As I was getting ready to head to an 8:00pm AA meeting last night, and as I looked in the mirror to get ready, curling my hair it dawned on me. I was REALLY getting READY to go to an AA meeting on a Saturday night. I was in total amazement that this was really happening. I was thinking in the back of my mind, “Watch the roof cave in!”. LOL I was in shock myself.
I recall many of nights, especially weekends where I look in that same mirror to get ready to go to happy hour, or to go out with my friends and drink. So many times I could never even dream of counting. I finished getting ready, and I told my kids what I was doing. I gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be back. It was another crazy moment for me, because so many times I would go out and drink with my friends, and when they would ask me when I was coming home, I would reply, “I’m grown, I don’t have a time, but I will be back, Love u!”. And it seems like that no matter when or where I went, that time was always later and later.
This time was different. I hugged them tight, and let them know I will be back around 10:30pm at the latest. This made me feel great that I not only was going to do something productive, but I was able to keep my word to my kids, and I did return home but it was a little after 10:30pm. It was closer to 11:00pm, but that’s because I went with some friends to have coffee, but my kids knew I was on my way.
I stopped to get gas. I went in, paid and got a diet 7-Up. I came out and had another moment where I was amazed that I wasn’t coming out with a 12 pack of beer like I have so many millions of times before. It was another little form of what I call “VICTORY”. It was a smile in my heart, but no one knew it but me.
I was excited to come home sober, and go to bed sober, All though the coffee had my heart racing when I was trying to go to sleep, but that’s okay. I should have known better than to drink it that late anyway. 🙂 It was worth it.
I was nervous getting my 30 day token (35 days today), because I’m sort of shy standing up in front of people I don’t know, but something about this group I have been going to downtown has just won my heart. I am such a home body, and I have been trying to go to meetings in my area, because it’s closer travel wise, but going downtown gets me out of my comfort zone, and takes me to an area I love. Downtown. I love the vibe and the business of it, the flow of traffic, and people everywhere. Most of the time people are friendly. Coffee shops, and small cafes. My heart is downtown, and you can have a lot of fun downtown with no money at all.
So after I received my 30 day token, the guy gave me a hug, and everyone clapped for me. I can’t tell you the new found freedom I felt when everyone said, “Congratulations, Keep comin back!”. They really made me feel like home. I decided to make this group my home group. Put my name in the Birthday Book, (Sobriety Date) which for me is my new “Birth” day. That is the date I started LIVING and it cancels out the date my birth mother gave me away. I’m very happy with this, and I believe in my whole heart, that God has this under control.
One other thing I’m realizing is that certain friendships are going to die, because I’m not the person I used to be. Things are different, and times have changed. Part of me is sad about this, but another part of me is being at peace that God is going to put new people in my life to take the place of the old, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Some days are harder than others, but nothing in the future will be any harder then the last 38 years and knowing that, I can smile.
I’m learning from some old timers I’ve met in the rooms, that among the other millions of things I am thankful for, they have reminded me that I’m young. They didn’t “GET IT” until they were much older than me. I still have so much life left to live, and I am totally on the right track, with positive purpose on my mind. I have met some people that have hit rock bottom to where they have been homeless and lost everything, and they have the spirit that soars with JESUS in their lives like you wouldn’t ever imagine! I find that AMAZING! I mean literally walking miracles, and if they can feel that, and speak that, and BE THAT then I can too!
TODAY: I am so thankful for AA and Celebrate Recovery, and all the people God is putting in my life.
Pamela Karanova 