We’ve heard it all for centuries, especially in the adoption community.
“ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE”
Well I’m here to express my desire to not only have love but my truth. Love wasn’t all I needed.
I needed my truth
THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN
Yes, you guessed it. I’m an adult adoptee who has grown into my own woman. I have developed my own opinion, and I have been on a healing journey for 3 years now, attempting to heal from the lifelong struggles being adopted have brought my way. When I was growing up you weren’t supposed to talk about it. The less adoptive parents talked about it the better. Well, that was probably the worst advice that could have ever been given to adoptive parents.
TODAY…
I don’t have to be quiet, because it’s not a secret anymore. It might have been in the 1970’s but those days are over.
John 8:32 Says, “We shall know our TRUTH, and our TRUTH shall set us free”.
This scripture is what I stand on for all adoptees all over the world that are fighting to find their truths.
Love is good. Love is great. Love isn’t everything. Love definitely wins. But Love isn’t all I needed.
I believe all adoptees are different. Some are perfectly content with not knowing who they look like or where they come from. They don’t need to know their answers. A lot of times adoptive parents come to me and say, “Jonny is fine with being adopted, I ask him how he feels and he says “Fine”, and he never brings it up. He appears to be happy.”
I think parents, adopted or not naturally want to protect their kids. I find this to come natural as a parent of 3 children. I would never want my poor kid’s hearts broken, but the truth is when you adopt a child, you adopt their broken, tainted, tore history while you adopt them. You also adopt the beautiful history some of us have. It’s a part of them. I believe when you adopt a child, you have to accept this as a part of the child, and learn that there will be a day that child will start asking questions about their first family. They deserve to know their truth.
If LOVE was all I needed I would have been in great shape growing up. I believe with my entire heart that my adoptive parents and family LOVED me with everything they knew how. I have always been closer to my adoptive dad, yet he has always been so far away. But he’s been amazing. His wife, my step mother of over 35 years has also loved me the best way she knew how. We’ve all had a roller coaster ride over the years, but at the end of the day I know they have loved me, and they haven’t lied to me to gain anything. I respect them for that.
I still needed all the answers to my history. I needed my truth. I needed to know who my siblings were. I wanted to meet my biological grandparents. I have searched for every clue to WHO I AM and learned that I’m not like anyone of them! I’m the child God created me to be, but I needed to know and see this for myself. I needed to make the choices on my own, without everyone telling me and making the choice for me.
Saying “Love is all we need” is like putting a band-aide on our wounds. They are still deep down there and will surface as root issues later on in life.
THE TRUTH HAS HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET.
I experienced failed reunions and rejection from both birth parents, yet I am happy every day I got one AMAZING brother out of the deal, and his AWESOME siblings have accepted me as their own. I will always be grateful for them, and their relationships. ALTHOUGH THE TRUTH HURT, I WOULD RATHER KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, AND BE ABLE TO HEAL THROUGH JESUS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE!!!!
We can’t heal if we don’t know our truth.
If I can share something with all my fellow adoptees out there, I would like to say to never give up hope in finding your truth and as much as it hurts to say, be prepared for anything. Most of the time relinquishment isn’t a “Pretty Story”. I most certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from searching, but reach out to another adoptee that can pray for you, or help walk you through the emotions of the reunion and search experience.
My reunion doesn’t define me. My biological parents don’t define me. My adoptive parents don’t define me. My history doesn’t define me.
They are indeed a part of my Her [Story] – History!
WHO I AM IN JESUS DEFINES ME!
I learned I’m really not like anyone, yet God made me (and YOU) special and unique in his own way. After learning what I know about my birth parents, TODAY I’m extremely thankful I’m not like any of them. The difference is, I know JESUS and neither of them did/do. I have his peace. I don’t have to drink today to handle these emotions, and the pain that goes along with this journey. Being adopted is a lifelong thing, it doesn’t just go away. This is something I will be working through for the rest of my life.
LOVE IS GREAT & LOVE WINS
But LOVE isn’t all I needed.
I needed my TRUTH
I thank GOD today, I’m no longer fighting for my truth.
How do my fellow adoptees feel?
Is love all you need?
Pamela A. Karanova,
Adult Adoptee Reunited
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Pamela Karanova 
I agree with you, in part. I believe, as adoptees, love didn’t win. It wasn’t enough to keep mother and child together. Adoption won, and for many, that wasn’t a picture of love. I’ve never met my first mom. I wonder if she loved me? But, I love my amom. And, she certainly, unconditionally, loves me. Yet, you’re right, love isn’t all I need. I need my story; my history. It didn’t begin the day I was born, it began long before that.
The other side of that is the place where I live today. In this place, in this part of my story, I choose love. Love wins. It’s the way I treat the people that may or may not understand me. It’s a choice to wake up and be bitter or angry over circumstances that were out of my control or wake up and be kind, and loving to myself and people around me.
Not only was love not enough to keep mothers and babies together in many cases, but it was used against many of us! “If you really love your baby you’ll let her go to have a better life than you can provide.”
Well written and said. As an adoptee, My journey to find the truth has been extremely frustrating to say the least. Thanks to you and Sandy at least I know that it wasn’t from a lack of funds to pursue nor willing and loving people that understand just how important this is. I will not give up hope but thanks to you, God and recovery i have some peace and acceptance. Keep up the good work.
BRAVA!!! WELL SAID! the truth can hurt but it always sets you free! I always tell people on the brink of searching…If you set your goal for the truth, you will not be disappointed no matter what you find: good, bad or indifferent. And even if doors are slammed in your face and no one actually answers “why” – at least you know you tried and hopefully saw them once before they slammed the door. Don’t write a letter. It’s too safe and too easy to ignore. Don’t call. When you find the, it may seem very rude, but go to their front door, and at least see them once. AND, you can always follow up with a letter of apology and hope for the future, but… If they are open and have been waiting for you, your seeming rudeness will not matter. If they are closed off with fear and shame, no politeness will cut through.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a shame that it’s a “new” practice to have open adoption and/or information for the kids. We have lifebooks with pictures of our children’s bio family. Unfortunately, our open adoption shut quickly because the biological parents refused to accept any visits or even photos/updates from the kids. Our story is a bit different because we adopted somewhat older children from foster care. I wish you all of the best on your journey. I cannot wait to read more. I think I will learn a lot from your blog. Feel free to check out Herding Chickens at http://www.heardingchickens.wordpress.com
Love is nice but it’s not enough. The truth is precious no matter how horrible it is. I never knew my biological parents but I’ve learned about their lives. For the last six years, I’ve uncovered facts and stories about my bio mother and father. Both were deceased when I learned their identities. Talking to people who knew my biological mom, I’ve heard many troubling stories and comments mixed with neutral facts and anecdotes about her difficult childhood. My biological father was not a model husband or father but in spite of his failings, his children loved him. I feel satisfied and complete to know something about the parents who created me. The truth is beautiful even when it’s ugly.
I needed THIS today as I am struggling. Thank you
I am an adoptee whose therapist has been using IFS for a while now. Very helpful!