God planted me in my birth mother’s womb
Did he plan all the alcohol she would consume?
I know he did NOT. This was her choice
Just like surrendering me for adoption
As an innocent baby with no voice
Month by month passes
The date is getting closer
I spent 9 months bonding
But I was getting ready to lose her.
A sacred bond
Would be broken too soon
I can imagine the sorrow
In the delivery room
August 13, 1974 the fight began
The minute I was born my birthmother ran
Conceived out of a drunken one night stand
Did my tiny body ever feel her warm soft hands?
I spent the next 4 days in the nursery all alone.
But I always wondered
Did she name me?
Did she hold me?
Did she love me?
Did she think about me?
I will never know my birth right
What was the beginning of my life like?
Handed over to strangers
Who wanted a child of their own
What happened to my mother?
Her voice, scent & sacred bond are all I’ve ever known.
A counterfeit bond was forced upon me
Who was this lady?
I didn’t recognize anything about her
Forced to live a delusion
I had no way out
Trapped in this home with this woman
Who wanted to be my Mother
I never bonded with anything about her.
Her Her Her
It was all about Her.
I made her dreams come true.
My sadness never welcomed.
She conditioned me to be THANKFUL
How could I be thankful for the biggest loss of my life?
My loss never acknowledged.
I never grieved or processed losing an entire family.
I loved my first family but I couldn’t even put faces or names to them.
TORTURE
Years passed and I would ask
OVER AND OVER
“Where is my mother?”
“She loved you so much, but she gave you away for me to raise”
How does a MOTHER give away their child?
Especially the one they LOVE?
CONFUSION & CHAOS
NO UNDERSTANDING
HEART BROKEN
SAD
DEPRESSED
ANGRY
RUNAWAY
RAGE
ALCOHOL
SEX
DRUGS
FIGHTING
ANGER
ANGER
ANGER
EVERY DAY SEARCHING FOR MY MOTHER!
Where is she? This has to be a mistake.
No mother would give their baby away if they love them?
What is love anyway?
PAIN-GRIEF-LOSS-ABANDONMEMNT-REJECTION
ADDICTION
My birth mothers sickness became my sickness too.
I started drinking alcohol at 12
It was all I knew
It took the pain away
But only until the next day
It haunted me and tortured my mind
But why can’t I just leave it all behind?
BECAUSE
I NEEDED TO KNOW WHO I WAS
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME?
I NEED MY ANSWERS
BUT NO WHERE TO TURN
THE WORLD IS UP AGAINST ME
I HAD TO FIGHT ALL ALONE
FROM THE MOMENT I WAS BORN
MY HEART TURNED TO STONE
ALCOHOL CONTINUED TO NUMB EVERY BONE.
Looking around
Surrounded by strangers
Where is my family?
Looking in the mirror hating what I was looking at
I was disposable
JUST LIKE THAT
The Fight of my Life is just beginning
I needed my truth with EVERYTHING IN ME
How do you live with your HISTORY kept hidden?
The WORLD glorifies my biggest LOSS
Leaving me feeling alone, isolated & I feel like the
WORLD’S MOST HATED
All because I NEED MY TRUTH?
Begging the world for something that is already mine
Do they not understand the value of TIME?
Every day that passes, memories are LOST
Will they ever be FOUND?
The world celebrates my biggest loss.
Heartbreaking but I must keep it silent
The fight continues
This is the FIGHT of my LIFE
This is not just for me
It’s for my kids, my future grandkids and their kids.
I’m up against the WORLD
The WORLD that glorifies adoption
But doesn’t welcome me finding my TRUTH
How heartbreaking to be in such a world
That doesn’t support adoptees who
NEED THEIR TRUTH
How does it feel to be a secret?
My birth father didn’t know I existed
For 37 years I wished I was aborted
That’s as honest as I can keep it.
Call it selfish
Call it what you want to call it.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN
BEING BORN IN A WORLD
FOR ANOTHER PERSONS GAIN
If the adoption agencies would be HONEST
Maybe adoptees would have some resources available
Instead they deny our grief, loss & trauma
Adding to the terrifying adoptee suicide rate being 4x
More likely than non-adoptees.
HOW CAN THEY LIVE WITH THEMSELVES?
Profiting off such trauma, grief, lies, and supporting secrecy & lies?
But you keep glorifying adoption and keep turning a BLIND EYE
At the pain involved. You support adoption but you don’t support all adoptees in finding our TRUTH?
You are part of the problem.
FACE IT!
NO RUNNING!
GROWING UP-
Reoccurring thoughts of suicide
Visited me morning, noon and night
Darkness is not from God-
He is the WAY THE TRUTH & THE LIGHT!
He had no intentions of me being born into a FIGHT!
The Fight of my Life
Seeking any CLUE to my PAST
There is NO HELP AND NO ONE TO ASK!
Question marks follow me everywhere I go
Don’t they understand?
IT’S KILLING ME TO NOT KNOW!
THE TRUTH
THE TRUTH
THE TRUTH
I need the truth
I’m fighting for the TRUTH
That’s all I want for Christmas, Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving and any other holiday
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I want is truth…
Wrap my truth up and gift it to me please?
My truth is more valuable than a
Hundred pound sack of rubies
Put “TRUTH SEEKER” in my
BOOK OF LIFE
Lord knows when I go out it isn’t going to be without a FIGHT!
I didn’t care if my birth mother was a $2 crack whore
I STILL WANTED TO KNOW HER!
Finally over a 40 year period
Fighting the FIGHT of my LIFE
I finally find my truth.
God handed it to me piece by piece
He said “Give me some time and you will see…”
No one on earth helped me or supported me
I was alone.
But God, he was with me the entire time.
It’s the people of this WORLD
Who left me HIGH & DRY
They didn’t care of the mental torture
And emotional anguish I experienced
Even the counselors don’t understand
They SUCK at complex adoptee grief, loss & trauma adoptees face!
NONE HELPED ME & I SAW DOZENS OF THERAPISTS GROWIN UP!
But GOD
As I received my TRUTH as heartbreaking as it has been
He knew I needed to know what the world felt like they were protecting me from
Because GOD knows in order to HEAL IT WE HAVE TO FEEL IT.
God knows we need our TRUTH to move forward and heal.
No matter what painful double rejection I have experienced from FIGHTING SO HARD FOR MY TRUTH God has been with me when the world has left me.
I feel betrayed by the world
LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED
God is my only safe place
Who understands?
My fellow adoptees
God
That’s it.
God alone is enough for me, but when I flock together with my fellow adoptees
I have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
They get me. I get them.
They understand me. I understand them.
I SHARE MY STORY FOR THEM
August 12, 2012 I had my last drink
Reality set in and God gave me some time to think
I was running, but running from what?
The PAIN the TRUTH Brought
I denied it until I put the bottle down.
The Fog Lifted
Things became clear
No more alcohol
Finally HEALING is NEAR!
40+ years after fighting the WORLD for my TRUTH
I have made the choice to wave the white flag.
I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FIGHT ANYMORE!
This FIGHT HAS TO DIE or it will KILL ME FIRST!
My Mind
If you only knew the thoughts I have in my mind, daily.
It has drained me dry, isolated, all alone all I can do is cry!
I can’t even focus on living because my LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A LIE!
No more alcohol to numb the pain
It’s been 1309 Days since my last drink
I live my life in recovery.
4 Years soon!
I’ve been consumed on a healing journey
But now that I have my truth I can accept it and move forward.
I was not allowed to FEEL the pain publicly or outside of my mind growing up
SO I share it TODAY because today I’m FREE
Free because after I’ve fought the good fight
And it’s all said and done I’ve learned I’m not like
ANYONE
I am who God created me to be!
Fighting so hard to fit in and find my place.
God has clearly let me know I am like Him
BUT HE KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE
MY TRUTH
IT WAS HEARTBREAKING
IT TORE MY HEART INTO SHREDS
I would rather know the truth than live a LIE
But GOD
He’s given me the tools to heal.
He is my healer!
All the times growing up I thought God abandoned me
He was right there with me when the world abandoned me
He is a God of TRUTH
He isn’t a God of secrets & lies!
If you ask yourself what “Truth” is and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT)
TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN!
“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4
“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13
“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. 3 For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2
If the word TRUTH is in the bible 269 times (NLT) why can’t adoptees have their truth?
Why are we the exception of receiving what’s rightfully ours?
I’m standing on God’s word for ALL ADOPTEES ALL OVER THE WORLD!
Secrets & Lies are from people of the world.
NOT GOD!
Adoption Agencies & the Adoption Industry condone Secrecy & Lies
God is a GOOD GOD
He doesn’t want pain and anguish for his children
Especially for 40+ years
The Fight of my Life
Has almost taken me out
If the devil had his way I would have never learned what God was all about!
But God shined his light on me
He knew my broken heart and why I needed to see
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side
But I had to determine this for myself
Not because the WORLD was trying to
PROTECT ME!
(Secrets & Lies)
I’ve fought the good fight so many take for granted
WHO AM I?
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
Thank God his seeds have already been planted
I’m making the choice to FORGIVE the WORLD
And the ADOPTION INDUSTRY
But I will never forget how your secrets and lies have impacted me!
They have hurt me deeper than you will ever know
But today I’m ready to live my life with my past as freshly fallen snow!
God promised it in his word, you know?
I can’t keep looking over my shoulder trying to figure out
WHY
WHY
WHY?
The fact that I’m the daughter of the KING makes my eyes tear up and CRY.
Happy Tears that bring FREEDOM & JOY
No matter how I came into the world
God planned me when my birth parents did NOT
He greeted me into this world, and hugged me tight
While the warm hands of my birth mother were nowhere in sight.
Hanging onto the pain is only blocking some of God’s light!
He calls his children to walk in FREEDOM
The closer I get to Him the more I can rely on Him when the triggers come
AND THEY COME!
Every Mother’s Day, Holiday, Birthday and Christmas.
Every time I want to call my “mother” she is nowhere to be found.
JESUS!
HELP ME PLEASE!
MOTHER-LESS
MOTHER WOUND
God is my father, but it’s hard to replace him as my MOTHER
The mother wound is deep
But I have to allow myself the space (my blog) to process my emotions because I know the non-adoptee world really doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t relate.
Hating the WORLD and the people in it who support adoption has hurt me even more. Feeling like I’m up against the WORLD has created an even bigger sore.
An open WOUND next to impossible to heal
BUT GOD
Everywhere I look, if they only knew how I feel.
Ignorance is bliss
They don’t know what they don’t know.
Adoption Loss?
Adoption Grief?
Adoption Trauma?
Why does she sit around and cry about not having a momma?
Do the research on this bond being broken
It’s different than a father wound
God is my heavenly father.
Who is my heavenly mother?
I struggle with this daily
But it has made me an incredibly strong person
I raised myself with God along the way
I have done the best I could
With plenty of cloudy days
But TODAY I’m working on closing the door to
The past because it’s so dark and I don’t want to live there anymore.
It’s my choice you know?
But I needed my TRUTH FIRST
Because without it how do I know what to let GO?
How do I forgive with the truth hidden?
How do I give it to God if I don’t know what I’m giving?
TRUTH
TRUTH
TRUTH
It is CRITICAL!
Moving forward is impossible if I don’t know what I’m leaving behind.
How do I give God secrets and lies?
Please WORLD stop stalling my healing.
It’s only hurting ME & MY KIDS
Because it’s taken a lifetime to
FIGHT THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE
TO FIND MY TRUTH
AGAINST THE GRAIN
AGAINS CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS
AGAINST THE WORLD
WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD I NEED THE
TRUTH ABOUT WHO I AM!
I cannot fight my fellow adoptees fight
If I do I will be taken out with no hope in sight
I can walk along side of you and give you the
HOPE AND GLORY OF GOD
Because HE is who has carried me
THROUGH THIS FIGHT OF MY LIFE
I must admit, I’m tired of fighting.
I have part of my truth but I deserve it all
We all deserve our truth
Fighting the fight to find my truth
Has drained me and then LIFE?
It tries to knock you down anyway
So this fight…
Is it still worth fighting?
I’m ready to enjoy life and what it has to offer
I’ve forgiven my birth mother
I’ve gained sympathy for her
That decision she made 41 years ago
Created the biggest Fight of my Life
But today I have made the choice to
LET IT GO.
I have enough truth to be at a peaceful place
But acceptance is KEY
And praying to GOD
Because he’s the only one that can fill me with his Grace
I still have pain and this is my place to process
Grief & Loss sometimes overtakes me
BUT THAT’S OK
I will grieve my grief and losses
Cry loud and silent tears
But I want the rest of my life to be better than the first 41 years!
Grandkids will come in the future
I want to be a happy healthy grandma
And a better mom
So TODAY I have to wave the white flag
And thank God for bringing me this far
His beauty all around me
His sky was my baby blanket growing up
And still is.
Moving Forward
But I never want to forget my past
Because how else can I share what God has done for me?
FREEDOM AT LAST!
Laying down this fight, feeling worn, tattered and bruised
But my God is a God of RESTORATION
WALKING WITH HIM IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOSE!
God came in and is taking it all away
Healing my heart
Day by day
When you get sad and weary and it feels like the world is failing you
Remember God gives us the freedom to make all things NEW.
Leaving the past behind me
Waving Good-Bye
THE WHITE FLAG
I’ve traded a world full of lies
But make no mistake when you look into my eyes
I’m His Daughter and with me He is well pleased.
I refuse to keep my pain locked up any longer.
But today I release it to my
Heavenly Father
I can no longer fight this fight
I call it a truce
The Fight of My Life
I know Gods on my side
I will not lose!
It’s by God’s Grace I will contine to share my story.
This is just a piece of what my life feels like for the last 41 years as I struggle and a fight to find out my truth. It’s no rhyme or poem. It’s feelings I had to keep inside for 41 years. Without the truth I would never have been able to move forward to heal and make it to this place. “The Fight of my Life” is my truth as it is for many adoptees. I can only speak for myself but if you are an adoptee and can relate to feeling like you are fighting a battle all alone I promise you God is with you when it feels like the world is up against you. God has been with me this entire way, he’s never forgotten me and never forsaken me. He wants us to have our truth because HE IS TRUTH.
CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT- MY LIFE
Thanks for reading and never give up hope in finding our TRUTH & your FAMILIES! ❤
If you have no hope I have hope for you!
To my Pastor Marion Dalton- Thanks for helping me realize I was stuck in “Red Tape Living”. Through you God has opened my eyes to many things and I’m forever grateful for your teachings and lessons. Thank you isn’t enough! Just know if you happen to read this you have helped me more than you know.
I know I will always have pain attached to this grief, loss and trauma but through God I’m healing daily and moving forward living a sober life in recovery. I don’t have to drink today to process this pain but recovery isn’t for sissies and being adopted isn’t for sissies. God has let me know adoptees are some of the strongest people on the planet to be able to live through what we do and move forward. Thanks for reading.
Adoptees, Can you relate to this blog post? If so, please share how?
Love to ALL!
It reminds me of spending so much time waiting on my birth mother to keep her word in writing me. I spent over 20 years checking the mail and anticipating her letters and pictures. I wanted to read her feelings, see her hand writing, see a photo of her. In 1994 when I found her she PROMISED me she would write me. I wrote her. Would I be wrong for having a resentment about having to check the mail every day and being disappointed when I open the box and there never has and never will be anything from my biological mother or father? They have known my address but they had no desire to have a relationship with me but I still always had hope one day I would open the mailbox and get a letter from them. Sadly, every time I check the mail I still get disappointed.
Pamela A. Karanova 