Tag: Revelations

Withdraw & Retreat

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

I don’t consider it isolation. 

I consider it me getting alone with God. 

That’s a wonderful place to be IMHO. I’ve come to a cross roads in life. I feel like I’ve come to many cross roads over the last few years, but none quite like this one. I feel a total peace about the place I am, and this is why I know it’s from God. 

I’ve learned over time it’s so easy to become co-dependent on people, places and things. I am striving to be free of codependency of people, places and things. The more I let go of people, places and things the more free I become. The more free I feel. Free to me is a “Safe Space” for me to be in. The less people, places and things the less drama, hiccups and nonsense I have that comes my way.

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Facebook for quite some time now. I am learning that Facebook is just a tool used for everyone to be up in your business, when reality is most of those people aren’t even in my life. It’s almost as if I’ve noticed Facebook has a sort of control over me. I have made the choice to “Opt-Out” of allowing Facebook to have this control over my life, at least for the time being. It’s apparent in my life anyway, something can happen spur of the moment and I make the choice to log back in and there I go… Wasting time, very valuable precious time on meddling in what others are doing. I put up a status that is heartwarming for those who read it and go about my merry way. There is much more to Pamela Karanova than what I share on Facebook. I have many layers as we all do.

Most of the time I wonder who is REAL in my life and who ISN’T. Who will even notice I’m gone? Hardly anyone ever does. I find it so interesting. The people who I REALLY have in my life I’m close to and we talk on the phone, text, and see one another and don’t need Facebook to tie us together. I’m clinging to those REAL relationships with my REAL friends. If we have a relationship in “real life” I don’t need Facebook to have that. I am keeping my “Like” pages up and going, as well as sharing adoptee stories at How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Website

Many transitions are taking place in my life. I’m in a discovery phase of WHO I AM and listening what God is going to do next in my life. I’m going through emotional highs and lows in LIFE in general. God is weeding out people, places and things who don’t serve a purpose in my life anymore.

 John 5:8 says, “”Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”

And so it is… 

I’m happily embracing on a season of self discovery moving forward while acknowledging all that has been might not be a part of what will be. I’m okay with this. I don’t feel the need to explain my journey to everyone. Most people only want to hear warm fluffy stories anyway! I feel those who will really want to know will take the time to reach out to me and find out how I am, what I’m doing in my life. 9 x out of 10 they won’t have time to meet you for coffee with their busy schedule, so WHY would I share my life with them? Real relationships takes real action. I don’t believe in telling people “Good-Bye”. If you were ever a real part of my life there will be no “Good-Byes” only more “Hello’s”. If you weren’t a real part of my life, you might consider saying “Good-Bye” but may I suggest you save it for the next person you would like to have a “Fake Relationship” with?  Why would you tell someone “Good-Bye” if you have a real relationship with them? I sure wouldn’t.

I’ve seen a lot in my little 42 years of life here on earth. I’ve been in large groups of people who say you are a part of their life, and I’ve been in small groups of people who say the same. I’ve been naive for many years of my life. I’ve wanted to be accepted and belong somewhere for so long, that I’ve been blinded many times over at synthetic relationships that come my way. Just because I speak to you and see you as we pass by one another doesn’t mean you are my friend. Friendships take work. They take time. They take sacrifice to put your friends before yourself. Friendships take intention. I try to see the good in people, and for most of my life I’ve fallen head over heels in love with the idea of so many people who “love me” or “accept me” and those who say they WANT TO BE MY FRIEND.

It’s take 42 years for me to be OKAY with the idea that people are full of it. They can say words like “Family of Choice” so easily. In the next breath they denounce the very words they spoke the week before.  What is “Family of Choice” anyway? To me it sounds like something that separates and divides us away from our family of origin or our adoptive family or whoever we have close to us we call family. Family is a variety of things. Family is those who you invest in, you take time to reach out to them and you make it a POINT to be in their life. This can even happen from a distance! Family isn’t something that I take lightly. I’ve had blood and adoptive family and church family. People can say they are family and back stab you or betray you in a heartbeat.  One thing I don’t do is FAKE. If I don’t like you or want to be around you, you will not hear from me. I won’t respond to you and I will always try to do this in the most elegant & graceful way possible. Just because I’m a CHRISTian doesn’t mean I have to allow everyone on God’s green earth to see inside my life. I am called to love people, and that I will do. It doesn’t mean I need to continuously let my guard down, allow people to come into my life only to dismiss me in the next segment of this thing we call “Life”.

It’s a freeing feeling to CHOOSE who I allow in my life.

 I can honestly smell bullsh*t a mile away! 

Relationships are reciprocated.

If I don’t reciprocate I don’t want a relationship with you.  

If you don’t reciprocate a relationship with me, I KNOW you don’t want a REAL relationship with me. 

It’s SIMPLE. 

End. Of. Story.  

I remember the days where I would allow people in, and they flat out didn’t deserve to be in my life. I wanted and needed to be accepted SO BAD, I was blinded by so much.

Those days are over. 

Today, the title of this post is “Withdraw & Retreat” for a reason. I’m not all alone. God is with me! My close friends know pieces of what’s going on in my life, and the REAL friends I have are on this ride with me. My kids are with me. They are the most important thing TO ME! So today I’m at a peaceful place filled with many transitions taking place. God is weeding things OUT and I believe with my entire heart he will replace all those things with better things.

It’s critical I trust Him.

Growing in my relationship with God is something I put at the front of my life, each and every day I’m committed to THIS. For my fellow adoptees; I will always be around for YOU!  Please believe this is no good-bye letter. Only a post explaining some things are changing in my life, for the better and I’m excited to share it.

God is about to use me in a new way because it’s a NEW DAY in this thing we call LIFE.

Thanks for reading.

I’m going to try to write more in the near future.

Pamela Karanova

Adult Adoptee

Adoptee Controlling Me…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments

One of the things I’ve recently discovered about myself is my need to control my life and the fact that it’s increasingly becoming an obsession and an issue as I recover on this healing journey. I would love to know if any other adoptees can relate to what I’m about to share?

The most important step is me admitting that this is becoming an issue for me. I know that this symptom of controlling my own life is rooted in FEAR. I shared in my previous blog post my revelations on my life I’ve had over the last few weeks. It’s been a pretty tough time, but I’m trying to remember that God reveals things as he sees fit. Not as PAMELA sees fit. I’m peeling layers of the onion back, and those layers didn’t get there overnight so they will take TIME to heal and be peeled.

I’ve always known that when I have something planned, I get a  level of anxiety about the event until it’s over. I start to obsess over it and my mind races just anticipating the event. I’ve done this for a long time. I now realized that this is based on my FEAR of losing control over something associated with the event and my life. It takes over my mind, but as soon as the event is over I’m at peace. I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about fear losing control over these events and my life. Over the last year or so I have noticed I start to plan my day before the day even comes. Time & planning has become a MAJOR factor in me controlling my own life. I think being on time is a great quality to have, and planning is another one. I am TOP NOTCH in these areas. Where I see my problem at is when this begins to impact me in a negative way, and in return it impacts those around me in a negative way. I’ve even realized that I’m 100% self employed because I want to CONTROL that area of my life also! Hey, it works for me!

LISTEN UP: I do NOT have a need to control other’s lives. I do NOT care what other people are doing with their time. What I care about is MY TIME and MY LIFE and MY NEED TO CONTROL IT. The problem is when others innocently conflict with me controlling my time and my life. This has been such a weird revelation to me, but makes total sense at the same time. I get a lot of anxiety because OTHER PEOPLE don’t live up to my expectations on time and they innocently not even knowing it, cause a rift between me controlling my own life and MY TIME. I MEAN ANXIETY! Fear takes over my body, and I get angry, upset and feel like I’m losing control and it’s a scary feeling. This is rooted in FEAR.

When I say this obsession is rooted in FEAR I mean that when I was born, and all these decisions were made for my life it impacted me in a negative way. Other “people” controlled everything about EVERYTHING to do with my life. They controlled how I looked, where I lived, my feelings, who I could act like, who I could LOVE, all of my medical records, my ancestry, my roots, heritage, my history was all controlled by others. Every aspect of being an adoptee was controlled by others. I have learned that I’ve sheltered myself from most close relationships and I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone for fear of losing some control over my life, because when there are more people that’s less of a chance that I can control things for MY LIFE, MY WAY!

I WANT TO BE ON TOTAL CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!!  THIS IMPACTS MY RELATIONSHIPS AND I HAVE TO WORK ON THIS IF I EVER INTEND TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

Let me just say that I believe most people may want to be in control over their lives, BUT when it’s causing me problems I know I’ve gone overboard. I’ve uncovered this past week that my life is rooted in FEAR. That fear is paralyzing. Fear of people leaving me, fear of losing control of my life when I FINALLY have CONTROL over something. I’m in FEAR of people abandoning me. I’m in FEAR that people don’t really love me. I’m in FEAR that if I let people in I will lose control over controlling my life.  FEAR FEAR FEAR. I never would have thought that of all my issues God would reveal my entire life is being controlled by fear. One of these “fear” episodes can ruin an entire day for me & it’s exhausting!

I know FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. It’s one of his number one tactics to take us under. He wants me to isolate myself, to have bad relationships and to be alone. He wants me to be haunted by FEAR and to be PARALIZED by it. He’s done a pretty good job so far, but THE DEVIL IS A LIE. I refuse to live in this bondage of FEAR and I am now at a place where this is the next step I’m going to work on.

It took me the first 2 years of my recovery journey of living in sobriety to finally come to a place of acceptance of my adoptee journey, I’ve forgiven my birth mother when I was so ANGRY at her. I have accepted that I will never have a mother. These were all very difficult things to work through and God is still healing me daily. But now that another layer of the onion has been peeled, and I realize I still have more to work on I feel like I’m at the bottom of the mountain again. Each day I will wake up and focus on conquering the devil who’s trying to control my mind, my thoughts and my life! FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. The closer I get with God, the more my fear will fade. I have accepted this may take a lifetime.

When our entire lives are traumatized by our adoption experience I’ve accepted it may take an entire lifetime to heal. My next move is documenting and identifying my triggers that result in these fear episodes. It literally paralyzes me! My entire body and mind locks up and I get REALLY quiet, and my mind totally races, I get sick to my stomach, I can’t think of anything else but what FEAR I’m experiencing. Keep in mind this is mentally exhausting!!!  I’m still in AWE that God has revealed this to me. I’m honestly THANKFUL because I do NOT WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FEAR OF PEOPLE LEAVING ME AND LOSING CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!

Today, I’m thankful for Celebrate Recovery, and for the tools to work through these deep rooted emotional issues that stem from my adoption experience. I do have hope, but I know this isn’t going to be an easy fix. It’s a process.

“When God brings you to a new level be ready to experience a whole new devil!” – Joyce Meyer

This speaks volumes to me! I know as I grow, the devil is out to destroy me.The great thing is I’m suited up in my spiritual armor and I’m learning that each time I’m in fear of anything it IS the devil, so that means I need to SPEAK LIFE OUTLOUD and let the devil know he’s not in front of me, he’s behind me. He’s under my FOOT. He has NO POWER or control over my life.

My journey is one of healing and hope. I hope and pray that adoptees all over understand they aren’t alone and there is HOPE in healing from our adoption experiences. I’ve also experienced abuse in all forms aside from the adoption trauma I face daily. My hope comes from God because I know he alone is the one who can help me recovery.

I have many more examples of fear I’m going to share in future blog posts. Can any adoptees here relate to the FEAR I’m experiencing? Do you have a increased desire to control your own life?

-Pamela Jones AKA Adoptee In Recovery

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted