The Difference in Today, Feeling the Feels

I’ve come to a recent discovery after doing some self-reflection that I am someone that takes longer than your average person to process feelings, especially ones that are considered heavy or disheartening. I’m naturally a BIG feeler and a deep thinker.

While discovering this, it has been said that this is a “hang-up” or a “bad thing.” As I ask myself, “am I defective for taking so long to process things?” or “is something wrong with me for taking so long to process things?” I’ve been trying to process why I am this way, and I had an epiphany this morning.

I take longer than the average person to process things, because I’m feeling the feelings and processing them. I’m not side stepping or avoiding truly feeling and processing feelings. I’m doing the work, I’m evaluating my part, and caring enough about myself to not rush the process. This is self-care. This is self-love. This is putting myself first, and in return I can show up for others in a more grounded way. I spent 27 years drinking alcohol to numb my reality, to escape.

While running, I didn’t have to put in the work to feel the feelings and process the pain. I jumped from one shit storm to another for 27 years. I didn’t show up but a shell of me did. Avoidance worked until I decided I wanted to get real with myself, and all the problems I had been running from for 27+ years showed up at my front doorstep. I could only run for so long… 27 years is ALONG TIME!

The difference in today…

Today, I’m no longer running home to drink so I don’t have to feel. A shell of me is no longer showing up, but all of me is, along with my imperfections. As I approach a 9-year milestone in my recovery and alcohol-free journey (8/13/12) I am taking note of the way things are for me now, verses the way things used to be. I’m no longer depending on alcohol to take the pain away; I’m depending on myself to put in the work to do that.

This takes a while.

I’m not a robot.

While others might say this is a negative thing, or something they can’t live with or tolerate, I can say I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come. It’s taken a lot of self-work, blood sweat and tears to learn how to process real and raw feelings after spending 27 years escaping them. No one has shown me how to do this, I have no mother, father, siblings, aunts, or uncles pouring into me. I have figured it out on my own.

Let me add, responding after a trauma response is triggered, is a whole new beast. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle. Admitting and committing to help is another piece of the battle. I’m a work in progress as we all are but I’m not sitting in denial. I have work to do.

It’s all a part of the growth process, I think. As we grow and move forward in life, we discover new things about ourselves. Some of them will make us pick our face up off the floor, and some we ease right on into depending on the circumstances. We’re all a work in progress, and we’ve all adapted to life’s circumstances using survival skills, some healthy and some unhealthy. It’s up to each of us to put in the time, work, and effort to figure out new ways to work things out, especially when the old ways don’t necessarily serve us a great purpose.

Sharing because if I’m ever late to the party, likely I’m over here processing and feeling the feels just so I can show up at all. But when I show up, I will show up with all of me. Not fragments or broken up pieces of me like I did for 27 years. I won’t show up avoiding my reality, masking my feelings with alcohol. I call it self-loyalty and being true to me. It’s not for everyone to accept and not everyone will understand this. That’s okay. I’ve accepted I’m not for everyone.

My main focus is on being true to me. Then, I can show up genuinely for others in a more well rounded way. Wherever you are in your healing and processing journey, be easy on yourself. You are right where you need to be. 💛

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Pamela A. Karanova

2021 – A New Year, A New Chapter

It’s time to turn the page

We’re winding up 2020, which could very well be the worst year of many of our lives. It’s been so weird, in so many ways, that most of the time, I don’t even have the right words to share how this year has made me feel. Today I will do my best to try.

It’s been a year of feeling for me. It’s been a year of independence, growth, and prioritizing commitments. It’s been a year of pruning relationships out that no longer serve a purpose. It’s been a year to focus on being true to myself. It’s been a year to set boundaries and to bring visions to life. It’s been a year of isolation and aloneness. This year has been so complicated and filled with a million layers. I’ve experienced highs and lows and just about every emotion in between, as I’m sure many of us have.

But if you’re reading this, you made it, and I made it. We’ve survived. But I never want to forget all the people who didn’t. So many people have lost so much, and my heart truly aches for them and their families.

One of the things I can share is that this year, personally, hasn’t been a year that was much different for me than most years when it comes to feeling alone and isolated. I’ve been feeling that way my entire life, from adoption. I’ve talked to many adoptees, and they feel the same way. We’re the kings and queens of adaption. We’ve handled it like a camp, just blending in, in the background. Other’s of us completely lost our sh*t. I’ve experienced a mixture of both.

While this new transition has rocked the world of many, it’s not new for many of my fellow adoptees and me. I’ve learned to adapt to this way of life from as far back as I can remember. My adoptee experience is described as being alone on an island, and it’s just the way it is because it’s the way it’s been for my entire life.

While 2021 is right around the corner, I have several new topics I plan to write about this year. I’ve been slacking on writing on my website, but only because I have so many other things going on with Adoptees Connect, Inc. It’s hard to find the time, but writing is one of the most therapeutic healing tools I have yet to find, so I am making a recommitment to myself to pick back up on writing as a healing tool for myself.  

Some topics I hope to write about:

  • Religious Trauma Syndrome
  • Open Adoptions being Closed by AP’S
  • Religion & Adoption
  • Relinquishee vs. Adoptee
  • Adoptee in Recovery/AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery
  • Dual Mother Wounds for Adoptees
  • Healing Tools for the Mother Wound
  • Adoptees & Mental Health
  • Deconversion & Religion
  • Articles to Birth Parents & Adoptive Parents
  • Mother Nature AKA Mother Earth & Healing Adoptee Pain
  • Adoptee Attachment vs. Adoptee Connection
  • Generational Relinquishment & Adoption Trauma
  • Being Brave – Sharing Your Adoptee Story

These are just a few things that come to my mind. I’ve never written about some of these topics, yet only shared my feelings with a small circle of close friends. It’s taken me years of self-reflection and processing to get to a space where I feel comfortable sharing some of my feelings associated with these topics.

Adoption isn’t the only thing in life we come out of the fog about.

When adoptees come to a place in their journeys where they embrace a journey of sharing their voices, it’s so important the adoption community come together to support them. Getting to this space can take a lifetime for many of us.

This year has been one of the most challenging years of many of our lives, and I hope we exit out of 2020 with a newfound hope that 2021 has to be better. I haven’t set myself up for the false hope that as soon as midnight hits on 12/31/20 like a magic wand, everything will be back to “normal.” I don’t think the normal as we once knew it will ever return.

However, hope is on the horizon that things will be better. At least that’s what I’m hanging onto, a sliver of hope I’ve found among the fear, heartache, and pain I’ve experienced this year.

What are you looking forward to this year?

For me, I’m hopeful that in the early spring, our Adoptees Connect – Lexington, KY group will be back at meeting in person again.  I’m confident that I will have many more outdoor adventures, and my soul will be filled with the great outdoors, which brings me great joy. I’m hopeful love will continue to knock on my door, and be an experience that I’ve never had before. More memories with my kids will be made, and I feel I will cherish my health more, and I will continuously be consciously aware of what I consume, and put in my body. I will focus on my health, and happiness and not just what everyone sees on the outside either. I will continue to set hella boundaries, and I will stop explaining these boundaries to others, as well as stop explaining myself and my reasoning when most of the time, people could care less. I will take my time in responding, being on time and accurate because I can allow myself grace to make mistakes. I will tap the breaks when new people come into my life, so I can learn them before I make a decision to just let them in my life.

Not everyone deserves to be in our lives.

I feel the sorrow we’ve experienced in 2020 will linger on for a lifetime, however a new day will bring new joys. A new year will bring new goals. New people will bring new memories. Turning the page will allow us to embrace new challenges, new fears and new hopes for 2021. As you see, I’ve accepted that it might not be all rainbows and unicorns, and things won’t likely ever get back to “normal” however, I’ve also accepted that I have many things to look forward too and that’s where I hang my hat. Hope 2021 will be better than 2020.

I hope the same for you!

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my article. I wish you and your family a peaceful transition as we roll into 2021. A special THANK YOU to each of you who support my work, writings, and missions. Without you, I wouldn’t be here because your support means everything!

When a “Birth” Mother Lies & Keeps Secrets…

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After 41.5 years I am still trying to fix the mistakes of my birth mother.

In her eyes “It was the best choice”.

In my eyes it’s been the biggest nightmare and loss of my life.

41 years ago I was a secret to everyone around. Her shame was too big. Her guilt probably enormous. I have tried to put myself in her shoes back in 1974. She made probably one of the hardest decisions of her life. I have accepted her decision. She did what the industry told her would be THE BEST FOR ME…

Hand me over to strangers.

But what they failed to tell her was the lifelong grief, loss, abandonment, rejection & trauma I would experience because of HER CHOICE.

I HAVE HOPE IN HEALING BECAUSE GOD IS MY HEALER!

Her choice was to keep who my biological father was hidden. Not just from me, but from HIM. She CHOSE FOR ME AND FOR HIM that we could never lay eyes on one another, never celebrate a Father’s Day or Holiday together. She CHOSE for us both that we would never have a relationship.

SHE DID THAT.

Because of her SECRET he knew nothing about me.

Naturally I want to know Him! I want to find him!

Because He knew nothing about me when I showed up at his door,

HE HAS DENIED I’M HIS DAUGHTER FOR THE 16 YEARS HE’S KNOWN ABOUT ME. 

WHY?

BECAUSE MY BIRTH MOTHER KEPT THE PREGNANCY A SECRET. I WAS GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.

“FATHER UNKNOWN”

WAS A LIE!

How do we teach our kids not to lie but adoption is filled with lies and deception?

Explain that to me?

I wonder how many women FALSELY put “FATHER UNKNOWN” on their child’s birth certificate knowing they were lying, being deceptive, keeping life changing information hidden for years to come?

My birth father has known about me since 1999. He’s had 16 years to get to the bottom of the truth. But because of MY BIRTH MOTHERS DECISION he is skeptical I show up on his door step and tell him I’m his daughter! Do you blame him? I don’t?

He has said over and over “what are we gonna do get a blood test 30-40 years later?!”

Actually DNA is so much more advanced now, I was able to get a DNA test without his DNA which linked me 2x to his family tree by his family surname.

BIRTH MOTHERS CAN LIE AND KEEP SECRETS ALL THEY WANT BUT DNA DOESN’T LIE!

THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT!

ALWAYS!

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.”- Luke 8:17

You can read my last attempt to deliver him the DNA confirmation here.

A follow up to that post is basically Father Felix stopped communication with me. 100% cold turkey.

Heartbroken All Over Again.

Regardless I never knew if he delivered the DNA Results. So I decided in one last attempts to FIX WHAT MY BIRTH MOTHER LIED ABOUT I needed to make sure my birth father knew the TRUTH that I am his daughter. I have decided to mail the DNA results on my own along with a letter and a photo.

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WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOSE?

Absolutely NOTHING!

I went through a phase where I had given up. I lost all hope. I just couldn’t deal with any more rejection from my biological family but I prayed about it and something happened.

God gave me a fresh new wind to give it one last shot.

What am I expecting?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

But this is something I need to do for myself. There has always been that uncertainty as far as my birth father is concerned. He didn’t know if I was REALLY his or not! Think about it, he would have to face the past and take accountability for his actions. He fathered a child out of wedlock, in the 70’s. He might feel shame or remorse, he might not care at all! Either way I am not mad at him, but I can’t imagine not wanting to get right with my only daughter before I die! He’s 77 for God’s sake.

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Do we look alike?

Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do after he receives the TRUTH I have done my part. I have spent 41 years in agony and those days are over for me. If he knows I’m his only biological daughter and HE STILL DENIES ME

I AM FINISHED!

I will leave the door open, but I am walking away.

So what happens when a birth mother lies and keeps secrets?

IT ONLY HURTS THE ADOPTEE AND IT HURTS US GREATLY! IT DOESN’T JUST GO AWAY. IT’S A LIFE LONG STRUGGLE. IF THE ADOPTION AGENCIES AND ADOPTION COUNSELORS ARE TELLING YOU OTHERWISE THEY ARE LYING TO YOU. I AM ADOPTED AND I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY!

I MAILED THIS PACKET TO MY BIRTH FATHER TODAY. AFTER 42 YEARS IF HE STILL DENIES ME IT’S HIS LOSS. BUT PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME AND A PRAYER FOR HIM.

WHAT HAS IT BEEN LIKE HAVING A FATHER OUT THERE THAT IS ALIVE BUT I CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE ADOPTION STOLE HIS RIGHTS AND STOLE A CHANCE AT US GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER? LIKE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF SOMEONE WHO IS ALIVE. HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT? ADOPTEES HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS DAILY AND THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS CAN PRETEND ITS NOT THERE BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT…

LET ME SHARE YOU ALL ARE THE LAST PEOPLE I WOULD SHARE THESE FEELINGS WITH. THAT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BLOG POST.

FOR ALL THE BIRTH MOTHERS/FIRST MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE READING- IF YOU ARE KEEPING ANY SECRETS OR LYING PLEASE RECONSIDER.

EVERYONE DESERVES THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM.

WE CAN’T HEAL UNLESS WE HAVE OUR TRUTH!

ALL OF IT!

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Where is God in the middle of my hopelessness?

Well… I truly believe He’s one of the only ones I can say 100% is walking along side of me. He knows my struggles and He knows my pain.

Lately, it’s taken everything in my to just get through day to day life, let alone be online engaging in any communication or conversation.

I had to withdraw. For many reasons.

Many of my blog followers and a few of my close friends knew about my journey to present my DNA connection to my biological father to once and for all prove I’m His daughter. You can read about it here Delivering the DNA results with grace.

I’m briefly catching everyone up with an update.

Well there really is no update.

After all Father Felix shared with me he has stopped responding to my emails and I haven’t heard one word from Him sense March 5th.

Just like that… The one and only Hope I had in my Birth Father changing his mind and maybe wanting to get to know me is OVER. Just like the snap of a finger.

Over the last few months my hope has diminished to nothing.

I can’t help but come to a place of acceptance in order to be able to move forward with my life but it has been the most sorrow I think I have yet to experience regarding my adoptee journey.

If everyone thinks the cute little baby you adopt won’t have lifelong grief, loss and trauma they are wrong. I am 4 1 years old and some days the pain is too much to get me out of bed in the am..

BUT GOD..

Because of God I am here.

I am alive.

Aside from other life’s mountains that have come my way the realization that Father Felix has also abandoned and rejected me is a lot for me to take in. In his words, “Your days of rejection are over. I am old enough to be your father, I would be happy to be your Father if J.J doesn’t!”

The part that is SO HARD for me is that PEOPLE are so QUICK to SPEAK WORDS and they don’t follow through. I DON’T NEED ANY MORE BULLSHITTERS and LIERS in my life!

I MEAN WHAT I SAY!

What has this done for me? Made me feel like everyone in the world is just full of it. Anytime someone says something I make a mental note that says, “Let’s see if their actions line up with their words!”.

So where am I at today?

Extremely hurt deep down and trying to pick up the pieces of what I find to be the last chance of ever meeting my biological grandmother. Of ever having one memory with her. Of ever hearing about her life. This is IT for me to ever be able to make any memories with any of my family on my biological fathers side. This is IT for ever being able to celebrate their lives with them and hear about their childhoods and what their life was like growing up. This is IT to ever feel that sense of belonging, the one only DNA connections can provide with any of my biological family.

I have felt extremely guilty for coming with a message that is filled with pain. I have felt I have to always bring a message of HOPE for my fellow adoptees. That is why I haven’t said much at all and that is part of the reason I got off Facebook. I just can’t handle the external weight that comes with being on Facebook right now.

I would write more.

But I won’t. It’s nothing anyone would understand unless they have gone through it.

Today, I am thankful I have my kids because without them I would not be here.

Plain and Simple.

Thank God for my relationship with Him, because although I feel like the world has failed me, He has not. He’s been along side of me helping me put one foot in front of the other.

Every. Single. Day.

I will be approaching my 42nd “Birth”day which is dooms day for me. Think about that day, and what happened that day! There is nothing to smile about for me. No not even LIFE! I have prayed and prayed for God to help me celebrate this day and I just can’t. But I will do my best to put on a smile for those I might see. My sobriety birthday of 4 years is also coming up. That’s def something to celebrate but the pain to go along with being a sober adoptee.. It’s been the hardest 4 years of my life!!!!

But I wouldn’t change my recovery journey for anything. My kids deserve a happy healthy mom and my future grandkids deserve a happy healthy grandmother!

Pamela A. Karanova

Healing. Through. Writing

HDIFTBA Photo Challenge

The Fight of My Life

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God planted me in my birth mother’s womb

Did he plan all the alcohol she would consume?

I know he did NOT. This was her choice

Just like surrendering me for adoption

As an innocent baby with no voice

Month by month passes

The date is getting closer

I spent 9 months bonding

But I was getting ready to lose her.

A sacred bond

Would be broken too soon

I can imagine the sorrow

In the delivery room

August 13, 1974 the fight began

The minute I was born my birthmother ran

Conceived out of a drunken one night stand

Did my tiny body ever feel her warm soft hands?

I spent the next 4 days in the nursery all alone.

But I always wondered

Did she name me?

Did she hold me?

Did she love me?

Did she think about me?

I will never know my birth right

What was the beginning of my life like?

Handed over to strangers

Who wanted a child of their own

What happened to my mother?

Her voice, scent & sacred bond are all I’ve ever known.

A counterfeit bond was forced upon me

Who was this lady?

I didn’t recognize anything about her

Forced to live a delusion

I had no way out

Trapped in this home with this woman

Who wanted to be my Mother

I never bonded with anything about her.

Her Her Her

It was all about Her.

I made her dreams come true.

My sadness never welcomed.

She conditioned me to be THANKFUL

How could I be thankful for the biggest loss of my life?

My loss never acknowledged.

I never grieved or processed losing an entire family.

I loved my first family but I couldn’t even put faces or names to them.

TORTURE

Years passed and I would ask

OVER AND OVER

“Where is my mother?”

 “She loved you so much, but she gave you away for me to raise”

How does a MOTHER give away their child?

Especially the one they LOVE?

CONFUSION & CHAOS

NO UNDERSTANDING

HEART BROKEN

SAD

DEPRESSED

ANGRY

RUNAWAY

RAGE

ALCOHOL

SEX

DRUGS

FIGHTING

ANGER

ANGER

ANGER

EVERY DAY SEARCHING FOR MY MOTHER!

Where is she? This has to be a mistake.

No mother would give their baby away if they love them?

What is love anyway?


PAIN-GRIEF-LOSS-ABANDONMEMNT-REJECTION

ADDICTION

My birth mothers sickness became my sickness too.

I started drinking alcohol at 12

It was all I knew

It took the pain away

But only until the next day

It haunted me and tortured my mind

But why can’t I just leave it all behind?

BECAUSE

I NEEDED TO KNOW WHO I WAS

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME?

I NEED MY ANSWERS

BUT NO WHERE TO TURN

THE WORLD IS UP AGAINST ME

I HAD TO FIGHT ALL ALONE

FROM THE MOMENT I WAS BORN

MY HEART TURNED TO STONE

ALCOHOL CONTINUED TO NUMB EVERY BONE.

Looking around

Surrounded by strangers

Where is my family?

Looking in the mirror hating what I was looking at

I was disposable

JUST LIKE THAT

The Fight of my Life is just beginning

I needed my truth with EVERYTHING IN ME

How do you live with your HISTORY kept hidden?

The WORLD glorifies my biggest LOSS

Leaving me feeling alone, isolated & I feel like the

 WORLD’S MOST HATED

All because I NEED MY TRUTH?

Begging the world for something that is already mine

Do they not understand the value of TIME?

Every day that passes, memories are LOST

Will they ever be FOUND?

The world celebrates my biggest loss.

Heartbreaking but I must keep it silent

The fight continues

This is the FIGHT of my LIFE

This is not just for me

It’s for my kids, my future grandkids and their kids.

I’m up against the WORLD

The WORLD that glorifies adoption

But doesn’t welcome me finding my TRUTH

How heartbreaking to be in such a world

That doesn’t support adoptees who

NEED THEIR TRUTH

How does it feel to be a secret?

My birth father didn’t know I existed

For 37 years I wished I was aborted

That’s as honest as I can keep it.

Call it selfish

Call it what you want to call it.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN

BEING BORN IN A WORLD

FOR ANOTHER PERSONS GAIN

If the adoption agencies would be HONEST

Maybe adoptees would have some resources available

Instead they deny our grief, loss & trauma

Adding to the terrifying adoptee suicide rate being 4x

More likely than non-adoptees.

HOW CAN THEY LIVE WITH THEMSELVES?

Profiting off such trauma, grief, lies, and supporting secrecy & lies?

But you keep glorifying adoption and keep turning a BLIND EYE

At the pain involved. You support adoption but you don’t support all adoptees in finding our TRUTH?

You are part of the problem.

FACE IT!

NO RUNNING!

GROWING UP-

Reoccurring thoughts of suicide

Visited me morning, noon and night

Darkness is not from God-

He is the WAY THE TRUTH & THE LIGHT!

He had no intentions of me being born into a FIGHT!

 

The Fight of my Life

Seeking any CLUE to my PAST

There is NO HELP AND NO ONE TO ASK!

Question marks follow me everywhere I go

Don’t they understand?

IT’S KILLING ME TO NOT KNOW!

THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH

I need the truth

I’m fighting for the TRUTH

That’s all I want for Christmas, Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving and any other holiday

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

All I want is truth…

Wrap my truth up and gift it to me please?

My truth is more valuable than a

Hundred pound sack of rubies

Put “TRUTH SEEKER” in my

BOOK OF LIFE

Lord knows when I go out it isn’t going to be without a FIGHT!

I didn’t care if my birth mother was a $2 crack whore

I STILL WANTED TO KNOW HER!

Finally over a 40 year period

Fighting the FIGHT of my LIFE

I finally find my truth.

God handed it to me piece by piece

He said “Give me some time and you will see…”

No one on earth helped me or supported me

I was alone.

But God, he was with me the entire time.

It’s the people of this WORLD

Who left me HIGH & DRY

They didn’t care of the mental torture

And emotional anguish I experienced

Even the counselors don’t understand

They SUCK at complex adoptee grief, loss & trauma adoptees face!

NONE HELPED ME & I SAW DOZENS OF THERAPISTS GROWIN UP!

But GOD

As I received my TRUTH as heartbreaking as it has been

He knew I needed to know what the world felt like they were protecting me from

Because GOD knows in order to HEAL IT WE HAVE TO FEEL IT.

God knows we need our TRUTH to move forward and heal.

No matter what painful double rejection I have experienced from FIGHTING SO HARD FOR MY TRUTH God has been with me when the world has left me.

I feel betrayed by the world

LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED

God is my only safe place

Who understands?

My fellow adoptees

God

That’s it.

God alone is enough for me, but when I flock together with my fellow adoptees

I have a peace that surpasses all understanding.

They get me. I get them.

They understand me. I understand them.

I SHARE MY STORY FOR THEM

August 12, 2012 I had my last drink

Reality set in and God gave me some time to think

I was running, but running from what?

The PAIN the TRUTH Brought

I denied it until I put the bottle down.

The Fog Lifted

Things became clear

No more alcohol

Finally HEALING is NEAR!

40+ years after fighting the WORLD for my TRUTH

I have made the choice to wave the white flag.

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I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FIGHT ANYMORE!

This FIGHT HAS TO DIE or it will KILL ME FIRST!

My Mind

If you only knew the thoughts I have in my mind, daily.

It has drained me dry, isolated, all alone all I can do is cry!

I can’t even focus on living because my LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A LIE!

No more alcohol to numb the pain

It’s been 1309 Days since my last drink

 I live my life in recovery.

4 Years soon!

I’ve been consumed on a healing journey

But now that I have my truth I can accept it and move forward.

I was not allowed to FEEL the pain publicly or outside of my mind growing up

SO I share it TODAY because today I’m FREE

Free because after I’ve fought the good fight

 And it’s all said and done I’ve learned I’m not like

ANYONE

I am who God created me to be!

Fighting so hard to fit in and find my place.

God has clearly let me know I am like Him

BUT HE KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE

MY TRUTH

IT WAS HEARTBREAKING

IT TORE MY HEART INTO SHREDS

I would rather know the truth than live a LIE

But GOD

He’s given me the tools to heal.

He is my healer!

All the times growing up I thought God abandoned me

He was right there with me when the world abandoned me

He is a God of TRUTH

He isn’t a God of secrets & lies!

If you ask yourself what “Truth” is and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT) 

TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN!

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13

“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2

If the word TRUTH is in the bible 269 times (NLT) why can’t adoptees have their truth?

Why are we the exception of receiving what’s rightfully ours?

I’m standing on God’s word for ALL ADOPTEES ALL OVER THE WORLD!

Secrets & Lies are from people of the world.

NOT GOD!

Adoption Agencies & the Adoption Industry condone Secrecy & Lies

God is a GOOD GOD

He doesn’t want pain and anguish for his children

Especially for 40+ years

The Fight of my Life

Has almost taken me out

If the devil had his way I would have never learned what God was all about!

But God shined his light on me

He knew my broken heart and why I needed to see

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

But I had to determine this for myself

Not because the WORLD was trying to

PROTECT ME!

(Secrets & Lies)

I’ve fought the good fight so many take for granted

WHO AM I?

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

Thank God his seeds have already been planted

I’m making the choice to FORGIVE the WORLD

And the ADOPTION INDUSTRY

But I will never forget how your secrets and lies have impacted me!

They have hurt me deeper than you will ever know

But today I’m ready to live my life with my past as freshly fallen snow!

God promised it in his word, you know?

I can’t keep looking over my shoulder trying to figure out

WHY

WHY

WHY?

The fact that I’m the daughter of the KING makes my eyes tear up and CRY.

Happy Tears that bring FREEDOM & JOY

No matter how I came into the world

God planned me when my birth parents did NOT

He greeted me into this world, and hugged me tight

While the warm hands of my birth mother were nowhere in sight.

Hanging onto the pain is only blocking some of God’s light!

He calls his children to walk in FREEDOM

The closer I get to Him the more I can rely on Him when the triggers come

AND THEY COME!

Every Mother’s Day, Holiday, Birthday and Christmas.

Every time I want to call my “mother” she is nowhere to be found.

JESUS!

 HELP ME PLEASE!

MOTHER-LESS

MOTHER WOUND

God is my father, but it’s hard to replace him as my MOTHER

The mother wound is deep

But I have to allow myself the space (my blog) to process my emotions because I know the non-adoptee world really doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t relate.

Hating the WORLD and the people in it who support adoption has hurt me even more. Feeling like I’m up against the WORLD has created an even bigger sore.

An open WOUND next to impossible to heal

BUT GOD

Everywhere I look, if they only knew how I feel.

Ignorance is bliss

They don’t know what they don’t know.

Adoption Loss?

Adoption Grief?

Adoption Trauma?

Why does she sit around and cry about not having a momma?

Do the research on this bond being broken

It’s different than a father wound
God is my heavenly father.

Who is my heavenly mother?

I struggle with this daily

But it has made me an incredibly strong person

I raised myself with God along the way

I have done the best I could

With plenty of cloudy days

But TODAY I’m working on closing the door to

The past because it’s so dark and I don’t want to live there anymore.

It’s my choice you know?

But I needed my TRUTH FIRST

Because without it how do I know what to let GO?

How do I forgive with the truth hidden?

How do I give it to God if I don’t know what I’m giving?

TRUTH

TRUTH

TRUTH

It is CRITICAL!

Moving forward is impossible if I don’t know what I’m leaving behind.

How do I give God secrets and lies?

Please WORLD stop stalling my healing.

It’s only hurting ME & MY KIDS

Because it’s taken a lifetime to

FIGHT THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE

TO FIND MY TRUTH

AGAINST THE GRAIN

AGAINS CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS

AGAINST THE WORLD

WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND

IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD I NEED THE

TRUTH ABOUT WHO I AM!

I cannot fight my fellow adoptees fight

If I do I will be taken out with no hope in sight

I can walk along side of you and give you the

HOPE AND GLORY OF GOD

Because HE is who has carried me

THROUGH THIS FIGHT OF MY LIFE

I must admit, I’m tired of fighting.

I have part of my truth but I deserve it all

We all deserve our truth

Fighting the fight to find my truth

Has drained me and then LIFE?

It tries to knock you down anyway

 

So this fight…

Is it still worth fighting?

I’m ready to enjoy life and what it has to offer

I’ve forgiven my birth mother

I’ve gained sympathy for her

That decision she made 41 years ago

Created the biggest Fight of my Life

But today I have made the choice to

LET IT GO.

I have enough truth to be at a peaceful place

But acceptance is KEY

And praying to GOD

Because he’s the only one that can fill me with his Grace

I still have pain and this is my place to process

Grief & Loss sometimes overtakes me

BUT THAT’S OK

I will grieve my grief and losses

Cry loud and silent tears

But I want the rest of my life to be better than the first 41 years!

Grandkids will come in the future

I want to be a happy healthy grandma

And a better mom

So TODAY I have to wave the white flag

And thank God for bringing me this far

His beauty all around me

His sky was my baby blanket growing up

And still is.

Moving Forward

But I never want to forget my past

Because how else can I share what God has done for me?

FREEDOM AT LAST!

Laying down this fight, feeling worn, tattered and bruised

But my God is a God of RESTORATION

WALKING WITH HIM IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOSE!

God came in and is taking it all away

Healing my heart

Day by day

When you get sad and weary and it feels like the world is failing you

Remember God gives us the freedom to make all things NEW.

Leaving the past behind me

Waving Good-Bye

THE WHITE FLAG

I’ve traded a world full of lies

But make no mistake when you look into my eyes

I’m His Daughter and with me He is well pleased.

I refuse to keep my pain locked up any longer.

But today I release it to my

Heavenly Father

I can no longer fight this fight

I call it a truce

The Fight of My Life

I know Gods on my side

I will not lose!

It’s by God’s Grace I will contine to share my story.

This is just a piece of what my life feels like for the last 41 years as I struggle and a fight to find out my truth. It’s no rhyme or poem. It’s feelings I had to keep inside for 41 years. Without the truth I would never have been able to move forward to heal and make it to this place. “The Fight of my Life” is my truth as it is for many adoptees. I can only speak for myself but if you are an adoptee and can relate to feeling like you are fighting a battle all alone I promise you God is with you when it feels like the world is up against you. God has been with me this entire way, he’s never forgotten me and never forsaken me. He wants us to have our truth because HE IS TRUTH.

CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT- MY LIFE

Thanks for reading and never give up hope in finding our TRUTH & your FAMILIES! ❤

If you have no hope I have hope for you!

To my Pastor Marion Dalton- Thanks for helping me realize I was stuck in “Red Tape Living”. Through you God has opened my eyes to many things and I’m forever grateful for your teachings and lessons. Thank you isn’t enough! Just know if you happen to read this you have helped me more than you know.

I know I will always have pain attached to this grief, loss and trauma but through God I’m healing daily and moving forward living a sober life in recovery. I don’t have to drink today to process this pain but recovery isn’t for sissies and being adopted isn’t for sissies. God has let me know adoptees are some of the strongest people on the planet to be able to live through what we do and move forward. Thanks for reading.

Adoptees, Can you relate to this blog post? If so, please share how?

Love to ALL!

mystory

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Delivering the DNA Results with Grace

 

hope

Wow, hard to believe this is the next hurdle I will be experiencing.

It’s very emotional but I know God is with me!

It’s nerve wrecking considering what I have already experienced with my biological father and this adoptee journey!

The greatest part is that I have a new found cousin who I have connected with via DNA who is not only AMAZING but she is SO SUPPORTIVE of me through this journey. She seems to “Get it” and no one really gets it unless they are adopted, and she’s not adopted! I can’t help but KNOW God planted her in my life at the perfect time because I know I couldn’t do this alone. Thank you God for LINDA! Thank you LINDA for your help, support and new found friendship!  This is a really emotional journey for me as I know my fellow adoptees can relate.

So the story goes as I’m sure you read my last blog post. My birth father has always said, “What are we going to do, get a blood test 40 years later?” He knew nothing about me, lies and secrets prevented him from knowing so I don’t blame him for being skeptical all these years.

My new found cousin, Linda has showed me the ropes on all this. I have gotten a DNA test and it has linked me to his DNA and family line. He hasn’t had a DNA test done, but my DNA test has made DNA connections via 23andMe to his mother’s line, who is my biological grandmother. I don’t need HIS DNA to be linked to HIS DNA LINE. That’s the cool thing about DNA. There are so many ways to trace and confirm. There is no way I would share DNA with my distant cousin where our connection is our grandmothers are sisters, if J.J. (birth father) wasn’t my father. It wouldn’t be possible.

HE IS MY BIRTH FATHER

But he doesn’t know I am confirmed his daughter via DNA

Just YET…

whos_your_daddy_truck

My new found cousin suggested I contact the local Catholic Priest to see if he will collaborate a “meeting” with J.J. and his wife to present the DNA results. Yes, they are catholic. The last time I spoke to my birth fathers wife, she mentioned them wanting to get back involved in the Catholic Church and she wondered if I knew the dates J.J. was married to his previous wives. I shared with her I would try to obtain that information to help her out. So this has let me know they are Catholic and reaching out to the local Catholic Priest seems to be the best idea so far. Thank you again, Linda!

GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!

With HIM all things are possible.

I know there are people out there that might be saying, “Why would she go through all this heartache. Why can’t she just accept it and walk away?” Let me share that until you have walked in my shoes or another adoptees for that matter you really have no idea what loss, grief and trauma is involved in this journey. I can share there is nothing that can be done to me that hasn’t already been done. I have already been rejected by this man, but if there is a little chance that DNA will make a difference than I am willing to take that chance. You see, being adopted we are constantly putting ourselves out there all for a chance to be loved, accepted and for a chance at a relationship with those who were STOLEN from us. My adoption was an illegal one because I was adopted without his knowledge or consent. I don’t blame him for being skeptical. There is a HUGE chance I will be getting the door slammed in my face again, but at least at the end of my life when my story is all said and done I won’t be saying, “ I WISH, I WISH”. My wish will be “I TRIED”. Who is anyone to tell me I should just give up HOPE and WALK AWAY? I am not a weakling, and am not a sissy. I’m not walking away. I am going to PROVE I am J.J.’s ONLY DAUGTER if my life depends on it. The next few months are going to be pretty nerve wrecking and significant in my life. This is a huge step.

I would like to say to all the people who think I’m crazy or nuts and who think I should just walk away and accept this as my life

WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY FAITH? WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY HOPE?

WHO ARE YOU?

ENOUGH HAS BEEN TAKEN! I’M NOT LETTING ANYONE TAKE MY HOPE AND FAITH AWAY.

GOD IS LOVE

GOD IS HOPE

GOD IS FAITH

GOD IS TRUTH

Every sense I was a little girl I have fantasized and had visions of “These People” meaning my biological family. I have spent my entire LIFE fighting to PROVE I am SOMEBODY regardless of my birth parents decision in rejecting me. Today, I don’t need them to prove WHO I AM. I know who I am. I’m God’s daughter, and that is the most important thing to me. This does NOT change the fact that I still need to TRY to prove what is TRUTH when there have been so many lies in my story.

WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BRINGING DARKNESS TO LIGHT?

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to the light and made known to all” – Luke 8:17

I know secrets and lies are not from God, they are from the enemy.

My God is a God of TRUTH and the TRUTH means NOTHING HIDDEN.

In 2010 my biological aunt who is my birth mother’s sister is the one who came clean and told me “MY STORY” as she saw it. She shared that my birth father was married at the time of conception, and this was a big part why my birth mother chose adoption. I was able to put myself in my birth mothers shoes, and have some compassion for her and her decision. It brought me healing to know this “TRUTH”. I have written about it many times, and I always encourage my fellow adoptees to TRY to put yourself in “Her” shoes in attempts to feel what she felt and try to understand WHY she made the decision she did. This has helped me gain acceptance and forgive her.

Recently I have believed to uncover that it is a lie that my birth father was married at the time of my conception. I have had to dig and dig and to find out this TRUTH. I don’t understand why people don’t understand how important it is to adoptees THAT WE RECEIVE OUR TRUTH!! So now I don’t know the truth and for me, it’s an important and critical part of my healing because

IF I DON”T KNOW THE TRUTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM HEALING FROM!!!

I CAN’T HEAL FROM LIES AND HALF TRUTHS!

“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” Jeremiah 6:14

WHY ARE ADOPTEES FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT TO HEAL BY SIMPLY WANTING OUR TRUTH?

Where are all my Christian friends at during this topic? Where are all the people who simply believe in RIGHT & WRONG? Why aren’t more people taking a stand that ALL ADOPTED PEOPLE DESERVE WHAT’S RIGHTFULLY THEIRS, THEIR Original Birth Certificates & their TRUTH & ANSWERS and ALL OF THEM.

½ Truth + ½ Truth = A WHOLE LIE

So here you have it, at 41 years old adoption loss and grief is still very strong in my life, and will always be strong in my life because I am still fighting for my truth. When I find my truth there are thousands of other adoptees who do not have theirs. I will never sit down and be quiet about this until all adopted people all over the world have their truth. God has given me GRACE and I plan on using it.

As I have decided to take the advice to contact the Catholic Priest in Leon, IA where my birth father lives, I made a few calls and left a few messages for him to get back to me. Finally we caught up with one another. I explained who I am and what I was calling for. After sharing I desired his help to deliver the DNA results to my birth father, he asks some questions and told me it was very important that I’m able to answer these questions. He said it appears J.J. has some knots that are tangled up and he wants to try to untangle the knots so he can figure out the truth as to why J.J. would deny me. My point is that he denied me before, but now I have the DNA results that prove I am his daughter. So regardless of the past, and why he originally denied me is really irrelevant because now DNA proves that any reasons he believed I might not be his are not valid.

TRUTH IS TRUTH

“It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail” – 1 Corinthians 13:6

I could tell by the accent of Father Felix that he is of African descent which leads me to believe he’s African American. I can tell you he was extremely friendly and was very comforting in his words to me. He said, “Mam I want to help you but one thing I need to share is I don’t want you to feel rejected.” I said, “Thank you sir, but I have felt rejected my entire life. In this situation it’s hard to not feel that way” He said “I’m so sorry you feel that way but I hope I can help you untangle this knot and be prepared it might take some time”. I was gracious for him talking to me. He gave me his email and asked me to email him all the information I have about J.J. and his marriages, and my biological mother. He said when he goes he needs the armed with the facts and the DNA proof. I let him know I would email it to him in the near future and we would be in touch.

I can’t help but believe that GOD is in the center of this because when my birth father found out I had bi-racial children he gave me a few choice words about his opinion regarding me having kids by a “black man”. I let him know I didn’t need his acceptance of my kids or I and that isn’t what I was there for. It wasn’t pretty and I will just leave it at that. He said conflicting things during my 2nd and final visit ever seeing him, but in the end his tone came around where he had compassion and he was interested in meeting my kids. That topic is a whole different blog post in itself. But I have prayed that God just change his heart and his mind on how he feels regarding this matter. I am NOT taking my kids to meet this guy, not yet anyway.

So thinking that the local Catholic Priest is an African American man I believe with my entire heart that God is behind this meeting that is about to take place. How else do you explain that? The town of Leon, IA is population is 1900 and it’s a very small town with little to no diversity. And he is willing to set up a meeting with J.J. and present him with the DNA results. WOW. I just get chills thinking of it. If anyone can change J.J’s heart it’s GOD!

In the next 24 hours I will have my email compiled to Father Felix and I will email it off to him. And the wait will begin. Seems us adoptees live our lives waiting. Its torture but I know that if God is behind it, I have nothing to worry about. I feel like once the DNA TRUTH is presented I will know at the end of my life that I tried, and I did all I could do. I can tell you this journey has been an emotionally and mentally exhausting one. I listen to the song “Happy” by Pharrell and I wonder when I’m going to experience happiness like that. Not just on the outside but on the inside too. I want to move past this place in my life, but as you see I still have some loose ends God is guiding me to tie up.

Some might say, “What if you present him with the DNA and it changes nothing?”

I would say, at least I tried. At least now I know it’s not a DNA matter with J.J. but it’s more of a heart matter. If he’s presented with the DNA TRUTH and he still rejects me I will be much more able to accept that as the TRUTH than him never knowing I’m his only living daughter and him never knowing I’m really his or not. He rejects me again, he has to live with that and he has to answer for that. My job is over.

See where the fight has come in at? I’m so sick of fighting and I’m NOT going to stop until I receive all my truth! Why would I give up now? Why would I let the devil have his way by discouraging me and taking my HOPE away? Why would I accept something when the truth hasn’t been presented yet? Once the TRUTH (DNA) is presented and nothing changes and ALL J.J.s family is made aware of the DNA results then I will be at a place where I am able to accept the truth because now there are no secrets.

I’m forever thankful for all my blog readers who are supporting me and who are on this journey with me. I couldn’t do it without God, my close friends and family that support me, my amazing new found cousin, Linda and those who I have a special place for tucked away in my heart of hearts- ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES WHO GET IT!

mystory

If secrets and lies weren’t the ROOT of my life and where it all began I wouldn’t be uncovering the TRUTH at 41 years old.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MIGHT BE!

I will be sure to update you all on the outcome.

Thanks for reading and send me a word of encouragement if you have one!

PRAY FOR ME & I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TOO!

 With God all things are possible.

If you need prayers send me an email and I would be happy to pray for you! If you can relate to my story at all, please leave me a message.

2016-01-10 18.04.25

The Value of a Memory

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory” – Dr. Suess 

The holidays have passed and I’m thankful they are over. I feel like 2015 was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life which means 2016 is probably going to be OUTSTANDING!

I can only hope and I’m expecting nothing LESS! It’s nice to have a new year to start over with new things, but I would like to think I have that chance every single day, because I do. We all do. But there is something about turning over a YEAR to a NEW YEAR that is fascinating to everyone.

New hopes, new dreams, new goals, new memories to be made, with hopefully some new and old people.

NEW BEGINNINGS.

That’s exciting, right? Or at least it should be.

What happens when you don’t have the memories like most people do? What happens when there are no memories? What happens when you have a few memories and look forward to making up for lost memories but that is shattered with lies being uncovered for TRUTH. There is no future for some memories. What happens when you see other people gloat over their memories with loved ones, and you have nothing to gloat over?  Do they realize how much a memory means? Just one memory is EVERYTHING to some of us, yet others have years and years of memories, yet they are mourning because someone is gone, yet they have all the memories to remember them by?

How do I mourn over someone when I have many memories with them? At least I have the memories to cherish. At least I have something to hold onto. Yet I’m supposed to cry invisible silent dry tears for those who I didn’t get any memories with? Or wait, my right to cry dry invisible tears for my first family was taken from me, because I spent 38 years being told I should be thankful, grateful and I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

For me a memory is everything. Having memories that are nonexistent have made me cherish the memories that do exist, and it’s helped me to learn that TIME makes MEMORIES and some TIMES we are denied TIME with those who should be the closest to us.

It’s hard to see people mourn about the loss of loved ones when at least they have MEMORIES with them. Some of us don’t get that and we aren’t allowed to mourn the loss. Let me just say, today and for the rest of my life I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my losses and mourn for all the lost memories that never will be and all the time that was stolen never to return. Crying over memories that don’t even exist?

YES! That’s right! I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my loss of memories that will never exist. Since no one else in the world would allow me this right, I’m giving it to myself. I have a right to mourn the loss of never having one Sunday dinner with my grandparents. I have the right to mourn the loss of never having a generational picture of my birth mother, and her mother and her mother. I have the right to grieve the loss that I will never have a memory of having my grandmother teach me her favorite recipes, or having special talks about life and love.  I’m giving myself the right to mourn the memory of spending one mothers day with my birth mother or a fathers day with my birth father. I mourn the loss of never having a memory to celebrate one single birthday in my life with my birth parents, the 2 who created me. I have a lot of mourning to do.

I cherish the memories I have with people because to me, in the end that’s all that matters.

There is nothing more valuable on the earth to me than time, and memories. There really is nothing of monetary value in this world that excites me. I could have the biggest most expensive house, car and watch and clothes, or the least of all those things and still feel the same way. None of it makes me happy.

Memories with those I love make me happy. Memories with those close to me makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Pictures that are a reminder of memories make me happy. Sharing feelings and thoughts make me happy. Talks make me happy. Sunrises and sunsets make me happy. Spending TIME makes me happy. There is nothing of monetary value that makes me as happy as time which makes memories. Another thing that makes me happy is when people share feelings about me, us or life. Life talks make memories.

I saw a quote once, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”- Author Unknown

Adoptees are left with no treasures. 

So much lost in adoption, but the memories has been hard for me to just “GET OVER”. But I have learned NOTHING in ADOPTION is something we can just GET OVER. We have to process things, so here I am processing.

At least with so much LOST never to return, I DO KNOW THE TRUE VALUE OF TIME AND MEMORIES. Holidays are always a reminder there will never be a holiday with my birth mother or birth father or biological grandparents. Not one memory exists and it never will.  If you have even ONE memory with your FAMILY even when you fight, carry on and can’t stand one another remember some of us never get even one memory with our biological parents, or biological grandparents.

The memory bank is zero. 

This is why I know the TRUE Value of a MEMORY. 

Yes people can say, “Oh, so and so is like family”. Nice thought but it’s not the same. I love you for hoping it is, but until you experience it you can’t compare.

Today I remain thankful for my kids, my church family, my far away adoptive and biological family I have relationships with. I hold you all close to my heart.

For my adoptee family, I love you all! I know you get it! 

I can say learning the true value of time and memories has helped me in many ways. I’m content with the simple things in life. I don’t need fancy things. I love simplicity and “things” don’t make me happy. I would say that’s a pretty good quality to have. My kids say I’m cheap, they make fun of me for being frugal. But I say why buy something at the mall for 3x as much money when I can buy it at Goodwill for $4 and it all brings me the same amount of happiness? Why shop at the mall when yard sales are much more exciting?

So you see, the value of a memory has pros and cons. TODAY I will focus on the PRO’S because focusing on the CON’S doesn’t bring me happiness.

Time and memories bring me happiness.

For those who have memories with loved ones, never underestimate the value of time and a memory. We can’t take the rest with us. Some of us aren’t so fortunate to have something so many take for granted.

Are you an adoptee and have a special value for time and memories? What about pictures? Am I the only adoptee who feels this way? Have you allowed yourself the right to grieve over the loss of so many memories you will never have that so many others take for granted?

Allow yourself to grieve and mourn what will never be. What was lost never to return. You have every right to grieve over the family and memories you lost. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. And remember, time does NOT heal all wounds. Grieving your losses in healthy ways, sharing feelings and acknowledging your feelings allowing yourself the right to grieve heals your wounds. It does take time, but it’s not going to go away by letting time pass and not addressing these things.

Yes, I’m in my feelings but that’s OK!

Join our all adoptee group for Grief, Loss & Trauma by sending me a message. The only way to join is invite only, I would be happy to invite you!

Thanks for reading.

P.Karanova.

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Dear Birth Mother

Dear Arlene,

I have so much to say and figured I would write a letter to release some of the things on my mind and in my heart. Writing has been a major healing tool in my recovery journey.

So much floods my mind on what to say and how to say it. I guess I really wanted to write because it’s a few days before my birthday and I always get really sad around this time, thinking of you and the events that happened that day. As soon as August hits, it overwhelms me like a tsunami of emotions. Truthfully, I wish it would just go away. It has an impact on my life, and it’s not in a positive way. I was thinking if I wrote you a letter it might help. I can only try.

My feelings have been hurt for years about you not keeping your word when you promised me you would write me, and send me pictures. I waited for over 20 years and you never sent them. Every time I checked the mail, another disappointment. You lied. I’ve done a lot of research on mothers who have given their babies up for adoption, as a way to try to understand you better. I think I’ve learned quite a bit of things. I read “The Girls That Went Away” and it helped me understand the loss that some of the mothers felt after they were forced to give their babies up. My heart aches for them.

I guess the picture I painted of you when I was growing up is that “You loved me so much”, because that’s what I was always told. Your actions have proven me otherwise. I always believed growing up you would want a relationship with me, and want me in your life. After all if you loved me so much, why would you not want me in your life? I had such high hopes for our relationship and I always wanted to have a relationship with you. After I found you, 21 years ago and met you one time I learned that the picture I had painted of you based on what I was told by my adoptive mother, wasn’t the real picture at all. I’m not sure any adoptee would be able to expect their biological mother shutting them out after meeting just one time, because I’m still trying to figure out how someone prepares for that? I always blamed myself. The wound from being separated from you began the moment I was born, and over the years it got deeper and deeper. After I found you and you shut me out, (rejected me) it only felt like a deep gaping hole in my heart that caused me the biggest amount of heartache I could have ever imagined. How does a mother reject their own child? I have been heartbroken my entire life, and you left this world with no explanation as to WHY?!

You never did tell me why you couldn’t have a relationship with me. But I have asked other first mothers, and I’ve done research to try to understand. Some say you weren’t rejecting me, but you were rejecting the pain of relinquishment. Looking at the big picture, I know you were an alcoholic and at your funeral people told me they never saw you without a drink in your hand, even during your pregnancies. I believe alcohol took away your pain from relinquishment, as a temporary fix. I believe you never recovered from the shame you felt from being pregnant with me. I asked you who my birth father was, and you lied to me telling me he was dead, he didn’t know about me and he wouldn’t want too. Well… You were right about him not knowing about me and him not wanting to, but he wasn’t dead. Your lie stalled me from finding and knowing my biological brother by over 20 years. If you would have told me the truth, I would have seen my nieces be born. I wouldn’t have missed so many holidays away from MY family! You keeping me a secret from everyone, so you wouldn’t have to face the fact that you had an affair with a married man who was a friend of the family. Shame on you for your actions, but I believe you thought you were doing the right thing. I believe you thought I would have a better life, keeping my truth hidden, and pretending like I never was born, like your mistake never happened.

Well let me just tell you, I can’t judge you for your actions because if I’m honest I’m no different than you.  We all make mistakes. But I’m at a place seeking healing for my life. I’m seeking clarity, and understanding from all around the board regarding how I came into this world, and where I came from. You pretending I didn’t exist only harmed me even more than being separated from you at the beginning of life. I know in the 70’s things were different. But I needed to know my truth. I needed to know where I came from, and you kept the truth from me to protect yourself from your shame filled actions. Do you know that in order to heal, I needed my truth?

When you died, and I sat at your funeral I wasn’t listed in your obituary. Do you have any idea how much pain that caused me? I really don’t think you care, because you died a hurting woman. After asking to go visit your house, so I could see how you lived, and what your house looked like I gained some closure and a better understanding of what your last days on earth were like. I was told you shut everyone out, even your other daughter. You shut your friends out, even neighbors who came to check on you. Your house was filthy, and dust was an inch thick and it looked like everything in your house was from a scene from a 1970’s movie, which was when I was relinquished. I got the most eerie feeling when I was there. I truly believe your life never was happy after you relinquished me. Nothing changed. It was dark in your house. The drapes and couch were very dark, and a pattern from the 70’s and you died in 2010. I went upstairs to see your room, and again everything was like a scene from the 70’s. Being able to see this brought me some understanding that you indeed were a hurting woman. You died all alone, an alcoholic and with COPD as a long time smoker. It hurt my heart that you would rather die that way, than have me in your life… But it also tells me that’s how great your pain was. It was greater than you feeling like you could allow me in your life. It has made me sad for you.

I know you didn’t know Jesus, even when they mentioned him at your funeral. I know if I grew up in your home, I wouldn’t know Jesus either. That is the only reason I can say I’m thankful I was given up for adoption. I need to be real about that.. That’s a pretty important reason! I wish I could have lead you to the lord, so I would know you were in heaven but unfortunately that didn’t happen.  I think of you and I think of a sad, bitter, angry hurting woman. I think of someone that didn’t have any tools to heal her hurt, and I think of someone that died an alcoholic. The way you were inspired me to be better than that. I didn’t want to die an alcoholic and all alone. I wanted to be a happy healthy mom, for my kids and my future grandkids. I don’t want to be anything like you.

August 12, 2012 I quit drinking. After I found out you were an alcoholic, and then I found my birth father and he was an alcoholic I knew drinking wasn’t for me. I was upset at you for many years for lying to me about my birth father. I’m thankful your sister gave me his information 2 months before she passed away. If she wouldn’t have I never would have found my brother.  I drive to Jimmie’s door (my birth fathers) and he remembered you. He acknowledged the affair you all had in 1973, while he was married to Charlotte. He expressed never knowing you were pregnant or anything about you having me and giving me up for adoption. Do you realize you stole his rights at being a father? I’m his only daughter, and because he didn’t know anything about me he won’t accept me as his daughter! This has made me very angry over the years. Who do you think you are to play with people’s lives like this? Everyone on the planet deserves to know where they come from. It was so not fair for you to lie to him, and keep the pregnancy a secret to protect yourself from your irresponsible actions being exposed. You thought about yourself, not me.  You will never know how that has impacted me in my life. Never knowing who I look like or where I come from has been very traumatic for me and it’s been an entire lifetime. No one has ever understood my pain until I have recently connected with hundreds of adoptees who get it. I have always wished you choose abortion, and if anyone walked in my shoes even one day, they might wish the same thing. I’m working on being thankful for my life, but it’s really hard when you are brought into the world under such shame and secrecy, and the WORLD just expects you to be thankful for losing an entire family.

All I ever wanted was you. I didn’t want anything of material value, only you. I wanted to sit and talk to you and get to know you. I wanted to see what things you liked, and to spend time with you. I hear other people talk about their mothers, and the memories they have with them before they pass away and I get resentful because at least they have the memories. Then I hear people talk of the heirlooms they are passed from their mothers, grandmothers, etc. I get resentful because I wonder if they really valued those things. Being adopted you are robbed of all that. I could care less about the heirlooms; it’s the lost time and memories I have an extremely hard time with.  I was robbed of the memoires, and there is nothing on this earth I can do to get them back. If only everyone knew how valuable a memory was, they might be more thankful for them.

I’m sorry you died all alone. If you would have let me in your life, I would have taken care of you. This hurt my heart deeply that you would rather die all alone, than have me in your life. For years I felt like I did something wrong, but I learned later that your shame is why you turned me away. When my adoptive parents divorced when I was one, and you found out about it after we met I was told by your best friend that it devastated you and you were extremely upset because if that was going to happen, you would have raised me in a single parent household like my adoptive mother did. I am sure that hurt you, because you were promised I would have a better life. I remember after you found this out, you never spoke to me again. I guess it might have hurt you that bad? When you asked about my life growing up, and how it was I was honest with you. I told you the truth and I believe it was hard for you to grasp. I think it was easier for you to shut me out, than to face the fact that the BETTER LIFE you were promised wasn’t better at all. Only different. I think this broke your heart, and it was easier for you to close the door on us ever having a relationship, and continue to drink alcohol to numb your pain, (oh boy do I know all about that!) and continue on with your life like I never existed.

You see, I can honestly say I can understand that the pain was too great for you. But I will never understand how a mother rejects their own child. I dreamed of knowing you my entire life. They lied to me and told me you LOVED ME SO MUCH! That was a lie. You didn’t love me. You wanted to forget all about me. You never wanted a relationship with me. Not all mothers love their babies, and that is the TRUTH! I hear people (especially adoptive parents) speak for birth mothers all the time, “She loved you so much, her decision was such a selfless decision, and she always has you in her heart!”… NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE CAN SPEAK FOR ALL BIRTH MOTHERS! NOT ALL BIRTH MOTHERS LOVED THEIR BABIES! This was the lie that I believed my whole life, and that LIE caused me the most heartache ever. Her actions showed me the truth. I will never forget the lies in adoption. Such deception and manipulation and all for a family to be able to have a happy healthy baby with a clean slate. All at the cost of every single memory I would have had with my biological family. You see, why am I so mad the memories are gone when reality is YOU didn’t want me in your life anyway? Its heartbreak either way for me.

The reality is I never could accept anything when I didn’t know my truth. It took me 20+ years to find my truth, and I had to do it all on my own with no help and no support. Every single milestone of reunion I embraced solo, and every heartache I kept to myself. The reunion navigation is a VERY EMOTIONAL TIME. I’m still sending messages to “BIO” family members only for them to ignore me, and reject me because they had no idea I existed. I’m still facing rejection after all these years.

What this experience has left me is the fact that even when you didn’t plan me, I believe with my whole heart God did. I’m still trying to figure out WHY? And certain times when I’m at my low points, I get angry with God because if he knew I was going to be in this much pain, WHY AM I EVEN HERE? Then I remember, adoption of the world today isn’t the ADOPTION GOD SPOKE ABOUT IN THE BIBLE. MY PAIN IS FROM THE SECRETS AND LIES IN ADOPTION AND I KNOW SECRETS AND LIES AREN’T FROM GOD. GOD IS A GOD OF TRUTH SO I KNOW IT’S NOT HIS FAULT. IT’S THOSE WHO SUPPORT THE SECRETS AND LIES IN ADOPTIONS FAULT. Anytime a human beings identity is falsified, and names are changed, and birth certificates are changed, and a new born baby or a child is considered a blank slate, then deception kicks in and it’s nothing close to adoption as God intended it. I will never believe God intended for my heart to be broken my entire life, wondering and searching for my people! I have found everyone but the WORLD (Closed adoption Industry) still refuses to give me my original birth certificate.

So you see birth mother, you are long gone but the realities of my adoption experience impact my life in every way imaginable. I wish it was over that day you walked out of the hospital and forgot all about me. But the truth is, it’s stayed with me throughout my entire life.

Let me tell you I have done everything in my power to heal from this experience. I stopped drinking  August 12, 2012. So the pain was flooding in, the realities and the FOG lifted and my TRUTH became more real than ever. This was my first step in recovering from my adoption experience. Alcohol or drugs doesn’t do ANYTHING but prolong our healing and distort the truth. Now that I see my truth CLEARLY I can accept it, and move forward with healing. I started writing and sharing my adoptee feelings in 2011, before I ever stopped drinking. I was writing from a place of anger, and really deep hurt so my writing was very angry. Over the last 3 years, I’ve started a ministry called Celebrate Recovery, where I have been able to put every single issue I have out on the table and one of the main things I prayed for was GRACE. I needed God’s grace, to come into my life so my anger could turn to something positive. God has given me that grace.

I am working on healing the way I feel about my dreaded birthday. Today is August 9, 2015. I will be 41 in a few days, and I really want to just be at a peaceful place with this day but all I think about is the loss associated with that day. The loss no one recognizes unless they are adopted.

I’ve been working hard at accepting that no matter how I came into this world, God was the ultimate planner of me being here. I WANT TO ACCEPT I’M HERE BECAUSE HE HAS A PLAN AND PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. If I’m honest, my blog and being able to reach out to other adoptees is enough for me. My fellow adoptees make all my adoptee pain worth it. My kids give me a reason to be here, so I am trying to trust and believe God has a plan for my life.

Writing you has helped me release some things I needed you to know. I’ve written for years and I’ve written you 2 letters in the past, and they were both very emotional for me. This one not so much. I believe I’m accepting things for what they are. But the last part I need to share is that GOD has been my ultimate healer regarding my adoption experience. That doesn’t mean I will ever STOP SHARING MY PAIN! We all deserve to be heard, and just because I have the most hurt I have ever experienced from being adopted, and I’m working through my pain doesn’t mean I won’t continue to share my feelings. Do you realize I have never been able to release these feelings until recently? That’s 41 years of feeling the way society expected me to feel and it’s sure known in adoption that if you don’t have a “Happy Bubbly” story it’s just not welcome, or you are being negative, or better yet, “You just had a bad adoption experience!” Yeah I would say anytime a child is separated from their ROOTS & DNA it calls for a “bad experience” especially when the WORLD won’t allow us to grieve our loss. They make us feel like something is wrong with US for feeling the way we do. It’s a total and complete mind f–k to be adopted. I’m so serious about this!

I have figured out why this “Mother Wound” has been so extra deep for me. Mainly because of you handing me over to strangers to be raised. And the stranger you passed me to wasn’t capable of being a mother. I really have never had a mother. I was too busy taking care of “her”, and it scared me for life. But it’s easier to accept God as my heavenly father, and he takes the place of my earthly father. I can accept this. But I will say my adoptive dad was an amazing man. He was always great to me, so my “Father Wound” was never as big as my “Mother Wound”. It’s hard for me to replace my “Mother Wound” with God for some reason. I believe a mother sets the foundations for bonding and trust and so many other areas, and without a mother or with the mother bond being destroyed, as a person we miss so much. I’ve been left to figure it out alone and I think I do pretty well considering I didn’t have the mother I deserve. I have prayed about becoming a better mother to my kids than what I had, and I know I haven’t been perfect but I know I have tried my best with all I know how. It has been hard considering I never had a mother example or closeness with a mother ever in my life. It makes me sad. There is no one to go to or talk to like I should be able to. I’m turning to God more and more, but nothing in the world can replace our mother. I just wish you understood that before you decided to give me up.

So now, I have written you and told you how I feel. Your decision has impacted me every single day of my life, and I want you to know I’m working towards healing. I’ve accepted what I can’t change, and God has healed my broken heart. The thing I’m working on now is this “birth” day and the dark sadness that comes with that day. Let’s face it; the day I was born was not a happy day. I can think it was happy for you, because you got rid of your problem, but I know deep down you had to be sad that day.  It’s a major day of loss and sadness for me.  I look forward to the day I can be free from the sadness. I believe it will always be to an extent, but I have FAITH AND BELIEVE that the closer I get with God, the more he will heal all areas of my life. I know that no area is off limits when it comes to him & this is where I get my hope from.

I have always loved you, even when you didn’t love me. I would have given anything for a relationship with you, but now I will embrace my spiritual mothers God has put in my life. They don’t kick me to the curb or throw me away like you did. I refuse to believe there is something wrong with me, because God loves me just as I am, not as I should be. Too bad you couldn’t do the same. Your loss.

Signing Off,

Pamela,

<3The Daughter You Threw Away, But God Rescued Me & I’m Here To Stay.

p.s. I chose the term “Birth Mother” because she never gave me more than being the woman that gave birth to me. If we would have had a relationship, I might have chosen something different. First Mother, or Biological Mother, etc. To each his own on how we refer to the women that gave us life. I would love to just call her “Mother”. But she rejected that so “Birth Mother” it is…

Fear of the Unknown & Random Adoptee Feelings

I decided to write today because I have a lot coming up and a lot on my mind. This is my safe place, so here I am. No one can tell me how to feel here, and no one can interrupt me. No one can silence me by throwing scriptures at me. It’s a great feeling to have this safe place! All adoptees need a safe place!

My “Birth” day is in 6 days. My Sobriety “Birth” day is in 5 days. My Testimony at Celebrate Recovery is in 13 days. My mind is racing and the devil is doing a number on me because he doesn’t want to see me make it to my 3 year sobriety. He doesn’t want me to make it to give my testimony, and he loves to see me in total sadness about my “birth” day.  It’s just ridiculous but I do have hope that if God can heal my broken heart he can heal the way I feel about my birthday! I’m just not there yet!

I still have to write about how God healed my broken heart from my adoption experience, and what the tools were that worked from me. I am going to write about it soon! I promise. It’s good stuff!

What I am realizing that there is more to it, than just my broken heart. I have always struggled with my birthday. I know my fellow adoptees get it. Putting on a smile for the world, when the deep pain and sadness has to be hidden to make other’s feel comfortable. I’ve decided I’m going to try to do something nice for myself each day until it passes. Like go buy a slurpie from the gas station, and take a ride with the sunroof open. Or go for a walk by myself. Go to a few yard sales, or shop at Goodwill. (yes I said it. I am frugal, I’m not ashamed!) Maybe even go to a few coffee shops, or for a walk in a park. Whatever makes me feel better about the day I lost everything.

If you are an adoptee and you struggle with your birthday please leave me a comment, so non adoptees don’t think I’m crazy or just being negative please?

Honestly, why do I even care about what others think? I thought I was going to stop doing that! I guess I’ve been so conditioned to “feel” a certain way about being adopted, that when I share my TRUTH it still seems surreal to be able to do it, not just with my fellow adoptees but with everyone.  I’m working hard at not caring what others think, and just share my truth.

My truth is as soon as August approaches I start to get really sad, down and disconnected with everything around me. My birthday is a very painful day for me, so are the weeks that approach it. If I could just “get over it” I would. Don’t you think I would rather be happy on that day? Do you think if I could just make that choice, I would? I feel like there is some unfinished business of healing in that area that I need to do, because usually that’s why we stay in pain. Unfinished deep healing of wounds from our past. I know God heals and I know he will heal me also! I look forward to the day where I can write as I CELEBRATE the DAY I WAS BORN!

What I think of during the days that lead to my birthday is what my birth mother went through at that time. How she felt. What happened the day I was born? Was she sad that day? Was she happy to get it over with and move on with her life? Did she ever hold me? Did she name me? What was the atmosphere in the room like that day? Was she at peace with her decision? As my mind races with these thoughts, it consumes my mind August 1st-Aug 13th. By August 14th I’m better, and I don’t think much about that day for 11 more months. It’s definitely a cycle, because it’s done this every year my entire life. I used to drink, and of course that numbed the reality of the pain I was facing. Soon I will reach 3 years sobriety, and the pain has never been more real.

I like to think of adoptees as “Special Needs”. I can speak for myself on that, because I am definitely a special needs person. Working through my 2nd step study in Celebrate Recovery I’ve discovered more deep rooted issues regarding my adoption experience. The fact that anything in the “UNKNOWN” realm is something I don’t take well AT ALL!!!  UNKNOWN is uncertainty, and I have lived almost all of my years on this earth not knowing what is going on about MY LIFE!!!! PEOPLE chose for me, and NOW that I’m able to choose for myself I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. AT ALL TIMES. I have to plan everything to a tee, and if I don’t I get fearful and it’s not a good place for me to be. This is all rooted in fear, and I know where it comes from. I know hundreds of adoptees who have the same issues.  So when I plan it leads to confirmation, of what’s next. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen. I know where I’m going and when I need to be there. I’m on schedule, I’m on task, I’m not late, and I know where I need to be at all times.

What does the UNKNOWN feel like? What does UNCERTANTY feel like? Well it takes me back to my childhood when I felt like I was an alien on this planet, not knowing where to turn or where to go. It takes me to searching for my biological family everywhere I went but never knowing who they were or where they were. It takes me to the lies people told me to benefit themselves. There are lots of lies and secrets in this adoption thing, and that is certain. The UNKNOWN takes me to a state of fear I don’t want to be in.

I took a trip this past week. I realized it was going to be harder than expected because I had to release ALL CONTROL to God and everything about the trip was uncertain, and unknown. I took it as a challenge, for me to be able to take this trip, and I tried to look at it as a way for me to get closer to God, and for me to release my control to him and just know that he was going to take care of everything. It was very difficult for me to do this. I know this isn’t only a struggle for adoptees, but for people in general. But I speak from an adoptees standpoint. It was extremely difficult but I made it! Adapting to my surroundings and nothing was familiar surrounded me with everything being uncertain, or unknown.  IT WAS HARD!

I’m a very simple person. I don’t need fancy things to make me happy. I’m not into material things. I love simplicity. I love nature, being outside, the sun rises and the sunsets & the sky. I could be as happy in an efficiency apartment as I would be in a huge 5 bedroom house filled with material things. Things don’t float my boat. I’m more of a time person, because in this adoption thing so much time has been lost, never to return. Time spent and memories made and pictures to prove it are things I hold close to my heart.

As I venture through the next 2 weeks of my life, and overcome the challenges that come my way (as they always do in August) I’m very sensitive with people leaving me at this particular time. I say “Leaving Me”, yet they might just be going away for a few days. With my birth mother “Leaving Me” at this time 41 years ago, I find people leaving a trigger, so I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from everyone I can. I’m safer that way.  It would be nice if someone understood this, but so far the only people that get it are my fellow adoptees, and God. I know he gets it. I know this is another part of my “Special Needs”.  I can’t expect anyone to really understand, unless they have been through it.

As for celebrating my sobriety “birth “day which falls the day before my legal birthday it’s pretty difficult for me. The birthday pain overpowers the joy of the sobriety birthday and I’m holding onto hope that this will change. I WISH I COULD ERASE THE DAY I WAS BORN. To me, this seems like it would solve everything.. But I can’t. I know in my heart of hearts, God planned me to be here so I’m here. I’m stuck. I can’t go back unless he says it’s my time. I can’t wait for that time by the way, no more adoptee pain.

For now, I will share my feelings here, and let all the other adoptees know that healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Using alcohol to numb my pain for 25+ years only delayed my healing. In order to truly heal, I had to fight kicking and screaming to gain my TRUTH (it’s hard when the world is lying to you!) and once that happened, I decided alcohol wasn’t going to help me heal so I had to make the choice to let it go. But you see finding my TRUTH I found out both my birth parents were alcoholics, and this was a major eye opener for me to want to make the change for myself and for my kids. It was the best decision I ever made, BUT dealing with the aftermath of lies, secrets, and trauma that is ignored in adoption it’s taken me years to get to a point where I can share my feelings, and not be scared of what people will think.

If my blog can help one adoptee, it’s worth it. Writing is healing to me. Sharing my feelings is healing to me. Knowing other adoptees understand and I’m not alone is healing to me. If you have made it this far, thanks for being a part of my “Adoptee In Recovery” journey!

Next: I’m going to write a letter to my birth mother. I want to let her know a few things, and to share what’s on my heart a week before my birthday. I will share it in my next blog post. Ta Ta for now.

To my fellow adoptees, never give up HOPE in finding your TRUTH!!!! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee

@freesimplyme

http://www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s (and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then?  Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed.  My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain.  Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed.  Sharing is healing.

ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!

Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!

Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain.  This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share.  Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. (Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society.  My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life. 

No one tells me how I should feel here.

They have told me how to feel my entire life.

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so.  I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay.  Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil.  Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited

 

Lexington, KY

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Pamela Karanova: Welcoming the REAL TRUE ME!

I’m coming out of the anonymous ADOPTEE CLOSET!

Yesterday was a BIG day for me!

For those that don’t know, I’ve always blogged under an Alias. My reason is because I have never wanted to hurt my adoptive family, or biological family’s feelings by sharing my truth.

Let’s just face the facts. Growing up in a closed adoption is everything  but normal!

I’ve been working through my second step study in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I’m very involved in. Through this ministry God has moved mountains in my life! I’ve been able to work through some deep rooted things I thought I was going to take to my grave. But God had other plans for me. I don’t know what I would do without my step study sisters! They are amazing and they have helped me so much.

By working through these “things” I’ve been given a new confidence about myself. I’ve been given more of God’s grace to work through my issues. I’ve been able to feel strong enough that I don’t have to hide behind an alias anymore. This is a PRETTY FREEING FEELING!

Ever since I’ve been sharing my adoptee feelings, I’ve basically been living a double life. “Pamela Jones” was the adult adoptee, hurt, broken, angry, and very wounded from her adoptee experience. Pamela is my adoptive first name. Jones was the “Pen Name” I chose. I picked Jones because it was my biological father’s last name. His rights were stolen in the 70’s and my birth mother signed me over, without his consent. I have always had a strong disliking for my adoptive last name, it just never fit me. It actually despised it. It linked me to a whole lot of pain growing up. As I chose “Jones” to write under, it had a nice ring to it. It was my TRUE last name, but there is one problem. My birth father never accepted me as his so why would I really want his last name? It worked for 3 years. I hid behind it for 3 years. I made a lot of adult adoptee friends behind “Pamela Jones”, hundreds to be exact. I created an anonymous online name for myself, and it was a way of protecting my true self from those who might not agree with me. It was a way to hide behind my TRUTH. I had many adoptive and biological parents lash out at me for creating “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” so the “Pen Name” protected me from a lot of things. The most important to me, it protected my adoptive parents, specifically my adoptive dad whom I adore from every finding out how I truly feel. I have never wanted to break his heart.

I woke up a few days ago, realizing that if I desire TRUTH in adoption for all adoptees, I owe myself, my fellow adoptees, and the WORLD to know who I truly am! No more hiding. No more secrets. No more being scared of what those close to me will think. This has been a huge decision for me. But without God and his grace, I never would have been able to make this decision. His Grace, has brought a whole new perspective to my life. I believe Pamela Jones was there for me to process my anger, rage, and really deep raw feelings. I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT because you CAN’T HEAL unless you do. I don’t want to erase Pamela Jones. She was part of my life. She helped me get through some really deep dark times. All you have to do is look over the last 3 years of blog posts. You will read heartache after heartache in my writings. But if I could tell my fellow adoptees one thing, it’s going THROUGH the pain, CAN AND WILL bring you freedom. But we have to go through the pain.

As I write to my blog readers and the world today, I’m here to share my REAL TRUE identity. I’m here to tell you where I REALLY live. I’m here to invite you all to join me in the next level of my adoptee healing, and recovery journey. The one to FREEDOM. One of my favorite quotes is:

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!”.

WOW WOW WOW! To all my fellow adoptees reading this, WE MADE IT! WE SURVIVED! How amazing is that in itself!

My true identity is “Pamela Karanova”. On my 40th Birthday I made the decision to legally change my last name. The name I was given at birth- I hated it! It was nothing personal against the family who gave me the name but it never fit me. It tied me to the city and town I grew up in, where I have so many bad memories. I just didn’t want the name anymore. So I prayed and asked God to help me come up with a new last name. I wanted it to be unique and pretty, just for me!

He gave me the verses, Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”

The word “PURE” stood out.

Then he gave me the verse. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!”

The word “NEW” stood out.

I looked up the meanings to “Pure” & “New” and “K A R A N O V A “ was born!

I wanted to make sure no one else had the name, or it wasn’t common so I Googled it, and didn’t find much at all aside from “Kara Nova” who happens to be a “Pole Dancer”. LOL

This change and the new name has a very BIG significant meaning to me. Not only in my adoptee world and journey, but in my Christian journey as well. Today I’m not the person I used to be. God has recreated me to be the person HE intends for me to be and I believe the new name is a symbol of the NEW ME.

My fellow adoptees can relate to the name change in the adoptee aspect. I feel so much was taken and stolen, lost never to be found again. PEOPLE made this choice for me. They erased my history! I had no choice! They gave me a new “fake” name & a new “fake” birth certificate! PEOPLE of the world have even tried to control how I feel about it, “JUST BE THANKFUL” using the WORD as a weapon to silence me from sharing my feelings. Sorry, but Christians are the worst! (Yes, I’m a Christian!) God has given me the grace to be able to use the WORD right back at them! Praise HIM!

The old me couldn’t have a conversation about adoption without getting angry, and wanting to scream or cry or throw something. Because people just don’t seem to “Get It” unless they are adopted. My fellow adoptees, my saving graces have taught me to stand up for myself, and God has taught me to do it with his grace. This has allowed me to feel like I’m in a confident place to be able to do this on my own, without hiding behind a “PEN NAME!”

So here I am. WAVING HELLO to the world! Sharing not only my real true feelings, but the REAL TRUE ME! So long to Pamela Jones. So long Pamela (____)

HELLO PAMELA KARANOVA!

From now on I will use my real name in my online adoptee world. I will sign my blog posts with my real information. I want all adoptees all over the world to reach out to me because only WE know HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED!

I have had to understand, that the WORLD has no idea how we feel or what we go through being adopted, and all the heartache that goes along with it. But my fellow adoptees get it. We have to be there to lift one another up, in times of crisis, and when we reach our all time lows, and they do come!

As for the few adoptive or biological family I am in fear of offending, I’m sorry in advance. If you find my blog, you find my true feelings. The feelings I’ve had to hide my entire life. One thing I can say is they are real. Living a lie wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t talked about in the 1970’s, but it’s talked about now. I think of the small handful of you all that might get offended compared to the HUNDREDS of adoptees I am in contact with that I have relationships with, and I KNOW I can help them by sharing they aren’t alone. Sorry, but my fellow adoptees are the reason God put me on earth. To help them break out of a lifetime of silence, and provide them with one person who GETS IT, who UNDERSTANDS, who LOVES THEM and doesn’t judge them anyway. While I navigate this journey in breaking out of hiding behind a pen name, I will be praying you all understand why I’ve had to do this. If I don’t do this, I have no purpose on this earth. That’s truly how I feel. I can’t worry about how other people respond to my decision, family or not. This is what God has called me to do, and I am going to spend the rest of my life reaching out to my fellow adoptees and sharing with them what God has done in my life, because he can do the same for them.

Living this double life has been painful. It started the moment I was forced to make a split between the REAL me, when I was born, and the NEW ME, when my adoptive parents erased the REAL ME, and falsified everything. As I’ve grown up into a woman who can chose for myself I’ve grown into the person God intended for me to be. It’s neither of the people from my past. So I’m no longer going to live the double life. I was forced to growing up, and have always felt like I had to protect others in my adoptive and biological families, but today I am living for God, and for myself, and my kids, and my fellow adoptees. No more double life.

I’m no longer hiding! Yay!

Signing off as PAMELA KARANOVA, Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

You can reach me at: pamelakaranova@gmail.com ßFellow Adoptees, add me to your Facebook by this email!

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing.  When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

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This picture speaks to me…

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself.  My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas.  God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?

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This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

@pamelakaranova

www.adopteeinrecovery.com

Away, but still processing…

I haven’t written in awhile…

My adoptee emotions have still been going crazy, and I really am doing everything just to make it through another day. No one gets it, no one understands but my fellow adoptees. Many of us share some feelings and it takes everything in us to just make it through it. I find myself retreating away from this “world” because it’s so much to handle on top of LIFE itself.

I’m a Christian, and I live every day trying to be more like Jesus. I’m by far not perfect and I have many flaws! I spend my spare time watching Todd White videos. I LOVE TODD WHITE! If you aren’t familiar you should look him up on YouTube. He’s amazing! I want to learn from him. I have a reading disorder and it’s super hard for me to remember what I read, and retain it (TODD HAS THE SAME THING!) but when I watch or listen to audio it’s easier for me. Todd has a way with words, straight to the point so I listen to him as a way to gain hope and understanding of LIFE & what it’s like to walk like Jesus.

I had a melt down about a week ago. It was actually in front of 2 of my kids. I had a small piece written about me that was uploaded at adoption.com and even when it was a GOOD THING it sent me into some emotional havoc that I wasn’t expecting. Let me share the link to the article. Then I will share my feelings associated with WHY I had a light weight melt down.

http://adoption.com/adoptee-recovery/

Going my entire life hiding my TRUE feelings to protect those around me, and well…. I was simply groomed that my heartache didn’t matter, but being thankful was in order for losing my first family. So for me to be at a place in life where a journalist was willing to invest in me, and write something on my behalf, and share it with the world.. IT’S A PRETTY BIG DEAL! Yes, it’s small… But it’s all about me. I believe this to be one of the most awesome things I’ve experienced since I’ve come out of the fog regarding my adoption journey.

You may ask, “Why would this be so emotional?”. Do you realize that I had to keep this a secret, hidden from my adoptive parents? Of course my biological parents aren’t in my life but I was deeply saddened that something so close to my heart had to be kept secret for fear of hurting their feelings! Being adopted, we are born into a situation where we are put in the middle, worrying about everyone elses feelings and never being able to share our own. FINALLY I’m able to share my feelings, and they are recognized by a major adoption website, yet I can’t share it with my “Parents”.

I wonder if they saw it how they would feel? I wonder if they would make it about them and their feelings? Would their feelings be hurt? Would they be even a little happy for me? Would they be upset with me?

The truth is, I will never know because I have to keep this “world” private from them. Just because I’m adopted I’m automatically placed into a situation where I’m torn in the middle. Torn in the middle of what? My adoptive family, my biological family & my true self. I wish I could say I fit in with everyone but the best place I feel like I fit in is with my “Family of Choice” , my children & with my newly found biological brother and his family, and of course by myself. What is my Family of Choice? My church family. You have no idea how special they are to me. They’ve bridged the gap between me feeling like I’m all alone on an island & feeling like I belong somewhere. Every day I thank God for what I have, but that doesn’t change what was lost.

I find that retreating away from this “world” gives me time to breathe and process things. I’ve learned to find that balance between this world, and my real world. Isn’t it crazy how we have to live a double life? WOW! It just amazes me sometimes. Shush… We have to keep our feelings a secret for fear of hurting others! Every day I wake up I’m thankful for my truth, as hard as it was to learn it. As disappointed as I was to learn that all I was told my whole life was a lie, and my birth parents really didn’t love me at least now I know the truth. They never did love me. Now, I have trust issues based on being lied to, and It’s next to impossible for me to believe anyone loves me. Thank GOD I’m in Celebrate Recovery working on my issues because I know God has more planned for me in my time on earth!

I know the more I share, the more I speak, the more I’m inspiring someone else to do the same. Writing is SO HEALING for me. I want to start writing more regarding my LIFE in general, in regards to my recovery, and my kids, family and such and tie it in with my adoptee journey. Most of you read and notice there is so much hurt here, but it’s necessary for me to identify the hurt, in order to move forward to heal. Healing is my goal, and I trust GOD so I believe I’m right where I need to be.

Being adopted isn’t for sissies and being in recovery isn’t for sissies. This makes me one strong cookie!!!! (POW)

I love you ALL and thanks for reading my blog!

More to come later! Time to prep for snow storm #2!

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?

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If we can’t learn from one another, what good is our existence? We understand their are adoptive parents and others who truly want to try to understand us better. As a way to assist them on learning how it feels to be adopted, I decided to ask one question to generate some responses.  Why are so many adoptees angry or hurt by their adoption experiences? These responses have been kept anonymous for confidentiality reasons. Each person that participated knew their response was going to be posted on a blog and shared with the world.

To my fellow adoptees, thank you for sharing such a personal piece of your hearts to help others understand us better. If we don’t who will? Also, remember you are never alone. The way you are feeling is natural for a not natural situation. Much love from me to you!<3

I asked one simple question, “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?”

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100 adoptees chimed in.

Here are their responses.

  • Lack of identity. Lack of origin. Adoption being about our adoptive parent’s pain which eclipses our own. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling helpless. Bullying. Discrimination. Systematic discrimination. Legal discrimination. Being forced to lead someone else’s life and not my own. Searching for an identity in all we know. Having to identify with painful back stories of pop culture icons who’s worlds have been destroyed (superman, Mr. Spock, starlord, the punisher the list goes on). Feeling like your life is a movie because we’ve been introduced as a supplemental character in our own story with no history. Having to grow up too fast. Being told we’re lucky. Being asked about our ‘real’ parents. Being looked at like an alien. Being told there’s a reason for our suffering without being told the reason. Feeling worthless because nobody values OUR needs. Feeling like there’s no end in sight. An inability to believe in ourselves because we believe there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Having to constantly wonder if the people you may know on Facebook are somehow related. Feeling the same feeling when walking down the street. Having to wonder when starting a new relationship whether or not they’re your sibling or cousin. Never being able to feel 100% comfortable in said relationship because of that. Feeling like love is someone leaving you. Never finishing anything because of a lack of closure.
  • There are SO many reasons, I probably can’t list them all in one go. But the things that come to mind are:
  • My own FAMILY gave me away to strangers.
  • My own grandmother lied to and coerced my mother so that she felt she had no other choice, and all because my grandmother cared more about what the neighbors thought than she cared about my mother or me.
  • The government colluded with my grandmother to ensure that my mother wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone unsupervised by my grandmother, so she had no opportunity to discuss or truly discover what SHE wanted.
  • Even though the government KNEW full well that my father wanted to raise me even if my mother didn’t, they told him he had no rights to me, and gave me to strangers when they COULD EASILY have allowed me to be kept within my own family.
  • The government TOLD my adoptive parents that they shouldn’t tell us we were adopted, that we never need know, AND told them that even if we did know, that if they were good parents, we’d never wonder about our pasts.
    The government LIED to me when I tried to get information.
  • The manager of the government’s post adoption registry LIED to me, and acted like he was god by flaunting all the information that he had about me that he wasn’t going to share with me.
  • Some members of my adoptive family always treated me like an outsider.
  • I never fit into my adoptive family. I’m not like the rest of them – even the ones who have been nice to me.
  • All the other kids at school knew I was adopted, and would tell me that their parents had said that my real mother didn’t love me and didn’t want me.
  • Other people have always acted like THEY know better, and have told me how I should feel, and what I should or should not do.
  • Other people gave me search advice that I wish I hadn’t taken, because my mother DIED before I found her, and if I’d just called around, I’d have found her before that.
  • Other people told me what to call my natural family, and I wish I hadn’t felt obligated to listen, because it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
  • People do not allow us to grieve. Try telling someone your mother died and hearing “It’s just as well.” or “You’re over reacting. You didn’t even know her.”
  • I’m angry because my right to grieve was stolen along with my history. If I was allowed to grieve and share my feelings as a child I may not be as angry as an adult. Unfortunately I’m just now grieving my losses… And yes, ANGER is a stage of that grief.
  • I’m angry because I was told a lie most of my life by my adoptive parents. Why are we raised to tell the truth and not lie but adoption lies are okay? Lying is not okay. I would rather know my hard core history [My truth] than be lied to my entire life by those who are supposed to love me the most.
  • Could it be we have not been allowed to grieve our loss? From our birth mother. In Grieving anger is one of the stages in grief. People have not allowed us to share our loss and validate loss. People dismissed our loss as important.
  • I personally am angry because I was not told I was adopted until I was in my 30s and it’s very disempowering, plus quite a shock to find out at that age.
  • I’m angry because I grew up feeling completely out of place and have ALWAYS wondered about where I came from, and here I am- a grown adult who is STILL being denied that knowledge by other people. I am angry because I have had to put myself (and private information) out there for the world to see for only a tiny CHANCE of finding my biological identity. I am angry because I have feelings that get poo-pooed by other people who have never been in my shoes. I am angry because I am being treated like a perpetual child. Like I’m not “allowed” to want to know and that I don’t deserve to know and most of the people with those thoughts get to know exactly where THEY came from!
  • I’m angry because I’m in my 50s and still not allowed access to my own birth certificate – even though I found all of my family member’s years ago. I’m angry that there is still a lack of support for family preservation in favor of adoption. I’m angry that having more money allows certain adopters to pull wanted children away from their families. I’m angry that so many childless people that claim to care about children really only want to get themselves a baby and not actually help older children in foster care or even just vulnerable families in their own community. I’m angry that whenever adoptees attempt to speak their truth and call for changes in the system they are silenced, called “ungrateful” and “angry” and told they just had a “bad experience.” I’m angry that the industry is pulling in thousands of dollars at the expense of vulnerable children. I will continue to be “angry” in order to try to affect change for today’s children and those yet unborn.
  • I’m angry because everyone expected me to forget my first family & expected me to be thankful for the biggest loss of my life. An entire family.
  • I’m angry because of my adoptive parent’s gain I lost a lifetime of memories that can’t be replace with my biological family members.
  • I’m angry because I was taken away from my country, my culture and my native language. Not only that but I was lied to which was pretty stupid as I was transracially adopted! My name was taken away from me I was taken away from me and I was renamed if they had used my Chinese name as a middle name that would have been fine but I wasn’t even afforded that option. What makes me even more angry is I see 21st century white adoptive parents making exactly the same “mistakes” or decisions as my unenlightened 60s adoptive parents did. At least they had an excuse ideas about culture and identity had yet to be formed etc. But today what’s the excuse there is none.
  • I’m not angry. I’m hurt. I’m hurt that my birth Mother thinks the system failed her. I’m hurt that my natural citizenship from Canada was taken away from me. I’m hurt that I was taken away from my birth father. I’m hurt that I was discarded both as a baby and as an adult after reunion… I’m hurt that my birth mother cares more about what others think than how I feel. I’m not angry please don’t mistake hurt for anger.
  • I’m angry because I’ve found and been reunited w. Both birth parents but the state of Iowa continues to keep my birth records sealed. Why am I unable to get my information? There is no reason behind this. I want MY OBC!
  • I’m angry because if we feel any negativity towards being taken from our roots, our heritage, our FAMILIES, it’s seen as anger and dismissed. Why can’t we just be sad that we have lost so, so much?….so mostly I am sad, but I am very, very angry that the government decided I would be better off with a married couple without any other support than my loving single mother who was capable of raising me herself, yet had a HUGE extended family. I’m angry that no checks were done, other than to check their marriage cert. That certificate didn’t take away the dysfunction and abuse in the marriage.
  • It gets me angry that I fucking don’t know the beginning of my own life! How am I supposed to live a life when I don’t know how it started!
  • I am angry that we are made to feel ashamed if we express anger because we should be grateful. That our anger is seen as unjustified and that we must have some mental health problem if we are so angry; rather than a normal reaction to a tragedy.
  • I am an angry adoptee because not only was I given up for adoption, but so were my 4 siblings, thankfully I did find them all.
  • Well, I have struggled with anger my entire life. I am a 48 year old adoptee and my Adoptive Father was also an adoptee. We BOTH had/have anger issues. It stems from fear of abandonment, I believe. Anger can creep up at the strangest places. I call these “triggers.” Because we have experienced abandonment at birth, we may not remember it, but it is imprinted on our psyche and we carry that with us our entire lives. Our brains are also hard wired around this event. I also believe that we somehow intuitively know that we do not want to be abandoned ever again and so we will do everything humanly possible to avoid anything we perceive as abandonment.
  • I have read tons of books on the subject of adoption and its effects on the adoptee and this is the conclusion I have come to for today. Our brains are not fully developed at birth. When we babies are taken away from our birth mother, we immediately go into fight or flight mode. Our brains at this age are not able to regulate and handle all the stress that we are experiencing and our systems become overloaded with cortisol and it actually changes how the pathways in our brand-new brains are wired. As a result, I also believe that experiencing this at birth tells us that we are not worthy, capable, entitled, to basic necessities and comforts in life.
  • Anger is also a mask for other emotions that we “believe” we cannot or are not allowed to feel for fear of abandonment. I “can” become angry whenever I am feeling sadness, fear, loneliness, STRESS, being left out, (This is a HUGE, HUGE trigger for me…) or many other feelings. If I stop and think, “What is the underlying emotion that I am feeling right now” or “What is causing me to feel anger right now?,” I can most times avert the anger and deal with what I am really feeling – not always though. Asking for help is another HUGE trigger for me simply because I have three teenaged children who do not always want to help out at home. I f I am having a low energy day and cannot follow through with asking for what I NEED help with, I often become angry. I become angry when I am overwhelmed. The thoughts in my head also tell me incorrect ideas that lead me to believe: I cannot ask for help – for fear of abandonment. I am learning to overcome this, thankfully, after many, many years of hard work. My thoughts also tell me that I cannot do nice things for myself because 1. I cannot afford it, 2. I do not have time, 3. My chores are not done. Etc., Etc., Etc. I also have a VERY bad habit of reading into the thoughts and feelings of others. I f these people do not read my mind and act the way I “Need” then to, I become angry.
  • I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man who is patient and kind. I STILL, to this day, become very angry over silly little things – all because I do not communicate my needs, feelings or wants (in a healthy way) AND I am able to provide myself adequate “Down time” on a consistent basis due to fear of abandonment. Here is one example. My husband is a hunter and every year he plans two hunting trips. Every year we talk and put the trips on the calendar. Every year I become angry at him during this time for several reasons: 1. He is preoccupied with planning for and packing for the trip. (I feel left out) 2. I have not planned a “Get away” for myself in YEARS! (This makes me feel guilty and sad and worn out etc., etc.)
  • In a nutshell, I think we adult adoptees have hidden triggers that creep up in several predictable and sometimes unpredictable places in our lives. These triggers cause us to feel anger because we are covering up emotions that we do not feel we should feel for fear of abandonment.
  • The bottom line is that we had no voice & no choice. It left most of us feeling disenfranchised. It affects every aspect of our lives & our sense of self-worth.
  • It’s as though we were just thrown away to be bought & sold to fulfill someone else’s needs, rather than ours. Even as adults we have to fight to gain any knowledge of our own personal health & family history, our nationality & religious backgrounds, much less to know if we have biological relatives, & to claim our own birth certificates. To get anywhere on our searches costs money & we have to face the potential for rejection from both our adoptive & biological families for doing it.
  • People who were raised in their own family of origin get to take all of that for granted.
  • I’m angry because I don’t have the basic right to be who I am and I have a law that prevents me most of my life from talking to my own mother and father, while strangers who were married took me because they wanted to and because adoption is a form of slavery and child trafficking.
  • Ambiguous grief. Why can’t you be grateful? Most adoptees are.
  • Coercion. *No one* offered to help my first mother raise me. So much for helping “widows and orphans”
  • Hijacking holy writ for personal or financial gain. Interesting that “orphans and widows” are more often than not mentioned together in sacred text, implying vulnerable mothers and children. I remember one important man turning over some tables, or something, with the money changers.
  • Hijacked identity. Give me my OBC.
  • Decades lost with my siblings that wouldn’t have been without closed adoption.
  • I’m angry that the state feels I’m incapable of knowing who my biological parents are, that the adoption industry is profiting by human trafficking and that so many adoptive parents are so insecure that they are threatened by us wanting to know our truths.
  • I’m an angry person … Not sure what it is .. I think people expect you to be thankful, to a certain degree, yes I am but they forget the impact that adoption has on people… All adoptees have issues growing up
  • I am not angry…. I am at loss because I cannot live up to the expectations of the family who adopted me and I can’t go backwards into my biological family because they also had/have certain expectations … who am I
  • I am not angry I am hurt. I grew up in complete filth. I was abandoned at the hospital when I was born.
  • My adoptive mother was in and out of psych wards by whole life and my adoptive father was Satan in disguise.I had no upbringing. I searched not for wants for my health I was told by my adoptive mother I would not be able to walk when I hit my thirties and at 34 I lost some vision and live with extreme muscle pain.
  • I have a hard time because at 78 my birth mother and I am 36 what is the problem….
  • I am angry because I sound desperate. I almost feel like a person begging for food.
  • Am I wrong because I want to know where I come from?
  • Am I wrong because for once I want to feel like I belong?
  • I am more desperate now than ever I wonder all the time looking at my 17 and 14 year old. R they ok. I cry secretly because I wish I could be a better mom like I used to be without these health issues.
  • Anger is a part of the grief & loss process. No one told me I could grieve my losses growing up, so I’m doing it now. I’m 62.
  • Every day is a struggle. I just want to know. I will not burden my birth mother. I would never blame or yell I just want answers a right to know.
  • Because anger gives me energy to handle all the hurts, if I were to just feel my sadness I would fall into a depression. A bit of anger helps me keep my head above water to fight for adoptions laws to change for adoptions to be open, ethical and more support services. I work in adoptions because I am angry with people not doing adoptions correctly and I want to be a part of the solution and help change, influence those around me. I am angry because I did not get a say, my loss was and still not validated. I still don’t get a say. Reunion 24 years. Adoptive parents died 20 years ago; yet I cannot unadopt myself. I cannot legally be my mother’s daughter or my father’s daughter. This makes me angry that I do not have the same self-determination than non-adoptees.
  • Sometimes I have no idea why I am angry, self-worth and abandonment seem to be at the center of the feelings that do not always make sense.
  • Angry because we are told how we should feel, but our own feelings are not validated, even in our own families.
  • What causes me anger as an adoptee was having to hold back my feelings as a child, and of course still now as an adult, with my adoptive parents in order to protect their feelings, as if theirs were the only ones that mattered, and they certainly made it loud and clear that theirs mattered more than mine when it came to wanting to search for my birth mom and asking too many questions about her because they made it very clear from the get-go that they would be very hurt if I searched for her (which I did anyway in secret and found her as an adult)…..I am also angry that the adoptees voices count for nothing, even when they get older, even though it is their fate that is decided by others, and then if we as adoptees want to search, we often have to pay for our own records or in order to search for our birthparents. I am angry that adoptees are now being denied passports; I would have been one of them due to how my birth certificate was filed had I not already had a passport prior to 2011 when they changed the criteria. I am angry that the stark truth is coated with sugar to make everyone feel better when all it does is suppress a lot of feelings in everyone that fester and come out in other ways. I am angry that adoptive parents are told and believe and preach that they can and have loved the adoptee like their own. They have loved to the best of their ability, some of them, but it will never be the same as their own biological child, and everyone knows that somewhere deep inside. We as adoptees were most of their second choices after they tried and failed at having a biological child of their own. We were their second choice and we will always feel second best through the rest of our lives for everything. And at the same time we were their savior, saving them from childlessness which is a huge burden to place on a child, and they do place a lot on our shoulders. I am angry that so many people think we as adoptees should be grateful because our adoptive parents saved us so we should shut our mouths to any gripes we have about them and be eternally thankful towards them. I am angry that I never felt like I fit in and that I had a huge identity crisis my entire life until I found my birthparents to confirm what I did internally know about myself so that I felt explained and I felt like I understood why I was the way I am so I didn’t feel so out of place, I finally feel accepted and finally know why I was drawn to all I was drawn to, why I react to things as I do and where my talents and interests and values and quirks come from. I am angry that I have to live a double life as a 37 year old to hide from my adoptive parents that I have found my birth mom to protect their feelings because it’s all about them (which as a parent of my own biological child, it should never be that way imho)…….
  • I’m angry that when I say these things I get told I just had a bad adoption, angry that adoption truth is hidden along with my identity and family. The most sacred bond of family is destroyed by adoption, cruel and barbaric, extreme, insanity; imagine preventing family association, absolutely disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I’m angry because the government says I have no right to know who I am or where I came from….that the 14th amendment doesn’t apply to me.
  • I’m angry because I’m expected to be grateful for losing my mother. Non adoptees take so much for granted and are not willing to understand our loss and our grief. If one more fucking person tells me I’m lucky I’m about ready to give them an earful. I had to disguise my grief so as not to upset my adopters. I’m angry that I was given to people old enough to be my grandparents who thought a shed was an appropriate home. They didn’t legally adopt me till I was 16 and they kept that a secret, although all my ‘friends’ knew. I’m angry that I don’t belong with either my adoptive or birth families. They’re aliens to me. I didn’t search till it was too late. My mother was dead. I delayed because I didn’t want to hurt my adopters! My male adopter (wouldn’t dignify him with the title father) was an abusive drunk. They were totally insensitive to my feelings. They never talked about my adoption… Well there wasn’t one when I was growing up. They were totally clueless that I was seriously depressed. I hate them and I hate my birth relatives. They too are totally insensitive. My cousin showed me a ring of my mothers, never thinking that I’m her daughter and it should be mine. Why am I angry???? Sheesh!
  • I think frustrated is a better descriptor than angry. Frustrated and over being silenced, lied to and treated like wayward children.
  • I’m angry because I’ve never seen my own birth certificate.
  • I’m angry because I was lied to for 34 years. I didn’t discover I was adopted until I was an adult when my birth mother found me. The “better” family I went to was emotionally and physically abusive. I’m angry that I missed knowing my biological family for so long. Birth mom searched for ten years before finding me. Numerous relatives including birth father died during that time. Health history that would have been very valuable (and thus avoiding several tests I “needed” based on adoptive family history) to me. I’m angry because no one supported my mother in raising me instead of making me out to be a shameful secret. I’m angry that my adoptive family denied my mental health issues when they would have been addressed openly in my bio family (all my siblings have some kind of issue that the family deals with openly and honestly). I’m angry that my birth mom didn’t make the cake at my wedding. I’m angry that we have missed so many important days together.
  • I’m not angry as much as hurt. I believe I was discarded and sold (that’s the way adoption agency’s work)I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family and as a result I feel like I can’t speak the truth to my bio-family as to how I was raised, bottom line I don’t think anyone has ever loved me, wanted me, cared about me without ulterior motive. I’ve been alone my whole life. I’m hurt because I people use words like we know what’s best for you, and that’s a lie they know what’s best for them or what they want. And now I lie-to my adopted family, that it’s ok that I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and I lie to my bio-family that I had a childhood(I’m trying to protect them) The truth is I was born alone and will probably die alone and everybody will say they did their best.
  • I was told as a 9 year old when my ‘adoption issues’ first presented, that adoption had nothing to do with any of my issues. A lock step of denial that adoption had any ill effects at all was the party line in my AP’s house after that. My adoptive mother abused and neglected me and my adoptive father did nothing to stop it. Yes I have anger at the adoption industry that continues to profit.
  • I’m angry because I’m in-between two females being my mother yet when I met ones family they all say I look like them and to top it off I can’t have my obc adoptive parents know what lady it is and her last name but will not tell me . I’ve been lied to abused and I’m down right sick of the lies.
  • I’m angry because my birth fathers rights were stripped. In the 1970’s things were much different, but it’s still happening today! This makes me angry. I missed out on a lifetime with him, and my sibling. This can’t be undone, or replaced.
  • I’m angry, because the government does not deem me worthy of having my original birth certificate. Even my dogs have their original birth certificates; I, however, am not allowed to. I would NOT change anything about my life insofar as being adopted, my adopted parents – who were the best parents anyone could have ever have — the only thing I ask for is be treated with respect as a human being – I have the right to know who I am, where I come from and who I come from and my ancestry – I don’t think that’s asking too much.
  • My parents adopted me, and then treated me like shit. People always ask me “Why did they adopt you?” It’s the million dollar question. The closest I could come to was that I was a lemon for them and they had buyer’s remorse. For some reason I still hung on, from the fringes and it wasn’t until I read this page that it occurred to me that I could simply let go and just walk away from the pain of being an outcast in my adoptive immediate family. I haven’t yet let go, and maybe I won’t but it really sucks to feel like you were rejected twice and still feel a connection to people who for all insensitive purposes…don’t want me. It does give me some measure of comfort that at some point, should I chose to I can decide to divorce my family and just be me, not defined by them and all that I endured as their “Mistake”.
  • I’m angry that my adopted Mother was so desperate for a child that she ignored the wishes of my natural Mother. I know she knew. I’m angry that my natural Grandmother was a coward who sent the Doctor in to pull me away. I’m angry at my natural Grandfather who said he’d throw my mom out on the street if she kept me. I’m a angry that there was no advocate for her and me and that it wasn’t anyone her family. I’m angry at the pain she went through, enough to experience the feeling of not wanting to be because I love her.
  • I’m angry because I was robbed of my culture and heritage, and I’m not a transracial adoptee. I was adopted to a couple who were not good parents – they were extreme narcissists who demanded a culture of denial. I figured out early that it was my job to meet their needs (not the other way around).  They allowed a grandfather to sexually abuse me, and although they knew it was going on, they kept that man as a member of the family. Just another indignity an 8 year old had to endure to keep the peace. I was verbally ridiculed and minimized, and physically abused. I kept quiet until I was in my 50s. Now old family friends don’t want to believe it and want to cast me as an ungrateful adoptee. Ungrateful for what??
  • I’d like to add that I don’t thank my biomother for giving me life. I don’t know why this is part of the social myth of adoption. Either have us and keep us or don’t have us, but don’t have us and give us away, and try to claim some moral high ground. Being abandoned and left to strangers creates deep wounds that last a lifetime, and are passed to the next generation. Many times I considered suicide, after all, my history, culture, and identity were killed, what part of me is left?
  • This is the anger talking, which comes from the deep well of hurt we carry. We may be fortunate enough to find our strength and self esteem, but we often don’t feel valued by the world, so our self-worth sucks. I am angry that we have to work so hard to overcome adoption in order to survive and thrive. I’m angry that many of us can’t.
  • I’m angry because a social worker shut down my search when I was 15 by telling me that my biomother probably wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her. Forty years later, I searched again, only to find both parents dead.
  • I’m angry because the loneliness and genetic confusion of adoption is passed down to the next generation when our kids don’t know who their true ancestors are unless we undertake a financially and emotionally costly search that is fraught with obstacles, rejection, and ignorant “experts”.
  • I’m angry because the non-adoption community is so bloody ignorant, yet full of self-righteous opinions. I’m angry because adoption is child trafficking pure and simple, and has become glamorized by Hollywood and the powerful – so that adoptees don’t have a voice.
  • I’m now in my 50s. I am still angry (that’s not the right word – I’m furious, enraged, deeply saddened, distraught) about being given away. My adoption was miserable. I felt disconnected, filled with self-loathing, inferior. I was told I was special, but how could I be special when inside I felt dirty and bad. My adoptive mother was abusive and completely dominated my adoptive father. Looking back, I think she was probably a narcissistic personality – she wanted children because it was part of her perfect package, but couldn’t accept my sister and I for the people we were. I wasn’t their child, I wasn’t what they wanted. I was their last resort. The other week, I suddenly burst into tears in public, at the thought that my birth mother had abandoned me in a children’s home at four weeks old. I’ve never done that before. I suppose that was grief showing itself – and I’m scared that so much grief is still inside me. Unlike many adoptees, I found my birth parents. And for me, this was the twist in the tail. Both my birth parents are self-absorbed and irresponsible. Much to my disbelief, I discovered that my birth mother had the choice to keep me – a former boyfriend who still cared about her, wanted to marry her and raise me as his own child. But she chose not to, telling me it wouldn’t have been right because she didn’t love him. A year later, she went ahead and married him anyway. And on top of that, when I met her, she used me to try to re-establish contact with my birth father. I understand that losing a child to adoption caused her irreparable pain. But I have no words to describe what I’ve lived with throughout my life, and what that discovery did to me – the self-doubt, the hatred, the isolation blew up almost out of control. Adoption is destruction. Ties are broken and can’t be fixed. A baby’s development, emotional and mental, is radically altered by the adoption experience. Why, when so many ‘minority’ groups can have a voice in society, are the voices of adoptees still smothered? I detest the hypocrisy that human life is sacred – if we truly believed that, adoption as it is now would no longer exist. Don’t have a child and give it away. Keep it, or don’t go through with the pregnancy.
  • I have said I choose who is my family. The thing about that is, they don’t feel the same about you. People always treat their blood differently. They care about them more. They will do more for them. On top of that I ended up in a family I don’t mesh with. I struggle to socialize with them. I don’t know how. My parents love me as their own, the extended family doesn’t. I also feel I have a right to know who I am. I am stuck in this never ending identity crisis.
  • You really hit the nail on the head. I am angry that the court, which symbolizes justice, approved and arranged for me to live out my life as a secret (it was a closed adoption) even from myself. I am angry that I normalized being a secret to the point that I was willing to participate in other relationships where I was required to be a secret. I couldn’t see the selfishness and the lack of respect these people were showing me. Like a child I still believed I was still being protected by being kept a secret! I am also angry about being a receptacle for the shame, resentment, and disappointment both my mothers feel about their own actions. Lastly I am angry about how non-adopted people responded when I searched. Eventually I experienced a secondary rejection from my birthmother. People asked about the well-being of both sets of parents at this time. Some expressed sorrow and compassion for my birthmother who rejected me. Others praised my adoptive parents for their patience and support. No one asked me how I was doing or how I felt about being rejected again. When I tried to voice my feelings someone said, “Hey, this isn’t a competition you know.”
  • Angry; because since my older sister turned 17 and decided to seek out our biological mom, my adopted mother believes that she is a victim.. in some cases, she may be, but that didn’t give her the right to treat me any different because I wanted to know where I came from. Now it is years later; and I do NOT even talk to my biological family, none of them. In my adopted families eyes; I am now an adult and on my own which I agree with, but please, let the past go. No matter what decision I made, It was “MY” decision.  Some information for anyone thinking about adopting; NOT everyone will want to meet their biological’s, but if they do, don’t hold it against them; or think they do not love you.
  • I was having a bad day and finally I journaled and what I am most angry about and hurt about adoption is why I could not be loved? What was so difficult about loving a child? I was never told. My life in a lot of ways “mirrors” yours. I too am angry that the government or anyone else who helped keep me a “secret”. I do love my adoptive parents and always will. (They both passed 3 years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was mistreated finally made sense. I don’t know what it’s like to have that “unconditional” love. I was always looking to be a part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was told “NO”. I have no contact with my siblings. Everything was always in my “head”. I was also raised in the military. My biological father was KIA before I was born. So many lies & secrets. I always used to feel like I wasn’t good enough. “It’s my fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of triggers. I need to start talking about how adoption hurt me and how many times I have been wounded. How the hell am I going to make it through this? I have my faith back, even more so and even though I have my struggles. It’s not half as bad as what I went through. There is just so much I don’t understand right now and for my sanity, I WANT FU*&IN answers damn it!! I do understand and no matter how hard I search I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some and when I did see myself and some “prominent” features in a picture it floored me because I was so unprepared. I called back “home” wanting to talk to my sister and I told my other sister that I’m pretty sure my dad confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because how could I not trust my gut instinct? I’m learning to trust now, but those abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling a part of a family. I’m scared shitless though and because I have made mistakes before domestic violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I f’ing know why the f*&k people would question me when I told them I was Hispanic. My whole f’ing life I’ve been checking the “Hispanic” block because although raised military my “parents” were Hispanic. I have dark hair, so now I check the “Other” block. This would have been easier when I was younger, maybe. I have gone a long time being a secret and a lie. One day at a time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My ANGER comes from the abuse, lies, cover ups, feeling like the reason why I could not be truly loved was my fault. I’m able to give love, by the grace of God. I can always feel when I see a child if they are hurting. I have children and they loved their grandparents a lot and are close to my siblings. This is another journey I feel I’m taking on my own. – Adult Adoptee
  • I was having a bad day today and finally I journaled and what I am Most Angry About and Hurt is Why Could I not be Loved? What was so difficult about Loving a Child? I was Never Told. My Life in a lot of ways “Mirrors ” Yours. I too am Angry at the Government or anyone else who helped keep me a ” Secret”. I do Love my Adopted Parents and I always will ( They both passed away three years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now Understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was Mistreated finally Made Sense. I Don’t know what it’s like to have that ” Unconditional ” Love, I was always looking to be part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was Told “No”. I have no Contact with My Siblings. Everything was Always in my ” Head”. I was also raised in the Military. My bio Father was KIA before I was Born. So Many Lies, So Many Secrets. I Always used to feel like I wasn’t Good Enough. I was Abused too. I have to fight that old Recorder that tells me ” I am Not Good Enough”, ” It’s My Fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their Behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of Triggers. I need to start talking about how Adoption hurt me and how many times I have been Wounded thinking, ” How The Hell Am I Going To Make Through This ?” I have my Faith Back, even more so and even though I have my struggles, It’s not half as bad as What I Went Through. There is just so Much I don’t Understand right now, And For My Sanity……. I want Fuckin Answers Damn It!!!! So, I do Understand and no matter How Hard I Search, I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some, and when You do see Your Self and some ” Prominent” Features in A Picture, It Floors You because I was so unprepared. I called back ” Home” wanting to talk to my sister, and I told My other Sister that I am Pretty Sure My Dad Confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because How could I Not Trust My Guy Instinct. I am Learning to trust it now, but Those Abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling part of A Family. I am Scared Shitless Though and because I have Made Mistakes before Domestic Violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I Fucking Know Why the Fuck People would question Me when I told them I was ” Hispanic”. My Whole Fuckin Life I have been Checking the ” Hispanic ” block because Although raised Military, My ” Parents ” were  Hispanic. I have Dark hair. So now I Check ” Other”. This shit would of been Easier when 100% I was Younger ( Maybe).I have gone A Long Time being A ” Secret” and A Lie”. One Day At A Time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My Anger Comes From The Abuse, The Lies, The Cover ups, Feeling like The reason why I could not be truly loved was because it was My Fault. I am able to give Love ( by the grace of God) and I can Always feel when I see a Child if they are hurting. I have Children and They Loved their Grandparents A lot and are close to My Sibs. This is Another Journey that I feel like I am Taking on My Own. Thanks For Posting These. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I agree with the statements above.Loneliness, stigma, trauma, abuse, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders, sleep hyper vigilance, distrust from others, nature, nurture and the environment and being rejected by everyone, mocked at and humiliated for being different.People around either neglect or despise the facts, call me boring and are totally insensitive and never listen to an adoptee’s reasons. The Primal wound, that is, the separation from mother is a disintegration of the self and no one cares about us.We are faced with terror and abuse and no one cares because usually (I wasn’t even adopted, I think ,I was stolen from my mother dying from hunger and depression),.It’s a life of lies and lots of repressed rage which we are forbidden to express. adding to this I was hated by my adoptive family.It’s very hard to survive after all that.Nothing seem credible, long lasting or possible.It’ s torture and only through an immense amount of self-sacrifices (tragic sacrifices, self-victimization, etc) did I survive? – Adult Adoptee
  •  I am angry because when I was in my 20’s and was talking about some feelings concerning my adoption my adoptive mother replied: “I would have thought that you were over that by now”. When I was 25 and lost my job and therefore couldn’t pay my rent I came back to their home, the only place I had to go and my father said that I couldn’t stay because my adoptive mother couldn’t handle it, so I left with enough money to buy a train ticket and luckily ended up staying with the girl I had known for 10 days – it might not have worked out but she then became my wife. This is strange because my adoptive sister went back there and stayed long enough to get a new job and move into a flat. My adoptive brother moved back there and ended up staying for 25 years! All I wanted was some time at my parents’ place to destress and get my head together. I am also angry that when my adoptive parents passed away they left all of their assets in a trust with the trustees being my two adoptive sisters and adoptive brother. They made my adoptive other brother who is mentally impaired a discretionary beneficiary, which is very understandable as he has special needs that his three sibling trustees need to meet. What I am angry about is that my adoptive parents in their will also made ME a discretionary beneficiary. I could only put this down to the fact that I was adopted and also perhaps to keep my adoptive mentally impaired brother ‘company’ so that he didn’t feel left out – in effect I was sacrificed for his benefit. A discretionary beneficiary is someone with mental problems, unable to deal with finances and daily life on his own or of a young age, needing to be aided and guided by the trustees. None of these apply to me: When I learnt of my discretionary beneficiary status I was 46 years old. Now I am 52 years old and have been married for 26 years, have two adult children, a home owner and joint owner a limited company and yet was selected to be the only other discretionary beneficiary. This means that I am not a part of the adoptive parents’ ongoing legacy and am an owner of none of their assets. The trustees cannot disclose anything to me and I am simply informed, when appropriate, of any monies that they decide can be given to me. This makes me angry and sidelined, especially as I was brought up to be made to believe that I was the same as my adoptive siblings – made to believe that I was of equal status. What also makes me angry is that although I was always made to believe that I was adopted I dug deeper to ask if it was reasonable that I should be made a discretionary beneficiary with social services and when they looked at my case history they found that I was never actually adopted, just fostered. My adoptive siblings talk of my parents and great grand parents, i.e. their biological ancestors as if they are all mine and have a big family tree with me at the top, but none of these people have anything in common with me genetically and now that I know that I was never adopted I am not even legally bonded to them either, having just really lived in limbo between my adoptive and biological families. – Adult Adoptee
  • I am angry because I am 52 years old and have been brainwashed all of my life to believe that I was “chosen” while the fact that I was torn away from my natural mother was swept under the rug like it didn’t matter or wouldn’t have an impact on me for the rest of my life. I am angry because if my 15 year old mother had received the support she needed to keep me, instead of being judged, shamed and beaten down, I might have known what it’s like to feel whole. I am angry because my adoptive parents weren’t educated on the problems I would have as a result of being torn away from my natural mother and I did not receive the validation, recognition or support I needed to deal with that trauma. I am angry that even though I have met and been in connect with my natural family for 34 years, I still don’t fit or feel whole. I am angry that these things are still happening in 2018 to other innocent babies and children who are expected to fulfill everyone else’s needs while being ‘trained’ to ignore and bury their own needs. Needs that go unrecognized, unacknowledged and unsupported by the vast majority of society, medical and mental health professionals, religious institutions, child welfare agencies, and discriminatory laws.
  • Why do we have to be labeled as Angry. That makes me Angry. I’m lost in pain. I should be i was rejected in the womb and ripped away from the womb and placed in unfamiliar surroundings as an baby . It’s haunting. I’m tired of all the labels placed on me mental, angry, angry adopted child…. I’m not mental and I’m not angry I’m hurt….. it hurts me that they give so much attention to the parents…. and not the baby or child… I get it that it’s got to be hard giving your baby away but it’s a 100 times harder on the baby… come on we all know what it takes to make a baby.. if you don’t want to deal with the pain of giving a baby away don’t make one… I have to live with all my mistakes… we all make them… but dam… why can’t we have a chance in life to be free of the haunting experience of being ripped away from what has been familiar for 9 months… if i want to be hurt or angry I have that right… it doesn’t make me bad …
  • I am angry because my mother never believed that her family (cousins) said racist things to me “She’s not really our cousin look how dirty her skin is.” (5 years old) She made blood more important. I’m angry because she made me compete with a child who never existed “You’re the only fat family member” . I am angry because the parent that understood me and loved me as me died and I am left with a dependent abusive alcoholic narcissist who can hide her true self to everyone else. Everyone allows her to drink and when she’s at the point where she’s no longer fun they dump her onto me and I hear about how I am a “disappointing alien child. Go find your real parents cause you’re a selfish ungrateful thing I regret.”
  • I don’t really know why I am so angry. Every time I come with a reason that makes sense to me I immediately contradict my own self with “plugged in” responses that I have heard my whole life therefore my inner self talk becomes plagues by doubt about my feelings & I end up repressing my feelings & go on with the same daily routine burying the attempt to expose what is making me angry. I am many time my own victim.
  • There are three of us , that my parents adopted. Could not have had better. I was very sick as a child, my parents took me to every Dr, within the area, where I grew up. But my siblings, stayed with and Aunt, that did not treat them well. We grew up not ever calling my parents brothers and sisters, Aunt and Uncle. Strange, everyone else did. Odd, one Aunt that lived far from us, we called them Aunt, and Uncle. We would go for Christmas the odd year, and gifts would be exchanged. I Loved them very much, the only one on my fathers side. And the very opposite on my Mothers side, to my Fathers, everyone treated us like we belonged. When my Grandparents passed, everyone of them, we were very young, not knowing at that time we were adopted, let alone what that meant, did not receive a memento from any Grandparents , that was very hard , knowing other Grandchildren did. We didn’t know any difference, we loved them, they were our Family, or so we thought. At a family reunion once, an issue occurred, I stepped up to defend this Uncle, my Aunt, on my fathers side, looked at me, and right out said, head back, shoulders stern, said to me, and who do you think you are? Well I cried, told my Father, and to my surprise, said nothing. That following day, I said to my adopted sister what took place, and said I think I’m adopted, she said no, you look to much like Mom, but I’ll tell you, I am, she found out two years prior. Well that following work day. On got on the phone and looked into my adoption, sure enough, within weeks I got a call, then the paperwork. Yes I did find my birth family. My situation was different, one I’m not sure my story to tell. But parents split, Mother on her own, no income, two older sisters , my father took to raise. My parents all, round, did what was best. I do have continuing health issues, I am Doctoring for, and greatful for a sister whom has offered to be tested to see if she can help. So the issue is not always with the parents, but other family members. Their loss.
  • I am angry because I have no idea who I am or where I come from. I’ve met my biological mother, absolutely no connection there. I asked her who my father was, she told me she didn’t remember…..Bullshit! When I tell my wife about things like this, she says ” Did you consider how she feels?” I say it’s not about her, remember…she had a choice. My biological mother has never made any attempts to tell her story, so again I don’t know. I remember growing up and people telling me how ” lucky ” I was because I was chosen? Oh, yea? give a try some time, and tell yourself how lucky you are. I’m 48 years old and still feel at odds with everything around me. I feel like I’m either 10 years ahead or 10 years behind. I have serious trust issues, even with friends. I wonder if I will ever have peace in my life.
  • I’m adopted and can certainly relate to many reasons why to be angry. Life goes on and I’m more angry of how I get treated like an outsider by my adopted family now as an adult. Snobs can all go jump in a lake for all I care.
  • I am justifiably angry that adoptive parents and society put so much effort into being saviors, in turn meeting their own needs and not ours and as a result expect us to be eternally grateful. Why not have placed more effort in helping my family stay together and keep me as a part of it. For that I would not only have been grateful, I would also be functional with none of the burden of the primal wound I carry today from not only being separated from my parents but from being sexually and emotionally abused for eight years by the family I was given to. Better off, I beg to differ.
  • I am angry because for 57 years I wasted my time thinking I had to fit in with my adopted family, I am angry because no matter what my adoptive parents say when they had their own kids I was treated as an outsider. I am angry that the government made it almost impossible for me to connect with my biological mother. I am angry when I think back to incidents where I desperately needed my adoptive mother to just hug me and she never did, when I needed my adoptive parents just to listen and they never did, I am angry that they always treated me differently that they then went on to totally reject me when I was a teen. But mostly I am angry that it took me this long to realize that these people are not worth my time or effort.
  • I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress.
  • I’m angry because most adoptive parents don’t have the willingness to read something like this to help understand adoptees better. They label us and say “we just had a bad adoption experience” Adoption in itself is a bad experience, yet they refuse to listen to us! The world refuses to listen to us! Well someone better be angry because of all the voiceless adoptees who haven’t made it on this earth. Who’s going to stand up for them? Adoptees who attempt suicide are 4x more likely than non-adoptees. When are you people going to start listening to adult adoptees? We have to make lists like this so you won’t shut us down? WAKE UP. I will continue to be angry until you WAKE UP! Someone has to be angry for change to happen! #ihaveavoice I will use it!
  • As a 46 year old adult who was adopted in 1975 I’m angry at the system which failed to perform thorough psychological evaluations on my prospective adoptive parents. Turns out one is a narcissist and the other has Asperger’s syndrome. Quite the one-two punch for a child growing up in an unfamiliar genetic environment. I believe the prevailing wisdom of the day was “adopted kids are a blank canvas, and will grow up to be however you make them to be…” Like I was some sort of mini-Mr. Potato Head or something. The couple who adopted me were nice enough people to the rest of the world but they constantly treated me like some type of malfunctioning machine. I demonstrated high intelligence and musical talent from an early age, yet was told pursuing my life as a musician was out of the question. They steered me instead towards their own interests (religion & science), neither of which I cared for. All I ever heard was “we know what’s best for you”, even as the loneliness, ostracizing, and lack of personal identity drove me into crime, heavy drug abuse and suicidal thoughts. Nobody appeared to care about ME, they only cared about how I measured up to their expectations – which I failed at basically every time. I’m a grown adult now, lonely as hell, looking back on a childhood of regrets. I don’t speak with them anymore and likely never will. After an exhaustive search I finally managed to uncover the identity of my birth mother – she died almost 30 years ago.

Can any adoptees relate to these posts?

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Many Blessings to all, and thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova AKA @pamelakaranova

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

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