After 41.5 years I am still trying to fix the mistakes of my birth mother.
In her eyes “It was the best choice”.
In my eyes it’s been the biggest nightmare and loss of my life.
41 years ago I was a secret to everyone around. Her shame was too big. Her guilt probably enormous. I have tried to put myself in her shoes back in 1974. She made probably one of the hardest decisions of her life. I have accepted her decision. She did what the industry told her would be THE BEST FOR ME…
Hand me over to strangers.
But what they failed to tell her was the lifelong grief, loss, abandonment, rejection & trauma I would experience because of HER CHOICE.
I HAVE HOPE IN HEALING BECAUSE GOD IS MY HEALER!
Her choice was to keep who my biological father was hidden. Not just from me, but from HIM. She CHOSE FOR ME AND FOR HIM that we could never lay eyes on one another, never celebrate a Father’s Day or Holiday together. She CHOSE for us both that we would never have a relationship.
SHE DID THAT.
Because of her SECRET he knew nothing about me.
Naturally I want to know Him! I want to find him!
Because He knew nothing about me when I showed up at his door,
HE HAS DENIED I’M HIS DAUGHTER FOR THE 16 YEARS HE’S KNOWN ABOUT ME.
WHY?
BECAUSE MY BIRTH MOTHER KEPT THE PREGNANCY A SECRET. I WAS GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.
“FATHER UNKNOWN”
WAS A LIE!
How do we teach our kids not to lie but adoption is filled with lies and deception?
Explain that to me?
I wonder how many women FALSELY put “FATHER UNKNOWN” on their child’s birth certificate knowing they were lying, being deceptive, keeping life changing information hidden for years to come?
My birth father has known about me since 1999. He’s had 16 years to get to the bottom of the truth. But because of MY BIRTH MOTHERS DECISION he is skeptical I show up on his door step and tell him I’m his daughter! Do you blame him? I don’t?
He has said over and over “what are we gonna do get a blood test 30-40 years later?!”
Actually DNA is so much more advanced now, I was able to get a DNA test without his DNA which linked me 2x to his family tree by his family surname.
BIRTH MOTHERS CAN LIE AND KEEP SECRETS ALL THEY WANT BUT DNA DOESN’T LIE!
THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT!
ALWAYS!
“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.”- Luke 8:17
You can read my last attempt to deliver him the DNA confirmation here.
A follow up to that post is basically Father Felix stopped communication with me. 100% cold turkey.
Heartbroken All Over Again.
Regardless I never knew if he delivered the DNA Results. So I decided in one last attempts to FIX WHAT MY BIRTH MOTHER LIED ABOUT I needed to make sure my birth father knew the TRUTH that I am his daughter. I have decided to mail the DNA results on my own along with a letter and a photo.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOSE?
Absolutely NOTHING!
I went through a phase where I had given up. I lost all hope. I just couldn’t deal with any more rejection from my biological family but I prayed about it and something happened.
God gave me a fresh new wind to give it one last shot.
What am I expecting?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
But this is something I need to do for myself. There has always been that uncertainty as far as my birth father is concerned. He didn’t know if I was REALLY his or not! Think about it, he would have to face the past and take accountability for his actions. He fathered a child out of wedlock, in the 70’s. He might feel shame or remorse, he might not care at all! Either way I am not mad at him, but I can’t imagine not wanting to get right with my only daughter before I die! He’s 77 for God’s sake.
Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do after he receives the TRUTH I have done my part. I have spent 41 years in agony and those days are over for me. If he knows I’m his only biological daughter and HE STILL DENIES ME
I AM FINISHED!
I will leave the door open, but I am walking away.
So what happens when a birth mother lies and keeps secrets?
IT ONLY HURTS THE ADOPTEE AND IT HURTS US GREATLY! IT DOESN’T JUST GO AWAY. IT’S A LIFE LONG STRUGGLE. IF THE ADOPTION AGENCIES AND ADOPTION COUNSELORS ARE TELLING YOU OTHERWISE THEY ARE LYING TO YOU. I AM ADOPTED AND I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY!
I MAILED THIS PACKET TO MY BIRTH FATHER TODAY. AFTER 42 YEARS IF HE STILL DENIES ME IT’S HIS LOSS. BUT PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME AND A PRAYER FOR HIM.
WHAT HAS IT BEEN LIKE HAVING A FATHER OUT THERE THAT IS ALIVE BUT I CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE ADOPTION STOLE HIS RIGHTS AND STOLE A CHANCE AT US GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER? LIKE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF SOMEONE WHO IS ALIVE. HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT? ADOPTEES HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS DAILY AND THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS CAN PRETEND ITS NOT THERE BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT…
LET ME SHARE YOU ALL ARE THE LAST PEOPLE I WOULD SHARE THESE FEELINGS WITH. THAT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BLOG POST.
FOR ALL THE BIRTH MOTHERS/FIRST MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE READING- IF YOU ARE KEEPING ANY SECRETS OR LYING PLEASE RECONSIDER.
EVERYONE DESERVES THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.
EVERYONE DESERVES TO KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM.
WE CAN’T HEAL UNLESS WE HAVE OUR TRUTH!
ALL OF IT!
Pamela Karanova 
I’m sorry your mgother wasn’t honest with you. I can’t imagine how difficult the secrets and lies are to deal with. I have been completely open and honest with my daughter since she found me over two years ago. Despite that, my daughter has had a very difficult time juggling her two families. She as of yet has no interest in contacting her father. I think she has all she can deal with now without adding a third family. I’m blessed to have her and my three grandchildren in my life. Adoption was not my choice in 1976. Not by a long shot. I hope you get the answers you are seeking from your father.
GeoinCalifornia- Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot.
I’m so happy to hear you have been open and honest with your daughter. That’s one of the most important things I feel us adoptees need. Transparency, and truth. Without this, we can’t heal. So sorry you were forced into making such a heartbreaking decision that would impact everything. It’s wonderful you are now able to have your daughter and grandkids in your life. I can totally relate to her needing to take things slow with reuniting with her birth father. This is an emotional journey indeed! Hugs to you! So glad you reached out! ❤
Yes, I know the pain of grieving a loved one who is gone yet alive. In our case my daughter told the truth and the adoptive parents lied. They promised openness, and regular visitation. Then the night before the adoption was final they revealed they were moving several states away. Again they reassured us of visitation but guess what, “it was just too difficult being so far away”. No kidding. I have not seen my grandson for over 7 years, but guess what, I am still his grandmother no matter what. My Lord, who suffered greater rejection than I have, has healed me and I am assured that He will care for me no matter what. My trust is in Him and no matter what I know He is in control and from there I have received peace which makes the pain bearable. I pray you also receive peace.
I hate secrets and lies. So unproductive. Secrets and lies produce angst, fear and misery. So sorry you’ve had to go through this.
My mother lied as well and I did not find out until I was 49 (now 53). The difference is she didn’t leave me right away. She waited till I was 18 months old and couldn’t handle being a mom, married life or both. Little did I know then that I was actually left with a man who was not my bilogical dad. Since his name was on the birth certificate I was never adopted. So these women who lie for fear, protection or whatever really need to think twice. I too have abandonment issues. I have stifled with depression too. I can’t believe she pulled my dad out of the military to say your a baby daddy when it wasn’t even his. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Donna, This is so heartbreaking… I’m so sorry for your pain. I will never ever be able to support such lies, secrecy, etc. This is terrible!!!!! Have you ever been able to find your birth father? ❤
My recent DNA shows a complete family I knew nothing about, and I don’t have any close cousins as yet into my mother or father. I was always treated very different to my siblings but I didn’t know why, thar hurt me emotionally and subconsciously without even knowing why. It’s the lies that your left with that hurt, you trusted them, It took me 50 years to accept that your parents may not get on with you as well. This though is cruel to know you were not wanted and became the kicking ball for there deceit. I wasn’t with my mom when she died the others were, instead I wS lied to that my father tried to get me as if again it was my fault. The day after her death he told me with such venom how he had spent is life hating me. I didnt know why I worshiped him. Sad loss to all.
Hi Sue,
I am so very sorry! This is awful! So did you not find out you were adopted until you did the DNA test? Was that confirmation? Or did you know that before, and you are just now confirming it?
Good Morning,
I am a birth father who was never told of my girlfriend of years ago having a baby and giving her up for adoption, in March of this year DNA has changed that and I found my baby girl and she is 34 yrs old. I am happy to have her now, she and I agreed to have the relationship that the big lie prevented years ago. The lie has blown up and the truth has been exposed. These types of lies are evil and this one was continued for years even after the birth mom contacted our daughter. She even went as far to say I died to get my daughter to stop asking for my name. I cant understand how birth mom didn’t have enough love to tell her the truth. my daughter and I know the truth and we will be working on our relationship for the rest of our lives, together at last.
BioDad
Hi Tim,
Thank you so much for sharing your story here and I can feel the pain in all the words that are rooted in the deception that is at the root of most adoptions today.
I am so sad for all the time lost between you and your daughter. Nothing can replace it, however I am elated you have finally found one another.
Your story resonates with me greatly, because I too was told my birth father died but it never set will with me. I said to myself, “if he died, I deserve to be able to stand over his grave” and until I was able to do that, I didn’t believe he was dead. Years later I found out he was very much alive. This was a cruel thing to do, and I am so sorry your daughter had to go through this! You too!
I am so thankful you all have reunited, and have one another now. You did not deserve what has happened to you and your feelings are normal for a not normal situation! Nothing is normal about being separated from your daughter the way you have and nothing is normal about adoption!
Sending you love and light to you and your daughter! ❤
Thank you Pamela,
I am going to have my 34 year old daughter hopefully reach out as she is full of hurt and has had issues growing up and the way she feels. I really want to help her get out of the feelings she has had for years. If its ok I may reach again for you to help us. I love her and I don’t like her hurting, she needs someone other then me to talk too as I have really no knowledge of these feelings and what to do. I just want her to be helped with it. I didn’t know about her for 34 years and this is something I would never want for my children. She is my daughter now since we found each other.
Thank you,
Tim ( dead guy living)
Hi Tim,
You are such a great dad! Neither of you deserved this. But I would love it if you would share my website with your daughter, and feel free to have her reach out to me via email: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
I know her pain all too well! I look forward to hearing from her! ♥️
Also, you signed your name “Dead Guy Living” – look at an article I wrote awhile back.
https://pamelakaranova.com/2020/02/29/dead-man-walking/
I have passed along the website and email to my daughter Angela. Thank you for doing all this as it is important to know people are hurt and lied to regularly. I will never ever not be with my daughter since I found out in March. I pray many others come to their senses.
Article was so good about dead guy walking. Well done!!
I’m adopted too..
The guy on my birth certificate…… he isn’t my father.
We found out 3 years ago when we met for the first time.
We took 2 paternity tests that came back negative and my birth mother won’t tell me who my father is.
I feel so bad for the guy who thought he had a daughter out there for 28 years.
This page has brought me hope and I feel less alone. So thank you so much.
Hi Kathleen, So very sorry for the pain involved in this situation for everyone! Have you joined any of the groups for NPE’s or Adoptees? I am so glad you found my page. You defiantly aren’t alone! I am writing on Substack now, so feel free to follow this link and you will have access to all my new articles and platform. I will keep this page also so no pressure!
https://therealadopteamoxie.substack.com/