY!

I could find myself just as happy living in a one room efficiency apartment as I would a huge 8 bedroom mansion.

WHY?

Because the things I desire money can’t buy!

The sweet gift of being an adoptee who keeps things simple and who enjoys the simplicity life brings is a different aspect that most non-adoptees can’t embrace. I consider that part of this life as a GIFT. I don’t have credit cards. I don’t usually make impulsive decisions with money. I get the same happiness from 1 shirt at Goodwill as I do 1 shirt from Macys. My kids make fun of me, but I don’t care. I am the most humble frugal spirited anyone will ever meet because the most important and valuable things that I could have, that most take for granted have been taken from me.

I haven’t given up on receiving these things. I still have hope!

For my Christian friends who might be reading, yes I believe Jesus paid it ALL! But I also know God wants me to have my truth, and once I obtain the ENTIRE TRUTH regarding my adoption experience I will have that Jesus peace about my entire adoption experience. Today I have Jesus peace in most areas of my life! This just happens to be the area shaded with secrecy and lies. Let’s face it, we can’t give it to JESUS unless we know what we are giving to Him! It’s kinda hard to hand him a question mark??!!! Have you ever thought about that? You can’t possibly thing I would be choosing heartache and pain for peace of mind if it were that simple? God is TRUTH and I know he wants ALL ADOPTEES TO HAVE THEIR TRUTH! Why are so many people in adoption standing in the way and supporting half truths?

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While I continue on my journey of seeking my TRUTH, I enjoy things that are free. Being outside, being alone with God, listening to worship music, reading my bible, writing, journaling, blogging and reaching out to my fellow adoptees, supporting them in their journeys, being on board for adoptee rights. I enjoy helping hurting people, I enjoy the sky and going to coffee shops, parks, thrift shops, garage sales, bon fires. I love eliminating all negative and toxic people, places and things out of my life. I love plants and colors. I love that I can control that aspect of my life, when so much has been uncontrollable. I love growing in my relationship with God, and my church family. I love spending time with my kids, and my adoptive family who I have relationships with. I love my career of caring for elderly, and find it a major gift in my life. So you see there is more to me than being adopted but this is what God has called me to write about so my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once felt.

If anyone comes into my life and tries to disrupt the peace I do have I have no choice to eliminate them. Because I have no time for relationships or people who do nothing but drain the life out of me. It’s taken me 41 years to get to be where I am. By God’s grace I am able to see the beauty in so many areas but I am still fighting for my TRUTH! I have no time or energy for toxic people! 

I’m wondering if any of my fellow adoptees can relate to anything I have shared in this post. What brings you happiness? What brings you peace of mind? What are you fighting for most people would take for granted?

Thanks for reading and for all your support! ❤

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Take Notes…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments
One piece of advice I have for adoptees that have searched, and are about to be reunited with their biological parents or family is to TAKE NOTES. Everything they say and everything you see, take notes. Listen harder, and listen closer.
I say this because when I met both my biological parents, I didn’t expect for it to be the last time I saw them. I was sure in my mind that they wanted a relationship with me, because after all I dreamed about that my whole life. Why wouldn’t they want to get to know me? Or have me in their lives?
The first time I met my biological mother, we sat at her dining room table. She had her sister there, and her best friend. Her sister would be my biological aunt. My half biological sister was there, and she is the one who arranged the meeting. My birth mother didn’t really want to meet me, but my birth sister insisted. She knew how much it meant to me that I meet the woman that gave me life.
For those that don’t know. I found my birth mother in 1995 when I was 21 years old. My adoptive mom told me some information she had been keeping from me for a life time, so from that moment forward I had a name and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me from finding this woman. This was in my mind, but no way did I ever believe that she really never wanted to see me. After I found her, she hung up on me, and then I called back. The hang up hurt, but that wasn’t stopping me. I was very persistent in finding her, and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. Not yet. After she answered again, I made sure she knew I didn’t want anything from her. I only wanted to get to know her. After this, she spoke up and said “I am the woman you’re looking for”. I was ecstatic. The search was finally over! Finally! It’s been a lifetime of dreaming, and searching for faces in a crowd, wondering if everyone that had similarities as me just might be my biological family. We talked for a few minutes, and she told me she would respond to a letter if I write her. She said she would send me some pictures of herself so I could see what she looked like. So I could finally see who I look like. Of course I hung up the phone with extremely high hopes that I would get some mail from her in the near future. I quickly started to write her, and got an envelope to send with some pictures of me in it. I sent it off, and waited, and waited, and waited. Weeks passed into months. Every single day I would rush to the mail box, looking for the letter she promised. This turned into a very hard time in my life. Why didn’t she want anything to do with me? Why didn’t she keep her word? Did she realize how bad this hurt my feelings? I was crushed.
Finally it was made clear to me that she wasn’t going to keep her word. I knew from the first time I talked to her I had a half biological sister, but she told me she didn’t know anything about me, and she would tell her and be in touch. Obviously that was not the truth, so after I waited months on her reply I decided to set out on a search for my birth sister. I didn’t have a number but I did have an address. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point. No one’s dirty little secret was going to stop me from finding my roots. Whoevers genes I have they are some very persistent ones. I wrote my birth sister a letter, and within a few days I received a call from her, and within a few days after that she flew to Kentucky with her husband so we could meet. It was the first time in my life I finally had someone that was a biological relative that looked like me; besides my precious daughter that was 1 at the time. It was an amazing experience. We have a lot of similarities and you can tell we are sisters. We do have different fathers. She spent a week in Kentucky, and it was wonderful getting to know her. She flew back to Iowa where her and my birth mother lived and she insisted that when I come to Iowa a visit, that we arrange a meeting so I can meet my birth mother.  My birth mother agreed, even thoe we hadn’t had any more contact sense the original phone conversation. She never did write, or send pictures.
So the visit was arranged, and my life would never be the same. I just wish I would have absorbed more of what she was saying. I had no idea I would never be given that chance again. Never in a million years did I think I would never have a face to face conversation with her again. If I had it to do all over again, I would have taken notes on every detail she told me.
I must say I am VERY thankful that I was given the chance to sit down with her at her table that one and only time, because I know that so many don’t get that chance. I have spent so many years being angry at her for not giving me more, for not wanting me in her life, for shutting me out after this one visit. I have been angry for many years about many things to do with my adoption. I have to come to a point where I can get past the anger and I hope one day I will. Every single time I think of her and my birth father, I just whelp up and cry. It’s really hard for me to just act as if they don’t exist, or as if I’m not supposed to love them or have a bond with them.
If I could give one piece of advice to any adoptive parents that might be reading this it would be to give your adoptive child permission to grieve the family they had before you. And yes, no matter what way you want to look at it, they have a first family. If you try to cover this up, and ignore these facts you are only doing damage to your child. Please be realistic in this matter. Your child isn’t going to come to you and ask “Is it okay if I love my first mother?” or “Is it okay that I cry because I want to know my first family but I don’t know who they are? Please allow them permission to grieve this, because it is one of the biggest losses of their lifetime. It is over looked so much, and I’m positive that is why I am having such a hard time at this point in my life. Just now at 38 years old I am grieving what could have been, the lost relationships, my first family. This is not an easy journey. I beg for you to discuss these things with your adoptive child. It’s critical that you go to them and the words come out of your mouth as their adoptive parents. They will remember later in life that you expressed to them that it was OKAY to love their other mother, and their other family. Can you imagine living an entire lifetime having to keep such things “Secret”? This is why so many adult adoptees voice their journeys, because we can finally be heard.
With all that being said, yes I am going through the grieving process, yes I am still angry and I have every right to be. I will say that as I grieve, write, express myself and ask God for healing daily I am able to see things in a different light. But this can only happen if we are allowed to grieve the trauma, and events that have been so traumatic on us before we were adopted, and many of us after we were adopted. Acknowledging these traumas is the first step. I recommend any adoptive parents, or anyone touched by adoption to read “Primal Wound” by Nancy Newton Verrier. She explains the adopted child like no one ever has before.
 I pray that in a year you will be able to read my blogs, and go back to the very beginning and see the change that has been made. God is working, and he isn’t through with me yet.

P.S. When and if you ever get the chance to meet your biological family, take notes. My biological mother passed in 2010 and the only face to face conversation I ever had with her was the original one in 1995. Take notes.

How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

The reason I’m asking is because I think its important for everyone to know how it feels for an ADULT ADOPTEE to be ADOPTED. I think we can really learn some things from one another, as well as share our insights with the world, adoptive parents, and birth parents, as well as with other adoptees in general.
My interest in this topic is based on a book I recently purchased called “How it feels to be adopted” by Jill Krementz. In her book are many small stories from young adolescent adoptees, or even some children all from ages 8-16. I was enjoying reading this book, but I couldn’t help but wonder what their responses will be later on in life? Will they still feel the same about their adoption experience? I’m sure some will, and some won’t.

I would love for my fellow adoptee friends to help me with this project. I was wondering if you would write a paragraph, how every big you would like, or how ever small you would like on what it feels like to be adopted now that you are an adult?? Would you mind taking a few minutes to do that? I want to post this on my blog, FB “Like” Page, and my twitter so others can understand a little better on HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED.

If you would respond to this post, that would be great but if you want to remain annonymous please email your response to howdoesitfeeltobeadopted@gmail.com  and put “How it feels to be adopted” in the subject line. Also put “Annonymous” at the end if you want to remain annonymous. If you would like to respond on our “Like” page, here is the link.

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My intentions are not to hurt anyones feelings, but to shed some light on how it feels for an adopted adult to be adopted.

Many Blessings,

Adult Adoptee Support Group-Lexington, KY

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment
I have thought so many times about finding an adoptee support group in my area, but there is none.
This is no good. I have done so much healing just by being in contact with other adoptees online, and via my blog and twitter. What about those that don’t know about those things? What about those that are just as confused as ever with their adoption feelings but they don’t know where to begin with the healing process? Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a place to go to be able to share those things, and meet and fellowship with other adult adoptees? I sure think it would be
If anyone would be interested in participating in a support group for Adult Adoptees in Lexington, KY please email your information to:

adopteeloveforever@gmail.com

Revelation ESV 21:4
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”