Over the last few days it’s been made apparent to me that there is still so much deep dark sadness deep in my heart from my adoptee issues. Is it ever going to go away? I truly don’t believe so. I believe the key for me is to work on coping skills as much as wishing they would go away. I remember hearing another adoptee state one time, “It feels like a life sentence”. I believe this statement sums it up the best for me. Even as a God fearing Christian who is in a recovery program from these very issues I still have hard days, and rough patches and they seem to send me in a downward spiral into complete sadness and feelings of despair.
Let me make this clear that I am a truly blessed person. I am thankful for everything God has given me in my life, and for the fact that I have 3 amazing healthy children. I have an awesome career, a small handmade soap business on the side. I have an amazing church family, and a small circle of friends I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wake up daily and as soon as my eyes open I am thanking God for getting me to where I am today. From where I used to be I’ve come along way. I’m very thankful for my health, and for the few family members I do have contact with in both families, adoptive and biological. I’m generally a very upbeat, happy and positive person. I don’t sit around and feel sorry for myself or focus on the negative aspects in life. I focus on the future and what it’s going to be like when I have my future grand kids, and maybe a husband one day although that’s neither here nor there to me. I focus on my relationship with God, and that’s the most important relationship I have in my life. Then comes my relationships with my kids.
I can certainly say that if I didn’t have God or my kids I wouldn’t be here. I would have nothing to live for. I was hoping that my feelings of being less than, or inadequate were tapering off and going away but I believe they are still deep down there because I wouldn’t feel the way I do when I have this downward spiral of sadness that seems to come and go. It’s hard to build yourself up, and have feelings of self-worth when you have been through what adoptees go through. All adoptees are different and we are all at different stages of our journeys. We are always second class, second choice, we always have to worry about everyone else’s feelings more than our own. How do you think that makes us feel? We have to worry about what everyone will think about what we say about our journeys so we keep quiet to avoid ruffling anyone’s feathers. I find time and time again I have to defend my very feelings against people that have no clue of what it feels like to be adopted but they always seem to have an opinion or something to say. More than likely they blend in with the rest of society on how glorifying adoption is because they know someone that has adopted and believe its all rainbows. They never once taking into consideration of adoptees loose an entire family before they gain another one. We are forced to suffer in silence because no one understands us. We can never grieve the loss of our first families because our adopters deny us that right by telling us we should be grateful.
Finally at 39 I am grieving, all on my own. Because once again no one understands but other adoptees and I believe some birth mothers may understand to an extent but not fully. They lost a child; we lost a whole family and our very own mothers and fathers. Not that one is more or less than the other, because I know losing a child is traumatic and they too were more than likely denied to grieve the loss of that child but for us to have to pretend our whole lives that we should just be grateful is just flat out wrong and traumatizing. The loss of our mothers is traumatizing. Any time a mother and a child is separated a trauma occurs. This trauma needs grieving, and the proper healing to take place. Now how is that going to happen when adopters pretend it’s not even there?
I’m in a recovery program called Celebrate Recovery. It’s a Christ-centered recovery program. It’s to help everyone overcome their hurts, habits, & hang ups. I am certain God put I in this ministry to not only work on my adoptee issues but to help share the realities of the silenced side of adoption and that’s an adoptees voice. I have prayed for grace and peacefulness when I share my issues because again, I always have to worry about who I offend and whose feelings I might hurt. I give my testimony for the second time on April 3rd. I gave it this past September but I sort of sugar coated the depths of my adoptee issues, but I am spending the next 3 weeks rewriting it and I am focusing solely on my adoptee issues because I truly believe being adopted, and the impact it has had on me is the root of my dysfunctional behaviors and life style patterns. It’s why I always drank alcohol to cope. It’s why I always tried to cover the pain and hurt. It’s because that pain and hurt is so tremendous that it’s unbearable at times. I have been living a sober lifestyle since August 12, 2012. No alcohol and no drugs, no anything to numb the pain. I can tell you it’s the most difficult journey to walk and the emotions I’m processing are very real and some days I don’t even feel like going on. But I have to because my kids need me. I wake up, put on the sugar coated smile and appear to have it all together for everyone around me. But deep down it still hurts. I’m not sure if that will ever go away.
I wish sometimes I could record my thoughts about it. I was lying in bed last night with my mind racing, praying and asking God to just take it all way. Take away the sadness and pain. I was thinking about never really blending in with either of my families. I felt like an outsider in my birth family because we had no memories to speak of, no history to share. Its awkward building relationships with people you should be so close to but you are virtual strangers at ever extent. It’s even harder when they live far away. I have cut ties and let go of all my birth family accept my biological brother who is amazing. The rest of them have been too painful even down to the biological cousins. I pulled back and threw in the towel on all the rest of the relationships. I have wanted to go see my biological grandmother for the first time but at this point I’m thinking that may cause me more harm than good. How would you feel going to see your biological grandmother for the first time ever and knowing that was the only time you would ever see her so it would be your first and last time ever meeting her? Talk about emotional. Maybe if it would be better emotionally if I never went. I never opened that can of worms. Do you not realize how hard this is? I have to choose between seeing her one time or never at all. I shouldn’t have to choose this. It’s not fair. With my adoptive family, I don’t know what I would do without my cousins and my one brother I do have contact with. They have all been amazing, but sad to say it’s still not the same. We are close, some of us but we don’t share the same genetics and I always felt different and like I didn’t fit in with them either. It didn’t help growing up in a step family. So not only was I the adopted child, I was a step child also. My adoptive dad was awesome but he was also far away. We never were able to have a close relationship. But I love him dearly. IT WAS DIFFERENT! VERY DIFFERENT! I never felt like I belonged with either family. I’ve had to accept this.
I’m thankful today I have created my own life, with my own family whom are my children. This is what I wake up for every single day. My kids.
I will continue to write about my journey and share it with the world.
Thanks for reading!
Pamela Karanova 