Tag: How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

Adoptee Controlling Me…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

One of the things I’ve recently discovered about myself is my need to control my life and the fact that it’s increasingly becoming an obsession and an issue as I recover on this healing journey. I would love to know if any other adoptees can relate to what I’m about to share?

The most important step is me admitting that this is becoming an issue for me. I know that this symptom of controlling my own life is rooted in FEAR. I shared in my previous blog post my revelations on my life I’ve had over the last few weeks. It’s been a pretty tough time, but I’m trying to remember that God reveals things as he sees fit. Not as PAMELA sees fit. I’m peeling layers of the onion back, and those layers didn’t get there overnight so they will take TIME to heal and be peeled.

I’ve always known that when I have something planned, I get a  level of anxiety about the event until it’s over. I start to obsess over it and my mind races just anticipating the event. I’ve done this for a long time. I now realized that this is based on my FEAR of losing control over something associated with the event and my life. It takes over my mind, but as soon as the event is over I’m at peace. I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about fear losing control over these events and my life. Over the last year or so I have noticed I start to plan my day before the day even comes. Time & planning has become a MAJOR factor in me controlling my own life. I think being on time is a great quality to have, and planning is another one. I am TOP NOTCH in these areas. Where I see my problem at is when this begins to impact me in a negative way, and in return it impacts those around me in a negative way. I’ve even realized that I’m 100% self employed because I want to CONTROL that area of my life also! Hey, it works for me!

LISTEN UP: I do NOT have a need to control other’s lives. I do NOT care what other people are doing with their time. What I care about is MY TIME and MY LIFE and MY NEED TO CONTROL IT. The problem is when others innocently conflict with me controlling my time and my life. This has been such a weird revelation to me, but makes total sense at the same time. I get a lot of anxiety because OTHER PEOPLE don’t live up to my expectations on time and they innocently not even knowing it, cause a rift between me controlling my own life and MY TIME. I MEAN ANXIETY! Fear takes over my body, and I get angry, upset and feel like I’m losing control and it’s a scary feeling. This is rooted in FEAR.

When I say this obsession is rooted in FEAR I mean that when I was born, and all these decisions were made for my life it impacted me in a negative way. Other “people” controlled everything about EVERYTHING to do with my life. They controlled how I looked, where I lived, my feelings, who I could act like, who I could LOVE, all of my medical records, my ancestry, my roots, heritage, my history was all controlled by others. Every aspect of being an adoptee was controlled by others. I have learned that I’ve sheltered myself from most close relationships and I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone for fear of losing some control over my life, because when there are more people that’s less of a chance that I can control things for MY LIFE, MY WAY!

I WANT TO BE ON TOTAL CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!!  THIS IMPACTS MY RELATIONSHIPS AND I HAVE TO WORK ON THIS IF I EVER INTEND TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

Let me just say that I believe most people may want to be in control over their lives, BUT when it’s causing me problems I know I’ve gone overboard. I’ve uncovered this past week that my life is rooted in FEAR. That fear is paralyzing. Fear of people leaving me, fear of losing control of my life when I FINALLY have CONTROL over something. I’m in FEAR of people abandoning me. I’m in FEAR that people don’t really love me. I’m in FEAR that if I let people in I will lose control over controlling my life.  FEAR FEAR FEAR. I never would have thought that of all my issues God would reveal my entire life is being controlled by fear. One of these “fear” episodes can ruin an entire day for me & it’s exhausting!

I know FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. It’s one of his number one tactics to take us under. He wants me to isolate myself, to have bad relationships and to be alone. He wants me to be haunted by FEAR and to be PARALIZED by it. He’s done a pretty good job so far, but THE DEVIL IS A LIE. I refuse to live in this bondage of FEAR and I am now at a place where this is the next step I’m going to work on.

It took me the first 2 years of my recovery journey of living in sobriety to finally come to a place of acceptance of my adoptee journey, I’ve forgiven my birth mother when I was so ANGRY at her. I have accepted that I will never have a mother. These were all very difficult things to work through and God is still healing me daily. But now that another layer of the onion has been peeled, and I realize I still have more to work on I feel like I’m at the bottom of the mountain again. Each day I will wake up and focus on conquering the devil who’s trying to control my mind, my thoughts and my life! FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. The closer I get with God, the more my fear will fade. I have accepted this may take a lifetime.

When our entire lives are traumatized by our adoption experience I’ve accepted it may take an entire lifetime to heal. My next move is documenting and identifying my triggers that result in these fear episodes. It literally paralyzes me! My entire body and mind locks up and I get REALLY quiet, and my mind totally races, I get sick to my stomach, I can’t think of anything else but what FEAR I’m experiencing. Keep in mind this is mentally exhausting!!!  I’m still in AWE that God has revealed this to me. I’m honestly THANKFUL because I do NOT WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FEAR OF PEOPLE LEAVING ME AND LOSING CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!

Today, I’m thankful for Celebrate Recovery, and for the tools to work through these deep rooted emotional issues that stem from my adoption experience. I do have hope, but I know this isn’t going to be an easy fix. It’s a process.

“When God brings you to a new level be ready to experience a whole new devil!” – Joyce Meyer

This speaks volumes to me! I know as I grow, the devil is out to destroy me.The great thing is I’m suited up in my spiritual armor and I’m learning that each time I’m in fear of anything it IS the devil, so that means I need to SPEAK LIFE OUTLOUD and let the devil know he’s not in front of me, he’s behind me. He’s under my FOOT. He has NO POWER or control over my life.

My journey is one of healing and hope. I hope and pray that adoptees all over understand they aren’t alone and there is HOPE in healing from our adoption experiences. I’ve also experienced abuse in all forms aside from the adoption trauma I face daily. My hope comes from God because I know he alone is the one who can help me recovery.

I have many more examples of fear I’m going to share in future blog posts. Can any adoptees here relate to the FEAR I’m experiencing? Do you have a increased desire to control your own life?

-Pamela Jones AKA Adoptee In Recovery

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Discovering My Fears…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova1 Comment

I’m a pretty positive person. I am thankful every day I’m able to HEAR the alarm, SEE the clock, and my feet are PHYSICALLY able to hit the floor. Not once in a while, but every day!  When you care for elderly who are more than humble with physical limitations it helps you see what many people take for granted. I don’t take those simple things for granted. When I arrive at my home on a cold winter day, walk inside and the warm air hits my face I’m humbly reminded that so many don’t have a home to go to, let alone a warm one. Bottom line is, I’m thankful.

Most of my heartaches in life I save to share here in my blog, and at Celebrate Recovery, (CR). At CR I share some of my biggest hurts because it’s a safe place where I’m able to do this without judgment and condemnation. My blog is also a safe place for me, because no one tells me how to feel here. It’s all me, my feelings based on my life’s experiences.

As I pray and ask God to REVEAL things to me, that I need to work on one thing that God has brought to my attention this past week is that I’m operating in complete FEAR of abandonment & rejection based on my history and the things I’ve been through in life. It’s been a “AH-HA” week for me, and a rather emotionally exhausting one. I have always said, “I don’t live in FEAR because I have FAITH”. Well that is a lie. I uncovered some truths about myself and why I am the way I am, and living in FEAR is a big part of my life. I never realized it until now. I know this is in part because I spend my whole life numbing my pain with alcohol. From 12-37 I drank to cope, and on August 12, 2012 I started a recovery ministry. I have 2 years sobriety now and feelings are REAL! Feelings I never felt before because alcohol was a big part of my life. I never faced my issues until I stopped drinking. Many people, and adoptees depend on substances to numb the pain! This is hardcore deep rooted pain we experience!

You see, when we start a recovery journey it’s like peeling back layers of an onion. But we have to recognize how those layers got there. One by one, event after event, the layers built up over time, over our lives and we have YEARS OF LAYERS to work through. This is no QUICK FIX. The first 2 years of my recovery journey I worked on forgiving my birth mother, accepting my adoption experience, and forgiving my adoptive parents for lying to me my whole life. I still have work to do, but it took me 2 whole years just to address those few issues.  I’m just now healing at 40 years old because I spent 38 years being told I should be grateful for being adopted. Because of this I always feeling like something was wrong with ME because I was far from grateful for losing my first family and my history. So here I am, healing slowly. After I processed much of my feelings the first 2 years, and asked God to come in and heal me by working the 12 Steps in Celebrate Recovery (similar to AA but biblically based) God began to reveal more to me. Little by little he keeps revealing more. He knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! I also heard Joyce Meyer say in a CD series I’m listening to about fear, “When God takes you to a new level, you’re about to see a NEW DEVIL!”.  Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy so he doesn’t want to see us overcome! He doesn’t want us to HEAL! He will throw as much FEAR at us as possible! So it’s critical to recognize it and WORK ON IT! I don’t know about YOU, but I’m TIRED OF LIVING IN FEAR!

By God revealing that I am living in FEAR it’s opened up the door way for me to step on into a place of processing WHY I’m in FEAR and acknowledge that my FEAR is NORMAL for a life that has had some things happen that are NOT NORMAL. Let’s me be clear, HEALING IS ON MY MIND! I’m not going to sit up here and write in this blog and be ALL NEGATIVE about my PAST HURTS, without healing in mind. I’m sharing my feelings because I need this place for validation, and a release. I also want other adoptees to know they aren’t alone.

I KNOW GOD HEALS!

Now you may ask what am I in fear of?  I will go in more details in some of my next posts, but I’m in paralyzing FEAR of people abandoning me!  I’m in FEAR of people rejecting me! I’m in FEAR of people HURTING ME! I know, I know… Many people might say, “We all live in FEAR of some kind.”  I believe you are right, but the difference is I REFUSE TO CONTINUE TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! These fearful CRAZY episodes are WAY TO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. I do NOT want to live the rest of my life in bondage from FEAR based on my past situations. It’s critical I learn the triggers, and there is a list a mile long!

I will write in my next blog post about what this fear feels like to me. The fear from abandonment & rejection that have impacted EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE are ROOTED from being given up for adoption at the beginning of life. It’s rooted in being rejected by my birth parents, and when I found them they rejected me again. This is where my root issues stem from. In Celebrate Recovery we get to the ROOT ISSUES, so we call PULL THEM UP and ask God to heal them and move forward.

I’m also suffering with a increased desire to control my life, and it’s having a negative impact on me so that’s something else I’m about to work on and write about. When adoptees go their entire lives controlling NOTHING about decisions that were made for our lives THAT IMPACTED SO MUCH we want to CONTROL. The biggest thing I’ve noticed lately that’s having a negative impact on me is TIME and PLANNING. Surprisingly, I can also discover this having a root issue from my adoption experience. I WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE! ADOPTION CONTROLED EVERYTHING, NOW IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!! But as you can imagine, this has negative side effects. I will be sharing some in future blog posts.

I’m thankful for God bringing these things to my attention, and for the strength to share some of my struggles. Fear, Control, Abandonment & Rejection are tactics from the devil. He doesn’t want me to be free, but I’m determined to break out of these negative and dysfunctional thought patterns that have developed from my adoption experience & lifes experiences. It will take time but I’m excited to share my journey with you!

For the adoptees here, have you discovered you operate in FEAR? Or am I alone here?

-Adoptee In Recovery

**Adoptees will never be able to HEAL unless they DISCOVER their TRUTH**

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

When I Found Out I Was Adopted

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova5 Comments

My life changed in a major way when I found out I was adopted. I will never forget watching a TV program with my adoptive mom and seeing a woman who gave birth to a baby. Being curious as kids are, I made a comment to my adoptive mom, “Mommy, did I come out of your belly like that?”. I remember her response was something like this…

“No you didn’t come out of my belly. You came out of another woman’s belly. She loved you so much she wanted you to have a better life so she gave you to me to raise.”

This was a moment I will never forget. I never understood how you love something but you give it away. I think back now and try to think of what my adoptive mom COULD have said that wouldn’t have had such a negative impact on me. As a 5 year old child I couldn’t comprehend this. I whole heartedly believe she did the right thing by telling me but the WAY she said it was something that had a negative impact on me my entire life.

I’m an adoptee who can say “I always knew I was adopted” because she did tell me. I believe back in the 70’s adoptive parents weren’t anywhere near equipped in how to tell your child their adopted, like they are now or how to handle “what to do” being adoptive parents. I’m not saying she meant to hurt me, but the way she told me would forever taint my view of love. When you love something you keep it, you don’t give it away. “She gave you to me to raise.”… I felt disposable, unlovable, and like a piece of property. This was the first moment in my life I began to search for my birth mother. I began to ask questions. Who was she? Where was she? How do I find her? I never EVER stopped asking about my birth mother.

As a 40 year old woman I look back over my journey, and I’ve tried to think of a way my adoptive mom could have told me that I was adopted that didn’t confuse me on such a deep level. I feel like giving something or someone away and associating it out of “Love” is far too confusing for a child to understand. It was total abandonment to me. This still has a deep rooted impact on me today. I feel like everyone in my life is going to abandon me.

I wish she would have said, “You have a biological mommy who couldn’t take care of you, so she found someone who could. That someone was me.” But see that type of answer would have come with more questions behind it. “Why couldn’t she take care of me?” is what I would have asked. And then the TRUTH would have come out. But I know from experience in living it, adoption secrets and lies are a big part of the adoption experience and a huge part of my pain. Everyone was “protecting” me from my own history. The fight to find my history all alone has caused me more heartache and pain than anyone could imagine.

I wish I was never told my birth mother loved me. She didn’t love me. The adoption industry as a whole seems to always want to speak for birth mothers. Once I acknowledged this TRUTH it was easier of me to let go of the pain and move forward and heal.

“You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there” (Jeremiah 6:14)

NOT ALL BIRTH MOTHERS LOVE THEIR BABIES.  SOME OF THEM JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THE PROBLEM. THIS IS A FACT. THIS IS WHY IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE ANYONE ON EARTH LOVES ME. YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR OWN CHILD & GIVE IT AWAY & REJECT IT AFTER IT COMES TO FIND YOU.

That’s not love. The shenanigans of her “Loving me so much she gave me away” could have saved me a whole lot of heartache if the truth was told. I’m not saying they could have told me she didn’t love me. Of course everyone would like to think she did. It is definitely a more pleasant thought. But her actions after I found her and she rejected me after meeting one time showed me otherwise. The entire story of how I was conceived was my TRUTH and after learning that, I was able to gain a better understanding of WHY she chose to give me up for adoption. I needed my truth to move forward with my life and to be able to accept it for what it is.

DO ADOPTIVE PARENTS UNDERSTAND THEY ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF OUR HEALING BY WITHHOLDING OUR TRUTH FROM US?  

Let me add, I will always be thankful my adoptive mother was honest about telling me. If she didn’t tell me it would nothing short of holding someones identity hostage, and if it were me I could never live with myself or do that to someone. For the adoptive parents who make the choice not to tell their adoptive kids their adopted, I feel you are making a huge mistake. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. Adding the trauma of being lied too your whole life is beyond devastating on the adoptee. Being adopted is hard enough on it’s own.

For the adoptive parents who may be reading; How did you tell your adopted child they were adopted? Where did you get your advice from? If you haven’t told them, what are you waiting for?

For the adoptees here, how were you told you were adopted? How did it make you feel?

-Adoptee In Recovery

@freesimplyme