Thanks Alex Bird! ❤
Thanks Alex Bird! ❤
I waited 20+ years for a letter in the mail that was promised to me by my birth mother. Every day the mail man would come, and I would be hopeful that letter would be there. I just wanted one letter. She promised she would send it. I wanted to see what her writing was like, and I hoped she would write the words, “I Love You” somewhere at the bottom. I could keep it forever as a keepsake to take out and read or frame it so it would last forever. But, sadly I never received it nor did I ever hear the words “I Love You”. I started to hate to check the mail. It was a daily let down, and a sadness that no one could grasp. Through the years, I had hung onto hope that one day that letter would come, but then she passed away in 2010 so that hope died, along with her. I would give anything to have that one letter.
Now it’s 2014 and God has put an elderly man in my life I have cared for over the years and he has a son that has been estranged from the family. Today, I helped him write his son a letter. He wrote “I think of you often and hope you are well, I Love you,-Pop” at the bottom. I can only hope that letter will bring his son much joy, just like the letter I hoped to receive from my birth mother would have brought me. Maybe just maybe, my experience in understanding the power of a letter will bring him some comfort knowing that even when they may not have the best relationship, he has that letter, from his Pop that says “I love you”.
If my birth mother kept me chances are I would have ruined a marriage just by simply being born. I feel now after knowing the TRUTH that she made the best decision she knew how but that doesn’t mean she loves me. Her actions after I found her show me otherwise. I think this is what has had me so messed up for so long. She gave me away to strangers and shut me out after I did locate her because I was a reminder of her pain. Of her shame and guilt. Not because she loved me. Love is patient and love is kind. She showed none of that and I have come to a place of acceptance that she didn’t love me at all. She wanted to get rid of her dirty little secret she hid from everyone.
The adoption industry led my birth mother to believe she was making a selfless decision and the best decision for her baby. In the 70’s unwed mothers were less common than they are today but they increased in years to come. The truth is her shame and guilt for her actions and the stigma of that ear was greater than her love for me. She just wanted to get rid of me. I truly believe she never wanted me to find her or return into her life. The part I was struggling with is HOW SHE LOVED ME SO MUCH but SHE SHUT ME OUT AND REJECTED ME. I kept thinking about it and everyone else around told me she loved me, but she never did. Everyone in society is speaking for her but that is more lies to add to the pile of lies in adoption. Adoptees can’t heal from living a life of lies. I have had to uncover every single detail about MY LIFE ALONE. But the best part is; now I am able to heal because the LIES are exposed and I have found out the TRUTH on my own. God heals. I know this, but you can’t heal living a lie.
Maybe adoptees who had good reunion stories have a different way to look at their experience. But for me, I don’t think anything in life can top the pain from being rejected by your biological mother and father. That’s just the after effects of the original trauma of being separated from my first family at the beginning of life. Then another aspect is being raised in an abusive home that was not a better life. With adoption no one can promise a better anything. You can’t heal unless you know the truth!