Category: adoptee

When the Wall Comes Tumbling Down…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova4 Comments

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You make the choice to pick up all the pieces, try to put them back together again.

Most people who know me or who have followed my blog will be familiar with my story but for those who aren’t aware I’m adopted. I was born in Waterloo, IA in 1974. I spent 20+ years searching for my biological family. Over the years I spent time battling an alcohol addiction and I suffered from anger, rage, low self-esteem, and lived a completely hopeless life.  I had abandonment & rejection issues from my adoption experience and I grew up in an emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive adoptive home. It’s taken me years to move towards accepting and acknowledging the truth, and asking God to come into my life and heal me from all these different “things” I have faced in my lifetime. Today I live in VICTORY. The devil had his way with me for far too long and TODAY because of GOD my life is on the mends. I share my story so other adoptees know they aren’t alone and with the world because adoption is much more than the label “A beautiful thing!” I desire to bring hope to the hopeless adoptees because having someone that UNDERSTANDS is HUGE!

Being adopted isn’t for sissies!

We are strong, resilient and we are fighters.

With that being said, as I was reunited with both my birth parents, they both met me and then rejected me. I hear people say, “You know, what feels like rejection is God’s way of protection!” I believe that to be true, but I also know in life especially in adoption I have always found people to want to silence my pain with reasons I should just be thankful for the circumstances I was born into. Let me just share that with this mentality I was never able to heal growing up. My healing was stalled, because the WORLD didn’t want to hear my pain, or acknowledge it in anyway.

Even the 20 counselors I saw growing up NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED MY ADOPTEE GRIEF, LOSS & TRAUMA!

Not even a little bit.

All I hear is, “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?” or “Aren’t you at least thankful for your life?” If you want to know the TRUTH, I spent 37 years being angry my birth mother didn’t abort me and I STILL struggle being thankful for my life! If I hear that one more time I think I might lose it.

Being transparent is the only way I can share things. I refuse to be marginally deceptive to make other people feel comfortable.

Spend some time RESEARCHING Complicated Grief, Loss & Trauma for adoptees. GOOD LUCK finding it because there are no resources ANYWHERE for us but if you find any please share them with me! A few books here and there and on a rare occasion one of us might come across a therapist that specializes in adoptee issues but that’s very rare. They aren’t common at all but there are adoption therapists for adoptive parents on every corner, not to mention agencies.

When you silence our pain with comments like that and refuse to acknowledge our pain you cause us more pain!

What does this mean?

When the walls come crumbling down we are left to figure it out on our own!

I have quickly learned that those close to me who WANT to learn how adoptees feel will make the choice to actively listen and try to understand that there is more to adoption than just a pretty little story.

JUST LISTEN!

As I was rejected by my birth parents, I was reunited with a half adoptive sister that relationship fizzled. She hated that I shared my less than perfect feelings on how adoption has impacted me and she has given a baby up for adoption. This caused an immediate clash between us and there seems to be no middle understanding. Her story is her story and mine is mine but she HATED that I shared adoption has been painful because she refuses to acknowledge her pain regarding losing her son to adoption. She lashed out on me and that was the end of that relationship.

I have had 3 biological family reunions and 3 fizzled reunions. Words can’t even begin to express the pain involved with these losses. I spent MANY years in denial, and really angry. Today I have gained acceptance but I had to step out of denial and the only way I could step out of denial is by learning my TRUTH! Shame and secrets stepped in the way so this is why I’m healing so late in life. The younger we learn our TRUTH the earlier we begin to heal. Secrecy and lies prevented me from healing. Today, as heart breaking as it has been at least I have my truth at least I’m healing!

Today I’m not as angry as I used to be but what fuels my anger is that society still fails to realize that adoption is loss & trauma which causes complicated grief, sadness, anger, rage and a lot of pain! Until this pain is acknowledged and understood on a deeper level the adoptee suicide rate will ALWAYS be 4 x more likely than non-adoptees. Check this article out if you don’t believe me. Preventing Adoptee Related Suicide

I have written for the last 5 years about how God saved the best for last. I didn’t find out I had a brother until 2010. I searched for him for a year in November 2011 I finally found my brother. We shared the same father. December 2011 was the first Christmas I ever spent with a biological family member. I can’t even tell you at the excitement and happiness to have finally found the BEST PART of my adoption search and the reunion was a great one. My brother was accepting, his siblings were accepting, and his children were accepting. We spent the next 5 years making up for lost time. I can tell you that he was and is the first person I ever felt like I had a biological connection besides my own kids. It was something only my fellow adoptees could appreciate because you had to grow up being denied that right, in order to understand how important it is.

FINALLY GOD SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST. MY BROTHER WAS AND IS THE POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW FOR ME.

Adoptees know that desire, that need to just feel like they belong, that deep desire to have that deep connection with their blood kin. Non-adoptees can’t relate because they haven’t gone without. It’s something most people take for granted.

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My brother has given me hope, that finally I will have some biological connections with someone somewhere. I imagined that one day when I get married he will be there at my wedding and he can meet all my adoptive family and they can finally see someone else that looks like me, acts like me and who has similarities as me. They will be able to see how awesome he is. I’ve been elated because my niece had her first baby, and I got a card in the mail that said “Auntie” with a Christmas picture with him in it. She kept me up to date about her pregnancy, and it’s been fun slowly building relationships with all of my brothers 4 kids and his siblings. They have all accepted us, loved us, and warmed us into the family. We traveled back and forth to Texas to his crawfish boil. He has been to Kentucky many times and celebrated a few Christmas’s with us. This past Thanksgiving 2015 we drove to Texas and my kids and I spent the first Thanksgiving in 41 years of my life with biological family. For me this has been a dream come true to a pretty tragic story.

God saved the best for last!

Indeed!

What feels like REJECTION is God’s way of protection might be true, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have pain, grief & loss associated with the situation. I know that God understands the pain because he too can feel the deepest parts of my heart, every little broken piece.

As the story unfolds, my biological father doesn’t claim me and he shared doubts with me about my half-brother. My brother is 10 years older than me. He was always told growing up that J.J.; our birth father is his father. Our birth father even acknowledged him at a few different times in his life but they hadn’t had a relationship in many years. I found my birth father in 1999 and mailed him a letter sharing with him who I was. I waited every day for the mail and had high hopes he would respond but after giving him 11 years I never had confirmation he received my letter, so I decided to drive to Iowa to see his face at least one time in my lifetime. 2010 was the year my birth mother died and we had only met one time. It was also the year I laid eyes on my birth father for the first time. During this visit he shared with me I had a half-brother, He said he had some doubts he was his or not, but he was believed to be in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, he gave me his name and off I went. The search was on.

In my heart I felt that if my birth father didn’t claim me, and he wasn’t for sure claiming my brother I would leave it up to my brother and I to determine if we were siblings because as soon as we saw one another’s childhood pictures, and pictures through life we just knew we were siblings. We spent some time together and our similarities are astonishing! We have so many of the same mannerisms, we’re both tall, we have the same complexion and if my hair was natural we would have the same hair color. We are so much alike, and in my heart I finally felt a connection to someone I shared DNA with, which was a connection I had never felt in my lifetime aside from my relationships with my kids. It was amazing to finally feel like I connected with someone! So over the years building this new found relationship has been challenging due to the distance, but we have made many phone calls and visits back and forth. We have done the best with the circumstances. I have struggled in my own personal way I know my fellow adoptees get this  with the fact that so much time has been lost. I get angry regarding this matter. I missed EVERYTHING with my brother, and I get emotional about it, thinking of missing his weddings, his kids being born, having that brother/sister relationship bond that is indescribable and PEOPLE chose to take our relationship away from us. Time is the most valuable thing in the world and 38 years gone, never to return. This has been one of the deepest parts of my hurt, and of course these feelings aren’t welcome anywhere because non-adoptees just don’t understand and they all say “Well aren’t you just thankful you found him and you having the future to look forward too?” Yes, yes of course I am but that doesn’t change the facts which have caused me a great deal of pain.

Thanksgiving 2015 I asked my brother if he would consider doing a DNA test so that I could present it to our birth father. Over the years he has said numerous times, “What are we going to do, get a blood test 40 years later?!” Well, actually that’s a great idea. If PROOF I am his child and my brother is his child might sway him into letting me meet my grandmother for the first time before she dies than for me it would be worth the hassle and cost of 2 DNA tests. (Mine was already uploaded to 23andme and GedMatch) My brother understood in my needs in wanting to do this due to my circumstances regarding my “Story”.  My only purpose was to upload my brothers DNA to GedMatch and we would be able to use the “One to One” compare feature comparing our KIT #’s and BOOM… I could print this out, and compose a letter and mail it to my birth father. Once and for all we would have proof and he couldn’t say we weren’t his. DNA doesn’t lie. Now that doesn’t mean anything would change with him, but I hung on to the little piece of hope that maybe DNA PROOF would maybe change something, after all he said over and over, “What are we going to do, get a DNA test 40 years later?”.

Well, as a matter of a fact…

 I mail my brothers DNA off to AncestryDNA and the waiting begins. 2 days after Christmas his results come in. Dec 27th I uploaded his DNA to Gedmatch and I waited a day to make sure they results were fully uploaded and in the system.

As I compare the “One to One” feature I couldn’t believe what I found.

“No shared DNA segments found”

I tried it again, and again and again.

“No shared DNA segments found”

I got the same thing every time.

“No shared DNA segments found”

NO WAY!

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My first thoughts were, “There is no way I’m believing this. This has to be a mistake” but deep down my heart sunk. I reached out to a few ladies I’m close with that were more familiar with DNA than I am and they both confirmed that the results are true.

I refused to accept this.

I called my brother a few days later, and I shared the news with him. HONESTY IS EVREYTHING EVEN IF IT HURTS! He also refused to accept this. We did not believe these results. I had many people say, “The DNA test could have been faulty”. Well, if there was even a TINY chance the DNA test was faulty I was running with that, and so was my brother.

I mean we are NOT ACCEPTING THIS!

All the adoptee “fears” come rushing in. Thoughts like “I knew I was going to lose him too” and “I always knew he was going to disappear too”. The enemy was having a field day with me. I was NOT accepting this.

It was obvious that the next move was the prove weather his test was faulty or not. So in order to do that, I started to contact his highest DNA matches on Ancestry DNA to find out some of their surnames and see if I can make connections to his mother’s side. If I was able to make DNA connections to his mother’s side, than that would mean the test is not a faulty one.

Of course we want the test to be faulty!!!

As a few days pass, and I explain to my brother what I’m doing and make sure he is okay with it, I uncovered his DNA has many ties to his mother’s side which indeed was proof his DNA was not a faulty one.

HEARTBROKEN AGAIN!

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS TAKEN FROM ME! EVERYTHING REGARDING MY ADOPTION EXPERIENCE EQUALS GRIEF, LOSS & TRAUMA!

Deep down I was…

And I still am…

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This is the most devastating news to me, and it seems there isn’t anyone in the world at this point that can relate to the deep level of pain and sadness I am experiencing regarding this matter. I cried for 3 days straight before I could even tell my brother.

So what does this mean? I was able to trace my DNA connections to J.J. my biological father which means if I share DNA with J.J. and my brother and I share no DNA J.J. is not his biological father. What turns out to be something that started out so simple turned into something far more that what we ever expected. I was not only experiencing my own shock and sadness, but I was also feeling some major sadness for my brother because now I had to tell him the TRUTH and I know the TRUTH might hurt.

So many dynamics to this situation but the end result is that the TRUTH is ALWAYS better than living a LIE.

I have sat and tried to figure out what God has taught me in this situation… I know there had to be a lesson and some areas I am going to grow in regarding many dynamics to this. One thing that comes to mind is that I have never experienced a DNA felt connection with anyone aside from my kids until I met my brother. Now, knowing he’s not actually DNA connected I can TRULY say I still have a connection to him and for me that’s a big deal. It has helped me learn that I can have a close connection with someone I am not DNA connected too. I had a few close connections growing up with a few of my adoptive family members I was close too, but I never felt similar to anyone until I met my brother.

The other thing that I feel God was teaching me is to share with ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES that DNA TESTING IS CRITICAL! Don’t just assume and go off of what you are told. Even if the reunion seems to be the PERFECT FIT like mine did with my brother, GET DNA TESTING ANYWAY!

I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! GOD HAS THIS HEAVY ON MY HEART TO SHARE! SO MANY LIES AND SECRETS IN ADOPTION, DNA TESTING IS CRITICAL TO CONFIRM! NO MATTER WHAT!

As far as I’m concerned he’s still my brother. I cried and was really upset for about 3 days, and I had to get myself together so I could share this information with my brother. I prayed and I called him.

My fellow adoptees understand the FEARS associated with reunions, and it seemed one of my greatest fears of my brother leaving might be coming true, but I knew I still have to share the truth. I have heard many people say, “Family isn’t always blood, family is what we make it!” and I find this to be true. But as an adoptee that has already lost so much it’s hard to not fear abandonment again. It has happened with every “reunion” I have experienced with ALL biological family members. I have LOST every single one. So naturally based on my experience I am in fear. Maybe my brother will not want to be my brother anymore? Maybe my nieces and nephews won’t want to be in my life anymore, even if they are all far away. I will once again feel all alone in life, and that happy ending wasn’t happy at all. My pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has been snatched away and God didn’t save the best for last, he took the best part of my reunion away. I have felt like this was some evil trick someone played on me.

I had to think about this for a few days. Process everything. I had to feel the emotions and allow myself the room to feel them. I had to cry. I had to cry out to God and ask him to SHOW ME what he is trying to teach me here. I knew there had to be some reasons. 

All those years of my hopes being high for these WONDERFUL DNA relationships, these fantasies of these AMAZING people that I would look like and act like and have so much in common with are really nonexistent and I can’t begin to describe the sadness and loss attached to this disappointment. Of course I had no other options than to believe it would be all wonderful to connect with DNA “Family” because I hadn’t ever experienced it and I always had such a longing to see where I came from and who I looked like. I had HIGH HOPES ALL MY LIFE! After all, “Your birth mother loved your so much” left the imprint deep in my mind all the way back to the first time I heard it that my biological family loved me, and why would they be anything less than wonderful?

Adoption stole A LOT!

I could go on ALL DAY about what has been stolen!

So what do you do when the wall comes tumbling down?

I’M NOT LETTING THE DEVIL STEAL ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME!

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” John 10:10

The devil is not taking my relationship with my brother, or my nieces and nephews. He’s not taking anything else from me. He’s taken my relationships with both birth parents and my birth sister and I’m NOT letting him take my relationship with my brother.

TO HECK WITH THE DEVIL!  HE IS A LIER!

I believe God started preparing this for me early, as I began to build my church family and I started to experience that type of “family” that I had never experienced before. There is nothing like it anywhere and I am not DNA related to any of them. Not DNA from the world anyway. I do share DNA with them regarding us being in the body of Christ together and I must say THEY HAVE SHOWED UP AND SHOWED OUT WHEN NO ONE ELSE HAS! They have shown me the true definition of love, loyalty and what a “Family” is all about. At my church, we call them “Family of Choice”. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I never knew how special and awesome they were until I experienced it. I can share how empty my life was without them. But learning and building these relationships I have TRULY understood and realized family isn’t always blood, but I had to experience this and experience that latter to actually “Get It”. People just telling me that wasn’t helping me. I had to experience it myself.

WE ALL HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THINGS ON OUR OWN!

So today, with the new found results in my life, I can say I’m still sad and I still have fears that my brother is going to disappear being an adoptee I have that fear anyway about everyone   and maybe “Change his mind” about wanting to be my brother. But our last words to each other were, “IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING” And if I have Jesus in me, I have his hope in me too. I am making the choice to hang onto his word and I am NOT letting GO of my relationship with my brother. He is still my brother and I don’t care what DNA says. YES, I am glad we know the truth now because what that means I need to help my brother find his TRUTH!

 “Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE” –John 8:32 is the verse I stand on!

I can’t help but wonder if that is one more reason God put my brother in my life 5 years ago?

As adoptees we receive every little puzzle piece about our lives, any little clue we can get. We piece it together as one overall goal..

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This has let me know that not only adoptees deserve their truth, but EVERYONE deserves their truth. We all deserve to know the answers to the question

“WHO AM I?”

“WHERE DID I COME FROM?” 

I will share as I end, that secrets and lies hurt and they destroy lives. If you are holding back sharing the TRUTH with someone please know that God is a God of TRUTH. Truth means NOTHING HIDDEN. This is why the Adoptee Rights Rally 2016 is so critical!  We all deserve to know our truth no matter how painful it might be. This has literally crushed me, but I would still rather know the truth ANY DAY! What we choose to do with it is our business. I’m praying for everyone involved with adoption realize that secrecy and lies HURT and TRUTH HEALS. We all deserve to know our truth and we all deserve our BIRTH RIGHT so we can move forward and HEAL!

You see, adoption is far more than adopting a beautiful baby to complete a family or to make someones dreams come true to be parents. For adoptees, adoption is rooted in grief, loss & trauma. We have to deal with the life long consequences for decisions that were made for us, decisions we had no choice over and we have little to no support in processing the grief, loss & trauma we face. I have found that societies ignorance to this grief, loss & trauma has only stalled and prolonged adoptees in receiving truth & healing. I’m praying more and more adoptees speak up and speak out and society starts to open their eyes, ears and hearts to receive what adoptees have to say.

If there is anyone on earth that is for TRUTH & HEALING it’s

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Thanks for reading.

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

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Never give up hope in finding your family. You aren’t alone! Can you relate to this blog post? If so please comment, share and let me know your thoughts.

 

Adoptee Rights Rally Petition Signing Party!

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

$11 Could Change Everything!!! 

If we could all consider this, we would have our 100,000 signatures in no time.

We need 100,000 Signatures For the for the President to enact an Executive Order which would restore the Original Birth Certificate to every ADULT ADOPTEE in America in one fell swoop because it is a civil and constitutional right! This seems like such a HUGE number but if we break this down this is what it looks like.

We already have 15,000 signatures so we are only seeking 85,000 more.

I spent $11 yesterday making 100 copies of the petition, and 20 copies of the Adoptee Restoration Act. I purchased one small pack of file folders. I’m putting 1 Adoptee Restoration Act and 5 Petition sheets in each, along with my contact information via a business card, but could be as simple as a label or your name and number written across the top.

I’m also including a personal letter from me into each petition packet, because as we share a piece of our hearts it seems peoples heart strings get pulled and they are more likely to sign and even get on board with adoptee rights. Here is a sample of my letter. Feel free to use it or ask me for a copy and I can email it to you, and you can change it around to suit you and your experience. I will be hand signing each one and include one in each file folder with the Adoptee Restoration Act and 5 petition sheets.

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Over the next week I’m building my own campaign team in my area reaching out to my fellow adoptees who are local first. I already have 3 signed up to help. Next I will be reaching out to my close friends (have no family here) but I have plenty of people who claim to “Love Me” so I plan on taking advantage of that and asking them to HELP ME! 🙂

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You can find both the petition sheet and the Adoptees Restoration Act sheet on the Adoption Alarm Website  website under “Document Library”

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If I find 20 people to help and ask them to fill 5 sheets each, that’s 50 signatures each. Multiply that by 20 and I will have 1000 signatures myself.  All I’m doing is reaching out to my local people and ask if the would like to get on board and help this cause. Even people that aren’t adoptees would like to help because they might have someone impacted by adoption in their life. Some businesses would like to help and maybe sponsor us.

If we need 85,000 signatures that means if 85 people step up and take on this challenge to create their own local teams we would have all our signatures in the next few months. If we can double that to 170 people taking this challenge we would only need to get 500 signatures each which would make it even quicker and faster to gain these signatures.

85 people is not a lot!

If we split that load in half  that would be 170 people. The price would be $6 each to print the supplies. 

WE CAN DO THIS! 

It cost me $11 and a little time, and networking locally but in the process I will get my name out there for a great cause, and hopefully inform more people about the rally and what’s is involved with it. Each person we contact is one person we can share our desire WHY this is so important to so many adoptees all over the world!

ALL WE CAN DO IS TRY!!!!!!! If we commit to trying, we can keep track of how many signature sheets we have here and motivate and inspire one another. We can share who we have targeted in our area and how their response was to helping.

I’m asking for all those reading if they would commit to getting on board and helping with the Adoptee Rights Rally from the comfort of your own home and town. This offer is for EVERYONE who is reading this. No one person is excluded. If we get more signatures, that’s even better.

If you would commit and join our Adoptee Rights Petition Signing Party PLEASE make a commitment, you can email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com or comment on this blog post. You can send me a Facebook Message and you can also share this challenge with all those you know and love. Feel free to share it, copy and paste it or whatever you need to do to get the word out there.

Blessings,

Pamela Karanova, Lexington, KY

Adoptee Rights Rally 2016

Campaign Team, Media & PR

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Trust & Adoptee in Recovery

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

“The Bible doesn’t command we trust people, it commands we trust God. It’s critical we know the difference.” – Unknown

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How does it feel to live a life based on marginal deception?

Ask an Adoptee!

Trust is something many people struggle with, but me being an adoptee I am sharing from an adoptees perspective.

My perspective.

Having your life based on shame and secrecy, never knowing your [His] Story or [Her] Story left me feeling isolated, alone and unwanted. It left me feeling like there was something wrong with me because if there wasn’t why wasn’t I getting the truth about WHO I WAS? Why did I have to come up against the world and the closed adoption laws in order to find my truth only leaving me with more feelings of lonesomeness, unwantedness and isolation.

I never received the full TRUTH, nothing but the TRUTH, so help you God…

WHY?

Why was the person closest to me lying to me to benefit herself?

Why was there such sugar coating going on? 

Was it to make me “FEEL BETTER?” or protect me? 

I was getting watered down versions of why I was adopted in the first place. I was fed lies about my birth mother and how she “Loved me so much, she gave me away to be raised by someone else”.

I made that “Someone Else’s” dreams come true at being a mother, and she was very clear how happy she was I was adopted by her, and my birth mother gave me away for her to raise specifically because she couldn’t have babies of her own. I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

“Your birth mother loved you so much, I love her too because she made my dreams come true to be a mother. This is why she gave you to me to raise.” – Adoptive Mom,1979

I was purchased at a cash price for $24,000.00 so someone’s dream could come true. 

The lies associated with this transaction have hurt me deeply.

As early as I can remember my adoptive mom was talking to me about how she never wanted to go to a nursing home and how my birth mother made her dreams come true. As I grew up and grew into my own woman, things started falling into place as to what her motives were in adopting in the first place. Not only did adopting give her a ticket to being a mother, but it also gave her a ticket to never having to go to a nursing home. This is something she never stopped talking about, it’s almost like she obsesses over it.  During my history with her, (see this blog post for details) The Narcissistic Manic Depressive Schizophrenic Adoptive Mom it’s clear that her intentions to adopt were not for me the child, but to only benefit herself. This has left me feeling even more used and lied too, manipulated and the whole 9 yards when it comes to feeling like a piece of property than a human being. I was a child that needed a mothers love, but I never did recieve it.

My trust for people on this earth is limited to very few people, let me share why. 

When I trust, it has to be earned. Once you earn  and prove you are trust worthy we are good. One thing I see people, (adopted or not) fretting about is “I don’t trust people, I have trust issues!”.. Well, I don’t see whats so wrong with that considering our lives experiences have brought us to this point.

Which brings me to my next point. 

As long as I trust God, I am good.

I don’t need to trust everyone.

Who says we need to trust everyone anyway?

Who believes that?

Who’s rule is that? 

Closed Records in Adoption Laws have a lot to do with this. How can a LAW prevent me from knowing MY TRUTH and how can the WORLD support such activity? This lets me know that so many people all around are supporting a corrupt industry and this has hurt me DEEPLY as well as thousands and thousands of my fellow adoptees.

Yes I am an advocate for CHANGE for adoption laws to let adoptees have access to their Original Birth Certificates but more so I’m an advocate for TRUTH. What is the opposite of TRUTH?

Lies & Fiction…

How would you feel if your life was surrounded by lies & fiction and those closest to you supported it?

When your life is surrounded by lies and fiction it’s almost impossible to trust people so our trust issues stem from something we had no control over but I find them to be very legitimate and valid.

I say to my fellow adoptees, don’t beat yourself up because you have trust issues. It’s natural to have them considering our circumstances.

I will share that trusting God is more important than trusting people any day.

When I trust people and they break that trust it’s next to impossible to trust again. I am speaking for myself. I consider myself a very honest and trust worthy person and I expect the same in return, especially anyone that is close to me. If you lie to me, I will forgive you and even give you another chance but if you lie again you might as well forget ever having a chance to lie again. Reconciliation is next to impossible. I can’t tolerate liers and lying hurts me very deeply.

I speak a lot about the Rally adoptees are fighting to receive our Original Birth Certificates. This is HUGE to so many of us, and I still see so many people cast judgement on us (adoptees) for embarking on the fight for TRUTH and so many say we need to just get over it, move on and let it go.

If shame, secrecy and lies and dishonesty surrouned your entire life, and it impacted you greatly and continues to impact not only you, but your children and your future grandchildren would you just move on and get over it?

NO! 

You would join the fight in the rally for truth. So you see so much secrecy and lies, shame and guilt and lies in adoption, even down to us fighting for what is rightfully ours, yet our society who is filled with non-adoptees haven’t even taken a stand with us to find our truth. How could this be? How can so many people know that the adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non adoptees, yet sit back and do NOTHING?

This is why I share my voice and experience. Someone has to speak up for the hurting adoptees who haven’t found their voice yet, the adoptees who are in such pain they are on the brinks of SUICIDE and they can’t TRUST ANYONE because the WORLD keeps lying to them.

This is serious folks.

While I don’t trust people unless they earn it, I TRUST GOD!

John 8:32 says “Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you free!”.

You are either for TRUTH or you are against it!

Falsifying documents, changing names and identities, and keeping medical records a secret is not rallying for TRUTH.

I will gain more trust in people as people begin to help adoptees bring the TRUTH to LIGHT.

Until then, I will focus my trust on God, because Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Thanks for reading.

Pamela A. Karanova

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Adult Adoptee, Reunited

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Facebook: Pamela Karanova

Photo Credit: freedigitalphoto.net

By: Stuart Miles

The Value of a Memory

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova5 Comments

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory” – Dr. Suess 

The holidays have passed and I’m thankful they are over. I feel like 2015 was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life which means 2016 is probably going to be OUTSTANDING!

I can only hope and I’m expecting nothing LESS! It’s nice to have a new year to start over with new things, but I would like to think I have that chance every single day, because I do. We all do. But there is something about turning over a YEAR to a NEW YEAR that is fascinating to everyone.

New hopes, new dreams, new goals, new memories to be made, with hopefully some new and old people.

NEW BEGINNINGS.

That’s exciting, right? Or at least it should be.

What happens when you don’t have the memories like most people do? What happens when there are no memories? What happens when you have a few memories and look forward to making up for lost memories but that is shattered with lies being uncovered for TRUTH. There is no future for some memories. What happens when you see other people gloat over their memories with loved ones, and you have nothing to gloat over?  Do they realize how much a memory means? Just one memory is EVERYTHING to some of us, yet others have years and years of memories, yet they are mourning because someone is gone, yet they have all the memories to remember them by?

How do I mourn over someone when I have many memories with them? At least I have the memories to cherish. At least I have something to hold onto. Yet I’m supposed to cry invisible silent dry tears for those who I didn’t get any memories with? Or wait, my right to cry dry invisible tears for my first family was taken from me, because I spent 38 years being told I should be thankful, grateful and I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

For me a memory is everything. Having memories that are nonexistent have made me cherish the memories that do exist, and it’s helped me to learn that TIME makes MEMORIES and some TIMES we are denied TIME with those who should be the closest to us.

It’s hard to see people mourn about the loss of loved ones when at least they have MEMORIES with them. Some of us don’t get that and we aren’t allowed to mourn the loss. Let me just say, today and for the rest of my life I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my losses and mourn for all the lost memories that never will be and all the time that was stolen never to return. Crying over memories that don’t even exist?

YES! That’s right! I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my loss of memories that will never exist. Since no one else in the world would allow me this right, I’m giving it to myself. I have a right to mourn the loss of never having one Sunday dinner with my grandparents. I have the right to mourn the loss of never having a generational picture of my birth mother, and her mother and her mother. I have the right to grieve the loss that I will never have a memory of having my grandmother teach me her favorite recipes, or having special talks about life and love.  I’m giving myself the right to mourn the memory of spending one mothers day with my birth mother or a fathers day with my birth father. I mourn the loss of never having a memory to celebrate one single birthday in my life with my birth parents, the 2 who created me. I have a lot of mourning to do.

I cherish the memories I have with people because to me, in the end that’s all that matters.

There is nothing more valuable on the earth to me than time, and memories. There really is nothing of monetary value in this world that excites me. I could have the biggest most expensive house, car and watch and clothes, or the least of all those things and still feel the same way. None of it makes me happy.

Memories with those I love make me happy. Memories with those close to me makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Pictures that are a reminder of memories make me happy. Sharing feelings and thoughts make me happy. Talks make me happy. Sunrises and sunsets make me happy. Spending TIME makes me happy. There is nothing of monetary value that makes me as happy as time which makes memories. Another thing that makes me happy is when people share feelings about me, us or life. Life talks make memories.

I saw a quote once, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”- Author Unknown

Adoptees are left with no treasures. 

So much lost in adoption, but the memories has been hard for me to just “GET OVER”. But I have learned NOTHING in ADOPTION is something we can just GET OVER. We have to process things, so here I am processing.

At least with so much LOST never to return, I DO KNOW THE TRUE VALUE OF TIME AND MEMORIES. Holidays are always a reminder there will never be a holiday with my birth mother or birth father or biological grandparents. Not one memory exists and it never will.  If you have even ONE memory with your FAMILY even when you fight, carry on and can’t stand one another remember some of us never get even one memory with our biological parents, or biological grandparents.

The memory bank is zero. 

This is why I know the TRUE Value of a MEMORY. 

Yes people can say, “Oh, so and so is like family”. Nice thought but it’s not the same. I love you for hoping it is, but until you experience it you can’t compare.

Today I remain thankful for my kids, my church family, my far away adoptive and biological family I have relationships with. I hold you all close to my heart.

For my adoptee family, I love you all! I know you get it! 

I can say learning the true value of time and memories has helped me in many ways. I’m content with the simple things in life. I don’t need fancy things. I love simplicity and “things” don’t make me happy. I would say that’s a pretty good quality to have. My kids say I’m cheap, they make fun of me for being frugal. But I say why buy something at the mall for 3x as much money when I can buy it at Goodwill for $4 and it all brings me the same amount of happiness? Why shop at the mall when yard sales are much more exciting?

So you see, the value of a memory has pros and cons. TODAY I will focus on the PRO’S because focusing on the CON’S doesn’t bring me happiness.

Time and memories bring me happiness.

For those who have memories with loved ones, never underestimate the value of time and a memory. We can’t take the rest with us. Some of us aren’t so fortunate to have something so many take for granted.

Are you an adoptee and have a special value for time and memories? What about pictures? Am I the only adoptee who feels this way? Have you allowed yourself the right to grieve over the loss of so many memories you will never have that so many others take for granted?

Allow yourself to grieve and mourn what will never be. What was lost never to return. You have every right to grieve over the family and memories you lost. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. And remember, time does NOT heal all wounds. Grieving your losses in healthy ways, sharing feelings and acknowledging your feelings allowing yourself the right to grieve heals your wounds. It does take time, but it’s not going to go away by letting time pass and not addressing these things.

Yes, I’m in my feelings but that’s OK!

Join our all adoptee group for Grief, Loss & Trauma by sending me a message. The only way to join is invite only, I would be happy to invite you!

Thanks for reading.

P.Karanova.

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Best Articles for Adoptees- 2015 Round Up

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment

Excited that I was featured in adoption.com and nominated as one of the best articles for adoptees for 2015.

CAN YOU CELEBRATE WITH ME?!

CHEERS TO RINGING IN 2016

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I must admit the end of 2015 had turned out pretty somber for me. A future blog post will explain why, yes it is adoptee related. More heartache and heartbreak to add to the list of “WHY?”.

But God had a way of bringing things back to light for me by a fellow adoptee pointing out I was featured on adoption.com for the second time this year! The article shares my previous interview with adoptive mom, Denalee Chapman back in Feb 2015.

“In the adoption community, adoptees are celebrated! But not every adoptee feels like celebrating. Some grew up knowing they were adopted, others were shocked when they were told. An advocate for the truth and for healing, Pamela is an adoptee who is now in “recovery.”  She shares the importance of honesty—regardless of the emotions it may evoke—from the beginning. Having had to search and research, dig, and work hard, Pamela has only ever wanted the truth. She knows that finding the truth is the impetus to beginning the healing process.” – Denalee Chapman, Writer Adoption.com

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I can tell you I have so much to be thankful for but receiving some really tough news a few days after Christmas I was pretty down. This gave me a glimmer of hope and lifted my spirits in a way that only my fellow adoptees might understand. It let me know my pain is not going to be wasted and that YES people are reading, listening and learning and most importantly adoptees that have difficult stories are getting heard and our feelings are getting acknowledged, finally. It seems for centuries the only adoptee stories that were welcome by the world were the happy stories, and there was no room left for our grief, loss and trauma involved.

I’m honored to be the voice for so many adoptees that haven’t found their voice yet, especially the young adoptees who have no choice in sharing their voice. I’m honored to be not only on a rally for our OBC but it’s also a rally for TRUTH. We all deserve to know our truth. We all deserve to know where we come from. I love connecting with adoptees all over the world! Remember you aren’t alone, you matter and your feelings matter! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Lexington, KY

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You will find thousands of adoptees at “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?”

How Does it Feel to be Adopted?

I Nominate YOU!- How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Photo Challenge

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova1 Comment

ADOPTEES

I NOMINATE YOU!

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ADOPTED PHOTO CHALLENGE:

NAAM is over, but raising awareness on how it feels to be adopted is not.

Why would adoptees waste their time on such a challenge?

Well it’s simple, we’ve been silent for far too long. Our voices matter and there is no better way to bring awareness than stepping out of the box and raising our voices to sing a tune only adoptees can sing. This Photo Challenge is for all the adoptees who feel isolated, alone and like they don’t fit in. It’s for the adoptees who feel like they don’t matter. It’s for all the adoptees fighting for their truth. It’s for all the adoptees who want to network with other adoptees. Its for all the adoptees who have happiness and pain attached to their adoptee experience but the world will only allow them to share their happiness. We know your pain is real, and very valid. It’s time healing start to happen for all of us.

No adoptee should be left behind! 

WE HAVE TO RISE UP AS A ADOPTEE COMMUNITY BECAUSE AS WE SHARE OUR PHOTOS, WORDS, AND FACES WE BAN TOGETHER SO THE WORLD CAN SEE WE AREN’T ALONE & OUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. 

LET’S UNITE & SHARE WITH THE WORLD HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED! 

WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER!  


☆This photo challenge is for all the non-adoptees who want to learn how we feel. ☆

Adoptees, I would love to feature your photo on our Facebook,How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? Twitter Adoptee Reality and Instagram HDIFTBA Instagram & Blog HDIFTBA BLOG The only guidelines is that you hash tag ‪#‎HDIFTBA‬ on your actual photo, and use the space to share how it feels to be adopted. I want your face in the photo. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Whatever you want the world to know about how it feels to be adopted, it can be one word or many! It can be happy or sad. All your feelings are welcome, I just ask no curse words in order for us to post. Black marker can be seen easier, but feel free to use rainbow colors or be creative!

PLEASE TAG AS MANY ADOPTEES AS POSSIBLE AS YOU UPLOAD YOUR PHOTO TO SOCIAL MEDIA AND WE WILL DO THE SAME. USE HASHTAG #HDIFTBA so we can find one another!

Please email your photo to pamelakaranova@gmail.com OR Send them to our inbox on our Facebook Fan Page by clicking this link How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

Are you ready???

Let’s Go!!!!

‪#‎adoptee‬ ‪#‎adoption‬ #HDIFTBA ‪#‎adopt‬ ‪#‎adoptees‬#adopting ‪#‎adopted‬‪#‎adoptedchild‬ ‪#‎adultadoptee‬#whoami‪#‎howdoesitfeeltobeadopted‬#photochallenge @pwishes <—- Follow me on Insta!!!

HDIFTBA Photo Challenge

Shoot me a message if you have any questions!

Tag every adoptee you know as you share your photo, and don’t forget to put hashtag #HDIFTBA on the photo itself and as you upload it to your social media.

If you have any questions contact me here or Facebook at Pamela Karanova

You can also email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Many Blessings to YOU! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee

 

LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

We’ve heard it all for centuries, especially in the adoption community.

“ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE”

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Well I’m here to express my desire to not only have love but my truth. Love wasn’t all I needed.

I needed my truth

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN

Yes, you guessed it. I’m an adult adoptee who has grown into my own woman. I have developed my own opinion, and I have been on a healing journey for 3 years now, attempting to heal from the lifelong struggles being adopted have brought my way. When I was growing up you weren’t supposed to talk about it. The less adoptive parents talked about it the better. Well, that was probably the worst advice that could have ever been given to adoptive parents.

TODAY…

I don’t have to be quiet, because it’s not a secret anymore. It might have been in the 1970’s but those days are over.

John 8:32 Says, “We shall know our TRUTH, and our TRUTH shall set us free”.

This scripture is what I stand on for all adoptees all over the world that are fighting to find their truths.

Love is good. Love is great.  Love isn’t everything. Love definitely wins. But Love isn’t all I needed.

I believe all adoptees are different. Some are perfectly content with not knowing who they look like or where they come from. They don’t need to know their answers. A lot of times adoptive parents come to me and say, “Jonny is fine with being adopted, I ask him how he feels and he says “Fine”, and he never brings it up. He appears to be happy.”

I think parents, adopted or not naturally want to protect their kids. I find this to come natural as a parent of 3 children. I would never want my poor kid’s hearts broken, but the truth is when you adopt a child, you adopt their broken, tainted, tore history while you adopt them. You also adopt the beautiful history some of us have.  It’s a part of them. I believe when you adopt a child, you have to accept this as a part of the child, and learn that there will be a day that child will start asking questions about their first family. They deserve to know their truth.

If LOVE was all I needed I would have been in great shape growing up. I believe with my entire heart that my adoptive parents and family LOVED me with everything they knew how. I have always been closer to my adoptive dad, yet he has always been so far away. But he’s been amazing. His wife, my step mother of over 35 years has also loved me the best way she knew how. We’ve all had a roller coaster ride over the years, but at the end of the day I know they have loved me, and they haven’t lied to me to gain anything. I respect them for that.

I still needed all the answers to my history. I needed my truth. I needed to know who my siblings were. I wanted to meet my biological grandparents. I have searched for every clue to WHO I AM and learned that I’m not like anyone of them! I’m the child God created me to be, but I needed to know and see this for myself. I needed to make the choices on my own, without everyone telling me and making the choice for me.

Saying “Love is all we need” is like putting a band-aide on our wounds. They are still deep down there and will surface as root issues later on in life.

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 THE TRUTH HAS HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET.

I experienced failed reunions and rejection from both birth parents, yet I am happy every day I got one AMAZING brother out of the deal, and his AWESOME siblings have accepted me as their own.  I will always be grateful for them, and their relationships. ALTHOUGH THE TRUTH HURT, I WOULD RATHER KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, AND BE ABLE TO HEAL THROUGH JESUS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE!!!!

We can’t heal if we don’t know our truth.

If I can share something with all my fellow adoptees out there, I would like to say to never give up hope in finding your truth and as much as it hurts to say, be prepared for anything. Most of the time relinquishment isn’t a “Pretty Story”.  I most certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from searching, but reach out to another adoptee that can pray for you, or help walk you through the emotions of the reunion and search experience.

My reunion doesn’t define me. My biological parents don’t define me. My adoptive parents don’t define me. My history doesn’t define me.

They are indeed a part of my Her [Story] – History! 

WHO I AM IN JESUS DEFINES ME!

I learned I’m really not like anyone, yet God made me (and YOU) special and unique in his own way. After learning what I know about my birth parents, TODAY I’m extremely thankful I’m not like any of them. The difference is, I know JESUS and neither of them did/do. I have his peace. I don’t have to drink today to handle these emotions, and the pain that goes along with this journey. Being adopted is a lifelong thing, it doesn’t just go away. This is something I will be working through for the rest of my life.

LOVE IS GREAT & LOVE WINS

But LOVE isn’t all I needed.

I needed my TRUTH

I thank GOD today, I’m no longer fighting for my truth.

How do my fellow adoptees feel?

Is love all you need?

Pamela A. Karanova,

Adult Adoptee Reunited

Don’t forget this article along with all my other articles are available in audio for your convenience, just look up Pamela A. Karanova Podcast on Google Podcasts, iTunes , Spotify. and Amazon Music. Interested in treating me with a coffee, to add fuel to my fire? Click here. Many thanks in advance to my supporters!

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Fear of the Unknown & Random Adoptee Feelings

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova6 Comments

I decided to write today because I have a lot coming up and a lot on my mind. This is my safe place, so here I am. No one can tell me how to feel here, and no one can interrupt me. No one can silence me by throwing scriptures at me. It’s a great feeling to have this safe place! All adoptees need a safe place!

My “Birth” day is in 6 days. My Sobriety “Birth” day is in 5 days. My Testimony at Celebrate Recovery is in 13 days. My mind is racing and the devil is doing a number on me because he doesn’t want to see me make it to my 3 year sobriety. He doesn’t want me to make it to give my testimony, and he loves to see me in total sadness about my “birth” day.  It’s just ridiculous but I do have hope that if God can heal my broken heart he can heal the way I feel about my birthday! I’m just not there yet!

I still have to write about how God healed my broken heart from my adoption experience, and what the tools were that worked from me. I am going to write about it soon! I promise. It’s good stuff!

What I am realizing that there is more to it, than just my broken heart. I have always struggled with my birthday. I know my fellow adoptees get it. Putting on a smile for the world, when the deep pain and sadness has to be hidden to make other’s feel comfortable. I’ve decided I’m going to try to do something nice for myself each day until it passes. Like go buy a slurpie from the gas station, and take a ride with the sunroof open. Or go for a walk by myself. Go to a few yard sales, or shop at Goodwill. (yes I said it. I am frugal, I’m not ashamed!) Maybe even go to a few coffee shops, or for a walk in a park. Whatever makes me feel better about the day I lost everything.

If you are an adoptee and you struggle with your birthday please leave me a comment, so non adoptees don’t think I’m crazy or just being negative please?

Honestly, why do I even care about what others think? I thought I was going to stop doing that! I guess I’ve been so conditioned to “feel” a certain way about being adopted, that when I share my TRUTH it still seems surreal to be able to do it, not just with my fellow adoptees but with everyone.  I’m working hard at not caring what others think, and just share my truth.

My truth is as soon as August approaches I start to get really sad, down and disconnected with everything around me. My birthday is a very painful day for me, so are the weeks that approach it. If I could just “get over it” I would. Don’t you think I would rather be happy on that day? Do you think if I could just make that choice, I would? I feel like there is some unfinished business of healing in that area that I need to do, because usually that’s why we stay in pain. Unfinished deep healing of wounds from our past. I know God heals and I know he will heal me also! I look forward to the day where I can write as I CELEBRATE the DAY I WAS BORN!

What I think of during the days that lead to my birthday is what my birth mother went through at that time. How she felt. What happened the day I was born? Was she sad that day? Was she happy to get it over with and move on with her life? Did she ever hold me? Did she name me? What was the atmosphere in the room like that day? Was she at peace with her decision? As my mind races with these thoughts, it consumes my mind August 1st-Aug 13th. By August 14th I’m better, and I don’t think much about that day for 11 more months. It’s definitely a cycle, because it’s done this every year my entire life. I used to drink, and of course that numbed the reality of the pain I was facing. Soon I will reach 3 years sobriety, and the pain has never been more real.

I like to think of adoptees as “Special Needs”. I can speak for myself on that, because I am definitely a special needs person. Working through my 2nd step study in Celebrate Recovery I’ve discovered more deep rooted issues regarding my adoption experience. The fact that anything in the “UNKNOWN” realm is something I don’t take well AT ALL!!!  UNKNOWN is uncertainty, and I have lived almost all of my years on this earth not knowing what is going on about MY LIFE!!!! PEOPLE chose for me, and NOW that I’m able to choose for myself I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. AT ALL TIMES. I have to plan everything to a tee, and if I don’t I get fearful and it’s not a good place for me to be. This is all rooted in fear, and I know where it comes from. I know hundreds of adoptees who have the same issues.  So when I plan it leads to confirmation, of what’s next. I know what to expect, I know what’s going to happen. I know where I’m going and when I need to be there. I’m on schedule, I’m on task, I’m not late, and I know where I need to be at all times.

What does the UNKNOWN feel like? What does UNCERTANTY feel like? Well it takes me back to my childhood when I felt like I was an alien on this planet, not knowing where to turn or where to go. It takes me to searching for my biological family everywhere I went but never knowing who they were or where they were. It takes me to the lies people told me to benefit themselves. There are lots of lies and secrets in this adoption thing, and that is certain. The UNKNOWN takes me to a state of fear I don’t want to be in.

I took a trip this past week. I realized it was going to be harder than expected because I had to release ALL CONTROL to God and everything about the trip was uncertain, and unknown. I took it as a challenge, for me to be able to take this trip, and I tried to look at it as a way for me to get closer to God, and for me to release my control to him and just know that he was going to take care of everything. It was very difficult for me to do this. I know this isn’t only a struggle for adoptees, but for people in general. But I speak from an adoptees standpoint. It was extremely difficult but I made it! Adapting to my surroundings and nothing was familiar surrounded me with everything being uncertain, or unknown.  IT WAS HARD!

I’m a very simple person. I don’t need fancy things to make me happy. I’m not into material things. I love simplicity. I love nature, being outside, the sun rises and the sunsets & the sky. I could be as happy in an efficiency apartment as I would be in a huge 5 bedroom house filled with material things. Things don’t float my boat. I’m more of a time person, because in this adoption thing so much time has been lost, never to return. Time spent and memories made and pictures to prove it are things I hold close to my heart.

As I venture through the next 2 weeks of my life, and overcome the challenges that come my way (as they always do in August) I’m very sensitive with people leaving me at this particular time. I say “Leaving Me”, yet they might just be going away for a few days. With my birth mother “Leaving Me” at this time 41 years ago, I find people leaving a trigger, so I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from everyone I can. I’m safer that way.  It would be nice if someone understood this, but so far the only people that get it are my fellow adoptees, and God. I know he gets it. I know this is another part of my “Special Needs”.  I can’t expect anyone to really understand, unless they have been through it.

As for celebrating my sobriety “birth “day which falls the day before my legal birthday it’s pretty difficult for me. The birthday pain overpowers the joy of the sobriety birthday and I’m holding onto hope that this will change. I WISH I COULD ERASE THE DAY I WAS BORN. To me, this seems like it would solve everything.. But I can’t. I know in my heart of hearts, God planned me to be here so I’m here. I’m stuck. I can’t go back unless he says it’s my time. I can’t wait for that time by the way, no more adoptee pain.

For now, I will share my feelings here, and let all the other adoptees know that healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Using alcohol to numb my pain for 25+ years only delayed my healing. In order to truly heal, I had to fight kicking and screaming to gain my TRUTH (it’s hard when the world is lying to you!) and once that happened, I decided alcohol wasn’t going to help me heal so I had to make the choice to let it go. But you see finding my TRUTH I found out both my birth parents were alcoholics, and this was a major eye opener for me to want to make the change for myself and for my kids. It was the best decision I ever made, BUT dealing with the aftermath of lies, secrets, and trauma that is ignored in adoption it’s taken me years to get to a point where I can share my feelings, and not be scared of what people will think.

If my blog can help one adoptee, it’s worth it. Writing is healing to me. Sharing my feelings is healing to me. Knowing other adoptees understand and I’m not alone is healing to me. If you have made it this far, thanks for being a part of my “Adoptee In Recovery” journey!

Next: I’m going to write a letter to my birth mother. I want to let her know a few things, and to share what’s on my heart a week before my birthday. I will share it in my next blog post. Ta Ta for now.

To my fellow adoptees, never give up HOPE in finding your TRUTH!!!! ❤

Pamela Karanova, Reunited Adult Adoptee

@freesimplyme

http://www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

Pamela Karanova: Welcoming the REAL TRUE ME!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova11 Comments

I’m coming out of the anonymous ADOPTEE CLOSET!

Yesterday was a BIG day for me!

For those that don’t know, I’ve always blogged under an Alias. My reason is because I have never wanted to hurt my adoptive family, or biological family’s feelings by sharing my truth.

Let’s just face the facts. Growing up in a closed adoption is everything  but normal!

I’ve been working through my second step study in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry I’m very involved in. Through this ministry God has moved mountains in my life! I’ve been able to work through some deep rooted things I thought I was going to take to my grave. But God had other plans for me. I don’t know what I would do without my step study sisters! They are amazing and they have helped me so much.

By working through these “things” I’ve been given a new confidence about myself. I’ve been given more of God’s grace to work through my issues. I’ve been able to feel strong enough that I don’t have to hide behind an alias anymore. This is a PRETTY FREEING FEELING!

Ever since I’ve been sharing my adoptee feelings, I’ve basically been living a double life. “Pamela Jones” was the adult adoptee, hurt, broken, angry, and very wounded from her adoptee experience. Pamela is my adoptive first name. Jones was the “Pen Name” I chose. I picked Jones because it was my biological father’s last name. His rights were stolen in the 70’s and my birth mother signed me over, without his consent. I have always had a strong disliking for my adoptive last name, it just never fit me. It actually despised it. It linked me to a whole lot of pain growing up. As I chose “Jones” to write under, it had a nice ring to it. It was my TRUE last name, but there is one problem. My birth father never accepted me as his so why would I really want his last name? It worked for 3 years. I hid behind it for 3 years. I made a lot of adult adoptee friends behind “Pamela Jones”, hundreds to be exact. I created an anonymous online name for myself, and it was a way of protecting my true self from those who might not agree with me. It was a way to hide behind my TRUTH. I had many adoptive and biological parents lash out at me for creating “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” so the “Pen Name” protected me from a lot of things. The most important to me, it protected my adoptive parents, specifically my adoptive dad whom I adore from every finding out how I truly feel. I have never wanted to break his heart.

I woke up a few days ago, realizing that if I desire TRUTH in adoption for all adoptees, I owe myself, my fellow adoptees, and the WORLD to know who I truly am! No more hiding. No more secrets. No more being scared of what those close to me will think. This has been a huge decision for me. But without God and his grace, I never would have been able to make this decision. His Grace, has brought a whole new perspective to my life. I believe Pamela Jones was there for me to process my anger, rage, and really deep raw feelings. I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT because you CAN’T HEAL unless you do. I don’t want to erase Pamela Jones. She was part of my life. She helped me get through some really deep dark times. All you have to do is look over the last 3 years of blog posts. You will read heartache after heartache in my writings. But if I could tell my fellow adoptees one thing, it’s going THROUGH the pain, CAN AND WILL bring you freedom. But we have to go through the pain.

As I write to my blog readers and the world today, I’m here to share my REAL TRUE identity. I’m here to tell you where I REALLY live. I’m here to invite you all to join me in the next level of my adoptee healing, and recovery journey. The one to FREEDOM. One of my favorite quotes is:

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it!”.

WOW WOW WOW! To all my fellow adoptees reading this, WE MADE IT! WE SURVIVED! How amazing is that in itself!

My true identity is “Pamela Karanova”. On my 40th Birthday I made the decision to legally change my last name. The name I was given at birth- I hated it! It was nothing personal against the family who gave me the name but it never fit me. It tied me to the city and town I grew up in, where I have so many bad memories. I just didn’t want the name anymore. So I prayed and asked God to help me come up with a new last name. I wanted it to be unique and pretty, just for me!

He gave me the verses, Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”

The word “PURE” stood out.

Then he gave me the verse. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!”

The word “NEW” stood out.

I looked up the meanings to “Pure” & “New” and “K A R A N O V A “ was born!

I wanted to make sure no one else had the name, or it wasn’t common so I Googled it, and didn’t find much at all aside from “Kara Nova” who happens to be a “Pole Dancer”. LOL

This change and the new name has a very BIG significant meaning to me. Not only in my adoptee world and journey, but in my Christian journey as well. Today I’m not the person I used to be. God has recreated me to be the person HE intends for me to be and I believe the new name is a symbol of the NEW ME.

My fellow adoptees can relate to the name change in the adoptee aspect. I feel so much was taken and stolen, lost never to be found again. PEOPLE made this choice for me. They erased my history! I had no choice! They gave me a new “fake” name & a new “fake” birth certificate! PEOPLE of the world have even tried to control how I feel about it, “JUST BE THANKFUL” using the WORD as a weapon to silence me from sharing my feelings. Sorry, but Christians are the worst! (Yes, I’m a Christian!) God has given me the grace to be able to use the WORD right back at them! Praise HIM!

The old me couldn’t have a conversation about adoption without getting angry, and wanting to scream or cry or throw something. Because people just don’t seem to “Get It” unless they are adopted. My fellow adoptees, my saving graces have taught me to stand up for myself, and God has taught me to do it with his grace. This has allowed me to feel like I’m in a confident place to be able to do this on my own, without hiding behind a “PEN NAME!”

So here I am. WAVING HELLO to the world! Sharing not only my real true feelings, but the REAL TRUE ME! So long to Pamela Jones. So long Pamela (____)

HELLO PAMELA KARANOVA!

From now on I will use my real name in my online adoptee world. I will sign my blog posts with my real information. I want all adoptees all over the world to reach out to me because only WE know HOW IT FEELS TO BE ADOPTED!

I have had to understand, that the WORLD has no idea how we feel or what we go through being adopted, and all the heartache that goes along with it. But my fellow adoptees get it. We have to be there to lift one another up, in times of crisis, and when we reach our all time lows, and they do come!

As for the few adoptive or biological family I am in fear of offending, I’m sorry in advance. If you find my blog, you find my true feelings. The feelings I’ve had to hide my entire life. One thing I can say is they are real. Living a lie wasn’t real. I know it wasn’t talked about in the 1970’s, but it’s talked about now. I think of the small handful of you all that might get offended compared to the HUNDREDS of adoptees I am in contact with that I have relationships with, and I KNOW I can help them by sharing they aren’t alone. Sorry, but my fellow adoptees are the reason God put me on earth. To help them break out of a lifetime of silence, and provide them with one person who GETS IT, who UNDERSTANDS, who LOVES THEM and doesn’t judge them anyway. While I navigate this journey in breaking out of hiding behind a pen name, I will be praying you all understand why I’ve had to do this. If I don’t do this, I have no purpose on this earth. That’s truly how I feel. I can’t worry about how other people respond to my decision, family or not. This is what God has called me to do, and I am going to spend the rest of my life reaching out to my fellow adoptees and sharing with them what God has done in my life, because he can do the same for them.

Living this double life has been painful. It started the moment I was forced to make a split between the REAL me, when I was born, and the NEW ME, when my adoptive parents erased the REAL ME, and falsified everything. As I’ve grown up into a woman who can chose for myself I’ve grown into the person God intended for me to be. It’s neither of the people from my past. So I’m no longer going to live the double life. I was forced to growing up, and have always felt like I had to protect others in my adoptive and biological families, but today I am living for God, and for myself, and my kids, and my fellow adoptees. No more double life.

I’m no longer hiding! Yay!

Signing off as PAMELA KARANOVA, Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

You can reach me at: pamelakaranova@gmail.com ßFellow Adoptees, add me to your Facebook by this email!

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

Twitter: @pamelakaranova

Adoptee, Healing Inner Child Wounds

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova10 Comments

Healing My Inner Child…

If you look over my blog posts, or if you are someone that’s kept up with them you will see the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced in the last 3 years. The last 3 years I’ve embraced the recovery lifestyle as a way to heal my adoptee and life wounds that have kept me in bondage for far too long!

Today, I still experience those same roller coaster feelings. Some are improving while others aren’t. I feel like certain areas are holding me down like a ball and chain while others I’m receiving freedom from.

I’ve tried everything to get to a place of healing.  When I experience the “Lows” they are really low. The dark cloud never leaves. Let me explain, I have a great life. Aside from this I’m an extremely happy person. Aside from this I love people, I love so many things in life. I love my career. I love my kids, and my family who I have in my life. I love serving in Celebrate Recovery, and mentoring women with Chemical Dependency issues. I love being outside. I’m totally head over heels in love with the sky but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that seems like it’s here to stay.

I refuse to sit here and accept its here to stay!!!

I’ve had adoptees who are older than me, explain there adoptee pain went from a sharp knife, to a dull ache as they got older. I can take the dull ache.. And I believe I will always have that, but I can’t take this deep dark sadness I’m experiencing.

I stopped drinking on August 12, 2012. What has that felt like? Like a ton of bricks have come smashing me straight in my face. Some days it’s extremely difficult to get out of bed. But God gives me the hope I need and my kids give me the motivation. As for me and myself.. I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t have those 2 things in my life.

Recently I’ve discovered by reaching out to other adoptees, that it may very well be I have unresolved inner child wounds that haven’t been healed. The feelings I can describe is a deep inner sadness that I just can’t shake. It hangs over my head all the time. It feels like a broken heart each and every day that will never go away. The low points seem to come and go, but when they are low, they are LOW and they bother me the most when I’m alone.

Of course when I’m now in recovery, no longer drinking or drugging to numb my pain, I know I’m feeling everything. That’s to be expected. But I am also doing so much at working towards HEALING in all areas, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I have prayed to God, and asked him to please help me figure this out.

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This picture speaks to me…

I believe the responses of my fellow adoptees to be the closest thing I have experienced regarding an accurate description as to what is going on in me, unresolved childhood wounds.

If I think about it, from the moment I was conceived my birth mother rejected me and the pregnancy; she drank alcohol the entire time. I was a secret conceived in shame. She hid me from the world. I was told she was an extremely negative and mean person and it was verified after I met her one time and I got to see that for myself.  My feelings of low-self esteem began way before I was ever born. My feelings of worthiness began to diminish when I was in the womb. The trauma that happened the moment I was born, stuck with me in my subconscious memory as well as the damage done in utero.

My childhood wounds add to this trauma. There are a TON of inner child wounds from my childhood. Let me share a few. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. SO much for the “Better Life” promised to my birth mother. My adoptive mom who was infertile used to tie us to chairs when we were “Bad”. She would try to commit suicide in front of us. She battled depression, and had manic-depressive episodes very frequently. She is a hypochondriac and was sick every day of my life. She was a mastermind manipulator and loved seeking attention from everyone around. She never was capable of being a mother. I lost my childhood because of her. I never could go outside and play. I never could watch cartoons. My life was centered around what I could do for her and how I could be of service to her. Whether it be massaging her body, rubbing lotion all over her, rubbing her feet and back, or giving her enemas, or popping pimples on her back, or running her bath water.. There was always something that needed to be done for her. ALWAYS. I took care of her, she never took care of me. Not to mention her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness spilled onto me as a little girl, and this had a direct impact on my life in many ways. She cried every day and said over and over she wasn’t worthy of being a mother. My sadness and tears didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I had to be strong for her. She talked from the earliest days I can remember, about not wanting to go to a nursing home when she was old. This is truly why she believe she adopted me. I believe she’s a narcissistic to the fullest degree, and she never recovered from her own childhood wounds, and the divorce and not being able to conceive her own children. I also believe she had some severe mental illness in her.

As you see, I had no mother. I lost. It was never about me or my feelings. I never received the unconditional love a child was supposed to receive from their mother. My original bonding with my birth mother was severed, and trauma occurred. That trauma never went away, it was tucked away and now it’s surfacing. The trauma that was inflicted by my adoptive mom is different. She made me feel like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter and this increased my feelings of being important to anyone. I have written about not being able to “FEEL LOVE”. I believe all these things are connected.

I spoke to my lay pastor the other day about all of this, and she said it all makes sense. I’ve been attending the same church for 3.5 years. I have an amazing church family who listens to me, supports me and I KNOW THEY LOVE ME. It’s just that I have never felt that love. I know God loves me, but its hard for me to FEEL IT. I know my kids love me, but it’s hard for me to FEEL IT. My last blog post was about “Finally Feeling Loved”. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months, and I know he loves me… And God has given me glimpses of what LOVE FEELS LIKE. He’s done the same with my kids. When I feel it, it’s like my heart fills up and I get really tearful and overfilled with emotion, but then it goes away really fast.

Why can’t I feel love all the time like other people do? I mean I know I love people, and I know they love me because they say they do and they show it. (sometimes). But I know this has to do with being adopted, and going back to unresolved childhood wounds, and trauma in utero and being rejected by my birth mother in the womb, and after. It has to all be connected. The great part is, now that I have identified at least I hope I have where this is coming from now I need to take the steps to heal in these areas.  God has brought me so far. I have a desire to be whole and I know I deserve to FEEL LOVE like everyone else does.

So my next question is to my fellow adoptees. Have you ever experienced this type of feeling? If you have done any inner child wound healing, what has worked for you? I’m a Christian and I know there are a bunch of “New Age” healing ideas out there. I know Jesus Christ is my healer and for some reason he keeps telling me I need to go THROUGH this pain again to get to a place of healing. I have to relive each situation, and share my feelings regarding each trauma, and cry and scream and get angry and share feelings I had to keep locked inside my entire life. Do any adoptees reading this have any experience with this? You really don’t have to be an adoptee to have experience with it, so please share with me either way.

This picture absolutely teared me up when I saw it. Something about it made me weep with sadness because I have never felt anything like this in my life. How does this picture make YOU feel?

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This revelation has given me hope and I’m thankful for my fellow adoptees on the www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted page who have helped me get to the root of this issue. Now onto the healing.

Thanks for reading. Please share your opinion and advice if you have experienced anything similar. Please share any techniques you might know about healing your inner child, regarding in the womb or being separated from your birth mother, as well as wounds outside the womb.

Many blessings,

Pamela Karanova

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

@pamelakaranova

www.adopteeinrecovery.com

Mother May I…

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova7 Comments
Mother May I
 
Mother, I’ve been tied to this pain for so long and each day I awake I desire for it to be gone.
 
It’s like a dark cloud hanging over my head.
 
It starts each morning as soon as I rise out of bed.
 
You never leave my mind.
 
How can I let it go?
 
 It’s all I have of you, you know?
 
It’s deep in my soul and always appears when I’m low, usually nobody knows.
 
When there is nothing to hang on to, no memories and no history, all I have is the pain.
 
Is that why I’m hanging on to this pain so long?
 
In your memory, it’s clenched tight.
 
 I know deep down its blocking some light.
 
It’s been 40 years now.
 
It feels like a bag of bones and it’s heavy to carry.
 
But if I let it go, what will I have?
 
There are no memories to remember, no future, and no forever.
 
I thought of saving a piece, folding it up and putting it away.
 
Then I can take it out on a rainy day.
 
Because then you will know I never forgot you. I never want you to think I forgot about you.
 
Mother, I’m tired of carrying this pain.
 
 I know I have to let go, but there are a few things I need you to know.
 
Just because I let go of the pain, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.
 
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold you close to my heart.
 
It doesn’t mean I’m trading you for anything.
 
It doesn’t mean I don’t think of you, because I do.
 
It just means that I’ve made the choice to move forward with my life, and let go of the pain.
 
I need this for myself, my kids and for my future.
 
I will ALWAYS hold you close to my heart, because you are the woman I dreamed of knowing from the very start.
 
So let me ask
 
 Mother May I?
 
 Let go of the pain?
 
Because holding it so tight, I know I have nothing to gain.
 
Mother May I let go of the pain?
 
Mother:  “YES YOU MAY” 
 
Healing by discovering my truth & sharing it with the world one blog post at a time…
 
Pamela Karanova
Lexington, KY
Reunited Adult Adoptee
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I Made It!

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova2 Comments
Today is 2 years sobriety for me. I can hardly believe it’s already been 2 years.
Let me just say this has been the hardest 2 years of my life but because of my higher power, Jesus Christ I’m still standing! Because of Celebrate Recovery, I’m still standing!  The devil’s mad, but I’m STILL STANDING!
 
I’ve spend the last 2 years in a recovery ministry called Celebrate Recovery, and now in leadership in that same ministry. I can honestly say that working through the 12 steps and 8 principles has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done in my soon to be 40 years of life. Celebrate Recovery is designed to take us all the way back to the beginning of life, and to find the root cause of our addictive behaviors. For me, abandonment & rejection from being given up for adoption was my root issue. Never being able to grieve my loss or share my feelings added to my deep rooted pain. This is why I turned to alcohol at a very early age so I could numb the pain I was feeling. There was no one to turn to and no one understood the depths of my losses. What made matters worse is that everyone expected for me to be grateful. This caused me to live with a huge amount of pain, and this pain came out in different ways such as low self-esteem, sexual promiscuity, anger, rage, lying, stealing, fighting, and drug and alcohol abuse. I hated myself and everyone in my life.
 

As I got older these symptoms only got worse. Somehow God spared me my life, and helped me find Celebrate Recovery. A close friend named Sandy introduced me to this ministry. I will always be thankful! I was scared and nervous in the beginning, but after I started to attend weekly I learned that everyone loved me for me, and didn’t condemn me or treat me different. They loved me like family. After working through a Step Study, and working through the 12 steps and 8 principles, I was able to identify my root issues, and this was a very healing experience to me.

 
 
In adoption, so many things are kept from the adoptee. Most will say it’s to protect the adoptee, but this is also another way of lying and keeping secrets. There is no possible way for adoptees to heal unless they know the TRUTH about what they are healing from. Protecting them is only hurting them.  No matter what anyone says, we deserve to know our truth. ALL OF IT! I began my healing the moment I began to learn my truth. I began processing my history, my truth when I let go of alcohol to numb my pain. I was feeling the emotions carried and buried for close to 40 years because everyone told me to be thankful. They said that I couldn’t feel anything about my first family. I couldn’t love my birth mother. I couldn’t miss my family, even when I didn’t know who they were. ALL OF THIS HURT ME, and it HURT ME DEEPLY. Birthdays come and go, and I wanted to just sit alone and sob for my birth mother, but everyone expected me to just forget all about her. This hurt me. The last 2 years of attending Celebrate Recovery and living a sober life I have truly started the grieving process for losing my first family. Yes, they are MY first family and I lost on everything with them. Memories never to seen. No family tree, no pictures together, no mother/daughter bonding. I can go on and on about what all adoptees loose, but if you’ve ready any of my blog, you will know for yourself.
So today I celebrate 2 years of life where I have truly been able to feel the sadness, and anger, resentments, and pain that I ran from truly feeling my whole life because I was denied being able feel anything. [ just be thankful! ] – If I hear that one more time I will put a sock in someones mouth! I honestly don’t wish this pain on anyone but I have come to the conclusion that I’m happy I’m finally able to feel this pain, because some never make it to this point. I don’t think its forever, even when many adoptees say it never goes away. I believe there will always be pain, because there are always too many reminders of what was lost. Holidays, Mother’s Day, “Birth” Days, and The list of triggers I have, and so on. But I hope and pray it gets easier and I’m thankful I finally have MY TRUTH and I’M ABLE TO HEAL BECAUSE OF IT. God gets the glory!
 
Happy 2 Year Sobriety To Me. 
 
If you’re an adoptee, and you are depending on substances to get you through the pain, remember you aren’t alone. There is help available. Celebrate Recovery is the world’s largest Christ Centered Recovery Ministry! www.celebraterecovery.com and find a meeting in your area!
Thanks for reading!

Please Don’t Tell Me How To Feel

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova4 Comments
I have felt the need to share something that’s been on my heart the last 24 hours since I shared my last blog post.
I had an adoptive mother tell me I should just think of my experience in a different way. It’s up to me to basically be thankful and grateful.  We’re all adopted into God’s Kingdom so what’s the difference right?
Let me just say, that it always seems to be the adoptive mothers who want to speak up and tell me how I should fell. I wonder why this is? If a child lost their mother in a car accident and they grieved this loss later in life would you tell that child how they should feel? I doubt it.
The truth of the matter is, I am just now grieving my losses and I am 8 days away from turning 40 years old. Do you know why that is? Because I spent 37 years of my life being brain washed by my adoptive mother, family and the rest of society on how I should feel. They always made me feel guilty for wanting to know my first family. For simply wanting to know WHO I AM. This not only denied me the right to share my true real feelings, but it denied me the right to grieve my loss until I became old enough to identify my real feelings, and be brave enough to share them.
I realize my blog isn’t full of fancy flowers and rainbow dreams. But my blog is full of the truth on what adoption has done to me and the pain it’s inflicted on me and in return my children, and one day their children. Instead of judge me, why don’t you look at where the source of my pain is coming from. The root issue is abandonment & rejection from my birth mother giving me up for adoption. All of the crazy stuff with my adoptive mother just adds to that root cause. But the ROOT CAUSE is from me being given away, tossed to the side by both my birth parents. Adding to that, they didn’t accept me when I finally did find them. The other side of that is my adopters telling me I should just be thankful that they took me in when my birth family didn’t want me. They took away my right to cry for missing my birth mother. They took away my right to know and make memories with my biological siblings and their children. Memories lost, never to be found.  They took away my right to grieve my loss. I could never share my feelings growing up, and this is why I share them now. They confused me because even when my feelings were of complete sadness and despair, they told me I had no right to feel that way. Now as an adult, I know I have a right to feel that way. If you lost your entire family in a car wreck wouldn’t you be sad about loosing them? Of course. Same thing but hopefully you had a chance to make some lasting memories with your loved ones. Adoptees don’t get that chance. 
It may be different for some adoptees, but I feel like I was adopted to fulfill my adoptive mothers desires to be a mother. I think she cares more about who’s going to take care of her when shes old, and the self-satisfaction she gets when someone calls her “Mother”. She still desires these things even when she’s never been a mother to me.
As for being adopted into God’s kingdom. I do believe I am adopted into Gods kingdom but there is a big difference. I had to make that choice to become a Christian and give my life to Christ. I had all the decision making into that factor of my life. I can say it was the best decision of my life, but I made it for myself. My church family is my family. I am thankful to God for them every day because they have shown me what REAL FAMILY Is all about. They have loved me unconditionally with no strings attached. They have taught me something that adoption hasn’t taught me. To love with no conditions. Adoption is the other way around.
I heard yesterday on the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” page ( www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted) one of my fellow adoptees said in response to adoptive parents and society telling her how to feel,

“If you shared the same history as me, you may share the same sentiments”

Thanks Alex Bird! ❤

That was beautifully said and I couldn’t have said it any better. As long as I’m walking out my recovery journey and healing from the pain from my past from my adoption experience, I will share my feelings and my story. I will grieve my losses how I need to, just like you will grieve your losses how you need to. I know that I’m reaching other adoptees who have always felt alone, and I’m also reaching those adoptive parents who want to receive what an adult adoptee has to say because I have lived in the shoes of what their child is living. I believe that in time things will get easier, and maybe one day my blog will taper off into sweet nothings, but right now when I’m FINALLY able to speak freely about how it feels to be adopted, and share my journey and insight with the world some of what you read will be very painful.  If I wasn’t denied the right to grieve my losses growing up, I may not be grieving them by blogging about my feelings at 40 years old. Instead of judge me, maybe say a prayer for me.  I will do the same for you.
Let me ask, since you made it this far. How do you respond when others tell you how you should feel about being adopted?  What seems to work for you?  

Thanks for being here and for being a part of my journey! 

Birth Father Blues

Published on by Pamela A. Karanova9 Comments

I was supposed to forget he existed but I have a biological father. His name is Jimmie Jones from Leon, Iowa. I’ve gotten to meet him 2x which is more than most adoptees will ever get.  Although I’m extremely happy I finally got to see his face I still have many emotions associated with finding him, the reunion and post reunion. I truly feel the long term effects of adoption on the adoptee are negative consequences that we have to face ALONE are all based on others decisions for our lives. This is so not fair. Yeah, I know. Life isn’t fair!

I met my biological father for the first time in 2011. He knew nothing about me.  I drove to his door step and introduced myself. I visited him about an hour, took his picture and off I went. FINALLY I got to see who I looked like. I’m writing today because even when I met him, and even went back a second time to meet him I am not settled with this. Every day he crosses my mind in some way. I think about the fact that he wants no relationship with me. He isn’t interested in getting to know me, not even a little bit. I scramble with the thoughts of “How can someone be so cruel?” How does a biological parent just dismiss their child like that? The world may wonder why so many adoptees have backwards views of love. When your own FLESH & BLOOD just tosses you to the side like a bag of garbage it’s really hard to comprehend anyone loves you. If everyone wants to get honest, let’s face it… Your mother and father of the world should love you the MOST out of everyone. For adoptees, that love is nowhere to be found. Their actions of handing us over to strangers, is all we know.

I know, I know… God loves me, he planned me, and he has a purpose for my pain. I do not deny this. But I also believe it’s critical to my healing that I identify my root issues. This whole adoption thing has a million little jagged edges to it. It’s not just a happy beautiful baby to complete a family. I have to live daily with the long term effects of others actions over my life.
Do you know how it feels to have a biological father out there, who you have been told has less than 5 years to live? But he doesn’t want you in his life? He could care less if I lived or died. My mind is swamped daily about “What If’s”. What if I was in his life, I would go visit him every year, and get to know him better and maybe one day take care of him? Maybe he would come to KY and visit my children and I? I will never know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. It truly crushes me that he would rather die without his only biological daughter in his life, just like my birth mother did. I will not be listed in his obituary either. I’m non-existent in their lives. This makes me feel invisible, like I shouldn’t even be here. No one understands how this feels unless you are an adoptee, and you have had to live through it. I know it’s coming.
Going to my birth mothers funeral and not being listed in her obituary was probably the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. And the fact that I know I will eventually have to go through it again with my birth father is just sickening to me. I wonder if my adopters thought about all these things when they adopted me? Did they even care? Or were they just out to get “THEIR BABY”. None of them has acknowledged my pain and I am resentful about that.  It always has been and always will be about them and them taking me in when my own biological family didn’t want me.
My birth father has been on my mind a lot lately, so this is why I’m writing about it. My biological grandmother who I will never get to meet is also on my mind. Acceptance in this journey is a hard pill to swallow. I have accepted things, but I am still healing. I believe it will take a lifetime.
Thanks for reading!

Trigger 1, Trigger 2…

Published on by Pamela A. KaranovaLeave a comment
In less than a week I will be face to face with my adoptive mom.
What does this mean to me? Well… Let me just say I have spent the last 2-3 years healing from my life and my childhood and I have accepted the fact that I will never have the mother I deserve. I have grieved this and mourned it. May sound wired to some people, but it’s a process that I had to do for myself & for my sanity. A visit with her is like raising the dead. That’s the best way I can describe it. She is a major trigger for me, and I need prayers to get through it. I look at her and my skin crawls.
Not to mention the dreaded “Birth” day coming up. I’m already being tortured in my mind about this horrific day. The combination of the 2 is not a good combination for me. TWO MAJOR TRIGGERS at the same time…

I will write more later but in the mean time, please keep me in your prayers. 
@freesimplyme