Category: Potential Adoptive Parents

Chapter 3. Corn Fields for Days – Finding Purpose In The Pain, One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope and Healing, An Audible Memoir By Pamela A. Karanova

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Chapter 3.

Corn Fields for Days by Pamela A. Karanova

Trigger Warning // Childhood Sexual Abuse

It was Friday at 5PM, it was time to head to Dunkerton, where Thomas and Laura lived, along with Mark, Max, and Mike. It was an hour each way from Patricia’s house in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. They lived in a house in the country, literally smack dab in the middle of cornfields that surrounded our small cul-de-sac with a few other houses.

Thomas worked at John Deere’s, and my interactions with him were pleasant most of the time. He was a hard worker and was dedicated to taking care of his family and doing what he had to do to put food on the table. At times, his commute to and from work was an hour each way, and even in the cold, brutal Iowa winters, he did what he had to do to provide for his family.

He took pride in taking us on summer vacations and loading us up in the big blue van with the pop-up camper. We went to Disney Land, The Grand Canyon, The Petrified Forest, Wisconsin Dells, and The Queen Mary. In addition, we frequented many campgrounds around the USA. My favorite was always Jelly Stone Park.

The big blue van with the pop-up camper.

Before she met Thomas, Laura worked part-time at a local gas station and had the three boys with different dads. Once they married, Thomas raised my three stepbrothers as his own. Laura worked off and on over the years. We never talked about God or prayed before meals, but on Sundays, Laura and Thomas would sometimes drop us off at the local catholic church but would never stay themselves.

Laura had an aura about herself where I never felt a “motherly” love from her; instead, I felt like she was cold as ice towards me. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about her, not as far as I was concerned anyway. We were never close or connected, and she was always around, which stood in the way of me ever having any one-on-one time with Thomas. I don’t ever remember us having 5 minutes of father/daughter time together in all my life. And to be completely honest, I don’t know much about Thomas because he wasn’t a talker.

Melanie and I didn’t have chores at Thomas’s house because our visits were only a weekend in length, creating what felt like a free pass. The visits with them were much different than our home life with Patricia. Thomas and Laura’s house was usually kept clean, dinner was always ready around 5 PM, and I didn’t have to sneak outside and play. There was a structure here, which I knew nothing about at Patricia’s. Most of the time, chaos was at a bare minimum, but I wasn’t around much either. I heard some stories about Thomas being tough on the boys and calling them sissies for wanting to play sports. This never made me feel good that they were treated this way, actually the opposite.

The Brown House in Dunkerton, Iowa

The boys each had their own rooms in the unfinished basement, and Melanie and I shared a room for a long time. Believe it or not, Melanie and I rarely fought at Thomas and Laura’s like we did at Patricia’s. The ring leader and middle man spinning the drama were nonexistent, so things were pleasant.

At one point, as a way to separate Melanie and me as we got older, they created a small “room” for me, which was a closet that fit my twin bed and dresser in it. They hung up sheets from the ceiling to block off the area to create privacy. It was tiny; however, it was the first time in my life I had a space I could call my own. Because of this, I didn’t think twice about it being in a closet.

At Thomas’s house, I could ask to go outside, and most of the time, they said the most prized words that I longed to hear at Patricia’s house, “Have fun!” or “BYE!” I would take off flying out the door and enjoy the freedom every child should have without the sneak effect hanging over my head.

Mike was a year older than me, he enjoyed wrestling in school, and he loved the Dungeons and Dragons game. He was a fun kid and always enjoyed our company when we visited from Cedar Rapids for the weekend. We have some great childhood memories together.

Max was always the favorite of Thomas and Laura. He was three years older than me. He loved Motley Crew, Ozzy Osborne, and Guns N Roses. He was popular in school and seemed to receive favor everywhere he went. However, he was a rebel and seemed to get in trouble more than any of us. He was arrested first and wrecked a car first, but he was still everyone’s favorite.

Mark was five years older than me, so when I was 5, he was 10. There were always some peculiar things about him, like the fantasies he created in his mind about creating another world and his own government named after him. He had a strange personality, and I always felt it from him. He was also in and out of psychiatric hospitals his entire juvenile and early adult life. It ended up being that he came out of the closet as gay, and I am sure that was a difficult journey for him to navigate.

All three of my stepbrothers detasseled corn in the summertime, and that was a tough job. They would remove the immature pollen-producing tassels from the top of the corn, laying them on the ground on by one. They would get up at the crack of dawn and go to the pick-up site to head out to the cornfields for the day. When they returned home, they were bright red from the sun beating on them each day. One thing was for sure, detasseling corn wasn’t for sissies!

I will never forget Mike screaming frantically one evening while running through the woods shouting, “A wild bore is chasing me! Hurry! Run fast!” The reality was that it was dinner time, and he was trying to round us up to get inside! We would play hide and seek in the cornfields or the woods. In Wintertime, we would create igloos and play king of the mountain with the heavy snowfall we received in Iowa.

At some point around the age of five, Mark started to groom me to do sexual favors for him. He was a kid at ten years old; however, I have memories of these interactions up to me being 10-11 years old, where he would have been 15 to 16 years old and old enough to know better! So while things with Laura and Thomas seemed to be better than with Patricia, I lived with this childhood sexual abuse keeping it to myself until I ended up in therapy again at 18 years old, and this was the first time it all came out.

Until then, my lips were sealed because Mark told me not to share it with anyone or else! By the time I reached 12 years old, I had stopped wanting to visit Thomas and Laura because of these activities. When they asked why I didn’t want to come anymore, I didn’t give a definite reason. I kept that secret from all, just like Mark instructed me to do.

L-R Melanie, Max, Pamela, Mark, Mike – In the photo, look how far away I am from Mark, look at his hand, and look at my face. This was only the beginning!

At times, someone in the house did something wrong, and Thomas and Laura would punish us all. For example, we were told to get down on our hands and knees on the basement floor, and while we all five lined up, they beat our asses with a belt one by one. This was terrifying and painful.

We returned home, and Patricia saw that we had marks on our bodies from the belt. She let Thomas and Laura know that we would never return until they agreed to never use a belt on us again. They finally agreed, and after a pause in visits, our visits to Dunkerton would resume.

Thomas and Laura never spoke negatively about Patricia in front of us girls. On the contrary, I always appreciated this because that was the opposite of what Patricia did. It was almost as if she wanted to sow seeds of discord. She did an excellent job at it; however, I would ultimately lose respect for her because she continuously attempted to put a wedge between Thomas and us girls. I put him on a pedestal because he always showed up to pick us up and he took us on vacations and to fun places.

I would run off to frolic in the cornfields, which seemed never-ending. We also had the woods not far where I would have the freedom to run wild until dinner time. No one knew that my escape into nature would be a healing place for me. I was free from Mark and Patricia’s toxicity, and I could pretend the forest was my home. My imagination would run wild by being able to run amongst the forest and the trees. I never wanted to leave.

Freedom always reigned for me outside amongst the trees. We had one substantial gigantic tree outside our house across the street. I climbed to the top and would reach up and touch the sky, and in my mind, I was touching the only close thing I had to my birth mother. I knew she was under the same sky I was, and I longed to be closer to her. So I would hang out at the top, dreaming of her. It was like the sky was my baby blanket growing up, and it made me feel closer to my birth mother, when the reality was I had no idea who she was or where she was. Was she looking for me? Was she thinking of me? I knew it was a matter of time before she returned for me.

I never spoke to Thomas or Laura about knowing I was adopted; however, I know my three stepbrothers knew. I know this because they would get upset with Melanie or me for something; they would shout, “You aren’t our REAL family” or “Blood is thicker than water!.” They would also make fun of us because our city smelled nasty, so they would hurl insults at us from time to time. “They were kids!” shouts the world. Yes, this is true, but it was mean-spirited, and it stuck, especially being adopted.

Little Pammy on the basement steps at the brown house in Dunkerton.

I loved being able to escape into nature and consider that piece of my childhood an essential aspect of why I am the person I am today. Mother Nature was always there even when my earthly mothers didn’t hold up to the expectations I deserved! As early as I can remember, I felt more connected to the trees and the woods than I did any of the people in my life, especially running around barefoot with no shoes on. That was my jam. I loved to get dirty and wet and play in the mud and rain. I had little fear!

I never cared for Laura much and didn’t feel close to her. She was deceptive multiple times and lied to Thomas and us about being a smoker. Even though she let us see her smoke, she wanted us to lie for her to Thomas. She also stepped outside the marriage with Thomas. As a result, I lost respect for her and had little love for her, and felt the coldness in her aura towards me. She also favored Max, and because of this, all the rest of us felt like red-headed stepchildren. And in my case, the adopted red-headed stepchild. Favoring kids destroys kids.

It was Sunday in the blink of an eye, and it was time to go back to Patricia’s house. We wouldn’t see or hear from Thomas or Laura for two weeks. We never kept in touch between the visits or spoke on the phone. They never knew how school was going or what we were up to sports-wise, or activities we completed like dance recitals or plays. I never remember conversations on life lessons at all. They just showed up for the court-ordered visits, every other holiday, and a vacation in the summer.

Thomas was always far away, and because of this, sadly, I don’t feel like I ever had a close relationship with him or a relationship at all. He wasn’t around when Patricia was amid her meltdowns, and world war three was happening inside Patricia’s home. I was dying to know details about the divorce from his perspective. How do you marry someone, adopt two daughters, get divorced a year later and move to another city, and re-marry a year later? Did he know how emotionally unstable Patricia was? If he did, why did he leave us with her?

It would be years before I would get up enough nerve to ask Thomas to get to the bottom of this. But eventually, I would learn the truth from his perspective, and it was a hard pill to swallow. After reality set in, sadly, the pedestal I put him on my whole life changed to a different reality. One that I wasn’t expecting to learn. But ultimately, even when it hurts, it’s the truth that sets us free.

Facebook: Pamela A. Karanova

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*The views and opinions expressed in this article, memoir, and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova

Adoptees Are Not Gifts and Possessions – An Adoptee’s Perspective

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

“All children are a gift from God,” – Says the world. 

I believe this is part of the reason our adoptive parents refer to us as gifts; however, to refer to each adopted individual as a gift would insinuate that children are owned by someone who then bestows the gift upon a receiver and that this person is now the owner of the property being gifted. 

I think people likely mean well; however, sometimes, they don’t understand the layers and depths of their words when explaining and exploring the different dynamics of the adoption and adoptee experience. Sometimes people can say things that are well intended, but the reality is that they can be hurtful to adoptees. On the other hand, sometimes, a little enlightenment on a topic can go a long way.

Let me get straight to the point. Children are free individuals, and no one possesses them in a way that they would be in a position to “give one” to someone else as a gift. Being your parent’s responsibility is entirely different from being their property. 

Having my own experience with adoption and hearing the experiences of my fellow adoptees for over a decade, many of us feel as if we are referred to as a monetary possession when hearing from our adoptive parents and others. This comes off as a reflection of “ownership” to many of us. 

However, when most of us are paid for with a cash price, is when the reality of our feelings gets magnified even more considerably. Not to mention the lifelong reminders we get from those around us and the families we grow up in. 

The feelings of being referred to as a gift imply ownership, entitlement, and possession are many ways adopted people feel in our experiences with our adoptive parents and others. I now consider this line of thinking linked to adoptive parent parental narcissism.

Nevertheless, as if feeling this was not enough, many adoptees are expected to celebrate “Gotcha Day” or “Adoption Day” and referred to as a “Gift” as if the loss we experience before we are adopted does not count for anything. I will be writing about this soon. 

We are expected to feel thankful and grateful that our adoptive parents took us in when our biological families did not want us. Assuming that an adopted child or adult should be more grateful and thankful than a biological child can be an epic failure in acknowledging and recognizing what that person had to experience to be adopted, to begin with. Expecting us to be more thankful or grateful than another person on earth is an unrealistic expectation placed on us. 

Our biological connections matter to us and presuming that their loss doesn’t exist causes tremendous grief and pain for the adopted person, on top of the loss we already experience, and it’s not helpful. 

Unfortunately, society at large and most of our adoptive parents have not left room for us to share our feelings because they assume we should be thankful and grateful. While many adoptees have not come to a place of sharing their true feelings, many of us are blazing the trailways and sharing how adoption has impacted us and made us feel. 

I remember as a teen, I would have new friends or a new boyfriend, and my adoptive mom would suddenly act as if she had new friends and a new boyfriend. She would ask questions and want me to tell her everything about them and my life. She rarely had friends of her own, and she never had a boyfriend as she and my adoptive dad divorced when I was one year old. She did not have her own life and lived through me and mine. 

I would constantly tell my adoptive mom to “Stay out of my business” when it seemed like she was constantly overstepping. Being a teenager, I thought she was just a nosey parent; however, when this carried over into my adult life is when I knew something was not right. 

One of the phrases I heard throughout my childhood and adult life from my adoptive mom was, “Your life is my life, and everything that has to do with you is my business!” Anytime she would say this to me, it would strike a chord profoundly. Unfortunately, I had no healthy examples in my life of what a mother and daughter were supposed to be like, so I grew up thinking this was normal. 

As I grew into my teen and adult years, I would still hear, “Your life is my life, and everything that has to do with you is my business.” 

In my childhood, I also remember hearing “you were my greatest gift,” like a broken record about my biological mother giving me up for adoption and my adoptive mom sharing her elated feelings about this decision. Ultimately, my birth mother chose not to parent, which allowed my adoptive mom’s dreams to come true to be a mother. 

But, while she celebrated, I suffered in silence as many adoptees do. As soon as her feelings of happiness came into the conversation, there was no room for my sadness about this woman who was gone, to whom I was very much connected. So while I believe she had no idea how damaging this would be, I am here to share that it was indeed damaging.

An adopted person is usually paid for with a cash price, so our sentiments being referred to as a gift will likely be different than a biological child or a child that wasn’t paid for with monetary value. It makes us feel like a monetary possession. Yet, too often than not, we’re expected to be glad that someone on this earth cared enough about us that they created GoFundMe and received loans from family and friends to purchase us as if that wouldn’t impact us at some point in life. 

I completed a poll on the How Does it Feel to Be Adopted? Page in 2015 asking adoptees if they were okay with being referred to as a gift. I had 378 adopted people respond, with 88% saying that “NO” they aren’t okay with being referred to as a gift. Can we consider this when we speak about adopted children and adults moving forward? 

I would like to think that it counts for something significant that 88% of adoptees are not okay with being referred to as a gift, which implies ownership of a whole human being. Can we at least be sensitive that this is a problem and have the willingness to consider changing our language in adoption?

When I think of the children I brought into the world, they are my children, but they are also their own individual people. While I didn’t pay for them with a $45,000.00 cash price, I still do not refer to them as a gift because of the weight of ownership this implies. 

One of the most amazing things I have received was from a friend, Frank Ligtvoet. He shared the song “On Children” by Sweet Honey In The Rock, and I wanted to share it. I think this song is powerful in so many ways. I would like to think it could be applied to the lives of those who wish to accept, acknowledge and appreciate that none of us own our kids. They are sons and daughters of the universe and the world itself. Adopted or not, this is a powerful reminder that no one has ownership over another, and no human being is a GIFT of monetary possession. Can we acknowledge that things ring differently for adopted people? Even with well-intended circumstances, adopted people are not okay with feeling like they are possessions and gifts. 

It’s time our language and thoughts match up with this reality. 

Take a listen below!

For my fellow adoptees, have you been referred to as a gift or felt as if you were a possession? If so, how did that make you feel?

Thanks for reading and listening!

Pamela A. Karanova

Facebook: Pamela A. Karanova

Don’t forget that I’m streaming my articles on several audio platforms for your listening convenience! 👇🏼

📱 iTunes – https://apple.co/3tKzT5f

🌎 Google – https://bit.ly/3JP6NY0

🎧 Spotify – https://spoti.fi/3Ny6h35

📦 Amazon – https://amzn.to/3JScoga

☕️– Buy Me A Coffee https://bit.ly/3uBD8eI

*The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova

Adoptees, Why Did Your Adoptive Parents Adopt You?  

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova3 Comments

I write about the difficult dynamics in adoption, the ones no one wants to talk about. As I have emerged from the fog of adoption, I’ve learned that not all adoptees are adopted for the reasons most people think they are. So what was the reason your adoptive parents adopted you? What were you told, and did it align with the truth?

Society paints a picture that adoptees are taken in when their biological families don’t want them. Their adoptive parents have taken on this responsibility to parent another person’s child to provide a safe and loving home for the child. The adoptive parents are then seen as heroes and often take on the superior attitude of saving an unwanted child from a life of despair. White savior complex sits front and center on many occasions regarding adoptions today. There is an underbelly to these false realities.

However, this is the opposite contrast of what many adoptees feel while we navigate life on the other side of the coin. For many of us, over years of our lives, we learn the truth about why we were adopted, and it opens up a level of understanding for each of us. We’re told we were chosen, and most of the time, we believe it. It’s a cushion to soften the blow of the realities about adoption. The chosen baby theory makes people feel better, even when it’s not true.

I am here to share the truth that most of the time, when a baby is adopted, the reasons they were separated from their biological mothers isn’t usually a pretty story. We must share this reality to stop setting adoptees up for the life-altering disappointment when they discover the truth. The separation trauma is traumatic enough, and we don’t have to add more lies and secrecy to it by using the chosen baby theory. I will be writing more about the chosen baby theory soon.

It’s rare for someone to choose to take on the responsibility of parenting another person’s child, with it being the first option. People generally want to have their own biological children FIRST, before adoption is ever spoken of. This means adoption is likely the LAST option vs. the chosen one. If you think your adoptive parent’s hand-picked you out of a line of babies, I can guarantee you this is a false narrative spun by the adoption industry. It’s part of the propaganda they sell to dress adoption up and hide what it truthfully is. The truth is, they took the next baby in line.

My adoptive mom was infertile. She couldn’t have kids of her own. So instead of healing from this significant loss and accepting those were the cards she was dealt, she adopted! I carried the load of her struggles with infertility my entire life. Somehow I remember saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” more than anything. She never healed from the divorce or her infertility struggles. I was the prime target of her emotional and mental outbursts and my adopted sister. Our adoptive father divorced her, left us, and moved away even when he knew she couldn’t take care of us. It was no secret that she was mentally ill. From an early age, I was her caretaker. I rubbed her back, put lotion all over her body, cleaned her room, changed her bedding. I ran her bath water, brushed her hair, cut coupons for her, cleaned the whole house, and the list could go on.

I started to learn in my early teens that my adoptive mother had a fear of going to a nursing home in her older age. She talked about this in my childhood many times, and by my teen years, it was very apparent to me that she had significant issues with going to a nursing home. As I started to connect the dots on this, and I experienced a life of hell in this home, it is evident that she adopted 1. Because she couldn’t have offspring of her own. 2. She didn’t want to go to a nursing home in her old days. These reasons are far-fetched from wanting to provide a loving and caring home to a child in need.

Another highlight about this reality is that our relationship was very strained my whole life, especially as I grew into my adulthood. She tried to convince me to be her power of attorney when I was 38 years old. When I was 38 years old, I was the single parent of a new 18-year-old high school graduate. I also had twins that were in 9th grade. I had my hands full to take on this responsibility, and I declined. If we had a healthy relationship and if she wasn’t abusive my whole life, I might have considered it. However, she went straight for my fresh out of high school 18-year-old daughter when I declined.

My daughter was barely out of high school, yet when she asked her and pursued her to be her POA. She was applying to colleges and ready to start her life as an adult. So why would she want to dig her claws in my daughter in this way? Because her plan with me backfired. I cared for her and catered to her my entire life until I finally broke free in 2005. I packed up a UHaul, all my belongings, my kids and moved across the country to escape her. It was the hardest thing I ever did because when you are adopted, you then step into a space of having no family and, in this case, no mother. I didn’t have one anyway, but we started our life over. I had no place to live, no job, no money, no car, and no keys TO ANYTHING.

I did this not only for my kids to have a better life but also for myself. So I could start the healing process from all my adoption experience has caused. I have come to life little by little, and today I’m thriving. However, this doesn’t mean that I haven’t been hurt by the reality of why my adoptive mom adopted me, to begin with. I see right through her intentions. It would be easier to believe the fairytale narrative; however, my life’s experiences won’t allow me to believe this.

I am not saying that some adoptees aren’t adopted for pure reasons, but I know I am not the only one who has figured out I was adopted to fill the void a biological child would have brought to my adoptive mom and her adopting for her wants and needs. It’s almost like I feel like a pawn in a game I never agreed to play. Unfortunately, because of this and all the abuse and lies she inflicted on me my entire life, we were estranged for several years before she passed away.

I’m curious about the experiences of my fellow adoptees? Do you feel like your adoptive parents adopted for “the right reasons?” whatever that looks like to you? Or do you feel there was another reason or even several? How has this made you feel?

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music.

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Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Thanks for reading and listening,

Love, Love.

*The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova.

The Raw Resentment I Have Carried for Most Adoptive Parents and What Changed – An Adoptees Perspective

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova3 Comments

Yep, I’m going there. I write about the difficult dynamics in adoption, the ones no one wants to talk about.

But before I do, I’m not here to throw my adoptive parents under the bus for what they did or didn’t do wrong. At this point, that’s water under the bridge for me.

I’ve said for many years that Adoptive Parents aren’t my gift. They aren’t in my arena of life, and I have purposely set things up to keep most of them out of my space for mental health and self-care reasons.

I seem to clash with them, and I have carried great fury toward them over the years. Adoptive parents have been the hardest for me to manage out of all the people in the adoption constellation.

Why?

My experiences with most adoptive parents have been primarily online, and they haven’t been positive experiences. 99.9% of the time, they don’t have the willingness to want to learn or listen to what adoption feels like from an adult adoptee’s perspective. Online I’ve found them to be damaging, dismissive and emotionally abusive.

Anytime I have tried to share, they end up making it about them and why they adopted, to begin with, their infertility issues, and all they have sacrificed to adopt the child they have. So it’s always about them, and this saddens me.

If I’m being transparent, it MADDENS ME.

They don’t have to listen to me for me, but I think of all their adopted kids who could experience the pain I once did and that so many adoptees experience growing up. Unfortunately, the adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and adoption officials aren’t telling them the truth. So if there were any way I could help the adoptive parents understand the adoptee’s experience more profoundly, I would be happy to do that when time permits.

I believe adopted adults hold the keys to understanding all the heartache and heartbreak adoptees experience after separation from their biological mother. We also understand life as the adoptee experience. A group of 10 adoptive parents can gather to talk about their adopted kids, but they will never understand the layers and complexities that an adult adoptee can share. We understand the grief, loss, and trauma because we’ve sat in it. We live it each day.

I need to be transparent. My motivation is more for the adoptee because they are the community I pour my heart and soul into. So with that, if networking with the adoptive parents will bring some healing and clarity, I will try, but only if they are willing to listen and learn.

I learned a hard lesson in 2015, about five years after coming out of the fog. When adoptive parents didn’t want to receive the message, I would insert my views, experiences, and words into conversations with adoptive parents online. Then, they would shut me down and silence me, and I would become worked up. I can’t even begin to describe the anguish and emotional triggering I put myself through because interactions online like this happened repeatedly. It seems easy, but it was excruciating when I put myself in these situations!

Until one day, I woke up. Then, I realized I had the power to excuse these frustrating interactions from my life altogether. I learned that the only way my message would be received was if the person was willing to receive the message I wanted to share! Wow, this was a game-changer for me. But, to be completely honest, this isn’t only in the adoption arena.

This is with every area of life.

Once I learned that a small number of adoptive parents wanted to hear from the adult adoptee’s perspective to understand their adoptive child better, things started to shift for me. The small number of adoptive parents I have had significant positive interactions with have given me the hope that some adoptive parents out there have the willingness in them to listen and learn. They genuinely want to try. Thank you for your willingness. I’m sure there are plenty of adoptive parents who want to listen and learn, I just haven’t met them. I actually wrote an article about this one time in 2014 called, Just Listen, That is All.

I realized I was selling myself short when communicating and speaking to adoptive parents. However, the small number of interactions I have had, mostly in real life, have been positive, meaningful, and life-changing. In addition, I have had 1 to 2 positive experiences online with adoptive parents who have reached out to me about advice that have been positive interactions.

While the positive experiences are far and few between, I have chosen to put my mental health first and no longer insert my opinion or experience to adoptive parents online unless they seek me out first. When they come with open hearts and minds, I will consider engaging. I wrote an article about this one time.

When Adoptive Parents Have the Willingness to Listen,

With this, I have been able to shift little by little regarding my feelings towards adoptive parents, and because of these positive experiences, I hope things are changing for the better, but we still have a long way to go. So today, I set boundaries and refuse to allow much of my time dedicated to APs because it takes time away from my commitment to adoptees. Wasting time with anyone who doesn’t have the willingness to listen and learn is something I will no longer do. So, I took my power back. If this article resonates with you, I encourage you to do the same.

If you are an adoptive parent, do you have the willingness to have hard, yet truthful conversations with adult adoptees? Do you feel they hold a special value to the adoptee experience? If you have had conversations with adult adoptees, what has that experience been like for you?

If you are an adoptee reading this, what has your experience been like with communicating with adoptive parents? Have you had mainly positive experiences, or have they been similar to mine?

Why do you think adoptive parents are so triggering to many adoptees? If they have been triggering to you, as they have me, is there been anything that helps you navigate these experiences?

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

Thanks for reading,

Love, Love.

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova

What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova5 Comments

“Other than helping you find your birth family sooner, is there anything you believe your adoptive mom could have done to decrease the amount of anger and resentment you felt towards her?”

 
 
This is a very valuable question I was asked by an adoptive mom who wants to know more so she can have some input on her adoptive children. I COMMEND her for asking!  
*She would have let me blossom into my own person and not try to mold me and shape me to be like her. I was nothing like her. We had no similarities and I didn’t like the same things she did, but she didn’t give me options other than the things she wanted me to do. An example is ballet. Ballet is beautiful, but I hated it. I never wanted to take it. One example of many.
*She always made me feel guilty about even asking about my first mother. I never even spoke of my biological father or the fact that I may have siblings. If she made me feel bad about wanting to know more about my first mother, of course she would do the same about the rest. This made me feel extremely alone. It hurt me deeply that I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. This has created lifelong pain for me.
*Talking about my first family shouldn’t be a secret. They are a part of me, why the “hush hush” attitude? How do you think it makes a child feel when you hide a part of them? It’s no wonder I had low self-esteem my whole life. She never spoke about them, unless I brought it up. Then I was made to feel guilty.
*I wasn’t allowed to express love for my first family. This hurt me deeply.
*She told me I was a gift. I understand in the Christian world, everyone refers to babies as “Gifts from God”. That’s all find and dandy but adoptees can find this very offensive as if we are something of monetary value. Yes, I believe babies are a gift from God, but please avoid saying this to your adoptive child. It can cause more harm than good.
*Counselors were sought my entire life, beginning at age 6. I found out I was adopted at age 5. The original trauma of being separated from my biological mother never was mentioned? It was the root of my issues but growing up being made to feel guilty and that I should just be grateful for someone wanting me when my own mother didn’t I was never able to feel comfortable to voice my true feelings. Don’t ignore this very critical fact that could have a major impact on your child’s behavior. Being separated from your biological mother at the beginning of life is the biggest trauma your child will ever face. Read Nancy Newton Verriers book, “The Primal Wound”.
*Please don’t ignore your child when they speak of their first family. This is their way of opening up. NEVER make it about YOU and YOUR feelings. It’s not about you. It’s about them and they need to feel comfortable without being shamed for the curiousity of their first family and their feelings need validated. This is CRITICAL to the healing process.
*Adoptees need to heal from the trauma they have gone through. So do kids in foster care. You can’t erase their history. Please don’t try. Not discussing all the details about their first family is erasing their history. Please bring it up, and make it an open topic of conversations. This is one of the biggest hurts of my life is having to keep my feelings a secret. Adoptive parents say, “Sally never talks about her biological family, and she says she loves being adopted.”  More than likely Sally is not a teenager yet, and hasen’t fully grasped what adoption means. Children are going to be slower at identifying true feelings, and learning that they can talk about their first family. As the adult and adoptive parent you should start these conversations. I WISH MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER SAID, “It’s okay to love your first family and have a sad heart you aren’t with them!”.
*Never speak for the first family. A better life is just a different life. A child can’t comprehend how you “LOVE” something and you “Give it away”.  This is very confusing to a child. I never could comprehend this and I am just figuring out today the truth. What I wish my adoptive mom said is, “Your first mother wasn’t able to take care of you so she placed you up for adoption to a family that could take care of you.”  None of the nonsense about a “Better Life” or “She loved you so much.” No one truly knows how she felt. So stop trying to answer questions for her. It only makes it worse!
*If she was a $2 crack whore or a satanic cult leader it doesn’t matter, SHE IS STILL OUR MOTHER! Please do not make the child feel bad about the way their first families were. We are ALL HUMAN. WE ALL FALL SHORT. Abusing a child is never okay, and of course there are many cases where the best interest of the child is to be taken to a safe place. No matter how horrible the biological family is, any time a child is taken from it’s mother a trauma occours. But if you make the child feel guilty about wanting to know their first family they will feel bad about themselves. I feel that honesty at age appropriate times is critical. “Your first mother was very sick and not able to care for you so she reached out to someone who could, that’s why we adopted you.” OR if she didn’t reach out to someone that could, and the child was taken then leave that part out. “You were in an unsafe environment and you were moved to a safe place.” That is a perfect statement vs. sharing she was a satanic cult leader or a crack whore.  If the child was abused, then you could share the child was abused but details about the abuse can be shared if the child grows into an adult and asks the details on his or her own. I don’t’ feel secrets should be kept but I do feel a******This is being honest but protecting the child at the same time.  Think of wanting to protect the child, you wouldn’t want them to know all your deepest darkest mistakes would you? When they are old enough and start asking details then share what you know but when they are at young tender ages they don’t need to know the negative things about their first families. I got to a point where I fought everyone to find out the TRUTH. But if I ever had my adoptive parents sit down and explain to me all they knew at an appropriate age, then I would have known much sooner. But please know I didn’t love my birth mother any less no matter what kind of person she was. I NEEDED TO MEET HER AND SEE FOR MYSELF! I put in my testimony, “They say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and I agree. But I needed to see for myself!”.
*When you adopt a child please know you adopt the first family as well. If you go into adopting thinking your child has a blank slate, you are very mistaken. ALL CHILDREN HAVE A HISTORY. Our history is a part of us and will always be. Please acknowledge this.
*Always acknowledge your child’s feelings. Good and bad they deserve validation.
*Don’t expect to lie to me and for me to be happy with that. My adoptive mother lied to me my entire life. “When we get enough money for an attorney to get the sealed records opened we will try to search for your birth family, but right now we don’t have enough money.” I always hung onto that hope, and all of a sudden one day “POOF” she knows my birth mothers name. I was angry at her for along time for this. Yes, she didn’t have to tell me at all but she would have to live with that. It is wrong to hold someones history from them!
*Any time a child is severed from their biological roots this can cause major identity issues. Please be prepared to connect all the dots for your child, and to assist them in whatever way possible so they can put all the pieces to their puzzle together. If you have to get on board with adoptee rights do it. It will mean so much to your child!!! They deserve to know ALL the answers to their history.
*Remember your history is not their history. No matter how bad you want it to be, it’s not and it’s not the same. They have a different family tree. Their ancestors come from a different place. This needs to be acknowledged. Never ignored. It should never be a secret. If they see this is important to the adoptive family they will see its okay to talk about it. You can never erase someone’s history. [HIS] Story- [HER] Story. Just because you adopt a baby this doesn’t mean their history is erased. Every child no matter what the age has a history. It is WRONG to try to erase it.
*Open adoption has a set of issues of it’s own. I don’t write much about it because I haven’t experienced it. I believe you truly have to experience something to be able to know how it feels. Maybe that’s why I have so much to say about how it feels to be adopted? But what I have heard others bring up is that children in an open adoption can have many issues related to wondering why their first family is in their life, but they can’t take care of them? This causes a whole set of abandonment & rejection issues of their own aside from the original trauma of abandonment. I feel open adoption takes the “wondering” issue away but the original trauma of being abandoned by your own mother is still there. This is the root issue of dysfunction and can cause a lot of grief and loss issues unless it is handled in an appropriate way. Again, read Nancy Newton Verrier, “The Primal Wound”.
*Denying the truth and all the issues that can come with adoption and pretending that just because the child isn’t speaking about their issues, doesn’t mean they are not there. I always felt a total divided sense of loyalty to both families. This was heart breaking, and I was never able to express these true feelings until I got older. Just because your adoptive child says they love being adopted and they appear to feel great about their experience doesn’t mean they don’t have some deep seeded issues there. Remember, any time a mother and a child is separated a trauma occurs- No matter WHY they were separated. Younger children are not able to fully grasp what adoption means, this doesn’t mean they don’t wonder, or have emotional issues related to being adopted.

*Help your child create a keep sake box or chest with information about their first family. Every detail you can think or and any information you have been given. This will mean so much to them when they are older. Letters, pictures, cards, keep sakes, documentation of their birth, medical history, Original Birth Certificate, anything you can get your hands on about their history. I know of an adoptive mother who kept a baby blanket and some letters her adoptive childs first mother gave her to give to her child. The child found out about this later when she met her first mother, and nothing was ever given to her. This sent her in immediate rage and anger and she was left very upset. If the biological family sends things for this child, open adoption or not, do not take it and never give it to the person it belongs to. This is wrong!

*Never EVER lie to your child. We spend our whole lives with our parents telling us “Lying is never okay!” Guess what.. In adoption its not okay either!
*Realized Birthdays may be very difficult. “Birth” day. Imagine the trauma that happened that day? Some adoptees have a very difficult time celebrating. Others may not. I experience an inconsolable grief on that day. It’s very difficult to handle and I am forced to smile and put on a happy face for those around me. It’s grueling. It’s a day I despise.
*I wish my adoptive mom would have gotten some extensive therapy before adopting me. She was unable to have children of her own, and instead of grieve her loss, she adopted. This caused me great pain growing up because she has some severe deep rooted emotional issues due to her loss from not being able to have her own children, and I had to pay for that. Her root issues of infertility were they cause of much of her dysfunctional behaviors and addictions. Her feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness interfered with her parenting causing me to feel even more abandoned and rejected than I already did.
*I believe all adoptive parents should read The Primal Wound, Nancy Newton Verrier. I can’t share this enough!
*It would mean the world to adoptees if their adoptive parents jumped on the bandwagon and helped them get access to their Original Birth Certificates. This would have meant everything to me, but I have never received one bit of support from my adoptive parents and this has caused a great division between us. I can’t talk to them about my first family who is part of me. This causes more pain and I will never understand how you can adopt a child and expect them to forget their first family. This is so not right.
*Always realize that adoption is not a natural situation. What is natural is a child being raised by their very own flesh and blood and biological family. Our reactions to an unnatural situation are very normal for a not normal situation. Never make your adoptive child feel guilty for wanting to know more about where they come from. For wanting to know all the details about their first mother who carried them for 9 months, for wanting to know their siblings and who their father is. If you make them feel guilty in any way they will shut down. They will repress everything and it will come out in other ways. Anger, rage, low self-esteem, their relationships, how they parent their children, etc. Please let them share openly and freely about their first family and any questions they may have.
*Don’t be surprised when your adoptive child feels robbed of so much. I feel that because people and an industry CHOSE what they wanted for my life, I have lost more than they could ever comprehend. Relationships robbed, and so many family memories, and holidays never to be replaced. This is a loss, and it deserves acknowledgement. It’s a REAL LOSS so please don’t ignore that it’s there.
*Reunion should be between the adoptee and the biological families. They should be able to reunite without their adoptive families smothering them. They will have so much missed and time to make up for. Give them their space, and trust that everything will be okay.
*Money doesn’t take away the fact we lost so much. I would have rather been dirt poor with my biological family then be with strangers that denied me the right to love my first family or acknowledge their existence.
*I feel adoptive parents need to get therapy for any insecurity they may have about their adoptive child meeting their first families. Your issues are not our issues. Please get help. Reality is , if you have done an outstanding job raising your adoptive child, you will have nothing to worry about.
Love is not all we need. We need the answers to our history. ALL OF IT. You have the choice to join that fight or we will do it alone. I say “Fight” because so many people are still against adoptees discovering the truth to their history, and states are still closed records.
Visit The Adoptee Right’s Coalition and help figure out how you can help get on board.
Visit www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadoptedand ask questions so you can receive some feedback from those who have lived with being adopted.
Keep reading adoptee blogs. If you are an adoptive parent or potential adoptive parent and you have made it this far I commend you!
I am sure I can think of more, but these are the things that come to my mind based on my experience.  I hope and pray that adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents somewhere out there can read this and open their hearts and understand a little better.
Are you adopted? What can you add?