Can I Cry Now?

When I searched for my birth mother I was all alone, with no support or guidance.

There was no help.

Can I cry now?

My adoptive mom told me my birth mother loved me “So Much. that’s why she gave me away ” but when I found her she didn’t want to know me.

Can I cry now?

Never in a million years would I expect the woman that loved me “SO MUCH” to reject me…

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother told me I made her dreams come true to be a mother, there was no room for my sadness or tears because for her dreams to come true, I lost an entire family and my mother.

I couldn’t ruin her dream come true by my sadness?

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother lied to me about finding my birth family, and told me when we had enough money we would get the sealed records opened I hung onto that hope. It was a lie.

Can I cry now?

When I saw a billion therapists, counselors, was put on medications, locked up in rehab, and juvenile jail.. No one ever asked me if my pain was from losing my first family or being separated from my biological mother. Not once.

Can I cry now?

When I contemplated suicide as a teenager, I kept it a secret because no one cared about my feelings.

Can I cry now?

No one has ever asked how it felt growing up not mirroring anyone and feeling alone and isolated.

Can I cry now?

Everyone told me how to feel, and that I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

Can I cry now?

When my birth father’s rights were stolen, and he wasn’t even told about my existence but did my adoptive parents ever wonder who my father was?

Can I cry now?

I had high hopes, but when I showed up at his door to introduce myself he knew nothing about me.

He denied I was his daughter.

He told me to “Go To Hell”.

Can I cry now?



Because of things I had no control over, I missed out on relationships with my siblings growing up.

Lost time never to return.

Can I cry now?

Someone else’s dream come true is my biggest loss, yet I’m supposed to be THANKFUL FOR THIS LIFE?

Can I cry now?

Stuck in the middle of 2 families, feeling torn between the 2 yet never really fitting into either…

Can I cry now?

My birthday is like dooms day. Yet I’m forced to put on a smile. It was the day I lost everything.

Can I cry now?

When I searched for my biological mother everywhere I went, no one cared that all I wanted was HER.

Can I cry now?

But her loving me “SO MUCH” was a lie too, because when I found her SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.

Can I cry now?

It’s been torture not knowing WHO I AM or WHERE I CAME FROM.

Can I cry now?

My broken heart is dismissed by everyone, because adoption is such a glorious thing.

Can I cry now?

For everyone that tells me I should just get over it, move on, or suck it up, or I’m just focused on the past and its negative…

Until you have walked one day in my shoes, you can’t judge me.

Can I cry now?

Because I feel like the WORLD is up against me

Can I cry now?

I will pretend when you see me, everything is OK because I’ve been conditioned to do that since I found out I was adopted.

But today I want to ask YOU if I can cry now?

When all my pain has been locked inside for over 40 years because the WORLD GLORIFIES ADOPTION AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY PAIN…

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Answer me WORLD who glorifies ADOPTION…

Answer me WORLD who has no room for my PAIN.


I had to fight the WORLD and the CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS to find my TRUTH so I could move forward and HEAL

Can I cry now?

Now that I’m not running from the pain of my reality, and I’m 3 years into sobriety, not drinking or drugging to numb my pain

Can I cry now?

Since society, and the WORLD and everyone impacted by adoption denied me my right to grieve growing up, finally at 41 years old

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Remember crying is healing.

Sharing feelings is healing.


You have to FEEL it to HEAL it…



Pamela A. Karanova


Reunited Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

**If you can’t acknowledge my feelings, please don’t silence me with your scriptures.

Fear of the Unknown & Random Adoptee Feelings

I decided to write today because I have a lot coming up and a lot on my mind. This is my safe place, so here I am. No one can tell me how to feel here, and no one can interrupt me. No one can silence me by throwing scriptures at me. It’s a great feeling to have this safe place! All adoptees need a safe place!

My “Birth” day is in 6 days. My Sobriety “Birth” day is in 5 days. My Testimony at Celebrate Recovery is in 13 days. My mind is racing and the devil is doing a number on me because he doesn’t want to see me make it to my 3 year sobriety. He doesn’t want me to make it to give my testimony, and he loves to see me in total sadness about my “birth” day.  It’s just ridiculous but I do have hope that if God can heal my broken heart he can heal the way I feel about my birthday! I’m just not there yet!

I still have to write about how God healed my broken heart from my adoption experience, and what the tools were that worked from me. I am going to write about it soon! I promise. It’s good stuff!

What I am realizing that there is more to it, than just my broken heart. I have always struggled with my birthday. I know my fellow adoptees get it. Putting on a smile for the world, when the deep pain and sadness has to be hidden to make other’s feel comfortable. I’ve decided I’m going to try to do something nice for myself each day until it passes. Like go buy a slurpie from the gas station, and take a ride with the sunroof open. Or go for a walk by myself. Go to a few yard sales, or shop at Goodwill. (yes I said it. I am frugal, I’m not ashamed!) Maybe even go to a few coffee shops, or for a walk in a park. Whatever makes me feel better about the day I lost everything.

If you are an adoptee and you struggle with your birthday please leave me a comment, so non adoptees don’t think I’m crazy or just being negative please?

Honestly, why do I even care about what others think? I thought I was going to stop doing that! I guess I’ve been so conditioned to “feel” a certain way about being adopted, that when I share my TRUTH it still seems surreal to be able to do it, not just with my fellow adoptees but with everyone.  I’m working hard at not caring what others think, and just share my truth.

My truth is as soon as August approaches I start to get really sad, down and disconnected with everything around me. My birthday is a very painful day for me, so are the weeks that approach it. If I could just “get over it” I would. Don’t you think I would rather be happy on that day? Do you think if I could just make that choice, I would? I feel like there is some unfinished business of healing in that area that I need to do, because usually that’s why we stay in pain. Unfinished deep healing of wounds from our past. I know God heals and I know he will heal me also! I look forward to the day where I can write as I CELEBRATE the DAY I WAS BORN!

What I think of during the days that lead to my birthday is what my birth mother went through at that time. How she felt. What happened the day I was born? Was she sad that day? Was she happy to get it over with and move on with her life? Did she ever hold me? Did she name me? What was the atmosphere in the room like that day? Was she at peace with her decision? As my mind races with these thoughts, it consumes my mind August 1st-Aug 13th. By August 14th I’m better, and I don’t think much about that day for 11 more months. It’s definitely a cycle, because it’s done this every year my entire life. I used to drink, and of course that numbed the reality of the pain I was facing. Soon I will reach 3 years sobriety, and the pain has never been more real.

I like to think of adoptees as “Special Needs”. I can speak for myself on that, because I am definitely a special needs person. Working through my 2nd step study in Celebrate Recovery I’ve discovered more deep rooted issues regarding my adoption experience. The fact that anything in the “UNKNOWN” realm is something I don’t take well AT ALL!!!  UNKNOWN is uncertainty, and I have lived almost all of my years on this earth not knowing what is going on about MY LIFE!!!! PEOPLE chose for me, and NOW that I’m able to choose for myself I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. AT ALL TIMES. I have to plan everything to a tee, and if I don’t I get fearful and it’s not a good place for me to be. This is all rooted in fear, and I know where it comes from. I know hundreds of adoptees who have the same issues.  So when I plan it leads to confirmation, of what’s next. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen. I know where I’m going and when I need to be there. I’m on schedule, I’m on task, I’m not late, and I know where I need to be at all times.

What does the UNKNOWN feel like? What does UNCERTANTY feel like? Well it takes me back to my childhood when I felt like I was an alien on this planet, not knowing where to turn or where to go. It takes me to searching for my biological family everywhere I went but never knowing who they were or where they were. It takes me to the lies people told me to benefit themselves. There are lots of lies and secrets in this adoption thing, and that is certain. The UNKNOWN takes me to a state of fear I don’t want to be in.

I took a trip this past week. I realized it was going to be harder than expected because I had to release ALL CONTROL to God and everything about the trip was uncertain, and unknown. I took it as a challenge, for me to be able to take this trip, and I tried to look at it as a way for me to get closer to God, and for me to release my control to him and just know that he was going to take care of everything. It was very difficult for me to do this. I know this isn’t only a struggle for adoptees, but for people in general. But I speak from an adoptees standpoint. It was extremely difficult but I made it! Adapting to my surroundings and nothing was familiar surrounded me with everything being uncertain, or unknown.  IT WAS HARD!

I’m a very simple person. I don’t need fancy things to make me happy. I’m not into material things. I love simplicity. I love nature, being outside, the sun rises and the sunsets & the sky. I could be as happy in an efficiency apartment as I would be in a huge 5 bedroom house filled with material things. Things don’t float my boat. I’m more of a time person, because in this adoption thing so much time has been lost, never to return. Time spent and memories made and pictures to prove it are things I hold close to my heart.

As I venture through the next 2 weeks of my life, and overcome the challenges that come my way (as they always do in August) I’m very sensitive with people leaving me at this particular time. I say “Leaving Me”, yet they might just be going away for a few days. With my birth mother “Leaving Me” at this time 41 years ago, I find people leaving a trigger, so I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from everyone I can. I’m safer that way.  It would be nice if someone understood this, but so far the only people that get it are my fellow adoptees, and God. I know he gets it. I know this is another part of my “Special Needs”.  I can’t expect anyone to really understand, unless they have been through it.

As for celebrating my sobriety “birth “day which falls the day before my legal birthday it’s pretty difficult for me. The birthday pain overpowers the joy of the sobriety birthday and I’m holding onto hope that this will change. I WISH I COULD ERASE THE DAY I WAS BORN. To me, this seems like it would solve everything.. But I can’t. I know in my heart of hearts, God planned me to be here so I’m here. I’m stuck. I can’t go back unless he says it’s my time. I can’t wait for that time by the way, no more adoptee pain.

For now, I will share my feelings here, and let all the other adoptees know that healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Using alcohol to numb my pain for 25+ years only delayed my healing. In order to truly heal, I had to fight kicking and screaming to gain my TRUTH (it’s hard when the world is lying to you!) and once that happened, I decided alcohol wasn’t going to help me heal so I had to make the choice to let it go. But you see finding my TRUTH I found out both my birth parents were alcoholics, and this was a major eye opener for me to want to make the change for myself and for my kids. It was the best decision I ever made, BUT dealing with the aftermath of lies, secrets, and trauma that is ignored in adoption it’s taken me years to get to a point where I can share my feelings, and not be scared of what people will think.

If my blog can help one adoptee, it’s worth it. Writing is healing to me. Sharing my feelings is healing to me. Knowing other adoptees understand and I’m not alone is healing to me. If you have made it this far, thanks for being a part of my “Adoptee In Recovery” journey!

Next: I’m going to write a letter to my birth mother. I want to let her know a few things, and to share what’s on my heart a week before my birthday. I will share it in my next blog post. Ta Ta for now.

To my fellow adoptees, never give up HOPE in finding your TRUTH!!!! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee


A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s (and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then?  Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed.  My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain.  Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed.  Sharing is healing.


Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.


Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain.  This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share.  Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. (Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society.  My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life. 

No one tells me how I should feel here.

They have told me how to feel my entire life.

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so.  I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay.  Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil.  Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited


Lexington, KY

Pamela Karanova: Welcoming the REAL TRUE ME!

I’m coming out of the anonymous ADOPTEE CLOSET!

Yesterday was a BIG day for me!

For those that don’t know, I’ve always blogged under an Alias. My reason is because I have never wanted to hurt my adoptive family, or biological family’s feelings by sharing my truth.

Let’s just face the facts. Growing up in a closed adoption is everything  but normal!

I’ve been working through my second step study in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I’m very involved in. Through this ministry God has moved mountains in my life! I’ve been able to work through some deep rooted things I thought I was going to take to my grave. But God had other plans for me. I don’t know what I would do without my step study sisters! They are amazing and they have helped me so much.

By working through these “things” I’ve been given a new confidence about myself. I’ve been given more of God’s grace to work through my issues. I’ve been able to feel strong enough that I don’t have to hide behind an alias anymore. This is a PRETTY FREEING FEELING!

Ever since I’ve been sharing my adoptee feelings, I’ve basically been living a double life. “Pamela Jones” was the adult adoptee, hurt, broken, angry, and very wounded from her adoptee experience. Pamela is my adoptive first name. Jones was the “Pen Name” I chose. I picked Jones because it was my biological father’s last name. His rights were stolen in the 70’s and my birth mother signed me over, without his consent. I have always had a strong disliking for my adoptive last name, it just never fit me. It actually despised it. It linked me to a whole lot of pain growing up. As I chose “Jones” to write under, it had a nice ring to it. It was my TRUE last name, but there is one problem. My birth father never accepted me as his so why would I really want his last name? It worked for 3 years. I hid behind it for 3 years. I made a lot of adult adoptee friends behind “Pamela Jones”, hundreds to be exact. I created an anonymous online name for myself, and it was a way of protecting my true self from those who might not agree with me. It was a way to hide behind my TRUTH. I had many adoptive and biological parents lash out at me for creating “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” so the “Pen Name” protected me from a lot of things. The most important to me, it protected my adoptive parents, specifically my adoptive dad whom I adore from every finding out how I truly feel. I have never wanted to break his heart.

I woke up a few days ago, realizing that if I desire TRUTH in adoption for all adoptees, I owe myself, my fellow adoptees, and the WORLD to know who I truly am! No more hiding. No more secrets. No more being scared of what those close to me will think. This has been a huge decision for me. But without God and his grace, I never would have been able to make this decision. His Grace, has brought a whole new perspective to my life. I believe Pamela Jones was there for me to process my anger, rage, and really deep raw feelings. I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT because you CAN’T HEAL unless you do. I don’t want to erase Pamela Jones. She was part of my life. She helped me get through some really deep dark times. All you have to do is look over the last 3 years of blog posts. You will read heartache after heartache in my writings. But if I could tell my fellow adoptees one thing, it’s going THROUGH the pain, CAN AND WILL bring you freedom. But we have to go through the pain.

As I write to my blog readers and the world today, I’m here to share my REAL TRUE identity. I’m here to tell you where I REALLY live. I’m here to invite you all to join me in the next level of my adoptee healing, and recovery journey. The one to FREEDOM. One of my favorite quotes is:

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!”.

WOW WOW WOW! To all my fellow adoptees reading this, WE MADE IT! WE SURVIVED! How amazing is that in itself!

My true identity is “Pamela Karanova”. On my 40th Birthday I made the decision to legally change my last name. The name I was given at birth- I hated it! It was nothing personal against the family who gave me the name but it never fit me. It tied me to the city and town I grew up in, where I have so many bad memories. I just didn’t want the name anymore. So I prayed and asked God to help me come up with a new last name. I wanted it to be unique and pretty, just for me!

He gave me the verses, Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”

The word “PURE” stood out.

Then he gave me the verse. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!”

The word “NEW” stood out.

I looked up the meanings to “Pure” & “New” and “K A R A N O V A “ was born!

I wanted to make sure no one else had the name, or it wasn’t common so I Googled it, and didn’t find much at all aside from “Kara Nova” who happens to be a “Pole Dancer”. LOL

This change and the new name has a very BIG significant meaning to me. Not only in my adoptee world and journey, but in my Christian journey as well. Today I’m not the person I used to be. God has recreated me to be the person HE intends for me to be and I believe the new name is a symbol of the NEW ME.

My fellow adoptees can relate to the name change in the adoptee aspect. I feel so much was taken and stolen, lost never to be found again. PEOPLE made this choice for me. They erased my history! I had no choice! They gave me a new “fake” name & a new “fake” birth certificate! PEOPLE of the world have even tried to control how I feel about it, “JUST BE THANKFUL” using the WORD as a weapon to silence me from sharing my feelings. Sorry, but Christians are the worst! (Yes, I’m a Christian!) God has given me the grace to be able to use the WORD right back at them! Praise HIM!

The old me couldn’t have a conversation about adoption without getting angry, and wanting to scream or cry or throw something. Because people just don’t seem to “Get It” unless they are adopted. My fellow adoptees, my saving graces have taught me to stand up for myself, and God has taught me to do it with his grace. This has allowed me to feel like I’m in a confident place to be able to do this on my own, without hiding behind a “PEN NAME!”

So here I am. WAVING HELLO to the world! Sharing not only my real true feelings, but the REAL TRUE ME! So long to Pamela Jones. So long Pamela (____)


From now on I will use my real name in my online adoptee world. I will sign my blog posts with my real information. I want all adoptees all over the world to reach out to me because only WE know HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED!

I have had to understand, that the WORLD has no idea how we feel or what we go through being adopted, and all the heartache that goes along with it. But my fellow adoptees get it. We have to be there to lift one another up, in times of crisis, and when we reach our all time lows, and they do come!

As for the few adoptive or biological family I am in fear of offending, I’m sorry in advance. If you find my blog, you find my true feelings. The feelings I’ve had to hide my entire life. One thing I can say is they are real. Living a lie wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t talked about in the 1970’s, but it’s talked about now. I think of the small handful of you all that might get offended compared to the HUNDREDS of adoptees I am in contact with that I have relationships with, and I KNOW I can help them by sharing they aren’t alone. Sorry, but my fellow adoptees are the reason God put me on earth. To help them break out of a lifetime of silence, and provide them with one person who GETS IT, who UNDERSTANDS, who LOVES THEM and doesn’t judge them anyway. While I navigate this journey in breaking out of hiding behind a pen name, I will be praying you all understand why I’ve had to do this. If I don’t do this, I have no purpose on this earth. That’s truly how I feel. I can’t worry about how other people respond to my decision, family or not. This is what God has called me to do, and I am going to spend the rest of my life reaching out to my fellow adoptees and sharing with them what God has done in my life, because he can do the same for them.

Living this double life has been painful. It started the moment I was forced to make a split between the REAL me, when I was born, and the NEW ME, when my adoptive parents erased the REAL ME, and falsified everything. As I’ve grown up into a woman who can chose for myself I’ve grown into the person God intended for me to be. It’s neither of the people from my past. So I’m no longer going to live the double life. I was forced to growing up, and have always felt like I had to protect others in my adoptive and biological families, but today I am living for God, and for myself, and my kids, and my fellow adoptees. No more double life.

I’m no longer hiding! Yay!

Signing off as PAMELA KARANOVA, Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

You can reach me at: ßFellow Adoptees, add me to your Facebook by this email!

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing.  When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

This picture speaks to me…

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself.  My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas.  God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?


This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova


Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?


If we can’t learn from one another, what good is our existence? We understand their are adoptive parents and others who truly want to try to understand us better. As a way to assist them on learning how it feels to be adopted, I decided to ask one question to generate some responses.  Why are so many adoptees angry or hurt by their adoption experiences? These responses have been kept anonymous for confidentiality reasons. Each person that participated knew their response was going to be posted on a blog and shared with the world.

To my fellow adoptees, thank you for sharing such a personal piece of your hearts to help others understand us better. If we don’t who will? Also, remember you are never alone. The way you are feeling is natural for a not natural situation. Much love from me to you!<3

I asked one simple question, “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?”


100 adoptees chimed in.

Here are their responses.

  • Lack of identity. Lack of origin. Adoption being about our adoptive parent’s pain which eclipses our own. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling helpless. Bullying. Discrimination. Systematic discrimination. Legal discrimination. Being forced to lead someone else’s life and not my own. Searching for an identity in all we know. Having to identify with painful back stories of pop culture icons who’s worlds have been destroyed (superman, Mr. Spock, starlord, the punisher the list goes on). Feeling like your life is a movie because we’ve been introduced as a supplemental character in our own story with no history. Having to grow up too fast. Being told we’re lucky. Being asked about our ‘real’ parents. Being looked at like an alien. Being told there’s a reason for our suffering without being told the reason. Feeling worthless because nobody values OUR needs. Feeling like there’s no end in sight. An inability to believe in ourselves because we believe there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Having to constantly wonder if the people you may know on Facebook are somehow related. Feeling the same feeling when walking down the street. Having to wonder when starting a new relationship whether or not they’re your sibling or cousin. Never being able to feel 100% comfortable in said relationship because of that. Feeling like love is someone leaving you. Never finishing anything because of a lack of closure.
  • There are SO many reasons, I probably can’t list them all in one go. But the things that come to mind are:
  • My own FAMILY gave me away to strangers.
  • My own grandmother lied to and coerced my mother so that she felt she had no other choice, and all because my grandmother cared more about what the neighbors thought than she cared about my mother or me.
  • The government colluded with my grandmother to ensure that my mother wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone unsupervised by my grandmother, so she had no opportunity to discuss or truly discover what SHE wanted.
  • Even though the government KNEW full well that my father wanted to raise me even if my mother didn’t, they told him he had no rights to me, and gave me to strangers when they COULD EASILY have allowed me to be kept within my own family.
  • The government TOLD my adoptive parents that they shouldn’t tell us we were adopted, that we never need know, AND told them that even if we did know, that if they were good parents, we’d never wonder about our pasts.
    The government LIED to me when I tried to get information.
  • The manager of the government’s post adoption registry LIED to me, and acted like he was god by flaunting all the information that he had about me that he wasn’t going to share with me.
  • Some members of my adoptive family always treated me like an outsider.
  • I never fit into my adoptive family. I’m not like the rest of them – even the ones who have been nice to me.
  • All the other kids at school knew I was adopted, and would tell me that their parents had said that my real mother didn’t love me and didn’t want me.
  • Other people have always acted like THEY know better, and have told me how I should feel, and what I should or should not do.
  • Other people gave me search advice that I wish I hadn’t taken, because my mother DIED before I found her, and if I’d just called around, I’d have found her before that.
  • Other people told me what to call my natural family, and I wish I hadn’t felt obligated to listen, because it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
  • People do not allow us to grieve. Try telling someone your mother died and hearing “It’s just as well.” or “You’re over reacting. You didn’t even know her.”
  • I’m angry because my right to grieve was stolen along with my history. If I was allowed to grieve and share my feelings as a child I may not be as angry as an adult. Unfortunately I’m just now grieving my losses… And yes, ANGER is a stage of that grief.
  • I’m angry because I was told a lie most of my life by my adoptive parents. Why are we raised to tell the truth and not lie but adoption lies are okay? Lying is not okay. I would rather know my hard core history [My truth] than be lied to my entire life by those who are supposed to love me the most.
  • Could it be we have not been allowed to grieve our loss? From our birth mother. In Grieving anger is one of the stages in grief. People have not allowed us to share our loss and validate loss. People dismissed our loss as important.
  • I personally am angry because I was not told I was adopted until I was in my 30s and it’s very disempowering, plus quite a shock to find out at that age.
  • I’m angry because I grew up feeling completely out of place and have ALWAYS wondered about where I came from, and here I am- a grown adult who is STILL being denied that knowledge by other people. I am angry because I have had to put myself (and private information) out there for the world to see for only a tiny CHANCE of finding my biological identity. I am angry because I have feelings that get poo-pooed by other people who have never been in my shoes. I am angry because I am being treated like a perpetual child. Like I’m not “allowed” to want to know and that I don’t deserve to know and most of the people with those thoughts get to know exactly where THEY came from!
  • I’m angry because I’m in my 50s and still not allowed access to my own birth certificate – even though I found all of my family member’s years ago. I’m angry that there is still a lack of support for family preservation in favor of adoption. I’m angry that having more money allows certain adopters to pull wanted children away from their families. I’m angry that so many childless people that claim to care about children really only want to get themselves a baby and not actually help older children in foster care or even just vulnerable families in their own community. I’m angry that whenever adoptees attempt to speak their truth and call for changes in the system they are silenced, called “ungrateful” and “angry” and told they just had a “bad experience.” I’m angry that the industry is pulling in thousands of dollars at the expense of vulnerable children. I will continue to be “angry” in order to try to affect change for today’s children and those yet unborn.
  • I’m angry because everyone expected me to forget my first family & expected me to be thankful for the biggest loss of my life. An entire family.
  • I’m angry because of my adoptive parent’s gain I lost a lifetime of memories that can’t be replace with my biological family members.
  • I’m angry because I was taken away from my country, my culture and my native language. Not only that but I was lied to which was pretty stupid as I was transracially adopted! My name was taken away from me I was taken away from me and I was renamed if they had used my Chinese name as a middle name that would have been fine but I wasn’t even afforded that option. What makes me even more angry is I see 21st century white adoptive parents making exactly the same “mistakes” or decisions as my unenlightened 60s adoptive parents did. At least they had an excuse ideas about culture and identity had yet to be formed etc. But today what’s the excuse there is none.
  • I’m not angry. I’m hurt. I’m hurt that my birth Mother thinks the system failed her. I’m hurt that my natural citizenship from Canada was taken away from me. I’m hurt that I was taken away from my birth father. I’m hurt that I was discarded both as a baby and as an adult after reunion… I’m hurt that my birth mother cares more about what others think than how I feel. I’m not angry please don’t mistake hurt for anger.
  • I’m angry because I’ve found and been reunited w. Both birth parents but the state of Iowa continues to keep my birth records sealed. Why am I unable to get my information? There is no reason behind this. I want MY OBC!
  • I’m angry because if we feel any negativity towards being taken from our roots, our heritage, our FAMILIES, it’s seen as anger and dismissed. Why can’t we just be sad that we have lost so, so much?….so mostly I am sad, but I am very, very angry that the government decided I would be better off with a married couple without any other support than my loving single mother who was capable of raising me herself, yet had a HUGE extended family. I’m angry that no checks were done, other than to check their marriage cert. That certificate didn’t take away the dysfunction and abuse in the marriage.
  • It gets me angry that I fucking don’t know the beginning of my own life! How am I supposed to live a life when I don’t know how it started!
  • I am angry that we are made to feel ashamed if we express anger because we should be grateful. That our anger is seen as unjustified and that we must have some mental health problem if we are so angry; rather than a normal reaction to a tragedy.
  • I am an angry adoptee because not only was I given up for adoption, but so were my 4 siblings, thankfully I did find them all.
  • Well, I have struggled with anger my entire life. I am a 48 year old adoptee and my Adoptive Father was also an adoptee. We BOTH had/have anger issues. It stems from fear of abandonment, I believe. Anger can creep up at the strangest places. I call these “triggers.” Because we have experienced abandonment at birth, we may not remember it, but it is imprinted on our psyche and we carry that with us our entire lives. Our brains are also hard wired around this event. I also believe that we somehow intuitively know that we do not want to be abandoned ever again and so we will do everything humanly possible to avoid anything we perceive as abandonment.
  • I have read tons of books on the subject of adoption and its effects on the adoptee and this is the conclusion I have come to for today. Our brains are not fully developed at birth. When we babies are taken away from our birth mother, we immediately go into fight or flight mode. Our brains at this age are not able to regulate and handle all the stress that we are experiencing and our systems become overloaded with cortisol and it actually changes how the pathways in our brand-new brains are wired. As a result, I also believe that experiencing this at birth tells us that we are not worthy, capable, entitled, to basic necessities and comforts in life.
  • Anger is also a mask for other emotions that we “believe” we cannot or are not allowed to feel for fear of abandonment. I “can” become angry whenever I am feeling sadness, fear, loneliness, STRESS, being left out, (This is a HUGE, HUGE trigger for me…) or many other feelings. If I stop and think, “What is the underlying emotion that I am feeling right now” or “What is causing me to feel anger right now?,” I can most times avert the anger and deal with what I am really feeling – not always though. Asking for help is another HUGE trigger for me simply because I have three teenaged children who do not always want to help out at home. I f I am having a low energy day and cannot follow through with asking for what I NEED help with, I often become angry. I become angry when I am overwhelmed. The thoughts in my head also tell me incorrect ideas that lead me to believe: I cannot ask for help – for fear of abandonment. I am learning to overcome this, thankfully, after many, many years of hard work. My thoughts also tell me that I cannot do nice things for myself because 1. I cannot afford it, 2. I do not have time, 3. My chores are not done. Etc., Etc., Etc. I also have a VERY bad habit of reading into the thoughts and feelings of others. I f these people do not read my mind and act the way I “Need” then to, I become angry.
  • I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man who is patient and kind. I STILL, to this day, become very angry over silly little things – all because I do not communicate my needs, feelings or wants (in a healthy way) AND I am able to provide myself adequate “Down time” on a consistent basis due to fear of abandonment. Here is one example. My husband is a hunter and every year he plans two hunting trips. Every year we talk and put the trips on the calendar. Every year I become angry at him during this time for several reasons: 1. He is preoccupied with planning for and packing for the trip. (I feel left out) 2. I have not planned a “Get away” for myself in YEARS! (This makes me feel guilty and sad and worn out etc., etc.)
  • In a nutshell, I think we adult adoptees have hidden triggers that creep up in several predictable and sometimes unpredictable places in our lives. These triggers cause us to feel anger because we are covering up emotions that we do not feel we should feel for fear of abandonment.
  • The bottom line is that we had no voice & no choice. It left most of us feeling disenfranchised. It affects every aspect of our lives & our sense of self-worth.
  • It’s as though we were just thrown away to be bought & sold to fulfill someone else’s needs, rather than ours. Even as adults we have to fight to gain any knowledge of our own personal health & family history, our nationality & religious backgrounds, much less to know if we have biological relatives, & to claim our own birth certificates. To get anywhere on our searches costs money & we have to face the potential for rejection from both our adoptive & biological families for doing it.
  • People who were raised in their own family of origin get to take all of that for granted.
  • I’m angry because I don’t have the basic right to be who I am and I have a law that prevents me most of my life from talking to my own mother and father, while strangers who were married took me because they wanted to and because adoption is a form of slavery and child trafficking.
  • Ambiguous grief. Why can’t you be grateful? Most adoptees are.
  • Coercion. *No one* offered to help my first mother raise me. So much for helping “widows and orphans”
  • Hijacking holy writ for personal or financial gain. Interesting that “orphans and widows” are more often than not mentioned together in sacred text, implying vulnerable mothers and children. I remember one important man turning over some tables, or something, with the money changers.
  • Hijacked identity. Give me my OBC.
  • Decades lost with my siblings that wouldn’t have been without closed adoption.
  • I’m angry that the state feels I’m incapable of knowing who my biological parents are, that the adoption industry is profiting by human trafficking and that so many adoptive parents are so insecure that they are threatened by us wanting to know our truths.
  • I’m an angry person … Not sure what it is .. I think people expect you to be thankful, to a certain degree, yes I am but they forget the impact that adoption has on people… All adoptees have issues growing up
  • I am not angry…. I am at loss because I cannot live up to the expectations of the family who adopted me and I can’t go backwards into my biological family because they also had/have certain expectations … who am I
  • I am not angry I am hurt. I grew up in complete filth. I was abandoned at the hospital when I was born.
  • My adoptive mother was in and out of psych wards by whole life and my adoptive father was Satan in disguise.I had no upbringing. I searched not for wants for my health I was told by my adoptive mother I would not be able to walk when I hit my thirties and at 34 I lost some vision and live with extreme muscle pain.
  • I have a hard time because at 78 my birth mother and I am 36 what is the problem….
  • I am angry because I sound desperate. I almost feel like a person begging for food.
  • Am I wrong because I want to know where I come from?
  • Am I wrong because for once I want to feel like I belong?
  • I am more desperate now than ever I wonder all the time looking at my 17 and 14 year old. R they ok. I cry secretly because I wish I could be a better mom like I used to be without these health issues.
  • Anger is a part of the grief & loss process. No one told me I could grieve my losses growing up, so I’m doing it now. I’m 62.
  • Every day is a struggle. I just want to know. I will not burden my birth mother. I would never blame or yell I just want answers a right to know.
  • Because anger gives me energy to handle all the hurts, if I were to just feel my sadness I would fall into a depression. A bit of anger helps me keep my head above water to fight for adoptions laws to change for adoptions to be open, ethical and more support services. I work in adoptions because I am angry with people not doing adoptions correctly and I want to be a part of the solution and help change, influence those around me. I am angry because I did not get a say, my loss was and still not validated. I still don’t get a say. Reunion 24 years. Adoptive parents died 20 years ago; yet I cannot unadopt myself. I cannot legally be my mother’s daughter or my father’s daughter. This makes me angry that I do not have the same self-determination than non-adoptees.
  • Sometimes I have no idea why I am angry, self-worth and abandonment seem to be at the center of the feelings that do not always make sense.
  • Angry because we are told how we should feel, but our own feelings are not validated, even in our own families.
  • What causes me anger as an adoptee was having to hold back my feelings as a child, and of course still now as an adult, with my adoptive parents in order to protect their feelings, as if theirs were the only ones that mattered, and they certainly made it loud and clear that theirs mattered more than mine when it came to wanting to search for my birth mom and asking too many questions about her because they made it very clear from the get-go that they would be very hurt if I searched for her (which I did anyway in secret and found her as an adult)…..I am also angry that the adoptees voices count for nothing, even when they get older, even though it is their fate that is decided by others, and then if we as adoptees want to search, we often have to pay for our own records or in order to search for our birthparents. I am angry that adoptees are now being denied passports; I would have been one of them due to how my birth certificate was filed had I not already had a passport prior to 2011 when they changed the criteria. I am angry that the stark truth is coated with sugar to make everyone feel better when all it does is suppress a lot of feelings in everyone that fester and come out in other ways. I am angry that adoptive parents are told and believe and preach that they can and have loved the adoptee like their own. They have loved to the best of their ability, some of them, but it will never be the same as their own biological child, and everyone knows that somewhere deep inside. We as adoptees were most of their second choices after they tried and failed at having a biological child of their own. We were their second choice and we will always feel second best through the rest of our lives for everything. And at the same time we were their savior, saving them from childlessness which is a huge burden to place on a child, and they do place a lot on our shoulders. I am angry that so many people think we as adoptees should be grateful because our adoptive parents saved us so we should shut our mouths to any gripes we have about them and be eternally thankful towards them. I am angry that I never felt like I fit in and that I had a huge identity crisis my entire life until I found my birthparents to confirm what I did internally know about myself so that I felt explained and I felt like I understood why I was the way I am so I didn’t feel so out of place, I finally feel accepted and finally know why I was drawn to all I was drawn to, why I react to things as I do and where my talents and interests and values and quirks come from. I am angry that I have to live a double life as a 37 year old to hide from my adoptive parents that I have found my birth mom to protect their feelings because it’s all about them (which as a parent of my own biological child, it should never be that way imho)…….
  • I’m angry that when I say these things I get told I just had a bad adoption, angry that adoption truth is hidden along with my identity and family. The most sacred bond of family is destroyed by adoption, cruel and barbaric, extreme, insanity; imagine preventing family association, absolutely disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I’m angry because the government says I have no right to know who I am or where I came from….that the 14th amendment doesn’t apply to me.
  • I’m angry because I’m expected to be grateful for losing my mother. Non adoptees take so much for granted and are not willing to understand our loss and our grief. If one more fucking person tells me I’m lucky I’m about ready to give them an earful. I had to disguise my grief so as not to upset my adopters. I’m angry that I was given to people old enough to be my grandparents who thought a shed was an appropriate home. They didn’t legally adopt me till I was 16 and they kept that a secret, although all my ‘friends’ knew. I’m angry that I don’t belong with either my adoptive or birth families. They’re aliens to me. I didn’t search till it was too late. My mother was dead. I delayed because I didn’t want to hurt my adopters! My male adopter (wouldn’t dignify him with the title father) was an abusive drunk. They were totally insensitive to my feelings. They never talked about my adoption… Well there wasn’t one when I was growing up. They were totally clueless that I was seriously depressed. I hate them and I hate my birth relatives. They too are totally insensitive. My cousin showed me a ring of my mothers, never thinking that I’m her daughter and it should be mine. Why am I angry???? Sheesh!
  • I think frustrated is a better descriptor than angry. Frustrated and over being silenced, lied to and treated like wayward children.
  • I’m angry because I’ve never seen my own birth certificate.
  • I’m angry because I was lied to for 34 years. I didn’t discover I was adopted until I was an adult when my birth mother found me. The “better” family I went to was emotionally and physically abusive. I’m angry that I missed knowing my biological family for so long. Birth mom searched for ten years before finding me. Numerous relatives including birth father died during that time. Health history that would have been very valuable (and thus avoiding several tests I “needed” based on adoptive family history) to me. I’m angry because no one supported my mother in raising me instead of making me out to be a shameful secret. I’m angry that my adoptive family denied my mental health issues when they would have been addressed openly in my bio family (all my siblings have some kind of issue that the family deals with openly and honestly). I’m angry that my birth mom didn’t make the cake at my wedding. I’m angry that we have missed so many important days together.
  • I’m not angry as much as hurt. I believe I was discarded and sold (that’s the way adoption agency’s work)I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family and as a result I feel like I can’t speak the truth to my bio-family as to how I was raised, bottom line I don’t think anyone has ever loved me, wanted me, cared about me without ulterior motive. I’ve been alone my whole life. I’m hurt because I people use words like we know what’s best for you, and that’s a lie they know what’s best for them or what they want. And now I lie-to my adopted family, that it’s ok that I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and I lie to my bio-family that I had a childhood(I’m trying to protect them) The truth is I was born alone and will probably die alone and everybody will say they did their best.
  • I was told as a 9 year old when my ‘adoption issues’ first presented, that adoption had nothing to do with any of my issues. A lock step of denial that adoption had any ill effects at all was the party line in my AP’s house after that. My adoptive mother abused and neglected me and my adoptive father did nothing to stop it. Yes I have anger at the adoption industry that continues to profit.
  • I’m angry because I’m in-between two females being my mother yet when I met ones family they all say I look like them and to top it off I can’t have my obc adoptive parents know what lady it is and her last name but will not tell me . I’ve been lied to abused and I’m down right sick of the lies.
  • I’m angry because my birth fathers rights were stripped. In the 1970’s things were much different, but it’s still happening today! This makes me angry. I missed out on a lifetime with him, and my sibling. This can’t be undone, or replaced.
  • I’m angry, because the government does not deem me worthy of having my original birth certificate. Even my dogs have their original birth certificates; I, however, am not allowed to. I would NOT change anything about my life insofar as being adopted, my adopted parents – who were the best parents anyone could have ever have — the only thing I ask for is be treated with respect as a human being – I have the right to know who I am, where I come from and who I come from and my ancestry – I don’t think that’s asking too much.
  • My parents adopted me, and then treated me like shit. People always ask me “Why did they adopt you?” It’s the million dollar question. The closest I could come to was that I was a lemon for them and they had buyer’s remorse. For some reason I still hung on, from the fringes and it wasn’t until I read this page that it occurred to me that I could simply let go and just walk away from the pain of being an outcast in my adoptive immediate family. I haven’t yet let go, and maybe I won’t but it really sucks to feel like you were rejected twice and still feel a connection to people who for all insensitive purposes…don’t want me. It does give me some measure of comfort that at some point, should I chose to I can decide to divorce my family and just be me, not defined by them and all that I endured as their “Mistake”.
  • I’m angry that my adopted Mother was so desperate for a child that she ignored the wishes of my natural Mother. I know she knew. I’m angry that my natural Grandmother was a coward who sent the Doctor in to pull me away. I’m angry at my natural Grandfather who said he’d throw my mom out on the street if she kept me. I’m a angry that there was no advocate for her and me and that it wasn’t anyone her family. I’m angry at the pain she went through, enough to experience the feeling of not wanting to be because I love her.
  • I’m angry because I was robbed of my culture and heritage, and I’m not a transracial adoptee. I was adopted to a couple who were not good parents – they were extreme narcissists who demanded a culture of denial. I figured out early that it was my job to meet their needs (not the other way around).  They allowed a grandfather to sexually abuse me, and although they knew it was going on, they kept that man as a member of the family. Just another indignity an 8 year old had to endure to keep the peace. I was verbally ridiculed and minimized, and physically abused. I kept quiet until I was in my 50s. Now old family friends don’t want to believe it and want to cast me as an ungrateful adoptee. Ungrateful for what??
  • I’d like to add that I don’t thank my biomother for giving me life. I don’t know why this is part of the social myth of adoption. Either have us and keep us or don’t have us, but don’t have us and give us away, and try to claim some moral high ground. Being abandoned and left to strangers creates deep wounds that last a lifetime, and are passed to the next generation. Many times I considered suicide, after all, my history, culture, and identity were killed, what part of me is left?
  • This is the anger talking, which comes from the deep well of hurt we carry. We may be fortunate enough to find our strength and self esteem, but we often don’t feel valued by the world, so our self-worth sucks. I am angry that we have to work so hard to overcome adoption in order to survive and thrive. I’m angry that many of us can’t.
  • I’m angry because a social worker shut down my search when I was 15 by telling me that my biomother probably wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her. Forty years later, I searched again, only to find both parents dead.
  • I’m angry because the loneliness and genetic confusion of adoption is passed down to the next generation when our kids don’t know who their true ancestors are unless we undertake a financially and emotionally costly search that is fraught with obstacles, rejection, and ignorant “experts”.
  • I’m angry because the non-adoption community is so bloody ignorant, yet full of self-righteous opinions. I’m angry because adoption is child trafficking pure and simple, and has become glamorized by Hollywood and the powerful – so that adoptees don’t have a voice.
  • I’m now in my 50s. I am still angry (that’s not the right word – I’m furious, enraged, deeply saddened, distraught) about being given away. My adoption was miserable. I felt disconnected, filled with self-loathing, inferior. I was told I was special, but how could I be special when inside I felt dirty and bad. My adoptive mother was abusive and completely dominated my adoptive father. Looking back, I think she was probably a narcissistic personality – she wanted children because it was part of her perfect package, but couldn’t accept my sister and I for the people we were. I wasn’t their child, I wasn’t what they wanted. I was their last resort. The other week, I suddenly burst into tears in public, at the thought that my birth mother had abandoned me in a children’s home at four weeks old. I’ve never done that before. I suppose that was grief showing itself – and I’m scared that so much grief is still inside me. Unlike many adoptees, I found my birth parents. And for me, this was the twist in the tail. Both my birth parents are self-absorbed and irresponsible. Much to my disbelief, I discovered that my birth mother had the choice to keep me – a former boyfriend who still cared about her, wanted to marry her and raise me as his own child. But she chose not to, telling me it wouldn’t have been right because she didn’t love him. A year later, she went ahead and married him anyway. And on top of that, when I met her, she used me to try to re-establish contact with my birth father. I understand that losing a child to adoption caused her irreparable pain. But I have no words to describe what I’ve lived with throughout my life, and what that discovery did to me – the self-doubt, the hatred, the isolation blew up almost out of control. Adoption is destruction. Ties are broken and can’t be fixed. A baby’s development, emotional and mental, is radically altered by the adoption experience. Why, when so many ‘minority’ groups can have a voice in society, are the voices of adoptees still smothered? I detest the hypocrisy that human life is sacred – if we truly believed that, adoption as it is now would no longer exist. Don’t have a child and give it away. Keep it, or don’t go through with the pregnancy.
  • I have said I choose who is my family. The thing about that is, they don’t feel the same about you. People always treat their blood differently. They care about them more. They will do more for them. On top of that I ended up in a family I don’t mesh with. I struggle to socialize with them. I don’t know how. My parents love me as their own, the extended family doesn’t. I also feel I have a right to know who I am. I am stuck in this never ending identity crisis.
  • You really hit the nail on the head. I am angry that the court, which symbolizes justice, approved and arranged for me to live out my life as a secret (it was a closed adoption) even from myself. I am angry that I normalized being a secret to the point that I was willing to participate in other relationships where I was required to be a secret. I couldn’t see the selfishness and the lack of respect these people were showing me. Like a child I still believed I was still being protected by being kept a secret! I am also angry about being a receptacle for the shame, resentment, and disappointment both my mothers feel about their own actions. Lastly I am angry about how non-adopted people responded when I searched. Eventually I experienced a secondary rejection from my birthmother. People asked about the well-being of both sets of parents at this time. Some expressed sorrow and compassion for my birthmother who rejected me. Others praised my adoptive parents for their patience and support. No one asked me how I was doing or how I felt about being rejected again. When I tried to voice my feelings someone said, “Hey, this isn’t a competition you know.”
  • Angry; because since my older sister turned 17 and decided to seek out our biological mom, my adopted mother believes that she is a victim.. in some cases, she may be, but that didn’t give her the right to treat me any different because I wanted to know where I came from. Now it is years later; and I do NOT even talk to my biological family, none of them. In my adopted families eyes; I am now an adult and on my own which I agree with, but please, let the past go. No matter what decision I made, It was “MY” decision.  Some information for anyone thinking about adopting; NOT everyone will want to meet their biological’s, but if they do, don’t hold it against them; or think they do not love you.
  • I was having a bad day and finally I journaled and what I am most angry about and hurt about adoption is why I could not be loved? What was so difficult about loving a child? I was never told. My life in a lot of ways “mirrors” yours. I too am angry that the government or anyone else who helped keep me a “secret”. I do love my adoptive parents and always will. (They both passed 3 years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was mistreated finally made sense. I don’t know what it’s like to have that “unconditional” love. I was always looking to be a part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was told “NO”. I have no contact with my siblings. Everything was always in my “head”. I was also raised in the military. My biological father was KIA before I was born. So many lies & secrets. I always used to feel like I wasn’t good enough. “It’s my fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of triggers. I need to start talking about how adoption hurt me and how many times I have been wounded. How the hell am I going to make it through this? I have my faith back, even more so and even though I have my struggles. It’s not half as bad as what I went through. There is just so much I don’t understand right now and for my sanity, I WANT FU*&IN answers damn it!! I do understand and no matter how hard I search I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some and when I did see myself and some “prominent” features in a picture it floored me because I was so unprepared. I called back “home” wanting to talk to my sister and I told my other sister that I’m pretty sure my dad confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because how could I not trust my gut instinct? I’m learning to trust now, but those abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling a part of a family. I’m scared shitless though and because I have made mistakes before domestic violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I f’ing know why the f*&k people would question me when I told them I was Hispanic. My whole f’ing life I’ve been checking the “Hispanic” block because although raised military my “parents” were Hispanic. I have dark hair, so now I check the “Other” block. This would have been easier when I was younger, maybe. I have gone a long time being a secret and a lie. One day at a time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My ANGER comes from the abuse, lies, cover ups, feeling like the reason why I could not be truly loved was my fault. I’m able to give love, by the grace of God. I can always feel when I see a child if they are hurting. I have children and they loved their grandparents a lot and are close to my siblings. This is another journey I feel I’m taking on my own. – Adult Adoptee
  • I was having a bad day today and finally I journaled and what I am Most Angry About and Hurt is Why Could I not be Loved? What was so difficult about Loving a Child? I was Never Told. My Life in a lot of ways “Mirrors ” Yours. I too am Angry at the Government or anyone else who helped keep me a ” Secret”. I do Love my Adopted Parents and I always will ( They both passed away three years ago). In saying that, it’s also because I have had to forgive them in order to finally let go. I now Understand all the feelings I had growing up and how I was Mistreated finally Made Sense. I Don’t know what it’s like to have that ” Unconditional ” Love, I was always looking to be part of another family. I asked if I was adopted several times growing up and I was Told “No”. I have no Contact with My Siblings. Everything was Always in my ” Head”. I was also raised in the Military. My bio Father was KIA before I was Born. So Many Lies, So Many Secrets. I Always used to feel like I wasn’t Good Enough. I was Abused too. I have to fight that old Recorder that tells me ” I am Not Good Enough”, ” It’s My Fault what happened to me”. I make excuses for their Behavior. I have had to learn to finally let go of people. I have P.T.S.D and there are lots of Triggers. I need to start talking about how Adoption hurt me and how many times I have been Wounded thinking, ” How The Hell Am I Going To Make Through This ?” I have my Faith Back, even more so and even though I have my struggles, It’s not half as bad as What I Went Through. There is just so Much I don’t Understand right now, And For My Sanity……. I want Fuckin Answers Damn It!!!! So, I do Understand and no matter How Hard I Search, I may never find those answers. I have information because I have found some, and when You do see Your Self and some ” Prominent” Features in A Picture, It Floors You because I was so unprepared. I called back ” Home” wanting to talk to my sister, and I told My other Sister that I am Pretty Sure My Dad Confided in her prior to his passing. Nothing. I also get upset because How could I Not Trust My Guy Instinct. I am Learning to trust it now, but Those Abandonment fears are coming up because recently I have been feeling part of A Family. I am Scared Shitless Though and because I have Made Mistakes before Domestic Violence, I don’t want to make them again. Now I Fucking Know Why the Fuck People would question Me when I told them I was ” Hispanic”. My Whole Fuckin Life I have been Checking the ” Hispanic ” block because Although raised Military, My ” Parents ” were  Hispanic. I have Dark hair. So now I Check ” Other”. This shit would of been Easier when 100% I was Younger ( Maybe).I have gone A Long Time being A ” Secret” and A Lie”. One Day At A Time, otherwise it would be much worse trying to digest all this. My Anger Comes From The Abuse, The Lies, The Cover ups, Feeling like The reason why I could not be truly loved was because it was My Fault. I am able to give Love ( by the grace of God) and I can Always feel when I see a Child if they are hurting. I have Children and They Loved their Grandparents A lot and are close to My Sibs. This is Another Journey that I feel like I am Taking on My Own. Thanks For Posting These. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress. – Adult Adoptee
  •  I agree with the statements above.Loneliness, stigma, trauma, abuse, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders, sleep hyper vigilance, distrust from others, nature, nurture and the environment and being rejected by everyone, mocked at and humiliated for being different.People around either neglect or despise the facts, call me boring and are totally insensitive and never listen to an adoptee’s reasons. The Primal wound, that is, the separation from mother is a disintegration of the self and no one cares about us.We are faced with terror and abuse and no one cares because usually (I wasn’t even adopted, I think ,I was stolen from my mother dying from hunger and depression),.It’s a life of lies and lots of repressed rage which we are forbidden to express. adding to this I was hated by my adoptive family.It’s very hard to survive after all that.Nothing seem credible, long lasting or possible.It’ s torture and only through an immense amount of self-sacrifices (tragic sacrifices, self-victimization, etc) did I survive? – Adult Adoptee
  •  I am angry because when I was in my 20’s and was talking about some feelings concerning my adoption my adoptive mother replied: “I would have thought that you were over that by now”. When I was 25 and lost my job and therefore couldn’t pay my rent I came back to their home, the only place I had to go and my father said that I couldn’t stay because my adoptive mother couldn’t handle it, so I left with enough money to buy a train ticket and luckily ended up staying with the girl I had known for 10 days – it might not have worked out but she then became my wife. This is strange because my adoptive sister went back there and stayed long enough to get a new job and move into a flat. My adoptive brother moved back there and ended up staying for 25 years! All I wanted was some time at my parents’ place to destress and get my head together. I am also angry that when my adoptive parents passed away they left all of their assets in a trust with the trustees being my two adoptive sisters and adoptive brother. They made my adoptive other brother who is mentally impaired a discretionary beneficiary, which is very understandable as he has special needs that his three sibling trustees need to meet. What I am angry about is that my adoptive parents in their will also made ME a discretionary beneficiary. I could only put this down to the fact that I was adopted and also perhaps to keep my adoptive mentally impaired brother ‘company’ so that he didn’t feel left out – in effect I was sacrificed for his benefit. A discretionary beneficiary is someone with mental problems, unable to deal with finances and daily life on his own or of a young age, needing to be aided and guided by the trustees. None of these apply to me: When I learnt of my discretionary beneficiary status I was 46 years old. Now I am 52 years old and have been married for 26 years, have two adult children, a home owner and joint owner a limited company and yet was selected to be the only other discretionary beneficiary. This means that I am not a part of the adoptive parents’ ongoing legacy and am an owner of none of their assets. The trustees cannot disclose anything to me and I am simply informed, when appropriate, of any monies that they decide can be given to me. This makes me angry and sidelined, especially as I was brought up to be made to believe that I was the same as my adoptive siblings – made to believe that I was of equal status. What also makes me angry is that although I was always made to believe that I was adopted I dug deeper to ask if it was reasonable that I should be made a discretionary beneficiary with social services and when they looked at my case history they found that I was never actually adopted, just fostered. My adoptive siblings talk of my parents and great grand parents, i.e. their biological ancestors as if they are all mine and have a big family tree with me at the top, but none of these people have anything in common with me genetically and now that I know that I was never adopted I am not even legally bonded to them either, having just really lived in limbo between my adoptive and biological families. – Adult Adoptee
  • I am angry because I am 52 years old and have been brainwashed all of my life to believe that I was “chosen” while the fact that I was torn away from my natural mother was swept under the rug like it didn’t matter or wouldn’t have an impact on me for the rest of my life. I am angry because if my 15 year old mother had received the support she needed to keep me, instead of being judged, shamed and beaten down, I might have known what it’s like to feel whole. I am angry because my adoptive parents weren’t educated on the problems I would have as a result of being torn away from my natural mother and I did not receive the validation, recognition or support I needed to deal with that trauma. I am angry that even though I have met and been in connect with my natural family for 34 years, I still don’t fit or feel whole. I am angry that these things are still happening in 2018 to other innocent babies and children who are expected to fulfill everyone else’s needs while being ‘trained’ to ignore and bury their own needs. Needs that go unrecognized, unacknowledged and unsupported by the vast majority of society, medical and mental health professionals, religious institutions, child welfare agencies, and discriminatory laws.
  • Why do we have to be labeled as Angry. That makes me Angry. I’m lost in pain. I should be i was rejected in the womb and ripped away from the womb and placed in unfamiliar surroundings as an baby . It’s haunting. I’m tired of all the labels placed on me mental, angry, angry adopted child…. I’m not mental and I’m not angry I’m hurt….. it hurts me that they give so much attention to the parents…. and not the baby or child… I get it that it’s got to be hard giving your baby away but it’s a 100 times harder on the baby… come on we all know what it takes to make a baby.. if you don’t want to deal with the pain of giving a baby away don’t make one… I have to live with all my mistakes… we all make them… but dam… why can’t we have a chance in life to be free of the haunting experience of being ripped away from what has been familiar for 9 months… if i want to be hurt or angry I have that right… it doesn’t make me bad …
  • I am angry because my mother never believed that her family (cousins) said racist things to me “She’s not really our cousin look how dirty her skin is.” (5 years old) She made blood more important. I’m angry because she made me compete with a child who never existed “You’re the only fat family member” . I am angry because the parent that understood me and loved me as me died and I am left with a dependent abusive alcoholic narcissist who can hide her true self to everyone else. Everyone allows her to drink and when she’s at the point where she’s no longer fun they dump her onto me and I hear about how I am a “disappointing alien child. Go find your real parents cause you’re a selfish ungrateful thing I regret.”
  • I don’t really know why I am so angry. Every time I come with a reason that makes sense to me I immediately contradict my own self with “plugged in” responses that I have heard my whole life therefore my inner self talk becomes plagues by doubt about my feelings & I end up repressing my feelings & go on with the same daily routine burying the attempt to expose what is making me angry. I am many time my own victim.
  • There are three of us , that my parents adopted. Could not have had better. I was very sick as a child, my parents took me to every Dr, within the area, where I grew up. But my siblings, stayed with and Aunt, that did not treat them well. We grew up not ever calling my parents brothers and sisters, Aunt and Uncle. Strange, everyone else did. Odd, one Aunt that lived far from us, we called them Aunt, and Uncle. We would go for Christmas the odd year, and gifts would be exchanged. I Loved them very much, the only one on my fathers side. And the very opposite on my Mothers side, to my Fathers, everyone treated us like we belonged. When my Grandparents passed, everyone of them, we were very young, not knowing at that time we were adopted, let alone what that meant, did not receive a memento from any Grandparents , that was very hard , knowing other Grandchildren did. We didn’t know any difference, we loved them, they were our Family, or so we thought. At a family reunion once, an issue occurred, I stepped up to defend this Uncle, my Aunt, on my fathers side, looked at me, and right out said, head back, shoulders stern, said to me, and who do you think you are? Well I cried, told my Father, and to my surprise, said nothing. That following day, I said to my adopted sister what took place, and said I think I’m adopted, she said no, you look to much like Mom, but I’ll tell you, I am, she found out two years prior. Well that following work day. On got on the phone and looked into my adoption, sure enough, within weeks I got a call, then the paperwork. Yes I did find my birth family. My situation was different, one I’m not sure my story to tell. But parents split, Mother on her own, no income, two older sisters , my father took to raise. My parents all, round, did what was best. I do have continuing health issues, I am Doctoring for, and greatful for a sister whom has offered to be tested to see if she can help. So the issue is not always with the parents, but other family members. Their loss.
  • I am angry because I have no idea who I am or where I come from. I’ve met my biological mother, absolutely no connection there. I asked her who my father was, she told me she didn’t remember…..Bullshit! When I tell my wife about things like this, she says ” Did you consider how she feels?” I say it’s not about her, remember…she had a choice. My biological mother has never made any attempts to tell her story, so again I don’t know. I remember growing up and people telling me how ” lucky ” I was because I was chosen? Oh, yea? give a try some time, and tell yourself how lucky you are. I’m 48 years old and still feel at odds with everything around me. I feel like I’m either 10 years ahead or 10 years behind. I have serious trust issues, even with friends. I wonder if I will ever have peace in my life.
  • I’m adopted and can certainly relate to many reasons why to be angry. Life goes on and I’m more angry of how I get treated like an outsider by my adopted family now as an adult. Snobs can all go jump in a lake for all I care.
  • I am justifiably angry that adoptive parents and society put so much effort into being saviors, in turn meeting their own needs and not ours and as a result expect us to be eternally grateful. Why not have placed more effort in helping my family stay together and keep me as a part of it. For that I would not only have been grateful, I would also be functional with none of the burden of the primal wound I carry today from not only being separated from my parents but from being sexually and emotionally abused for eight years by the family I was given to. Better off, I beg to differ.
  • I am angry because for 57 years I wasted my time thinking I had to fit in with my adopted family, I am angry because no matter what my adoptive parents say when they had their own kids I was treated as an outsider. I am angry that the government made it almost impossible for me to connect with my biological mother. I am angry when I think back to incidents where I desperately needed my adoptive mother to just hug me and she never did, when I needed my adoptive parents just to listen and they never did, I am angry that they always treated me differently that they then went on to totally reject me when I was a teen. But mostly I am angry that it took me this long to realize that these people are not worth my time or effort.
  • I’m angry that my birth and my history are still a huge question on my mind although I’ve been in reunion for 20 years. I’m angry that people feel the need to keep secrets about MY past and birth. Most of all I’m angry because I’ve doubted myself and questioned what’s wrong with me my entire life, why can’t somebody answer these questions Sometimes it’s life or dress.
  • I’m angry because most adoptive parents don’t have the willingness to read something like this to help understand adoptees better. They label us and say “we just had a bad adoption experience” Adoption in itself is a bad experience, yet they refuse to listen to us! The world refuses to listen to us! Well someone better be angry because of all the voiceless adoptees who haven’t made it on this earth. Who’s going to stand up for them? Adoptees who attempt suicide are 4x more likely than non-adoptees. When are you people going to start listening to adult adoptees? We have to make lists like this so you won’t shut us down? WAKE UP. I will continue to be angry until you WAKE UP! Someone has to be angry for change to happen! #ihaveavoice I will use it!
  • As a 46 year old adult who was adopted in 1975 I’m angry at the system which failed to perform thorough psychological evaluations on my prospective adoptive parents. Turns out one is a narcissist and the other has Asperger’s syndrome. Quite the one-two punch for a child growing up in an unfamiliar genetic environment. I believe the prevailing wisdom of the day was “adopted kids are a blank canvas, and will grow up to be however you make them to be…” Like I was some sort of mini-Mr. Potato Head or something. The couple who adopted me were nice enough people to the rest of the world but they constantly treated me like some type of malfunctioning machine. I demonstrated high intelligence and musical talent from an early age, yet was told pursuing my life as a musician was out of the question. They steered me instead towards their own interests (religion & science), neither of which I cared for. All I ever heard was “we know what’s best for you”, even as the loneliness, ostracizing, and lack of personal identity drove me into crime, heavy drug abuse and suicidal thoughts. Nobody appeared to care about ME, they only cared about how I measured up to their expectations – which I failed at basically every time. I’m a grown adult now, lonely as hell, looking back on a childhood of regrets. I don’t speak with them anymore and likely never will. After an exhaustive search I finally managed to uncover the identity of my birth mother – she died almost 30 years ago.

Can any adoptees relate to these posts?

For any adoptees who read this that would like to be added to this poll, feel free to enter your feelings below. Please allow 4-6 weeks for your submission to be added to this list.

Many Blessings to all, and thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova AKA @pamelakaranova

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