Seeing adoption as a beautiful thing would mean I would have to ignore the original separation between mother and child before the adoption took place. It would mean I would put on a happy face about a mother and child being separated. It would mean I would celebrate children being taken from their homelands to AMERICA where they feel like aliens, and they had NO CHOICE in the matter. I have a very soft spot in my heart for every single adopted person because I KNOW that JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ADOPTED WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR LIFE AND WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY PAIN ATTACHED TO IT.
BUT WE DO AND MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH SIMPLY BEING ALIVE!
IT’S HARD TO FEEL ALIVE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE NEVER BORN!
For every adoption to take place, that child FIRST HAD TO LOOSE THEIR ORIGINAL IDENTITY, BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES, MEDICAL HISTORY ,and much more.
I cannot ignore this and I will not ignore the loss, grief & trauma attached to adoption so the world can feel “comfortable” it doesn’t equate me as a mean angry person.
It just means I’m HONEST and I choose to look at the whole pie not just a piece of it.
I HAVE CHOSEN TO TAKE THE BLINDERS. YOU CAN DO THE SAME.
IF ONE MORE NON-ADOPTEE STOPS AND LISTENS AND TRIES TO LEARN I AM COMPLETING WHAT I NEED TO HERE ON EARTH. Not to mention being there for my fellow adoptees!
My life has many beautiful aspects to it but being adopted is not one of them. I am thankful for many things in life but being adopted is not one of them.
The Sky is beautiful. Nature is beautiful. Colors are beautiful.
I’m thankful for my recovery. I’m thankful for my kids. I’m thankful God has rescued me. I’m thankful for the amazing people in my life.
But I don’t think adoption is beautiful and I am not thankful I was adopted.
My pain is too great to be able to celebrate that “thing” that is the cause of my pain. If you experienced the pain adoption brings to an adoptee you might agree. If you aren’t an adoptee, you have no idea.
I searched and was reunited with my biological family doesn’t mean I love my adoptive family any less.
We are each born with a natural instinct to want to know who we are and where we come from. I believe it is inside each and every one of us, some stronger than others. For me, this desire was so strong it haunted me my entire life. It was torture not knowing. But my decision to search and find had absolutely no waver on loving or not loving my adoptive family. The 2 are totally separate. Unfortunately most adoptees feel we have to keep the 2 separate to make everyone feel “comfortable” when reality is we all have enough love to go around and we should be able to be comfortable blending our 2 families together because they are ALL a part of us. Sadly being born somewhere in the middle of 2 families many of us feel we can’t do that. We are made to feel guilty and from a very early age we are shamed in many ways about our first families. Mine was split. My adoptive dad is AMAZING, and his wife also. They have always been 100% honest about everything regarding my adoption. They are supportive but I have always felt I had to keep things separate, but this is not just my case. Many adoptees feel this way. I have no relationship with my adoptive mom so she is not in my equation. My adoptive siblings and cousins who I communicate with are ride or die and I love them all. They have been supportive and I love them for that.
For those who are in my “family” whether it is biological or adoptive whom might be lurking on my page but we have no relationship- “HI, I hope life is treating you well!”
What if adoptees could have a family reunion with both our adoptive and biological families together? Family reunions are another sad spot for me, but I won’t go there today. We could introduce everyone and share stories with each person on how life was, and talk about fun happy times and new beginnings. WOW. That is a rare find for us. I’m not sure if that has ever happened with my fellow adoptees? Has it? It certainly hasn’t for me.
I share my story doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past, focused on the negative and one ungrateful angry adoptee.
I share my story so I can let my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once was. I share it for them. I share it because I want the world to know where God has rescued me from. GOD ALWAYS GETS THE GLORY IN MY STORY! Please believe I wouldn’t be here today without my Heavenly Father! I share this because I am no longer a victim but I live in VICTORY. I share it because adoption hurts and I am on a healing journey. I share it because there is freedom in sharing. I share it because my story matters and your story matters. Why don’t you share your story so you can tell the world what God has done for you? I share it because the most painful thing in my life happens to be from being adopted and I never had ANY resources available to ME to help me work through my pain until I found Celebrate Recovery in 2012 and I started writing in 2011. Find a Celebrate Recovery; they are all over the WORLD! This ministry saved my life! I share my story because for 37 years I drank alcohol to “COPE” with the pain because I had absolutely no tools to work through abandonment & rejection issues adoption has caused me. Today I live a sober life in recovery and I am not ashamed! I share my story because adoption is portrayed as a beautiful thing, and there has never been any room for my pain. I share it in writing because no one can interrupt me here, and tell me how to feel or that I should just be grateful I wasn’t aborted. I’m angry but I have every right to be, as so many of my fellow adoptees.
How would you feel if you were lied to your whole life about how you came into this world and simple answers to your history were kept a secret from you? Oh that’s right; you can’t imagine that because you aren’t adopted. And then to have the people who love you most or all the adoption supporters turn a blind eye to your heartache and pain because they simply can’t comprehend what you are experiencing not knowing your TRUTH or REALITY IS THEY DON’T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN because it’s simply uncomfortable to talk about grief, loss & trauma. Anger can be used in a healthy way and it can activate change depending on how you use it. Anger is a part of the grieving process so before you label me as an angry adoptee, please understand that we have much reason to be angry.
Am I really focused on the negative or are many aspects of adoption TRULY negative if you take your blinders off and quit pretending that the grief, loss & trauma is not there for adoptees? Can you take your blinders off and realize that secrecy and lies are NEVER OKAY? You can say I’m focused on the negative, or you can understand and stop denying that secrecy, shame, lies and all the grief, loss & trauma adoptees endure ALONE are very heavy burdens to bear making it a negative experience. Yes, it is negative! Unless you have experienced this, YOU HAVE NO IDEA at our day in and day out heartache and pain we carry. So please stop being so judgmental.
It just so happens I have stepped out of DENIAL and I have identified where my biggest source of pain has come from=ADOPTION. You can call it negative. I call it healing my hurts. In order to heal I have to share and be HONEST and I suggest everyone go through that process in life. GET HONEST.
Where does your biggest hurt come from?
Share it with the world. No better way to heal than share untold truths and have those who understand and get it know they aren’t alone.
One thing I know is I will always share the TRUTH.
No Lies. No Secrecy. No Half Truths.
I keep you at a distance doesn’t mean I don’t love you or want you in my life. It just means I have spent my life so highly misunderstood and I have had to suffer through the pain, grief, loss & trauma 100% on my own ALONE I learned very young to be independent and to self soothe my hurts.
It’s different for me to call on people for help, but God is working on me in this area. I learned very young to self soothe when it comes to grief, loss and trauma and I am the most comfortable alone with God. I love being with my kids but I am not a needy clingy person and this is because of my adoption experience. I have experienced many symptoms of RAD & usually don’t share it much but I have some attachment issues I care to not make public. But they are there and they have always been there. Adoption is TRAUMA. Every time a mother and child are separated a trauma happens. Left untreated and unrecognized by society only adds to the trauma. If you see me you would never know, because God has given me a gift as he has with many of my fellow adoptees and that gift is to be able to put on a show and to be a giver in support for everyone around. I have an encouraging gift where I love to support people, and let them know God loves them and he’s never left them! By looking at me, and talking to me you would never know my struggles are invisible, internal very deep rooted that no one around can see. There is NO ONE on this earth besides my fellow adoptees that understand this pain. God understands it all. My blog is a reflection of the inside of my invisible wounds, inside my heart and this is a place where I can take my mask off and stop pretending that everything is perfect.
Life isn’t perfect for any of us, but what are you doing with your pain? Are you letting God use you so you can help others?
ALL IMPACTED BY ADOPTION PLEASE PURCHASE:
The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child
I was alone as a child suffering through the complexities of being adopted and I am still that way when it comes to my adoption experience. Thankfully I have some close friends who don’t understand but they support me and they TRY to understand. They are irreplaceable to me. I have a few close adoptive family members that try, and then there is my fellow adoptees that follow my blog and follow me on social media.
I live for you all!
I know you get it!
You all inspire me to keep sharing the complexities of this journey. Every time one of you reaches out to me and says, “WOW! You hit the nail on the head of exactly how I have felt my entire life but I just couldn’t share it!” you all inspire me to keep writing.
Remember feeling all alone as an adoptee?
Well those days are over. Every time an adoptee finds my blog they will hopefully know they aren’t alone after reading some of it. This is why I write, for my fellow adoptees.
I share my adoptee journey doesn’t mean I don’t understand sometimes adoptions are 100% necessary. I base my opinion because I am adopted and I have more knowledge on the realities of many adoptions today than most people do. Because of this I can’t just leave that knowledge out of the equation to make the world feel comfortable.
I know that adoptions are sometimes necessary but I also know the trauma involved in each and every adoption so while the “world” celebrates “Gotcha Day” and “Homecoming Day” for adoptees I cry silent tears for that adoptee because I know what they had to lose to gain a family. I don’t deny the trauma involved in adoption while so many want to celebrate it. It’s like salt to a wound when our loss is celebrated. It’s hard for many adoptees and the pain is indescribable.
How would you feel if the WORLD celebrated the very thing that HURT YOU THE MOST? You would feel very isolated, alone and HURT!
I also know that yes, sometimes adoptions have to happen. But let me ask, was everything done to exhaust all options of this child being able to stay with its mother? Can someone in the family step up and take the child? Why does the name and birth certificate have to be falsified and changed? Did we have family preservation counselors trying to encourage her to keep her baby and that she is strong and good enough to raise her baby and material “goods” could never replace her love. Do we have someone in her corner encouraging her that YES SHE CAN do this! Is anyone encouraging her that she will be a great mother, and here are the resources to help her? For the mothers on drugs or incarcerated can a family member step up and take this child until the mother gets her life together? If an adoption is necessary why do we have to change the child’s name and identity? THIS HURTS!
What I see a lot of the time…
We have adoption counselors sowing seeds in this mother or doubt and disbelief that she can provide for her child and a stable “Adoptive Family” will be better? Does she have adoption agencies or pregnancy crisis centers using manipulation & coercion tactics on her because let’s just face it- There is big money to be made in adoption. It’s a business and people are profiting on mothers and babies being separated.
I am so sorry I find this “business” to be the most evil on the planet and
I share my voice that I believe ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES should stay together doesn’t mean I’m a mean angry person. It means that I stand on
Mark 10:9- “Therefor what God has joined together, let no one separate”
But somehow because the adoption industry is a multi-billion dollar industry it’s okay for adoption agencies to prey on young vulnerable mothers and coerce them into giving their babies up? I can’t imagine having to go to bed each night living with that! They will have to answer to that one day! So will society and the world who supports and glorifies adoption as it has been transformed into today when they REALLY have been subjected to the rainbow farts and Kool-Aid of the adoption industry! They really know nothing about adoption but they support mothers and babies being separated?
Adoption TODAY is nothing like the Bible portrays adoption to be. There was no profit being made. There was no closed records, or secrecy and lies.
Some adoptions have to happen doesn’t mean there needs to be a profit made. It doesn’t mean adoptees names have to be changed and their identities sealed in closed adoptions hidden away from them for centuries. It doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t happen.
I saw this amazing article I wanted to share.
I Don’t Want My Name on My Daughter’s Birth Certificate
WHY ARE WE LYING AND FALSIFYING LEGAL DOCUMENTS?
WHY ARE WE IGNORING THE TRAUMA?
If we lived in a perfect world all mothers and babies would stay together. Why am I so obsessed with mothers and babies staying together? Because I lost my mother! That’s why. I know what it feels like and I know the deep rooted impact this has had on my life and it has been the biggest hurt you could imagine. THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES SHOULD STAY TOGETHER! I had to experience losing my mother to experience the pain of it. If you haven’t lost your mother the minute you were born, you simply can’t relate.
Sadly, I know the world is not a perfect place but I believe whole heartedly that the world should try to support mothers and babies staying together at all costs before they even entertain the thought of supporting them adopting the child out to a “needy couple who wants to be parents”. There shouldn’t be adoption counselors encouraging separation of mother and child before there is someone stepping up trying to HELP that mother keep her baby, regardless of the circumstances. Finances should be the last reason a mother and child are separated. I always say I would have rather be with my birth mother dirt poor living in a card board box than handed over to a woman I didn’t know nor did I bond with. THAT IS REAL!!!!! Finances are temporary and things get better! Who is sharing with the birth mothers the reasons for adoption are a permanent solution to most of the time a temporary problem? Who is in her corner cheering her on, helping her and supporting her providing her with resources to KEEP HER BABY?
I share my grief, loss, trauma and hurt and pain regarding my adoption doesn’t mean God is not healing me. Do you realize I went from an alcoholic mean, angry and very bitter adoptee who hated the world and everyone in it to a clean and sober adoptee that is almost 4 years in recovery who loves Jesus, who gives God the glory who is now filled with His grace in being able to share my story? I’m healing daily!
Never underestimate my blog posts or what I share just because you simply have a formed opinion about adoption and my story doesn’t line up with the beautiful picture you have painted.
Just so happens, MOST ADOPTEES STORIES don’t line up with the beautiful picture the world has painted about adoption, most of us have been shamed our entire lives and NEVER FELT WORTHY TO SHARE OUR STORIES because the WORLD only allows happy rainbow filled stories about adoption.
Well I am here today because my God is a GOD of truth and he knows my heart and he has been with me on my journey of life every step of the way. He WANTS me to share my story! Just because it doesn’t line up with yours doesn’t mean I should keep quiet! It means I should keep shouting until the world understands there is another side to adoption MOST ALL ADOPTEES FACE! A painful side, filled with grief, loss and trauma.
But he can’t heal it if we aren’t allowed to feel it. The world might not care about my story, but God cares and when I share my story more and more adoptees are coming forward with sharing theirs. They are beginning to heal!
I had to step outside of the box and understand
MY STORY IS WORTH TO BE TOLD!
MY FELLOW ADOPTEES STORIES ARE WORTHY TO BE TOLD!
The next time an adoptee starts to share how they feel, how about cut it out with the silencer statements like “Aren’t you thankful you were given life?” or “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?”
I’m constantly silenced with scriptures, and spent many years being silenced because of it but today I have grown enough in my spiritual journey I will never be silenced by scripture because GOD is a God of TRUTH and he’s given me scriptures to throw right back!
IF YOU CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE MY PAIN PLEASE DON’T SILENCE ME WITH YOUR SCRIPTURES!
Most of us struggle majorly LIVING LIFE and many of us would rather have been aborted! The pain is THAT GREAT! I know this because I’m in touch with thousands of adoptees! I spent 37 years angry at my birth mother because she chose life!
So please STOP and JUST LISTEN!
“Pamela is just angry and she just had a bad adoption experience. Most adoptions are nothing like hers!”
Visit: How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?
Don’t forget the adoptee suicide rate is 4 xs more likely than non-adoptees!
WHEN IS THE WORLD GOING TO WAKE UP AND JUST LISTEN?
I bet if your child was one of the adoptees who committed suicide you would have WISHED YOU LISTENED CLOSER! My heart aches for anyone who has experienced this, but take it from an adoptee who has contemplated suicide MANY TIMES!
WE NEED THE WORLD TO LISTEN!
You made it to the bottom of this post it means you are genuinely trying to learn and listen. Maybe you are an adoptive parent or a birth parent or impacted by adoption in some way?
Maybe you are an adoptee and you can relate too much of what I have shared?
Either way, I commend you for reading, listening and trying to take in what you can. I know this is not your average story but I am committed in sharing my truth as I see it and letting all my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone.
WE JUST NEED PEOPLE TO LISTEN!
WE NEED EQUAL ACCESS & OPEN RECORDS!
WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR STORIES WITHOUT BEING JUDGED AND WITHOUT PEOPLE TRYING TO SILENCE US, AND WITHOUT THEM MAKING US FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING WHATS RIGHTFULLY OURS; OUR BIRTH RIGHT.
JUST BECAUSE WE APPEAR TO BE FINE DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE OUR PAIN DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T HAVE IT.
JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES DON’T SHARE THEIR STORIES DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T SUFFER SILENTLY.
JUST BECAUSE OUR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE BEST MOST AMAZING FAMILIES IN THE WORLD DOESN’T MEAN WE STILL DON’T HAVE PAIN AND WANT ANSWERS TO OUR BEGINNINGS.
JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES ARE STRIVING TO FIND THEIR ANSWERS TO THEIR HISTORY DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T APPRECIATE WHO RAISED THEM NOR DOES IT WAVER ON HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM.
I’m adopted and I am on a healing journey doesn’t mean I can’t pull some positive areas I have gained strengths from due to my adoption experience. I’m 100% independent, never ask for help. I have had to suffer alone my entire life. Why ask for help now? I can pretend really well. My heart can be ripping in shreds, but I can put my hurt and pain up on the shelf and help my fellow adoptees because God has given me this gift, as he has many of us. I know the true value of time and memories when so many were lost, stolen never to return. I know the true value of creating our own “safe place” letting go of toxic relationships and situations. I’m a very strong person and I’m a huge fighter. I’m not weak AT ALL and although the devil tried to take me out God had big plans for me! God has given me the gift of compassion for my fellow adoptees where there is NO ONE ELSE that can be in my shoes who has experienced all I have in life aside from ME. I consider these things gifts from God. I have been able to pull good things out of my biggest tragedy in life. So please don’t think that JUST BECAUSE I’m sharing my journey God isn’t doing huge things in my life. God is the way to healing and freedom! I know the true value of TRUTH and how much damage secrecy and lies can cause someone, especially when they are from the people that are supposed to “Love you the most!”
I share my pain doesn’t mean God is done with me yet!
Baby steps, I am a work in progress.
Adoptees, Remember you aren’t alone in feeling the way you do. The way you feel is natural for a not natural situation! It’s never natural to be separated from your biological families at any time in life!
Adoptees, Can you relate to any of my post? How do you feel people respond to you when you share your adoptee experience? Are you labeled ungrateful or told you are living in the past?
Join our How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? Community! 3400+ Strong!
2 thoughts on “JUST BECAUSE…”
Your story has me in tears because I feel the same way now being 49 and still not knowing who I am or where I came from. I lost the only mother I have ever known over 20 yrs ago and she was the only one who loved me for me. Being raised in a big family of 5 brothers and me being the only girl and only one adopted. I was not allowed to ask questions or speak of being adopted. The dad who raised me never ever accepted me and never said anything nice or encouraging and I know it’s because he resented me due to him not being able to give my mom his own blood daughter. He would never admit that only because all he cared about was what other people would think. He never turned on his sons as he did me. He didn’t care that my uncle, his only sick and perverted brother would do things to me when I was Little because when my uncle died I said I’m not sad at all and actually told him why and my mom even heard but nobody cared or ever asked me what happened and never spoke of it at all. I cooked dinner mon -Thursday from age 11 thru high school and it had to be ready and on the table at 6pm sharp when my dad got home from work because my mom worked nights. Every night he would say something bad about what I made like not enough salt and on and on. I was left hamburger meat and was told just to make whatever I can out of it for a family of 8. Never a thank you once. I hate cooking now and I know this is why. I don’t make my girls sit at the dinner table because we were forced to and the whole time growing up having to stay at the table just so my dad could say mean things to me every single night that I would shovel my food down just so I could leave and go to my room where I spend the majority of my time to be away from him. I thank God for music because that’s all I had to keep me going. My 5 brothers were pretty good to me then they got had kids and life goes on. I did everything for my nieces and nephews because I loved them so and was considered to be the cool Aunt. When my mom died a few of the sis n laws, more so one of them ransacked all her jewelry and I was left nothing but a few things they didn’t want and she actually had the nerve to tell me how all my brothers said I would be in charge of my moms stuff and how that isn’t right because she was just as much as her daughter as i was and that was said to me on the day of her funeral. So not one brother but my oldest called me that night and said I needed to come over to the house before everything was gone so while all this was going on not one of the brothers told them to stop. My dad refused to give me her wedding ring and the lil statues I had bought her every holiday saying he wasn’t ready to give this up. My mom died 3 was before my first wedding and wanted to pay for it so we could pay for our honeymoon and because all the people invited were her friends and family and I didn’t want a big wedding that’s why she offered because she wanted a big wedding so my dad cried broke after she died and didn’t want to give me anything so I said ok I will cancel the wedding but he has to call everyone to explain why since they were all their friends then later that night he brought over some money but not even half then my now ex husband had to sell his classic mustang to cover the rest. After all that I went to my house and told my dad he needs to give me the collection I gave to my mom because mom wanted me to have them as she had told me along with her wanting me to be in chart of her jewelry but wanted me to share with the sis n laws which of course I would have done especially being I am not a big jewelry person but never got the opportunity as stated above. When I went to get my collection he flat out told me no again so I replied I will never go over the house ever and said goodbye . Needless to say he ended up bringing just a few to where I lived that night. This went on for years and as years passed more things were being given away that should have went to me. He remarried a woman 20 yrs younger then him and I found out she gave my moms wedding ring to my nephew to give to his soon to be wife to whom never even knew my mom as my nephews were just baby’s at the time and not one family memeber questioned it and kept this from me for over 15 yrs. even my stuff I had as a child this certain sis n law has to this day. My dad even turned on me with my ex and told him to take me for everything I have and when I found out his reason was because I wouldn’t tell him what was going on in our relationship to where I replied well mom always told us to work it out and not get family involved. When I told him he was a drug dealer and I had enough of being married to an idiot he didn’t say anything so I left my ex with only a backpack and my big French lopped bunny. I didn’t speak to my dad for yrs and the worst part is his new wife couldn’t understand why he did this to me but of course never said a word. He died last year and of course the house we all grew up in that my mom wanted all us kids to have is now hers where she has her mom and sister living there for years. As if the life insurance she had on my dad of 500,000.00 dollars wasn’t enough she now has our house . If my mom knew she would be so disappointed because she paid more into that house and lived for us kids. Had she known she was going to die she would have done what she could to make sure that would have never happened. As a mom myself I live for our girls and anything I have will go to them as it should. Is this wrong of me to feel this way? I have so much anger and hurt along with not having a mom to talk to or a sister as men just don’t get us women. Their cure is oh just have a few beers and let it go. Why is it I am more depressed now then ever? I just wish someone understood me. Your blog is amazing and I truly hope I can get past my pain and anger and I will pray and ask God for help so thank you for letting me poor all this out and I can take constructive criticism. Sincerely sad and lonely,
Baby girl Davis 7/11/66
Unk real name
I am not an adoptee but a birth mother and I identify with many of the same feelings you had/have as an adoptee. My son was born in 1969, keeping your child was usually not an option then… I was placed in a home for unwed mothers and remained there for 5 months. The only counsel I had was from the social worker from the “adoption agency” and her goal was for me to sign the papers relinquishing my rights to my son. This was a secret, my dad made all the arrangements and it was never to be spoken about, my 2 sisters knew nothing about my son until I searched and found him when he turned 21. To this day many of my extended family know nothing about him either. If I lived near them they would know because I am very open about having a son that I placed for adoption and that I searched for and found. My son lives up north and I live down south now so we don’t get to see each other very often, however, we do speak on the phone. I too go to Celebrate Recovery for dealing with the hurts and loss that divorce played in my life 6 years ago, after being married 39 1/2 years. As I was involved in 3 support groups up north for birth mothers, adoptees and adopted parents, I dealt with many of the “birth mother” issues I had, however after reading your article, I believe CR can also help me. Thank you for your honesty…