Tag: Adoptee

Best Articles for Adoptees- 2015 Round Up

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

Excited that I was featured in adoption.com and nominated as one of the best articles for adoptees for 2015.

CAN YOU CELEBRATE WITH ME?!

CHEERS TO RINGING IN 2016

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I must admit the end of 2015 had turned out pretty somber for me. A future blog post will explain why, yes it is adoptee related. More heartache and heartbreak to add to the list of “WHY?”.

But God had a way of bringing things back to light for me by a fellow adoptee pointing out I was featured on adoption.com for the second time this year! The article shares my previous interview with adoptive mom, Denalee Chapman back in Feb 2015.

“In the adoption community, adoptees are celebrated! But not every adoptee feels like celebrating. Some grew up knowing they were adopted, others were shocked when they were told. An advocate for the truth and for healing, Pamela is an adoptee who is now in “recovery.”  She shares the importance of honesty—regardless of the emotions it may evoke—from the beginning. Having had to search and research, dig, and work hard, Pamela has only ever wanted the truth. She knows that finding the truth is the impetus to beginning the healing process.” – Denalee Chapman, Writer Adoption.com

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I can tell you I have so much to be thankful for but receiving some really tough news a few days after Christmas I was pretty down. This gave me a glimmer of hope and lifted my spirits in a way that only my fellow adoptees might understand. It let me know my pain is not going to be wasted and that YES people are reading, listening and learning and most importantly adoptees that have difficult stories are getting heard and our feelings are getting acknowledged, finally. It seems for centuries the only adoptee stories that were welcome by the world were the happy stories, and there was no room left for our grief, loss and trauma involved.

I’m honored to be the voice for so many adoptees that haven’t found their voice yet, especially the young adoptees who have no choice in sharing their voice. I’m honored to be not only on a rally for our OBC but it’s also a rally for TRUTH. We all deserve to know our truth. We all deserve to know where we come from. I love connecting with adoptees all over the world! Remember you aren’t alone, you matter and your feelings matter! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Lexington, KY

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Pamela Karanova’s Facebook

You can look her up by email pamlakaranova@gmail.com

You will find thousands of adoptees at “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?”

How Does it Feel to be Adopted?

I Nominate YOU!- How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Photo Challenge

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova1 Comment

ADOPTEES

I NOMINATE YOU!

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ADOPTED PHOTO CHALLENGE:

NAAM is over, but raising awareness on how it feels to be adopted is not.

Why would adoptees waste their time on such a challenge?

Well it’s simple, we’ve been silent for far too long. Our voices matter and there is no better way to bring awareness than stepping out of the box and raising our voices to sing a tune only adoptees can sing. This Photo Challenge is for all the adoptees who feel isolated, alone and like they don’t fit in. It’s for the adoptees who feel like they don’t matter. It’s for all the adoptees fighting for their truth. It’s for all the adoptees who want to network with other adoptees. Its for all the adoptees who have happiness and pain attached to their adoptee experience but the world will only allow them to share their happiness. We know your pain is real, and very valid. It’s time healing start to happen for all of us.

No adoptee should be left behind! 

WE HAVE TO RISE UP AS A ADOPTEE COMMUNITY BECAUSE AS WE SHARE OUR PHOTOS, WORDS, AND FACES WE BAN TOGETHER SO THE WORLD CAN SEE WE AREN’T ALONE & OUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. 

LET’S UNITE & SHARE WITH THE WORLD HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED! 

WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER!  


☆This photo challenge is for all the non-adoptees who want to learn how we feel. ☆

Adoptees, I would love to feature your photo on our Facebook,How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? Twitter Adoptee Reality and Instagram HDIFTBA Instagram & Blog HDIFTBA BLOG The only guidelines is that you hash tag ‪#‎HDIFTBA‬ on your actual photo, and use the space to share how it feels to be adopted. I want your face in the photo. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Whatever you want the world to know about how it feels to be adopted, it can be one word or many! It can be happy or sad. All your feelings are welcome, I just ask no curse words in order for us to post. Black marker can be seen easier, but feel free to use rainbow colors or be creative!

PLEASE TAG AS MANY ADOPTEES AS POSSIBLE AS YOU UPLOAD YOUR PHOTO TO SOCIAL MEDIA AND WE WILL DO THE SAME. USE HASHTAG #HDIFTBA so we can find one another!

Please email your photo to pamelakaranova@gmail.com OR Send them to our inbox on our Facebook Fan Page by clicking this link How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

Are you ready???

Let’s Go!!!!

‪#‎adoptee‬ ‪#‎adoption‬ #HDIFTBA ‪#‎adopt‬ ‪#‎adoptees‬#adopting ‪#‎adopted‬‪#‎adoptedchild‬ ‪#‎adultadoptee‬#whoami‪#‎howdoesitfeeltobeadopted‬#photochallenge @pwishes <—- Follow me on Insta!!!

HDIFTBA Photo Challenge

Shoot me a message if you have any questions!

Tag every adoptee you know as you share your photo, and don’t forget to put hashtag #HDIFTBA on the photo itself and as you upload it to your social media.

If you have any questions contact me here or Facebook at Pamela Karanova

You can also email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Many Blessings to YOU! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee

 

Building My Family Tree

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova3 Comments

Biological roots denied me but DNA doesn’t Lie.

My family tree is still my family tree.

That weird feeling when I create my family tree on ancestry.com but I know if my biological family knew I was  including them in what is biologically mine they would disown me a second time or lash out at me in some way…

All the way back to being a little girl in elementary school, I was denied being able to build a family tree because I didn’t have the information that was rightfully mine to have. I refused to build a family tree unless I knew my biological information, because if I built it on my adoptive family it seemed that wasn’t the truth for me, although I’m sure everyone would have liked me to go along with that. But I didn’t because it wasn’t true.

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This was what was TRUE, Until I found my answers.

Now, I feel a certain way about building it, because most of them weren’t accepting. But my need and want to KNOW and SEE MY FAMILY TREE for the first time in my life, is far greater than caring what any of them think… But it is in the back of my mind.

Have any of my fellow adoptees had this weird experience or felt this way?

It’s time I have my family tree, my truth and to be able to trace my ancestors as far back as possible.

Let me just add: If you aren’t for adoptees finding ALL of our TRUTH you are against it. It’s black and white.

John 8:32 says: 

“We shall know our TRUTH and our TRUTH shall set us FREE!”

 

I decided a few days ago, to dig deeper into my genealogy. Thankfully I’m one of the few adoptees that has fought and fought hard to discover my truth.  No one helped me. No one cared my heart was literally ripped in shreds not knowing where I came from.  Most of us are alone in this quest and no one walks along side of us and says, “I’m on this ride with you, you aren’t alone”. Not back in my days they didn’t anyway. Thanks to new technology, adoptees are growing up and they are connecting with other adoptees so they know they aren’t alone. Praise GOD for this!

Over a 20 year period, I searched and I found. Back in the beginning there was no internet. I found my birth mother’s name after my adoptive mom decided to “come clean” and let me know she lied to me my entire life.  I began my search for her by calling the Waterloo, Iowa library and the librarian was kind enough to do some research for me. God bless her for being so kind on that day back in 1985. I had no idea within 24 hours I would be on the phone with the woman that gave me life. It was a surreal experience for me. I had waited for that day my entire life.

Sadly, after meeting one time about a year after I found her she shut me out and we never spoke again. Not my choice. She passed away in 2010 with us meeting only one time. Through this journey, I have learned to have grace and compassion for this woman, my birth mother whom gave me life. I prayed, and cried, and sulked around for 40 years with a broken heart because I just didn’t understand how she “loved me so much” like I was always told yet she shut me out and didn’t want a relationship with me. It left me feeling so confused, sad, alone, and heartbroken for most of my life. Even into my adult hood I still hadn’t made sense of the truth of what had happened. Thankfully the last 3 years I’ve been on a healing journey, so I could see things through different lenses and gain more truth, because truth brings understanding.

ALL ADOPTEES NEED OUR TRUTH SO WE CAN GAIN UNDERSTANDING

WITH THIS UNDERSTANDING COMES ACCEPTANCE

THEN HEALING BEGINS

After attending my birth mothers funeral, I gained even more understanding. Many people that were close to her told me she shut me out because she was distraught because my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. She was promised I would have a “Better Life”.  If she knew that was going to happen, she would have kept me. She could have kept me and raised me as a single parent and gotten welfare, and public assistance and struggled like my adoptive mom did. I was told this hurt her deeply, and that is not what her wishes were. That’s the point many people make that is very valid in adoption. Adoption doesn’t promise a better life, only a different one.

As I struggled through her funeral, I was able to learn more about my biological father, and gain confirmation as to who he was and where he lived.

Next Stop: Leon, Iowa -Population 1900

I showed up at my birth fathers door after receiving confirmation from his wife that it would be a good time so I made a long 3 hour drive and arrived late morning on November 10, 2010. 10 years earlier, he received my letters but he ignored them so I decided I had nothing to lose and I needed to see his face one time. My desire was so great, I knew he was a gamer and a hunter, and he had a gun shed, and a slaughter shed on his property, and I still had no fear in knocking on his door. We had an hour long conversation and he let me take his picture and off I went. We exchanged contact information, and back to Kentucky I went. It was a surreal experience for me. I remember it like it was yesterday. Finally, after 36 years of wondering, wishing, dreaming about who I looked like I finally looked like someone. I looked just like my birth father.

Sadly, in the last 5 years he has denied a relationship with me. Chances are, he has never faced his part in this that he produced a child out of an affair, while he was married. He knew nothing about me and he has never accepted I was his daughter. I have accepted this.

My reason in bringing this point to light is because I am wondering if any other adoptees have been rejected by biological family, and when they do genealogy on that family and build a family tree if they feel like they are budding in someplace where they don’t belong. I mean, it is my family tree also. Just because I was given up for adoption, doesn’t mean my family history isn’t my family history. Just because they denied me, doesn’t mean my DNA is lying. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve my birth right, to know where my ancestors came from and to be able to trace them as far back as I possibly can. I feel like so much was taken, and although they denied me, I still have a right to my family tree.

As many other adoptees have said, “I DIDN’T SIGN ANY PAPERWORK”….

That is so true and fits me perfectly.

I believe in adoption all journeys are different. I was one of the adoptees who had this deep deep desire to know all the details about where I came from, and who my people were. It tortured me literally to not have the answers. So the more I find out, the more peace I have because it feels like I’m a real live living person, and not just some baby dropped out of the sky by a stork flying by. When there is no history or answers, or we don’t’ know our birth information, or the answers to our ancestry it’s hard to feel like a real person. For whatever reason a little part of me, maybe the little girl hiding inside is scared of being reprimanded by those who weren’t accepting, and they might tell me to get out of their family tree!

DNA DOES NOT LIE EVEN WHEN PEOPLE DO.

DNA PROVES MY FAMILY TREE IS MY FAMILY TREE.

I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TAKE THAT FROM ME.

As I build my family tree, I am reminded that it really doesn’t matter if they accepted me or not. It’s still my biological family tree. It isn’t everything to me, but it is a piece of me. I have waited all my life to have it and I don’t care what anyone says, it’s mine to have.

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A Few Mistakes Present, But This is the Start of my Family Tree.

As I have been searching over the past few weeks  I’ve found out many new details about ancestors and relatives I wouldn’t have known otherwise. The determination and drive I have had to complete this journey and to never give up can only come from God, and God alone. He’s been my rock when no one understood me. He’s helped me feel love, when I felt worthless, like a piece of trash thrown away to the side. He’s helped me understand that even when “THEY” didn’t plan me “HE DID”.  All of these things are great, but he’s also helped me find my answers, and helped me be courageous enough to put together a family tree with a family that has never accepted me to be in their family. God has saved the best for last, and that is Him helping me find the long lost brother I never knew I had, who has been accepting. He’s been the best part of my search.

Adoption not only has impacted me, but it has impacted my children and it will impact my grandchildren and their children and many generations to come. This isn’t a one-time transaction that doesn’t have any consequences. It’s forever.  My family tree is their family tree. Because it was denied to me, doesn’t mean it should be denied to my children and grandchildren.

God has given me the courage to be brave, to dig deeper and know in my heart of hearts I am doing nothing wrong. If our God is a God of truth, there is no way he wouldn’t want everyone on the earth to know their TRUTH.

For my fellow adoptees, how have you felt about building your family tree? Are you apprehensive or have you not thought twice about it? What has stopped you from building one? Are you one of the adoptees who isn’t able to search due to lack of information? How does this make you feel to not have your history? Have you considered entering your DNA into the DNA databases? What is stopping you?

I pray all adoptees and all people all around the world who don’t have their answers get what they deserve. I pray HOPE in your life, and I want you to never give up!

Let me add, knowing and learning my true history and place of origin has nothing to do with how awesome or amazing my adoptive family has been, or my Family of Choice (church family). They do not compare. They are separate and totally different than me wanting to know my birth right. They are fantastic and amazing in their own way. So please, don’t throw me under the bus for wanting to know my history, it has nothing to do with what my adoptive family did or didn’t do, how they did it or how wonderful they were. It’s simply NATURAL to want to know where we come from. Adoptive parents, please take note and HELP US if you can.

Thanks for reading & don’t forget to to check out the sites I created for all those impacted by adoption, “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted”.

For National Adoption Awareness Month I’m collecting Adoptee Stories at

Our Blog -How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

ADOPTEES, PLEASE CONSIDER SHARING YOUR STORY!

Don’t forget to “Like” our Facebook page

Adoptees, Sharing Stories on How It Feels To Be Adopted

Find Me On Facebook

Find me on Twitter: @freesimplyme

Fellow Adoptees, always remember you aren’t alone!

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee

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Can I Cry Now?

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova14 Comments

When I searched for my birth mother I was all alone, with no support or guidance.

There was no help.

Can I cry now?

My adoptive mom told me my birth mother loved me “So Much. that’s why she gave me away ” but when I found her she didn’t want to know me.

Can I cry now?

Never in a million years would I expect the woman that loved me “SO MUCH” to reject me…

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother told me I made her dreams come true to be a mother, there was no room for my sadness or tears because for her dreams to come true, I lost an entire family and my mother.

I couldn’t ruin her dream come true by my sadness?

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother lied to me about finding my birth family, and told me when we had enough money we would get the sealed records opened I hung onto that hope. It was a lie.

Can I cry now?

When I saw a billion therapists, counselors, was put on medications, locked up in rehab, and juvenile jail.. No one ever asked me if my pain was from losing my first family or being separated from my biological mother. Not once.

Can I cry now?

When I contemplated suicide as a teenager, I kept it a secret because no one cared about my feelings.

Can I cry now?

No one has ever asked how it felt growing up not mirroring anyone and feeling alone and isolated.

Can I cry now?

Everyone told me how to feel, and that I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

Can I cry now?

When my birth father’s rights were stolen, and he wasn’t even told about my existence but did my adoptive parents ever wonder who my father was?

Can I cry now?

I had high hopes, but when I showed up at his door to introduce myself he knew nothing about me.

He denied I was his daughter.

He told me to “Go To Hell”.

Can I cry now?

Because of this I will never EVER have ONE MEMORY, NOT ONE WITH A BIOLOGICAL GRANDPARENT!

CAN I CRY NOW??!

Because of things I had no control over, I missed out on relationships with my siblings growing up.

Lost time never to return.

Can I cry now?

Someone else’s dream come true is my biggest loss, yet I’m supposed to be THANKFUL FOR THIS LIFE?

Can I cry now?

Stuck in the middle of 2 families, feeling torn between the 2 yet never really fitting into either…

Can I cry now?

My birthday is like dooms day. Yet I’m forced to put on a smile. It was the day I lost everything.

Can I cry now?

When I searched for my biological mother everywhere I went, no one cared that all I wanted was HER.

Can I cry now?

But her loving me “SO MUCH” was a lie too, because when I found her SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.

Can I cry now?

It’s been torture not knowing WHO I AM or WHERE I CAME FROM.

Can I cry now?

My broken heart is dismissed by everyone, because adoption is such a glorious thing.

Can I cry now?

For everyone that tells me I should just get over it, move on, or suck it up, or I’m just focused on the past and its negative…

Until you have walked one day in my shoes, you can’t judge me.

Can I cry now?

Because I feel like the WORLD is up against me

Can I cry now?

I will pretend when you see me, everything is OK because I’ve been conditioned to do that since I found out I was adopted.

But today I want to ask YOU if I can cry now?

When all my pain has been locked inside for over 40 years because the WORLD GLORIFIES ADOPTION AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY PAIN…

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Answer me WORLD who glorifies ADOPTION…

Answer me WORLD who has no room for my PAIN.

CAN I CRY NOW?

I had to fight the WORLD and the CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS to find my TRUTH so I could move forward and HEAL

Can I cry now?

Now that I’m not running from the pain of my reality, and I’m 3 years into sobriety, not drinking or drugging to numb my pain

Can I cry now?

Since society, and the WORLD and everyone impacted by adoption denied me my right to grieve growing up, finally at 41 years old

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Remember crying is healing.

Sharing feelings is healing.

WORLD WHO GLORIFIES ADOPTION…

You have to FEEL it to HEAL it…

CAN I CRY NOW?

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Pamela A. Karanova

PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

**If you can’t acknowledge my feelings, please don’t silence me with your scriptures.

An Adoptee Rights Rally For Truth-2016 Get On Board!

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

Adoptee Rights Rally 2016

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As the adoptee community begins the process in planning the Adoptee Rights Rally 2016 I sit here and wonder why there aren’t more non-adoptees supporting us. Or are they but just choose to sit silent?

I think they are afraid to speak up and speak out and even click “like” on posts that adoptees are sharing these days for fear of what others think. Will it show up on my timeline? Will others think bad of me for going against the grain of what the “Adoption Industry” portrays?

I would like to ask all non-adoptees to try to pull themselves away from the world’s view of “adoption” and place themselves in our shoes for a moment.

Just for a moment…

Imagine growing up your entire life not looking like anyone, not knowing where you come from or who your people were. Imagine going on a date as a teenager or adult, and not knowing whether your date could be your cousin, or sibling or someone blood related to you. It’s always in the back of your mind, but you will never know the truth about who shares your DNA because “adoption laws” from centuries ago say so. Laws of man are standing in your way. Every day is a question mark hanging over your head, and you try to search for those who might look like you and you wonder ever y single day if they ARE related to you. But you will never know because again, laws of man are standing in your way. You have children of your own, and not only do you have to put “ADOPTED UNKNOWN” down as your medical history, but you have to put it down for half of your children’s medical history. Everything of every day is UNKNOWN and NOTHING is CERTAIN anywhere in your life.  This is simply because you are adopted.

Memories that can never be replaced are gone forever. You are forced to be thankful because a family “rescued” you when your own family didn’t want you. When you have feelings of sadness or despair, you are told to just get over it or move on. Or simply be thankful for LIFE, after all God knitted you together in your mother’s womb and he knew every hair on your head before you were ever born and you are a GIFT FROM GOD.  The world leaves no place for your sadness, or heartache because you made someone’s dreams come true of being parents, especially those with infertility issues. You are more like a pawn, used to make other’s happy with no say so in what’s happening to you. Your feelings don’t matter at all, unless they are feelings of happiness and gratification of course. You struggle to bond with anyone around you, because let’s face it. They are nothing like you. There are no connections. You are alone and your feelings don’t matter. Your adoptive parents make it a point to make you “feel good” about your adoption experience, which they have good intentions, but this diminishes any feelings of sadness of your grief and loss so you grow up your entire life hiding how you truly feel. As you get older, your deep sadness turns to anger, rage, and you start to act out and hurt those around you. Contemplating suicide over and over because no one will help you and no one understands you!

 All you really want is your TRUTH!

Who am I?

Where did I come from?

Where are the people that look like me?

SOMEONE HELP ME FIND MY PEOPLE!!!

WHY IS MY [His]Story & [Her]Story BEING KEPT SECRET FROM ME?

WHY ARE THOSE THAT SAY THEY LOVE ME LYING TO ME?

Do I need to continue on?

This never ends my friends. Adoptees all over the world are just SCREAMING TO FIND THEIR PEOPLE! THE ARE BEGGING FOR THEIR TRUTH!

Regardless of the laws of man from centuries ago, My God is a God of TRUTH and just because our biological mothers and fathers made decisions that had NOTHING TO DO WITH US doesn’t mean we should have to keep paying for their mistakes. Society, [yes you!] has placed this heavy burden upon us [adoptees] that if we don’t FEEL a certain way, we’re just angry, or focusing on the bad. Society has to make a change and understand that we only want our truth so we can move forward and HEAL! We can’t heal from half truths, and lies and secrecy. It’s time the rainbow colored glasses come off, and the truth come to LIGHT about secrecy surrounding many adoptions today.

 Secrecy is from the DEVIL. TRUTH is from GOD.

There is no reason on earth we should have to go to WASHINGTON, DC to have a peaceful demonstration to get what’s rightfully ours, OUR TRUTH! But the fact is, we do because the world is still operating on laws from centuries ago.

I understand this might not be important to you [non adoptees] because you aren’t adopted or you aren’t impacted by adoption in anyway but what about this being a human rights issue?

Why not support TRUTH for ALL ADOPTEES ALL OVER THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO?  WHY ARE WE FIGHTING LAWS OF MAN FOR OUR TRUTH?

YOU’RE EITHER FOR US [TRUTH] OR YOU’RE AGAINST US [SECRECY].

It’s black & white.

My Bible say’s “You shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you FREE” John 8:32

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN!

So I’m asking all non-adoptees today to PLEASE open your heart and ears to what adult adoptees have to say about the secrecy and lies involved in altering birth certificates, and keeping them sealed from adoptees all over the world. We all deserve to know where we come from, and we all deserve to know our history, medical history, ancestry, siblings, our birth records, and to have our original birth certificates.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ADOPTED TO GET ON BOARD WITH ADOPTEES FINDING OUR TRUTH.

IT’S A HUMAN RIGHT

WITH ADOPTEE SUICIDE RATE 4X MORE LIKELY THAN NON ADOPTEES WE AS A SOCIETY CAN’T CONTINUE TO BE SILENT ABOUT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT.  ARE WE GOING TO CONTINUE TO IGNORE THESE FACTS?

I’m not saying I’m against adoption. I’m against secrecy and lies that surround adoptions because these secrecy and lies have had a direct impact on me and my children and hundreds of thousands of other adoptees out there. It’s time all adoptees get equal access to their original birth certificates just like the rest of society.

All those that believe in the TRUTH please consider attending this event to support a great cause!

You don’t even have to attend this event. You can “LIKE” or “SHARE” posts on Facebook regarding this event, or adoptees speaking about finding their truth. Anything HELPS!

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ADOPTED TO BELIEVE IN TRUTH!

What’s stopping you from Supporting Adoptee Rights?

IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ADOPTEES FOR NON-ADOPTEES TO SUPPORT US!

It’s simple, you’re either for us or you’re against us.

CLICK THIS LINK TO JOIN THE INVITE!

What can non-adoptees do to support adoptees?

Get on board for open records and support us in stopping the secrecy that surrounds many adoptions today. Get on board with adoptee rights.

Understand the secrecy that we are experiencing is strong, and it’s still thriving today in most adoptions.

Take the blinders OFF and listen to what adult adoptees are saying.

ADOPTEES HAVE VALID VOICES TOO!

We all deserve to be able to move forward and heal, but without our TRUTH healing can’t happen. Think about it.

Pamela A. Karanova, Lexington, KY

PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Grief & Loss & Adoptees

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova7 Comments

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This picture kinda sums up my mood at this point in my life.

I was up late last night researching “Grief & Loss” and all the stages of this process.

It was amazing to me that if I inserted the word “ADOPTEES” into all of the areas that take you through the grief & loss process it describes how I have felt all of my life regarding my adoption experience.

Putting in some work and research I have identified that this process is the grief and loss process, vs. depression. I’ve compared the 2, and from what I’ve read and learned, the grief & loss process is like an emotional roller coaster, up and down. It’s said that you can still see the beauty in areas of your life, and the thankful for certain areas, but in this particular area (ADOPTION) I (and hundreds of thousands of other adoptees) are stuck in this grieving and loss process.

Why are so many of us stuck?

My opinion is based on living my life being an adoptee. I believe I am stuck at this point in my life because my grief & loss was never acknowledged growing up, ever. I’ve been 100% alone on this entire journey, until now. I know I have people who support me, especially my fellow adoptees. Growing up, no one ever told me it was okay to be sad about the biggest loss of my life, let alone cry about wanting to know who my birth mother was. Emotions, and sad feelings were tucked deep inside, with no way to come out.

I remember my adoptive mom telling me I was adopted, and how my birth mother loved me so much she “gave me away” to have a “better life”. She followed this by saying, how HAPPY she was, that her dreams finally came true to be a mother. She said she couldn’t have her own babies, so when she adopted me, God gave her the gift of being a mother, so I was so special to her.

Let me ask… I wonder how my feelings of sadness would fit into this equation? I remember being a little girl, thinking, “Wow.. She sure is happy I’m here, to be her daughter” and I knew at that moment, for her to keep her happiness I can’t share my sadness. Did anyone else experience this? In a way I feel like it was a form of gas lighting. But she was also someone who always made us feel like we were responsible for the way she felt, which is not true. I grew up with the mindset (because of her upbringing) her happiness and sadness depended on me. She would always say things like, “You made me feel this way, or you made me feel that way”… I always remember counselors always telling us, “You aren’t responsible for her feelings”. When we would say that to her, she insisted we made her “feel” a certain way.

It’s interesting to me to finally figure this all out and my attempts to do this research are to work towards healing, because truthfully although I’m on the other side of my healing journey, I still have a long way to go.

Let me share some of the top areas that society might consider areas we might grieve our losses over in our life:

  • Divorce/Relationship Breakup
  • Loss of health
  • Losing a job
  • Loss of financial stability
  • A miscarriage
  • Retirement
  • Death of a pet
  • Loss of a cherished dream
  • A loved one’s serious illness
  • Loss of a friendship
  • Loss of safety after a trauma
  • Selling the family home

Of course we can add to that list. It amazes me that losing ones mother at the beginning of life is no where on this list. Nor is losing an entire family in adoption.

What if, just what if the WORLD started opening their eyes to the adoptees side of view, and they stepped out of denial and we started to grieve our very VERY real loss at a very early age?  What if the world started treating adoption loss like they do other losses? What if the WORLD got educated on the grief & loss process, and adopees started sharing their feelings at a much earlier age? What if we saw adoptee therapists who specialized in complicated grief and loss at a early age?

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief we experience.

Adoptee loss is complicated!

In adoption, our loss is so extremely great, yet it’s almost always ignored. We’re told the be thankful, to be grateful and to be happy we were given life when we could have been aborted. We’re told we were a GIFT FROM GOD and God knitted us in our mothers womb and we were planned before we were ever born. Scriptures are thrown at us to back it up.

How do these comments help us grieve our loss? To me, they have always been silencer statements as a way for someone to try to make me “FEEL” better. How about as a society we come to a place where we just can’t make adoptees feel better, we let them grieve their losses by acknowledging them and we listen to their feelings when they share them?

What if those close to us were to say, “It’s okay to be sad” or “It’s okay to want to know where/who your first mommy is. She’s your mommy and you have every right to love her and ask questions about her”. What if the world said “I’m so sorry for the pain adoption has caused you, and acknowledged our feelings of loss” instead of “Oh your adopted?! How wonderful!”.

There is nothing wonderful about losing our mothers and an entire family. I’m so sorry, but there just isn’t anything wonderful about that.

I’ve written a few blog posts earlier about God healing my broken heart regarding my birth mother. Amazing, yes this did happen! What I’m continuing to experience is processing grief & loss regarding my adoptee experience. I have accepted that it is here to stay, and the more I feel it the more God will heal it. So this is my safe place to write about what I’m FEELING regarding my adoptee experience, and each time I write I’m healing.

I would like to encourage all adoptive parents to reach out for help on assisting your adoptive child in starting the grief and loss process as early as possible. I had to figure all this out on my own. I still have people that are close to me who think I should have “just gotten over it” by now. Don’t you think if I could I would? Who really wants to go through the grief and loss process their entire life? Sad thing is, sometimes it takes us an entire life to process this grief and loss especially when we aren’t starting until our 20’s-30’s-40’s & 50’s. If society would step out of denial, and begin to understand how great our loss truly is, by reading adoptee blogs, reading The Primal Wound-Understanding The Adopted Child and take off their rainbow colored glasses regarding adoption, we wouldn’t spend such a long time grieving our losses.

Let me say there is no write or wrong way to grieve, or a time we are limited to ID-100265464grieve. Some of us grieve pretty quickly, some of us are perfectly fine and don’t need to grieve at all. Some of us experience loss so great, we will be grieving for the rest of our lives. Each adoptee is different and unique in that aspect. The point I’m trying to make is that once the WORLD steps out  of denial and starts to acknowledge our loss as a real and valid reason to grieve adoptees will begin to heal. We need non-adoptees to TRY to understand this, especially those impacted by adoption. What if we start doing this at as young of an age as possible the adoptee suicide rate will begin to go down? The prisons, and treatment facilities filled with adoptees will be less and less. The crime rate for adoptees will be less and less.

Study the grief and loss process, and add ADOPTEE LOSS everywhere you can. You will learn that “ANGER” is one of the stages of grief, and as an adoptee who has lived being adopted we have much reason to be angry. The question is, what are we doing with our anger? Are we using it to hurt ourselves, and other people or are we using it in a positive way? Are we helping others with it?

So many adoptees don’t know what to do with the feelings they are having. Talk about a mixed up bag of emotions. Every day continues to be a struggle, but because of my kids, God and my close family and friends, and because of my fellow adoptees I’m still here.   Many days I don’t want to be here, the pain is just too great and at 41 years old it continues on. I know my fellow adoptees get it!

Could it be I will experience this pain from grief and loss for the rest of my life? 

I will never know the answer to that, until I reach the end of my life but I have experienced it for 41 years now. Each and every day there are always reminders and each day is a struggle. I don’t believe I’ve ever truly lived LIFE because so much has always been weighed down. I’ve spent my entire life trying to survive and make it through the realities of what adoption really is.  Today, I can get comfort in knowing I have a purpose on this earth to share my story so other adoptees know they aren’t alone. I have hope in Jesus my pain will get easier. I have hope that future generations of adoptees will have things easier, because adoptive parents are reading and listening.

I’ve learned that most people just don’t want to read or hear what adoptees have to say because the truth in how we feel is pretty uncomfortable. It’s not usually a happy topic and I can understand this might be the case for any “hot topics”. Yet society is failing to “tune in” to a very flawed system of sealed records, and adoptees hurting all over the world because no one will validate our grief and loss. Society can do something about this. They can chose to tune in and try to understand from an adult adoptees perspective. They can stop pretending that our loss isn’t real or we aren’t impacted by loosing our entire first family. They can face the truth, because the truth is the only way we will be set free. I challenge you, to start tuning in today.

I know the adult adoptees sharing their stories is causing a ripple effect in the adoption communities, so all the future generations of adoptees will be able to be heard and not silenced. They will understand their loss is real, and it’s okay to grieve it. Hopefully it will start as early as possible. I pray adoptive parents out there are equipped on how to handle these very sensitive subjects, so they can better help their adoptive children. ( search for an adoptee therapist who specializes in complicated grief & loss) No matter what our biological parents were, or they weren’t we all deserve to know our truth, so we can grieve that truth and move forward with healing.

John 8:32 “We shall know the truth, and the TRUTH shall set us free” 

For my fellow adoptees, what has helped you with grieving your losses during your journey? Do you have any suggestions for your fellow adoptees or those reading? What has your process been like? Has it gotten easier for you?

Pamela A. Karanova PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

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LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

We’ve heard it all for centuries, especially in the adoption community.

“ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE”

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Well I’m here to express my desire to not only have love but my truth. Love wasn’t all I needed.

I needed my truth

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN

Yes, you guessed it. I’m an adult adoptee who has grown into my own woman. I have developed my own opinion, and I have been on a healing journey for 3 years now, attempting to heal from the lifelong struggles being adopted have brought my way. When I was growing up you weren’t supposed to talk about it. The less adoptive parents talked about it the better. Well, that was probably the worst advice that could have ever been given to adoptive parents.

TODAY…

I don’t have to be quiet, because it’s not a secret anymore. It might have been in the 1970’s but those days are over.

John 8:32 Says, “We shall know our TRUTH, and our TRUTH shall set us free”.

This scripture is what I stand on for all adoptees all over the world that are fighting to find their truths.

Love is good. Love is great.  Love isn’t everything. Love definitely wins. But Love isn’t all I needed.

I believe all adoptees are different. Some are perfectly content with not knowing who they look like or where they come from. They don’t need to know their answers. A lot of times adoptive parents come to me and say, “Jonny is fine with being adopted, I ask him how he feels and he says “Fine”, and he never brings it up. He appears to be happy.”

I think parents, adopted or not naturally want to protect their kids. I find this to come natural as a parent of 3 children. I would never want my poor kid’s hearts broken, but the truth is when you adopt a child, you adopt their broken, tainted, tore history while you adopt them. You also adopt the beautiful history some of us have.  It’s a part of them. I believe when you adopt a child, you have to accept this as a part of the child, and learn that there will be a day that child will start asking questions about their first family. They deserve to know their truth.

If LOVE was all I needed I would have been in great shape growing up. I believe with my entire heart that my adoptive parents and family LOVED me with everything they knew how. I have always been closer to my adoptive dad, yet he has always been so far away. But he’s been amazing. His wife, my step mother of over 35 years has also loved me the best way she knew how. We’ve all had a roller coaster ride over the years, but at the end of the day I know they have loved me, and they haven’t lied to me to gain anything. I respect them for that.

I still needed all the answers to my history. I needed my truth. I needed to know who my siblings were. I wanted to meet my biological grandparents. I have searched for every clue to WHO I AM and learned that I’m not like anyone of them! I’m the child God created me to be, but I needed to know and see this for myself. I needed to make the choices on my own, without everyone telling me and making the choice for me.

Saying “Love is all we need” is like putting a band-aide on our wounds. They are still deep down there and will surface as root issues later on in life.

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 THE TRUTH HAS HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET.

I experienced failed reunions and rejection from both birth parents, yet I am happy every day I got one AMAZING brother out of the deal, and his AWESOME siblings have accepted me as their own.  I will always be grateful for them, and their relationships. ALTHOUGH THE TRUTH HURT, I WOULD RATHER KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, AND BE ABLE TO HEAL THROUGH JESUS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE!!!!

We can’t heal if we don’t know our truth.

If I can share something with all my fellow adoptees out there, I would like to say to never give up hope in finding your truth and as much as it hurts to say, be prepared for anything. Most of the time relinquishment isn’t a “Pretty Story”.  I most certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from searching, but reach out to another adoptee that can pray for you, or help walk you through the emotions of the reunion and search experience.

My reunion doesn’t define me. My biological parents don’t define me. My adoptive parents don’t define me. My history doesn’t define me.

They are indeed a part of my Her [Story] – History! 

WHO I AM IN JESUS DEFINES ME!

I learned I’m really not like anyone, yet God made me (and YOU) special and unique in his own way. After learning what I know about my birth parents, TODAY I’m extremely thankful I’m not like any of them. The difference is, I know JESUS and neither of them did/do. I have his peace. I don’t have to drink today to handle these emotions, and the pain that goes along with this journey. Being adopted is a lifelong thing, it doesn’t just go away. This is something I will be working through for the rest of my life.

LOVE IS GREAT & LOVE WINS

But LOVE isn’t all I needed.

I needed my TRUTH

I thank GOD today, I’m no longer fighting for my truth.

How do my fellow adoptees feel?

Is love all you need?

Pamela A. Karanova,

Adult Adoptee Reunited

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Bye Bye Broken Heart

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

I’ve been wanting to share it for a while now, but I have started 2 blog posts that were way too long, that I can’t complete for some reason…

I wanted to share something with my fellow adoptees. It’s a video! This video has literally changed my life. It made me feel differently about my adoption experience. In a nutshell, I’ve experienced a broken heart for 40 years of my life. When my spiritual momma, Ms. Deanie shared materials from Dr. Charles Kraft with me, it changed everything.

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Adoptees, look him up! Everyone look him up! He’s amazing. I suggest “2 Hours to Freedom” and also google “Back to the Womb”. This is a video Dr. Kraft has and it’s a healing exercise that takes us all the way back to our birth mother’s womb. I can go into major details why this video helped me so much, but it will take me forever to explain it all.

Let me summarize it for you…

 I will share that I always wondered if my birth mother held me when I was born. I obsessed with wondering what my birth was like. Did she hold me, or even look at me? Was the room dark and cold? I heard she was in the hospital under an alias, and flowers her best friend sent her were returned, because she used a fake name in the hospital. This leads me to believe she was alone. Was she sad? Was she happy to get the day over with? I was always mad at her for not aborting me. I was mad at my birth parents for being so irresponsible, and instead of keep me, they gave me away. Let me be truthful, I’ve spent most of my life being angry about my entire adoptee experience. When  I started working on my issues, and working on myself  I learned how deep and profound abandonment & rejection issues are! I learned how profound the primal bond and the primal wound is! Research it you all, this is REAL!

This is my TRUTH.. I will make no apologizes for it! 

I learned that the way I felt about myself all these years is the way my birth mother felt about me during her pregnancy. The spirit of shame, and rejection transferred tome in utero.  I TRULY BELIEVE THIS! If you do the research, you will learn that the way our birth mothers feel during pregnancy, we feel. We store memories in our subconscious memories all the way back to 2 months gestation. All adoptees stories are different, but I know my birth mother hid me from the world. She was ashamed she was pregnant by a married man who was a close family friend. She rejected the pregnancy, and drank alcohol the entire time. She wore baggy clothes, I was unwanted, unplanned, and given away at birth. This has made me feel unwanted, rejected, abandoned, and alone most of my life!

AFTER WATCHING THIS VIDEO IT ALL CLICKED FOR ME! 

This video changed everything for me! I still struggle, I still have issues. Right now my birthday was the hardest to get past. 8/13 But I did it. After watching this video, and doing some writing exercises and traveling to The Natural Bridge here in KY, I released a whole bunch of things back on June 7, 2015.

This was the day my broken heart was mended!

It doesn’t mean I still don’t have sadness, but who has had a broken heart from their adoption experience? That pain is indescribable! 40 Years of that pain!

After watching this video, I haven’t had (aside from my birthday) the deep sadness I have always had regarding my birth mother. I know my fellow adoptees get it, and even when my birth mother didn’t want a relationship with me I always desired to have a relationship with her, and had that deep sense of connection to want to know her. Just because she rejected me, didn’t mean my loss wasn’t there. It was even greater.

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When I did the writing exercises, I also prayed to God that he help heal my broken heart. I wrote down all my broken hearted feelings associated with my adoption experience, and my birth mother. I cried. I had snot slinging and all. I wanted this deep sadness to be gone. After I wrote everything down, I flew paper planes off the Natural Bridge, and let go of it. I left different that day. The say you have to go through the pain in order to heal from it. I believe this to be true 110%. We never went through the grief and loss process when we were born, and it’s never too late.  If everyone say’s God heals ( I know he does) I refused to settle with living with this pain forever. For the last few years (you can see by my previous blog posts) that I had accepted this pain was here to stay.

WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! THE DEVIL IS A LIE! 

I should have known better. I want all my fellow adoptees to know that with God, healing is possible! Most people in this life that aren’t adopted can’t even comprehend what we are even trying to heal from. The best thing they have to go on is adoptees sharing their feelings on how it feels to be adopted, and if they chose not to engage in reading or learning, they will never know. I know that moving to this next level in my recovery and healing, I will be better equipped to help my fellow adoptees, and others impacted by adoption. I believe I needed to get to this place, so I could have a happy ending. Soon, I’ll continue writing my memoir, and there will be happiness at the end. There will be pages filled with sorrow, yet hope will be something all adoptees will get by reading my memoir. Because of this, my story will have a happy ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still have pain, everyday is painful because I’m reminded of all adoption has taken. I have deep rooted abandonment and rejection issues, BUT MY BROKEN HEART REGARDING MY BIRTH MOTHER IS GONE! That’s a big deal! Now I can continue to reach out to other adoptees, and not have this heavy hearted burden weighing me down.

I’m really not writing for non-adoptees but hopefully they can learn something as well. I’m writing for my fellow adoptees. I love you guys, and I remember being all alone, hopeless in this world. If I have one accomplishment in life, it’s to let my fellow adoptees know that God heals, he healed me, and he’s continuing to heal me.  I also want them to know they aren’t alone in this journey.

Here’s the video. Please let me know if it impacts you at all??

Back to the Womb- Dr. Charles Kraft

Leave me a message you were here!

To all my STEP STUDY AND CELEBRATE RECOVERY & BETHEL FAMILY! THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME AND LISTENING TO ME ENDLESSLY ABOUT MY ADOPTEE ISSUES! JUDITH & DEANIE! ❤ YOU TOO!<3

Pamela Karanova

Adult Adoptee Reunited

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ADOPTEE IN RECOVERY VICTORY!- 3 YEAR SOBRIETY!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

Well, if you are reading this you can help me CELEBRATE ringing in my 3 year sobriety milestone!

AUGUST 12, 2012

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Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be sober living in recovery, let alone reach a 3 year milestone! Pretty AMAZING FEELING! God gets the glory!

I know, it’s not 5 or 10 years, but I remember way back when I didn’t think I could live without alcohol. I was a full time runner, running from the pain from my past.

Let me give you a little history. I started drinking when I was around 12 years old. I found an escape by drinking alcohol. My at home life was far from normal, and alcohol seemed to take my pain away. I was suffering from abandonment & rejection issues from being adopted, but I could never share my pain with anyone. Let’s face it, in adoption if you don’t have happy warm fuzzy feelings your feelings really aren’t welcomed. I was always told to be “Thankful” my birth mother didn’t abort me, or that I was adopted so I could have a “Better Life”. Deep down, I was lost, isolated, and alone and my heart was broken. I waited for my birth mother to come find me, but she never showed up.

I was admitted to drug and alcohol rehab by the time I was 15. It didn’t do any good, because I didn’t want to be there. I was forced. As I grew up drinking was a way of life for me. I partied, a lot. I loved going out and hanging with friends. I experimented with different drugs. My drug of choice was MDMA (ecstasy). I had no shame in drinking and driving. I went to jail and got a DUI that cost me $355 a drink that night. I’m not proud of any of these things, just sharing where I have been!

I was running from the truth & I had no tools to heal. I kept avoiding my reality, and I never faced the TRUTH about my adoption experience. This was based partly because I didn’t have all the pieces, and partly because I used alcohol to numb my pain. The other part was an internal struggle I felt because I felt a totally different way than everyone else felt about being adopted. I wasn’t thankful. I was brokenhearted. My feelings weren’t welcome. I was in a lot of pain not knowing who I was or where I came from. To top it off lies and deception kept me from finding my truth for many years. This stalled my healing. I couldn’t TRULY heal because my mind was distorted.

August 12, 2012 everything changed. I went through a life changing event. My eyes were wide open and I made the decision to throw in the towel on my drinking habit and I started a recovery program. I knew it was time. I started AA at first. It’s a great program but I found out about Celebrate Recovery and it was clear that was where God wanted me. October 2012 I walked through those doors a broken woman! I had nowhere to turn, and I only knew very few people who lived their lives in recovery. One was a faraway friend, and another was my friends son & I was twice his age. It’s amazing that God used both of them to show me the ropes in the beginning of a new way of life for me.

I can’t lie. I was scared. I was nervous. I felt alone. I was broken.

God swooped up and changed everything! It wasn’t long before I had a new found family and everyone loved me despite my flaws. This “SAFE PLACE” was the first place in my life I was able to freely share “How it feels to be adopted” and not have anyone judge me or tell me how to feel. I was able to share my hurt, my pain, my broken heart, my tears, my struggles, and all the things in between that come with being on a healing journey to wholesome. I was able to identify my root issues of abandonment & rejection from my adoption experience, and move forward with acceptance, and healing. This was the first time in 40 years my root issue was identified and I saw counselors my entire life! ABANDONMENT & REJECTION FROM BEING ADOPTED ARE MY ROOT ISSUES. No more denying.

WOW! 3 years later, I’m in leadership at Celebrate Recovery and I co-lead a small group for women with chemical dependency issues. Who would have ever thought God would use me in that way?

The most amazing part of me is the fact that my kids are my #1 fans. They have seen the changes, and because of my changes their lives are changed. Celebrate Recovery has given me the tools to become a happier healthier mother, and one day grandmother. These are the reasons I’m living today! I always say God saved me in just enough time to save my kids. He gets the glory!

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2 Weeks Ago                     4 Years Ago.
I can tell you I’m not where I need to be, but I’m sure not where I used to be. God is using my biggest misery as his biggest ministry. I’ve prayed for grace, and I’m able to share my adoption experience from a place of peacefulness. I still have issues, lord do I ever. But I have hope in the future, and I know God heals. He healed my broken heart, and he’s put some spiritual mothers in my life who I adore. They know who they are. 

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult due to my birthday coming up. Not even going there, I know my fellow adoptees get it. With my sobriety birthday the day before, I felt the need to write a VICTORIOUS BLOG POST to let all my fellow adoptees know that THERE IS HOPE IN JESUS. HEALING IS POSSIBLE. If you are struggling with using substances of any kind, I promise you it’s only delaying your healing. The great thing is there’s a Celebrate Recovery in almost all cities in the USA, and it’s even in other countries.

Leave me a message if you are an adoptee and you are struggling with chemical dependency issues. I would love to get to know you and hear your story.

HELP ME CELEBRATE 3 YEARS!  Leave me a comment! XOXO

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

@freesimplyme

Dear Birth Mother

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova4 Comments

Dear Arlene,

I have so much to say and figured I would write a letter to release some of the things on my mind and in my heart. Writing has been a major healing tool in my recovery journey.

So much floods my mind on what to say and how to say it. I guess I really wanted to write because it’s a few days before my birthday and I always get really sad around this time, thinking of you and the events that happened that day. As soon as August hits, it overwhelms me like a tsunami of emotions. Truthfully, I wish it would just go away. It has an impact on my life, and it’s not in a positive way. I was thinking if I wrote you a letter it might help. I can only try.

My feelings have been hurt for years about you not keeping your word when you promised me you would write me, and send me pictures. I waited for over 20 years and you never sent them. Every time I checked the mail, another disappointment. You lied. I’ve done a lot of research on mothers who have given their babies up for adoption, as a way to try to understand you better. I think I’ve learned quite a bit of things. I read “The Girls That Went Away” and it helped me understand the loss that some of the mothers felt after they were forced to give their babies up. My heart aches for them.

I guess the picture I painted of you when I was growing up is that “You loved me so much”, because that’s what I was always told. Your actions have proven me otherwise. I always believed growing up you would want a relationship with me, and want me in your life. After all if you loved me so much, why would you not want me in your life? I had such high hopes for our relationship and I always wanted to have a relationship with you. After I found you, 21 years ago and met you one time I learned that the picture I had painted of you based on what I was told by my adoptive mother, wasn’t the real picture at all. I’m not sure any adoptee would be able to expect their biological mother shutting them out after meeting just one time, because I’m still trying to figure out how someone prepares for that? I always blamed myself. The wound from being separated from you began the moment I was born, and over the years it got deeper and deeper. After I found you and you shut me out, (rejected me) it only felt like a deep gaping hole in my heart that caused me the biggest amount of heartache I could have ever imagined. How does a mother reject their own child? I have been heartbroken my entire life, and you left this world with no explanation as to WHY?!

You never did tell me why you couldn’t have a relationship with me. But I have asked other first mothers, and I’ve done research to try to understand. Some say you weren’t rejecting me, but you were rejecting the pain of relinquishment. Looking at the big picture, I know you were an alcoholic and at your funeral people told me they never saw you without a drink in your hand, even during your pregnancies. I believe alcohol took away your pain from relinquishment, as a temporary fix. I believe you never recovered from the shame you felt from being pregnant with me. I asked you who my birth father was, and you lied to me telling me he was dead, he didn’t know about me and he wouldn’t want too. Well… You were right about him not knowing about me and him not wanting to, but he wasn’t dead. Your lie stalled me from finding and knowing my biological brother by over 20 years. If you would have told me the truth, I would have seen my nieces be born. I wouldn’t have missed so many holidays away from MY family! You keeping me a secret from everyone, so you wouldn’t have to face the fact that you had an affair with a married man who was a friend of the family. Shame on you for your actions, but I believe you thought you were doing the right thing. I believe you thought I would have a better life, keeping my truth hidden, and pretending like I never was born, like your mistake never happened.

Well let me just tell you, I can’t judge you for your actions because if I’m honest I’m no different than you.  We all make mistakes. But I’m at a place seeking healing for my life. I’m seeking clarity, and understanding from all around the board regarding how I came into this world, and where I came from. You pretending I didn’t exist only harmed me even more than being separated from you at the beginning of life. I know in the 70’s things were different. But I needed to know my truth. I needed to know where I came from, and you kept the truth from me to protect yourself from your shame filled actions. Do you know that in order to heal, I needed my truth?

When you died, and I sat at your funeral I wasn’t listed in your obituary. Do you have any idea how much pain that caused me? I really don’t think you care, because you died a hurting woman. After asking to go visit your house, so I could see how you lived, and what your house looked like I gained some closure and a better understanding of what your last days on earth were like. I was told you shut everyone out, even your other daughter. You shut your friends out, even neighbors who came to check on you. Your house was filthy, and dust was an inch thick and it looked like everything in your house was from a scene from a 1970’s movie, which was when I was relinquished. I got the most eerie feeling when I was there. I truly believe your life never was happy after you relinquished me. Nothing changed. It was dark in your house. The drapes and couch were very dark, and a pattern from the 70’s and you died in 2010. I went upstairs to see your room, and again everything was like a scene from the 70’s. Being able to see this brought me some understanding that you indeed were a hurting woman. You died all alone, an alcoholic and with COPD as a long time smoker. It hurt my heart that you would rather die that way, than have me in your life… But it also tells me that’s how great your pain was. It was greater than you feeling like you could allow me in your life. It has made me sad for you.

I know you didn’t know Jesus, even when they mentioned him at your funeral. I know if I grew up in your home, I wouldn’t know Jesus either. That is the only reason I can say I’m thankful I was given up for adoption. I need to be real about that.. That’s a pretty important reason! I wish I could have lead you to the lord, so I would know you were in heaven but unfortunately that didn’t happen.  I think of you and I think of a sad, bitter, angry hurting woman. I think of someone that didn’t have any tools to heal her hurt, and I think of someone that died an alcoholic. The way you were inspired me to be better than that. I didn’t want to die an alcoholic and all alone. I wanted to be a happy healthy mom, for my kids and my future grandkids. I don’t want to be anything like you.

August 12, 2012 I quit drinking. After I found out you were an alcoholic, and then I found my birth father and he was an alcoholic I knew drinking wasn’t for me. I was upset at you for many years for lying to me about my birth father. I’m thankful your sister gave me his information 2 months before she passed away. If she wouldn’t have I never would have found my brother.  I drive to Jimmie’s door (my birth fathers) and he remembered you. He acknowledged the affair you all had in 1973, while he was married to Charlotte. He expressed never knowing you were pregnant or anything about you having me and giving me up for adoption. Do you realize you stole his rights at being a father? I’m his only daughter, and because he didn’t know anything about me he won’t accept me as his daughter! This has made me very angry over the years. Who do you think you are to play with people’s lives like this? Everyone on the planet deserves to know where they come from. It was so not fair for you to lie to him, and keep the pregnancy a secret to protect yourself from your irresponsible actions being exposed. You thought about yourself, not me.  You will never know how that has impacted me in my life. Never knowing who I look like or where I come from has been very traumatic for me and it’s been an entire lifetime. No one has ever understood my pain until I have recently connected with hundreds of adoptees who get it. I have always wished you choose abortion, and if anyone walked in my shoes even one day, they might wish the same thing. I’m working on being thankful for my life, but it’s really hard when you are brought into the world under such shame and secrecy, and the WORLD just expects you to be thankful for losing an entire family.

All I ever wanted was you. I didn’t want anything of material value, only you. I wanted to sit and talk to you and get to know you. I wanted to see what things you liked, and to spend time with you. I hear other people talk about their mothers, and the memories they have with them before they pass away and I get resentful because at least they have the memories. Then I hear people talk of the heirlooms they are passed from their mothers, grandmothers, etc. I get resentful because I wonder if they really valued those things. Being adopted you are robbed of all that. I could care less about the heirlooms; it’s the lost time and memories I have an extremely hard time with.  I was robbed of the memoires, and there is nothing on this earth I can do to get them back. If only everyone knew how valuable a memory was, they might be more thankful for them.

I’m sorry you died all alone. If you would have let me in your life, I would have taken care of you. This hurt my heart deeply that you would rather die all alone, than have me in your life. For years I felt like I did something wrong, but I learned later that your shame is why you turned me away. When my adoptive parents divorced when I was one, and you found out about it after we met I was told by your best friend that it devastated you and you were extremely upset because if that was going to happen, you would have raised me in a single parent household like my adoptive mother did. I am sure that hurt you, because you were promised I would have a better life. I remember after you found this out, you never spoke to me again. I guess it might have hurt you that bad? When you asked about my life growing up, and how it was I was honest with you. I told you the truth and I believe it was hard for you to grasp. I think it was easier for you to shut me out, than to face the fact that the BETTER LIFE you were promised wasn’t better at all. Only different. I think this broke your heart, and it was easier for you to close the door on us ever having a relationship, and continue to drink alcohol to numb your pain, (oh boy do I know all about that!) and continue on with your life like I never existed.

You see, I can honestly say I can understand that the pain was too great for you. But I will never understand how a mother rejects their own child. I dreamed of knowing you my entire life. They lied to me and told me you LOVED ME SO MUCH! That was a lie. You didn’t love me. You wanted to forget all about me. You never wanted a relationship with me. Not all mothers love their babies, and that is the TRUTH! I hear people (especially adoptive parents) speak for birth mothers all the time, “She loved you so much, her decision was such a selfless decision, and she always has you in her heart!”… NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE CAN SPEAK FOR ALL BIRTH MOTHERS! NOT ALL BIRTH MOTHERS LOVED THEIR BABIES! This was the lie that I believed my whole life, and that LIE caused me the most heartache ever. Her actions showed me the truth. I will never forget the lies in adoption. Such deception and manipulation and all for a family to be able to have a happy healthy baby with a clean slate. All at the cost of every single memory I would have had with my biological family. You see, why am I so mad the memories are gone when reality is YOU didn’t want me in your life anyway? Its heartbreak either way for me.

The reality is I never could accept anything when I didn’t know my truth. It took me 20+ years to find my truth, and I had to do it all on my own with no help and no support. Every single milestone of reunion I embraced solo, and every heartache I kept to myself. The reunion navigation is a VERY EMOTIONAL TIME. I’m still sending messages to “BIO” family members only for them to ignore me, and reject me because they had no idea I existed. I’m still facing rejection after all these years.

What this experience has left me is the fact that even when you didn’t plan me, I believe with my whole heart God did. I’m still trying to figure out WHY? And certain times when I’m at my low points, I get angry with God because if he knew I was going to be in this much pain, WHY AM I EVEN HERE? Then I remember, adoption of the world today isn’t the ADOPTION GOD SPOKE ABOUT IN THE BIBLE. MY PAIN IS FROM THE SECRETS AND LIES IN ADOPTION AND I KNOW SECRETS AND LIES AREN’T FROM GOD. GOD IS A GOD OF TRUTH SO I KNOW IT’S NOT HIS FAULT. IT’S THOSE WHO SUPPORT THE SECRETS AND LIES IN ADOPTIONS FAULT. Anytime a human beings identity is falsified, and names are changed, and birth certificates are changed, and a new born baby or a child is considered a blank slate, then deception kicks in and it’s nothing close to adoption as God intended it. I will never believe God intended for my heart to be broken my entire life, wondering and searching for my people! I have found everyone but the WORLD (Closed adoption Industry) still refuses to give me my original birth certificate.

So you see birth mother, you are long gone but the realities of my adoption experience impact my life in every way imaginable. I wish it was over that day you walked out of the hospital and forgot all about me. But the truth is, it’s stayed with me throughout my entire life.

Let me tell you I have done everything in my power to heal from this experience. I stopped drinking  August 12, 2012. So the pain was flooding in, the realities and the FOG lifted and my TRUTH became more real than ever. This was my first step in recovering from my adoption experience. Alcohol or drugs doesn’t do ANYTHING but prolong our healing and distort the truth. Now that I see my truth CLEARLY I can accept it, and move forward with healing. I started writing and sharing my adoptee feelings in 2011, before I ever stopped drinking. I was writing from a place of anger, and really deep hurt so my writing was very angry. Over the last 3 years, I’ve started a ministry called Celebrate Recovery, where I have been able to put every single issue I have out on the table and one of the main things I prayed for was GRACE. I needed God’s grace, to come into my life so my anger could turn to something positive. God has given me that grace.

I am working on healing the way I feel about my dreaded birthday. Today is August 9, 2015. I will be 41 in a few days, and I really want to just be at a peaceful place with this day but all I think about is the loss associated with that day. The loss no one recognizes unless they are adopted.

I’ve been working hard at accepting that no matter how I came into this world, God was the ultimate planner of me being here. I WANT TO ACCEPT I’M HERE BECAUSE HE HAS A PLAN AND PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. If I’m honest, my blog and being able to reach out to other adoptees is enough for me. My fellow adoptees make all my adoptee pain worth it. My kids give me a reason to be here, so I am trying to trust and believe God has a plan for my life.

Writing you has helped me release some things I needed you to know. I’ve written for years and I’ve written you 2 letters in the past, and they were both very emotional for me. This one not so much. I believe I’m accepting things for what they are. But the last part I need to share is that GOD has been my ultimate healer regarding my adoption experience. That doesn’t mean I will ever STOP SHARING MY PAIN! We all deserve to be heard, and just because I have the most hurt I have ever experienced from being adopted, and I’m working through my pain doesn’t mean I won’t continue to share my feelings. Do you realize I have never been able to release these feelings until recently? That’s 41 years of feeling the way society expected me to feel and it’s sure known in adoption that if you don’t have a “Happy Bubbly” story it’s just not welcome, or you are being negative, or better yet, “You just had a bad adoption experience!” Yeah I would say anytime a child is separated from their ROOTS & DNA it calls for a “bad experience” especially when the WORLD won’t allow us to grieve our loss. They make us feel like something is wrong with US for feeling the way we do. It’s a total and complete mind f–k to be adopted. I’m so serious about this!

I have figured out why this “Mother Wound” has been so extra deep for me. Mainly because of you handing me over to strangers to be raised. And the stranger you passed me to wasn’t capable of being a mother. I really have never had a mother. I was too busy taking care of “her”, and it scared me for life. But it’s easier to accept God as my heavenly father, and he takes the place of my earthly father. I can accept this. But I will say my adoptive dad was an amazing man. He was always great to me, so my “Father Wound” was never as big as my “Mother Wound”. It’s hard for me to replace my “Mother Wound” with God for some reason. I believe a mother sets the foundations for bonding and trust and so many other areas, and without a mother or with the mother bond being destroyed, as a person we miss so much. I’ve been left to figure it out alone and I think I do pretty well considering I didn’t have the mother I deserve. I have prayed about becoming a better mother to my kids than what I had, and I know I haven’t been perfect but I know I have tried my best with all I know how. It has been hard considering I never had a mother example or closeness with a mother ever in my life. It makes me sad. There is no one to go to or talk to like I should be able to. I’m turning to God more and more, but nothing in the world can replace our mother. I just wish you understood that before you decided to give me up.

So now, I have written you and told you how I feel. Your decision has impacted me every single day of my life, and I want you to know I’m working towards healing. I’ve accepted what I can’t change, and God has healed my broken heart. The thing I’m working on now is this “birth” day and the dark sadness that comes with that day. Let’s face it; the day I was born was not a happy day. I can think it was happy for you, because you got rid of your problem, but I know deep down you had to be sad that day.  It’s a major day of loss and sadness for me.  I look forward to the day I can be free from the sadness. I believe it will always be to an extent, but I have FAITH AND BELIEVE that the closer I get with God, the more he will heal all areas of my life. I know that no area is off limits when it comes to him & this is where I get my hope from.

I have always loved you, even when you didn’t love me. I would have given anything for a relationship with you, but now I will embrace my spiritual mothers God has put in my life. They don’t kick me to the curb or throw me away like you did. I refuse to believe there is something wrong with me, because God loves me just as I am, not as I should be. Too bad you couldn’t do the same. Your loss.

Signing Off,

Pamela,

<3The Daughter You Threw Away, But God Rescued Me & I’m Here To Stay.

p.s. I chose the term “Birth Mother” because she never gave me more than being the woman that gave birth to me. If we would have had a relationship, I might have chosen something different. First Mother, or Biological Mother, etc. To each his own on how we refer to the women that gave us life. I would love to just call her “Mother”. But she rejected that so “Birth Mother” it is…

Fear of the Unknown & Random Adoptee Feelings

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

I decided to write today because I have a lot coming up and a lot on my mind. This is my safe place, so here I am. No one can tell me how to feel here, and no one can interrupt me. No one can silence me by throwing scriptures at me. It’s a great feeling to have this safe place! All adoptees need a safe place!

My “Birth” day is in 6 days. My Sobriety “Birth” day is in 5 days. My Testimony at Celebrate Recovery is in 13 days. My mind is racing and the devil is doing a number on me because he doesn’t want to see me make it to my 3 year sobriety. He doesn’t want me to make it to give my testimony, and he loves to see me in total sadness about my “birth” day.  It’s just ridiculous but I do have hope that if God can heal my broken heart he can heal the way I feel about my birthday! I’m just not there yet!

I still have to write about how God healed my broken heart from my adoption experience, and what the tools were that worked from me. I am going to write about it soon! I promise. It’s good stuff!

What I am realizing that there is more to it, than just my broken heart. I have always struggled with my birthday. I know my fellow adoptees get it. Putting on a smile for the world, when the deep pain and sadness has to be hidden to make other’s feel comfortable. I’ve decided I’m going to try to do something nice for myself each day until it passes. Like go buy a slurpie from the gas station, and take a ride with the sunroof open. Or go for a walk by myself. Go to a few yard sales, or shop at Goodwill. (yes I said it. I am frugal, I’m not ashamed!) Maybe even go to a few coffee shops, or for a walk in a park. Whatever makes me feel better about the day I lost everything.

If you are an adoptee and you struggle with your birthday please leave me a comment, so non adoptees don’t think I’m crazy or just being negative please?

Honestly, why do I even care about what others think? I thought I was going to stop doing that! I guess I’ve been so conditioned to “feel” a certain way about being adopted, that when I share my TRUTH it still seems surreal to be able to do it, not just with my fellow adoptees but with everyone.  I’m working hard at not caring what others think, and just share my truth.

My truth is as soon as August approaches I start to get really sad, down and disconnected with everything around me. My birthday is a very painful day for me, so are the weeks that approach it. If I could just “get over it” I would. Don’t you think I would rather be happy on that day? Do you think if I could just make that choice, I would? I feel like there is some unfinished business of healing in that area that I need to do, because usually that’s why we stay in pain. Unfinished deep healing of wounds from our past. I know God heals and I know he will heal me also! I look forward to the day where I can write as I CELEBRATE the DAY I WAS BORN!

What I think of during the days that lead to my birthday is what my birth mother went through at that time. How she felt. What happened the day I was born? Was she sad that day? Was she happy to get it over with and move on with her life? Did she ever hold me? Did she name me? What was the atmosphere in the room like that day? Was she at peace with her decision? As my mind races with these thoughts, it consumes my mind August 1st-Aug 13th. By August 14th I’m better, and I don’t think much about that day for 11 more months. It’s definitely a cycle, because it’s done this every year my entire life. I used to drink, and of course that numbed the reality of the pain I was facing. Soon I will reach 3 years sobriety, and the pain has never been more real.

I like to think of adoptees as “Special Needs”. I can speak for myself on that, because I am definitely a special needs person. Working through my 2nd step study in Celebrate Recovery I’ve discovered more deep rooted issues regarding my adoption experience. The fact that anything in the “UNKNOWN” realm is something I don’t take well AT ALL!!!  UNKNOWN is uncertainty, and I have lived almost all of my years on this earth not knowing what is going on about MY LIFE!!!! PEOPLE chose for me, and NOW that I’m able to choose for myself I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. AT ALL TIMES. I have to plan everything to a tee, and if I don’t I get fearful and it’s not a good place for me to be. This is all rooted in fear, and I know where it comes from. I know hundreds of adoptees who have the same issues.  So when I plan it leads to confirmation, of what’s next. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen. I know where I’m going and when I need to be there. I’m on schedule, I’m on task, I’m not late, and I know where I need to be at all times.

What does the UNKNOWN feel like? What does UNCERTANTY feel like? Well it takes me back to my childhood when I felt like I was an alien on this planet, not knowing where to turn or where to go. It takes me to searching for my biological family everywhere I went but never knowing who they were or where they were. It takes me to the lies people told me to benefit themselves. There are lots of lies and secrets in this adoption thing, and that is certain. The UNKNOWN takes me to a state of fear I don’t want to be in.

I took a trip this past week. I realized it was going to be harder than expected because I had to release ALL CONTROL to God and everything about the trip was uncertain, and unknown. I took it as a challenge, for me to be able to take this trip, and I tried to look at it as a way for me to get closer to God, and for me to release my control to him and just know that he was going to take care of everything. It was very difficult for me to do this. I know this isn’t only a struggle for adoptees, but for people in general. But I speak from an adoptees standpoint. It was extremely difficult but I made it! Adapting to my surroundings and nothing was familiar surrounded me with everything being uncertain, or unknown.  IT WAS HARD!

I’m a very simple person. I don’t need fancy things to make me happy. I’m not into material things. I love simplicity. I love nature, being outside, the sun rises and the sunsets & the sky. I could be as happy in an efficiency apartment as I would be in a huge 5 bedroom house filled with material things. Things don’t float my boat. I’m more of a time person, because in this adoption thing so much time has been lost, never to return. Time spent and memories made and pictures to prove it are things I hold close to my heart.

As I venture through the next 2 weeks of my life, and overcome the challenges that come my way (as they always do in August) I’m very sensitive with people leaving me at this particular time. I say “Leaving Me”, yet they might just be going away for a few days. With my birth mother “Leaving Me” at this time 41 years ago, I find people leaving a trigger, so I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from everyone I can. I’m safer that way.  It would be nice if someone understood this, but so far the only people that get it are my fellow adoptees, and God. I know he gets it. I know this is another part of my “Special Needs”.  I can’t expect anyone to really understand, unless they have been through it.

As for celebrating my sobriety “birth “day which falls the day before my legal birthday it’s pretty difficult for me. The birthday pain overpowers the joy of the sobriety birthday and I’m holding onto hope that this will change. I WISH I COULD ERASE THE DAY I WAS BORN. To me, this seems like it would solve everything.. But I can’t. I know in my heart of hearts, God planned me to be here so I’m here. I’m stuck. I can’t go back unless he says it’s my time. I can’t wait for that time by the way, no more adoptee pain.

For now, I will share my feelings here, and let all the other adoptees know that healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Using alcohol to numb my pain for 25+ years only delayed my healing. In order to truly heal, I had to fight kicking and screaming to gain my TRUTH (it’s hard when the world is lying to you!) and once that happened, I decided alcohol wasn’t going to help me heal so I had to make the choice to let it go. But you see finding my TRUTH I found out both my birth parents were alcoholics, and this was a major eye opener for me to want to make the change for myself and for my kids. It was the best decision I ever made, BUT dealing with the aftermath of lies, secrets, and trauma that is ignored in adoption it’s taken me years to get to a point where I can share my feelings, and not be scared of what people will think.

If my blog can help one adoptee, it’s worth it. Writing is healing to me. Sharing my feelings is healing to me. Knowing other adoptees understand and I’m not alone is healing to me. If you have made it this far, thanks for being a part of my “Adoptee In Recovery” journey!

Next: I’m going to write a letter to my birth mother. I want to let her know a few things, and to share what’s on my heart a week before my birthday. I will share it in my next blog post. Ta Ta for now.

To my fellow adoptees, never give up HOPE in finding your TRUTH!!!! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee

@freesimplyme

http://www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s (and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then?  Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed.  My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain.  Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed.  Sharing is healing.

ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!

Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!

Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain.  This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share.  Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. (Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society.  My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life. 

No one tells me how I should feel here.

They have told me how to feel my entire life.

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so.  I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay.  Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil.  Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited

 

Lexington, KY

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Pamela Karanova: Welcoming the REAL TRUE ME!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova11 Comments

I’m coming out of the anonymous ADOPTEE CLOSET!

Yesterday was a BIG day for me!

For those that don’t know, I’ve always blogged under an Alias. My reason is because I have never wanted to hurt my adoptive family, or biological family’s feelings by sharing my truth.

Let’s just face the facts. Growing up in a closed adoption is everything  but normal!

I’ve been working through my second step study in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I’m very involved in. Through this ministry God has moved mountains in my life! I’ve been able to work through some deep rooted things I thought I was going to take to my grave. But God had other plans for me. I don’t know what I would do without my step study sisters! They are amazing and they have helped me so much.

By working through these “things” I’ve been given a new confidence about myself. I’ve been given more of God’s grace to work through my issues. I’ve been able to feel strong enough that I don’t have to hide behind an alias anymore. This is a PRETTY FREEING FEELING!

Ever since I’ve been sharing my adoptee feelings, I’ve basically been living a double life. “Pamela Jones” was the adult adoptee, hurt, broken, angry, and very wounded from her adoptee experience. Pamela is my adoptive first name. Jones was the “Pen Name” I chose. I picked Jones because it was my biological father’s last name. His rights were stolen in the 70’s and my birth mother signed me over, without his consent. I have always had a strong disliking for my adoptive last name, it just never fit me. It actually despised it. It linked me to a whole lot of pain growing up. As I chose “Jones” to write under, it had a nice ring to it. It was my TRUE last name, but there is one problem. My birth father never accepted me as his so why would I really want his last name? It worked for 3 years. I hid behind it for 3 years. I made a lot of adult adoptee friends behind “Pamela Jones”, hundreds to be exact. I created an anonymous online name for myself, and it was a way of protecting my true self from those who might not agree with me. It was a way to hide behind my TRUTH. I had many adoptive and biological parents lash out at me for creating “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” so the “Pen Name” protected me from a lot of things. The most important to me, it protected my adoptive parents, specifically my adoptive dad whom I adore from every finding out how I truly feel. I have never wanted to break his heart.

I woke up a few days ago, realizing that if I desire TRUTH in adoption for all adoptees, I owe myself, my fellow adoptees, and the WORLD to know who I truly am! No more hiding. No more secrets. No more being scared of what those close to me will think. This has been a huge decision for me. But without God and his grace, I never would have been able to make this decision. His Grace, has brought a whole new perspective to my life. I believe Pamela Jones was there for me to process my anger, rage, and really deep raw feelings. I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT because you CAN’T HEAL unless you do. I don’t want to erase Pamela Jones. She was part of my life. She helped me get through some really deep dark times. All you have to do is look over the last 3 years of blog posts. You will read heartache after heartache in my writings. But if I could tell my fellow adoptees one thing, it’s going THROUGH the pain, CAN AND WILL bring you freedom. But we have to go through the pain.

As I write to my blog readers and the world today, I’m here to share my REAL TRUE identity. I’m here to tell you where I REALLY live. I’m here to invite you all to join me in the next level of my adoptee healing, and recovery journey. The one to FREEDOM. One of my favorite quotes is:

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!”.

WOW WOW WOW! To all my fellow adoptees reading this, WE MADE IT! WE SURVIVED! How amazing is that in itself!

My true identity is “Pamela Karanova”. On my 40th Birthday I made the decision to legally change my last name. The name I was given at birth- I hated it! It was nothing personal against the family who gave me the name but it never fit me. It tied me to the city and town I grew up in, where I have so many bad memories. I just didn’t want the name anymore. So I prayed and asked God to help me come up with a new last name. I wanted it to be unique and pretty, just for me!

He gave me the verses, Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”

The word “PURE” stood out.

Then he gave me the verse. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!”

The word “NEW” stood out.

I looked up the meanings to “Pure” & “New” and “K A R A N O V A “ was born!

I wanted to make sure no one else had the name, or it wasn’t common so I Googled it, and didn’t find much at all aside from “Kara Nova” who happens to be a “Pole Dancer”. LOL

This change and the new name has a very BIG significant meaning to me. Not only in my adoptee world and journey, but in my Christian journey as well. Today I’m not the person I used to be. God has recreated me to be the person HE intends for me to be and I believe the new name is a symbol of the NEW ME.

My fellow adoptees can relate to the name change in the adoptee aspect. I feel so much was taken and stolen, lost never to be found again. PEOPLE made this choice for me. They erased my history! I had no choice! They gave me a new “fake” name & a new “fake” birth certificate! PEOPLE of the world have even tried to control how I feel about it, “JUST BE THANKFUL” using the WORD as a weapon to silence me from sharing my feelings. Sorry, but Christians are the worst! (Yes, I’m a Christian!) God has given me the grace to be able to use the WORD right back at them! Praise HIM!

The old me couldn’t have a conversation about adoption without getting angry, and wanting to scream or cry or throw something. Because people just don’t seem to “Get It” unless they are adopted. My fellow adoptees, my saving graces have taught me to stand up for myself, and God has taught me to do it with his grace. This has allowed me to feel like I’m in a confident place to be able to do this on my own, without hiding behind a “PEN NAME!”

So here I am. WAVING HELLO to the world! Sharing not only my real true feelings, but the REAL TRUE ME! So long to Pamela Jones. So long Pamela (____)

HELLO PAMELA KARANOVA!

From now on I will use my real name in my online adoptee world. I will sign my blog posts with my real information. I want all adoptees all over the world to reach out to me because only WE know HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED!

I have had to understand, that the WORLD has no idea how we feel or what we go through being adopted, and all the heartache that goes along with it. But my fellow adoptees get it. We have to be there to lift one another up, in times of crisis, and when we reach our all time lows, and they do come!

As for the few adoptive or biological family I am in fear of offending, I’m sorry in advance. If you find my blog, you find my true feelings. The feelings I’ve had to hide my entire life. One thing I can say is they are real. Living a lie wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t talked about in the 1970’s, but it’s talked about now. I think of the small handful of you all that might get offended compared to the HUNDREDS of adoptees I am in contact with that I have relationships with, and I KNOW I can help them by sharing they aren’t alone. Sorry, but my fellow adoptees are the reason God put me on earth. To help them break out of a lifetime of silence, and provide them with one person who GETS IT, who UNDERSTANDS, who LOVES THEM and doesn’t judge them anyway. While I navigate this journey in breaking out of hiding behind a pen name, I will be praying you all understand why I’ve had to do this. If I don’t do this, I have no purpose on this earth. That’s truly how I feel. I can’t worry about how other people respond to my decision, family or not. This is what God has called me to do, and I am going to spend the rest of my life reaching out to my fellow adoptees and sharing with them what God has done in my life, because he can do the same for them.

Living this double life has been painful. It started the moment I was forced to make a split between the REAL me, when I was born, and the NEW ME, when my adoptive parents erased the REAL ME, and falsified everything. As I’ve grown up into a woman who can chose for myself I’ve grown into the person God intended for me to be. It’s neither of the people from my past. So I’m no longer going to live the double life. I was forced to growing up, and have always felt like I had to protect others in my adoptive and biological families, but today I am living for God, and for myself, and my kids, and my fellow adoptees. No more double life.

I’m no longer hiding! Yay!

Signing off as PAMELA KARANOVA, Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

You can reach me at: pamelakaranova@gmail.com ßFellow Adoptees, add me to your Facebook by this email!

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing.  When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

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This picture speaks to me…

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself.  My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas.  God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?

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This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

@pamelakaranova

www.adopteeinrecovery.com

Away, but still processing…

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

I haven’t written in awhile…

My adoptee emotions have still been going crazy, and I really am doing everything just to make it through another day. No one gets it, no one understands but my fellow adoptees. Many of us share some feelings and it takes everything in us to just make it through it. I find myself retreating away from this “world” because it’s so much to handle on top of LIFE itself.

I’m a Christian, and I live every day trying to be more like Jesus. I’m by far not perfect and I have many flaws! I spend my spare time watching Todd White videos. I LOVE TODD WHITE! If you aren’t familiar you should look him up on YouTube. He’s amazing! I want to learn from him. I have a reading disorder and it’s super hard for me to remember what I read, and retain it (TODD HAS THE SAME THING!) but when I watch or listen to audio it’s easier for me. Todd has a way with words, straight to the point so I listen to him as a way to gain hope and understanding of LIFE & what it’s like to walk like Jesus.

I had a melt down about a week ago. It was actually in front of 2 of my kids. I had a small piece written about me that was uploaded at adoption.com and even when it was a GOOD THING it sent me into some emotional havoc that I wasn’t expecting. Let me share the link to the article. Then I will share my feelings associated with WHY I had a light weight melt down.

http://adoption.com/adoptee-recovery/

Going my entire life hiding my TRUE feelings to protect those around me, and well…. I was simply groomed that my heartache didn’t matter, but being thankful was in order for losing my first family. So for me to be at a place in life where a journalist was willing to invest in me, and write something on my behalf, and share it with the world.. IT’S A PRETTY BIG DEAL! Yes, it’s small… But it’s all about me. I believe this to be one of the most awesome things I’ve experienced since I’ve come out of the fog regarding my adoption journey.

You may ask, “Why would this be so emotional?”. Do you realize that I had to keep this a secret, hidden from my adoptive parents? Of course my biological parents aren’t in my life but I was deeply saddened that something so close to my heart had to be kept secret for fear of hurting their feelings! Being adopted, we are born into a situation where we are put in the middle, worrying about everyone elses feelings and never being able to share our own. FINALLY I’m able to share my feelings, and they are recognized by a major adoption website, yet I can’t share it with my “Parents”.

I wonder if they saw it how they would feel? I wonder if they would make it about them and their feelings? Would their feelings be hurt? Would they be even a little happy for me? Would they be upset with me?

The truth is, I will never know because I have to keep this “world” private from them. Just because I’m adopted I’m automatically placed into a situation where I’m torn in the middle. Torn in the middle of what? My adoptive family, my biological family & my true self. I wish I could say I fit in with everyone but the best place I feel like I fit in is with my “Family of Choice” , my children & with my newly found biological brother and his family, and of course by myself. What is my Family of Choice? My church family. You have no idea how special they are to me. They’ve bridged the gap between me feeling like I’m all alone on an island & feeling like I belong somewhere. Every day I thank God for what I have, but that doesn’t change what was lost.

I find that retreating away from this “world” gives me time to breathe and process things. I’ve learned to find that balance between this world, and my real world. Isn’t it crazy how we have to live a double life? WOW! It just amazes me sometimes. Shush… We have to keep our feelings a secret for fear of hurting others! Every day I wake up I’m thankful for my truth, as hard as it was to learn it. As disappointed as I was to learn that all I was told my whole life was a lie, and my birth parents really didn’t love me at least now I know the truth. They never did love me. Now, I have trust issues based on being lied to, and It’s next to impossible for me to believe anyone loves me. Thank GOD I’m in Celebrate Recovery working on my issues because I know God has more planned for me in my time on earth!

I know the more I share, the more I speak, the more I’m inspiring someone else to do the same. Writing is SO HEALING for me. I want to start writing more regarding my LIFE in general, in regards to my recovery, and my kids, family and such and tie it in with my adoptee journey. Most of you read and notice there is so much hurt here, but it’s necessary for me to identify the hurt, in order to move forward to heal. Healing is my goal, and I trust GOD so I believe I’m right where I need to be.

Being adopted isn’t for sissies and being in recovery isn’t for sissies. This makes me one strong cookie!!!! (POW)

I love you ALL and thanks for reading my blog!

More to come later! Time to prep for snow storm #2!

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted