Category: adoptee rights

Finally Sending Off For My Original Birth Certificate After 47 Years!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

Today is January 1, 2022. I never thought the day would get here where I could finally say that I could apply to receive my original birth certificate from the Iowa Department of Public Health. But unfortunately, most non-adopted people don’t know that most adopted individuals from the USA (and other countries) don’t have their Original Birth Certificates, so I am here to explain things a bit.

While I am eternally grateful for the opportunity and all the hard work in getting this law changed, for some reason, I thought I would be able to do this online, so when I went online to do it this morning, I was a bit disappointed that I had to download forms, fill them out, get them notarized by a notary and mail them off with a $15.00 money order. Uggh. I hate to complain, but after waiting 47 years, I hoped it would be an online and much quicker process but it is the way it is and I can’t change it. The documents need notarized so I get it.

Nonetheless, I am still satisfied that I will have this completed by Monday, 1/3/22, and my request will be in a sealed envelope on its way to IDPH!

Some people who aren’t adopted might not understand what something like this means for an adoptee like myself. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone, but this is one of the most important events of my life. I know most of my fellow adoptees get it, but for others, I figured I might share a little about why this is such a milestone event and what it means to me to get my original birth certificate. I’ve been fighting the good fight for 47 years!

Back to 5 years old, I have been dreaming about the woman who gave me life. Who was she, what did she look like, did I know her, where could I find her? Was she looking for me? Questions plagued my mind every day of my life. So I started searching for her everywhere I went, all the way back to the beginning of knowing she existed.

When someone is adopted, their original birth certificate is sealed away by the state, and a new “Certificate of Live Birth” is issued to the adoptive parents with the biological parent’s information redacted. Then, it’s replaced with the adoptive parent’s information. This is to protect the identity of the birth parents and to eliminate the adoptee from ever finding out who they are. Unfortunately, this is one of the areas where the deception in adoption begins, and it only gets deeper and deeper as the years pass. This is one of the many reasons I can’t support the adoption industry. I can’t support secrecy, lies, and half-truths.

Can you imagine not knowing who your mother and father are?

I know you can’t because it’s unimaginable.

 It’s torture.

It’s inhumane.

It isn’t kind.

It’s vile.

It’s awful and cruel.

I was a persistent adoptee. I didn’t care who I hurt trying to find my truth because none of them cared how much relinquishment trauma, adoption trauma and secrets hurt me. I tell people on a scale of 1 to 10, and 1 being an adoptee with minor issues and 10 being an adoptee with many problems, I was at about 10,000 and off the charts with my adoptee issues. There has never been anything positive about adoption in my world. I can’t even think of ANYTHING positive that came out of it for me. Nothing. I have tried to think of things, but it has always bothered me to my core.

I didn’t bond with my adoptive mom, and being forced to bond with her was a traumatic experience for me. I was unfortunately stuck with her for legal reasons. So, as a result, I acted out in many ways, and I hated my life, I hated the world, and I have wanted to die more than I have wanted to stay alive. Why? Because the pain from my story has been so great that it almost killed me many times over.

From the #simplepieceofpaper initiative in 2012

The simple piece of paper has held the keys to my healing, and because I haven’t had it for 47 years, my healing has stalled because of it. I am one of the fortunate adoptees who pushed and pushed my way around because I was not taking “NO” for an answer when it came to finding my biological family. They told me no, I pushed harder. I was stalled, lied to, gaslit, and experienced so much emotional abuse because I wanted to know who my fucking parents were. It was and is abusive, and so many adoptees experience this abuse just because we want our information and sometimes we experience just because we are alive!

 I finally found both my biological parents, only to be rejected by both of them ten years apart. This broke my heart, and I was once convinced that was what would kill me. I was going to die of a broken heart.

The birth certificate for me is a seal of the deal. It’s the last missing puzzle piece to my story, and although I was one of the fortunate ones to find my biological people, I still want the first piece that I will ever have to my story. I don’t have a birth story. I don’t have happy memories or things from the first days of my life. But I have my original birth certificate. It’s a piece of me, and it’s a part of my story. The government has said I can’t have it for 47 years.

Some of the things that I am asking myself about my OBC are, I wonder if my birth mother named me? I wonder if it will have my birth father’s name on it? I wonder if it will have my time of birth and confirm my birth date? I wonder if I will get any other information, like health history or additional value notes? I wonder if I will even get it? What if I’m the exception and they don’t have it or can’t find it? What if they send it to me and it’s blank?

These are my obsessive thoughts, which I suspect many adoptees think about relating to the unknown. When someone doesn’t have the truth, we’re left to wonder, dream, fantasize, and even obsess about thoughts of who our biological family is and where they are. As if that isn’t punishment enough, many of us suffer from wondering if we are dating one of our very own siblings or cousins!

Adoption is INHUMANE.

I have had three significant milestones in my life, and that’s the birth of the three amazing humans I brought into the world. The next is the ability to gain access to my original birth certificate! The idea that the government can keep this from me, and it’s something that belongs to me, is revolting.

It’s damaging, and it hurts.

I had the honor of being invited to Des Moines, Iowa, in May 2021 to be present for Governor Kim Reynold’s bill signing that enacts a law for many adult adoptees to gain access to their original birth certificates. I was over the moon and so thrilled that I could attend. Here’s an article I wrote about it. My Sentiments on Iowa Bill HF855. When I showed up in Iowa, I decided to wear yellow as a sign of remembrance for all the adoptees who passed away before ever receiving their truth.

From the bottom of my heart, I can honestly say that gaining access to my original birth certificate is something I would never be alive to see. I have fantasized about this my entire life. I can’t help but ponder all the people who passed away before receiving their original birth certificates. I also think of all the people who will just be finding their biological family but find out their biological parents have passed away. The reality is, no adopted person should be withheld from knowing who their biological parent is, ever. And to be completely frank, no one adopted or not should have to live without knowing who their biological parent/s are. It really can and does do an unmeasurable amount of damage, and it can and does last a lifetime. It also reverberates through future generations.

While I’m learning after I mail this request off, I will then have to wait 6-8 weeks before I receive my OBC in the mail. Let me share something with you about the mail. When I found my birth mother in 1995, she promised to write me and send me pictures. I was so excited to see what she looked like and her handwriting. I was dying to know her thoughts or if she had any sentiments to share. You know, something sweet for the daughter she gave away 21 years earlier. I checked the mail every day; I met the mailman at the box most days because I watched for him. Days passed, followed by weeks and months. She lied; she didn’t keep the agreement. I was crushed, and still to this day, every day I walk to the mailbox, I think of her, and all those days I waited, and I never got anything.

I think waiting on my OBC might be triggering because of this, and because as an adopted person, I have spent my whole life WAITING on her to come back or to change her mind about me. So I am not sure how I will handle the next 6-8 weeks, but I will do it the only way I know-how. Relish in plenty of self-care, and stay busy. Idol time isn’t my friend.

I’ve decided I will likely get together with my kids, and they can be with me as I open it. I might invite two close friends. I am sure I will be an emotional basket case, but I am ready to get this chapter behind me. No matter what I get back in the mail or how this turns out, this will likely be the last chapter of my search, the final clue I collect, and the last piece to my puzzle. Of course, I can never say never, but these are my thoughts now.

Interestingly, my OBC is something I’m gaining access to at 47 years old, and it’s a significant tangible piece to my truth and the beginning of my life. However, if I’m lucky, my life is likely half over, and I’m just now getting this simple piece of paper. Just wow.

I hope in 2022, more people who aren’t adopted get on board for advocating for equal access for every single adult adopted person to be able to gain access to what’s rightfully theirs, and that’s their original birth certificate. Every state needs to change these laws, and every adopted person deserves to know who they are and where they came from.

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova

Adoptee Rights Rally Letter Writing Campaign

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

Good Evening Everyone,

We’re starting a letter writing campaign and we wanted to make sure you were invited to participate.

The goal is to have as many adoptees impacted by adoption write a letter to President Obama and we want him to receive the letters by February 14th. This gives us all this week to pull something together and get busy. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he would get flooded with letters from those impacted by adoption in time for Valentine’s Day?

Yes, you guessed it that’s 2 weeks away!

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All it will cost you is a few minutes and a stamp and envelope. Let’s face it, WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER. Multiple letters will make more of an impact than very few.

 WE NEED YOUR HELP!

We would like you to express that although we were adopted, some of our adoptions were successful and some were not but the longing to answer the questions, “WHO AM I” & “WHERE DID I COME FROM” have haunted us all our lives. We really would like you to pour your heart out at an attempt to pull some heart strings. Share why this is so important to you and your kids, and their kids. Don’t forget to share the most important part- IT’S OUR CONSTITUTIONAL AND CIVIL RIGHT TO HAVE ACCESS TO THE SAME DOCUMENTS AS THE NON-ADOPTED WHICH IS A “SIMPLE PIECE OF PAPER” – KNOWN AS OUR ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

If you are one of the adoptees that already has your answers, please take part in this campaign for all your fellow adoptees that haven’t been so fortunate.

You could share in your letter to President Obama that this could be one of his biggest legacies to leave office having impacted hundreds of thousands of adoptees and families that are impacted by this archaic system. What better way to leave office than reuniting so many long lost family members?

If you have trouble writing your own letter you can use Sandy’s A Stroke of Your Pen letter to President Obama as a template. Feel free to get ideas from this letter. You will find it in the “File” section of the Adoption ALARM Facebook Group. Feel free to change things around and add and delete things, remove her name and add yours.  Also, please print off the ADOPTEES RESTORATION ACT and include it in your letter. You can also find this under the file section of the Adoption ALARM page.

Please share this letter writing campaign as many places as you can. Copy and paste it and share it on your social media, emails, with your fellow adoptees, etc. Please consider taking a picture of your letter and emailing it to pamelakaranova@gmail.com  ATTN: Letter to Obama before you send it off. This isn’t critical but it would be fun to share on our social media pages as we get closer to the rally and to use to encourage others to participate in this campaign.

Keep in mind the letter can’t be more than 500 words.

Writing letters to The White House please consider typing it on an 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheet of paper. If you hand-write your letter, please consider using pen and writing as neatly as possible. Please include your return address on your letter as well as your envelope. If you have an email address, please consider including that as well. And finally, be sure to include the full address of the White House to make sure your message gets to us as quickly and directly as possible:

The White House

President Obama

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20500

 Together we can do this!

When President Obama receives an outpouring of LOVE on February 14th is going to be an amazing way to show how important it is that ALL ADOPTEES HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATES.

Blessings to all,

2016-01-10 18.04.25

Pamela Karanova

Media & PR Team

Adoptee Rights Rally 2016

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Adoptee Rights Rally Petition Signing Party!

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

$11 Could Change Everything!!! 

If we could all consider this, we would have our 100,000 signatures in no time.

We need 100,000 Signatures For the for the President to enact an Executive Order which would restore the Original Birth Certificate to every ADULT ADOPTEE in America in one fell swoop because it is a civil and constitutional right! This seems like such a HUGE number but if we break this down this is what it looks like.

We already have 15,000 signatures so we are only seeking 85,000 more.

I spent $11 yesterday making 100 copies of the petition, and 20 copies of the Adoptee Restoration Act. I purchased one small pack of file folders. I’m putting 1 Adoptee Restoration Act and 5 Petition sheets in each, along with my contact information via a business card, but could be as simple as a label or your name and number written across the top.

I’m also including a personal letter from me into each petition packet, because as we share a piece of our hearts it seems peoples heart strings get pulled and they are more likely to sign and even get on board with adoptee rights. Here is a sample of my letter. Feel free to use it or ask me for a copy and I can email it to you, and you can change it around to suit you and your experience. I will be hand signing each one and include one in each file folder with the Adoptee Restoration Act and 5 petition sheets.

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Over the next week I’m building my own campaign team in my area reaching out to my fellow adoptees who are local first. I already have 3 signed up to help. Next I will be reaching out to my close friends (have no family here) but I have plenty of people who claim to “Love Me” so I plan on taking advantage of that and asking them to HELP ME! 🙂

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You can find both the petition sheet and the Adoptees Restoration Act sheet on the Adoption Alarm Website  website under “Document Library”

AdopteesRestorationAct09_2015

If I find 20 people to help and ask them to fill 5 sheets each, that’s 50 signatures each. Multiply that by 20 and I will have 1000 signatures myself.  All I’m doing is reaching out to my local people and ask if the would like to get on board and help this cause. Even people that aren’t adoptees would like to help because they might have someone impacted by adoption in their life. Some businesses would like to help and maybe sponsor us.

If we need 85,000 signatures that means if 85 people step up and take on this challenge to create their own local teams we would have all our signatures in the next few months. If we can double that to 170 people taking this challenge we would only need to get 500 signatures each which would make it even quicker and faster to gain these signatures.

85 people is not a lot!

If we split that load in half  that would be 170 people. The price would be $6 each to print the supplies. 

WE CAN DO THIS! 

It cost me $11 and a little time, and networking locally but in the process I will get my name out there for a great cause, and hopefully inform more people about the rally and what’s is involved with it. Each person we contact is one person we can share our desire WHY this is so important to so many adoptees all over the world!

ALL WE CAN DO IS TRY!!!!!!! If we commit to trying, we can keep track of how many signature sheets we have here and motivate and inspire one another. We can share who we have targeted in our area and how their response was to helping.

I’m asking for all those reading if they would commit to getting on board and helping with the Adoptee Rights Rally from the comfort of your own home and town. This offer is for EVERYONE who is reading this. No one person is excluded. If we get more signatures, that’s even better.

If you would commit and join our Adoptee Rights Petition Signing Party PLEASE make a commitment, you can email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com or comment on this blog post. You can send me a Facebook Message and you can also share this challenge with all those you know and love. Feel free to share it, copy and paste it or whatever you need to do to get the word out there.

Blessings,

Pamela Karanova, Lexington, KY

Adoptee Rights Rally 2016

Campaign Team, Media & PR

2016-01-10 18.04.25

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What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova5 Comments

“Other than helping you find your birth family sooner, is there anything you believe your adoptive mom could have done to decrease the amount of anger and resentment you felt towards her?”

 
 
This is a very valuable question I was asked by an adoptive mom who wants to know more so she can have some input on her adoptive children. I COMMEND her for asking!  
*She would have let me blossom into my own person and not try to mold me and shape me to be like her. I was nothing like her. We had no similarities and I didn’t like the same things she did, but she didn’t give me options other than the things she wanted me to do. An example is ballet. Ballet is beautiful, but I hated it. I never wanted to take it. One example of many.
*She always made me feel guilty about even asking about my first mother. I never even spoke of my biological father or the fact that I may have siblings. If she made me feel bad about wanting to know more about my first mother, of course she would do the same about the rest. This made me feel extremely alone. It hurt me deeply that I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. This has created lifelong pain for me.
*Talking about my first family shouldn’t be a secret. They are a part of me, why the “hush hush” attitude? How do you think it makes a child feel when you hide a part of them? It’s no wonder I had low self-esteem my whole life. She never spoke about them, unless I brought it up. Then I was made to feel guilty.
*I wasn’t allowed to express love for my first family. This hurt me deeply.
*She told me I was a gift. I understand in the Christian world, everyone refers to babies as “Gifts from God”. That’s all find and dandy but adoptees can find this very offensive as if we are something of monetary value. Yes, I believe babies are a gift from God, but please avoid saying this to your adoptive child. It can cause more harm than good.
*Counselors were sought my entire life, beginning at age 6. I found out I was adopted at age 5. The original trauma of being separated from my biological mother never was mentioned? It was the root of my issues but growing up being made to feel guilty and that I should just be grateful for someone wanting me when my own mother didn’t I was never able to feel comfortable to voice my true feelings. Don’t ignore this very critical fact that could have a major impact on your child’s behavior. Being separated from your biological mother at the beginning of life is the biggest trauma your child will ever face. Read Nancy Newton Verriers book, “The Primal Wound”.
*Please don’t ignore your child when they speak of their first family. This is their way of opening up. NEVER make it about YOU and YOUR feelings. It’s not about you. It’s about them and they need to feel comfortable without being shamed for the curiousity of their first family and their feelings need validated. This is CRITICAL to the healing process.
*Adoptees need to heal from the trauma they have gone through. So do kids in foster care. You can’t erase their history. Please don’t try. Not discussing all the details about their first family is erasing their history. Please bring it up, and make it an open topic of conversations. This is one of the biggest hurts of my life is having to keep my feelings a secret. Adoptive parents say, “Sally never talks about her biological family, and she says she loves being adopted.”  More than likely Sally is not a teenager yet, and hasen’t fully grasped what adoption means. Children are going to be slower at identifying true feelings, and learning that they can talk about their first family. As the adult and adoptive parent you should start these conversations. I WISH MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER SAID, “It’s okay to love your first family and have a sad heart you aren’t with them!”.
*Never speak for the first family. A better life is just a different life. A child can’t comprehend how you “LOVE” something and you “Give it away”.  This is very confusing to a child. I never could comprehend this and I am just figuring out today the truth. What I wish my adoptive mom said is, “Your first mother wasn’t able to take care of you so she placed you up for adoption to a family that could take care of you.”  None of the nonsense about a “Better Life” or “She loved you so much.” No one truly knows how she felt. So stop trying to answer questions for her. It only makes it worse!
*If she was a $2 crack whore or a satanic cult leader it doesn’t matter, SHE IS STILL OUR MOTHER! Please do not make the child feel bad about the way their first families were. We are ALL HUMAN. WE ALL FALL SHORT. Abusing a child is never okay, and of course there are many cases where the best interest of the child is to be taken to a safe place. No matter how horrible the biological family is, any time a child is taken from it’s mother a trauma occours. But if you make the child feel guilty about wanting to know their first family they will feel bad about themselves. I feel that honesty at age appropriate times is critical. “Your first mother was very sick and not able to care for you so she reached out to someone who could, that’s why we adopted you.” OR if she didn’t reach out to someone that could, and the child was taken then leave that part out. “You were in an unsafe environment and you were moved to a safe place.” That is a perfect statement vs. sharing she was a satanic cult leader or a crack whore.  If the child was abused, then you could share the child was abused but details about the abuse can be shared if the child grows into an adult and asks the details on his or her own. I don’t’ feel secrets should be kept but I do feel a******This is being honest but protecting the child at the same time.  Think of wanting to protect the child, you wouldn’t want them to know all your deepest darkest mistakes would you? When they are old enough and start asking details then share what you know but when they are at young tender ages they don’t need to know the negative things about their first families. I got to a point where I fought everyone to find out the TRUTH. But if I ever had my adoptive parents sit down and explain to me all they knew at an appropriate age, then I would have known much sooner. But please know I didn’t love my birth mother any less no matter what kind of person she was. I NEEDED TO MEET HER AND SEE FOR MYSELF! I put in my testimony, “They say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and I agree. But I needed to see for myself!”.
*When you adopt a child please know you adopt the first family as well. If you go into adopting thinking your child has a blank slate, you are very mistaken. ALL CHILDREN HAVE A HISTORY. Our history is a part of us and will always be. Please acknowledge this.
*Always acknowledge your child’s feelings. Good and bad they deserve validation.
*Don’t expect to lie to me and for me to be happy with that. My adoptive mother lied to me my entire life. “When we get enough money for an attorney to get the sealed records opened we will try to search for your birth family, but right now we don’t have enough money.” I always hung onto that hope, and all of a sudden one day “POOF” she knows my birth mothers name. I was angry at her for along time for this. Yes, she didn’t have to tell me at all but she would have to live with that. It is wrong to hold someones history from them!
*Any time a child is severed from their biological roots this can cause major identity issues. Please be prepared to connect all the dots for your child, and to assist them in whatever way possible so they can put all the pieces to their puzzle together. If you have to get on board with adoptee rights do it. It will mean so much to your child!!! They deserve to know ALL the answers to their history.
*Remember your history is not their history. No matter how bad you want it to be, it’s not and it’s not the same. They have a different family tree. Their ancestors come from a different place. This needs to be acknowledged. Never ignored. It should never be a secret. If they see this is important to the adoptive family they will see its okay to talk about it. You can never erase someone’s history. [HIS] Story- [HER] Story. Just because you adopt a baby this doesn’t mean their history is erased. Every child no matter what the age has a history. It is WRONG to try to erase it.
*Open adoption has a set of issues of it’s own. I don’t write much about it because I haven’t experienced it. I believe you truly have to experience something to be able to know how it feels. Maybe that’s why I have so much to say about how it feels to be adopted? But what I have heard others bring up is that children in an open adoption can have many issues related to wondering why their first family is in their life, but they can’t take care of them? This causes a whole set of abandonment & rejection issues of their own aside from the original trauma of abandonment. I feel open adoption takes the “wondering” issue away but the original trauma of being abandoned by your own mother is still there. This is the root issue of dysfunction and can cause a lot of grief and loss issues unless it is handled in an appropriate way. Again, read Nancy Newton Verrier, “The Primal Wound”.
*Denying the truth and all the issues that can come with adoption and pretending that just because the child isn’t speaking about their issues, doesn’t mean they are not there. I always felt a total divided sense of loyalty to both families. This was heart breaking, and I was never able to express these true feelings until I got older. Just because your adoptive child says they love being adopted and they appear to feel great about their experience doesn’t mean they don’t have some deep seeded issues there. Remember, any time a mother and a child is separated a trauma occurs- No matter WHY they were separated. Younger children are not able to fully grasp what adoption means, this doesn’t mean they don’t wonder, or have emotional issues related to being adopted.

*Help your child create a keep sake box or chest with information about their first family. Every detail you can think or and any information you have been given. This will mean so much to them when they are older. Letters, pictures, cards, keep sakes, documentation of their birth, medical history, Original Birth Certificate, anything you can get your hands on about their history. I know of an adoptive mother who kept a baby blanket and some letters her adoptive childs first mother gave her to give to her child. The child found out about this later when she met her first mother, and nothing was ever given to her. This sent her in immediate rage and anger and she was left very upset. If the biological family sends things for this child, open adoption or not, do not take it and never give it to the person it belongs to. This is wrong!

*Never EVER lie to your child. We spend our whole lives with our parents telling us “Lying is never okay!” Guess what.. In adoption its not okay either!
*Realized Birthdays may be very difficult. “Birth” day. Imagine the trauma that happened that day? Some adoptees have a very difficult time celebrating. Others may not. I experience an inconsolable grief on that day. It’s very difficult to handle and I am forced to smile and put on a happy face for those around me. It’s grueling. It’s a day I despise.
*I wish my adoptive mom would have gotten some extensive therapy before adopting me. She was unable to have children of her own, and instead of grieve her loss, she adopted. This caused me great pain growing up because she has some severe deep rooted emotional issues due to her loss from not being able to have her own children, and I had to pay for that. Her root issues of infertility were they cause of much of her dysfunctional behaviors and addictions. Her feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness interfered with her parenting causing me to feel even more abandoned and rejected than I already did.
*I believe all adoptive parents should read The Primal Wound, Nancy Newton Verrier. I can’t share this enough!
*It would mean the world to adoptees if their adoptive parents jumped on the bandwagon and helped them get access to their Original Birth Certificates. This would have meant everything to me, but I have never received one bit of support from my adoptive parents and this has caused a great division between us. I can’t talk to them about my first family who is part of me. This causes more pain and I will never understand how you can adopt a child and expect them to forget their first family. This is so not right.
*Always realize that adoption is not a natural situation. What is natural is a child being raised by their very own flesh and blood and biological family. Our reactions to an unnatural situation are very normal for a not normal situation. Never make your adoptive child feel guilty for wanting to know more about where they come from. For wanting to know all the details about their first mother who carried them for 9 months, for wanting to know their siblings and who their father is. If you make them feel guilty in any way they will shut down. They will repress everything and it will come out in other ways. Anger, rage, low self-esteem, their relationships, how they parent their children, etc. Please let them share openly and freely about their first family and any questions they may have.
*Don’t be surprised when your adoptive child feels robbed of so much. I feel that because people and an industry CHOSE what they wanted for my life, I have lost more than they could ever comprehend. Relationships robbed, and so many family memories, and holidays never to be replaced. This is a loss, and it deserves acknowledgement. It’s a REAL LOSS so please don’t ignore that it’s there.
*Reunion should be between the adoptee and the biological families. They should be able to reunite without their adoptive families smothering them. They will have so much missed and time to make up for. Give them their space, and trust that everything will be okay.
*Money doesn’t take away the fact we lost so much. I would have rather been dirt poor with my biological family then be with strangers that denied me the right to love my first family or acknowledge their existence.
*I feel adoptive parents need to get therapy for any insecurity they may have about their adoptive child meeting their first families. Your issues are not our issues. Please get help. Reality is , if you have done an outstanding job raising your adoptive child, you will have nothing to worry about.
Love is not all we need. We need the answers to our history. ALL OF IT. You have the choice to join that fight or we will do it alone. I say “Fight” because so many people are still against adoptees discovering the truth to their history, and states are still closed records.
Visit The Adoptee Right’s Coalition and help figure out how you can help get on board.
Visit www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadoptedand ask questions so you can receive some feedback from those who have lived with being adopted.
Keep reading adoptee blogs. If you are an adoptive parent or potential adoptive parent and you have made it this far I commend you!
I am sure I can think of more, but these are the things that come to my mind based on my experience.  I hope and pray that adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents somewhere out there can read this and open their hearts and understand a little better.
Are you adopted? What can you add?

If I Could, I Would..

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

Don’t you understand.. If I could see my adoption experience as a wonderful thing, I WOULD!

If I could just let go of the pain it has caused me, I WOULD!

If I could just fill the empty hole deep inside me, I WOULD!

If I could just take back my “Adoptee Status”, I WOULD!

If I could learn to bond with other people in a more profound way, I WOULD!

If the fear of rejection would just leave my body, I WOULD BE HAPPIER!

If I could explain how I feel without getting interrupted just one time, I WOULD!

If I could shake you so you understand my pain, I WOULD!

This is not the choice I picked for me, and my life. This wasn’t my choice at all. But now I have a choice what I’m going to do with this mess!

I’m going to help other adoptees, BECAUSE I CAN!

I’m going to learn how to cope with my wounds that are so deep, BECAUSE I CAN!

I’m going to use my God given ADOPTEE VOICE, BECAUSE I CAN!

I’m going to pray EVERYDAY that God help me get through another test, trial, or tribulation!, BECAUSE I CAN!

I will share my view, and opinion on my experience growing up in a closed adoption with other adoptive parents, so maybe they have a little glimpse of what their adopted child is maybe going through, BECAUSE I CAN!

I can understand what other adoptees are feeling, and going through, BECAUSE I AM ONE OF THEM!

Please don’t judge me, or any other adoptee for that matter, if you are not one of us. If you didn’t get torn from your biological roots, which are the very roots that define you as a person then you have no idea what its like to be adopted.

Please don’t judge me as being negative because my adoption experience is not a wonderful one, think about the fact that maybe adoption isn’t as pretty as you have thought it was?? That is possible.

I will continue to share my adoption experience with the world,
Adoptee In Recovery

8-13-13 Happy LIFE Day to me!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

About a week ago I got some super awesome news, and I am so excited to share it with you all!

If you don’t know by now, I am pretty vocal on my adoption views and have expressed in my blog much of my view point because I finally feel like I have a voice in my world. A voice of an adult adoptee. This voice has been an amazing healing tool for me. Finally I am figuring out who I am, and what I stand for, but this didn’t take place before 37 years of loss of identity and total chaos and confusion took place. Why? Because I’m adopted. Adoption is loss. Adoption is pain. Adoption is hurt. Adoption is lies.

In the last year, I have met many other adult adoptees via the Internet, and made some very special friends in the process. We share a bond that no one else can share. It has helped me in so many ways. I am not alone in feeling the way I feel. Sense discovering this, I have also discovered the Adoptee Rights Coalition. They are a group of amazing adopted individuals that stand for adoptees having equal rights like non adopted people. The meet each year at a certain destination and protest in a peaceful demonstration that Adoptees deserve to have access to their original birth certificates. It’s unfair treatment and laws that are taking place when a small handful of states allow this, and the rest don’t. Only very few states in the U.S. allow adoptees to gain access to their original birth certificates, the rest aren’t so fortunate. For an adult adoptee, this is a critical piece of our lives to find out who we REALLY are, and where we REALLY come from. If you aren’t adopted it might never cross your mind that almost all adopted individuals have a falsified birth certificate which makes us feel like our lives are based on lies. These falsified birth certificates are not real, they are not really who we are, and this is a huge injustice to us because we can’t truly know WHO WE ARE, until we know the TRUTH. Some adult adoptees go to their grave with never knowing who they really are. They never piece together their puzzle, for whatever reason. Some scared of rejection, or some because of lack of identifying information to complete the search. Whatever the reason, and there are a million. We all deserve to know where we come from, and to see our original birth certificates.

This realization taking place in my life has helped me understand a few things. I need to get active with The Adoptee Rights Coalition. I need to be there for the 2013 Demonstration because for me, this means so much! If you haven’t read my previous post about my falsified birth certificate, please check it out. But my birth certificate is falsified, and it is nothing more than a piece of lies to me. The dates don’t match up, and I have been told lies over the years but I do feel I deserve to see my original birth certificate because WE as adoptees deserve equal rights!

After deciding that no matter what happens I am going to be at the ARC -Adoptee Rights Coalition for the 2013 Demonstration I also decided a few other things in my life. One is that I am no longer celebrating my “birth” day. It is such a hard time and month in my life. I experience heart wrenching grief from all the thoughts that come with my “birth” day, and me being given away on that day. I have another post titled “Blue August Birthday” if you want to learn more about these feelings of grief. So deciding I’m not celebrating my birthday is one thing, but I know in my heart of hearts I must replace this day with another day, but I will call it my “HAPPY LIFE DAY”. I just hadn’t figured out when this day would be. I have done a lot of praying about all these things, and asking God to show me the way.

Another thing that has changed is me deciding I am no longer going to drink alcohol, and I have joined a 12 step program and Celebrate Recovery to help me do this. Sense finding my biological parents, and them both being alcoholics, I feel very strong that if I don’t stop drinking all the way, I am going to die like my birth mother. In a house that should have been condemned, all alone. She was a horrible alcoholic, and she smoked, had COPD, and was on oxygen. Her house was in horrific conditions. I know that if I don’t stop drinking I am going to end up like her. So I have made the decision to seek help, and guidance from Alcoholics Anonymous, and Celebrate Recovery. Today is 23 days sober. I can’t wait until I get to 30 days. Then 60..

My whole life has revolved around drinking. I started drinking alcohol sense I was 12. Stopped drinking the day before my 38th birthday. August 12, 2012 was my last drink of alcohol. For me to stop drinking is so much more to me than just “STOPPING DRINKING”. You see, to me it’s the beginning of my LIFE. The life that God intended for me to live. I sit and look over my life, and how many terrible choices I made where alcohol was related, and I just get sick with myself. I know that growing up with a total loss of “SELF” not knowing who I was, or where I came from caused me great grief from the time I found out I was adopted. Alcohol mad the pain go away, but only until I got sober, and then I would have to drink again. Alcohol distorted my life in so many ways I can’t even begin to tell you. But one thing I know now, TODAY is alcohol is no longer in my life. I can say I couldn’t do it alone. I need support from other alcoholics that can give me guidance, support and advice when I need it. Abusive relationships have been the head of my life, along with alcohol from the ages of 13-31. At 31 I was brave enough to get out of the last relationship, and it has taken me years to get to where I am today.The root of my issues with alcohol partly stem to my step brother molesting me when I was little, I would drink to numb the memories I have from him when I was intimate with whatever boyfriend I had at the time. This has gone on my entire life. I am sure I need consoling for this, but at this time I am working through these things with God as my guide, and other support from those who are close to me, and healing through writing of course. The abusive relationships play over and over in my head, like flashes of the memories. They never seem to go away, but I am not going to let those things define me anymore. I cant be the VICTIM and live in VICTORY. It’s impossible. I am so ready to live in victory it’s insane. As long as alcohol is in my life, it will take me back to being the victim, and block my blessings, and halt me from being the person God wants me to be.

So my reason for expressing all of these things is to get to some AMAZING SUPER AWESOME NEWS! As I stated before I am going replace my “birth”date with a different very special day called My Happy “Life” Day. I have made the decision to make this day on August 12, 2013 because that is the one year sobriety birthday and it will honestly be the one year celebration of me living the life God intended for me to live. August 12, 2013 is one day before the day I was born into this world which for me is a very tragic day. (Aug 13, 1974).
I am so excited about this I can’t even express how much this is going to mean to me, and this is why I say drinking alcohol is “LIFE OR DEATH” to me. If I drink, I can’t celebrate my one year sobriety birthday at all. It will not count. It will be disqualified to nothing. I won’t have a “birth” day, or a “Life” day or a sobriety “birth”day.. I will have nothing. So AUGUST 12, 2013 is HUGE for me.. But wait until you hear the rest!!!!!!!!!!!
I found out about a week ago that The Adoptee Rights Coalitions demonstration is in Atlanta next year and GUESS WHAT DAY IT’S ON?????????????????????????????????????????
AUGUST 12, 2013!!!!!!!!!!
I honestly don’t know when I have been so excited in my life!!! This is going to be HUGE for me,and you honestly can’t tell me GOD isn’t doing his thing with this one! I am in complete AWE at the amazing work he is doing in my life. He knows how important this date is to me. He knows how bad I wanted to be at The Adoptee Rights Coalition Demonstration in 2013! He knows how important my sobriety is to me. THIS DATE IS HUGE!!! Aside from the births of my kids, at this point in my life this is going to be the most important thing to date in my life’s history. I have such a passion for adoptees and the right for us to be able to obtain our original birth certificates. Now I will have a whole new focus on my depressing, sad, and horrific “birth”date. I will have a whole new day to celebrate.!
LIFE—SOBRIETY—ADOPTEE RIGHTS
CHEERS TO AUGUST 12, 2013!! 
GOD GETS THE GLORY!!!
If anyone in my area is interested in attending or getting to know a fellow adoptee contact me! Lexington, Ky
freesimplyme@gmail.com