In Adoption There is No Healing from Half Truths

I always pray about what I write about before I write it.

I say, “God, what would you like me to write about today?” Usually he highlights something clear as day and lately the highlight has been:

“TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH”

IMG_20160210_073232

It’s simple

1/2 Truth + 1/2 Truth = A WHOLE LIE!

When we are given HALF TRUTHS about where we come from we are ONLY able to HALF WAY HEAL. When we are given HALF TRUTHS we are only able to HALF WAY FEEL WHOLE. We are only able to feel like HALF a human being. We feel LESS THAN because our TRUTH is being kept hidden from us. When we are denied our basic human birth rights, and those close to us SUPPORT that it HURTS US.

Do they not understand that we can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there? Do they not understand that until we receive our entire TRUTH we can NOT fully heal? We can NOT heal from half truths, secrets, shame and lies.

I can NOT even give half truths, secrets, shame and lies over to GOD because I don’t know what I am giving him!! I can’t say, “Hey God, here is a lie I am giving you today, I don’t know what that lie is or what I’m going to ask for healing for but God here’s the lie!” Yet so many of us are put in positions where the WORLD acts like it’s so simple that we should just be able to heal from lies, secrets and half truths and because we are not releasing these things to God we are making the CHOICE to be STUCK in this spot.

Well let me tell you that healing is IMPOSSIBLE unless we know our TRUTH! 

My God is a God of TRUTH. We need our entire truth so we are able to move towards healing. I’m still fighting for my truth. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for adoptive parents, birth parent and all of society that supports adoption to understand that we have a right to know ALL OF OUR HISTORY. We have a right to know ALL OF OUR ANSWERS our heart desires as to how we came into this world.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO ALL THE KNOWLEDGE REGARDING OUR MEDICAL HISTORY, ANCESTRY, HERITAGE, GENETICS, FAMILY SURNAMES, PHOTOS OF OUR BLOOD RELATIVES, A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THEM, OUR SIBLINGS, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS, OUR FAMILY TREES. The list could go on and on, I think you get my point.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way,  the TRUTH, and the Life. No one comes through the Father except through me.”  – John 14:6

If Jesus is the TRUTH, and he is the way and the life, I can only believe that he stands for TRUTH. This lying, deception, manipulation, half truths and secrecy in adoption is NOT from GOD.

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN.

So why are adoptive parents, birth parents, and all who are involved with adoption supporting secrecy and lies? Why are the adoption agencies not telling the adoptive parents the TRUTH about the lifelong impacts and deep trauma adoptees face for their entire lives? Why are the adoption agencies ignoring the facts that the adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees?  Why are the adoption agencies not providing adult adoptees with resources on how to handle the trauma involved with being adopted?  

One word sums it up clear.

PROFIT

When I think of the word “Truth” I like to examine the pages of God’s word- The Holy Bible. This has helped me learn the truth of any subject of importance or significance. If you ask yourself what is “Truth” and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT) 

WOW!

Knowing the truth is wonderful, but it is not enough! God expects us to act on the truth as He helps us learn it. More important than knowing the truth is living the truth—walking in truth. God already knows if we are walking in truth to the best of our ability! He knows EVERYTHING!

i-saw-that-god-sign-design-600x434

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth.He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13

“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2

So my question is, for all those who might be reading who are involved in adoption, a part of the adoption equation or the adoption industry, for adoptive parents and biological parents:

ARE YOU WALKING IN TRUTH IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE REGARDING YOUR ADOPTION EXPERIENCE? 

Are you hiding the TRUTH in anyway and operating on HALF-TRUTHS? 

I can not and will not support the secrecy and lies in adoption today. None of them!  I urge anyone that is impacted by adoption to please pray about it and get alone with God. Ask him to search your heart and give you the courage to come clean in all areas of your life, not just the adoption equation. SECRECY & LIES IN ADOPTION STALLS OUR HEALING. THE ADOPTEE SUICIDE RATE IS 4X MORE LIKELY THAN NON-ADOPTEES FOR MANY REASONS. THIS IS ONE OF THEM. We have to fight the world for our truth, and spend most of our lives trying to figure this mess out on our own, because we have no resources. THIS HURTS!

GOD HEALS! 

But I can assure you from living with experience it is impossible to heal a wound by denying it’s there and by half truths and secrecy and lies.

WE NEED THE ENTIRE TRUTH TO BE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE FORWARD AND ASK GOD TO COME INTO OUR LIVES IT HEAL IT.

Please think twice before you keep secrets from adoptees, hid our history and feed us with half truths, secrets and lies. Please think twice before you participate in activities that keep secrets and hide our histories from us. When you participate in this YOU are only participating in prolonging our healing.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH. WE ALL DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO HEAL. 

mystory

2016-01-10 18.04.25

Delivering the DNA Results with Grace

 

hope

Wow, hard to believe this is the next hurdle I will be experiencing.

It’s very emotional but I know God is with me!

It’s nerve wrecking considering what I have already experienced with my biological father and this adoptee journey!

The greatest part is that I have a new found cousin who I have connected with via DNA who is not only AMAZING but she is SO SUPPORTIVE of me through this journey. She seems to “Get it” and no one really gets it unless they are adopted, and she’s not adopted! I can’t help but KNOW God planted her in my life at the perfect time because I know I couldn’t do this alone. Thank you God for LINDA! Thank you LINDA for your help, support and new found friendship!  This is a really emotional journey for me as I know my fellow adoptees can relate.

So the story goes as I’m sure you read my last blog post. My birth father has always said, “What are we going to do, get a blood test 40 years later?” He knew nothing about me, lies and secrets prevented him from knowing so I don’t blame him for being skeptical all these years.

My new found cousin, Linda has showed me the ropes on all this. I have gotten a DNA test and it has linked me to his DNA and family line. He hasn’t had a DNA test done, but my DNA test has made DNA connections via 23andMe to his mother’s line, who is my biological grandmother. I don’t need HIS DNA to be linked to HIS DNA LINE. That’s the cool thing about DNA. There are so many ways to trace and confirm. There is no way I would share DNA with my distant cousin where our connection is our grandmothers are sisters, if J.J. (birth father) wasn’t my father. It wouldn’t be possible.

HE IS MY BIRTH FATHER

But he doesn’t know I am confirmed his daughter via DNA

Just YET…

whos_your_daddy_truck

My new found cousin suggested I contact the local Catholic Priest to see if he will collaborate a “meeting” with J.J. and his wife to present the DNA results. Yes, they are catholic. The last time I spoke to my birth fathers wife, she mentioned them wanting to get back involved in the Catholic Church and she wondered if I knew the dates J.J. was married to his previous wives. I shared with her I would try to obtain that information to help her out. So this has let me know they are Catholic and reaching out to the local Catholic Priest seems to be the best idea so far. Thank you again, Linda!

GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!

With HIM all things are possible.

I know there are people out there that might be saying, “Why would she go through all this heartache. Why can’t she just accept it and walk away?” Let me share that until you have walked in my shoes or another adoptees for that matter you really have no idea what loss, grief and trauma is involved in this journey. I can share there is nothing that can be done to me that hasn’t already been done. I have already been rejected by this man, but if there is a little chance that DNA will make a difference than I am willing to take that chance. You see, being adopted we are constantly putting ourselves out there all for a chance to be loved, accepted and for a chance at a relationship with those who were STOLEN from us. My adoption was an illegal one because I was adopted without his knowledge or consent. I don’t blame him for being skeptical. There is a HUGE chance I will be getting the door slammed in my face again, but at least at the end of my life when my story is all said and done I won’t be saying, “ I WISH, I WISH”. My wish will be “I TRIED”. Who is anyone to tell me I should just give up HOPE and WALK AWAY? I am not a weakling, and am not a sissy. I’m not walking away. I am going to PROVE I am J.J.’s ONLY DAUGTER if my life depends on it. The next few months are going to be pretty nerve wrecking and significant in my life. This is a huge step.

I would like to say to all the people who think I’m crazy or nuts and who think I should just walk away and accept this as my life

WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY FAITH? WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE AWAY MY HOPE?

WHO ARE YOU?

ENOUGH HAS BEEN TAKEN! I’M NOT LETTING ANYONE TAKE MY HOPE AND FAITH AWAY.

GOD IS LOVE

GOD IS HOPE

GOD IS FAITH

GOD IS TRUTH

Every sense I was a little girl I have fantasized and had visions of “These People” meaning my biological family. I have spent my entire LIFE fighting to PROVE I am SOMEBODY regardless of my birth parents decision in rejecting me. Today, I don’t need them to prove WHO I AM. I know who I am. I’m God’s daughter, and that is the most important thing to me. This does NOT change the fact that I still need to TRY to prove what is TRUTH when there have been so many lies in my story.

WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH BRINGING DARKNESS TO LIGHT?

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to the light and made known to all” – Luke 8:17

I know secrets and lies are not from God, they are from the enemy.

My God is a God of TRUTH and the TRUTH means NOTHING HIDDEN.

In 2010 my biological aunt who is my birth mother’s sister is the one who came clean and told me “MY STORY” as she saw it. She shared that my birth father was married at the time of conception, and this was a big part why my birth mother chose adoption. I was able to put myself in my birth mothers shoes, and have some compassion for her and her decision. It brought me healing to know this “TRUTH”. I have written about it many times, and I always encourage my fellow adoptees to TRY to put yourself in “Her” shoes in attempts to feel what she felt and try to understand WHY she made the decision she did. This has helped me gain acceptance and forgive her.

Recently I have believed to uncover that it is a lie that my birth father was married at the time of my conception. I have had to dig and dig and to find out this TRUTH. I don’t understand why people don’t understand how important it is to adoptees THAT WE RECEIVE OUR TRUTH!! So now I don’t know the truth and for me, it’s an important and critical part of my healing because

IF I DON”T KNOW THE TRUTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM HEALING FROM!!!

I CAN’T HEAL FROM LIES AND HALF TRUTHS!

“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” Jeremiah 6:14

WHY ARE ADOPTEES FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT TO HEAL BY SIMPLY WANTING OUR TRUTH?

Where are all my Christian friends at during this topic? Where are all the people who simply believe in RIGHT & WRONG? Why aren’t more people taking a stand that ALL ADOPTED PEOPLE DESERVE WHAT’S RIGHTFULLY THEIRS, THEIR Original Birth Certificates & their TRUTH & ANSWERS and ALL OF THEM.

½ Truth + ½ Truth = A WHOLE LIE

So here you have it, at 41 years old adoption loss and grief is still very strong in my life, and will always be strong in my life because I am still fighting for my truth. When I find my truth there are thousands of other adoptees who do not have theirs. I will never sit down and be quiet about this until all adopted people all over the world have their truth. God has given me GRACE and I plan on using it.

As I have decided to take the advice to contact the Catholic Priest in Leon, IA where my birth father lives, I made a few calls and left a few messages for him to get back to me. Finally we caught up with one another. I explained who I am and what I was calling for. After sharing I desired his help to deliver the DNA results to my birth father, he asks some questions and told me it was very important that I’m able to answer these questions. He said it appears J.J. has some knots that are tangled up and he wants to try to untangle the knots so he can figure out the truth as to why J.J. would deny me. My point is that he denied me before, but now I have the DNA results that prove I am his daughter. So regardless of the past, and why he originally denied me is really irrelevant because now DNA proves that any reasons he believed I might not be his are not valid.

TRUTH IS TRUTH

“It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail” – 1 Corinthians 13:6

I could tell by the accent of Father Felix that he is of African descent which leads me to believe he’s African American. I can tell you he was extremely friendly and was very comforting in his words to me. He said, “Mam I want to help you but one thing I need to share is I don’t want you to feel rejected.” I said, “Thank you sir, but I have felt rejected my entire life. In this situation it’s hard to not feel that way” He said “I’m so sorry you feel that way but I hope I can help you untangle this knot and be prepared it might take some time”. I was gracious for him talking to me. He gave me his email and asked me to email him all the information I have about J.J. and his marriages, and my biological mother. He said when he goes he needs the armed with the facts and the DNA proof. I let him know I would email it to him in the near future and we would be in touch.

I can’t help but believe that GOD is in the center of this because when my birth father found out I had bi-racial children he gave me a few choice words about his opinion regarding me having kids by a “black man”. I let him know I didn’t need his acceptance of my kids or I and that isn’t what I was there for. It wasn’t pretty and I will just leave it at that. He said conflicting things during my 2nd and final visit ever seeing him, but in the end his tone came around where he had compassion and he was interested in meeting my kids. That topic is a whole different blog post in itself. But I have prayed that God just change his heart and his mind on how he feels regarding this matter. I am NOT taking my kids to meet this guy, not yet anyway.

So thinking that the local Catholic Priest is an African American man I believe with my entire heart that God is behind this meeting that is about to take place. How else do you explain that? The town of Leon, IA is population is 1900 and it’s a very small town with little to no diversity. And he is willing to set up a meeting with J.J. and present him with the DNA results. WOW. I just get chills thinking of it. If anyone can change J.J’s heart it’s GOD!

In the next 24 hours I will have my email compiled to Father Felix and I will email it off to him. And the wait will begin. Seems us adoptees live our lives waiting. Its torture but I know that if God is behind it, I have nothing to worry about. I feel like once the DNA TRUTH is presented I will know at the end of my life that I tried, and I did all I could do. I can tell you this journey has been an emotionally and mentally exhausting one. I listen to the song “Happy” by Pharrell and I wonder when I’m going to experience happiness like that. Not just on the outside but on the inside too. I want to move past this place in my life, but as you see I still have some loose ends God is guiding me to tie up.

Some might say, “What if you present him with the DNA and it changes nothing?”

I would say, at least I tried. At least now I know it’s not a DNA matter with J.J. but it’s more of a heart matter. If he’s presented with the DNA TRUTH and he still rejects me I will be much more able to accept that as the TRUTH than him never knowing I’m his only living daughter and him never knowing I’m really his or not. He rejects me again, he has to live with that and he has to answer for that. My job is over.

See where the fight has come in at? I’m so sick of fighting and I’m NOT going to stop until I receive all my truth! Why would I give up now? Why would I let the devil have his way by discouraging me and taking my HOPE away? Why would I accept something when the truth hasn’t been presented yet? Once the TRUTH (DNA) is presented and nothing changes and ALL J.J.s family is made aware of the DNA results then I will be at a place where I am able to accept the truth because now there are no secrets.

I’m forever thankful for all my blog readers who are supporting me and who are on this journey with me. I couldn’t do it without God, my close friends and family that support me, my amazing new found cousin, Linda and those who I have a special place for tucked away in my heart of hearts- ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES WHO GET IT!

mystory

If secrets and lies weren’t the ROOT of my life and where it all began I wouldn’t be uncovering the TRUTH at 41 years old.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MIGHT BE!

I will be sure to update you all on the outcome.

Thanks for reading and send me a word of encouragement if you have one!

PRAY FOR ME & I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TOO!

 With God all things are possible.

If you need prayers send me an email and I would be happy to pray for you! If you can relate to my story at all, please leave me a message.

2016-01-10 18.04.25

ADOPTEE IN RECOVERY VICTORY!- 3 YEAR SOBRIETY!

Well, if you are reading this you can help me CELEBRATE ringing in my 3 year sobriety milestone!

AUGUST 12, 2012

2015_08_12_00_00_19

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be sober living in recovery, let alone reach a 3 year milestone! Pretty AMAZING FEELING! God gets the glory!

I know, it’s not 5 or 10 years, but I remember way back when I didn’t think I could live without alcohol. I was a full time runner, running from the pain from my past.

Let me give you a little history. I started drinking when I was around 12 years old. I found an escape by drinking alcohol. My at home life was far from normal, and alcohol seemed to take my pain away. I was suffering from abandonment & rejection issues from being adopted, but I could never share my pain with anyone. Let’s face it, in adoption if you don’t have happy warm fuzzy feelings your feelings really aren’t welcomed. I was always told to be “Thankful” my birth mother didn’t abort me, or that I was adopted so I could have a “Better Life”. Deep down, I was lost, isolated, and alone and my heart was broken. I waited for my birth mother to come find me, but she never showed up.

I was admitted to drug and alcohol rehab by the time I was 15. It didn’t do any good, because I didn’t want to be there. I was forced. As I grew up drinking was a way of life for me. I partied, a lot. I loved going out and hanging with friends. I experimented with different drugs. My drug of choice was MDMA (ecstasy). I had no shame in drinking and driving. I went to jail and got a DUI that cost me $355 a drink that night. I’m not proud of any of these things, just sharing where I have been!

I was running from the truth & I had no tools to heal. I kept avoiding my reality, and I never faced the TRUTH about my adoption experience. This was based partly because I didn’t have all the pieces, and partly because I used alcohol to numb my pain. The other part was an internal struggle I felt because I felt a totally different way than everyone else felt about being adopted. I wasn’t thankful. I was brokenhearted. My feelings weren’t welcome. I was in a lot of pain not knowing who I was or where I came from. To top it off lies and deception kept me from finding my truth for many years. This stalled my healing. I couldn’t TRULY heal because my mind was distorted.

August 12, 2012 everything changed. I went through a life changing event. My eyes were wide open and I made the decision to throw in the towel on my drinking habit and I started a recovery program. I knew it was time. I started AA at first. It’s a great program but I found out about Celebrate Recovery and it was clear that was where God wanted me. October 2012 I walked through those doors a broken woman! I had nowhere to turn, and I only knew very few people who lived their lives in recovery. One was a faraway friend, and another was my friends son & I was twice his age. It’s amazing that God used both of them to show me the ropes in the beginning of a new way of life for me.

I can’t lie. I was scared. I was nervous. I felt alone. I was broken.

God swooped up and changed everything! It wasn’t long before I had a new found family and everyone loved me despite my flaws. This “SAFE PLACE” was the first place in my life I was able to freely share “How it feels to be adopted” and not have anyone judge me or tell me how to feel. I was able to share my hurt, my pain, my broken heart, my tears, my struggles, and all the things in between that come with being on a healing journey to wholesome. I was able to identify my root issues of abandonment & rejection from my adoption experience, and move forward with acceptance, and healing. This was the first time in 40 years my root issue was identified and I saw counselors my entire life! ABANDONMENT & REJECTION FROM BEING ADOPTED ARE MY ROOT ISSUES. No more denying.

WOW! 3 years later, I’m in leadership at Celebrate Recovery and I co-lead a small group for women with chemical dependency issues. Who would have ever thought God would use me in that way?

The most amazing part of me is the fact that my kids are my #1 fans. They have seen the changes, and because of my changes their lives are changed. Celebrate Recovery has given me the tools to become a happier healthier mother, and one day grandmother. These are the reasons I’m living today! I always say God saved me in just enough time to save my kids. He gets the glory!

IMG_7681
2 Weeks Ago                     4 Years Ago.
I can tell you I’m not where I need to be, but I’m sure not where I used to be. God is using my biggest misery as his biggest ministry. I’ve prayed for grace, and I’m able to share my adoption experience from a place of peacefulness. I still have issues, lord do I ever. But I have hope in the future, and I know God heals. He healed my broken heart, and he’s put some spiritual mothers in my life who I adore. They know who they are. 

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult due to my birthday coming up. Not even going there, I know my fellow adoptees get it. With my sobriety birthday the day before, I felt the need to write a VICTORIOUS BLOG POST to let all my fellow adoptees know that THERE IS HOPE IN JESUS. HEALING IS POSSIBLE. If you are struggling with using substances of any kind, I promise you it’s only delaying your healing. The great thing is there’s a Celebrate Recovery in almost all cities in the USA, and it’s even in other countries.

Leave me a message if you are an adoptee and you are struggling with chemical dependency issues. I would love to get to know you and hear your story.

HELP ME CELEBRATE 3 YEARS!  Leave me a comment! XOXO

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

@freesimplyme

My Love For My Heartless Birthparents

I would give anything to be one of the adoptees who didn’t have any feelings about my birth parents. Why? Because then my pain wouldn’t be something I face on a daily basis, sometimes hourly. I would maybe be okay with being adopted?

I’ve learned all adoptees are different. Some of us are okay with not searching and never discovering our roots. Others need to know and they will never be okay unless they discover their truth. I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being adoptees that are okay with their experience & not knowing their roots and 10 being those adoptees who have extreme issues with their adoption experience & not knowing their roots I’m way past a 10. Being adopted bothers me in every aspect. Now that I’m old enough to work through my emotions I’m experiencing and identifying REAL RAW FEELINGS. From 12-37 I used substances to numb my pain. I didn’t want to feel the emotions that go along with being handed over to strangers by the woman that should love me the most in life. Today, I’m thankful to be on a healing journey but sometimes the pain is unbearable. It’s hard to describe to non-adopted people. I would give anything to have a switch I could just shut off and not care about any of the things that bother me so much. I think because the things that bother me are so senseless and inhumane I don’t think any human should have to experience.  This means my VOICE is critical to the adoptee community, as is all the other fellow adoptees who share their voice. When God answered my prayers and made it possible for me to reunite and find all my biological family I made a promise to God, myself & all the adoptees out there. So many are lost searching to find themselves & their long lost families that I will never stop sharing how it feels to be adopted and offer support all the adoptees who feel hopeless and alone. I will never stop speaking about something that means so much to me. I will spend the rest of my days encouraging adoptees to use their VOICE in adoption. The VOICE that’s most often ignored.

I spent my entire childhood and most of my teen years fantasizing about them, specifically my birth mother. I always had her close to my heart. I dreamed of the day we would be reconnected again. I cried a million tears growing up not knowing where she was. I. I searched for her in my dreams, in grocery stores, at the gas station, walking down the street, at parks, the mall and everywhere else I traveled to. Of course I loved her. My heart loved her even when the world wanted me to forget all about her. I know I formed a bond with her before I was ever born, but the hope I had of an amazing reunion grew my love for her and some days that’s all I could think about.

After all,  “She loved me so much, she gave me away.” <–Explains My Adoptive Mom

Why wouldn’t I have love for her? It came natural to want her in my life. Everyone told me she loved me. So if she loved me, why wouldn’t she want me in her life when I did find her? What the  hell kind of LOVE is everyone talking about?  This messed me up and still has me messed up. A mother doesn’t LOVE their child and reject them after the child finds them. A mother doesn’t LOVE their child and give it away to strangers. That isn’t love. That’s abandonment & rejection in it’s rawest form.

The original abandonment and rejection I experienced before I found my birth parents was a tremendous amount of pain that never left me. Now, since finding both and being rejected by both my pain has been magnified a thousand times and the abandonment & rejection is so RAW that honestly I understand why so many adoptees commit suicide. (Read the stitistics!) This pain is no joke and in adoption the weak will NOT survive. I have so much respect for my fellow adoptees because the pain we face is so deep I believe we are the strongest people on the planet. I truly believe that!

Back to my topic…

My birth mother died about 18 years after us meeting just one time. She shut me out & lied to me. She promised she would send me letters, pictures, and cards in the mail and she never did. I waited on the mail my entire life!! Now I hate checking the mail & each time I do I get the deep sadness all over again that I wasn’t even worth a piece of mail to her. Even when she’s gone, I still wish I would magically open the mailbox and get just one letter she promised me. At least I would have something to keep that was from her. I know that’s complete nonsense to some people but I bet adoptees get it.  I wasn’t included in her obituary. This was horrible to experience. I didn’t count for anything in her life. But she loved me SO much? 

I’ve tried to take myself out of my shoes & put them in hers. I’ve tried to understand. What I gather from knowing what I know based off my experience is that my birth mother didn’t love me. She loved the idea of passing her mistake over to someone else. She loved that she didn’t have to be reminded daily of her actions of becoming pregnant by a married man. She could just pass me to strangers and never think twice about me again.  She didn’t love me because she drank alcohol the entire pregnancy. She loved alcohol, that’s what she loved. She never told me she loved me. She didn’t want a relationship with me. She didn’t include me in her obituary. Why was I so surprised?  One more fantasy to add to the life long list of fantasies adoptees have. I had a million & they were all rooted in speculation because I didn’t know my truth. This is only one aspect of adoption that messed my mind up. I read “The Girls Who went Away”. I totally get the aspect of things being totally different in the 50’s, 60’s & 70’s. But this had no waver on her rejecting me once I did find her. I also realize her pain may have been too great,  but if a mother “Loves” their child they will WANT them in their life. You can’t tell me any different.

After all I experienced w/ my birth mother and how her actions made me feel, I can honestly say if she appeared in front of my right now I wouldn’t do anything but run into her arms. I would give anything to get one real true hug from her.You know, the kid of hug a mother gives her beautiful daughter. I would give anything to hear her say “I Love You” just one time. That would mean that when I was told “She loved you so much she gave you away” it was true. Unfortunately I never received the confirmation she loved me at all. Today, I’ve learned to never go without telling those close to you that you love them. It maybe the only time they hear it and your last chance at telling them.

I’ve accepted the lie that was told to me, “Your birth mother loved you so much” was just that, a LIE.  I challenge ALL adoptive parents to be VERY CAREFUL in the words you use to share and explain things to your adoptive children. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Not all birth mothers love their babies!

I met my birth father 2 x. He didn’t accept me as his daughter even when I look just like him. He could care less who I am, where I live, or anything to do w. me or my life. He knew nothing about me until I showed up at his door at 37 years old. This hurts. But if he showed up here today, I would also go running to him and be ready for anything he was able to offer. I know this isn’t going to happen. I’ve given up. It still hurts like hell.

After I finally was able to feel my feelings & start a recovery program I put everything out on the table. I was able to draw my own conclusions & connect the dots to the missing pieces of my history. I had to fight like hell to get my answers! People lied to me, and the expense of YEARS of memories with my long lost family. In learning my TRUTH I was able to accept it and begin to heal. I know I can’t change the past but I will spend the rest of my time on earth sharing my experiences on how it feels to be adopted & reaching out to other adoptees so they know they aren’t alone.

My love for my birth parents will ALWAYS be there. I don’t care if someone told me they were drug addicts, who were horrible people! It should be MY CHOICE weather I have them in my life nor not. No one should take this decision from us… Sadly in my case, neither of my birth parents wanted me in their life. I also have a biological sister who rejected me. We clashed after meeting, and we share opposing views on adoption because she followed in my birth mothers foot steps and gave one of her own children up for adoption. She doesn’t understand me, and I don’t understand her. We have no relationship because of it.  It never ends & for the life of me I will never understand how parents reject their own flesh & blood. I’m thankful I was able to make my own choice in searching and was able to meet them each at least 1 x and gain a better understanding of MY HISTORY. MY STORY!

In this journey acceptance is key but it isn’t easy. The question is, how are adoptees supposed to accept something if they don’t know what it is? It’s impossible!  How are we supposed to HEAL if we have nothing to accept? We’ve been fed so many lies and shenanigans that most adoptees don’t have any idea what their truth is! This has caused me the most heartbreaking pain anyone could ever imagine. To wait my whole life to meet them and be left with nothing in the end. No time, no memories, no nothing. I truly believe everyone in life leaves you, especially when your own parents discard you like a piece of garbage. I live in constant FEAR of this & I hate it.

What have I done to feel like I’m controlling something in my life? I moved across the country away from ALL my biological & adoptive family, I changed my number, changed my name and as soon as my kids graduate I’ll be moving again… I’m hoping to be untraceable to those who once rejected me. They will never have a chance to hurt me again. To them I’m the LOST one.. They can spend the rest of their lives wondering where I am, how I am and what I’m doing. Amazing how that script is flip isn’t it??!!! Chances are they don’t care, but I needed to do this for myself. I needed to feel like I controlled SOMETHING in my life! Of course, I have ONE relationship out of my biological family reunion I’ve kept and that’s my biological brother. I’ve closed all the doors on the rest, every single one. I’ve found they are too painful. adoptees understand this. My biological brother is amazing! He’s been accepting and I love him for that. Now I’ll spend the rest of my life mourning all that was lost. I’m not at a place of acceptance with that yet! As for my adoptive family, I have a small handful of one step brother, cousins, 1 aunt, and my adoptive dad & his wife I have in my life. I hold them all close to my heart. There are more who have crossed me in some way and I’ve dismissed them from my life. I have no problems dismissing people who bring unhealthy relationships my way. That’s a deep aspect to being adopted, we’ve lost EVERYTHING so losing more isn’t new to us.. It’s just part of our life!

As #FlipTheScript in November comes to an end, I would like to challenge ALL ADOPTIVE PARENTS to please help your adoptive child find their truth. Please help us find our history. Please don’t make us feel bad or guilty for wanting to know where we come from. This is natural for a unnatural situation.

For all the birth parents out there… I would just like to say that if you’ve made the choice to cut your biological child out of your life please know you are hurting them more than anyone could ever imagine! Please seek help and reconsider. No matter what the circumstances “Were” there is nothing to be afraid of now. Things are different. If anything PLEASE TELL THE CHILD YOU SURRENDERED YOU LOVE THEM IF YOU DO LOVE THEM. No child in the world should have to go through life never hearing “I LOVE YOU” from either of their biological parents.

If you made it this far, can you relate to any of my blog post? How do you feel about your birth parents?  What are you on the scale of 1-10?

Blessings,
Pamela Jones
@freesimplyme
http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Mother May I…

Mother May I
 
Mother, I’ve been tied to this pain for so long and each day I awake I desire for it to be gone.
It’s like a dark cloud hanging over my head.
It starts each morning as soon as I rise out of bed.
You never leave my mind.
How can I let it go?
 It’s all I have of you, you know?
It’s deep in my soul and always appears when I’m low, usually nobody knows.
When there is nothing to hang on to, no memories and no history, all I have is the pain.
Is that why I’m hanging on to this pain so long?
In your memory, it’s clenched tight.
 I know deep down its blocking some of God’s light.
It’s been 40 years now.
It feels like a bag of bones and it’s heavy to carry.
But if I let it go, what will I have?
There are no memories to remember, no future, and no forever.
I thought of saving a piece, folding it up and putting it away.
Then I can take it out on a rainy day.
Because then you will know I never forgot you. I never want you to think I forgot about you.
But God said, “NO, you are my child, and I want your heart to be healed. You’ve had enough rainy days”
Mother, I’m tired of carrying this pain.
 I know I have to let go, but there are a few things I need you to know.
Just because I let go of the pain, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold you close to my heart.
It doesn’t mean I’m trading you for anything.
It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you, because I do.
It just means that I’ve made the choice to move forward with my life, and let go of the pain.
I need this for myself, my kids and for my future.
I will ALWAYS hold you close to my heart, because you are the woman I dreamed of knowing from the very start.
So let me ask
 Mother May I?
 Let go of the pain?
Because holding it so tight, I know I have nothing to gain.
Mother May I let go of the pain?
Mother:  “YES YOU MAY” 
Healing by discovering my truth & sharing it with the world one blog post at a time…
Pamela Karanova
Lexington, KY
Reunited Adult Adoptee
 

I Made It!

Today is 2 years sobriety for me. I can hardly believe it’s already been 2 years.
Let me just say this has been the hardest 2 years of my life but because of my higher power, Jesus Christ I’m still standing! Because of Celebrate Recovery, I’m still standing!  The devil’s mad, but I’m STILL STANDING!
 
I’ve spend the last 2 years in a recovery ministry called Celebrate Recovery, and now in leadership in that same ministry. I can honestly say that working through the 12 steps and 8 principles has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done in my soon to be 40 years of life. Celebrate Recovery is designed to take us all the way back to the beginning of life, and to find the root cause of our addictive behaviors. For me, abandonment & rejection from being given up for adoption was my root issue. Never being able to grieve my loss or share my feelings added to my deep rooted pain. This is why I turned to alcohol at a very early age so I could numb the pain I was feeling. There was no one to turn to and no one understood the depths of my losses. What made matters worse is that everyone expected for me to be grateful. This caused me to live with a huge amount of pain, and this pain came out in different ways such as low self-esteem, sexual promiscuity, anger, rage, lying, stealing, fighting, and drug and alcohol abuse. I hated myself and everyone in my life.
 

As I got older these symptoms only got worse. Somehow God spared me my life, and helped me find Celebrate Recovery. A close friend named Sandy introduced me to this ministry. I will always be thankful! I was scared and nervous in the beginning, but after I started to attend weekly I learned that everyone loved me for me, and didn’t condemn me or treat me different. They loved me like family. After working through a Step Study, and working through the 12 steps and 8 principles, I was able to identify my root issues, and this was a very healing experience to me.

 
 
In adoption, so many things are kept from the adoptee. Most will say it’s to protect the adoptee, but this is also another way of lying and keeping secrets. There is no possible way for adoptees to heal unless they know the TRUTH about what they are healing from. Protecting them is only hurting them.  No matter what anyone says, we deserve to know our truth. ALL OF IT! I began my healing the moment I began to learn my truth. I began processing my history, my truth when I let go of alcohol to numb my pain. I was feeling the emotions carried and buried for close to 40 years because everyone told me to be thankful. They said that I couldn’t feel anything about my first family. I couldn’t love my birth mother. I couldn’t miss my family, even when I didn’t know who they were. ALL OF THIS HURT ME, and it HURT ME DEEPLY. Birthdays come and go, and I wanted to just sit alone and sob for my birth mother, but everyone expected me to just forget all about her. This hurt me. The last 2 years of attending Celebrate Recovery and living a sober life I have truly started the grieving process for losing my first family. Yes, they are MY first family and I lost on everything with them. Memories never to seen. No family tree, no pictures together, no mother/daughter bonding. I can go on and on about what all adoptees loose, but if you’ve ready any of my blog, you will know for yourself.
So today I celebrate 2 years of life where I have truly been able to feel the sadness, and anger, resentments, and pain that I ran from truly feeling my whole life because I was denied being able feel anything. [ just be thankful! ] – If I hear that one more time I will put a sock in someones mouth! I honestly don’t wish this pain on anyone but I have come to the conclusion that I’m happy I’m finally able to feel this pain, because some never make it to this point. I don’t think its forever, even when many adoptees say it never goes away. I believe there will always be pain, because there are always too many reminders of what was lost. Holidays, Mother’s Day, “Birth” Days, and The list of triggers I have, and so on. But I hope and pray it gets easier and I’m thankful I finally have MY TRUTH and I’M ABLE TO HEAL BECAUSE OF IT. God gets the glory!
 
Happy 2 Year Sobriety To Me. 
 
If you’re an adoptee, and you are depending on substances to get you through the pain, remember you aren’t alone. There is help available. Celebrate Recovery is the world’s largest Christ Centered Recovery Ministry! www.celebraterecovery.com and find a meeting in your area!
Thanks for reading!

Please Don’t Tell Me How To Feel

I have felt the need to share something that’s been on my heart the last 24 hours since I shared my last blog post.
I had an adoptive mother tell me I should just think of my experience in a different way. It’s up to me to basically be thankful and grateful.  We’re all adopted into God’s Kingdom so what’s the difference right?
Let me just say, that it always seems to be the adoptive mothers who want to speak up and tell me how I should fell. I wonder why this is? If a child lost their mother in a car accident and they grieved this loss later in life would you tell that child how they should feel? I doubt it.
The truth of the matter is, I am just now grieving my losses and I am 8 days away from turning 40 years old. Do you know why that is? Because I spent 37 years of my life being brain washed by my adoptive mother, family and the rest of society on how I should feel. They always made me feel guilty for wanting to know my first family. For simply wanting to know WHO I AM. This not only denied me the right to share my true real feelings, but it denied me the right to grieve my loss until I became old enough to identify my real feelings, and be brave enough to share them.
I realize my blog isn’t full of fancy flowers and rainbow dreams. But my blog is full of the truth on what adoption has done to me and the pain it’s inflicted on me and in return my children, and one day their children. Instead of judge me, why don’t you look at where the source of my pain is coming from. The root issue is abandonment & rejection from my birth mother giving me up for adoption. All of the crazy stuff with my adoptive mother just adds to that root cause. But the ROOT CAUSE is from me being given away, tossed to the side by both my birth parents. Adding to that, they didn’t accept me when I finally did find them. The other side of that is my adopters telling me I should just be thankful that they took me in when my birth family didn’t want me. They took away my right to cry for missing my birth mother. They took away my right to know and make memories with my biological siblings and their children. Memories lost, never to be found.  They took away my right to grieve my loss. I could never share my feelings growing up, and this is why I share them now. They confused me because even when my feelings were of complete sadness and despair, they told me I had no right to feel that way. Now as an adult, I know I have a right to feel that way. If you lost your entire family in a car wreck wouldn’t you be sad about loosing them? Of course. Same thing but hopefully you had a chance to make some lasting memories with your loved ones. Adoptees don’t get that chance. 
It may be different for some adoptees, but I feel like I was adopted to fulfill my adoptive mothers desires to be a mother. I think she cares more about who’s going to take care of her when shes old, and the self-satisfaction she gets when someone calls her “Mother”. She still desires these things even when she’s never been a mother to me.
As for being adopted into God’s kingdom. I do believe I am adopted into Gods kingdom but there is a big difference. I had to make that choice to become a Christian and give my life to Christ. I had all the decision making into that factor of my life. I can say it was the best decision of my life, but I made it for myself. My church family is my family. I am thankful to God for them every day because they have shown me what REAL FAMILY Is all about. They have loved me unconditionally with no strings attached. They have taught me something that adoption hasn’t taught me. To love with no conditions. Adoption is the other way around.
I heard yesterday on the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” page ( www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted) one of my fellow adoptees said in response to adoptive parents and society telling her how to feel,

“If you shared the same history as me, you may share the same sentiments”

Thanks Alex Bird! ❤

That was beautifully said and I couldn’t have said it any better. As long as I’m walking out my recovery journey and healing from the pain from my past from my adoption experience, I will share my feelings and my story. I will grieve my losses how I need to, just like you will grieve your losses how you need to. I know that I’m reaching other adoptees who have always felt alone, and I’m also reaching those adoptive parents who want to receive what an adult adoptee has to say because I have lived in the shoes of what their child is living. I believe that in time things will get easier, and maybe one day my blog will taper off into sweet nothings, but right now when I’m FINALLY able to speak freely about how it feels to be adopted, and share my journey and insight with the world some of what you read will be very painful.  If I wasn’t denied the right to grieve my losses growing up, I may not be grieving them by blogging about my feelings at 40 years old. Instead of judge me, maybe say a prayer for me.  I will do the same for you.
Let me ask, since you made it this far. How do you respond when others tell you how you should feel about being adopted?  What seems to work for you?  

Thanks for being here and for being a part of my journey! 

The Power of a Letter…

 I waited 20+ years for a letter in the mail that was promised to me by my birth mother. Every day the mail man would come, and I would be hopeful that letter would be there. I just wanted one letter. She promised she would send it. I wanted to see what her writing was like, and I hoped she would write the words, “I Love You” somewhere at the bottom. I could keep it forever as a keepsake to take out and read or frame it so it would last forever. But, sadly I never received it nor did I ever hear the words “I Love You”. I started to hate to check the mail. It was a daily let down, and a sadness that no one could grasp. Through the years, I had hung onto hope that one day that letter would come, but then she passed away in 2010 so that hope died, along with her. I would give anything to have that one letter. 

Now it’s 2014 and God has put an elderly man in my life I have cared for over the years and he has a son that has been estranged from the family. Today, I helped him write his son a letter. He wrote “I think of you often and hope you are well, I Love you,-Pop” at the bottom. I can only hope that letter will bring his son much joy, just like the letter I hoped to receive from my birth mother would have brought me. Maybe just maybe, my experience in understanding the power of a letter will bring him some comfort knowing that even when they may not have the best relationship, he has that letter, from his Pop that says “I love you”. 

God is good, all the time… And all the time……

Mother’s Day Blues

What does Mother’s Day mean to me?
It’s a day of loss and sadness. The way I feel on Mother’s Day reminds me of my birthday. It’s very difficult. I know many other adoptees feel the same way. They have told me so.
It’s a remind of the women who should love me most giving me away and giving her right to parent me away to strangers. She never wanted to be my mother. She never wanted me to be attached to her or call her “Mom” or “Mommy”. She never wanted to talk to me or get to know me. She never wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day, not with me anyway.
I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like if she was alive and she wanted me in her life. I would go pick her up for Mother’s Day lunch, and spend the day with her. Take her flowers and a card and a gift, maybe…

So many might say how do you lose something that was never something to begin with? Easy, think of your Mother dying giving birth to you or your father gets in a car wreck when you were one year old and you never really getting to know him. The sorrow that comes with those two losses is the same sorrow that can come for adoptees but our loss isn’t just one person, it’s an entire family. It’s our Mother, Father, Grandmother and Grandfather and Siblings and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that are gone forever never to be discovered or found. This is if the adoption industry had its way. This is the biggest loss adoptees will ever experience.

Mother’s Day is full of triggers for many adoptees. It makes a difference when you see everyone with their mother’s but you are not with yours. You log into your social media sites and you see your timelines flooding with pictures mothers and daughters that look alike and you will never get to experience that. You see 3 or 4 generations of mothers and grandmothers lined up all looking alike. Makes me so sad because I can’t help but wonder if they only knew how much that moment or picture might mean to those who will never get that chance. It’s tough. Very tough.

I haven’t spoken to my adoptive mom in over a year. It’s next to impossible for me to consider her a mother to me. The last contact I had with her I wrote her a list of boundaries she needed to accept before she could be around my children. Things like picking all her pill bottles up, not sleeping all the time, not trying to make them feel guilty for her being “Alone”. They deserve a happy healthy grandmother, and she has never replied to my list so I have had no contact with her. She is very emotionally draining and she needs some serious psychiatric help before I ever consider having her in my life again. I have had to set boundaries, and I would rather not have her in my life than deal with her emotional drama and manipulative behavior. This is another loss I think about a lot on Mother’s Day. I ask myself if I would feel different if she was different? I will never know the answer to that but what I do know is that the original trauma of being separated from my first mother happened BEFORE the adoption took place. My reason in mentioning this is because no matter how my adoptive family was or wasn’t the trauma is still there. It has just added to it.
This journey of discovering my first family has been the journey of a lifetime for me. My life will never be the same now that I finally have the answers I deserved my whole life. I believe this mother’s day I will reflect on the fact that I met my birth mother 1 x, and even when she rejected me at least now I know. So many other adoptees will never get that privilege. As I try to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own children, the loss is so great It’s hard to think of anything else. But I will try to put on a happy face and smile, for my kids…

She Loved You So Much…

It has been more and more on my mind that my birth Fathers rights were taken from my biological father and this is the reason he knew nothing about me until I was 37 years old. This has had a major impact on my life.
  The first and last time I met my biological mother, I asked her about my birth father. Her words were “He knew nothing about you and he wouldn’t want too.” I wonder why I couldn’t just take her word for it. I always believed  my birth mother “Loved me so much” because I was told this over and over again growing up. Hearing these words contradicted her actions. She shut me out after meeting just one time and wanted nothing to do with me after. What this has lead me to believe is that she truly didn’t love me at all. I honestly feel like it always made my adoptive mother feel better saying that because she wanted to make me feel better as well as society in general. In all honesty this only made my pain worse. I will never understand how you love something and hand it over to strangers. I can’t comprehend that. I don’t believe it. When my birth mother shut me out this was heart wrenching to me because I will never understand how a mother does that to their child. My heart will always have a missing piece, and I’m finally able to emotionally deal with this as an adult because I don’t have society and my adoptive parents telling me how to feel. I’m able to express my own feelings.
Thinking about my birth father and only getting to meet him two times, so many emotions come to mind. He too has shut me out, and this has also left me heart broken. I can’t help but wonder about how things might have been different if times were different and adoption laws in earlier years acknowledged the birth father as having parental rights. Would he have wanted to keep me? Based on his current actions maybe my birth mother was right? I know he was married at the time, and he had a drunken affair with my birth mother. That was the end of the story from what I was told. She was ashamed and he knew nothing about my existence. I have had to accept this is the truth about my conception. I was not planned. I was not created out of love of two people. I was a mistake. This is the truth I know, God planned me. But I needed to truth about my birth parents so I could accept this and move forward at a chance to heal.

WHY WAS THE TRUTH KEPT FROM ME FOR SO LONG? WHY DID I HAVE TO FIGHT AND DISCOVER IT ALONE ON MY OWN? If everyone “Loved” me why didn’t they HELP ME THEN?

If my birth mother kept me chances are I would have ruined a marriage just by simply being born. I feel now after knowing the TRUTH that she made the best decision she knew how but that doesn’t mean she loves me. Her actions after I found her show me otherwise. I think this is what has had me so messed up for so long. She gave me away to strangers and shut me out after I did locate her because I was a reminder of her pain. Of her shame and guilt. Not because she loved me. Love is patient and love is kind. She showed none of that and I have come to a place of acceptance that she didn’t love me at all. She wanted to get rid of her dirty little secret she hid from everyone.

I can’t be mad at my birth father, but I am going to write him one final letter and let him know how I feel. His irresponsible actions still play a major role in my life. He needs to take accountability. I am not holding onto any hope I will even get a reply but at least I am working up enough courage to share with him how I feel.

The adoption industry led my birth mother to believe she was making a selfless decision and the best decision for her baby. In the 70’s unwed mothers were less common than they are today but they increased in years to come. The truth is her shame and guilt for her actions and the stigma of that ear was greater than her love for me. She just wanted to get rid of me. I truly believe she never wanted me to find her or return into her life. The part I was struggling with is HOW SHE LOVED ME SO MUCH but SHE SHUT ME OUT AND REJECTED ME. I kept thinking about it and everyone else around told me she loved me, but she never did. Everyone in society is speaking for her but that is more lies to add to the pile of lies in adoption. Adoptees can’t heal from living a life of lies. I have had to uncover every single detail about MY LIFE ALONE. But the best part is; now I am able to heal because the LIES are exposed and I have found out the TRUTH on my own. God heals. I know this, but you can’t heal living a lie.

Maybe adoptees who had good reunion stories have a different way to look at their experience. But for me, I don’t think anything in life can top the pain from being rejected by your biological mother and father. That’s just the after effects of the original trauma of being separated from my first family at the beginning of life. Then another aspect is being raised in an abusive home that was not a better life. With adoption no one can promise a better anything. You can’t heal unless you know the truth!

Have you been lied too about your adoption? Were your biological father’s rights considered? How has this impacted you? What ways have you been able to heal?