Healing Through Writing – Page 7

Bye Bye Broken Heart

Published on August 30, 2015September 13, 2015 by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

I’ve been wanting to share it for a while now, but I have started 2 blog posts that were way too long, that I can’t complete for some reason…

I wanted to share something with my fellow adoptees. It’s a video! This video has literally changed my life. It made me feel differently about my adoption experience. In a nutshell, I’ve experienced a broken heart for 40 years of my life. When my spiritual momma, Ms. Deanie shared materials from Dr. Charles Kraft with me, it changed everything.

Adoptees, look him up! Everyone look him up! He’s amazing. I suggest “2 Hours to Freedom” and also google “Back to the Womb”. This is a video Dr. Kraft has and it’s a healing exercise that takes us all the way back to our birth mother’s womb. I can go into major details why this video helped me so much, but it will take me forever to explain it all.

Let me summarize it for you…

I will share that I always wondered if my birth mother held me when I was born. I obsessed with wondering what my birth was like. Did she hold me, or even look at me? Was the room dark and cold? I heard she was in the hospital under an alias, and flowers her best friend sent her were returned, because she used a fake name in the hospital. This leads me to believe she was alone. Was she sad? Was she happy to get the day over with? I was always mad at her for not aborting me. I was mad at my birth parents for being so irresponsible, and instead of keep me, they gave me away. Let me be truthful, I’ve spent most of my life being angry about my entire adoptee experience. When I started working on my issues, and working on myself I learned how deep and profound abandonment & rejection issues are! I learned how profound the primal bond and the primal wound is! Research it you all, this is REAL!

This is my TRUTH.. I will make no apologizes for it!

I learned that the way I felt about myself all these years is the way my birth mother felt about me during her pregnancy. The spirit of shame, and rejection transferred tome in utero. I TRULY BELIEVE THIS! If you do the research, you will learn that the way our birth mothers feel during pregnancy, we feel. We store memories in our subconscious memories all the way back to 2 months gestation. All adoptees stories are different, but I know my birth mother hid me from the world. She was ashamed she was pregnant by a married man who was a close family friend. She rejected the pregnancy, and drank alcohol the entire time. She wore baggy clothes, I was unwanted, unplanned, and given away at birth. This has made me feel unwanted, rejected, abandoned, and alone most of my life!

AFTER WATCHING THIS VIDEO IT ALL CLICKED FOR ME!

This video changed everything for me! I still struggle, I still have issues. Right now my birthday was the hardest to get past. 8/13 But I did it. After watching this video, and doing some writing exercises and traveling to The Natural Bridge here in KY, I released a whole bunch of things back on June 7, 2015.

This was the day my broken heart was mended!

It doesn’t mean I still don’t have sadness, but who has had a broken heart from their adoption experience? That pain is indescribable! 40 Years of that pain!

After watching this video, I haven’t had (aside from my birthday) the deep sadness I have always had regarding my birth mother. I know my fellow adoptees get it, and even when my birth mother didn’t want a relationship with me I always desired to have a relationship with her, and had that deep sense of connection to want to know her. Just because she rejected me, didn’t mean my loss wasn’t there. It was even greater.

When I did the writing exercises, I also prayed to God that he help heal my broken heart. I wrote down all my broken hearted feelings associated with my adoption experience, and my birth mother. I cried. I had snot slinging and all. I wanted this deep sadness to be gone. After I wrote everything down, I flew paper planes off the Natural Bridge, and let go of it. I left different that day. The say you have to go through the pain in order to heal from it. I believe this to be true 110%. We never went through the grief and loss process when we were born, and it’s never too late. If everyone say’s God heals ( I know he does) I refused to settle with living with this pain forever. For the last few years (you can see by my previous blog posts) that I had accepted this pain was here to stay.

WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! THE DEVIL IS A LIE!

I should have known better. I want all my fellow adoptees to know that with God, healing is possible! Most people in this life that aren’t adopted can’t even comprehend what we are even trying to heal from. The best thing they have to go on is adoptees sharing their feelings on how it feels to be adopted, and if they chose not to engage in reading or learning, they will never know. I know that moving to this next level in my recovery and healing, I will be better equipped to help my fellow adoptees, and others impacted by adoption. I believe I needed to get to this place, so I could have a happy ending. Soon, I’ll continue writing my memoir, and there will be happiness at the end. There will be pages filled with sorrow, yet hope will be something all adoptees will get by reading my memoir. Because of this, my story will have a happy ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still have pain, everyday is painful because I’m reminded of all adoption has taken. I have deep rooted abandonment and rejection issues, BUT MY BROKEN HEART REGARDING MY BIRTH MOTHER IS GONE! That’s a big deal! Now I can continue to reach out to other adoptees, and not have this heavy hearted burden weighing me down.

I’m really not writing for non-adoptees but hopefully they can learn something as well. I’m writing for my fellow adoptees. I love you guys, and I remember being all alone, hopeless in this world. If I have one accomplishment in life, it’s to let my fellow adoptees know that God heals, he healed me, and he’s continuing to heal me. I also want them to know they aren’t alone in this journey.

Here’s the video. Please let me know if it impacts you at all??

Back to the Womb- Dr. Charles Kraft

Leave me a message you were here!

To all my STEP STUDY AND CELEBRATE RECOVERY & BETHEL FAMILY! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME AND LISTENING TO ME ENDLESSLY ABOUT MY ADOPTEE ISSUES! JUDITH & DEANIE! ❤ YOU TOO!<3

Pamela Karanova

Adult Adoptee Reunited

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

http://www.facebook.com/askanadoptee1

Instagram: @adopteereality & @pwishes

Twitter: @adopteereality & @freesimplyme

FOLLOW ME! ADD ME TO YOUR FACEBOOK! ❤

Photo By: usamedeniz @ freedigitalphoto.net

A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

Published on July 24, 2015July 25, 2016 by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s ~~(and I’m sure years before and after)~~ adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then? Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. ~~I know because I do.~~ The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed. My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain. Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed. Sharing is healing.

ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!

Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

~~No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.~~

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!

Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain. This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share. Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. ~~(Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)~~

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society. My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

~~I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life.~~

No one tells me how I should feel here.

~~They have told me how to feel my entire life.~~

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so. I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay. Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil. Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited

Lexington, KY

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Published on June 6, 2015December 6, 2016 by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing. When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself. My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas. God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?

This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

@pamelakaranova