Can I Cry Now?

When I searched for my birth mother I was all alone, with no support or guidance.

There was no help.

Can I cry now?

My adoptive mom told me my birth mother loved me “So Much. that’s why she gave me away ” but when I found her she didn’t want to know me.

Can I cry now?

Never in a million years would I expect the woman that loved me “SO MUCH” to reject me…

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother told me I made her dreams come true to be a mother, there was no room for my sadness or tears because for her dreams to come true, I lost an entire family and my mother.

I couldn’t ruin her dream come true by my sadness?

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother lied to me about finding my birth family, and told me when we had enough money we would get the sealed records opened I hung onto that hope. It was a lie.

Can I cry now?

When I saw a billion therapists, counselors, was put on medications, locked up in rehab, and juvenile jail.. No one ever asked me if my pain was from losing my first family or being separated from my biological mother. Not once.

Can I cry now?

When I contemplated suicide as a teenager, I kept it a secret because no one cared about my feelings.

Can I cry now?

No one has ever asked how it felt growing up not mirroring anyone and feeling alone and isolated.

Can I cry now?

Everyone told me how to feel, and that I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

Can I cry now?

When my birth father’s rights were stolen, and he wasn’t even told about my existence but did my adoptive parents ever wonder who my father was?

Can I cry now?

I had high hopes, but when I showed up at his door to introduce myself he knew nothing about me.

He denied I was his daughter.

He told me to “Go To Hell”.

Can I cry now?

Because of this I will never EVER have ONE MEMORY, NOT ONE WITH A BIOLOGICAL GRANDPARENT!

CAN I CRY NOW??!

Because of things I had no control over, I missed out on relationships with my siblings growing up.

Lost time never to return.

Can I cry now?

Someone else’s dream come true is my biggest loss, yet I’m supposed to be THANKFUL FOR THIS LIFE?

Can I cry now?

Stuck in the middle of 2 families, feeling torn between the 2 yet never really fitting into either…

Can I cry now?

My birthday is like dooms day. Yet I’m forced to put on a smile. It was the day I lost everything.

Can I cry now?

When I searched for my biological mother everywhere I went, no one cared that all I wanted was HER.

Can I cry now?

But her loving me “SO MUCH” was a lie too, because when I found her SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.

Can I cry now?

It’s been torture not knowing WHO I AM or WHERE I CAME FROM.

Can I cry now?

My broken heart is dismissed by everyone, because adoption is such a glorious thing.

Can I cry now?

For everyone that tells me I should just get over it, move on, or suck it up, or I’m just focused on the past and its negative…

Until you have walked one day in my shoes, you can’t judge me.

Can I cry now?

Because I feel like the WORLD is up against me

Can I cry now?

I will pretend when you see me, everything is OK because I’ve been conditioned to do that since I found out I was adopted.

But today I want to ask YOU if I can cry now?

When all my pain has been locked inside for over 40 years because the WORLD GLORIFIES ADOPTION AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY PAIN…

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Answer me WORLD who glorifies ADOPTION…

Answer me WORLD who has no room for my PAIN.

CAN I CRY NOW?

I had to fight the WORLD and the CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS to find my TRUTH so I could move forward and HEAL

Can I cry now?

Now that I’m not running from the pain of my reality, and I’m 3 years into sobriety, not drinking or drugging to numb my pain

Can I cry now?

Since society, and the WORLD and everyone impacted by adoption denied me my right to grieve growing up, finally at 41 years old

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Remember crying is healing.

Sharing feelings is healing.

WORLD WHO GLORIFIES ADOPTION…

You have to FEEL it to HEAL it…

CAN I CRY NOW?

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Pamela A. Karanova

PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

**If you can’t acknowledge my feelings, please don’t silence me with your scriptures.

Fear of the Unknown & Random Adoptee Feelings

I decided to write today because I have a lot coming up and a lot on my mind. This is my safe place, so here I am. No one can tell me how to feel here, and no one can interrupt me. No one can silence me by throwing scriptures at me. It’s a great feeling to have this safe place! All adoptees need a safe place!

My “Birth” day is in 6 days. My Sobriety “Birth” day is in 5 days. My Testimony at Celebrate Recovery is in 13 days. My mind is racing and the devil is doing a number on me because he doesn’t want to see me make it to my 3 year sobriety. He doesn’t want me to make it to give my testimony, and he loves to see me in total sadness about my “birth” day.  It’s just ridiculous but I do have hope that if God can heal my broken heart he can heal the way I feel about my birthday! I’m just not there yet!

I still have to write about how God healed my broken heart from my adoption experience, and what the tools were that worked from me. I am going to write about it soon! I promise. It’s good stuff!

What I am realizing that there is more to it, than just my broken heart. I have always struggled with my birthday. I know my fellow adoptees get it. Putting on a smile for the world, when the deep pain and sadness has to be hidden to make other’s feel comfortable. I’ve decided I’m going to try to do something nice for myself each day until it passes. Like go buy a slurpie from the gas station, and take a ride with the sunroof open. Or go for a walk by myself. Go to a few yard sales, or shop at Goodwill. (yes I said it. I am frugal, I’m not ashamed!) Maybe even go to a few coffee shops, or for a walk in a park. Whatever makes me feel better about the day I lost everything.

If you are an adoptee and you struggle with your birthday please leave me a comment, so non adoptees don’t think I’m crazy or just being negative please?

Honestly, why do I even care about what others think? I thought I was going to stop doing that! I guess I’ve been so conditioned to “feel” a certain way about being adopted, that when I share my TRUTH it still seems surreal to be able to do it, not just with my fellow adoptees but with everyone.  I’m working hard at not caring what others think, and just share my truth.

My truth is as soon as August approaches I start to get really sad, down and disconnected with everything around me. My birthday is a very painful day for me, so are the weeks that approach it. If I could just “get over it” I would. Don’t you think I would rather be happy on that day? Do you think if I could just make that choice, I would? I feel like there is some unfinished business of healing in that area that I need to do, because usually that’s why we stay in pain. Unfinished deep healing of wounds from our past. I know God heals and I know he will heal me also! I look forward to the day where I can write as I CELEBRATE the DAY I WAS BORN!

What I think of during the days that lead to my birthday is what my birth mother went through at that time. How she felt. What happened the day I was born? Was she sad that day? Was she happy to get it over with and move on with her life? Did she ever hold me? Did she name me? What was the atmosphere in the room like that day? Was she at peace with her decision? As my mind races with these thoughts, it consumes my mind August 1st-Aug 13th. By August 14th I’m better, and I don’t think much about that day for 11 more months. It’s definitely a cycle, because it’s done this every year my entire life. I used to drink, and of course that numbed the reality of the pain I was facing. Soon I will reach 3 years sobriety, and the pain has never been more real.

I like to think of adoptees as “Special Needs”. I can speak for myself on that, because I am definitely a special needs person. Working through my 2nd step study in Celebrate Recovery I’ve discovered more deep rooted issues regarding my adoption experience. The fact that anything in the “UNKNOWN” realm is something I don’t take well AT ALL!!!  UNKNOWN is uncertainty, and I have lived almost all of my years on this earth not knowing what is going on about MY LIFE!!!! PEOPLE chose for me, and NOW that I’m able to choose for myself I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. AT ALL TIMES. I have to plan everything to a tee, and if I don’t I get fearful and it’s not a good place for me to be. This is all rooted in fear, and I know where it comes from. I know hundreds of adoptees who have the same issues.  So when I plan it leads to confirmation, of what’s next. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen. I know where I’m going and when I need to be there. I’m on schedule, I’m on task, I’m not late, and I know where I need to be at all times.

What does the UNKNOWN feel like? What does UNCERTANTY feel like? Well it takes me back to my childhood when I felt like I was an alien on this planet, not knowing where to turn or where to go. It takes me to searching for my biological family everywhere I went but never knowing who they were or where they were. It takes me to the lies people told me to benefit themselves. There are lots of lies and secrets in this adoption thing, and that is certain. The UNKNOWN takes me to a state of fear I don’t want to be in.

I took a trip this past week. I realized it was going to be harder than expected because I had to release ALL CONTROL to God and everything about the trip was uncertain, and unknown. I took it as a challenge, for me to be able to take this trip, and I tried to look at it as a way for me to get closer to God, and for me to release my control to him and just know that he was going to take care of everything. It was very difficult for me to do this. I know this isn’t only a struggle for adoptees, but for people in general. But I speak from an adoptees standpoint. It was extremely difficult but I made it! Adapting to my surroundings and nothing was familiar surrounded me with everything being uncertain, or unknown.  IT WAS HARD!

I’m a very simple person. I don’t need fancy things to make me happy. I’m not into material things. I love simplicity. I love nature, being outside, the sun rises and the sunsets & the sky. I could be as happy in an efficiency apartment as I would be in a huge 5 bedroom house filled with material things. Things don’t float my boat. I’m more of a time person, because in this adoption thing so much time has been lost, never to return. Time spent and memories made and pictures to prove it are things I hold close to my heart.

As I venture through the next 2 weeks of my life, and overcome the challenges that come my way (as they always do in August) I’m very sensitive with people leaving me at this particular time. I say “Leaving Me”, yet they might just be going away for a few days. With my birth mother “Leaving Me” at this time 41 years ago, I find people leaving a trigger, so I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from everyone I can. I’m safer that way.  It would be nice if someone understood this, but so far the only people that get it are my fellow adoptees, and God. I know he gets it. I know this is another part of my “Special Needs”.  I can’t expect anyone to really understand, unless they have been through it.

As for celebrating my sobriety “birth “day which falls the day before my legal birthday it’s pretty difficult for me. The birthday pain overpowers the joy of the sobriety birthday and I’m holding onto hope that this will change. I WISH I COULD ERASE THE DAY I WAS BORN. To me, this seems like it would solve everything.. But I can’t. I know in my heart of hearts, God planned me to be here so I’m here. I’m stuck. I can’t go back unless he says it’s my time. I can’t wait for that time by the way, no more adoptee pain.

For now, I will share my feelings here, and let all the other adoptees know that healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Using alcohol to numb my pain for 25+ years only delayed my healing. In order to truly heal, I had to fight kicking and screaming to gain my TRUTH (it’s hard when the world is lying to you!) and once that happened, I decided alcohol wasn’t going to help me heal so I had to make the choice to let it go. But you see finding my TRUTH I found out both my birth parents were alcoholics, and this was a major eye opener for me to want to make the change for myself and for my kids. It was the best decision I ever made, BUT dealing with the aftermath of lies, secrets, and trauma that is ignored in adoption it’s taken me years to get to a point where I can share my feelings, and not be scared of what people will think.

If my blog can help one adoptee, it’s worth it. Writing is healing to me. Sharing my feelings is healing to me. Knowing other adoptees understand and I’m not alone is healing to me. If you have made it this far, thanks for being a part of my “Adoptee In Recovery” journey!

Next: I’m going to write a letter to my birth mother. I want to let her know a few things, and to share what’s on my heart a week before my birthday. I will share it in my next blog post. Ta Ta for now.

To my fellow adoptees, never give up HOPE in finding your TRUTH!!!! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee

@freesimplyme

http://www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s (and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then?  Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed.  My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain.  Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed.  Sharing is healing.

ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!

Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!

Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain.  This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share.  Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. (Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society.  My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life. 

No one tells me how I should feel here.

They have told me how to feel my entire life.

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so.  I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay.  Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil.  Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited

 

Lexington, KY

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted