adopted dad – Pamela Karanova

ADOPTEE IN RECOVERY VICTORY!- 3 YEAR SOBRIETY!

Published on August 12, 2015May 18, 2017 by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

Well, if you are reading this you can help me CELEBRATE ringing in my 3 year sobriety milestone!

AUGUST 12, 2012

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be sober living in recovery, let alone reach a 3 year milestone! Pretty AMAZING FEELING! God gets the glory!

I know, it’s not 5 or 10 years, but I remember way back when I didn’t think I could live without alcohol. I was a full time runner, running from the pain from my past.

Let me give you a little history. I started drinking when I was around 12 years old. I found an escape by drinking alcohol. My at home life was far from normal, and alcohol seemed to take my pain away. I was suffering from abandonment & rejection issues from being adopted, but I could never share my pain with anyone. Let’s face it, in adoption if you don’t have happy warm fuzzy feelings your feelings really aren’t welcomed. I was always told to be “Thankful” my birth mother didn’t abort me, or that I was adopted so I could have a “Better Life”. Deep down, I was lost, isolated, and alone and my heart was broken. I waited for my birth mother to come find me, but she never showed up.

I was admitted to drug and alcohol rehab by the time I was 15. It didn’t do any good, because I didn’t want to be there. I was forced. As I grew up drinking was a way of life for me. I partied, a lot. I loved going out and hanging with friends. I experimented with different drugs. My drug of choice was MDMA (ecstasy). I had no shame in drinking and driving. I went to jail and got a DUI that cost me $355 a drink that night. I’m not proud of any of these things, just sharing where I have been!

I was running from the truth & I had no tools to heal. I kept avoiding my reality, and I never faced the TRUTH about my adoption experience. This was based partly because I didn’t have all the pieces, and partly because I used alcohol to numb my pain. The other part was an internal struggle I felt because I felt a totally different way than everyone else felt about being adopted. I wasn’t thankful. I was brokenhearted. My feelings weren’t welcome. I was in a lot of pain not knowing who I was or where I came from. To top it off lies and deception kept me from finding my truth for many years. This stalled my healing. I couldn’t TRULY heal because my mind was distorted.

August 12, 2012 everything changed. I went through a life changing event. My eyes were wide open and I made the decision to throw in the towel on my drinking habit and I started a recovery program. I knew it was time. I started AA at first. It’s a great program but I found out about Celebrate Recovery and it was clear that was where God wanted me. October 2012 I walked through those doors a broken woman! I had nowhere to turn, and I only knew very few people who lived their lives in recovery. One was a faraway friend, and another was my friends son & I was twice his age. It’s amazing that God used both of them to show me the ropes in the beginning of a new way of life for me.

I can’t lie. I was scared. I was nervous. I felt alone. I was broken.

God swooped up and changed everything! It wasn’t long before I had a new found family and everyone loved me despite my flaws. This “SAFE PLACE” was the first place in my life I was able to freely share “How it feels to be adopted” and not have anyone judge me or tell me how to feel. I was able to share my hurt, my pain, my broken heart, my tears, my struggles, and all the things in between that come with being on a healing journey to wholesome. I was able to identify my root issues of abandonment & rejection from my adoption experience, and move forward with acceptance, and healing. This was the first time in 40 years my root issue was identified and I saw counselors my entire life! ABANDONMENT & REJECTION FROM BEING ADOPTED ARE MY ROOT ISSUES. No more denying.

WOW! 3 years later, I’m in leadership at Celebrate Recovery and I co-lead a small group for women with chemical dependency issues. Who would have ever thought God would use me in that way?

The most amazing part of me is the fact that my kids are my #1 fans. They have seen the changes, and because of my changes their lives are changed. Celebrate Recovery has given me the tools to become a happier healthier mother, and one day grandmother. These are the reasons I’m living today! I always say God saved me in just enough time to save my kids. He gets the glory!

I can tell you I’m not where I need to be, but I’m sure not where I used to be. God is using my biggest misery as his biggest ministry. I’ve prayed for grace, and I’m able to share my adoption experience from a place of peacefulness. I still have issues, lord do I ever. But I have hope in the future, and I know God heals. He healed my broken heart, and he’s put some spiritual mothers in my life who I adore. They know who they are.

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult due to my birthday coming up. Not even going there, I know my fellow adoptees get it. With my sobriety birthday the day before, I felt the need to write a VICTORIOUS BLOG POST to let all my fellow adoptees know that THERE IS HOPE IN JESUS. HEALING IS POSSIBLE. If you are struggling with using substances of any kind, I promise you it’s only delaying your healing. The great thing is there’s a Celebrate Recovery in almost all cities in the USA, and it’s even in other countries.

Leave me a message if you are an adoptee and you are struggling with chemical dependency issues. I would love to get to know you and hear your story.

HELP ME CELEBRATE 3 YEARS! Leave me a comment! XOXO

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

@freesimplyme

Pamela Karanova: Welcoming the REAL TRUE ME!

Published on July 22, 2015August 9, 2016 by Pamela A. Karanova11 Comments

I’m coming out of the anonymous ADOPTEE CLOSET!

Yesterday was a BIG day for me!

For those that don’t know, I’ve always blogged under an Alias. My reason is because I have never wanted to hurt my adoptive family, or biological family’s feelings by sharing my truth.

Let’s just face the facts. Growing up in a closed adoption is everything but normal!

I’ve been working through my second step study in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I’m very involved in. Through this ministry God has moved mountains in my life! I’ve been able to work through some deep rooted things I thought I was going to take to my grave. But God had other plans for me. I don’t know what I would do without my step study sisters! They are amazing and they have helped me so much.

By working through these “things” I’ve been given a new confidence about myself. I’ve been given more of God’s grace to work through my issues. I’ve been able to feel strong enough that I don’t have to hide behind an alias anymore. This is a PRETTY FREEING FEELING!

Ever since I’ve been sharing my adoptee feelings, I’ve basically been living a double life. “Pamela Jones” was the adult adoptee, hurt, broken, angry, and very wounded from her adoptee experience. Pamela is my adoptive first name. Jones was the “Pen Name” I chose. I picked Jones because it was my biological father’s last name. His rights were stolen in the 70’s and my birth mother signed me over, without his consent. I have always had a strong disliking for my adoptive last name, it just never fit me. It actually despised it. It linked me to a whole lot of pain growing up. As I chose “Jones” to write under, it had a nice ring to it. It was my TRUE last name, but there is one problem. My birth father never accepted me as his so why would I really want his last name? It worked for 3 years. I hid behind it for 3 years. I made a lot of adult adoptee friends behind “Pamela Jones”, hundreds to be exact. I created an anonymous online name for myself, and it was a way of protecting my true self from those who might not agree with me. It was a way to hide behind my TRUTH. I had many adoptive and biological parents lash out at me for creating “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” so the “Pen Name” protected me from a lot of things. The most important to me, it protected my adoptive parents, specifically my adoptive dad whom I adore from every finding out how I truly feel. I have never wanted to break his heart.

I woke up a few days ago, realizing that if I desire TRUTH in adoption for all adoptees, I owe myself, my fellow adoptees, and the WORLD to know who I truly am! No more hiding. No more secrets. No more being scared of what those close to me will think. This has been a huge decision for me. But without God and his grace, I never would have been able to make this decision. His Grace, has brought a whole new perspective to my life. I believe Pamela Jones was there for me to process my anger, rage, and really deep raw feelings. I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT because you CAN’T HEAL unless you do. I don’t want to erase Pamela Jones. She was part of my life. She helped me get through some really deep dark times. All you have to do is look over the last 3 years of blog posts. You will read heartache after heartache in my writings. But if I could tell my fellow adoptees one thing, it’s going THROUGH the pain, CAN AND WILL bring you freedom. But we have to go through the pain.

As I write to my blog readers and the world today, I’m here to share my REAL TRUE identity. I’m here to tell you where I REALLY live. I’m here to invite you all to join me in the next level of my adoptee healing, and recovery journey. The one to FREEDOM. One of my favorite quotes is:

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!”.

WOW WOW WOW! To all my fellow adoptees reading this, WE MADE IT! WE SURVIVED! How amazing is that in itself!

My true identity is “Pamela Karanova”. On my 40^th Birthday I made the decision to legally change my last name. The name I was given at birth- I hated it! It was nothing personal against the family who gave me the name but it never fit me. It tied me to the city and town I grew up in, where I have so many bad memories. I just didn’t want the name anymore. So I prayed and asked God to help me come up with a new last name. I wanted it to be unique and pretty, just for me!

He gave me the verses, Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”

The word “PURE” stood out.

Then he gave me the verse. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!”

The word “NEW” stood out.

I looked up the meanings to “Pure” & “New” and “K A R A N O V A “ was born!

I wanted to make sure no one else had the name, or it wasn’t common so I Googled it, and didn’t find much at all aside from “Kara Nova” who happens to be a “Pole Dancer”. LOL

This change and the new name has a very BIG significant meaning to me. Not only in my adoptee world and journey, but in my Christian journey as well. Today I’m not the person I used to be. God has recreated me to be the person HE intends for me to be and I believe the new name is a symbol of the NEW ME.

My fellow adoptees can relate to the name change in the adoptee aspect. I feel so much was taken and stolen, lost never to be found again. PEOPLE made this choice for me. They erased my history! I had no choice! They gave me a new “fake” name & a new “fake” birth certificate! PEOPLE of the world have even tried to control how I feel about it, “JUST BE THANKFUL” using the WORD as a weapon to silence me from sharing my feelings. Sorry, but Christians are the worst! (Yes, I’m a Christian!) God has given me the grace to be able to use the WORD right back at them! Praise HIM!

The old me couldn’t have a conversation about adoption without getting angry, and wanting to scream or cry or throw something. Because people just don’t seem to “Get It” unless they are adopted. My fellow adoptees, my saving graces have taught me to stand up for myself, and God has taught me to do it with his grace. This has allowed me to feel like I’m in a confident place to be able to do this on my own, without hiding behind a “PEN NAME!”

So here I am. WAVING HELLO to the world! Sharing not only my real true feelings, but the REAL TRUE ME! So long to Pamela Jones. So long Pamela (____)

HELLO PAMELA KARANOVA!

From now on I will use my real name in my online adoptee world. I will sign my blog posts with my real information. I want all adoptees all over the world to reach out to me because only WE know HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED!

I have had to understand, that the WORLD has no idea how we feel or what we go through being adopted, and all the heartache that goes along with it. But my fellow adoptees get it. We have to be there to lift one another up, in times of crisis, and when we reach our all time lows, and they do come!

As for the few adoptive or biological family I am in fear of offending, I’m sorry in advance. If you find my blog, you find my true feelings. The feelings I’ve had to hide my entire life. One thing I can say is they are real. Living a lie wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t talked about in the 1970’s, but it’s talked about now. I think of the small handful of you all that might get offended compared to the HUNDREDS of adoptees I am in contact with that I have relationships with, and I KNOW I can help them by sharing they aren’t alone. Sorry, but my fellow adoptees are the reason God put me on earth. To help them break out of a lifetime of silence, and provide them with one person who GETS IT, who UNDERSTANDS, who LOVES THEM and doesn’t judge them anyway. While I navigate this journey in breaking out of hiding behind a pen name, I will be praying you all understand why I’ve had to do this. If I don’t do this, I have no purpose on this earth. That’s truly how I feel. I can’t worry about how other people respond to my decision, family or not. This is what God has called me to do, and I am going to spend the rest of my life reaching out to my fellow adoptees and sharing with them what God has done in my life, because he can do the same for them.

Living this double life has been painful. It started the moment I was forced to make a split between the REAL me, when I was born, and the NEW ME, when my adoptive parents erased the REAL ME, and falsified everything. As I’ve grown up into a woman who can chose for myself I’ve grown into the person God intended for me to be. It’s neither of the people from my past. So I’m no longer going to live the double life. I was forced to growing up, and have always felt like I had to protect others in my adoptive and biological families, but today I am living for God, and for myself, and my kids, and my fellow adoptees. No more double life.

I’m no longer hiding! Yay!

Signing off as PAMELA KARANOVA, Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

You can reach me at: pamelakaranova@gmail.com ßFellow Adoptees, add me to your Facebook by this email!

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Published on June 6, 2015December 6, 2016 by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing. When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself. My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas. God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?

This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

@pamelakaranova