It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.
I remember that feeling oh so well.
Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s
(and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.
I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then? Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?
I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.
I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world.
I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.
If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.
I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!
Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!
If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed. My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.
There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.
Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?
The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain. Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed. Sharing is healing.
ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!
Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.
But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.
Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.
Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.
No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.
But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.
WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!
Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!
Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.
I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain. This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.
For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.
I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.
For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share. Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored.
(Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)
Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?
I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society. My truth is my truth.
Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.
I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life.
No one tells me how I should feel here.
They have told me how to feel my entire life.
If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so. I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay. Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.
For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.
The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.
Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil. Lying is never okay.
My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.
Speaks for itself.
It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.
Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤
If you made it this far, thanks for reading!
For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!
Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited